They spent a long time quietly reflecting on everything they had just shared. As she continued to stroke his hand, she could only hope that her words were somehow helping lift at least some of the weight from his chest.

But at the same time, she couldn't help thinking how hard it was for her to follow her own advice. She so desperately wanted him to listen to her, yet she had been struggling with her own guilt and ghosts from the past for years. The classic—do as I say and not what I do.

She still felt her own mistakes so heavily that she had barely been able to carry them. She had almost given up. She was so ashamed of most of them that the mere thought of sharing them with him would be enough to send her into a full panic attack. Not that she didn't trust him. But because the thought of disappointing him was just unbearable and too scary.

She deeply felt every word she had said to him. But at the same time, she never told him how she really felt about herself. This is not about me. She tried to make up excuses for herself.

She knew that putting her own needs aside to help him carry all his weight would come back to bite her ass later. As a first responder, she understood that putting her own mask first made complete sense. But when does sense and logic apply to the matters of the heart?

She felt like she owed him at least some sincerity, but she was not planning on sharing too much. The last thing she wanted was to add any weight to his shoulders. On the contrary.

Finally, she broke the silence, her voice soft but steady. "You know… sometimes I feel like I'm living on autopilot…"

He turned his head slightly toward her, snapping out from his own deep reflections. He was both curious and concerned. "You do?"

She nodded against his shoulder, her voice dropping to a whisper. "I've been drowning myself into work. I wasn't exaggerating earlier—16-hour days, sometimes more. It was the only way I could keep going. I had to work until I was completely exhausted, otherwise…" she hesitated, "otherwise, I couldn't sleep at all. Couldn't shut down my brain. Work was all I had."

Jay's grip on her hand tightened slightly. "Erin…"

She smiled faintly, shaking her head before he could say anything more. "It's better now… but for a while, it was bad. Really bad."

"How bad?" he asked, worried.

She sighed, closing her eyes briefly. "Bad enough that I ended up in the hospital last year. Full-on burnout. My body just… shut down."

The words hit him like a punch. "Jesus, Erin…"

"I've been going to therapy since," she continued, her tone lightening. "I've been trying to slow down a bit and to actually deal with everything I've been bottling up all these years. It's not easy, but it's something I really needed."

"Is it working?" he asked, his voice gentle.

She tilted her head to meet his gaze. "The work part… kinda."

"Kinda?" He raised an eyebrow.

She shrugged with a light chuckle. "Therapy is certainly helping but it's a fucking painful, slow process. OA—my partner—he literally kicks me out of the office if I try to stay more than 12 hours. Like, physically pushes me out the door."

Jay chuckled softly, shaking his head. "Smart guy."

"Yeah, well, he says he's saving me from myself. And honestly? He's probably right."

Jay's thumb brushed over the back of her hand absentmindedly, and when he finally spoke, his voice was quieter. "I hate that you went through that alone, Er.."

"I hate that you've been going through all of this alone too," she said softly. "We're both a mess, huh?"

"Maybe," he admitted, his lips twitching into a small, almost reluctant smile. "But at least we're not alone right now."

She squeezed his hand, her head finding its place back on his shoulder. She knew that he would be leaving soon. And that it wasn't a solution—not yet. But for now, it was enough. She just wished she could freeze time.

He placed a soft kiss on her head and he could feel her smiling on his chest.

"OA is that tall guy you left with earlier?" Jay asked, thinking back on her partner, his tone casual, but not enough to completely hide his jealousy.

"Yeah… he's my partner," Erin replied.

"Huh. You close?" Jay asked, unable to hide the tightness in his chest.

"He's my partner, Jay… just my partner," Erin said, her voice firm, but patient.

Jay's eyes narrowed, watching her carefully. "He's been taking care of you? I mean, he's got your back?"

Erin sighed, feeling the weight of his unspoken jealousy, but she answered anyway. "Yeah… he's good. Solid. I actually scared the hell out of him when I collapsed from exhaustion. I've never seen him look so… worried."

