Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Hazbin Hotel, Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.
Enforcer of Veritable Infernal Laws
Or The Anti-Christ Was Adopted
A Hellhound Orphanage was the same regardless of the Ring it was found in. Cell-like structure, to keep the Hellpups secure and in place until such a time where they were adopted or phased out. Bee-Lzebub had designed them as such because Hellpups were a bunch of rambunctious, disorderly and violent creatures. All instinct and few gifted in the way of thought.
Satan didn't see why the Sin of Gluttony was so enamored with them. The creatures had existed since Hell had come to be, but she took claim to them, to the point that she resembled them more now than she did a Sin when it all started. Not that he could talk, his own creations, Imps, didn't look a thing like him. They were small. Weak. Annoying. Stupid. Mortal. Perfect for their position as slaves, to serve him and others as he intended. Outside of this? Satan couldn't care less about the fire toads.
He didn't hesitate to share this opinion with anyone that might ask, even the little bastards themselves.
"I really think this will do wonders for your progress, Satan. After all, Hellhounds are more in tune with our inner energies and emotions than most demons, even Succubi like me." Yogirt hummed as he floated alongside the Great Red Dragon as they strode through the hall of Wrath's Hellhound Orphanage. What were normally vicious mongrels cowered away from Satan, frightened of his might, his stature, his power. As they should be. He snorted, hands tucked into his pockets as they strode through the hallway.
"I have literally a dozen better things to do than waste my time here finding an 'Emotional Support Hellhound'." Satan growled at his 'advisor'. Ever since Lilith up and vanished almost a decade ago, Lucifer had been more reclusive than ever. He wasn't exactly big on running things to begin with, what with it having been a millennia since the King of Hell graced another Ring with his presence. He felt his blood boil the longer he wasted time with thoughts on his Boss. Feh, let the proud King do as he wishes, Satan was the one in control down here now.
"Yes, I know, but we don't want you to disregard your emotional health, now do we? And after that little mishap with the coffee machine and toaster, you agreed to give this a try," Yogirt pointed out with a small smile. Satan growled, he'd rather forget that incident entirely. The Incubus-Baphomet hybrid put his hands together. "A growing Hellhound can be a wonderful demonic companion, able to share their wants and desires easily, and be a good ear to talk to. They're loyal and ferocious, and as long as you keep their Gluttony satisfied, they're perfect to raise in place of an actual child. They're certainly less of an annoyance than Queefs' yaps."
"We'll see." Satan muttered, he was damn sure not going to try to have a pet Queef. Those things were just fucking obnoxious. When he finds out what demon had a hand in creating them, ohh...he'll be relieving some stress with that creator being used as a punching bag. As the Sin of Wrath fantasized about walloping whatever demon caused the latest fad pet to swarm across Hell, he subtly eyed the various Hellhounds he walked past until one caught his eye.
It was a wolf-breed, if he remembered correctly. A golden and cream furred puppy, save for the darker brown fur that covered his wrists, hands, ankles and feet. The little mongrel wasn't even taller than Satan's ankle, and it had two bright blue eyes that stared up at him in awe. He stood in front of the cage and bent down to growl in the pup's face.
"Do I have something on my face, brat?" He sneered. The Hellpup stared at him until its mouth pulled into a wide smile.
"A Dragon!" The puppy gasped. Its tail started to wag frantically as it smiled up at Satan. It was a bright thing, that toothless smile. It grabbed the bars of its cell and started to jump eagerly. "So cool!"
Well, it couldn't be said that the Pup didn't have taste. Satan didn't smile nor did he smirk, but he did lose some of his scowl. He stood up and looked at the nervous wreck of a Hellhound that was supposed to be showing off the puppies to him and his 'advisor'.
"What the fuck is wrong with this one?"
"G-genetic defects, Lo-Lord Satan. Possibly an Al-albino–? Blue-eyes aren't natural and the Golden fur–"
"Is also abnormal. Yes, I can see that. That wasn't what I meant." Satan snorted smoke from his nostrils, which only further excited the Hellpup. He squinted at it. "Why isn't it afraid?"
"He, uh, he might be too stupid. He was caught with a box and string by Wranglers near a-a dumpster."
The Hellpup glanced at the older Hellhound and its eyes flashed as its tail stilled. Satan arched a brow as the pup's lips thinned, before it looked back at him and its tail started to wag anew. His eyes narrowed.
"Why aren't you afraid?"
"L-Lord Satan, maybe we could find a different pup–" the older Hellhound stammered. Satan ignored their useless prattle as the Hellpup answered him.
"Don't need to be. Figurin' if'n you're mad at me, you're an idiot, cuz I didn't do nuthin to ya." The pup chirped without a care in the world. Calling him, the Sin of Wrath, an idiot was a dangerous gambit, yet this little creature did so as if Satan couldn't obliterate this entire building with a flick of his finger! Oblivious of the danger being courted, the Hellpup smiled at him, that same bright smile. "Wanna be friends? I always wanted to be friends with a dragon!"
"Friends." Satan repeated with a huff. "There are no friends in Hell."
"Naw, course there are! See, you gots that little guy as a friend!" The Hellpup pointed at Yogirt, who remained quiet.
"Yogirt is not my friend. He is my advisor and anger management therapist."
"Right! Cuz he's yer friend!"
