The shift in Jim's behavior was jarring, to say the very least. One day he laughed and joked with everyone, and the next he was sharp and aloof as the day he'd first walked on the ship.

Timetra watched him as he leaned heavily on the control panel at the bridge.

The first time he'd brushed Brigit off with a 'not now' and walked away as she'd stared after him in shock had sent a rush of fury through Timetra. Each time afterward only fueled the fire in her chest.

"Jim, can you teach me what this screen does?"

"Not now Brigit."

"Jim, can we spread out those old maps you found and chart where we are with the stars tonight?"

"I don't want to."

"Jim…will you teach me some new knots?"

"Go away, Brigit!"

When he'd told Brigit to go away…Timetra had nearly slapped him so hard he would have woken up in the next galaxy over. Brigit had sobbed that night. Locked herself in her cabin and refused to come out. Asked countless times what she'd done wrong. Why was Jim mad at her? Why didn't he want to see her? Should she apologize? After the second day of his uncharacteristic behavior she had avoided being anywhere near or even looking at him. Morph took to hovering over her shoulder and avoiding him too, mainly because Jim had yelled at him as well. Timetra had been so furious she could hardly see straight, and she could only blame herself because she had known he would do something like this. She had known that he would hurt Brigit…

Except that something felt off. It felt wrong. He'd been so attentive to her, so close with her just the other day, why would he suddenly switch like this?

She studied his expression. He looked hollow. His eyes held a distant, anguished, terrified look. He seemed like a man haunted by something. The way he looked at any of the crew when he thought that no one could see him indicated to her that he felt as if he were completely and utterly alone . He looked as if he wanted to apologize, as if he desperately wanted their company, but something would flicker in his eyes and he'd turn away and disappear into a corner or leave the area all together.

No matter how mad she wanted to be at Jim for who brusque and unfeeling he'd been toward Brigit, she couldn't help but entertain the idea that he was doing it for a purpose that she hadn't figured out yet.

"Jimbo's hidin' somethin' from me, Safflina. I can' seem te get it outta 'im." Timetra recalled John's anxious musings. He'd said the same thing so many times that she could tell immediately when he was going to say it again. Her first instinct had been that Jim was leading them all someplace dangerous to hurt them for his own gain, but after getting to know him she figured now that it was the complete opposite and that he was trying to protect them from something. What that something was…she couldn't even begin to guess.

She watched as he sighed heavily and hung his head lower.

Something's wrong. She knew no matter what she said, Jim wouldn't budge. He needed someone who knew him, someone who he knew just as well, to give him the push in the right direction.

Timetra slipped down the stairs to the galley and sidled up beside John. He turned with a sharp jerk and a bit of a huff, but immediately relaxed when he saw that it was her, "Safflina! Wha' brings ye down 'ere?"

"Something is wrong with Jim."

There was a flicker of annoyance across his face before it was replaced with a calm, emotionless mask, "Ye don' say?"

She watched his expression, "Even I can tell that his recent behavior is caused by something he's neglecting to tell anyone. Anyone and their mother would be able to tell that he's fighting some internal battle. The way he hardly talks to anyone at all anymore after basically telling the crew to 'screw off' would be a big enough clue alone. Not to mention the fact that he's been bent over the navigation screens for close to two hours without moving at all. I'd say that's a big indication of something being wrong."

"Maybe 'e's feelin' guilty fer how 'e's been actin' toward Brigit."

"Yes, that is probably part of it... But I think it goes deeper than just that," Timetra suggested. He didn't seem fazed even in the slightest, which wasn't like him. He always jumped at every opportunity to bend over backward for both Brigit and Jim. It seemed especially so for Jim a lot of the time, and Timetra had hoped that he would do the same now. John didn't respond and continued to carefully sharpen and clean the kitchen tool attachments for his arm. She sighed, "Balaav'a, you need to talk with him."

"Not 'til 'e 'pologizes te Brigit."

Timetra smiled a little. His heart was in the right place, and he was trying to be a good father, but dammit this was not the time to be stubborn as hell. While she agreed with him that Jim needed to apologize, she had a feeling that Jim needed help working through whatever was haunting him first . Just something about the way he'd lashed out at the crew recently and then slowly closed himself off and acted as if he weren't even living anymore had her gut twisting anxiously.

