Hey fam! Thanks for continuing with this :) As earlier mentiond ff is having some issues atm, so feel free to go and read on AO3 and interact and I can reply to you directly and more thoughtfully! Drop a comment if you like what youre reading and if you have any suggestions or ideas, Im open to them :)
"Would you like to lead this one?" Sonny asked Olivia when she arrived in the morning.
She genuinely thought she would be working in the cath lab but it turned out Professor Sonny Carisi had way bigger plans for her. After thoroughly reading through her credentials he realised she had a hand in a lot of complex surgeries over the years of her residencies.
She would have been a wasted talent in the cath lab.
"Honestly, I'm not entirely sure I can do it," she admitted. "I don't know if I have the confidence anymore."
Sonny looked serious. Sometimes his frown, or his deep-in-thought face made him appear irritated or annoyed. "Olivia," he looked at her, "I was thinking about what you told me about Bancroft and your first surgery-"
"I'd prefer you forget I told you that, that was so unprofessional of me to speak out of turn about-"
"Liv," Sonny cocked his head, "its okay, it's between you and I. It wasn't unprofessional, you told me what happened. It's only unprofessional if it wasn't true."
She let out a slow breath. "I was thinking about what you told me and I think that having someone that shook your confidence when they should have been building it up probably didn't help — but if you chose to lead this, I could guide you from start to finish and if we were to run in to any problems, you could pull the pin at any time and I'd take over."
She thought about it for a short spell before shrugging. "I don't know… I want to, but I'm just scared."
"You did a lot of complicated surgeries without that ass even laying a hand on the scalpel. I read through your notes and your surgical history, I'd hazard a guess and say you're probably used to doing more complicated things than I am - you may be a better surgeon than me and if that's the case, I want your talent to go to use… we need someone who is brilliant here, Olivia, the good enough isn't cutting the mustard anymore."
"So you want me to lead this consult, medically this morning too?," she wondered. "I mean, maybe it'll be confusing, they know me up there as the talking doctor." She paused, "And, Sonny, I worked under Franklin as a thoracic and cardiac surgeon and you and I know that thoracic surgery in paediatrics is rare, only around half of my patients were children — and that was only because Franklin didn't have the patience for them."
He smiled. "Okay, well, this one I don't think will be too complicated, but Olivia, I have faith in you- and if this is what you want, there are other hospitals I can send you to on a teaching sabbatical to learn… but let's just take it one step at a time."
"Okay," she nodded. The idea of going to any other hospital scared her and she wasn't really interested in that, not when she felt like she could trust everyone where she was.
"Olivia you can actually do this, you were involved in heart transplants and lung transplants and other thoracic surgery, you know that working on children is smaller, more difficult but you did transplants with Franklin, on a freaking toddler!"
She finally laughed. "Okay, okay… so what about them seeing me as a talking doctor?"
"Well you're an unshockingly smart woman who excelled above us all in more than one field," he replied. "Come on, let's go… she's not really in fit enough form to be coming down here to the outpatient wards and I'd prefer to not expose her to any germs at this stage."
Olivia picked up her name tag and ID and fastened it to her form-fitting maroon dress. She almost smiled to herself thinking about how Sonny had kindly given her a new ID to swap out with her high-care ward one. It now read; Dr Olivia Benson; Cardio-thoracic Specialist. It was also followed by all of her medical school honours which made her feel important and accomplished.
They walked alongside each other. "I feel like no one is going to take me seriously."
"You take yourself seriously, Dr. Benson and then everyone else will," he told her as the lift doors closed and they made their way to high-care.
Olivia grinned to see Trevor chatting away to a little boy about a toy that he was playing with right in the middle of the hallway. The child's parent apologised, pushing past them to get to him.
She watched Trevor lift up the boy gently, holding on to the truck. "We have an escapee, I see," he winked at the boy's father who apologised profusely.
"It's totally fine, he just wanted some room to play with his truck, better out here than stuck in a bed, right, kiddo?"
The little boy nodded, sheepish.
Trevor passed him over to the Dad, catching eyes with Olivia and Dominic Carisi. He waved at them both and slowly made his way over. "Hey Sonny! Hey Liv," he shook Sonny's hand in greeting. "Are you guys here for Isabel?"
"Yeah, how's she doing?" Sonny asked as Olivia walked around the back of the nurses station to grab Isabel Harding's chart. She met Trevor and Sonny who were chatting about how unwell the toddler was.
"I popped my head in yesterday," she spoke absently, "just to say hello and to meet Mom and Dad and she's got that cyanosis bluishness to her skin and she's almost always tachy… poor little thing, she's so sweet."
"Yeah, she's an absolute sweetheart, her sats were okay this morning, I'm worried about the breathlessness," Trevor remarked, "so, I'm glad you guys are seeing her today, I think it's a matter of time before she deteriorates," he finished.