This Hellpup might actually be an idiot. All the same, Satan was intrigued by the fearless Hellpup. He tilted his head slightly as the puppy continued to smile at him and wag its tail.
"Why aren't you afraid of me? I could crush you in my bare hands. I could erase you from existence."
"Y' could! Cool!" Definitely an idiot. The puppy's tongue lulled out the side of his mouth. "I bet I could break a tooth out of your mouth! If I did, could I keep it?!"
"I...Uh." Satan was admittedly out of his depths here. He tried to remember the last time he felt that way and..he couldn't. It didn't anger him to be unable to recall a time where he did, but rather...brought some peace of mind to him. This was new. New was different. Different wasn't good, but it wasn't bad either. It was perfectly balanced on the precipice, as all things should be. As he realized that, Satan let out a surprised huff. "That's a first. What's your name, Little Hellhound?"
"He, um, he doesn't–" the useless escort that had yet to add anything worthwhile stammered. Fucking waste.
"My name is Naruto!" The pup, Naruto, chirped and tilted his head. "Who're you, Mister Dragon?"
Ah. That explains the lack of fear. Too young to know the hierarchy of Hell. Satan smirked. He'd have to educate him.
"I am Satan."
The puppy, Naruto, tilted his head the other way. Blue eyes squinted and his tail went still. His smile dimmed as he pursed his lips.
"You don't look like a fabric."
Silence fell over the Hall, faint whines of other pups could be heard. Finally, the silence was broken…as Yogirt snorted.
Satan tried, he really did try, to keep his face straight. The surprising comment once more caught him off guard. He failed to fight back the twitch in his lips and the second amused huff that slipped out.
"That would be Satin. I am Satan. The Sin of Wrath."
"Ohh..!" Naruto blinked and then smiled at him. "Nice to meet you, Satan! Wanna be friends?"
"Do you know who I am?" Satan asked dryly.
"You just told me. Member?" The puppy gasped. "Oh no, you don't have bad mem-berry, do you?! I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to make fun!"
"Mem-berry!" Yogirt, who was doubled over in stitches, wheezed out.
"You didn't offend me. You just don't know better." Satan mumbled, a strange form of cool anger filled him at the Hellpup's frown. The worried look on the Hellpup's face melted away and he smiled at Satan again. Big, adorable happy smile.
Shit.
He was actually considering this, wasn't he?
"Oh good. I don't like makin fun of friends, well unless they do somethin dumb, like run into a glass door or fall out a window." Naruto giggled to himself as his tail wagged. "You ever run into a glass door?"
"No...but I've walked through plenty that were far too clean." Satan admitted, a wry smile spreading across his face. The Hellpup laughed and Satan made his decision. He knelt down and rested one hand on his knee as he crouched to look the young demon in the eye. "Naruto?"
"That's me! What'cha need, Mr. Satan?"
"Would you...like a home?" He asked. He pointedly ignored the proud gasp that came out of Yogirt's mouth. If the Hybrid even thought about pulling his phone out, he would kill him. Satan had done a lot to ensure his visit today wouldn't be on anyone's radar. Keeping this from Bee-Lzebub was going to be a pain in the ass.
"Course!" The Hellpup looked at him as if he said something weird. "But I gotta wait til I age out 'fore I can try to buy one."
..Huh. There it is again. This puppy was just chock full of surprising commentary.
"And why do you have to wait until you phase out?" Satan asked.
"Cuz I'm defected, duh." Naruto snorted, giving the older useless, spineless Hellhound escorting the Sin a small glare. He looked up at Satan and grinned. "But that's okay! I got 'nuff to do til then. Like train!"
"Oh?" Satan asked. He'd thought the Hellpup was interesting before. "What are you training for?"
"Fun, mostly. But one day once I get out of here and get growed up, I'm-a be the toughest, strongest, baddest Hellhound in all Hell, y'know!"
Yep. Satan decided. This Hellpup is perfect.
"Naruto, I've decided to adopt you. You won't have to wait to age out."
"Oh." Naruto blinked and grinned. "Okay! Can we be friends,then?"
"...Sure." Satan huffed a third time, and gently scratched the puppy under his chin with a single claw. Tension in his shoulders melted away as the little Hellpup leaned into his touch. Satan barely registered Yogirt's presence on his shoulder and hence didn't jump when the little halfling spoke.
"I told you so."
Satan wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of acknowledging that he was right.
"I want the Hellpup's documentation brought to my office." He grumbled at the caretaker. His four eyes narrowed and he pulled his claw back as he gave Yogirt a sidelong glare. "Bee cannot learn of this. She will never leave me alone. We'll have to forge some documents."
"Of course." Yogirt chuckled. This was why Satan preferred the Hybrid over his previous assistants. They were all too worried about being killed if they stepped out of line and always stammered or complained. Yogirt was too mellow, he knew he'd die eventually, so he wasn't worried.
"Who's Bee?" Naruto asked, drawing the dragon's eyes back down to him. The puppy grinned as his tail wagged. "Is that one of your friends?"
"...She's more like a work colleague." Satan deadpanned. Naruto frowned.
"Whas a col-Lee-guh?"
"Its a step before calling someone a friend." Yogirt supplemented.
"Oh, so Bee is almost a friend! Can I meet 'em and be their friend?!" Naruto asked with a grin.