"Balaav'a…"

"I ain't backin' down on this one, Safflina," John shot her a look and slapped the whetstone onto the counter. "Ye a'ready forget about Brigit cryin' in her cabin 'cause Jim told 'er he didn' want te see her? Ye a'ready forget about how 'e yelled at Morphy an' scared the poor thing s'bad 'e won' go near Jim? O' course I know somethin's botherin' 'im. How couldn' I?! But I can' sit 'ere an' let 'im act like tha' an' not do nothin' 'bout it! I near slapped 'im the other day fer bein' an ass te Brigit, an' ye know I ain't never hit me kids a'n I never will."

His eyes reflected the pain he felt as he spoke. She knew how much he cared about Jim and how badly he wanted to talk to him. How much he wanted to get to the bottom of whatever it was that was bothering his boy-

"Wouldn' be fair te Brigit fer me te act as if wha' 'e's doin' is fine. 'E ain't a child. 'E knows wha' 'e's doin' an' 'e's doin' it anyway. 'E c'n lay in the bed 'e made. When 'e's figured out how 'e's hurtin' everyone 'e'll come 'round an'…an' I'll talk to 'im then."

John let out a deep breath and leaned on the counter. Timetra could see that this was killing him.

"'E'll tell me…when 'e's ready, 'e'll tell me wha's wrong an' we c'n work through it…together."

"Ok, Balaav'a," Timetra slipped her arms around his middle and hugged him. She melted into his embrace as he brought his own arm up and around her shoulders.

"Do ye think 'e'll come 'round soon?"

She hesitated before answering. Jim hadn't opened up to John at all during this entire trip and had been steadfastly holding onto whatever it was he'd been hiding, why would he give in now unless he was urged? Something John wasn't willing to do at the moment and Timetra doubted anyone else would be able to do as effectively as he could. She sighed, "I hope so."

Jim stared unseeing at the navigation screens. Hands braced on either side of the monitor, fingers curled so his nails dug into the wood, bent over it with his shoulders hunched and head hung low, bangs obscuring his face so he could barely see past them even if he'd wanted to.

Weight crushed down on his chest. Squeezed him so tightly he could barely breathe. He gasped for air. He couldn't sleep. He couldn't eat. Food went in and an hour later - if he was lucky it was even that long - it came right back up and had him running for a bucket or for the side of the ship to lean over. He was barely able to force water down his own throat. How could he when every moment drew them closer and closer to-

Three days. Three fucking days of this pressure shoving harder and harder down on him and he was ready to make a break for it and disappear. Leave everything behind, take a longboat, sail in any direction other than this one. But he couldn't. He couldn't .

It was different now. Everything had been fuzzy. Distant. A feeling he followed. But now…now he could see it coming. He knew exactly where they were going. He'd laid awake the last couple nights wondering what sort of sick game this was for him to get this level of clarity right at the very end. Was it this bad because he knew what was coming at the end?

How did Caolan hide it so well?

Jim shook his head and screwed his eyes shut. He couldn't think of Caolan right now. It only made him more miserable and alone.

Sidon had been markedly absent from just about everything for the past eleven days of travel. The weather had been nice. It had been beautiful, actually, so there was really no need for him to do anything, but it was still a captain's duty to be there for his crew. He hadn't left. Jim saw him in passing, and each time Sidon would notice him the Zora would cut off his conversation with whoever he'd been talking to and disappear again.

It was infuriating.

I must have said something without realizing…must have whispered that I loved him…must have told him SOMEHOW…why would he be avoiding me otherwise?

It made sense that Sidon was distancing himself from Jim, especially since he'd apparently accidentally told Sidon how he felt about him without even fully knowing how he'd felt at the time. Sidon was still clearly fiercely loyal to Raeleth. Jim was just a plaything. A passing fancy. Something to pass the time.

Jim let out a shaky breath. He could feel his throat closing up with emotion and tears burning at the backs of his eyes.

