This story contains suicidal thoughts, (future) attempted suicide, and child abuse.
These chapters are longer than my previous ones, so I am going to update less often.
My bexy update should be tmr at the latest on Manipulations and Minerva.
Harry Potter doesn't belong to me.
A young girl by the name of Hermione Granger was sitting licking her popsicle in a park, a book propped up on her lap.
"Hello!" A boy walked up to Hermine. He was tiny with messy black hair and vibrant green eyes. "What are you reading?"
Hermione smiled. "I am Hermione Granger, it's nice to meet you," the brunette started, "My book is called Alice in Wonderland," Hermione wanted to be friends with this boy, she didn't have any and she had a feeling the little boy didn't either.
"I have read that," he said, "I love reading but Aunt Petunia doesn't let me read, so I did it during lunch at school."
"Oh, I'm sorry, that sounds awful!" Hermione couldn't believe not being able to read, the young girl thrived on books and knowledge, "I am six, how old are you?" she asked.
"I am in year one, but I don't know how old I am," The boy said.
"Well when is your birthday?" She asked.
The boy shrugged. "I am not sure, freaks don't get birthdays. Dudley has a birthday though," he said as an afterthought.
"Is Dudley your brother?" Hermione asked, she didn't know why the boy was calling himself a freak, he seemed perfectly normal to her, but maybe they had different definitions of the word.
"No, he's my cousin," the boy looked around before adding quietly, "he is really stupid though."
Hermione giggled. "What's your name?"
"Which one?" The boy asked.
Hermione was slightly confused, she only had one name. "What do you mean, what is your first name?"
"Well at school, I get called Harry but my Aunt and Uncle call me either Freak or Boy all the time," he said, seemingly unconcerned. "Is Hermione your school name or the ones your guardians call you?" He asked.
Hermione was slightly concerned, "I only have one name."
"Oh," Harry seemed slightly confused, "Are you running away too?"
"No silly!" Hermione said, "Are you?"
Harry nodded solemnly, "My Uncle is mad at me and I am worried he is going to kill me," he said seriously.
Hermione blinked. "What did you do?" Mum and Dad had never wanted to kill Hermione from what she could remember.
Harry looked around before lowering his voice. "I did something freaky and my uncle will be back from work soon."
"What 'freaky' thing did you do?" She asked curiously, she did odd things too, but she wasn't sure if that was the same as she wasn't sure of Harry's definition of 'freaky.'
"Dudley was Freak Hunting and all of a sudden he ended up in the tree."
Harmione's eyes widened. "I can do that too!"
Harry jumped up and down excitedly. "Maybe you're a freak too!"
"I hope I am," Hermione said, it sounded cool to be a freak - or at least Harry's definition.
"Do you keep a journal?" Harry asked, abruptly changing the topic.
Hermione shook her head "Do you?"
Harry nodded, "I call it The Cupboard Diaries, it names every time my uncle hurts me," he explained.
"Why do you keep it?" Hermione said, Mum and Dad would never hurt her, but maybe Harry's aunt and uncle are mean.
"In the beginning of the year the teacher told me that she had tried to take me away from the Dursleys, but it didn't work out." The boy seemed a bit upset for a second, but bounced back quickly.
Hermione nodded. "So they told you to keep a journal so your feelings were not bottled up," the girl said wisely.
Harry nodded, but his smile quickly turned to a look of horror as a fat red-faced man walked up to Harry and grabbed him by the throat, lifting him off his feet. "Did you really think you would get out of punishment, boy?!" He yelled at Hermione's new friend.
Hermione stood up. "What are you doing to Harry?" She asked, it looked like it hurt and Harry's face was turning blue, which Hermione thought meant little oxygen...
"I am taking him home, the ungrateful freak ran away," he smiled at Hermione cruelly, "Do you have a problem with that, missy?"
Hermione shook her head. "Of course not sir, but can he visit sometime?" Hermione asked hopefully, Harry hadn't said they were friends, but he was being nice to her.