"Okay then," Sonny looked at Olivia, "shall we?"
"Sure…" she could feel Trevor smiling at her. She caught his eye briefly and tried not to blush, suddenly feeling very self-aware.
"You know her room number, I'll let you lead the way. Nice to see you, Trev!"
"You too, I'll talk to you later, Liv."
"Bye," she waved. She was pretty sure he winked at her, but she pretended not to see and led Sonny down the end of the hall to room 9 where Isabel Harding was.
/
Olivia couldn't help herself, she lifted the toddler out of her bed and balanced her on her hip, looking closer at her skin. "Isabel, you are such a brave girl for Mommy and Daddy today, aren't you, my love?," she caressed the dark curls that bounced around on the child's head. She turned back to the Mom and Dad while Sonny wrote some notes on his iPad.
"How do you think she's changed in behaviour or physical abilities in the past few weeks?"
Isabel's mother looked to her husband before looking back at Olivia. "She's just very breathless. I mean, you know…I put her to bed and she just lays awake breathing loudly," she showed Olivia by breathing in and out, almost in a pant. "I can't sleep because I'm afraid for her… she wasn't doing that 6 months ago."
"Okay," Liv nodded. "So it's mostly the shortness of breath?"
"And the blue nails and around the lips that I was told to keep an eye out for, I noticed that one morning that's why I brought her in to see Dr. Langan."
"You did the right thing," Olivia re-assured her. "I think we might have a listen to her heart and then we might order some X-rays and maybe an echo."
"Can that all be done here?," Isabel's father asked.
"Absolutely, we'll have it all organised and done this afternoon," she told him confidently. She turned to Isabel. "Honey, I'm going to put you back on your bed now and Dr Dom and I are going to take this special set of earphones and we're going to take this part," she reached for the flat disk of her stethoscope, showing it to the toddler, "and we're going to listen to your heart, do you think that might be alright?"
Isabel took the disk and looked at it curiously for a second before looking up at Liv with her big, brown eyes. She couldn't help but to smile. "Okay, let's do that…"
Sonny put his iPad aside and waited for Olivia to set down the child. "My friend Dr Dom is going to have a listen first."
Sonny smiled at her, "Hi Isabel, this might be a little cold, but I'll do my best to warm it up for you…" he made a show of rubbing the disk until it warmed a little. He placed a hand on her tiny, thin shoulder and pressed it to her back. There was silence for a moment as Isabel held still as if she were already used to being examined.
"Thank you for being so still for me, that was such a big help. Dr. Olivia is going to have a listen now. He smiled warmly at her. Olivia plugged her stethoscope in her ears and pressed the disk over her shirt at the front of her chest and listened for a moment and made eye contact with Sonny. They were both thinking the same thing. She took her little wrist in her hand and concentrated on her quick pulse.
Isabel watched her intently. Olivia slowly raised herself up straight. "Thanks Isabel," she paused, "would you like to have a listen to your heart?"
She offered the stethoscope to her. The little girl nodded and Olivia helped pop the ear pieces in to her small ears. "Here, I'll show you," she took a seat on the edge of the bed beside her and pressed the disk against her chest. "Listen for the babom-babom-babom… can you hear?"
Isabel nodded and smiled at Olivia. "Its me?"
"Yeah, baby, that's you…"
She handed Olivia back her stethoscope. "Thank you!" She draped it back over her shoulders and turned to Isabel's parents. "She's got an elevated heart rate, but we knew that. I think we'll get that eco, ecg," she glanced at Sonny, "blood work?"
"Yeah, definitely full blood work," he confirmed. "She's got her IV in already so we'll just get path lab to come and take it," he told her.
"The Echo-cardiogram should give us a clear picture of what's happening, but can I ask when they widened the pulmonary tract? Was that at birth?"
"Three months," Isabel's Mom replied. "And you've had testing for chromosomal issues?"
She nodded. "Yes, they told us she is fine."
"Okay, thanks… I think Dr. Carisi and I will wait for the results later today and come and see you both and discuss our course of action."
They nodded. "And in the meantime, I'm on the ward for the rest of the week, so if you guys need to talk or you think that there might be something that Isabel needs on a more emotional level, please don't hesitate to speak to the desk nurse and she will let me know."
"Thank you Dr. Benson, thank you both so much," Isabel's Mom responded, the father parroting her but for the most part seeming shell-shocked.
"Someone will let you know when it's time for Isabel's tests," Sonny added as he shook hands with both parents and Olivia was chatting to Isabel. He admired the absolute warmth she showed to both patient and parents — she was unique for the job in the most positive way, what other doctors lacked in compassion at times, she certainly made up for. She had the good sense not to down play the seriousness of a patient's complications, but also the ability to not scare any of the young patients that they saw.
Most children had a firm grasp of mortality from the age of around 9 years old when it came to long-term health issues, especially if they had organ or life-long genetic complications that could shorten the span of their life. Olivia knew how to delicately approach conversations so as not to arouse fear or anxiety in the child.
