The last thing Jack wanted to do was speak to the other Quarian admirals - not because he wasn't interested, but because he knew they'd see right through him.
"You," Admiral Koris said after some arguments with Tali, "Come out from behind your commander, please."
Shepard looked at Jack, and so Jack shuffled into the Admiral Koris' view.
"Not what I'd expected from a Cerberus operative," he said. "Deeply unprofessional."
"I don't like Cerberus," Jack said stiffly.
"What do you think, human?" Koris asked.
"I don't see how that's relevant, admiral," Tali said.
"I'm simply curious," Koris said. He looked to Shepard. "I know what both of you think of the Geth, certainly." He looked to Jack. "But what about you?"
Jack shifted uncomfortably. The other admiral was a military man - simpler to deal with. The intelligence pratically glowing from behind Koris' mask set Jack on his back foot.
"I think the Morning War was bad." he said weakly.
"Bad," Koris said back. "I see."
"I think the Geth..." Jack glanced between Tali and the admiral, then continued, "... they seem more intelligent than other AIs. The fact that they haven't attacked the Migrant Fleet is weird, especially if they were supposedly hellbent on the destruction of Quarians."
Koris peered at him, then said, "Anything else?"
"I didn't like killing them on Haestrom," Jack offered.
"I see." Admiral Koris said. "I admit I'm surprised by your answer, human."
"His name is James," Tali said.
Jack's head snapped over to her.
"James," Koris said, folding his hands behind his back.
Jack wanted to correct him, but couldn't quite bring himself to.
"Well, Tali'Zorah, I suppose you ought to be going," Koris said. "I wish you the best on retaking the Alarei. Hopefully something good may come of this. Be well."
"I'm surprised to hear you say that," Tali all but crossed her arms.
"I don't hate you, Tali," Koris said. "But you and your father's hatred of the Geth will lead us to nothing but war."
"War doesn't determine who is right," Jack found himself saying. "Only who is left."
Koris peered at him again. "Yes, I suppose it does."
"That's not my quote," Jack said.
"Bertrand Russel, I believe," Koris said. "A member of my team has an affinity for human writers. I can at least grant that some of them are insightful, human." He turned to Shepard. "Best of luck to you as well, Commander," he turned back to Jack. "And you, James."
"I... thank you, admiral," Tali said, before sharing a glance with Shepard. Jack followed the two of them as they left, then made their way to the other Quarian admiral that was judging Tali. Again, Jack couldn't help himself, and his eyes lingered on her hips. Stupid, stupid.
"Shepard, this is Admiral Daro'Xen vas Moreh." Tali said.
"Tali," Daro'Xen said. "I believe we haven't met."
"We did," Tali said. "When I was welcomed home after defeating Saren."
"Then I apologize for not remembering," Daro'Xen said smoothly. "These politics have been tense as of late."
"They have," Tali agreed.
"If you find anything on the Alarei, I urge you to bring it back," Daro'Xen told her. "Your father's work may be of importance."
"That is kind of you to say, Admiral," Tali said.
"I mean it wholeheartedly," Daro'Xen said. "You and your father may yet provide us the tools to bring the Geth back to their rightful masters."
"Masters?" Shepard asked.
"Indeed," Daro'Xen said. "Masters. Or owners, if you prefer. Geth are nothing but machines. The most complex machinesour people have ever made. It can still be of tremendous value to us, supposing we aren't driven into a pointless war."
"Pointless?" Tali asked. "The Geth drove us from our Homeworld!"
"As of right now, unfortunately," Daro'Xen said. "All war with the Geth would bring us is hardship. But, depending on what you find on the Alarei - things may change for the better."
"The Geth are still sentient," Shepard said.
"The Geth are Quarian property," Daro'Xen said. "Organic consciousness is far more than an ability to compute. It requires tissue, electrical signals, chemicals that produce emotions - the Geth have none of that. They are merely software."
