Severus Snape hated Christmas.
It wasn't because he was a Potions Master who spent his days in a dungeon towering over boiling cauldrons, and it wasn't because he hated children. He did hate children, but that was beside the point. Severus Snape had once been a child, and his Christmases were far from merry, and that was the real reason he hated the season.
Every Christmas, his father found a reason to pick a fight with his thin little woman of a mother. He would pour salt in all her wounds (ones he knew too well), after which she would lash out at him and he would play victim-storming out of the house the local Cokeworth bar. He'd drink himself silly for days and his mother would cry in her room- curled up on the bed like a very small cloth-covered and shuddering kitten. She then would make amends with him on Christmas Eve and bring him home. By then, it was too late to buy gifts or set up a tree or even prepare a roast. His mother would be thankful the whole family was together and preach about family values, while his father would talk about how 'she always ruins Christmas for them' and how she should be 'thankful they're still married.'
Severus should have been thankful he had a mother and a father under one roof, and that was the biggest gift of all.
He would have traded it all for a roast and lit up tree and a couple of presents with his mother on a snowy evening. In fact, he would have traded it all to see his mother gain a pair of rosy cheeks and a bright smile on her face.
These winters, Severus found himself taking long walks in the snow-covered village of Hogsmeade past curfew and looking at all the shop displays.
Severus had a secret. Every year, he would buy himself a gift. A silly, childish gift. He'd wrap it up and put a ribbon and bow on top and address it to himself. He'd hide it under his pillow and open it on Christmas morning. It was like it would somehow make up for those long-lost Christmases of his childhood.
One year, the gift was a small plush teddy bear, like one he'd asked for from Santa on his fifth birthday. Another year, it was a chocolate frog with a hidden wizard card within.
He never revealed his secret to anyone. He had long, greasy black hair and a voice that sent fear to one's toes. He deducted House Points like it was his life's mission and offered no extensions for late parchments. He assigned homework every week, even during Quidditch finals and expected perfect results. A man like that could not be seen purchasing a children's toy and gift wrapping it.
Severus' first stop was Flourish and Blotts, where he found the brightest red and green paper with holly sprinkled all over. He then found gold ribbons and a gift tag. He hid the purchases in the bottom of his cauldron and walked around the corner to a small stall that sold specialty Christmas gifts and opened only around the holidays.
The stall didn't have a name, but the owner was a short wizard by the name of Jolly McHolly. He was a short wizard who wore fur-trimmed clothing and pointy shoes. He was all pointy too, from his long nose to his shrill and cutting voice. If he was a little shorter, he could be mistaken for a House Elf. Or even... a real elf.
He came by every December and sold all sorts of holiday specialty items from his Christmas stall. He had stockings and jumpers, reindeer with lit-up noses and plushy snowmen. He had eggnog and Glogg and hot cocoa and multicolored marshmallows and turkey flavored lollies.
This year, Severus was going to buy himself an extra special gift: a snowglobe with a tiny knob at the bottom. It would play a Christmas Carol when wound up, and the snow would swim all around the calm holiday village within.
Seveus had already spotted the precise snowgobe during his last trip to Hogsmeade with his students. Once he saw the snowglobe, he imagined himself in the heart of that serene Christmas village: drinking a giant cup of hot cocoa by the fireside with his mother by his side. Now in the forgiving light of the moon he would make his stealthy purchase and carry it away to the castle with no witnesses.
There lay the snowglobe now-glistening and glossy. Severus stepped forth, reached out his fingers and met with the warm and wanting hand of...
Miss Granger.
She was the only witch who had read the entire Hogwarts library in her time being there. She was also the only witch he had seen grow so large and curvy she could crush a shelf by leaning on it.
Yes, the tiny Miss Granger of his Hogwarts teaching days had become a witch in full bloom and Severus had to admit, the weight looked well on her. But that was of no concern now...
After all these years, his former student was going to purchase his Christmas present. The one he had been eyeing and intended to purchase. That made her the least attractive witch on Earth.
Miss Granger stood very still, as though her hand were bound to his by some dark spell, and suddenly jerked her it aside and gestured for him to move forward. "P-Professor, I didn't realize-" she said. "Please." Her bushy hair was sticking out from under her hat and her large buck teeth rattled while she spoke. "You should be the one to have this."
