I

[1992]

Visions Of Gideon

Tw mentions/descriptions of verbal and physical abuse.

It started in a bathroom when I was only five, it was the third love of my mom's life that week, he was better than the rest of the men she had brought around the house at the start of the week, he wasn't much of a loud man, and he rarely got upset, I was looking for my mom and stumbled into the bathroom seeing him shave his beard. I was enamored.

"Hey mister, can you show me how to do that?" He glanced away from the mirror, placing his razor on the counter and squatted down lifting me onto the counter. "Sure kid, sit still." I watched him lean down to the cabinets and pull out another razor that he removed the blades from before handing it to me.

I smiled widely at the small object, my mother had never even let me almost touch a razor, which was fair, I was way too small at the time, he sprayed shaving cream on his hands and patted it on my face making a little beard, which made me giggle when I looked in the mirror.

"I can't wait until my beard starts growing." I remember saying it with the widest smile my little face could muster, he only smiled at me before turning me towards the mirror, keeping an arm behind me just in case I lost my balance.

"Alright soldier! Razor up." he said making his voice sound funny as he started to explain how you're supposed to shave, and even though I didn't have anything to shave, I can still remember the feeling in my chest, how the constant tightness seemed to loosen for just a minute, and for that minute, I was just a boy, learning how to shave.

"What the fuck Mike?" I dropped my razor in the sink when I heard my mom's shrill voice echo throughout the bathroom, turning to her with the smile still on my face I scooted over slightly making sure I didn't fall. "Mommy look, I learned how to shave already!" The frown on Renee's face only deepened as she snatched me off the counter.

"Mike, you can't go around doing shit like that, she thinks she's a boy, but I've been showing her how to be a normal little girl." I watched him frown as he placed his razor down.

"We were only having fun Renee, and plus, that was a shit thing to say, or did you forget my brother is trans, you've got a good kid, don't fuck it up, because you already fucked this up." That was the last time I ever saw him, I didn't even know his name, but my mom blamed me for him leaving, that night she locked me in my room, and told me she wouldn't let me out until I wrote one hundred whole words on why I love being a girl.

[1997]

It came around again when I was ten, my mom cared about me a lot less, but she still refused to buy me the kind of toys that I liked, she would get angry and slap me when she found me in the boy section of any clothes store, she wouldn't feed me when I wanted 'boy' toys, but it was all nothing compared to when I finally found out the word for who I am.

Years of searching up the words I heard in a bathroom from a man I barely knew when I was five always turned up nothing, my search history was filled with failed attempts at spelling the word trains, trens, trins, until one day, it autocorrected, and there it was, trans. The more words I read the more I nodded my head, every passage I read explained the things I felt, every test I took gave me the same results as the last.

That day I had been so excited I never cleared my search history, so when I came home from school the next day, and my mom was standing at the end of the steps with her hands on her hips, and her usual scowl on her face, I was truly confused by what was going on.

"What did I tell you about being a normal little girl, Isabella." I shrugged my shoulders, my hair fell in my face as I turned away from her, even though I could hear the click of her heels as she walked closer to me, her hand gripping my chin tightly. "You are not a boy; do you understand me? You are my perfect pretty and NORMAL little girl Isabella." She shoved me back as she let go of my chin, she was standing over me as I fell onto the floor, her eyes were dark as she looked down at me.

"But now that I'm seeing simply talking to you won't help, I'm going to try other methods." Her leg shot out fast as she kicked me in the stomach, I curled in on myself immediately gasping for air as she forced me to stand up by gripping my hair.

"we're going to wash you clean of those sins, Isabella, do you understand? We're going to make you a normal girl." She dragged me off to the guest bathroom and turned on the water, I watched with bated breath as the tub filled before she turned the water off.

"Are you going to save me the trouble and admit it? Admit you're just a confused little girl? I own your body Isabella, I'm your mother, I will control every aspect of you, I won't let you do those things those others did, maybe they're boys, but you're my little girl." The words were worse than the kicks to my stomach, they sliced through me like a hot knife through plastic, I squeezed my eyes shut willing myself not to cry as she waited for me to speak.

"I guess I've got my answer huh?" That was the last thing she said before she shoved my head into the tub holding me under as my arms flailed trying to grip onto anything that could pull me out of the water.

