Review Response
Doc43Soul: I've planned to cover "Heavy is Dead" for April Fools after posting the previous chapter. But the Dust Storm got me sick and threw off my schedule.
THEOWLPALADIN: I know you want me to cover MVM and Gray Mann related stuff, I want to as well. But all those are Phase Three while I'm still at Phase One.
Ironbear1367: Never expect to cover a Rhythm Heaven parody, but I'll make a nod to it at some point.
Pharamine: I'll cover Pootis Engage. Just need to find a way to narrative lead up to it.
AidenJacksonSmithDSBB: Certainly Emesis Blue would be an experience for everyone. But I don't know how to narratively lead it up to it. I'll probably figure it out when I get to the end of the series.
Petabyte.404: I'll probably figure something out for the narrative to flow smoothly. Just one step at a time.
Dustiniz117: Probably another time. It would be a great recap for later.
Inspiration: Tiny Desk Factory by Doctor Lalve, Scream Fortress: Doom-Mates by Valve
Disclaimer: The following is a Non-Profit story for entertainment only. "RWBY" is the property of director and animator Monty Oum (RIP) and production company Rooster Teeth, and Team Fortress 2 is the property of Gabe Newell, and development company Valve.
"Ruby… Ruby, where are you." Yang is on her hands and knees looking under the seats calling her sister's name.
"I'm over here." Said Ruby, sitting a few seats next to her.
"Not you. The tiny version of you." She explained. "Ever since the Yangry scene from the last film, I have lost sight of my Tiny Desk you."
"That makes two of us." Roman chimes in, "Neo hadn't found her's as well from your counterpart's hissy fit. We found the cage but the Tiny Desk Gremlin is nowhere to be seen."
"If you're concerned with their well-being, I assure you that they're safe and sound." Yang and Neo felt relieved from Emerald-Stirling's words. "I'll teleport them back to you before you leave. Till then, let them have fun exploring the theater."
"That reminds me." Glynda cuts into the conversation. "I've been meaning to ask for a while but I've been cut off by all of the insanity. Where do all these Tiny Desk Rubies come from, and why are they so… cute."
Everyone got curious as well when Miss. Goodwitch asked the question, Dr. Stirling just smiled, "I'm glad you asked." Dr. Stirling smiles as if he's been waiting for someone to ask, "After Summer Rose retired from being the precious Team Fortress Engineer. She wanted to invent the cutest product the world has ever seen. One that can deter Grimm and cure corrupted hearts from mere presence alone. She tried everything, kittens, puppies, plushies, but nothing could ever meet what she wanted. Till one day, what she was searching for came in the form of her own daughter. After taking some of Ruby's DNA and mixing it with sugar, spice, and everything nice, she invented the very first Tiny Desk Ruby, the cutest product in the world."
Everyone was surprised that Ruby's own mother had modified her to be so adorable.
"Come to think of it, I have a film that shows the process on how they're made."
"Wait, really?" Ruby asks.
"Really." Stirling pulls out a film reel labeled "Doom-Mates". "This reel has an advertisement for how they are made before the actual film starts." He then began installing it into the projector. "And I believe that you would enjoy this film Ms. Queen of Grimm, since you're starring in it."
Salem, upon hearing this, starts to sweat bullets as she realizes what this means. "I-I think we shouldn't watch it." She protests calmly but is faltering.
"What's wrong?" Stirling acting all oblivious, "I thought you wouldn't want to be left out."
"She believes her image would be ruined once you play that film." Ozpin butts in, "Considering how every character introduced so far is absolutely insane. It would make sense that her counterpart would be in the same ballpark."
"Silent, you!" Salem orders her ex.
"He got a point." Qrow adds in his two lien, "Take Ironwood for example; he sees himself as a always serious military man who never smiles. But his counterpart however is a half naked madman who caged up Grimm then punches them to extinction with his bare hands for sport."
Ironwood side eyes the drunk as Salem sighs, "Fine, let just get it over with."
Without further delay, The Temp Host rolls the film.
"Scream Fortress Presents: I FIGHT GHOST!" Pyrrha voice reads the spooky title card hovering over a picture of a Ghostly Salem antagonizing Pyrrha and her raccoons as the intro start, "Your favorite Fright-Fighting, Spook-Duking, Banshee-Basher, goes toe to spectral toe with evil in… "DOOM-MATES"
"Ooo! We're doing a spooky episode with Pyrrha!" Nora said with excitement.
"I don't know what she implies with Doom-Mates?" Said Jaune, wondering what the title means. "And what with the raccoons?"
"But first a word from our sponsor." Pyrrha continues as the title card fades to black and the advertisement plays.
The ad starts with an elevator door opening up to a dancing Tiny Desk Ruby with an AI voice narrating, "Everyone got a Tiny Desk Ruby these days,"
It then cuts to Ciel hanging out in a kitchen holding a Tiny Desk Ruby while another one dances on the counter.
Then cuts once more to Cardin standing outside cooing over a Tiny Desk Ruby dancing on the ground. "But how are they made?" the narrator asks. a massive Grimm chomps on the red-head and spits out a skeleton as the voice continues. "Let's find out!"
Everyone was taken aback at the sudden Grimm attack on Winchester.
"As much as I despise the jerk. No one deserves to be eaten by Grimm." said Velvet, feeling guilty, "I actually feel sorry for him."
"Well, I'm not." Coco said earnestly. "If someone pulls on my BunBun's ears to make themselves superior, then they don't deserve to be huntsmen and be better off as Grimm food." [1]
"...I like her." Adam nodded.