"And you two… never…?" He couldn't help himself. The thought of her with someone else felt like a raw wound.

"No!!! I would never allow myself to get with a partner again. No way," Erin shot back quickly, her voice sharp, defensive.

Jay blinked, a little thrown. "Because it was that bad? Being with your old partner?" He regretted immediately, but the question was there, hanging between them.

Erin's eyes hardened, and for a moment, he saw a glimpse of the vulnerability and sadness she kept buried. "Not until that partner broke my heart."

Jay's breath caught, his chest tightening as he realized the depth of her pain. "I'm sorry… sorry…" he muttered, suddenly aware of how careless his words had been.

She didn't push him away. Instead, she met his gaze with a quiet resolve. "I just… I wouldn't risk that again… with anyone else…" Her voice softened, but there was a lingering sadness in her eyes, something Jay couldn't ignore.

"What about you and Hailey?" Erin asked quietly. She had been hesitating to ask about her, but he had just opened that door when he asked about OA.

Jay winced. "I don't want to talk about Hailey, Er…," he said softly, hoping it would end there.

But he saw the shift in her expression—her lips pressing together, her gaze turning to the other side, her thoughts suddenly a thousand miles away. He could almost see her mind running wild, imagining many versions of their life together. He knew that look and he absolutely hated it.

Jay sighed, unable to let it linger. He didn't want to upset her, but he could feel the weight of her unspoken questions pressing in. He was done with the silence. "What do you want to know?" he asked, his voice lower than usual, giving in.

Erin hesitated. She reached to his other hand, her fingers brushing lightly over the wedding ring on his finger—a simple touch, but one that sent a ripple of emotion through both of them. The sight of it, still there, twisted something deep inside her. It felt like a reminder of everything that was unresolved between them, and she couldn't help but wonder if it was a reminder for him, too.

"When did you first get together?" she finally asked, her voice soft, wondering how quickly he had forgotten about her.

Jay stared down at the ring for a long moment before meeting her eyes. It was hard talking about Hailey now. Harder still when he could see the hurt in Erin's face, even if she was trying to hide it. He knew he had to be careful.

"Less than two years ago… she came to NY to work with the FBI," Jay said, trying to keep his tone casual.

"I remember that," Erin replied, her voice drifting. "Hank called and asked me to get her a temporary spot. He wanted her to see how things were done here… properly. I guess she went rogue in a case with him or something…"

Jay nodded, his expression hardening slightly. "Yeah… I didn't really know why he sent her. She never told me."

"Well," Erin continued, "anyway, I didn't get to spend much time with her when she came to NY. I had to leave for an undercover mission, so I left her with OA."

Jay frowned, trying to process what she just said, "Wait, what? You saw her?"

"Yeah, of course," Erin answered quickly, "I spent a few hours with her when she first arrived. Just wanted to make sure she was settled before I left."

Jay's eyes darkened and his jaw tightened. "Fuck!" he muttered in disbelief.

"What?" Erin asked, confused by his reaction.

Jay exhaled sharply. "She told me that she never saw you in NY."

"She said she didn't see me?" Erin asked, her voice incredulous. "We spent the morning in the office and then we went out to have lunch together… I think I have some pictures on my phone…"

"You're kidding, right?" Jay replied, his tone a mix of disbelief and frustration.

"No! Why would I be kidding? Do you want me to look for the picture?" Erin shot back, now feeling a bit defensive.

Jay's eyes widened, and he let out a frustrated breath. "No… it's just… she lied to my face! And I didn't even ask her!"

"Didn't ask what?" Erin pressed, trying to understand.

"I didn't ask about you…" he confessed with his voice dropping a little. "Even though I wanted to know if she had seen you the second she got back… but I didn't ask. I didn't want to make it… awkward or… I don't know. Then, weeks later, out of nowhere, she casually dropped that she hadn't seen you at all."