"I fucking hope not." Satan muttered. He flicked his finger at the puppy. "Back up." Naruto frowned and the Sin of Wrath smirked. "Would you like to see something really cool?"
"Yeah!"
"Then back. Up."
The puppy backed away from the doors and Satan superheated his claw to cut the bars down. Naruto gushed and awed over the feat, even as he climbed out onto Satan's extended hand.
The Sin of Wrath had walked into the Hellhound Orphanage with a scowl.
He left with a smile and a son.
Twenty Years Later
A crash and the furious roar of the Sin of Wrath had the Imps serving him directly flinch and cower wherever they were in the manor.
"Why is it ALWAYS IMPS?!" The enraged Sin's voice echoed as it bounced off of the walls. A heavy slam and stomping feet had the various servants rush away from potential eyesight. Good thing too, because their master and creator, Lord and Sin, was not merciful to anyone when he was enraged. There were only two in the manor that would be spared his ire, and those two alone were unique.
"Yogirt!" Satan stormed down the hall, volcanic veins along his arms glowing brightly along with his sulfuric golden eyes. In one of his hands, smoking as it slowly melted in his heated grasp, was a tablet. The 'advisor' flew into view within a second of his name's snarl. Satan shoved his tablet into his chest. "Imps! Why did I bother to make them?! They're worthless! Useless! Stupid! They do nothing, but cause me fucking headaches!"
"The Goetia wanted a servant class that wouldn't shed everywhere, sir." Yogurt explained as he scrolled through the tablet's opened page. "Oh my. Illegal use of...Hm, clever little business venture–"
"Fucking reckless is what it is! There are laws about this sort of thing," Satan snarled as they swung a left through his manor. "We have Infestors and Succubi for a fucking reason! Who gave this Imp the fucking bright idea that he could decide what humans would be targeted?!"
"Revenge is a very troublesome thing. Blinds the soul along with the mind. Sinners are so out of touch nowadays–"
"Yogurt, for the last fucking time, stop weeping for the stupid." Satan growled. He stopped and looked left and then right. The Sin pinched his brow and grumbled. "What the fuck was I doing?! Fucking dammit, I'm so pissed I can barely see straight–!"
"Deep breath in. Focus on the zen. Annnnd release." Yogurt advised, floating up into his eyesight. "With me now. Deep breath in…focus…focus…release."
"In…release." Satan heaved out a heavy sigh and rubbed his face. "Right. That's what I was doing." He lowered his hand to his mouth, pinched his thumb and middle finger together inside and whistled sharply. After a beat, he growled and shouted out, "NARUTO!"
A minute passed before a fully grown, very muscular, golden-furred Hellhound jogged up to them. Aside from the blue bandanna around his forehead, he was clad in dark blue jeans and a black MC Vest, which had various emblems patched into it. The most prominent of the emblems being the one on the right breast pocket, a smaller variant of the red pentagram that was on his back with the words 'Enforcer of Veritable Infernal Law' encircling it, and the Seal of Satan emblazoned within the heart of the upturned star. The same seal that the Hellhound had tattooed on his left shoulder, while the right bicep bore a Hell Rune tribal band focused around a red spearhead, styled in the same manner as the scales on Satan's chest.
"Right here. What'd you need?" The Hellhound asked, coming to a stop at attention. Satan snapped his fingers and four mugshots appeared in front of the Hellhound. Blue eyes darted around the four, lingered on one that made his ears perk up slightly, before he looked up at the Sin. "Dead or Alive?"
"Alive." Satan growled. "Second circle of Pride. I don't want any headaches. Treat it like a raid, fast and efficient. Bring them to The Court, minimal injuries if possible."
"Yes, sir." Naruto nodded and turned on the ball of his foot. He got nary a step away when a hand cupped over his shoulder and bicep. He looked up at the Dragon Sin of Wrath. "Yeah?"
"You're the only one I know I can rely on, Naruto." Satan rumbled as he squeezed the shoulder. "Make me proud."
"...You got it." Naruto grinned at him. "Dad."
Satan sucked in a sharp breath, caught it and, after a brief moment of struggle, recomposed himself. He glared at the Hellhound as his tail wagged. He snorted.
"Cheeky brat. Try not to fuck the Hellhound bitch until after her sentence is determined." Satan ordered. The younger demon saluted and strode off. Satan crossed his arms. "Get it done quick, Naruto! I want to be in and out of Court before lunch!"
"Sure thing…Dad!"
"Fuckin–!" Satan growled at the laughing mutt as he darted off and then sighed into his hand. He held it there for a moment before he growled. "Yogirt, stop fucking smiling before I punch you."
"I'm always smiling, sir. That'd be an overreaction. Remember, small punishments for small crimes."
"Right, yeah." Satan groaned as they walked toward the garage. He rubbed his face. "What the fuck am I supposed to do with him?"
"Naruto? He's doing fine, isn't he?"
"He's doing phenomenally." Satan corrected him with a scowl. Yogurt waited for the Sin to elaborate. The Great Red Dragon crossed his arms. "Any challenge I put before him he meets and surpasses to an extent I never expected possible. He wanted to join The Enforcers, and he did so, passed the fucking exam with flying colors. He hasn't failed a Hunt once and he doesn't let his Gluttony sidetrack him."
"Wrath is lucky to have such a Prince." Yogirt hummed. Satan growled, his veins shone.