Watts was getting his pen and notebook ready to write down the process of creating Tiny Desk Rubies, hoping to reverse engineer and find a weakness to get rid of them once at the castle.
"We are in the Tiny Desk Factory," The narrator said, as the camera shows a wide shot of the factory where the Rubies are dancing their way to work in a single file line and a truck exits the facility delivering the newly built products. The scene transitions to inside the facility where a couple of rubies are rubbing through Yang's hair with sandviches. "Where we see the Rubies rubbing sandviches through Yang's hair to extract the oil." One of the Rubies squeezes the sandvich, pouring the extracted oil into a glass jar and adding it to a pile.
Watts wrote that down."Alright, oil from her sister's hair. Probably use it for DNA since their siblings." unaware they're half-siblings.
Yang inspects her hair. "My hair is not that oily, is it?" she said with concern.
"I'm more puzzled as to why they're using sandwiches instead of sponges." Weiss states.
"Maybe the healing property adds to it?" Jaune suggests.
Ren picks up one of the jars and places them on a table. "After that very important step, a Sniper collects the mysterious oil and drinks it." The Narrator explains as Ren did just that, downing the whole jar.
Watts has stopped taking notes, going "What?" as the students gags with some almost throwing up.
Nora expresses a face of betrayal, "Why… Why are you drinking her bodily fluid instead of mine!" The way she said it got everyone's attention.
"W-Would you like to rephrase that?" Ren asks.
"NO!"
"While that happens, a Spy and an Engineer go into a room for about two hours." The AI continues as Blake and Ruby go into a closet and slam the door. Soon Nora approaches the closet the two were in and begins yelling to her heart's content. "In that time a Demo yells at the door where the Spy and Engineer are supposed to be."
The Inner Circle watches in silence, wondering if this is truly how Tiny Desk Rubies are made or they're just taking the piss.
Back to Ren, He enters the bathroom looking as if he needs to go as the Narrator describes. "The Sniper already drank all the oil and departs into the nearby toilet to create bottles…" Ren can be heard grunting as if he's trying to piss, only to show what's really going on as it cuts to inside the bathroom with Ren using the toilet to whip up some pancakes. "...and the very important pancakes." [2]
Everyone sighs in relief as they thought it was going to be disgusting but it was just subverting expectations.
"I'm alright with pancakes." Ruby said, now wanting some pancakes.
"Renny can make some of the best pancakes you can ever eat." Nora proudly declares, making Ren feel humble.
Back to Nora still yelling at the door, Blake and Ruby exits the closet, slamming the door on Nora's face. "The two hours passed and the Spy and Engineer leave the room…"
"Sorry about that, Nora." Blake apologizes after wincing.
"I had worse." Nora states, with her teammates nodding knowing first hand how true her statement is.
It then cuts to Nora, Ruby, and Blake all sitting at a table as Nora is still yelling and Blake feeds her pancake mid yell. "...and start to feed the Demo with pancakes while the Demo continues to yell at them."
"The lungs of that girl." Winter said in surprise, if not amused.
"You should've seen her during the first few weeks in enrollment where she got into a yelling contest with Mr. Winchester." Said Prof. Ozpin as he sips his coffee. "The two got into an argument after Mr. Winchester bullies Ms. Scarlatina one too many times and they got into a literal screaming match. After three minutes in, Mr. Winchester ran out of breath but Ms. Valkyrie kept going, and going. She kept yelling at him while he tried to eat, while he tried to sleep, and while he tried to have some privacy using the bathroom. He even begged Miss Goodwitch to make her stop, but she deserted him."
"I'm not paid enough to deal with it, so he was on his own." Glynda excused as Ozpin continued.
"So after twenty four hours of constant yelling, Mr. Winchester gives in and promises to stop bullying altogether."
The scene transitions to two Rubies slapping pancakes against each other's faces, "The Engineers then start to slap pancakes against each other, getting faster and faster…" As the AI narrates, the Rubies then rapidly pick up speed to the point they start exploding. As that happens, a level one Sentry shoots Jaune in the ass causing him to scream out in pain. "...until a Sentry Gun starts to shoot a Scout in the butt, alerting the company that it's time to drop the pancakes against hats." The Rubies stop slapping when they hear Jaune scream and do just that."
Jaune rubs his butt, stating. "I don't appreciate being the butt of many jokes." Yang tried her best not to laugh at Jaune's unintentional pun as Pyrrha comforted him.
The Rubies then start dancing in a circle around the pancakes. "The remaining Engineers dance to make the pancakes happy…" The pancakes smile with a :D. "...and the Engineers sad." The dancing Rubies are now depressed.
"The Sentry Gun keeps shooting Scout…" The Sentry, now a level three, keeps shooting Jaune as it cuts to the Pancakes yelling at Nora as Ren punches it. "...and the pancakes yell at the Demo while the Sniper punches it."
"Alright enough," Said a now peeved Goodwitch. "How does any of that make a Tiny Desk Ruby!? It all just random nonsense that-"
The pancakes then start to glow as it levitates and explodes into a Tiny Desk Ruby. After coming into existence, the Tiny Desk Ruby starts dancing as everyone gathers at the cute creation they made. "A Tiny Desk Ruby has been created, very interesting indeed."
A price tag appears on screen labeled 'Only 69.99' as the Narrator comments, "Get your own Tiny Desk Ruby for this amazing price!" Then the ad ends.
Glynda just sat questioning her life choices as Dr. Watts and everyone who tried to figure out the manufacturing process but couldn't make heads or tails of it.
"That's some damn witchcraft right there." Tyrian accuses the practice.