He snorted. He'd been like this once before. Caolan had driven him to the point of nearly breaking by pushing him away. But it had worked out for them, at least for a while, in the end. It wasn't going to work now. It never even was an option for him and Sidon.

Never should have even entertained the idea…I'm a fool…

"What's the matter, Brigit?"

Jim raised his head and blinked dazedly. He looked out over the deck to where the girl he'd come to see as a sister stood with a mop in hand. She leaned heavily on it, mouth pulled into a frown, eyebrows pitched upward. Ash rested his paw on her shoulder and leaned so he could peer into her down-turned face.

"Nothing…'m fine."

She was about as good a liar as he was. Her eyes flickered up in Jim's direction and he turned his face away quickly, but he glanced through his bangs in time to see her hang her head again. He felt guilt wash over him. He knew why she was upset, but he couldn't do anything about it. Three days of giving her a cold shoulder, three days of brushing her off, three days of being just like the man that had sired him…it killed him to treat her like that, but he needed her to hate him to soften the blow…He knew better than anyone that anger was easier than pain. He only hoped that he was making her angry enough that it wouldn't hurt at all when he-

"Who am I kidding?" Jim whispered under his breath. It would still hurt. He was just making it worse. Brigit deserved a better brother than him…

"What's on your mind?"

Jim jumped a little. He looked over at the wheel and straight into Davey's eyes. The Arcturian studied him with an unreadable expression, one hand on the wheel and the other hung at his side as he turned to gaze at Jim.

"Nothing."

"Could'a fooled me," Davey mused. Jim sighed.

"From the way you've been the past couple of days, would'a thought there was a lot going on in your head."

Jim turned his face away. Shame and self-loathing fought for dominance in his chest. Anger was somehow winning out over both of them.

"Been short with everyone. Snappy. I've seen how you've treated Brigit. Downright acting like a dick. You got something you want to say?"

With a deep breath, Jim tipped his head back and closed his eyes. The anger in his chest was bubbling hotter. Not toward Davey. No, he was right. He hated himself for not being able to handle his own emotions and for turning his own inadequacies into passive aggressive jabs at his fellow spacers.

"What's got you so pissy, huh? We didn't do nothing to you. Haven't done anything to deserve this attitude from you-"

"I know."

Davey looked startled at Jim's answer. Jim didn't look directly at him. He couldn't face him. Shame swept in and won out over all the rest of the roiling, burning, aching emotions just under his skin and it left him feeling numb and cold. He owed every single one of them an apology for how he'd been treating them.

It's too late for that now. They all need to hate me.

Jim pulled himself away from the control panel. His body was stiff from standing in one position for too long. How many hours had he spent bent over the navigation screen with his thoughts drowning him? What even was time anymore? He could practically feel the trickling sand in the hourglass reaching the final grains as they filled the bottom half. Soon time would be up. There was light filtering in through the steady stream that fell on his head.

It took far more energy than he thought possible to walk down the stairs from the bridge to the deck. He looked around. There were only a few bodies left on deck. Where was everyone?

The scent of something warm, familiar, comforting, drifted up from the galley and he followed his nose.

Bonzabeast stew…did you do it on purpose? Did you call me down here with the same thing you made the first time we met on purpose, Silver?

The crew sat around the tables with heaping bowls of stew. Grins and laughter and merriment. At least until he walked in. Jim felt the atmosphere tense as he reached the bottom step. The laughter died. Smiles dropped off faces.

It's for the best.

He avoided meeting anyone's gaze and walked straight to the kitchen. Served himself up the smallest amount he thought he could get away with. Silver didn't acknowledge him, but he was busy cutting something on the far counter. Jim walked back down between the tables and seated himself in the furthest corner from anyone to pick at the food in the bowl. Each bite was a nostalgic punch right to his heart, and he silently lamented that he wouldn't be able to keep it down.

Slowly the room returned to the level of jollity it had been before he'd come down and Jim remained seated with his empty bowl so he wouldn't ruin it again. He stared at the grains in the wood on the table top and traced shapes with his eyes as he rolled the vial of his mother's ashes in his palm over and over.

"Captain!"