That was a superpower to him.
And he could see from a mile away that she loved her job, he hadn't seen her in action as a therapist; or perhaps he had, but treating patients on a physical level was something she was deeply passionate about. It was all over her face when she spoke to the children and it was her giddy-state when she picked up complications in procedure results that hadn't been picked up on.
Health concerns when it came to cardiology were like little tiny mysteries and the doctors were the detectives who had to slowly uncover the cause and figure out a way to bring that cause to justice so that the victim was able to live a more whole life again.
Of course it wasn't ever always going to go to plan, but nothing was ever perfect.
Professor Sonny Carisi already held Olivia in high esteem and couldn't wait to operate with her and see the precision and the efficiency that he'd read about repeatedly in her head of department's reports.
/
Olivia marched her way to Carisi's office with deliberateness and a little urgency. She had a hunch of what was going on with Isabel Harding, but she wanted to see the results first. Sonny had ensured that she had her own office in cardiac-care and it was starting to feel like she wasn't just a helper, but actually part of the team.
It was a different feeling to high-care ward with Trevor, she sometimes felt like on Trevor's ward she was simply faking it 'til she made it, that she didn't have the same respect from the nurses or even the parents of the patient's as she did in cardiac-care. The admin staff treated her respectfully and it had taken the whole three weeks for her to make the girls understand that she wasn't scary and she didn't think she was better than them.
She'd always hated how Franklin had made his admin and nurses so frightened of him that if anything went wrong they scrambled to cover it up before he found out. Olivia swore never to be like that.
She knocked on Sonny's door realising that he wasn't with anyone, she had checked his schedule. "C'mon in!," he called out knowing it was Olivia.
She opened the door holding some printed papers and a copy of Isabel's chest x-rays. She closed the door and turned to him. "Tetralogy — ToF."
He stared at her for a second, trying to figure out the context of what she was trying to tell him. She advanced to his desk and put down the print out of her echo report and the x-rays. "Isabel," she told him in response to his quizzical expression, "She has ToF, Tetraology of Fallot. That would explain why the widening of the pulmonary tract on its own didn't entirely cancel out her heart problems, because if that was it, it should have, right?"
She showed him the paperwork from the report. "I've ordered an MRI, I hope that's okay, I need to see if that murmur is because of a possible undiagnosed Ventricle Septal Defect; it needs to be fixed and we need to see if there's some hypertrophy on the right ventricle."
Every time Sonny went to say something, she continued. He almost smiled, she was on a roll and hyper-focused. "How on earth could they have missed a fucking hole between the ventricles? And then even though I can't see any evidence without a cath or an MRI, I'm willing to bet that there's an overriding aorta issue because of the VSD…. She needs surgery, like, a year and a half ago."
She collapsed in to the chair across from him.
He couldn't help it, he let out a laugh. "Wow…" he was surprised. "That is the most words I've ever heard come out of your mouth in one go."
Olivia's face flushed with bashfulness. "Sorry," she replied feeling suddenly self-aware.
"No," he held up his hand and smiled at her, "please don't be sorry, I'm impressed. Good call ordering the MRI. You don't have to ask me if its okay or get my approval, I trust your instincts." He picked up the report and read it for a few moments before leaning over and grabbing the x-rays. He got up and put them on his x-ray light and checked them out.
"They don't really show much, do they?"
"Nah, useless really… that's why I thought the MRI would be faster than a cath for results, maybe not as accurate as we'd like but it'll give us an idea if I'm right."
He sat back down. "I've actually never seen ToF as a presentation, but it would make sense."
"I mean, it's usually hand-in-hand with chromosomal problems like downs-syndrome or digeorge syndrome so I was thrown off back at our consult, but just because its usually presenting like that, doesn't mean that's always the case."
"Liv, I think you're on the money, but the question I'm wondering like you, is why it wasn't picked up?"
Olivia hesitated for a moment, "permission to be cynical for a moment?"
Carisi smiled, "be my guest," he replied.
"There's a certain arrogance that I've dealt with when it comes to some specialist care, the kind of doctor that thinks they know everything based on a guess or a hunch— which has some merit because sometimes we do tend to get a feeling about things, but any doctor worth their salt will listen to that suspicion but also do the research as a duty of care to the patient. I'm interested to know who the specialist was because they need to know they missed something critical to this baby's continuing health."
He could see she was irate and he was too, he only knew too well where she was coming from after working for years under a department head who second guessed him and undermined a lot of his correct and accurate medical decisions.
"We will request all previous reports through MedTel, I'm sure they'll be happy to sign the disclosure to have Isabel's medical records on the MedTel network so it's available to all doctors who have access to it."
"Good," Liv replied. "Okay, I'm gonna go get some lunch and run upstairs and let the Hardings know that we're running an MRI late this afternoon-"
Sonny laughed, "you got her in today?"