"No." The red man said as he turned around.
Hermione was slightly saddened and turned to say goodbye to her new friend, but Harry's eyes were closed and he looked an unhealthy blue colour.
Hermione closed her eyes and pretended Harry had asked to be friends, "I accept Harry, and I think I'll make The Bedroom Diaries to honor our future friendship."
By the time Hermione opened her eyes again, Harry and his uncle were gone and Hermione was alone again.
Eight years later, Hermione Granger awoke to tears running down her face. "Harry!"
The teen looked around to ensure no one had heard her yell, but luckily the third year's dorm was empty aside from her.
She didn't know if her nightmare was real or not, the encounter seemed so real but Hermione didn't want to admit what terrible beings Harry's relatives were.
She had the diary she made all those years ago, but she couldn't remember why she made it.
As much as she wanted to deny it and say Harry had never had shown any evidence of having a bad homelife, she knew deep down it just wasn't true.
Phrases such as "Proud? Are you crazy? All those times I could've died, and I didn't manage it? They'll be furious..." and one from just a few days ago, "Are you insane? Of course I want to leave the Dursleys! Have you got a house? When can I move in?" came to mind.
If Harry was that desperate to move in with a man he just met then what did that say about his previous home situation?
Hermione didn't know how long she sat on her bed, crying her eyes out, before realizing it was Wednesday and she had places to be. Sure the last day of term was Friday, but it was still important Hermione received her education.
Looking at her clock, Hermione darted out of bed. Lessons would be starting in about an hour!
After taking a quick shower, Hermione headed up to the boy's dorms to see if Harry and Ron were up there. She doubted it, but she wanted to make sure before she left without them.
The room was empty, but there was a note on Harry's bed.
Hermione- Sorry but we need to run to Divination, I really wish we could see you this morning, but you quit the class and we didn't see you at all after we woke up in the common room or at breakfast.
Harry and Ron
Hermione sighed happily, Harry could be so thoughtful sometimes. But the girl's happiness turned back to horror after a moment after seeing Harry's handwriting. The diary!
After a minute of frantic searching in Harry's trunk, Hermione's heart dropped. There it was:
The Cupboard Diaries
The full story of Harry/Freak's life at Number 4 Privet Drive.
After a moment of thinking and more time wiping the tears off her cheeks, Hermione tucked the journal into her rutsack. I don't care if Harry hates me, I need to know about what is going on during Harry's summers.
The real question was who to tell. Harry would get angry and stop her from going to anybody, so she had to tell a teacher before he found out and stopped her. But who does he trust the most? The obvious choice would be Professor Lupin, but Professor Snape ruined that plan with his 'slip.'
Then it struck her that Harry was indeed right - none of the teachers did care. No one stopped the bullying and ridicule last year and the year before, no one cared when Harry got harmed.
After a few more moments of thinking, Hermione got yet another idea. She wouldn't tell anyone about the journal directly, but if someone noticed Hermione was indeed upset and asked, they were obviously the right one to help Harry.
Right after Arithmancy had ended, Hermione headed out to the lake for some alone time. What she had read there made her lose any appetite for the lunch she was currently missing.
The worst entry by far had been 29 February.
Hello Diary,
It's me again. I'm sorry if there's blood on the paper, my hand is shaking and I'm bleeding. I miss Hermione, I know she probably doesn't even remember me, but she was the only one not to be mad at me.
Uncle Vernon was angry today. Dudley broke my arm after school and I healed it with my freakishness. Normally it wouldn't be too bad because Dudley almost never tells him and Aunt Petunia he broke a bone, but today he did. My Uncle found out I fixed it and got angry for things such as 'destroying Dudley's hard work' and 'using my freakishness.'