"Witchcraft impulse that there's magic behind the unexplainable." The Grimm Queen corrected, "That there was downright insanity."
Yang and Neo wonder how their Tiny Desk Ruby are doing as the actual film starts.
"It will be sixteen fiddy, ma'am." The cab driver tally the total cost as he parks in front of a mailbox with Salem's name on it.
Salem, sitting in the back with a bunch of items she bought from the 1156th annual WitchCon, is not happy with the price, so she decides to haggle. "Oh will it? Will it really? I'm inside your mind!" she starts flailing her arms as if she's casting a spell, "BRAZBO BARRABUS! The fare is now ten liens, and no more!"
The cab driver, also not having it, responded, "If you want, I could drive you back to the airport and kick your ass there."
"Oh, very well." Defeated, Salem hands over the lien.
"Really!" The Grimm Queen was not amused by her counterpart. "I can't believe my counterpart gave up so easily. And she didn't cast a spell, just flailed her arms like a mad woman. Don't tell me that I'm just a crazy old hag who thinks she's a witch."
After paying full price, Salem grabs all her things and exits the cab, ready to relax in her castle after being gone for so long. Only the moment she approached her castle, she witnessed that the whole place was a total wreck. The castle looks to have been ransacked, there's racoons everywhere, the dryer is in the lawn on fire, and worst of all, Pyrrha is there burying a taped up fridge.
Pyrrha notices Salem and stops burying to greet her, "Welcome back, Salem!"
Everyone is at a loss for words, completely flabbergasted at the state of the castle, wondering what the hell did Pyrrha do.
Salem dropped all her things, her face expressing extreme distress, "Pyrrha! What- Why- I've only been gone for three days! What did you do to my castle? Why are there-" she notices the half buried fridge, "Are you burying the refrigerator in the yard?"
"Technically I'm burying what's IN the refrigerator." Pyrrha corrected. "Also: do NOT open the refrigerator." she warns as scratches can be heard from within the fridge.
"...Sorry." Pyrrha sheepishly apologies.
"Alright, Dr. Stirling! Explain! now!" Salem demands why she's here ruining her castle.
"She's your roommate."
There was a long pause, "...That raises even more questions?"
"Well what can I say? You were low on cash so you made one of your rooms a rental and Pyrrha moved it, that's all that is known." The Temp Host defends himself. "You two were roommates for a couple of years till Pyrrha got a job working for Lightmond and had to move out."
After a couple seconds of silence, Jaune pointed out the fridge shaped elephant in the room, "Um… what exactly is she burying?" he asks.
"A Raccoon that contracted rabies." Every student was saddened by Stirling's answer. Rabies can be a bitch and Pyrrha's counterpart most likely knows it, which is why she's burying it alive for damage control. [3]
"You- you don't even live here anymore!" Salem said, perplexed.
"HA! Tell me about it! I had to break in!" The Soldier said so casually.
"Where did all these raccoons come from?"
"They sniffed out all the sourcream I hid! They loved the stuff." Pyrrha then pets one of the raccoons biting her sleeve, "Don't you, Lieutenant Bites? Yeahhh, you do."
"So not only did you break in while I was gone. You infested my entire castle with raccoons with your sourcream!"
"Sorry." Pyrrha sinks into her seat.
"Help yourself, by the way. I hid plenty of it, and it spoils real fast." Salem takes a whiff of some of the sourcream Pyrrha offers, and gags on how foul it smells.
"That's why you put it in the refrigerator!" the old witch exclaims.
"I'm not going to dig up a refrigerator everytime a raccoon wants some sourcream, Salem." Pyrrha retorts.
"Besides, there's a raccoon preoccupying the fridge right now." Qrow jokes as he sips his flask.
"Oh for-" Salem then notices a couple of raccoons gnawing on a book with a demon face on the cover and a cartoonish bomb in its mouth. "The Bombinomicon! Your raccoons are eating the Bombinomicon!"
"AH! MISTRESS! HELP! THEY'RE BITING ME! THEY'RE BITING ME!" The Bombinomicon screamed. [4]
The audience were surprised to hear the demonic book talk as Tyrian recognized the voice. "Wait, that voice. Am I the book?"
"You sure are." the interdimensional doctor answers, "You are known as the Bombinomicon in this universe, always by your mistress' side."
"...Neet." The Scorpion Faunus was happy with that information.
As Salem snatches the book away from the critters. A White-haired woman in a trench coat approaches from behind, calling her attention. "Ma'am? Is this your domicile?"
"ENH? Yes-yes, what is it?" The Old Witch half paying attention as she frees the Bombinomicon from a raccoon's maw.
"I'm with the city. I need to talk to you about the raccoons." The lady is none other than Winter as she shows her badge revealing that she's a park warden.
"So I'm a park warden in this universe. Glad to know that I have a high paying job while dealing with my deadbeat husband." Said Winter.
"Oh come on. I'm not that bad, am I?" Qrow sarcastically asks.
"Yes. you are."
Realizing she may be in trouble, she gave the park warden her full attention, "Oh! Uh… They'll all be destroyed within the hour, I assure you!"
"I'm afraid not ma'am." Winter objects as she explains, "Your domicile is currently housing every raccoon in the Greater RoosterTeeth Badlands area. And a couple of Tiny Desk Rubies."
"Tiny Desk Rubies? Wha-" Salem notices some Tiny Desk Rubies rummaging through her limited edition WitchCon MCLVI bag full of "Magical Items" from the convention. "HEY! Get out of there! Git!" The Tiny Desk Rubies scurry away like mice as Salem takes a deep breath.