The cheerful shout snapped him out of his head and Jim looked up with a start. Sidon stood at the bottom of the stairs. Their gazes met. The Zora looked just as startled as he felt, and Jim watched his face as he seemingly silently debated whether he should turn and leave again.

"You've been like a ghost around the ship, captain. Everything alright?" Someone piped up. Sidon tore his eyes away from Jim and walked to the kitchen.

"Yes, it seems I have been," Guilt weighed at Sidon's expression and he looked down at the floor for a moment before straightening his back and addressing everyone again, "Please forgive me for my absence, everyone. I was working through something and I neglected my duties while doing so. I burdened all of you, and I apologize for doing so."

He was met with a chorus of "it's ok, captain" and "we could never stay mad at you, sir" and "why didn't you tell us? We would have helped you if we could" and Sidon was accepted into the crew's midst without any of them batting an eye.

Would they forgive me just as easily?

Jim felt himself deflate. Why would they? Sidon hadn't even done anything wrong. They had nothing to forgive. It wasn't the same case for Jim. He'd been an asshole for days on end with no provocation or context.

He couldn't even tell them why.

"Do you know close are we, captain?"

The question sent a chill down Jim's spine. His throat went drier than the canyons on Montressor. His heart beat faster than he could keep track of. A tremor started up in his hands.

"I'm not sure…Jim, do you have a clearer view yet?"

The room had fallen quiet again and all eyes turned to pin him in place. Jim raised his head and glanced around at the cold, expectant gazes. He had to swallow before he could answer, "We'll be there by tomorrow morning…"

A ripple of excitement passed through the crew and they all started to chatter at once, some musing about what could be at the end, some asking Sidon if he wanted to raise their speed, some wondering what they would do afterward. Jim listened, his heart growing heavier, and he looked back down at the table.

"Jim."

He looked up with a start. Hope dared to flicker in his chest; Sidon had noticed that he ached so badly he felt as if he would fall apart at the slightest touch. Sidon had realized that Jim was more important to him than whatever it was at the end of the line. Sidon wanted-

"When you return to the bridge, would you increase our speed?" The Zora asked, his voice indifferent. Cold.

Jim's breath caught in his throat and then rushed out all at once. Any hope that had flared to life in his chest sputtered out and died. How could Sidon know? Why would he care?

"Yes, sir."

The crew turned back to their captain. Spoke excitedly again. None of them saw how he was spiraling deeper and deeper into the pit in his chest and even if they did, he was sure that they wouldn't have cared.

A violent heave of his stomach had him on his feet and rushing to put his bowl and spoon in the wash basin. Silver didn't look up from what he'd been doing again, but Jim was so focused on not vomiting in the middle of the room that he hardly noticed. He practically ran up the stairs to the deck and then threw himself at the railing to retch into the dark abyss below. A sob wracked his chest. He wiped his hand over his mouth.

I should just throw myself overboard and get it over with.

He debated it, his eyes locked on a distant star so far from them that its light fluttered dimly. How long would it be before he died out there? Would it hurt? Did he even have the courage to jump? Yes. He eventually turned and made his way sluggishly to the bridge. He punched the coordinates into the navigation tool. Pushed the lever for the throttle to the max setting. Stared unseeing again across the deck as the sails filled and the ship picked up speed under his feet. Movement caught his attention and he turned toward it in a daze.

Sidon came up from the galley and walked toward his cabin. He looked up and their gazes locked. The man turned away quickly and continued on his path.

Just a little glimpse…please…give me anything…I can't bear to be alone tonight…

Jim followed Sidon. His heart slammed in his chest. His hand shook as he raised it to knock on the door to the cabin. The sound echoed almost unbearably loudly. There was no answer, but Jim continued to stand there. He needed it…just…just once more…

Let me pretend. Let me pretend one more time that you feel anything toward me at all. Please…please, Sidon-

"Come in."

He let out the breath he'd been holding and reached for the handle more eagerly than he'd intended, but he almost couldn't be bothered. He nearly fell through the door in his desperation. Sidon sat at his desk with one hand reached down to put something back into one of the drawers. He didn't look up as Jim came into the room.

"Did you need something?"