"That's part of the fucking problem." He grunted. "All these fucking years and I can't bring myself to name him as such. He'll go from Hellhound to Heir in the public eye, and that goes without the other Sins' reactions...Especially Bee's."
"She'll find out about him eventually, Satan." Yogirt shrugged. "Don't worry about how the other Sins will react."
"I'm not worried. I just don't want to be fucking pestered or annoyed by them." Satan grumbled. Naruto was his son, his treasure, and like any true dragon, Satan didn't want to share it with anyone. He had a hard enough time letting Yogirt near him. Still, his son had more than earned his recognition, he deserved to be recognized as the Prince of Wrath.
"Well, why not after this hearing? Announce him to the court then, rip the bandage off in one go."
"Hm...Perhaps that could work." Satan mused as the garage door opened. He looked up at the blistering sun over Wrath before looking down to watch Naruto peel out on his flame-wheeled chopper. It made the dragon swell with pride, seeing his son ride the motorcycle they spent his fourteenth birthday putting together. The fires were of Satan's own, an eternal flame fueled by Wrath itself, and the tires were enchanted to light up by runes that they had painstakingly figured out over the course of a week.
Shaking himself from the happy memory, The Sin of Wrath spread his wings and took off with his advisor close behind him. A portal bearing his seal opened in front of them and transported them to the court. He'd retreat to his office for now and make his appearance once Naruto returned with his quarry.
It had taken twenty minutes for him to debrief his team, but soon enough, Naruto pulled up to a lot outside of the building his targets were in. He cut the engine and kicked down the stand for his bike as the Enforcers of Wrath pulled up alongside him and dismounted their six wheeled Armored Demon Transports. Black hoods were drawn over various demonic heads, but all of those assembled wore paramilitary uniforms, sans Naruto himself. Perks of rank as evident by the badge that hung from his chain collar, he didn't have to change if he didn't want to, which he didn't. The only additions he made to his wardrobe was a pair of black fingerless riding gloves and tape around the soles of his feet to prevent them from being overheated by his bike's engine.
A pair of Elite Reapers stepped up to greet him.
"Captain." One hissed, eyes flashing in the shadows of their hood. Not scathing, it was just how Reapers sounded. Freaked him out the first time he met one, the first time his Dad took him into work when he was seven. "What are your orders?"
"Set up a perimeter, I want the building isolated." Naruto ordered as he stared at the building that contained his targets with crossed arms. He worked his jaw and drummed his fingers on his bicep. He hated being in Pride, it was too close to being back there. Couldn't focus on that now, he had a job to do. "Put a boot on their van, its the ugly one that looks like it was shit on. And someone bring me the Blarehorn. Once we get set up, we'll give them the usual one time offer."
"Why bother?" The other Reaper asked. "These are a handful of assassins. Why not send a R.A.G.E. team in to apprehend them?"
"Because that increases risk of death on both sides." Naruto growled. He jabbed a claw in the Reaper's chest. "Satan himself asked me to make sure these fuckers are brought in alive, so we're doing this by the fucking book. Understood?"
"Very well." The Reapers nodded and turned to instruct their teams. A roadblock was set up in three minutes, and barricades were prepped not long after. Restraints were pulled out and prepped by small groups.
"Keep that muzzle ready! If the bitch is like any other Hellhound, she'll try to bite you the first chance she gets! And for fuck's sake, don't shoot unless I say so! Anyone that does will forfeit their right to life and get a new hole to breathe out of!" Naruto ordered. He walked up to the front of the barricade and took the offered Blarehorn. There was slight feedback as he turned it on – fucking irritating – but it fixed itself in record time and he held it up to his mouth. "Demons of I.M.P., by order of his Wrathfulness, Lord Satan, you are to be arrested and brought to trial immediately! Come down peacefully, earn yourself the goodwill of Satan's Enforcers, and no one needs to be harmed! You have thirty seconds to comply!"
"..Think they'll come down quietly?" One Enforcer with a short form asked the taller companion beside him.
"Unlikely."
"Quiet." Naruto growled. He glared up at the floor that I.M.P. was established to be on and his tail flicked. He grabbed the standard hand-held radio he had on his hip and brought it up to his mouth. "Floor Team, any movement on your end, over?"
Inside the building, within the building manager's office, the Enforcers monitoring activity from other departments were set. They were the ones that cut the power and the ones that had arrived on scene before Naruto had gotten there. They weren't in uniform, instead disguised as two Imp contractors.
"Negative, Captain. No movement, over."
"Roger. Floor Team, resume Silence, over."
"Confirmed, out."
Naruto lowered his radio and then lifted the Blarehorn.
"Thirty seconds is up! Last chance to come out peacefully"
A window shattered above them and a bottle spiraled down. Naruto groaned. Why did Imps have to make things so fucking difficult?
"Molotov incoming!" It shattered into one poor sod that was going to get a month off and no pay. Hellborn might be fireproof but alcohol burns were a different beast altogether.
"Overwatch, visual on targets, over?" Naruto asked into the radio. The sniper team in position had non-lethals loaded into their rifle, but those were last resort. He didn't want to take drugged demons to court. That just looked bad.
"Captain, no visuals. Too dark to make anything out, over." Great. Just what he wanted to fucking hear–
"Contact, first floor!" One Enforcer shouted and Naruto looked down to see four figures rushing the entrance under the darkness of the power cut. Naruto frowned, that was too stupid a move, especially for professionals.