"They're like roaches." Salem states, drinking some tea to calm her nerves.
"I didn't know you went to WitchCon." Blake said once she noticed the bag.
"Of course I do." The Grimm Queen declares. "It's the only time I get to leave my castle and be my magical self."[5]
"Wait! I thought I recognized you!" Ruby states. Surprising everyone even more as She pulled out her scroll, scrolling through her gallery searching for something. "My sister and I went to WitchCon last year, and we came across someone who looks exactly like you. So when you first arrived here I thought you looked familiar."
"You couldn't have casually come across Salem, Miss Rose." Ironwood said, not believing that she came across the Grimm Queen herself in a public setting.
"I know it sounds crazy but it's true, look at the background of this selfie." Ruby then airdrops a photo into everyone's scroll.
After a quick ding notifying the user that their scroll got a message. Everyone pulls out their scroll to see what Ruby has sent. It was a selfie of Ruby and Yang smiling together dressed up as witches at the convention. And in the background was Salem herself in her usual Grimm Queen dress, walking past no more than a couple feet behind the sisters, drinking a witch themed boba tea out of a flask.
Ozpin and everyone else who was in the know was completely flabbergasted that the Queen of all Grimm, the one Ozpin has been secretly at war against, and the one who plans to wipe out humanity, is casually hanging out at a convention.
"I'm surprised it took you this long to realize." Salem states. "Can't find the witch if she hides herself amongst witches."
After a moment of silence, Ozpin then breaks it, "Let's just keep watching. Maybe Ms. Schnee would give us some bad news to make us feel better."
Salem laughs at her ex's wimpy boast. "True, that brat has ruined my castle and infested it with raccoons and tiny buggers. But nothing would keep me-"
After the Tiny Desk Rubies are dealt with, Winter continues after clearing her throat. "Anyway, we're annexing this castle and making it a raccoon sanctuary."
An awkward silence fell upon Salem. "...what…"
"You're asking Salem to leave her Castle of Eldridge Horrors?" the old witch asks, trying to understand.
"You'll have to take it up with the park ranger, ma'am." Winter explains.
"Park ranger? Who- Oh please Dust don't let it be-" Salem prays for not to be who she thinks it is.
"You hear that Salem? I own your castle of ostrich horror now!" Pyrrha proudly declares.
This time Ozpin couldn't hold it anymore, he busted out laughing, nearly dropping his mug of coffee as he grabbed his stomach for laughing too much.
Salem stares in stun silence as Qrow quips, "Guess we don't need those artifacts and maidens after all. Just send the invincible girl over to Salem to be her roommate and let her presence ruin the Grimm Queen's life. Come to think of it, there's a bunch of Tiny Desk Rubies over at the castle right now. If we're quick, we can make it into a sanctuary for all my Tiny Nieces."
"You better not!" Salem argues.
"I'm-a do it!" Qrow teases.
"So I'm a park ranger on my off time." Pyrrha said, ignoring the argument going on behind her. "Maybe I should be a park ranger once I retire from being a huntress."
"I think you'll do a good job." Jaune states, making the Invincible Girl happy.
"You're scaring ostriches on the premises?" Winter took Pyrrha mispronunciation at face value, "That's a hefty fine, ma'am."
"You hear that, Salem? You're being fined and evicted from your castle!"
"I hope she hears that, Ranger Nikos. Failure to listen to a park warden is a hefty-"
"ENOUGH!" Salem had enough of Pyrrha's and Winter's pestering that she expelled her own soul out her mouth, becoming a wrathful spirit. "Do you think you can bully Salem like she's some cheap parlor magician!" She exclaimed in her ghost form.
Everyone was taken aback once again from Salem snapping.
"I was born before time, dark larvae from the putrid womb of the Ancient Ones! I am the scream on the lips of children! I am the curse borne on the breath of the dead! Lo, I am the mouth of the Beast, the wrath in darkness, the unclean thing! I am the…" Salem stops mid-wrathful speech as she notices Pyrrha setting her physical body alight with some Fire Dust. "What are you- Are you burning my body?"
"Ohhh. Hey, Salem. I thought you were dead." Pyrrha said so casually to her ghost form.
"I've been talking to you the whole time!" The Ghost Witch exclaims at the insanity of it all.
"You're always talking. I guess I only notice when you stop." The Park Ranger dismisses her.
This time both Beacon and the Inner Circle bursted out laughing at the sick burn. Even the more stoic characters couldn't help but chuckle.
Pyrrha, now feeling bad for the Grimm Queen, tries to apologize. "I'm So-"
"YOU ARE NOT SORRY!" Salem cuts her off. "You broke into my castle while I was away, infested it with raccoon and Tiny Desk Rubies, and evicted me from my own castle from said Raccoon infestation! Worst of all, you burned my physical body while I was… casting a curse, making me unable to come back to the physical world! I am going to kill you, Pyrrha! not me specifically, but my counterpart killing yours!"
"I am going to kill you, Pyrrha." The Wrathful Witch exclaimed at the same time as her counterpart while gripping the Park Ranger's collar.
"You can't," Pyrrha retaliated, claiming, "If you kill me now, I'll only come back stronger."
"She got you there." Qrow quipped, "It will take more than just killing her to make her go away since she'll just respawn. Not sure about coming back stronger though."
"What nonsense are you- waaait…" Salem stopped herself as she remembered something.
A year earlier, while Pyrrha still lives with her, Salem is in her bathroom grabbing a prescription bottle from the medicine cabinet. As soon as she opens it, she notices it was completely empty.