I am in the cupboard currently and not allowed food for two weeks because of the thing. Earlier was worse, though. The man threw me down the stairs and hit me with both a switch and a whip while Aunt Petunia rubbed salt in my cuts and Dudley jumped on my arm. I've had worse, but my back still hurts a lot and the salt stings.
Harry Potter. (Sorry for the late entry, this happened 4 days ago but I had to wait for my freakishness to heal my broken hand before writing.)
Hermione put the journal away after that, horrified by its contents. There was so much wrong about Harry's words. There was the matter-of-fact tone the boy adapted, the fact he called his magic his 'freakishness,' and the beatings themselves.
Hermione's eyes were still watering when Harry and Ron approached her about half an hour later.
Harry couched beside her and spoke softly, "You okay, Hermione?"
Hermione just cried harder at the thought of her friend suffering in silence, but she couldn't bring herself to tell him what was bothering her. "I need time to process, I'll tell you soon, I promise," the witch felt terrible for lying to Harry, but she also hated him for lying to her about his home situation.
"Okay, just tell us when you're ready." Harry said compassionately.
Ron slapped him hard on the arm. "Harry!"
Hermione didn't know how she had missed it, how Harry flinched from touch. Why am I no longer observative?
"I don't know what I was supposed to say, Ron. Hermione will tell us when she's ready." Harry told Ron.
"I think you should tell us, 'Mione. It will help." Ron told Hermione, ignoring her numerous reprimands not to use that nickname.
Hermione winced as Ron continued, "Just go away Harry, Hermione and I don't want you here if you're going to be an arse."
Harry looked hurt, "I'm sorry Hermione, I didn't mean to be rude, I just thought you would want me to respect your wishes."
Hermione shook her head, if only he understood... "You're doing the right thing, I don't want to talk about it."
"No he bloody well is not," Ron said angrily, "Harry doesn't understand what it's like to have problems. He doesn't understand what it's like not to have a perfect life, we need to nip it in the bud now so he doesn't end up friendless in future."
Hermione rolled her eyes, "It's okay Ron, Harry is doing what I wanted. And how do you know Harry's life is wonderful?" She asked hotly.
"He has everything. The only thing bad about him is he doesn't have any parents," Ron shrugged, "but he still gets a loving family that spoils him."
Hermione shook her head, "If you say so, let's go to Transfiguration."
"Ms. Granger, come see me after class." Professor McGonagall's voice rang out a minute before Transfiguration class ended.
Hermione nodded, that settled it. Professor McGonagall was going to want to know everything. Part of Hermione was relieved, but did the woman deserve to know? She had done so much wrong for the past three years…
Hermione shrugged that thought off, she would only bring it up if Professor McGonagall wondered why Harry never came to her about the abuse.
"Follow me into my office," The Professor commanded, her voice slightly more compassionate than usual.
After both witches were seated, Professor McGongall got straight to the point, "Are you okay, Miss Granger?" She asked, her voice not quite as brisk as Hermione was used to.
Hermione looked down at her lap, "I-I don't know, ma'am." Why is this so hard?
"You have tear-stained cheeks and you're as pale as a ghost."
Hermione took a deep breath. "Harry is going to hate me for telling you Professor, but someone needs to know. He can't go back."
The Professor took a deep breath. "Is this about the Dursleys or some other issue?"
Hermione nodded, her eyes watering. "What do you know about them, his relatives?"
The elder witch bit her lip, "Professor Dumbledore, Hagrid, and I were the ones who placed him there," She admitted quietly. "I didn't think they would be good guardians, but I would never go against the Headmaster."
"Don't tell Harry." Hermione knew the boy would feel betrayed if he found out his professor, headmaster, and only trusted adult were the ones to drop him off in an abusive home.
The woman pursed her lips. "About this conversation or about me being there when he was dropped off?"
Hemione hesitated. "I need your help helping Harry," she evaded, "Do you have a pensive?"
The professor nodded and Hermione extracted the memory of her meeting with Harry all those years ago.