"Floor Team, give the lights back, now!"
"Roger."
The building's power turned back on and the running quarter tripped and fumbled over themselves to reveal a group of Imps and a Hellhound...but not the group they were after. Naruto snarled.
"Decoys!"
"Targets at the van!" And sure enough, there they were.
"Its not going anywhere." Naruto growled as he watched a heavily burnt Imp rev the engine and try to peel out of the lot. The Imp, the Hellhound bitch beside him and presumably the other two imps in the van cringed and winced as the Boot on their van squealed. Naruto shoved the Blarehorn into another Enforcer's hands as he stormed over to the van. He flashed a hand signal at one of the Reapers and they moved into position on the other side of the vehicle.
Once he was close enough to the driver's side door, he waited for the Boot to drop its assault, and then knocked on the window. The cringing Imp in the driver's seat stared at him through squinted eyes. Naruto mimed rolling the window down. The Imp did so and scowled at him.
"The fuck did you assholes do to my Van?!"
"Morning folks." He ignored the demand and greeted them with a smirk, as if he hadn't just orchestrated a barricade and ambush for the four wanted criminals in the van. He held his badge up. "Captain Enforcer Three-One-Five. I take it you're all familiar with Infernal Law Code Fourteen B, Thirty-Five?"
"What the fuck–?"
Naruto struck, his free hand shot in and slammed the imp into his steering wheel. Once, twice, a half-dozen more times. Once he was certain the Imp was out, he yanked the limp demon from his seat and slammed him stomach first into the ground. This doubled as a rough awakening, as the Imp hacked and coughed.
"Blitzø! Hey, get the fuck off–!" A crackle of electricity was followed by a sharp yelp as the Hellhound was cattle prodded. She was hauled out and restrained by the second team that moved in. The third and fourth flanked the last two doors. He heard the side door slide open.
"You're not taking us without a fight! C'mon, fuckers! Raagh!"
"Millie, wait! Hey, get your hands off of my wife!"
"Ahh, shes ripping into my eyes! Get her off! Get her off!"
"Dammit, you fuckers just had to make things difficult." Naruto growled at the Imp he was kneeling on. The big horned imp grunted and sneered.
"Whatever bogus charges you got are bullshit! We're on the up and up! This is my fucking business and its fucking legitimate!"
"Yeah? Save it for The Judgement." Naruto growled as he cuffed the Imp and hauled him up by his collar. An attempted kick had him grab the leg and bare his teeth. "Bad idea."
"Oh, what the fuck are you going to do?"
"This."
With his grip on the imp's leg, Naruto turned and chucked him into the driver's side door of the van. The van slid a good foot and the imp was imbedded back first into the metal. Wide eyed, the Imp let out pained squeaks. Naruto walked up to him and looked him in the eye.
"You gonna try that shit again, you got more than enough van here for me to do that several more times."
Weakly, the Imp shook his head.
"..uh-uh.."
"Good call." Naruto smirked and then scowled. "Tell the others to stand down, or for every Enforcer they hurt or kill, I will rip out one of your teeth by hand."
"..M-Muh..Millie!" The Imp shouted after a cough. "Millie! Enough! Don't fight it guys! It's over..it's..it's over."
"Good boy." Naruto pulled the Imp out of his divot and hauled him over to the ADT that was taking them to the courthouse. He dropped the Imp on the ground at a pair of Enforcers' feet, and they quickly hauled him up so he couldn't slip away. With that, Naruto turned to survey the area. "Load it up! We're done here! Rico, ride with the prisoners. Tango, survey clean up. Let's go, boys and girls, assholes and elbows!"
They were led into the courtroom by that Mutt that assaulted him for no reason, with restraints still on and guards at their sides. They were filed into a stand made of stone and their chains were linked to the pedestals in front of them.
"What the fuck are we even doing here?! We didn't do anything fucking wrong!" Blitzø sneered up at the nobles around them. "Not anything that you fucks should care about anyway!"
"Sir, they have us in chains! Pretty sure they have something on us." Moxxie protested. Millie scowled at the Mutt beside them as he spoke softly to the Enforcer that had escorted her. The Enforcer snapped their feet together and nodded before they walked off with the rest, while the Mutt stepped up to the stand in front of seven empty thrones, grabbing a clipboard from the pillar that was in front of him. Murmurs of disquiet and annoyance came from the Goetia, and Blitzø sneered at them again.
"Fuckers." He grumbled, even as he searched for a face that would alleviate his worry. If Stolas was here, everything would be okay. Right? He'd vouch for them...wouldn't he?
"Case docket One-Six-Whiskey-Alpha-Six-Six-Eight." The Mutt read off as he pulled the bandanna from his head, stuffed it in his back pocket, and scratched at his ear. He lowered the clipboard he had in his hand and looked them over. "Accused are Employees of Immediate Murder Professionals. Accused, stand straight when addressed: Blitzø Buckzo. Moxworth Knowlastname. Mildred Knowlastname. Loona Buckzo. Do you have any challenges or accusations to make before the Court is assembled?"
"Yeah! This whole thing is a crock!" Blitzø snarled. "We didn't do anything that wasn't allowed!"
"We're innocent! Well, as innocent as demons can be," Moxxie said, muttering the last bit to himself.