"Pyrrha, did you eat my entire bottle of "kill me come back stronger" pills?" she asked her roommate who is using the bathroom sink.
"I thought it was your heart medicine." Pyrrha responds casually as she brushes her teeth.
"You're taking my heart medication?" The Abused Witch Roommate asks, wondering what else Pyrrha had been taking from her medicine cabinet.
"Look, Salem, if you're gonna keep asking dumb questions. I'll go use my other bathroom that I made in the kitchen."
An awkward silence filled the room as Salem spoke, "You are by far the worst roommate my counterpart has ever experienced. And that is saying something since I have to deal with these idiots living in my castle." She gestures towards her Inner Circle, "And to have you living there on top of them will be a living nightmare."
Back to the present, Salem realizing she can't do anything decides to take a different approach, "Very well… If I can't kill you, Pyrrha… I will kill everyone you care about."
"Ha! I'd like to see you try!" Pyrrha calls bull on the Ghost Witch threat.
Some time later at Ghost Fort, Salem is wreaking havoc on both Team Fortress and Castle as Pyrrha, Blake, and Jaune hide behind some crates.
"...then I told the Mighty Ghost Witch, "Ha! I'd like to see you try!" and that is why she's killing all of us right now!" Pyrrha retells the story to Blake and Jaune, smiling innocently despite being all her fault.
"I gotta admit, that does sort of explain everything." said the Scout as the Spy pinched the bridge of her nose."
"So Salem killing all of us is all her fault." Weiss concluded.
"Sorry." is all Pyrrha could say.
The crates they're using for cover explode as Salem exclaims, "There you are! Now feel the wrath of Salum and burn!" With a flick of her staff, she set the trio ablaze.
"PAIN! PAIN! PAIN! PAIN!" Jaune tries to put himself out.
"I'm burnin! I'm burnin!" Pyrrha ran to find water.
"I do believe I'm on fire." Blake said so casually.
As some of the audience snicker at Blake's calm demeanor on being on fire, Cinder noted something, "I can understand why she is attacking Team Fortress, but why are we involved in this?"
"Blake convinced her that Team Castle is part of Pyrrha's friend group, figuring that she can kill two birds with one stone." Stirling answers while munching on some popcorn.
"Yeah… That's something I would do." Blake didn't deny it.
Salem then turns her attention toward Team Castle who are throwing everything they got including a literal kitchen sink thrown by hazel.
"Let's make things more interesting." she said as she summons a massive carnival wheel with each card having a different effect. The wheel starts spinning on its own as the Witch yells out. "Spin the wheel, and seal your fate!"
"A wheel that determines the victims fate." Salem said to herself, "I need to make myself one of those, would help me during interrogations and punish my minions who failed me."
The wheel stopped on a card with an image of a jar on it as The Ghost Witch raised her arms shouting, "Rain of Jarate!" as jars of yellow substance fall from the sky and land directly on the group.
After a couple seconds of silence, Roman asks, "Is this?"
"It is what you think it is." Salem proclaims, then continues with a sorry expression, "I'm not very proud of that spell."
Afraid to ask, Jaune spoke, "What's in thous-"
"Piss." the Temp Host blurted out with zero hesitation. "I tried to hide the truth for so long, but I think it best to rip the Band-Aid now before you figure it out later."[6]
The entire audience gagged in disgust, realizing what Team Castle is covered with. Roman tried to throw up Mr. Bucket, but Cinder took it away yelling, "NO!"
"MON DIEU!" Torchwick exclaimed as the rest of his team screamed being covered in human waste.
Just as things couldn't get any worse, Salem pulls out the Bombinomicon shouting, "Bizbos Barazbos, BOMBINOMICON!"
Pyrrha, now finished putting herself out, warns, "Everyone down! She got a book! She's going to read!"
"That's right! Fear the terror of reading!"
'Alright! Let's do this!" The Bombinomicon exclaims in excitement as it opens up and cartoonish looking bombs come flying out of the pages.
"Get away from the Witch!" Weiss cried out as everyone ran while bombs went off everywhere.
"I'm having so much fun with this." State Tyrian on the edge of his seat.
"That's because you're the Mistress' personal book doing her bidding, while the rest of us are weathering being blown up or being literally pissed on." Cinder retaliates.
After closing the book, she spun the wheel again shouting, "Prepare to feel the wrath of the Wheel of Fate." it lands on a card symbolizing three men dancing. "Plague of Dancing!" Salem exclaims as she teleports everyone to the center of the battlefield, forcing everyone to dance as she yells out, "Dance! Dance! Dance!"
"She's having too much fun with this." Winter pointed out, as some of the students shimmy to the beat that plays.
"That wheel is certainly powerful. I'm curious as to how they're going to deal with her." Ozpin said to him knowing how powerful his ex is.
"Now to finish you off!" she said as she spun the wheel once more hoping to get something good. The Wheel then stops on Weiss' Uber symbols indicating everyone gets Uber-charged as Salem proclaims, "Invincible! Invincab- wait, wait, what?"
An awkward silence fell on the battlefield as the Ghost Witch is surrounded by eighteen mercenaries fully Uber-charged with Team Fortress shining red and Team Castle in blue.
"Ah! By her own hubris. Gotcha." Ozpin then sips his coffee while his ex stares daggers at him.
"Aha! That may seem good, but it will be bad… in the fullness of time… you watch." Salem tries to regain control of the situation with psychological warfare, but fails.
After a few more seconds of awkward silence, the mercenaries proceed to kick the after living shit out of Salem while Ruby dances atop herprone body.
"Augh! Urg! Stop! Ow! Please! I beg you!"