"Miss Granger," Severus said, beckoning his own hand to the snow globe. "I insist you do the honor..."
"Oh I couldn't," she said, her rosy cheeks reddening. "After all, it is Christmas Eve. And your eyes lit up so brightly when you reached for it."
A shiver whipped Severus' back. He straightened, adjusting the collar of his winter robes. "You assume I am interested in this s-silly item meant for children."
Before Hermione Granger could respond affirmatively, Mr McHolly appeared from behind the stand. His usually calm face was plagued by an unspoken plight and he was shaking from head to toe.
"Bad news. Bad, bad news," he said, shutting his face with his hands, but peering from between opened fingers. "Oh, but don't concern yourself with it it..."
Severus and Granger exchanged a look. And then, Mr McHolly began to cry and Miss Granger rushed over and wrapped her thick arm around him, tut-tutting and hushing him.
"Oh dear! Oh please don't cry! What happened? Maybe we can help."
Severus all but rolled his eyes. "Miss Granger has a penchant for those in need. I will take this small purchase as a sign of my solidarity for local business and be off," he said, putting the money in Mr. McHolly's hands and reaching for the snowglobe.
Mr Mcholly wailed, grabbing the snowglobe and holding it close to his chest like an infant. "Santa is gone! Christmas is ruined!"
Now, Severus did roll his eyes. Why would wizard children wait for Santa in a time of magic? Besides, Santa Claus, the jolly fat man in the red suit, did not exist. He told McHolly just as much.
"Oh, but he does!" McHolly said. "And he's sick with the deer-flu. It's the first time in 800 years! Whatever will the children think!"
"I'll think of something," Miss Granger said. "I've read about Saint Nicholas once in Tales and Heroes of the Holiday Season. He must have a replacement."
"That's just the problem! There is none!" McHolly wailed. "For 800 years Santa has not missed a single Christmas until now. Where can I find a jolly Santa and a punctual Head Elf in time for the Holidays?!"
Miss Granger looked at Severus so pitifully. "Professor Snape. You are so organized."
Severus was very organized. And he could not pass up the chance to lead such an important organization. And Mr McHolly, he looked like the kind of wizard who could be trusted. But there was one issue.
"I don't wear red," Severus stated.
"You won't have to," Granger said confidently. "I will wear the suit."
Here, Severus snorted. "You will be Saint Nicholas?" But Granger was not laughing.
"Because I am the bigger of the two of us and I look more jolly," Granger said with a buck-toothed grin. What a matter-of-fact declaration!
As long as the beard hides those teeth, Severus thought with a shiver. The thought of seeing Miss Granger is an oversized velvet suit was quite laughable. He would go along with the ruse.
McHolly snapped his fingers, and the entire cart transfigured into a Santa Sleigh. Then with another snap, Severus was dressed in a green tunic with striped stockings and holding a very long scroll and feather pen. There were many, many names of Muggle and wizard children on the page and each had a smiling face or a piece of coal beside it.
As for Miss Granger, she was soon donning a red velvet suit that did not at all look laughable. With the robes gone, the red velvet pants hugged her hips quite nicely and the jacket and belt showcased a good waist and rack on jingle bells.
Severus' heart leapt up into his throat when he was shoved into the sleigh and pressed against Miss Granger's fluffy and fur-lined arm.
"Thank you! Thank you!" Mr McHolly cried. "The sleigh will take you where you must go and the presents will descend down the chimney themselves. As long as you follow the list and stay on the route, you should be done by sunrise in due time!"
Suddenly, a wet red nose stuck itself into Severus' side.
"Reindeer! I've read all about it in-" Miss Granger began, but the wind hid her excited retellings.
That's right, Santa's infamous reindeer were here too and they didn't look too happy about change of management. One of them nipped Granger in the thigh and another one shook the sleigh where Severus sat. It leaned in to bite him and was met with Severus' sneer and pointed wand.
"Attempt that and I will personally send you to Your Maker," Severus said lowly. The reindeer swallowed and backed off. The threat of magic certainly frightened the magical beast.