Jim hesitated. He felt foolish for being here, but he needed this, "It's been a while since we've had a moment alone."

The Zora gave no answer. He didn't move from how he was sitting. Jim took a tentative step forward.

"Did you get bored of me?" He didn't want to know the answer, but he found himself asking anyway.

Sidon looked up at him, but he still didn't speak. They gazed at each other silently. Jim could feel the weight crushing down on his chest again. He could barely breathe. Every fiber of his being yearned for Sidon's touch. Even if it was all in his head, even if Sidon didn't feel anything at all, he couldn't leave now. His heart wouldn't let him. Jim stepped around the desk carefully. Sidon's eyes bore into him.

"We've got some time before we get there. We could have one more go."

He'd reached Sidon. Stood so close that he could feel the heat coming off him. He reached out, unwilling and unable to stop himself, and rested his hand on the Zora's forearm. The air rushed out of him as Sidon reached back and cupped his waist with one hand and pulled him close. He gasped again as Sidon pressed his face against his throat.

"Just…just one more time…" Jim breathed the plea urgently. Sidon's hands slipped under his shirt, crawled over his skin, left burning trails across his body. His lips followed the slope of Jim's neck to his left shoulder. They moaned weakly in unison.

"No-" Sidon shoved him away forcefully and Jim stumbled against the desk. He barely caught himself on the edge. His heart ceased to beat for a moment, body washed in ice, the air in his lungs burned.

"I can't…not right now…Raeleth-"

Jim flinched so hard it hurt. Sidon kept speaking, but he couldn't hear him over the ringing that filled his ears. Agony, hot and sharp and violent, surged through him and brought tears rushing to his eyes. He stared at the floor and tried to will them away.

"-later. When we've reached the end coordinates and have collected whatever is there…then we can…we can be together-" Sidon's voice was so distant he may as well have been across the galaxy. Jim was able to wrangle his tears back down. He looked up at the hopeful expression on Sidon's face. The man seemed to be waiting expectantly, "Afterward…ok? We can be together afterward…"

"Afterward...that…yeah, that works…" Jim spoke softly. Tried to be reassuring. Sidon didn't know there would be no afterward. Not for him...

Relief flooded Sidon's face and he relaxed back in his seat. He smiled at Jim for the first time in what felt like an eternity and it hurt so much Jim almost couldn't hold back his whimper. He wanted to fall forward and kiss Sidon so badly that it felt like he might die right now if he didn't. Jim jerked a little as the Zora spoke again, "Will you let me know when we've arrived?"

"I programmed the system so that we'll stop automatically when we reach the coordinates," Jim whispered. He couldn't seem to get his voice to work properly. Sidon looked pleased and he smiled a little wider.

"What do we need to do after that?"

Jim swallowed a little. There was no 'we'. All that the Bonder Map needed to complete the 'ritual' was him.

"I have to take the map to the 'door'."

Sidon nodded decisively, "I'll accompany you. I'll go to the deck when the ship ends. Don't leave without me."

No…no, I don't want you to be there…I can't…I can't handle it…can't handle you not picking me…can't handle the idea of you seeing and not doing anything...

"Ok."

The Zora looked even more pleased and he ushered Jim toward the door, "Then we should both prepare and try to get some sleep before dawn."

He didn't argue. How could he when this was all Sidon had been searching for? When this was what Sidon had sacrificed so much for? Who was he to want anything from Sidon? Who was he to wish that the man would pick him instead…the sound of the door closing behind him sent a stabbing pain through his heart.

I should have known better…shouldn't have come here at all…what did I expect?

Jim found himself padding slowly down the stairs into the galley. Even now he couldn't help himself from seeking out some sort of comfort.

Silver came into view at his normal place at the counter in the kitchen and the tension in Jim's shoulders instantly melted. Sidon didn't want him, but Silver…Silver did. He always had. Jim felt the urge - for the millionth time in the last three days alone - to tell Silver everything he'd been hiding surge to the tip of his tongue. If the man so much as looked at him with that gentle look he always had just for Jim-

"Hey Silver…mind if I just sit in here for a bit?"