"I think we disagree on this issue, Admiral," Shepard said. "But I can appreciate your perspective."
"An even-handed human," Daro'Xen said. "A rare enough thing. And what about you, other human? I know you're hiding there."
Jack reluctantly came out from behind Shepard, and he was scratching the back of his neck before he could stop himself. "I... Admiral Koris already asked my opinion on this."
"I'm not surprised," Daro'Xen said. "I admit I am curious too. That Tali is working with you at all, considering you held her at gunpoint, surprises me."
"I-"
"So what do you think?" Daro'Xen asked.
Raven Rock. A supercomputer convinced that all mutants had to be wiped out, a supercomputer he couldn't convince otherwise.
"I... well, you're right," Jack said. "The human - err, Quarian - brain is more than just a capacity to think, y'know? It's also in, well, what you said. Chemicals and nuerons."
Daro'Xen leaned back, crossed her arms. "I see." She turned to Tali. "Unless there is anything else, Tali'Zorah, I wish you luck."
"Thank you, admiral." Tali said.
"My pleasure," Daro'Xen said. "Now, there is no time to waste."
Admiral Gerrel was far more welcoming. He all but offered a hug. Jack was glad to see it, and thankfully, all the admiral asked for was the schematics for the nuka-grenade, which he passed on gladly.
"Thank you," Gerrel said. "Now you best get going. Good luck in there, Tali."
"I'll find my father, Admiral," Tali said.
All Admiral Gerrel did was nod.
The fighting was awful.
Geth upon Geth upon Geth. Jack drove as many railway spikes through the things as he could, but they just kept coming. Like the mercs on Pargia, the Geth knew how to fight defensively, and in full control of the ship, they made everything far more work than it should have been. They locked doors, blew up capacitors, even had units crawl through vents to drop down on top of them.
Jack fought as hard as he could, but something wasn't right. His heart wasn't in it, not like it should have been. He was slow on the draw enough times that as Tali broke through the firewall on another door the Geth had closed in their faces, Shepard took him aside.
"What's going on?" she demanded. "You're off. You'd be dead if I haven't kept on saving you."
Jack's fingers thrummed nervously against the grip of his new pistol. He couldn't put it into words. Every time he put a spike through a Geth's dumb flashlight head, he thought of Eden. The grandfatherly voice that explained to him why he should commit genocide on the whole of the Capital Wasteland, the argument they had, around and around for what felt like hours. He would shake off the memory, then kill another geth, and Eden would be in his mind's eye calling him James, reminding him of his heritage.
"I don't know what's wrong," Jack said.
"You better fix it," Shepard said. "Otherwise you'll be dead, and us probably along with you."
The door slid open, and Jack watched as Tali summoned another drone. Then he looked back at Shepard.
"Yes ma'am."
Unfortunately, Jack still didn't find his groove. Nor did they find any survivors, up to and inlcuding, well. Fuck.
"No," Tali said. She crouched down by her father's corpse. "You promised me that you'd build me a house on the homeworld."
Jack stood stock still. He let Shepard pull Tali away from the body, his ears ringing slightly from the last grenade he'd thrown. One of his last that he'd made out of electron charge packs, which seared through a good chunk of a Geth Prime's side. He felt melancholy as it did, and now guilt. A lost grenade, boo-hoo. Look at what was happening to Tali, he chastised himself. Idiot.
Jack turned away when Shepard hugged Tali. He wanted to do that, but he knew he wasn't there yet. Never would be.
So, he left the two alone and picked through the remains of the last of the Geth, looking for useful scrap. There were some power cells that looked interesting, and he found a Geth shotgun. It was heavy, heavier than he'd like, but... he unshouldered his Railway Rifle and compared it to the Geth shotgun. It was too heavy for him right now, but maybe with some parts stripped off, replaced with lighter materials... he laid the Railway Rifle on the floor, unhooked its strap, and spent several minutes getting it to work on the Geth shotgun. In the end, he succeeded just in time to turn around and find Shepard and Tali walking back into the room.