"How to get them to fly. There's got to be a spell... Oh! Basher! On Dancer! On Prancer! Vixen! Cornet! Cupid!" Granger cried, orchestrating the animals. "And Donner and... Glitzy and Randolph! Dash away all!"
And the reindeer too exchanged a look. Such indignation had not been heard in hundreds of years. And yet, it was Christmas and time to get a move on it. They kicked up their heels and moved the sleigh through the snow. Mr McHolly waved as the sleigh left Hogsmeade and soared up into the sky! "Good luck!" he cried. "Don't forget about the-" Well that last part was lost in the howling winter wind.
The sleigh flew through the night. Suddenly, a tray popped up before the two and two steaming cups of boozy hot cocoa filled up and slid towards them. Nothing like a nightcap to get them through an overnight shift. Severus and Granger downed the cups, only to find them full once more.
"Now I remember. Reindeer. Read about them in Solstice Legends and Myths!" Granger whispered, jumping in her seat. "This is all so exciting."
That infectious smile and giggle made Severus momentarily forget her ugly large teeth and bushy hair. Her figure bounced so nicely in that snug, velvet suit too. He smirked. "Indeed, Miss Granger. Or perhaps you'd prefer...Santa Granger?"
Granger's brows played a wicked tune. "Santa Granger?! I don't think I could get used to that." She downed her cup once more. "Or maybe I can, Head Elf. Where is the first stop?"
"Australia."
Indeed. In a flash of boozy cocoa and ocean spray they found themselves in the Down Under. They came to their very first house. As say the books, Santa Granger got onto the roof of the house and no sooner did she do it, than did presents materialize and lift off the sleigh and swirl in through the windows of the house.
Granger frowned. "That was too easy," she mumbled.
Her Head Elf schooled his face into a teasing grin. "All the best magic is. Surely, Saint Nicholas could not drink his cocoa and focus on the list at hand."
At present, the name of the first child on the list was magically crossed out. Elementary Watson.
It was an easy scheme, and that did not suit the curvy witch the least bit.
"If the sleigh and reindeer do everything themselves, then what are we supposed to do?" she cried.
Here, Severus cocked his brow. "Indulge in the beverages and do absolutely nothing at all."
Granger scowled even more. "But I want to do something!"
"Then, do me," said some very drunk and inebriated part of Severus. Err, or something of the sort.
Santa Granger grew as flushed as her suit. "You don't even like me. I bet you were thinking about my ugly teeth and my fat stomach and bushy hair all this time."
"Quite the contrary," said he, "I find you very palatable. Moreso."
And when she laughed so sweetly, his cock grew hard, he also added, "I'm fond of a witch of large measure."
"You'll have to prove that," she teased.
Well and the Potions Master did. Oh he did. He leaned over as the sleigh took flight and kissed her from Singapore to Nunavut. When they flew over the African continent, he fondled her large and luscious hips, and on their way over South America, he took a nice large bite of her taco. Indeed, it was such a big bite that even Rudolph, who looked over his shoulder for a split second, almost lost direction and bumped into a flying airplane.
They had a swell time on Santa's sleigh and were in and out of their respective suits multiple times. When they had finally landed back in Hogsmeade, both were sweaty and very, very satisfied with themselves.
"Oh you're back!" cried Mr McHolly, "I knew I could count on the two of you! You'll be pleased to know Saint Nicky is on the path to recovery and is deeply grateful for your efforts."
They were both all too happy to help out. McHolly sensed it was his time to leave, so he sent them back home with a pat on the back and a hip-hip hurrah!
They stumbled into the Three Broomsticks where they took a room above the pub and crashed into bed. The following afternoon, they woke up to see there were two packages beside the tiny tree on their chest of drawers.
Whatever could it be? They thought in unison. In one box, they found the precious little snowglobe. Severus almost smiled when he lifted it out of the box and gave it a little shake.
The second gift was a box of rubbers in shiny foil with the sign Stay Safe on Christmas.
Here, Granger gave a little giggle. "It would be a shame not to make use of this magical present," she insisted.
And Severus, setting the snowglobe aside, was all too happy to oblige. Perhaps this was the best gift yet.