After placing the memory in the bowl, she motioned for Professor McGonagall to take a look, "I am not going in," the young girl almost shuddered at the thought of seeing Harry choked again, unable to do anything as he lost consciousness.
Hermione passed the time by reading another entry in Harry's journal before throwing the book across the room in an uncharacteristic fit of anger.
The professor emerged a few minutes later, looking quite pale. "Was this a dream?"
Hermione nodded. "Yes, ma'am."
"Was it real?" She asked, "Do you remember it happening?"
Hermione nodded again. "I didn't know if I had just dreamt or if it was a memory, so I looked in his trunk…"
"You found the journal?"
Hermione nodded and swallowed hard.
The woman pursed her lips, looking angry. "Why has Mr. Potter not come to me about this sometime in the past three years?"
Hermione started to get angry. "Maybe ma'am, it's because you have proven not to be a good head of house!"
Hermione had told herself not to mention the Transfiguration professor's past history, but the lady was asking for it now.
The professor stood, glaring at Hermione. "And what gives you that impression, Ms. Granger?"
Hermione shrugged mockingly. "The Hogwarts handbook said that the appropriate punishment for finding a student out of bed is a twenty point deduction. You took fifty each from us and assigned us a detention which, might I add, was a disaster!"
Professor McGonagall tried to cut Hermione off, but she just continued, gaining steam. "Had it not have been for the centaurs, Harry and Malfoy would likely have died."
Professor McGonagall raised her eyebrows. "How did they almost die?"
Hermione ignored the woman. "You never even asked why us three of us were out of bed, Malfoy was right. We did have a dragon egg."
"What?"
Hermione took a breath, knowing it would not end too well if she continued screaming at a teacher. "Hagrid hatched a dragon egg in his hut because he won it off a stranger. Harry, Ron, and I offered to get rid of it since it was illegal and he would get arrested if it were found."
"And Mr. Mr. Malfoy found out?" She asked inquiringly.
"Ron got bit and went to Madame Pomfrey, so he was out of commission. Malfoy found the note sent by Charlie Weasley offering to get the dragon in an old book, and he decided to get us into trouble. Neville found out about Malfoy and went to warn us, he had nothing to do with Norbert, nor did he know anything."
Professor McGonagall bit her lip. "And I didn't even ask you why you were out of bed," she moaned.
Hermione nodded. "Then the detention you assigned us on top of the point loss was terrible," the teen informed her professor.
The professor motioned for Hermione to continue and she did gladly. "We went into the forbidden forest and split up. Harry and Malfoy were sent after Neville got scared Malfoy came back screaming not too much later. Apparently Harry's scar started to hurt and the thing drinking the unicorn's blood - who we later learned was You Know Who on Quirrel's head - came right at Harry., almost killing him"
"How did he escape?" The professor's voice now held a bit of interest Hermione was determined to stamp out. "A centaur - Firenze - saved him by kicking the figure and carrying Harry back to Hagrid on his back, earning a kick from Bane, who was unimpressed."
Professor McGonagall inclined her head sorrowfully, "You were right, that was irresponsible, but the times I stood up for you three should outweigh those two nights."
"The school has turned on Harry twice now. Where were you then, ma'am?" Hermione snapped. "In our first year, all houses but the Slytherins were angry at Harry, Neville, and me after the incident with the dragon because Slytherin was likely going to win the house cup. Last year was no better, the entire school was ridiculing Harry because he could speak parseltongue."
The professor shook her head. "No. Potter, Weasley, and occasionally Longbottom, got numerous detentions for hex-"
"Retaliating, ma'am. Ron and Neville were just retaliating. And Harry never jinxed anyone. The only spells he ever performed were shield charms."
The transfiguration professor shook her head again. "No. Detentions are only given for jinxes and hexes."
"They lied. Any time Harry performed a shield charm, the students lied and said he hit them with a jinx, even though it was just their own spell bouncing back at them via Harry's powerful shield."