Shepard's command was wordless. Jack followed behind them, giving the pair space, feeling very apart from everything.
A week later, Jack was sitting on his couch in the common room, flexing his fingers. He hadn't spoken to Tali since they got back to the Normandy. He had wanted to tell her it would be alright, he wanted to tell her about his own grief for never returning to Vault 101, and yes, cheesy as it was, he did want to hold her. But he realized in the shuttle that those things probably wouldn't help, nor would Tali ever ask for them, so he sat there silently after telling her he was sorry for her loss. A younger, less intelligent version of him - the him that had stumbled out of Vault 101 a million years ago - would have gone chasing after her. But he had learned since then, not to trust his gut like that.
Tali had been silent on the shuttle ride back to the Normandy. She had every right to be: she was an exile from her own home, never to return. There were other Quarian communities in the Galaxy that she could live in, but never again would she be allowed to live in the Flotilla. When the decision was handed down, Jack wanted to take the Geth shotgun and gun down everyone (although perhaps not Daro'Xen, because he was an asshole, Jack reflected), because Tali had done nothing wrong and here they were, chucking her out like last week's garbage.
But that was life. His sympathy had faded faster than he would have liked, but without Tali there, it was hard to keep up. It shouldn't've been, but it was. Jack knew he could still be here for Tali, though, and so he came into the common room each night.
His head snapped over to her the moment he heard her footsteps. Tali stood as tall as she ever had, on the surface she was doing fine, but her mask probably did most of the hiding. Jack had certainly relied on his, hadn't he? Jack stayed quiet as Tali slowly went over to her ottoman and sat down.
She said nothing. Jack opened his mouth, closed it, then said, "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."
He could feel Tali's glower as she said, "You don't need to apologize."
"Okay," Jack said. "But still. It's awful, all of this."
"Nothing compared to what you've been through, right?" Tali asked with some venom.
"I..."
"Say it." Tali snapped.
"I guess," Jack said, scratching the back of his neck. "Well - I - how I feel isn't what's really important here. This is about you, not me."
"But you do think you've been through worse?" Tali asked. "Look at how pampered I am, Rael's daughter, given every advantage, and yet she still threw it away."
"Hey," Jack said.
"You think you're better than me, don't you?" Tali jabbed her finger at him.
"I'm probably better at surviving," Jack said carefully, "But I'm not better."
"You keep saying that," Tali said. "But never explain."
Jack looked at her, then sighed. He wasn't able to look her in the eye as he said, "I eat - ate people."
Tali blinked. "What?"
"Someone kidnapped me," Jack said, quieter, as he hung his head. "Along with other people. He thought it would be funny to make me eat one of them. So, he pointed a gun at me, then..." Jack swallowed. "... after that, something... I only ever ate bad people. And only when I needed to."
He could feel her staring at him. The most honest he'd ever been with her, and he was still lying to her face. He was fucking awful.
"You said things were bad," Tali said. "But not - that."
Jack cracked a small, broken smile. "I came out fine."
Tali reached out, then pulled her hand back. "I'm sorry."
"Thanks," Jack said quietly. "But this isn't about me."
They lapsed into silence. Jack picked at his couch, while Tali tapped her foot against the floor.
"Thank you," Tali eventually said.
Jack sniffled. "You're welcome."
Tali got up. "I mean it." She snapped her fingers. "Hey, look at me."
Jack did, just about. His hands were shaking.
"You - you like vids, right?" Tali asked awkwardly.
Jack's smile was hesitant and watery. "Yes."
"I... there's one... well, only if you want." She shifted from foot to foot as Jack just barely raised his head to meet her eyes.
Jack blinked at her. "Maybe, um, maybe sometime."
"Good," Tali said. "Well, I should, uhm, it's getting late."
Jack nodded. "Yeah."
Jack watched as Tali left, and simply sat there for a long time.