Olivia finally returned his smile, "Sonny, I can be very persuasive… and bull-headed."
"I like it! Remind me to call you when I want something done yesterday."
"She's going to need sedation so I'm going to go and organise that with Trevor. I'll be back around 2:45 for the pre-work for the right heart cath for Henry."
"Ok Liv, you're good though, don't feel like you have to report for me. I have more than enough faith in you, you're doing incredible. I'm so happy to have you here in cardiac care. If Trev isn't careful I'm going to kidnap you full time."
"Ha! You're funny!," she replied as she turned and left him with the notes. "Bye, Sonny."
/
Olivia felt her phone vibrating as she made her way back upstairs to the office that, if she was honest, felt more like home for her in the hospital. She saw that it was Holly Bechael calling; Maisy's Mom.
"Hi, Dr. Benson?," she answered as she started to get closer to the cafeteria.
"Hi Dr. Benson, it's Holly, Maisy's Mom."
Olivia smiled to herself, she really did truly have a soft spot for both Maisy and her Mom. "Hi Holly! How are you and Maisy doing?"
"Good thanks, I'm so sorry to bother you, do you have a second? I know you must be busy."
Olivia walked in to the cafeteria and took a seat at an empty table. "Of course you're not bothering me, Holly, I would't have answered my phone if I didn't have time to talk. What's on your mind?"
"Maisy isn't having a very good week, she came home from school crying every day this week so far and this morning she openly refused to go to school and short of dragging her by the arm, I didn't know what to do so I let her stay home. She won't talk to me but I suspect she's feeling very lonely. She's been in her room all morning weeping and I just honestly don't know how to support her."
Olivia felt for the little girl who had touched on some school place bullying. "Uh… do you want to bring her in to see me?"
"Yeah? Do you have time this week?"
"We-ll, I actually have an idea. I have another patient who is Maisy's age and I feel like she could also use a friend. I was thinking a couple weeks back that I would love to actually invite them to both spend some time together with me and do some activities and chat. I'd have to discuss it with the other girl's parents, but I don't think it'll be an issue — I could probably see Maisy around 5 tonight, how does that sound?"
"Are you sure it's not too late for you?"
"I'm sure, I'll always make time for you guys, you know that," Olivia replied.
"Thank you so much Olivia, we are really grateful to have you on our team, I really hope you understand how much Maisy loves you. You're a saint."
Olivia smiled, "well, let's not go that far, but you're welcome. I have a very soft spot for Maisy too. I'll see you both at 5?"
"Sure thing, thank you Olivia."
"In the meantime, maybe acknowledge that you understand she might be feeling hurt and even lonely, you know, sometimes it's the acknowledgment of our feelings that makes us feel heard and that can be enough."
"I will definitely do that," Holly replied.
"You're doing a great job, Holly, you're a wonderful Mom and Maisy knows that, she's just had a lot happen these past few months."
"Yup, you're right. Okay, see you later Olivia."
"Bye Holly, take care."
She hung up and felt a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, hey! Fancy seeing you around here," Meaghan greeted her.
Olivia looked up and raised herself out of her chair. "Hey Megs, how's your day going?," she asked as they both walked toward the ridiculous queue for food. She wished she'd brought her own lunch.
"It was fine until I just saw the damn line," she laughed tossing her brown hair over her shoulder. "What are you getting today?"
"I was going to get a falafel plate with the tabbouleh and hummus but I remembered I will be breathing my own breath in surgery later," she chuckled, glad that finally things had fallen in to place and she was working with a nurse she really liked.
"Oh, good call, hummus and falafel smells great, but it never smells good coming from anyones mouth, not even your own."
They both shared a laugh. "What are you gonna get?," Liv asked curiously.
"I'm gonna treat myself today and get some of those bad-ass fries and maybe chicken tenders because I'm literally five years old at heart," she grinned at Liv. Olivia clocked her pretty eyes up close for the first time. Meghan had long dark hair that reached the middle of her back that she was forever tying up and pulling down again. Her eyes were sparkling green, quite disarming up close — there was nothing to it from Olivia, just surprised by how much more attractive the nurse was up close.
It wasn't that Olivia ever found her unattractive, the thought just never rated her closely.
She smiled back, "maybe I should get the fries… and a salad. I do love just a boring-ass garden salad."
"Why don't I just get your lunch for you, Liv? I'm getting Trevor's for him too. You go and do what you need to do, I can come and drop it by cardio?"
"Oh, that's okay, Megs, you don't have to do that, I'm actually heading upstairs to see Sarah briefly and if Trevor is free, I need to speak with him about a patient, then back down for a cath with Professor Carisi."
"Wow, how are you not dizzy?," she shook her head and smiled at the gorgeous Doctor that certainly was making Trevor dizzy.
Olivia laughed and shrugged. "I like it, I feel useful and it's nice to be looking this side of stuff again."