"I'm sorry," Professor McGonagall replied, "I didn't realize I messed up that badly. Ridicule from my own house, and I never noticed…"
"Thank you for apologizing, professor."
The lady shook her head. "And I never listened to you three before you went after the stone, and Potter wound up in the infirmary because of it."
Hermione nodded. "Harry doesn't trust adults, that time was the first - and last - time he went to an adult for anything." Hermione sniffled.
"Now what about Potter?" Professor McGonagall asked, "How do you know it was not just a dream?"
Hermione pointed to the journal she had thrown across the room. "It's the diary he was talking about in the memory, I found it."
The woman nodded and retrieved it from the floor. She flipped to the last page and the two witches read Harry's latest entry.
Hey,
It's me again obviously. Sometimes I wonder what the point of it all is. I'm at the Burrow now, which is wonderful, but it also makes me sad. Ron has a wonderful family and I'm stuck at the Dursleys. I know I'm being selfish, but sometimes I think the world would be better without me and I should just end it. The Dursleys would be overjoyed, the Weasleys wouldn't be obligated to take care of me, and I would be happier.
Thank god the Weasley twins were in a rush the other day. I know I drew all over the walls and there is still bedding in the cupboard under the stairs. I also want to thank Merlin (Because that's what wixen do) for healing books. I bought some from Flourish and Blotts while Hagrid wasn't looking last year and healed all my broken bones.
It is unfair there's no way to trace underage magic in places with magical families but I am not going to complain because now none of the Wealeys are going to ask why I didn't go to a doctor because of my broken arm and leg. Unfortunately, there's nothing to do about all the welts and gashes on my back, nor the bruises littering my entire body, but I'll take what I can.
Mrs. Weasley healed all the bruises on my face after I told her I got into a fight. I wasn't lying technically because I did get into a fight, it just wasn't one I wished to participate in. That was all she healed though because there was no way I was going to remove my shirt.
Harry Potter
Hermione looked up to see her favorite professor in tears, "What do we do, ma'am? Term ends in two days."
The woman shook her head. "Could you ask your parents if he could stay at your house over break? Just for a few days."
Hermione nodded. I'll just tell Harry the truth and hope he doesn't hate me…
"Thank you. I am worried about telling the headmaster because, as Potter's magical guardian, he can overrule your parents' wishes."
"But he wouldn't… Right?" Hermione would be going on a murder spree if Professor Dumbledore had indeed known about the abuse and chose to do nothing.
Professor McGonagall shook her head. "I don't think so, but he was quite adamant that was where Potter was placed."
Hermione nodded gravely and stood, "I am going to bring Harry in here, he needs to talk to someone."
The Transfiguration professor nodded and Hermione left.
"Harry!" Hermione called.
Harry turned around. "Hey, you okay?"
Hermione nodded. "I am going to tell you," she told the wizard.
"About what?"
"About what I was upset about… but now you have to go talk with Professor McGonagall," Hermione said quietly, taking his arm and ignoring his minute flinch.
"Why?"
Hermione sighed as she knocked on the Transfiguration Professor's office door. "I had a dream."
Professor McGonagall opened the door, looking quite disheveled. Hermione could only imagine she looked worse.
Harry followed the two witches to the desk and sat beside Hermione. "I'm not in trouble am I?"
Professor McGonagall shook her head as Hermione continued. "My dream is why we're here."
The only indication Harry was nervous was a small flicker in his eyes. He seemed to be connecting the dots. "Hermione," he said, his voice quivering slightly, "what was your dream about? And why do you two look as if you've been crying?"
"Why did you never tell me we met?" She asked.
The wizard buried his face in his hands. "You remember." It wasn't a question. "God damn it."
"Language, Mr. Potter."
Both students ignored Professor McGonagall and Hermione placed the journal on the table and Harry glared at her. "You had no right. That is mine. It was in my trunk in my dorm."
Hermione shook her head. "I'm sorry, but you have to talk about it."