"If ye think ye c'n jest come in 'ere like 'normal' an' as if ye haven't been a complete ass the past few days, ye've got another thing comin'."

Jim stopped dead in his tracks. What had he been thinking? Of course Silver would turn him away too. The man turned away from what he'd been doing at the counter and faced Jim with a scowl and red-tinted glare and Jim's heart nearly shattered. I deserve this-

"Ye need to 'pologize te Brigit fer actin' the way ye have been. 'Til then, I don' right care wha' ye want. An' I don' want te see ye neither 'til ye make it right with Brigit. Nothin' ye got goin' on is important 'nough te act the way ye been doin'."

"Nothin' ye got goin' on is important 'nough te act the way ye been doin'."

Those words rattled in his head, bounced violently down on their way into his chest and shook around in the empty space where his heart should be. You're not important enough. Jim felt numbness creeping up on him again.

"You're right…sorry."

Jim turned away. He walked down the hall with a feeling of apprehension shoving him toward the floor. The door to Brigit's room was closed and he stood in front of it for an immeasurable amount of time before he tapped his knuckles against the wood. There was no answer, just the same as when he'd gone to Sidon's door, and he felt a dropping, sinking, falling feeling. He tried again.

When she didn't answer again, he turned away.

He knew he wouldn't sleep if he tried to go to bed, but it didn't stop him from going to his cabin. No one wanted to see him, so he may as well go someplace where he wasn't bothering anyone.

Jim froze in the doorway.

Brigit lay curled up on his cot with Morph snuggled into the crook of her shoulder and neck. Jim's heart twisted painfully. There was a wet spot on the pillow under her cheek, and trails down her cheeks.

He pulled the vial of ashes out of his coat pocket, slipped the jacket off, and laid it over her like a blanket.

"I'm sorry for the last couple days, Bri," Jim whispered. He snuck back out the door and started to wander back toward the galley, but thought better of it and turned the other way and used the steps at the other end of the hall to get to the deck.

The night sky beckoned to him. He picked a path toward the bow and tucked himself into the prow. Turned his eyes to the sky, gripped the vial of ashes, focused on breathing and trying not to lose his resolve that he'd managed to hold onto for the last few days. His mind wandered, bounced, ricocheted to all the things he had thought his life would be.

Hours passed this way, finally his eyes drifted shut as the rocking lulled him into a faux calm. He knew that the slightest change would send the roiling emotions just under his skin to the forefront of his mind again.

Jim jolted as the ship came to a stop. His heart trembled in his chest.

This was it. End of the line. The last grains of sand fell from the hourglass and into the basin below. Jim's throat was so dry he thought he might choke on his next breath. His eyes snapped open. He was cold…and hot…and numb…fear coursed through his veins.

It couldn't end like this. Not like this. Not when he had one more promise he couldn't break.

He scrambled to his feet and ran to the galley. The wild hope that Silver would be in there fueled him on, and it felt as if his heart crushed in his chest when the room was dark and empty. Jim gripped the vial in his pocket. He shook all over.

There was paper and a pen on the counter. Silver had been working up a list of supplies they needed. He looked over the familiar handwriting and his heart wrenched in his chest.

Will he even do this for me? He has no reason to…I haven't given him one…

Jim reached for the pad of paper and pen and tried to control his shaking hand as he wrote. He didn't have time, but he poured as much of his heart as he could into each word, tears eventually making it so hard that he couldn't see anymore. He looked up at the ceiling and blinked rapidly to make them go away. He didn't deserve to cry.

The vial looked so tiny in his palm, but it was immeasurably heavy, and he clutched it to his chest quickly before setting it on top of the note.

"I'm sorry…" He whispered to the dark room, to his mother, to the man sleeping in his room down the hall off to the left of the mess hall. To everyone. Tears rushed to his eyes again and he fought them down. Sidon would be waiting for him. He didn't have time.

Jim turned away and hurried to the stairs.

His eyes were dragged back toward the galley and he stared at the familiar scene. He could almost see Silver behind the stove with his bright, crooked smile, and a belly laugh that warmed Jim all the way down to his core. He whipped away and ran up the stairs before his resolve could break and he allowed himself to finally cry.