"You're always useful Liv, high-care is so much better with you there, I promise you. Don't go running away on us, I won't forgive you. Now, do you really want the fries and the salad? I'll get it for you, I'm here anyway. Go see Trevor, he doesn't have any patients til 1:45."
"Really? Are you sure? I don't mind waiting."
"Olivia, don't make me cause a scene and get your ass kicked out and back up to your office. Diet Coke?"
Olivia started to laugh. "Yeah, Diet Coke too. Thank you Meaghan, I promise I will buy coffee and donuts tomorrow to say thanks."
"I'll hold you to it, see you soon."
/
Olivia closed the door behind herself as she let herself in to Trevor's office.
He smiled a small, tight-lipped little smile that made her feel wonderful. She knew it was a shy smile; one that said more than his words could. She knew he was glad to see her; she was glad to see him, she missed his face all day, she missed their banter as they passed in the hallway and checking in on him as he did rounds, she missed him asking her opinion on patients and she really missed the warmth of his body.
"I miss you on Thursdays," she murmured, making her way over to him. He rolled his chair out from beneath his desk.
"I miss you too, but it was really nice to see you earlier, you really look so confident and … in your element when you're working with cardio." She stood before him, surprising him by sitting down across his legs, sliding her arms around his neck to cuddle in to his body. He breathed her in deeply, catching the fragrance of her expensive perfume. "Mmm, this is a nice and unexpected hug," he murmured, closing his eyes, reciprocating her embrace, letting his hand make slow circles on her back.
Everything about Trevor was so comforting and genuine that even if something arrogant came from his mouth, she knew that she only had to call him on it and it was enough for him to be instantly apologetic, it was never ever his intention to hurt anyone's feelings, he just didn't have a single bit of spite within him.
"Yeah, I needed a hug from you, it was all I could think about when I saw you earlier. I didn't get to drop in this morning, I woke up too late."
"Its okay, I'm good with this," he chuckled, turning his head slightly, burying his face in her neck. Olivia felt his lips against her skin, tickling but warm and entirely okay with her. She pulled away slightly so she could see his face. She reached up and took his face in her hands, his stubble bristling her palms. She hadn't been the first to make a move on him, not since the time they had sex while hung over.
Trevor had pulled back a little too, he never tried to kiss her, he was adamant that he wanted to date her, but so far every time they had planned a date something work-related had come up. But, as she embraced him she realised she had to let him know romance with him was still on her mind. She leaned close and pressed her lips softly against his, lingering for a little longer than necessary before she pulled away and opened her eyes. She watched him slowly open his own and smile.
"That was nice," he said softly.
She repeated the kiss and this time he leaned in to it, kissing her back and letting her know that he was feeling the pull of their attraction as well.
"I just need you to know that … I still feel for you because I don't want there to be any feelings of confusion. I like you very much, I just still need time I guess."
"I know," he replied, his eyes searching her face as he caressed her beautiful soft hair. "But it does help to hear it and even more to be shown. I'm a patient man and I just like getting to see you every day…"
"You're a good man, Trevor, I'm very lucky to have you in my life."
"Likewise," he replied. "Something's changed in you, Liv," he informed her, "this new role suits you and I think you're an incredible therapist, you've turned my ideas about therapy on their head, but this role, you wear it so well, you belong to it and I think Sonny sees that in you."
"Thanks for saying that…" her voice trailed off. "I hope it works out, but we'll see. I'm taking it day by day."
He nodded with understanding. "It'll get easier, the mental gymnastics your brain puts you through, I mean."
She smiled. She appreciated that he understood her feelings about the role without having to continually explain them to him. He always heard her.
"I can't stay, I need to go see Sarah before her Mom leaves and I have Henry's cath after lunch. But, I've booked in 5pm to see Maisy as an emergency appointment. What time are you done?"
"Five, but I always stick around. I'll wait for you. Do you want dinner or… want to do something?"
"Mmm let's see how the afternoon goes and play it by ear, is that okay?," she wondered.
"Yeah, that's totally fine."
She reluctantly got up and straightened her dress out. "See you later, Trev."
/
"Hello!" Olivia greeted both Sarah and her Mom who sat together playing round-after-round of Exploding Kittens; a game which Olivia was sure her Mom, Karen, silently blasted Olivia for loaning her. "I see you guys are enjoying blowing up kittens," she joked.
"Mmmm yes, it's a lot of fun," Karen replied humourlessly but never-the-less good-natured about it.
"Not much else to do when you can't leave your room," Sarah replied, focusing on her cards.
"Sarah, do you think I could get you and Mom to press pause on your game so I can have a chat to her outside?"
Sarah looked up in alarm. "Am I alright?"
"Yeah of course, it's nothing serious, we're just going to have a quick chat about some other activities we can find for you to do," Olivia replied honestly, "Karen, if that's okay?"