The audience then busted out laughing, with the exception of the Grimm Queen herself.
"True, immortality is a curse." Ozpin admits, "But they're going to spend their eternity beating the magic out of you." Salem just sighs in annoyance from her ex's quip.
Thinking fast, the Ghost Witch spun the wheel but used her staff to rig it. Its force lands on a card with a shattered moon on it.
"Gravity displeases me! So I'll remove it!" With the flick of her wrist, Salem removes gravity entirely, sending everyone flying into the air with Zero-G.
Everyone screams as they spin around trying to figure out which way's up while Pyrrha screams, "Damn you, Salem! You are the worst roommaaaaate!"
"Look who's talking." The Grimm Queen retorts.
"Alright I'm leaving now." Said Salem as she disappears.
After their invincibility wore off, gravity returned and everyone is now back on Remnant.
"I-Is she gone?" Lionheart asks, hoping to not fight her anymore.
"No." Pyrrha replied immediately, "She's just hiding to recuperate from the beating we gave her. Everyone, split up and find her!" She ordered, "This may be our only chance to beat her!"
"I'm surprised that you're not the leader of the group." Ironwood complemented the Invincible Girl, "You're quite capable of leading despite how your counterpart portrays herself as."
Pyrrha smiles, "As lovely as it sounds, being a leader is just not for me. I prefer that I let someone like Jaune take that role, and Prof. Ozpin has pretty much had the same idea." Ozpin pretty much nods as he sips his twelfth coffee. Jaune slightly blushed from the compliment.
While everyone immediately split up to search for the Ghost Witch. Hazel decides to start sing, "Yadaladum dadum! This is the song when looking for the Wiiiiitch! Going to crush! Yadeda dalum!"
"You're getting way too into this." Salem said to her henchman.
"You should hear me sing when I go out on missions." Hazel retorts.
"It's true." Mercury chimes in, "most of his songs are stuck in my head." Most of the Inner Circle agreed with his statement.
"Come out, Salem!" Weiss calls for her, "Nothing will happen to you… I swear." The Medic began losing her composure as she laughed maniacally, "I can't… We're going to kill you!"
Salem and many others felt unsettled by her death threat.
Cinder decided to take a different approach, "We give up, Salem! You're too scary for us! Come on out so we can kick your ass!"
Pyrrha came up with the same idea as well, "Oh hello Gundorf! Where's Blasbo Babbins? Oh there he is!"
"I know what you two are doing. But it ain't gonna work." Salem criticized their strategies.
The Team Fortress Soldier continues listing off, "Everyone's here! Lavalos, Gimpy, Dumpy, Snoopy! Um… Man, I wish Salem was around to see this magical turn of events."
"I didn't know that you read the Lady of the Locket series." Blake said to Pyrrha, just learning this about her.
"I actually have a signed copy from the original author at last year's Witch Con." Her response surprised everyone. Especially Ozpin as he tried to get his copy signed for years.
As the mercs searched high and low, they failed to notice a pumpkin wearing Salem's silly skull hat. "Fools, they'll never figure out I'm hiding as a pumpkin." Pumpkin Salem said to herself, "Once I finish healing with healing magic and aspirin, I will return to finish the job."
"Surprisingly, I tried some aspirin Dr Watts recommended to me when I woke up with a massive headache last month. It really did the trick way better than magic, let me tell you." Salem told her story, which surprised Ozpin Inner Circle that Salem could even get a headache.
As she is laughing maniacally to herself, a Tiny Desk Ruby approaches her.
The Pumpkin turns toward Tiny Ruby and asks, "What do you want?"
Salem went wide eyed as she went, "oh no." Knowing that the Tiny Gremlin is going to reveal her location.
The Tiny Desk Ruby only responds with, "Hugs." as she hops onto Pumpkin Salem and gives her a big hug.
The pumpkin then burst into flames as the burning Ghost Witch screams, "AHH! Ghost pain! It's worse than regular pain!"
Her screaming alerts Neo as she decides to help by setting the pumpkin ablaze with her flame thrower.
"You're truly nothing but pure chaos, aren't you?" Roman jokingly said to his partner as her head pats her. Neo just smiles like a cat, accepting the affection.
Salem came out of hiding, deciding that enough is enough. She raises her staff, casting a spell that hits everyone's head. Jaune, Nora, Ruby, and Penny's heads become massive as Salem laughs, "I curse your heads with Bigness!" The four have a hard time keeping balance from the sudden size change.
Adam, Cinder, Hazel, and Emerald head became tiny as Salem laughs, "Feel the tiny Eldridge terror, of an itty bitty head!"
"Ah! Me head! It's a wee… It's a wee head!" Adam exclaimed with a high pitched voice.
The students and some of the Inner Circle couldn't help but chuckle at how ridiculous the mercenaries look. Even Adam couldn't help but smile at hearing his own voice.
"Wow, Ruby. Looks like you're finally bigger than me. Albeit not in the way that you're hoping." Yang pokes fun at her sister as her face is as red as her cape.
"And for you-" Salem stopped laughing as she witnessed what happened to Yang, Pyrrha, Ren, and Weiss. The four head's have turned into various birds (Fortunately still keeping their hair), with Yang having a head of a Robin, Pyrrha having a head of a Bald Eagle, Ren having a head of a Owl, and Weiss having a head of a Dove.
The four screamed in terror as Salem cried out, "I am so so sorry!" realising she fucked up.
"I am Archimedes!" Weiss exclaimed, feeling her head.
"I have an Owl head! Ahhh!" Ren ran screaming.
"I Live." Yang state before continuing. "With grotesque bird head. Is horrible."