Erin blinked, trying to process this. "Why would she do that? I had no idea about you two when I saw her here… She didn't mention you… and I… didn't really ask either… I asked about the team hoping that she would tell me about you. But I just couldn't make myself ask directly."

The truth was that she was not ready to find out if he had moved on and was happy. She was ashamed to let Hailey know that she still thought about him… all the time.

"We weren't together yet when she came to NY," Jay interrupted, his voice tense. "We got together after… when she told me about the FBI job offer."

"What offer?" Erin asked, her brow furrowed in confusion.

Jay froze, staring at her as if the world had tilted on its axis. Without another word, he stood abruptly and walked to the kitchen, slamming his fist onto the island counter. The sharp sound made her flinch.

"Jay?" she called, her voice tentative.

"She told me she got a job offer to come to NY to join the FBI," he said, still facing the sink with his back turned to her, his tone simmering with anger and frustration.

Erin hesitated, trying to piece it together. "Jay… I didn't know about any offer. But that doesn't mean she didn't get one…" she said gently, hoping to calm him down.

Jay spun around, his eyes filled with disbelief. "Er? Just think about it. She worked in your office. She was assigned to your team. Your partner. Would she have gotten a job offer to join your team without you even knowing?"

Erin opened her mouth, then closed it, realizing he was right. She shook her head slowly. "I worked undercover for a long time after seeing her and it really sucked… but I just never heard about any offer. What difference does it make anyway?"

Seeing Hailey had stirred something deep inside of her. Something she thought she had buried. But it brought back so many memories from Chicago and the life she had left behind. Going undercover and having to spend weeks alone with only her demons after that hadn't been easy.

"Everything!" He raised his voice with a mix of anger and betrayal. "Don't you see?"

"No, Jay, I don't!" Erin snapped, more out of frustration with herself for not understanding than with him. "Why are you so upset? What did I say?"

"I'm not upset at you, Er!" He exhaled sharply, running a hand through his hair. "It's her. She lied to me! How could I have been so stupid?"

Erin softened, her frustration giving way to concern. "I'm sorry, I'm trying here… but I'm just not following…"

Jay paced around the kitchen island and braced himself against the counter, facing her, lowering his head as though the weight of the realization was too much to bear. She waited, silent and patient, knowing he needed time to sort through whatever was going on in his head.

Finally, he spoke, his voice quieter but no less intense. "She told me she got a job offer to come to NY. But then… she said she wouldn't take it." He shook his head with a bitter laugh. "She wouldn't leave me to work for the FBI… she wouldn't leave me to come to NY…." He repeated slowly to make sure she was following.

Erin tilted her head, still trying to connect the dots. "Oh…" she said softly as understanding dawned on her. "She meant… the way I did? Wow!"

Jay's gaze snapped up to meet hers, his eyes filled with a raw, unfiltered pain. "Yes," he whispered, the word heavy with betrayal. "She used that."

"Maybe she got an offer from some other team, and I just didn't hear about it…" Erin said, trying to find an explanation.

"Stop it, Erin!" Jay snapped, his frustration boiling over. "Why are you even trying to make up excuses for her?"

"I don't know…" she admitted, looking down, her voice soft. "I just don't like seeing you this upset."

Jay exhaled sharply, pacing a few steps before turning back to face her. "Even if there was an offer. She manipulated me, Erin. She said exactly what I wanted to hear because she knew how fucked up I was after you left." He blurted out without thinking. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath after seeing how the words had hit her. "I—I was so lost, and yeah, I knew she was too. She was damaged and lost, just like I was, and we just—" he paused, struggling to find the right words, to make it hurt less… "we just ended up together."

Erin swallowed hard, her gaze fixed on him. "You didn't really want to be with her?"

He shook his head, a pained expression crossing his face. "I didn't want to be alone," he admitted. "And, yeah, I can't deny that she tried. She was by my side when I needed someone. But still…" He trailed off, his voice breaking under the weight of his confession.

"But it was just like that? You never thought about being with her before?"