"Yeah! Y' ain't got nothin on us!" Millie sneered. "And when I get out of this, I'm-a skin you alive!"
"Noted." The Mutt deadpanned before he looked at Loona. She glared at him and he returned it for a solid minute before he gave her a small smile, and tilted his head. His ears shifted a bit, and her eyes went wide. Her ears snapped back to her head and she looked away, but her tail started to wag. The Mutt grinned and his tail wagged in turn. The whole scene was...fucking weird.
"…The fuck is going on here?" Blitzø asked, scowling. Did this fucker just threaten his Loony?! He'll kill him!
"Nothing you need to worry about." The Mutt looked down at his clipboard and muttered. "Kinda hope you aren't guilty, pretty cute."
The fuck–?!
"All rise for the Seven Deadly Sins!" The Mutt barked and five of the Sins slowly made their way to certain seats. Wordlessly, the few friendly with each other smiled or nodded, but they remained silent as the last Sin arrived.
Satan.
Shit. Blitzø gulped as the giant dragon dropped down and took his seat upon the massive throne at the base of the arrangement. Fuck, he's huge!
"The fuck is this all about then?" Mammon broke the silence as he started to chow down on a bucket of chicken. "I have better fucking things to do with my time than listen to one of these fuckin hearings again! Time is money, you know!"
"Oh, if only we didn't have to listen to you." Belphegor's mumble was soft but still heard by all. The Sin of Greed turned as best he could in his seat and glared up at her.
"Eh? Fuck's that supposed to mean, cunt?"
"It means you're an annoying asshole, damn! None of want to fuckin be here, Mams!" Queen Bee-Lzebub scoffed as she crossed her arms and peered down at the Accused. One of her arms gestured at the Imps. "I mean, whatever was brought up against these guys was probably bogus! Sure, the burnt one's got issues the size of Texas, but he can party! And Sour Cream's alright–"
"Again with the fucking dog thing! Cunt, not all of us like the fucking mutt minge or dick as much as you do!" Mammon sneered before he took a monstrous bite of chicken. He pointed the leg at her and continued while her eye twitched. "So, why don't you just g'on back to your little pup pounding and put a knot in it?!"
"...Yeah, why don't you eat a dick?!" Bee countered, throwing a manifested cock-sicle at the Sin of Greed. She smirked. "Choke on that, you fat sack of Clown Shit."
"Why you cocky, cunt! I have half a mind–"
"As long as we agree on that." Asmodeus snorted. Mammon sneered at him.
"Listen, not all of us are lowbrow slummers like you two cunts! Some of us have dignity to preserve with our class!" Mammon spat. He smirked and leaned over to elbow Levithan. "Speaking of, Levi, love, how's about later you n me get reacquainted, eh? Got a noice Sin-worthy slab of meat to show you. Eh?"
"The fuck you trying to say?" Bee scowled at him.
"Oi, I'm tryin to score! Buzz off, ya mutt fucking cunt!"
"You have to try? That's so sad."
"Oi! Don't make me come up there–"
"Enough," Satan's firm decree stopped the bickering as he glared at the sins. He turned toward Blitzø and his lip curled. "Captain, read the charges."
"Illicit use of a Goetia Grimoire by Hellborn, to perform illegal and unsanctioned assassinations on the Mortal Plane." The Mutt recited, looking at the clipboard in his hand. "Coinciding with this is – wow, for real? ...Okay. Traversal to Earth without proper Human Disguises."
"...Did you know that was a crime?" Blitzø asked Moxxie, who stood beside him.
"No! I mean, I thought it was odd that we never tried to obtain any, but then we never really had any issues, um..aside from that one group." Moxxie muttered. Blitzø blinked and his twink employee rolled his eyes. "D.H.O.R.K.S., Blitzø. Remember? They snagged us after that job in...Crumbs, where was it? Northeast Murika?"
"Ohh, yeah, those fucks! Then that time they found me in Mahigo!" Blitzø nodded. He started to notice the room was quiet and looked up to see The Mutt and Satan staring at him flatly. The Sin of Wrath's nostrils were smoking. Huh, neat. Blitzø didn't know he could do that.
"Oh, no, please continue to dig that hole. Don't mind us, we're only here because of your stupid asses." Satan growled, leaning on one arm as his eyes shone. The Mutt cleared his throat and Satan snapped his glare to him. It relaxed and he huffed out some steam. "So that's, what? Two admitted counts of exposure to humanity?"
"I'll write it in." The Mutt nodded.
"Wait, what? No! I never exposed myself! ...To humans!" Blitzø quickly amended. He leaned forward and cupped a hand around the side of his mouth. "Moxxie might've, though, he's a little slow. Try to take it easy on him."
"...Thank you, Blitzø. Thank you, so much." Moxxie thanked him, and Blitzø grinned.
"Ah-yeah, don't say I never did anything worthwhile for you, bitch!"
"The longer I sit here and listen to this more I hate it." Satan rumbled, drumming his claws on the arm of his throne. He stood and looked at his wrist, where a nice watch was fastened. He grumbled before he looked at The Mutt. "Captain, normally now would be the time I would dismiss you to other duties, but for now I ask you to remain."
"Yes, sir." The Mutt stood with his legs spread shoulder-width and his hands folded behind his back, the clipboard pressed into his spine.