Harry shook his head. "No. it won't do anything anyway. I asked Dumbeldore at the end of last year and the year before if I could leave. He said the blood wards were too important."
Hermione shook her head and moved to place her hand on Harry's. The boy jerked it back and avoided her eye.
"Harry… You can stay with me and my parents over the break," Hermione suggested, hoping her parents would agree.
The young wizard jerked his head up and gaped at her. "Really?"
Hermione nodded. "Under one condition, you talk about this," Hermione motioned to the last page of the journal - the one with the suicidal thoughts.
Harry shook his head. "I'll go back to the Dursleys', thanks."
Professor McGonagall shook her head. "Not them, we mean your thoughts on the situation."
Harry laughed cruelly. "You think I like it there? You think I like being beat for the smallest infractions. Well I don't. Good day professor, Hermione," The boy stood and had his hand on the doorknob before Hermione was able to regain her voice. "Not about that. Harry, are you suicidal?"
Harry didn't say anything as he exited the office, but the lack of answer and his fear-filled gaze was all she needed to break down in tears on the office floor. "What do we do?"
Professor McGonagall shook her head. "We can't do anything, the muggle and wizarding world are too different."
Hermione resented that difference. Fuck the wizarding world.
Thursday passed in a blur. Hermione didn't know what to do about Harry. He had been avoiding both her and Professor McGonagall for the past two days.
Unfortunately, it only got worse. Tucked in the back of the diary, there was a note written with ink on parchment, very unlike the pen on paper.
Reasons to die: (Bullet point) - Reasons to live:
•The Dursleys would be happier - Ron and Hermione
•I would be happier - Magic
•Everyone would be safer - Quiddich
•I would be reunited with my parents
* The Astronomy tower is high, but it is also obvious and magic is strong. Hanging myself at Privet Drive would work better.
Hermione didn't get any sleep at all that night, knowing Harry could kill himself at any moment and Hermione would be alone again.
All the troubled teen was aware of at that time was that Harry would not be returning to the Dursleys'. Hermione would be unable to keep an eye on him there and he would likely kill himself before September.
So Hermione sent a letter to her parents. She knew with all Harry's mental problems, it was not likely they would be able to take him in, but it was either that, Harry killed himself, or Harry's 'family' killed him.
She decided to send the letter in addition to one of Harry's diary entries and his reasons for killing himself.
Mum and dad-
I know I'll be seeing you in less than two day's time, but this issue is urgent. I know I've told you about Harry Potter, my best friend, well I found out more. He has been abused and is suicidal. I don't know if you remember, but I told you about a little boy and his uncle about eight years ago. Well that's Harry.
I showed Professor McGonagall the journal I found in his dorm and we were wondering if he could join us for the summer. Well I talked to Harry about it, and he did not appreciate my findings. He ran out and we haven't talked since. I looked through his diary and sent you one of his entries. He also wrote the other note enclosed.
I know it may not be super convenient to house him with all his mental problems, but I don't want him to kill himself. Someone has to take care of him and the Dursleys are more likely to kill him themselves than to help him. We could give him a loving home and send him to therapy - Whatever it takes for him to get better and you to agree to house him this summer.
At the station I was wondering if you could talk to both him and his uncle together, preferably before I get off the train. Harry has bright green eyes, messy back hair, and is malnourished. His uncle is a fat red man and his aunt is a horse-faced woman with blond hair. His cousin is a mix of both, being both blond and fat.
To be honest, I don't care if you say he can't come home with us. I'll just either hide him in my room or run away with him. I will not leave him to kill himself, this letter is just a courtesy.
Hermione
Hermione sent the letter off with one of the school owls and headed back to her dormitory, awaiting a reply.
She knew she was being unreasonable and Mum and Dad had better things to do than make sure Harry didn't kill himself, but Hermione didn't. No one mattered more than Harry and Hermione was going to make sure he knew it.