"No. I didn't think of her like that. I could see that she had feelings for me… yes… and I guess I just tried to ignore it at first—thought they would just go away. I know now I shouldn't have led her on. But I kinda felt like I owed it to both of us… to try… to move on… besides, the thought of being completely alone again… I just couldn't bear it," he admitted.

"And then, a few months later, after the whole thing with that guy who shot Kim blew over, she—" He stopped, hesitating.

"She what?" Erin prompted, her voice steady, even if her pulse quickened.

"She asked me to marry her," Jay said, the words heavy with disbelief, even now.

Erin's eyes widened. "She? She asked you to marry her?" She thought about his reaction from before when he was talking about Hailey and Hank and things started to make more sense.

Jay nodded slowly, the memory clearly painful. "Yes. She was a mess. I knew something was wrong but I didn't know what had happened. She never told me what she and Hank did. And I didn't say no. We just… we stopped to get the ring and then went to the courthouse and got married. No plans. No ceremony. Nothing."

Erin blinked, stunned. "You didn't even hesitate?"

"I didn't even think," Jay admitted, his voice hollow. "I just went along with it because—I don't even know. I guess It just felt easier than dealing with everything else. I didn't want to hurt her. I thought maybe it would make things better… but it didn't." He ran a hand through his hair, his frustration palpable. "I've been lying to myself this whole time."

"So… you never proposed?" Erin's voice was soft, almost trembling.

"No," Jay confirmed, his voice tight with emotion. "The only time I ever had a ring in my pocket, ready to propose… was the night you left me."

Her eyes widened in shock, his words hitting her like a freight train. "W-what?" she stammered, unsure if she had heard him right.

Jay froze, realizing too late what he'd just blurted out. He cursed himself silently. He had never meant for her to find out like this.

"Jay?" Her voice cracked as her eyes filled with tears. "What do you mean? Are you saying… you…?"

He sighed deeply, raking his hand through his hair, as if he might pull it all out. But he knew there was no taking it back now. He closed his eyes for a while before continuing. "I waited for you all night at Molly's that night, Erin," he began, his voice breaking under the weight of the memory. "I had gotten my mom's wedding ring from the family safe. Will helped me. She'd given it to both of us. She said the first of us to find the right woman could keep it. And I knew… I knew it was you. I was going to ask you to marry me that night."

Her breath hitched, tears streaming down her face. "Are you being serious right now?" she whispered, her voice barely audible.

"Yes," he said, his own eyes glistening. "And I am so sorry you're hearing about it like this. But I wanted to marry you, Erin. I didn't care about anything else—I just wanted us to be together forever. I know I blew it all… with Abby, and now with Hailey. I know I keep fucking everything up. But I never proposed to either of them. Not Abby. Not Hailey. I never really wanted to marry either of them." He paused, his voice dropping to a whisper. "The only person I ever wanted to marry… was you."

Erin stared at him, her heart shattering into pieces she wasn't sure could ever be put back together. "Jay…" she managed to choke out, but no word came. Instead, she broke down, sobbing as she tried to process the enormity of what he'd just revealed.

"I'm sorry, Erin," he said, his voice raw with regret. "I'm so sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing back then when I walked out to fix things with Abby. I thought you'd be better off without me, but I… I was so wrong. I've been wrong about so much."

He hesitated, afraid to hurt her even more but then placed an arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. She didn't resist, resting her head against him as she continued to cry. They sat in silence again for what felt like an eternity dwelling on their mistakes and misunderstandings. He wanted to marry her but she had already walked away because she couldn't stand to stay without him. The irony of it.

A/N: Sorry if you're a Upstead fan… don't be upset about the lies please… hehe… but this is a Linstead story… :') When I first saw the episode that Hailey goes to NY I was so upset that they didn't mention Erin at all… anyway… Jay will eventually have to man up and face her to talk… having a divorce by mail and never talk is too cruel! It will still take a while but I will get there eventually! Please Review!