"If we can do something besides the Exploding Kittens game, Dr Olivia, you can blink and I'll be on the other side of that door."
They both laughed.
Karen put her cards face down and glanced at her daughter, "no peeking, okay? I'll know."
Sarah put her cards down too and laid back with a sigh. She was bored and Olivia felt for her.
"We'll be right back," Liv promised.
/
"Sorry to drag you away from Sarah, would you like to come down to my office?"
"Sure, this sounds kind of serious-" Karen remarked as they walked side-by-side until Olivia unlocked her door with the swipe card that she'd swapped out on her lanyard. She motioned for Karen to enter first.
"Its not that serious, I was being honest with Sarah when I told her why I wanted to see you… take a seat anywhere you'd like."
Karen took a seat across from Olivia's desk. Liv sat on the other side and got comfortable. "So, this infection has just been going on for a little longer than what we thought it might and I can tell Sarah is not herself. She misses her friends and she expressed to me that the more time goes on, she feels as though her friends have forgotten about her — or they aren't very sensitive to her condition."
"I know, but they can't be blamed, those girls are sweet but they just don't know any different."
"I know that too," Liv smiled, "but it's really hard for Sarah to find anyone her age that might relate to this weird little semi-institutionalised lifestyle that unfortunately she really doesn't have any control over — nor do you guys for that matter. It's no secret that her lung scarring is getting worse and her immune system is very much compromised, so I suspect until she meets the criteria for a lung transplant, she will probably experience much of the same feelings of loneliness, anxiety and lack of understanding from people her own age and it really does break my heart whenever I see her sad so I can only imagine what it does to you and her Dad."
Olivia could see already that Karen's eyes were glassy. "I'm sorry," Liv apologised, "if I spoke so frankly, I know it's sensitive and confronting, that's my mistake."
"No," Karen shook her head, "no you're right, its just .. really ripping our heart out to have to kiss her goodbye every night and see her before work — we both still have to work and it tears me up."
"I know… but Sarah at least has her tutor and some school work to work on which I do check in on to make sure she's doing it every day that I'm rostered on and I know for a fact Trevor spies too on her education too," she smiled warmly. "But I had an idea and I really needed to run it by you and ask your permission before I go and mention anything to Sarah."
"Ok?"
"I have another patient, her name is Maisy and she is Sarah's age. She has some very serious issues with her organs. She's very small for her age but she's a sweet, witty girl who I absolutely adore just like Sarah and she struggles with a lot of bullying at school and she's also expressed to me how lonely she is."
"Right…" Karen listened.
"I actually have her coming in at 5 today because she's struggling with her bullies, the lack of understanding from other kids because she just can't keep up. Her heart is affected a lot by her organ issues, so I was thinking that maybe if you're comfortable, we could gear Maisy up with the correct precautions; check for any cold or flu symptoms, mask her up, have her wear a sanitised gown and both she and Sarah can spend some time getting to know one another with me playing some games and chatting and maybe open up some lines of friendship."
Karen's eyes filled with tears instantly. "Yeah? Do you really think that they'll get along?"
"Yeah," Liv smiled, "they have similar personalities, they are both very creative and I happen to know they both have a crush on the same boy band member," she chuckled, "I think it would really benefit both girls and there's that relatability where their conversations generally are going to be very different to other girl's their age."
Olivia pushed the box of Kleenex toward Karen who apologised. "I just want to see my baby have friendships that isn't dependant upon if she's available to do normal kid stuff, I want her to have unconditional friendships the way that her sister does or the way that I did when I was her age."
"I think we can do that. I think that despite Sarah not being able to leave the sterile area at this stage, we'll be able to bring what she needs to her and I am happy to organise times with them together and apart to see how they're doing… and honestly, it might even be nice for you to have a chat to Maisy's Mom, there's a commonality here, and sometimes it just helps to talk to someone who may not understand the exact circumstance but understands the same fears and disappointments…"
"Is Maisy's illness as serious as Sarah's?"
"Yeah," Liv replied, "without breaching anything private, I would say its as serious."
"Okay," Karen sniffed, "so we could do that today?"
"Yeah, I think so, why not?," she smiled encouragingly. "I have surgery downstairs in just over an hour, but-"
"Surgery?" Karen rose an eyebrow, "you're a surgeon?"
Olivia laughed, embarrassed. "Uh, yeah… I guess I am."
"Oh wow, I didn't know that! That's incredible, you're so impressive!," she gushed, "wow, what kind of surgery? Sorry, I hope I'm not holding you up."
Olivia smiled at her, "Uh, before I was a therapist, I was a cardio-thoracic surgeon."
"So, you might one day transplant some lungs for Sarah?"
"Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves. I'm not doing anything like that at this stage at this hospital, I very much love being a therapist, but I've had some experience with transplants," she replied, playing down her experience, "so I guess I'll see what's in store in the future but I have no immediate plans to change what I'm doing here."
