Buck's ears were ringing. What happened? He had been in the engine and then… had it exploded? No… that wasn't possible. Why would it have exploded?

"You're new…" The words were garbled and weird, Buck thought it sounded like he was underwater, and the man looked down at him with furrowed brows. Buck barely registered that he had to look up at the guy- like a lot- before his eyes closed again.

When he opened his eyes again, Buck saw that the guy's holding a… remote? That's when it hit him like a- well a truck. The bombs. So the truck did explode. The suspect. The target? But who was-

"No, n-no, I don't want you." Who is he talking to? Buck lifted his head and turned it in time to watch as the man approached Chim. "I want Captain Nash." Buck's stomach dropped and he tried to move, he had to get Chim out of there. Maddie couldn't lose him. Pain flared, overtaking the cloudiness in Buck's brain, but didn't stop him from trying again. He was practically clawing at the ground, unsure if he was fighting to stay awake or if he was fighting to save Chimney, and then Bobby rushed in too. Buck froze, feeling like he was going to vomit. No… no not Bobby too….

Time seemed to move slowly and quickly at the same time. Before he knew it, Eddie was holding his hand tight, murmuring to him as the others tried to lift the engine off of him. Buck screamed despite the urge to keep it to himself- to show he was fine. He was fine. But he couldn't help it. The engine shifted, pain flared up his leg, and it tore out of his throat. Blood and tears mingled as they made their way down his face. He didn't know if his leg was throbbing or if he was imagining it because he knew what had happened to it. What it meant. All the things that could happen since it had been crushed by the truck.

They stopped and Buck was still sobbing, eyes closed tight. He wasn't sure how much he could take, he could hear the pain, the desperation in Eddie's voice as he said "Hang on, Buck", and Bobby said they needed more people. Buck heard the click of Chim's radio as he pressed the button, but then he didn't say anything.

Buck lifted his head and he felt like bawling as the bystanders rushed forward to help get the engine off of him.

It wasn't until later, when Buck was alone with Maddie in his hospital room, that he truly broke down and cried until he was gasping for breath. Ali had gone to get food and Carla had long since gone home. It had been just him and Maddie.

He couldn't not be a firefighter anymore… he just couldn't. It would kill him and he knew it. He was trying not to look down at his leg again. He had already gotten the diagnosis, the "we're hopeful but we can't guarantee" talk… he knew the possibility was real, and yet…

"D-d'you think I'll be good to go by the time Eddie graduates as a full-fledged firefighter?"

"Evan…" Maddie was exasperated, he could tell. But he couldn't bring himself to care. It wasn't even about just making sure that he was going to be there for Eddie. It was about making sure that he was able to be there in general. Able to function. Able to not be a burden on someone. He could tell that Ali was already rethinking things about their relationship…

"Maddie," Buck heard his voice waver and he hated it. "Please… I can't- I-I have to be able to be there…" Instead of answering, his sister had sat on the bed with him and held him. His head was on her chest as he did his best to keep from sobbing all over again.

He almost did again when the doctor looked at him, all serious, and said that there was a chance that he may never go back to being a firefighter and that he had to come to terms with that. She had been confident that she and her team could make him walk again, it was just a question of if it could handle his job.

Buck hadn't been sure which emotion was strongest in the moments that had followed. Fear, anger, devastation, or sadness… they were battling in his head and he wanted to scream. But instead, he just asked what the plan was. He could follow a plan, the steps to get him better. He had to. If he didn't and he couldn't go back to work…

~~~~~~

Buck followed the doctor's orders to the letter. As much as Buck's stubbornness would let him, anyway.

His training was going well and, as Maddie insisted, he never went alone to the gym even though he hates having to wait for Chim or Eddie to be available. Hated having to eat into their time with their family. They both insisted that they didn't care, that they liked working out with him like that.

Buck tried not to think about how they had to run out once the alarm sounded and he was left alone. That was his team. He should've been out there with them. Helping them, annoying them, having Eddie's back.

That was another thing Buck refused to think about. He didn't think about the way not having Eddie's back made his skin crawl. He didn't think about the fact that he didn't get to be there for Eddie on a tough call- didn't just know how Eddie needed him. Or maybe that was it. Maybe it was the fear that if he wasn't there, Eddie would realize that he didn't need him.

And then what? What would Buck be if they didn't need him?

So he pushed. He trained, went to his appointments when he should, was honest about what he felt, cleaned and rearranged his kitchen a dozen times, perfected his baked chicken, and lost his fucking mind.

He tried to act like everything was fine, like he didn't hate his life. Like he was hopeful about everything. He was bubbly, shared new facts, and cooked lunch at the firehouse. He helped Chris with his homework and teased Eddie for his cooking. He suspected that Eddie knew that he was faking it, maybe his laugh was too loud. Or his smile was too tight.

Regardless, Buck finally made it. He was certified and cleared. And he had even broken the record at the babydoll factory! He would be back to work by the end of that week! He was on top of the world and if he felt an ache in his leg… well, the doctors had cleared him.

~~~~~~

The party- his party, was in full swing. He hadn't been able to believe that they pulled it off for him. Well, he'd been mainly surprised that Chim had been able to keep his mouth shut about it, but still. He loved being with everyone again. He had hugged Eddie tight when he arrived, played with the kids, talked to Hen and Karen, and got his hand slapped away when he tried to help with the food.

He beamed the whole time, no doubt about it. Just talking to them about coming back had been enough to lift his spirits. "I can't wait to walk into that locker room and change my clothes again."