She pulled me up slapping me across the face, she was practically panting with every breath she took, I could see how angry she was with how red her face was becoming.

"Are you going to say it now?" I shook my head as much as I could in her hold hoping she'd just give up and let go, I refused to say those words, refused to be a liar.

She shrugged and shoved my head under the water again, this time I could tell she did it for longer, I was struggling to breath, I could feel my lungs constricting, begging for air, my vision was slowly seeping with black dots as my eyes started to shut, she pulled me out.

And that day, well into the night, I was forced to the edges of death, and pulled back down to the world, until my lungs burned, my eyes were red and puffy from the tears I had cried, my throat was dry from the screams, the begging.

So that night when I lay in bed, I swore to myself that I would do what she had told me to, I would be her perfect, normal, little girl. Not because it's who I was, or am, but because i feared if I were to ever express myself again, that time would be the last.

[Present]

Now here I am, living with Charlie was the best thing for me, even though he's made it very clear through passing insults that he supports no part of the community, he would never put his hands on me.

Moving has always been scary for me, I never know what kind of people I'm going to be forced to live around, but I can admit, Forks has been good to me so far, I have friends, they don't know much about me, but they still invite me out, and hang out with me even if I'm not always the most entertaining person.

"Hey Isabella-" I bristled at the name as I glanced up at Charlie waiting for him to continue.

"Sorry Bella, getting used to calling you by a nickname." He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly before he shook himself out, obviously remembering he had called my name so he could tell me about something.

"So, I know you've got your boyfriend or whatever, I'm going out with Harry and the guys, you don't mind staying over there for the weekend, do ya? We're going to do a whole overnight thing." Boyfriend was a word, I never thought I'd be hearing when it comes to my own preferences, but after just a month of staying with Charlie he started to get suspicious of the fact that I was always focused on the girls in my life and had never once even mentioned a guy around him. So, I swallowed what little pride I have and started dating Edward Cullen, almost every girl in the school wanted or currently wants him, which is what he told me himself the day we met, so when he started relentlessly pressuring me for a date, I was constantly blowing him off.

Until one night when he came down to the house, and asked Charlie if he had his 'blessing' to take me out on a date, which for some, stupid fucking misogynistic reason he said yes to, I ended up getting myself a beard, that I am now stuck with, because well, fucking vampires.

"Uh yeah Charlie I'm sure they wouldn't mind-" I held up my hand grabbing my buzzing phone out of my back pocket and answered it without even checking the caller id.

"Hey Alice."

"Oh Bella, you know me so well, I'll be over in fifteen to pick you up, be dressed, make it sexy, I want to see fashion, cunt even." I held back a laugh at her words, recently she had been trying to get used to saying the most popular words floating around the high school, and cunt seems to be her favorite one.

"Aye aye cap'n I'll be ready."

"You know I love when you talk to me like that." This time I actually did laugh right as she hung up and I turned my phone's ringing on as I stood from the stool I had been sitting on. "That was Alice, she was already planning on coming to get me so I'm going to go get ready, have a good time, Charlie." With that I rushed upstairs to change clothes, I was always a bit nervous hanging out in the Cullens home, not because I was scared, no way, but because something I could tell Jasper could sense the way I reacted to certain things, especially when it came to Edward, and I never know if Edward can hear what Jasper knows I'm feeling, and if he ever did, what would happen?

With the many things I've learned in my lifetime, which truly is quite the many things, one of the main ones, has been regret, and I truly regret, my decision to stay over with the Cullens that night, it set off a long, harrowing, and unbelievable chain of events, that probably wouldn't have been as bad, if they had just listened to me, but they hadn't, but I'm getting way to ahead of myself, let's begin with Friday, the night I arrived.

I know most of you have been expecting for creep, but I'm kind of burnt out on it and need a chance to figure out a real plot for it, so in the meantime i'll be writing this story, it has to do with a few (not everything in the story is my own) of my experiences, so don't be too harsh on the realism front, I hope those of you who are Trans can gain something from this story, whether it be clarity, peace of mind, or just a new outlook, please feel free to leave comments, the more comments I get, the more I want to update, so without further ado, i'll be heading out.

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