"Okay Olivia," Karen smiled, "thank you so much for putting so much heartfelt care in to Sarah, I know she loves your visits so much."
"You're welcome," Olivia replied.
/
"Here you go, here's your lunch, Dr. Benson," Meaghan winked at her as she came out of Sarah's room excited for the possibility of Maisy and Sarah finding a friend in one another.
"Thank you, you are absolutely the best!"
"Thanks, you could just tell me to my face," she heard Trevor's voice behind her. She turned around and rolled her eyes. "I see the smell of food made you run fast out of your office," she replied smartly.
Meaghan rolled her eyes too but for different reasons. "Here's your lunch Trevor. Now go away before the kids smell the fries and come bolting out."
"Thank you Meaghan," Trevor smiled, picking up his food and heading to his office. It was unspoken that Olivia was going to join him. They both headed in and he closed the door behind them.
"So you got the fries…" Trevor remarked as she sat down at his desk, putting her food and her diet coke on the table top.
"I did, what did you get? You got your grilled cheese didn't you?"
He laughed, "I did. We're a cut from the same cloth Liv," he opened the bag and pulled out a salad as she did too. "The fun food and then the sensible food, we're creatures of habit."
She smiled. "I was gonna have the falafel salad but I've got surgery after lunch. I don't want to breathe my own hummus breath."
Trevor laughed. "And if you were to come up here, hypothetically, I personally wouldn't want to taste it on your lips." He watched her cheeks turn pink, a little shy — not something he was particularly used to seeing from her.
"Well, you're lucky- I wasn't really planning on kissing you," she shrugged as she stabbed a few of the fries on to her fork. He chuckled. "So," she began, "tell me about your day so far?"
"Nothing really exciting. Just did my rounds and I have a new patient consult later and some outpatient consults. Do you remember Julia? The one you helped me with six months ago and we never heard from her Mom and Dad again? They just stopped returning our calls?"
"Yeah, she was about 16 right? You wanted to send her to cardio for a second opinion but you knew it was going to be a tough push."
"Correct. Her Dad called today, apparently she's not doing so well and they took her to another hospital and they sent her home and he admitted to me that what we were suggesting was maybe a bit too confronting for them that they were sure we were wrong…"
Olivia couldn't help but to laugh. She shook her head. "Why are parents such dicks sometimes?"
"I guess its self-preservation. Anyway, I've referred her to your receptionist at Cardiac. Not to palm her off, but I think that she should go directly to cardio because we've already consulted and it'd just be wasting time."
"No, no," Olivia replied, "that's okay, you're right. I can send her to Sonny though, I don't know if I'm supposed to be organising a patient bank."
"Well, you guys can discuss that, either way I've emailed out a referral," he replied. "But, Liv, apart from that, the highlight of my day so far was when you came in for a hug, that made me feel good."
"It made me feel good too," she said in a small voice as she concentrated on her food; hard to be as brutally honest when she was sober. "I'm glad it happened."
"So, if you're not free tonight, can you please make yourself available tomorrow night? I really want to do that date thing I have had on the back-burner for the past few weeks."
She looked up with a little smile, "Yeah? You still want to take me on a date?"
"Of course I do," he replied, staring at her longingly. He wished she was back in his lap and that his arms were holding her close to him. "I have a couple of things planned. It'll be cheesy as I keep promising you, but it'll be fun, I promise."
"Well, I'm down for it, whatever it is. I've told you, I've never been like…" she paused and shrugged bashfully, "dated… I've never had someone like me enough to want to spend time and money on that type of thing, I guess… or maybe I just-"
"Stop talking," he said, shaking his head, "stop talking right now. Someone not dating you is nothing to do with you or how good of a person you question yourself to be, Olivia. I see your value and I see you shining brighter than I've ever seen you shine and you're coming in to your own and it makes me so happy and you deserve to be happy and I want to help add to that."
"You already do," she replied, swallowing hard.
"Good. So tomorrow night, I'm going to suggest you bring a change of clothes to work. You'll want to be comfortable. Maybe some active-wear and then after we do the first thing, I can take you back to your place and you can get changed and then I'm taking you to eat in a really nice place."
"Hmmm I'm intrigued."
Trevor smiled, "well don't think too much about it."
She chuckled and opened her salad. "I'm excited."
"Me too," he replied, "and maybe we'll leave tonight to our own devices, I'm sure you'll want to unwind after such a big day. This is the first day you've actually been able to consult and sink your teeth in, right?"
She nodded. "Yeah, I've had two consults, one on my own and today with Isabel Harding. I ordered an MRI so I let the girls know she'll need to have a sedative administered beforehand because I need that MRI to be so accurate or else we'll have to do a right heart cath and still probably operate. At this stage, I feel like it's better that we don't put her body under that stress…"
"What are you thinking?"