Pyrrha just squawks, completely losing it.
Everyone stopped laughing as they're completely scared from what they witnessed.
"Well I'm horrified." The Heiress states.
"At least I still kept my hair." Yang tried to find the silver lining.
"Being a bird is not that bad." Qrow commented, "At least you didn't have a bird for a body."
Ozpin remembered that moment where Qrow came in asking for assistance, as his transformation messed up mid process resulting in having a head of a human and a body of a bird. He couldn't help but chuckle.
"Ahem!" Roman cleared his throat, drawing Salem's attention.
She turns to see Roman, Neo, Dr. Watts, Mercury, Blake, and Leonardo having cartoonish bombs for heads with their fuses lit.
"I did not think this through." Salem speaks for her counterpart, realizing how screwed she is.
"Agh! Back! Stay back you fools!" The Ghost Witch pleaded, as they ignored her as they gave Salem a big hug. Even the Tiny Desk Ruby with a tiny bomb head hugs her face. "Ohh, the irony!" is all she could say as the whole battlefield explodes.
"...did we win?" Lionheart asks as Salem makes a mental note not to turn her enemies into bombs less they take her down with her.
The dust settles as Salem lays defeated in a crater. The mercs all gather around the prone Ghost Witch as she raises her head, "You win… No wait, it's a tie." she corrected before collapsing.
Yang, Still having a bird head, approaches Salem going, "As promised. Yang will now lay egg… In your mouth."
Salem raises her head again exclaiming, "WHAT!"
"WHAT!" the entire audience exclaimed at the same time as the Ghost Witch.
Yang squats down over Salem's head, dropping her pants and screams like she's taking a massive shit.
The audience were equally as horrified as they turned away, hoping it's an actual egg and not what they think it is.
Thankfully the camera turned away and instead filmed the equally horrified faces of the mercs. With a loud thump, Yang has laid an egg offscreen. The camera cuts back to Salem where there's now a massive egg atop the Ghost Witch's head, knocking her out completely as that is what did her in.
Everyone just sat stunned silent, unable to process what just happened.
After a couple seconds of awkward silents. The two teams start celebrating for defeating the Ghost Witch and to forget what they just witnessed.
"We did it! We did it cause we're best friends!" Jaune states.
"But that was still horrifying." Mercury rebuttal.
"What? The Witch? The raining piss jars? The head thing? The fact that their Heavy has laid an egg?" Emerald asks what he's referring to.
"Yes!"
Roman, now with a regular head, approached the group, "Let promise to never speak of this."
"Agree." Team Castle unanimously agreed with zero hesitation.
"That's the fastest agreement I have ever witness coming from us." Dr Watts states. "Usually it takes us half an hour minimum to agree on something so simple."
"Great job everyone!" The eagle-headed girl said proudly, "This is Pyrrha by the way, I have an Eagle head right now."
"What are we gonna do with her?" Jaune asks as Yang picks up her egg off Salem's unconscious head.
"Just leave her. She already found out the hard way and will leave us alone. Speaking of which, I've been thinking. Fighting her was so much fun, that I think we should fight other supernatural creatures like her for fun."
"Like ghosts, werewolves, and aliens?"
"Exactly! BAWK!"
"What? You barely survive her encounter, and you want to make it a hobby?" Weiss said dumbfounded.
"Don't we hunt Grimm?" Yang pointed out.
"Yes! But we hunt them because it's our duty. They're hunting them for shits and giggles."
"I don't see the difference."
"Hey, Team Castle! Don't you want to help us hunt ghosts! Squawk!" Pyrrha asks.
Team Castle was already entering their team's bus, with Hazel saying, "Ok, enough… Fuck this." as he shuts the bus door and drives away.
"No offense. But we have enough supernatural witches for one day." Said Emerald.
"Fine. We don't need any of you Team Castle sissies anyway. Bwak!" Pyrrha dismisses them as she then asks her team. "What about you guys? Care to join me in a quest to kick some ghost butt back to the afterlife?"
"I don't see why not. Sounds like fun." Ruby said, convinced.
"Yang wants in." The robin-headed girl chimes in, holding her egg.
Blake just sighs, "Fine… as long as you don't do anything stupid like what you did today."
"Excellent! Squawk!" Pyrrha said excitedly, "Now for a team name for our supernatural fighting group."
"Ghostbusters!" Ruby suggests.
"No… we'll be copyrighted to hell and join Salem." Eagle girl shut down the idea.
"How about… Anti Spook Squad?" Yang adds her two lien.
"Perfect!"
"So… do they know that name spells out A-"
"A.S.S! A.S.S.! A.S.S!" The three out of four members chant the name, the four being Blake.
"...Okay, yeah, they know." Jaune concluded as he drank some soda.
"Not the worst acronym, I can say that." Penny said after a quick analysis of other possible ghost related acronyms.
As the three members chant, Ren asks Weiss something, "So… how long are we gonna be stuck like this? Hoot!" Referring to the state of their heads.
"I think you look rather cute with it, Renny." Nora said, cuddling her partner.
"Not sure…" Weiss answered honestly with a coo. "I'll probably come up with a cure by the end of the week. Till then, let's go home, I want to examine that egg Yang laid as soon as possible."
"You're not planning on keeping that egg are you?" Weiss asked Yang. "It may not even be fertile."
"Of course I am." The Blonde Brute proudly declares. "Fertilised or not, I'm not going to abandon it. I'll be a better mother than my actual mother could ever be."[7]
Meanwhile at Salem's castle that has been coveted into a Tiny Desk Ruby Nightclub. Raven felt a sudden urge of guilt while she served some chocolate chip cookies to some Tiny Desk Rubies sitting around the Inner Circle meeting table. Unsure to what that was, Raven just ignores it for now as she refills their glasses with milk.