"What an odd thing to say." Hen laughed, shaking her head. Eddie rolled his eyes and took a drink of his beer as Chim made a face.

"No, the odd thing to say is that I can't wait either," Chim said, looking between their friends. Buck laughed, loud and bright. If he hadn't tipped his head back, he would've seen the warm, fond smile on Eddie's face at his smile.

The conversation continued for a while before Eddie walked away and returned with Christopher. The others walked away and Buck squatted to get to Chris's level as he handed him a handmade card.

"Wow… thanks, buddy." Buck smiled at him and looked down at the drawing, smile widening. "wow, this is great."

"It's you and me," Chris said, smiling back at Buck, and god if that didn't just make Buck's heart soar...

"Oh? And what's that?" He pointed to what he already knew was a surfboard.

"It's a surfboard, right?" Eddie supplied, bending over a little bit over Chris's shoulder. Buck laughed in surprise, beaming up at Christopher who was also all smiles. "He's obsessed, yeah."

Buck grinned and opened the card before reading out loud, "Dear Buck, you are an awesome firefighter. Love, Christopher." Buck looked back up at him and got a little choked up as he closed the letter. "Very sweet, Christopher… thank you." He said softly before Chris leaned forward into Buck and Buck had no choice but to hug him tight.

The party went off without a hitch. Everyone had a great time and Buck had felt amazing. His chest felt a little weird, but he thought maybe it was just leftover anxiety or maybe he was just overwhelmed by the love he felt from his family. He wasn't a therapist so he couldn't say, but that second one seemed more likely.

Sometime later, Buck was still making his rounds, thanking them all for coming, when he noticed Chim and Maddie laughing together off to the side. He made his way over to them and frowned softly, tilting his head. "Two cakes?"

"Yeah," Maddie started, smiling up at him. "well, we weren't sure how today was going to go so you know…"

"So we had another one on standby in case you crashed and burned that said 'Better Buck Next Time'. You know, just in case." Buck watched as Maddie fed Chim a bite of cake. There was a voice in the back of his head (that sounded suspiciously like his mother) that was smug as it told him that they were right to doubt if he could make it. That he was a screw-up in everything else, why not that?

But he decided not to focus on that and instead made a face and said, "Wow, you guys just gonna get married already?"

"Oh, don't forget to invite us." Michael added as he walked past with his own 'Better Buck Next Time' cake piece. Buck suspected that he was still a little hurt about Bobby and Athena's elopement. Maddie and Chim laughed and Buck laughed along with them, drowning out his mother's voice.

Buck made his way over to Bobby, that anxious feeling rising in his chest again. They talked while Bobby manned the grill. "They're sending me the paperwork in the morning," Bobby's face was glowing with pride as he looked at Buck. "And you will officially be back. How's that feel?"

Honestly, Buck felt like he was going to cry all over again but he just nodded nonchalantly. "Oh, I'm just glad it's over." He chuckled and rubbed his chest. Why is he still feeling anxious? "You know, I hated not being with you guys."

"Yeah, we missed you too." Buck could see that telltale sign of concern in Bobby's eyebrows. It was the look that Buck got when he was doing something that Bobby didn't necessarily approve of but didn't need to correct. Like putting pickles on his PB . "It'll be nice to have the whole team back together."

"Thanks, Cap. A-and I don't just mean for-for the party and the cakes. Uhm…" He took a deep breath, feeling like maybe he couldn't catch a full breath, and continued more seriously. "Thank you for being there, you know, for the-the surgeries and the rehabs. I uh…" Burden. "I know I wasn't always the easiest person to be around…"

Bobby was shaking his head before Buck even finished talking. "Oh my god- no, you were not that bad." Bobby smiled warmly as he touched Buck's shoulder in that comforting way.

"You should uh," Buck was laughing too except there was a… weird feeling in his chest again and he started to cough. Bobby waited patiently for Buck to continue. "tell that to my-" more coughs. He just needed to catch his breath and he'd be fine. Bobby looked more concerned. "Ex-girlfriend- sorry." Jesus, don't Buck it up, Buck.

"Hey, she just wasn't the right fit. You'll find someone new." Bobby said as if he couldn't let Buck go on thinking like that. But Buck was still coughing and Bobby couldn't take his eyes off of him. The others started to notice too. The coughing sounded more wet, like he was coughing up water. Which was odd because he hadn't been choking on any water…

"S-sorry I uh-" More coughing and Buck was starting to panic. It was starting to feel like he had to cough, like if he didn't keep coughing something bad would happen. The feeling in his chest intensified.

"You okay?" Bobby asked and everyone started to move closer to Buck as Buck began to stumble backward.

"Y-yeah I uh-" Buck coughed harder and paused. He looked at his hand and his eyes widened with panic. He looked up at Bobby again as he started choking. His hands flailed out to grab onto something but no one was fast enough to catch him as he fell onto the ground.

"Buck!" He heard someone call out. Then chaos erupted around him as the 118 rushed to his side to help him and someone shouted to call 9-1-1.

"Breathe, Buck! Stay with us!" Hen said, getting him on his side as he started to puke blood. Somewhere beside him, he heard Chris's voice.

"Daddy? What's wrong with Buck?" There was a sharp inhale that followed and Buck noticed that his hand wasn't being held anymore. He heard Eddie talk to Chris and Michael led the kids back into the house.

Then everything went dark.