"Tetralogy, I could be wrong, but all the symptoms are there. I just need to see more details."
"Shouldn't she have something genetically wrong with her in order to have that?," Trevor asked raising his eyebrow.
"In most cases yes, but not all. This is an educated guess at this stage but it would explain why the widening of the pulmonary tract didn't entirely fix her problems; its because Tetralogy is four-fold. It'll be VSD, a ventricle thickening and an overridden aorta… I can hear the murmur when I listen to her chest… she's got the cyanotic symptom, her little finger nails are that mauve-y purple hue and around her lips…"
"I definitely heard the murmur. It's plain as day. Poor thing. Would that be considered open-heart to fix all of those things or is it one-by-one?"
"Always open-heart, get it all done at once, that VSD should have been repaired during infancy, I'm gobsmacked by the lack of follow up. But, I guess it is what it is," she shrugged.
"Are you going to do the surgery?," he asked carefully.
"I don't know…" she replied slowly, "I don't know if I have that kind of confidence anymore. Sonny will probably want to do it anyway, it's a big surgery."
"If he gives you the opening Liv, you take it. Prove yourself — not to Sonny, but to you, show yourself that you have still got it, that you're incredibly talented at everything you touch."
She smiled fondly at him across the desk. "Thanks for believing in me. It helps."
He just nodded at her.
"So, I'll probably go home and research more about the surgery and look at some studies about tetralogy to see if I can find more evidence— depending of course on what the MRI outcome is. Hopefully they'll get me the report by the end of the day."
"Alright. Well, I'll be home tonight so if you want to talk or if you want someone to bounce your thoughts off, you can text or call me."
"Thanks," she replied. She pushed her small cardboard container of fries to the middle of his desk. "Here, eat some will you? I can't finish them all."
He smiled at her as he plucked a few fries and plopped them in to his mouth. Olivia concentrated on her salad. "I spoke to Maisy and Sarah's Mom's and I'm going to have Maisy and Sarah meet this afternoon. Karen almost cried when she knew there might be a possibility for Sarah to have a friend who would probably be better suited than some of her school friends."
"Oh that's so nice. I hope they like one another."
Olivia nodded as she swallowed her food. "I hope so. I could be off base, but relatability is a huge necessity in friendship."
"I met Sarah's little friends earlier in the week and they really bother me," he laughed in spite of himself, "I know they can't help it, they're tween girls but the things they were talking about with her fully knowing she can't keep up with them or take part in the activities they do…"
"Like what?" Olivia asked.
Trevor thought for a moment, "Like… one of them was telling her about how one of the Mom's dropped them off at the mall and they met up with some boys and one of the girls kissed a boy," he rolled his eyes, "I bet Mom didn't know that."
"Of course not," Liv laughed, "but that's not abnormal behaviour; that age is so exciting as a girl, it's when you discover boys and start thinking about kissing boys and dreaming of boys," she chuckled, "or… girls?," she shrugged, "we're not judging."
"Was little Olivia thinking of boys and girls at 12?"
"She definitely was. I used to be obsessed with this girl called Mara and I wanted to be her friend so bad, she was so gorgeous and looked so grown-up. I used to watch her so closely and tried to dress like her and took notes of how to act aloof like her… In hindsight I had a big fat crush on her, but I thought I just wanted to be popular like her."
Trevor smiled, imagining a very young version of Olivia chasing another girl around. "Did you become her friend?"
"Nah, it turned out she knew I was paying attention to her so she told everyone I was a weird stalker and it backfired dramatically and that's saying something because I was already the school pariah."
"Oh," the smile disappeared from Trevor's lips. "I'm sorry."
Olivia shrugged. "I guess the point is, we can't blame those girls for living their lives, it seems insensitive to us because we are adults who understand the full picture. Her friends know what's going on but they don't have a full understanding, they probably have no marker for mortality save for maybe a distant relative."
"True," Trevor replied. "I hope Sarah and Maisy hit it off. It would be nice for both of them."
"I agree. It might mean that outside of this hospital space when Sarah is well they can hang out. And I even suggested that Karen and Holly have a chat too. They're both very isolated dealing with their kids."
"You're actually just such a wonderful all-round doctor, Olivia, I love your ability to be so insightful pastorally and then you turn around and wow me with all this talk of ToF in a baby."
She laughed, "stop it…"
"I won't," he smiled shaking his head.
She looked in to her salad as she smiled bashfully. "Thanks," she mumbled as she scraped the bowl clean. She put the bowl and the remnants back in to the bag it came in. She had a few more fries. "I'm gonna leave those fries with you. I actually have to get back now," she told him glancing at the clock. "I don't think I have anything else after the surgery," she told him, standing up, "so I'll probably come back up here and crack open the books until Maisy arrives or unless any of the kids need me."
"Okay, look forward to seeing you."
"See you later Trev," she smiled and waved, taking her bag and her unopened can of diet coke with her.