Side note, that was a Helluva posterior on that Hellhound. Like, damn clap them cheeks! If it weren't for the fact that Hellhound absolutely bodied him, Blitzø would destroy that ass. Like, ruin it. Almost like that time he and Stolas got freaky in that motel bathroom down by Dreambreaker Street. Shit, that was a great night, and Stolas was on his fucking A-game as a bottom bitch.
"Sir. Sir? Blitzø!" Moxxie hissed.
"Fuck, what Mox? I'm trying to think of a way out of this."
"You just audibly lusted over that Hellhound's ass and then recited a session between you and Prince Stolas." Millie deadpanned at him. And if Millie was deadpanning..Ooh, shit. Loona looked...well, it was hard to say, but she wouldn't meet his eyes and kept staring ahead. What was she–? Oh, right, the nice Hellhound ass. Yeah, that checks out.
"...Lord Satan, I'd-uh...I'd like to request to, um...leave." The Mutt had his ears folded back and his tail curled down to hide that choice butt.
Did Loona just whine? Blitzø snapped his gaze to her and her ears were flat and her eyes had that sad gleam in them and...Wait, why was she sad that she couldn't see the Hellhound–Blitzø just answered his own question. He glared at The Mutt. Nice ass or not, this fucker was not getting near his baby. They didn't know anything about him other than he worked for the Big Red Asshole in charge!
"Regrettably, Captain, I must deny that request." Satan growled and Blitzø felt the weight of the demon's gaze. He twisted his hand and a clipboard similar to The Mutt's appeared in his hand. His four glowing eyes blazed as he growled his next words. "Blitz-oh Buckzo...Let's start with your very colorful history, shall we?"
Oh...shit. Blitzø gulped. This was...bad.
Satan had initially wanted to breeze through the case. Initially.
Then that cocky little fucker had talked about his son's ass.
The Imp talked about it like it was a slab of meat. Then fantasized, openly, about things he would do to it, not only embarrassing his son, but making him distinctly uncomfortable. As if that wasn't bad enough? The Imp then talked about things he had done to Stolas – Prince Stolas? He was wrapped up in this?! Fuck, Andrealphus' interest in the case was becoming really fucking apparent; Satan wasn't going to be used so easily – and continued to be crude. Flippant. Disregarding the miracle of the structure around them, the chaos that Satan ensured was barely controlled and managed.
His blood boiled as the Imp argued his illegal business' innocence. Contracts on Humans were made and executed with Sin oversight – his oversight! – for a fucking reason!
He wanted to make an example of this arrogant, foul little shit...But he could become a martyr. He could see it now: 'Blitzø Buckzo hated the system he was born into and strived for it to change, unfortunately he died before it could come to fruition.'
Aw, the little burnt Imp's life was so hard. Boo hoo. Tough shit. Satan didn't care how hard the Imps' lives were, theirs was to be an existence of servitude! Welcome to Hell, dumbass.
Unfortunately, Satan was PR savvy enough to know that if he took that easy way out and killed the annoying, foul, disrespectful, arrogant dumbass, it would be his scaly ass that would take the heat. He didn't want to deal with that negative feedback, that shit was reserved for the King watching his inmates.
Furthermore, Stolas was in the wrong for using his Grimoire as a glorified punch card, and it could be argued that the Imp was only using the Grimoire out of misguided understanding. The lot of them were idiots, horny, murderous, uncultured heathens...They needed structure. Discipline.
Death was a mercy. Too quick.
For any of them.
"Prince Stolas, the truth of the matter is none of your crimes are worth death." Satan admitted. He shrugged and smirked at the gobsmacked gay Prince. "Noble your intent to sacrifice yourself may have been, but there won't be a sacrifice of a Goetia for what? Fucking an Imp? I'd have to go after Asmodeus if that was a crime."
"Hey." Ozzie frowned at him and Satan sneered.
"Oh, you could argue that your 'partner' is a glorified sex toy." He huffed a cloud of smoke. He pointed at Stolas and growled. "But you will be punished, Prince Stolas, for blatantly disregarding sacred laws and order that we uphold to keep Hell functioning. A hundred years without your title and powers should do it."
"A hundred years of wha–AUUUGHHHHU!" Stolas was surrounded by the Seven Seals of Sin and his powers were extrapolated. Painfully, mercilessly and broadcast live to show everyone what the Sins, what he was capable of. Satan lifted his finger and blew the smoke away as the seals faded. Stolas twitched and groaned in a heap on the ground.
Andrealphus preened and stepped forward.
"Yes, and I assume that I shall take care of my besotted brother-in-law's duties?"
"…No." Satan growled. He loomed forward and glared into Andrealphus' shocked eyes. "I don't know why you brought this shit to my attention, and I don't care. The matter is dealt with. And I am The Law down here. Not you. Not your bitch sister. And certainly not the Golden Angel."
Satan straightened up and looked at his son in all but name.
"Captain Naruto." Naruto stood at attention and held his gaze. "You have served me well these past five years. I grant you a taste of what you will never have by blood. For the duration of Stolas' punishment, you will uphold his duties and oversee his forces. I name you, Naruto, Antithesis of The Lamb. Accept your duties as the Hellhound Prince of Wrath."