The mercs pack up their things and head home, still celebrating as they leave Salem in the crater. Once they're gone a silhouetted figure comes out of hiding and drags Salem's ghostly body out of the crater and tosses her into the back of a pickup truck. The Silhouetted figure starts the truck and drives off into the night as it fades to black and the film ends.
"Hey! Hey! Hey! Where are they taking my body?!" Salem asks in surprise.
"That's a story for another time." Stirling answered cheekily.
"You know, I really hate you sometimes."
"I know."
Elsewhere in the theater, a silhouetted figure opens the door to Gold-Sith's office, letting the two Tiny Desk Rubies in as they run around the room. The figure then picks up the knocked over statue of Gold-Sith and drags him out of the room as the Tiny Rubies follow.
Author's Closing notes: I hoped you liked this chapter as I have an announcement to make. I've been gaining enough self confidence and writing skills that I'm planning on creating my own fanfic stories.
This doesn't mean that I'm abandoning RWBY Reacts to TF2, just taking a break to avoid burnout. I'll be posting six to eight more chapters before writing some story ideas that I've been wanting to write for a while, then come back to covering TF2 reacts after posting a few chapters of those. It will be back and forth to avoid burnout of what I love.
The only problem is I can't decide which idea to start with, so I'll create a poll for you do choses which idea you want to start with. This doesn't mean that if one is more popular than the other, the least popular is abandoned (I'm not pulling a Mojang), I'm just doing the least popular second after posting a couple chapters of the most popular.
Here are a few story ideas I'll be covering.
Story #1: (RWBY) Follow the story of Blaidd Rose, a one armed huntsman in training, on a quest to find his Twin Sister Ruby Rose, who has been kidnapped at a young age by Salem. After a kerfuffle with the notorious criminal with Roman Torchwick, believing he has the answer to his sister's whereabouts, Headmistress Glynda Goodwitch has rerolled Blaidd into partaking in her academy two years early.
Meanwhile, Ruby Rose had been raised/brainwashed to be Salem's own daughter, fighting along sides with her step-siblings, Cinder Falls and Sanguine the Impaler as they plan to overthrow the whole Human/Faunus race, bring Remnant back to the Grimms' clutches where it belongs.
Will Blaidd get his sister back? Or will the two clash for the fate of the world?
Story #2: (Adventure Time) Follow the Sorceress Sisters, Fionna and Phoebe Abadeer, as they travel the Land of Ooo casting spells and kicking tails.
Their adoptive mother, Bonnibel Abadeer, was once Princess of Candy Kingdom. But after surviving an assassination attempt from Uncle Gumbald, she gave up on technology entirely and went into magic. With her uncle now running the Kingdom; Bonnibel, now known as The Candy Witch, has become the most powerful spellcaster in all of Wizard City.
She then marries Marceline the Vampire Queen and adopts two girls as her daughter/apprentices. Fionna, a human girl who washed up on shore during their honeymoon. And Phoebe, an abandoned princess of the Fire Kingdom whose father exiled her, fearing that she'll overthrow him once she grows older.
The four live as one big happy family as they cast spells together while Candy King Gumbald plans for their destruction.
Story #3: (Ranma ) Akane came across an old lamp in a river and brought it home to her family. While cleaning it a female Genie pops out of the lamp, introducing herself as Ranma: Genie of the Lamp.
Follow her and her Genie as they deal with some magical shenanigans happening during highschool.
Story #4: (RWBY X One Piece) Ozpin realized he'd bitten off more than he can chew once he found out the hard way that Ruby and Jaune, the two students he accepted to Beacon, are actually children of Yonkos.
Ruby Rose is not only a child of Summer Rose, but also Kaido, King of the Beasts. And Jaune Arc is actually named Charlotte Toffee, child of Charlotte Linlin of the Big Mom Pirates.
Can Ozpin fend off the family feud when they come to visit their children partaking in the Vytal Festival, Or would the Kingdom of Vale end up in ruins.
Story #5: (Monster Musume X Jojo) I'm remastering my very first Fanfic. Follow Miia as moves to Morioh Cho for an Interspecies Exchange, and find the love of her life in the form of Josuke Higashikata. She soon found out that she's not in a romance novel once her crush has a supernatural ghost called a Stand. Her life becomes more bizarre as she comes across more Standusers whether they are human or demihuman. And with the no harm law rendered null in the world of Stands, Miia takes it upon herself to protect her future husband at all cost.
I have more ideas, but these are the main five I'll be focusing on. I'll set up a poll for you to pick which story you want me to do first later on once this chapter is posted, and the poll will close after a certain amount of chapters are posted.
Let me know what you think, leave a review of your favorite moments in this chapter, and I'll see you all next time when I cover a Crash Maul SFM.
Author's Footnotes
[1] I imagine Coco would hold a grudge against Cardin after what he did.
[2] It was either cookies or pancakes. Pancakes make more since.
[3] That's my guess as to what Soldier was doing in the official comic. Rabies are a pain.
[4] I made Tyrian the Bombinomicon. This would follow up when he's in charge of hell in the next Scream Fortress.
[5] I imagine Salem partaking in conversion involving magic. Not real magic but it helps remind her of the good old days.
[6] Had to rip that Band-Aid sooner or later.
[7] Yang is now a bird mother.
Cast
Salem as Marasmus
Tyrian as the Bombinomicom