The Goetia gasped, and the Sins gaped as Satan bestowed Stolas' power and titles onto the Hellhound. They knew what Satan meant as he said those words. He'd just claimed Naruto as his Heir and, basically, made him a regent of Prince Stolas' seat. The powers shouldn't have much of an adverse effect–
"Fuck!" Naruto cried out as an unnatural snap rang out. His head flung forward and he tore his vest off as an inverted pair of leathery wings sprouted from his back in gushes of blood. The golden and cream colored coat his son bore since his pup-hood darkened to red and brown. His eyes turned an unnatural yellow, then settled at an orange. Horns sprouted from the side of his head and his claws and fangs grew along with his body. When it was done, Satan smiled at his son, who stood as his equal in his freshly unlocked True Form.
"...Thank you, Sir." Naruto huffed as he rose from his prone position on the floor. He looked himself over and then down at his pants. His pants would have to be replaced, as they were now reduced to a glorified pair of Daisy Dukes. He looked back up at Satan. "You, uh, think you can help me–?"
"Figure it out." Satan ordered curtly. Naruto was a smart boy. Disciplined and gifted – extremely so, since he went up in smoke and reverted to his previous Hellhound form; then he looked up at Satan and smirked, before he let his stretched out pants fall. The Court got really excited after that.
"Hot damn!" Bee exclaimed.
"He's definitely Satan's son now if he wasn't before." Ozzie chuckled as a few members of the Court whistled. Belphegor hummed. Leviathan started bickering with herself. Mammon retched in disgust.
"Ugh, fuck, someone put some pants on that mutt! I don't want to have an eyeful of red rocket for the rest of this!"
"So, about that help?" Naruto crossed his arms, completely unashamed of his body. He smirked up at Satan. "Unless you want me to stand here naked all day."
"I'm okay with it!" Bee cut in and shot down to get in Satan's face. "I'm so okay with him staying like that! It will definitely convince me to not ask how or why you know this scrumptious snack!"
Damn, that was tempting.
"Don't you have a boyfriend?" Satan countered with an arched brow. Bee's grin held out.
"Yeah, but–come on! Look at that dick, Satan! And those abs, like, damn! Mm, I wanna lick stuff off of them, y'know?" Bee gushed, looking back at Naruto and biting her lip. Hm, well that was just unprofessional.
"...Bee, two things. One: Court is still in session." Satan glared at her and she went ramrod straight. He growled. "Second: that's my son."
"So? We're not related. I could hit it," she said and then her attention deficit disorder must have kicked in because she looked him up and down. Another costume party guesstimate perhaps? She played with her hair. "I mean, if that's cool with you?"
This was why she was still a colleague despite millennia of knowing each other.
"Go back to your fucking seat, Bee." Pouting, the Sin of Gluttony did as instructed and flew back up. Satan rubbed his face and then glared at his smirking son. "Alright, you've made your point."
Satan pointed at Naruto and manifested a pair of jeans into existence over his legs. A dismayed groan came out from the Court and Satan glared at the lot of them.
"He's my son, you sick fucks! I'm not staring at his dick any longer than I have to!" Satan snapped. Not how he wanted to announce his Heir to Hell, but hey, it could have been worse. Or so Yogirt whispered in his ear. He huffed and looked at the other half of his issue today, the still bound Imps and Hellhound – The latter of the four was staring at Naruto as he pulled his discarded vest back on and picked up his broken chain.
"Ah, puppy love." Yogirt chuckled, the Hybrid had been invisible since his near outburst halfway through the trial. Clearly, he noticed the longing gaze as well. "Now remember, the Imp may have been irritating, but he can't do anything to you. You need to be the bigger demon here, but he still needs to be punished. His business is disorderly and he wasted all of our time."
"Then he should pay." Satan muttered quietly. He smirked. "Blitzø Buckzo, you and your ilk are spared of Hell's Final Justice…but you are not spared of mine. I.M.P. Is no longer a private organization, it will be considered a sublet of the Enforcers of Veritable Infernal Laws, overseen by none other than Prince Naruto, so that he may get instructed precisely on how to fulfill his duties by Stolas."
"The fuck?! Why is he–?" Blitzø stared only to be jumped on by the short female Imp with white hair. Pixie or whatever.
"Furthermore, I.M.P. and those in its employee roster shall be fined a grand total of Three Million Souls for wasting the court's time with trivial nonsense." Satan sat on his throne and slammed his fist into the arm of it. The imps and Hellhound were unshackled and unchained, with Blitzø passing out in a dead faint, likely from his meager fine. "My decree is made, this court is adjourned."
A clamor broke out as the Goetia rushed to leave their podiums, likely to catch him and ask if he was serious. He was. Satan ignored the Sins as they filed out or lingered to do the same as the nobles beneath them, and watched his son stride over to the Hellhound associated with the foaming Blitzø Buckzo. He watched them talk for a moment before he cleared his throat.
"Naruto, join me for lunch." It was a simple order that he knew would be followed. He'd already started to walk away when the boy responded.
"Yeah, Sure thing...Dad."
Urk! This little shit–! Satan whipped around and glared at the golden Hellhound as he hopped over the gap to him, tail wagging wildly. He was taller, broader, older and more powerful than the first day they met, but that smile was still blinding bright. Annoyed as he was, Satan allowed his lips to pull up just slightly as he walked with his son to the exit.
He was never more grateful that he went to the Orphanage that day.
AN: ..I dunno, maybe a one shot?
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