"I didn't expect you to be here."

"No?"

"Not truly. It is good to see you." He let the normal pleasantries die between them. He didn't need to ask him how he was or how everyone was doing because - the only answer that his own would not be is good. He did not know how things could be good. Not now - now while the galaxy burned.

Not while Palaven remained a vortex of ash and death.

Thinking too long about it took away his ability to breathe. Ironic, he felt, as he sat next to the very man who could not find breath on a good day. Garrus turned his attention from the wide window that overlooked a rather beautiful part of the Citadel and looked directly at the drell.

He still had times where he could almost see him.

It worried Garrus that he was meeting the man here at the hospital even though he had been told by Shepard he would be. Though he had thought the two would have met some place else after she had told him she had received a message from him. He had told Shepard he would come see Kaidan if he had the time. Garrus had decided to visit him just ten minutes after Shepard had left him down in the docking bay. The flash of emerald scales had immediately caught his attention and he had allowed himself to go towards the drell.

"How are you doing, Thane?"

"As well as expected for outliving my last prognoses."

"Ah," he didn't really know what to say. What did one say? "Leave it to you to be able to evade Death's sights."

A low rumble tickled the air between the two fighters. One vigilante, one assassin. "I do not evade him," he paused and tilted his head just so, "Shepard once told me I seemed to dance with Death - that she believed I knew the steps better than even he. I just think I am lucky."

"Lucky to be dying?"

"Lucky to have lived." Thane's onyx eyes found his own blue suddenly, "That's all we are doing and have been doing. I wish I had spent more of my life living. Less asleep. Less disconnected from the very blessing of living. Had I known my own life would be this short…still, I suppose, Huerta Memorial is a good end."

"You never thought it would be short? Assassins are not known to live long."

Another low rumble that Garrus now recognized as Thane chuckling, "Our ilk's design."

"Our ilk?" Garrus' mandible twitched. "You say that like we both would want to die in a fight." They grinned at one another, "I think you are losing it, old man. I would rather be in bed - surrounded by children and grandchildren –"

"And Shepard," the drell supplied.

His words failed him, instead he took a deep breath through his nose and turned away to look over Thane's shoulder towards the rest of the medical wing. He wasn't wrong. He hoped, beyond hope, that Shepard would live long enough to be there. When his plates were rounded and soft and her hair was dim and gray. It was a dream, a wish. One he had had once about Monteague. He frowned, his chin falling slightly, a wish he didn't believe in. He felt as if his inability to see Shepard in his future was an insult to her. Or perhaps a bad omen. Shouldn't he have more faith in her? Shouldn't he have no doubts about her ability to overcome?

Then again - Monteague had been someone who had seemed invincible too.

They both had died.

And Krul.

The old feeling of guilt and grief washed over him at the thought of his drell and Shepard's return. The long nights of him praying to the Spirits for her to have never have died. The begging he had done to have her back. The tears he had shed in anger that she had left him.

"Did I upset you?" Thane questioned.

"No," Garrus answered on an inhale, silently thankful that Thane had interrupted his inner monologue. He really did not want to get sucked into that kind of thinking. Garrus shook his head and admitted quietly, a whispered confession, "I just don't think she will be there."

"Ah."

"I wish I didn't think it."

"Shepard's part to play in this has been confusing," Thane leaned forward, resting his elbows on his flex leather clad knees, his hands clasping almost in prayer before him, "I too feel like the resurrection of the Commander is temporary.'

"The Resurrection of the Commander." Garrus scoffed. He had thought he was doing better in regards to what had happened to the Commander. He thought that the time spent preparing for the Omega-4 had settled all of these thoughts. He had thought that having her in his arms had helped him heal and move past so much. And yet here he was, old worries mixing with the dread that was all around them. Fuck he needed a drink. He needed...no he needed to spar. A great pang of homesickness hit him. He missed Tali. He missed their days of sparring in the Cargo Bay. He missed her never holding back. Perhaps he should find a sparring partner. Victus was still on board, he would do well. There was that big marine down in the Armory now too - he had heard rumor that Shepard had fought the man and had returned a few times to continue to blow off steam.

"Have you got a minute?" Shepard asked as she entered the Main Battery, he spun from his console to look at her.

"Yeah. Ive been thinking about what we talked about. Blowing off steam, easing the tension," Garrus' good mandible clicked as he watched Shepard's eye brow raise, his nerves coiling inside him, "I've never considered cross species intercourse. And dam, saying it that way doesn't help. Now I feel dirty and clinical." He sighed and started pacing, "Are we crazy to even be thinking about this? I'm not...Look, Shepard, I know you can find something a little closer to home..."

He tensed at the memory. His words tangling with his insecurity over Kaidan, the sudden reminder of the marine - what was his name? He had tried to push her away so many times and now...now he just...Garrus looked up to Thane, "Temporary seems to be the only path." Temporary. He knew he was projecting, but he could not separate the warring thoughts. The knot of could be-would be-has to be - will be.

Thane's lips thinned. He seemed to be searching for the right thing to say after Garrus' admission, but finding nothing, he simply sat up straighter and redirected, "Liara and you are doing better?"

Garrus blinked, his mind screeching to a stop once he comprehended the man's question, "What?"

"She is aboard the Normandy now?"

"How did you know that?" Garrus questioned, Thane's brow simply raised as if to say, 'why wouldn't I?' When Thane didn't actually voice an answer, Garrus frowned deeply and then sighed. "We are better."

"Is she important to you?"
"Yes," he supplied.

"Hm. You are on the front line in this fight, Garrus, tomorrow is not guaranteed. In truth, you and the crew aboard the Normandy are closer to death than I."

"I think that may be a little dramatic," the turian scoffed, wondering why Thane had randomly brought up the asari. Perhaps he had just been curious. He had known who she was and what her new role in the galaxy had become. Thane's words took form between the two of them. He could almost pluck them out of the air. Garrus hated that the man was right. He hated everything about this situation. He hated that nothing he did was good enough. All the efforts he was putting into the Citadel. The refugees, the communications with Command, the fucking pricks at C-Sec that seemed to have no idea the true effect of the Reapers. The Citadel was barely showing signs of war. He hated ignorance. The peace that the residence of the great station seemed to have. And yet he hated that he knew that wouldn't last. The citizens here were not safe. The entire Widow System wasn't. No one was.

He felt as if none of it mattered. All his efforts were just a bandaid. Nothing that would really help heal the wounds of the Milky Way. Not while the daggers kept stabbing.

"When you cross into the sea," Garrus spoke suddenly, not even sure what he was saying, "Do you think you will see Irikah?"

Thane tensed suddenly, his hands tightening at his lap, "I believe so."

"Is it only a drell thing - to find the sea and those within it?" Garrus questioned. Thane's gaze landed on him as if he had reached out to touch him. He could feel the question in the drell's bottomless gaze. He could hear it in the slight tick of his jaw."When I die, I want to see him."

"Monteague may not be there."

Garrus frowned heavily at that, offended on behalf of his drell, "What?"

"Do not misunderstand me, Garrus -"

"Then explain," he bit out as the offense slowly ignited to annoyance.

Thane sighed softly, a human movement adopted by a long nights aboard a human vessel, "Monteague was at peace his entire life, Garrus. The sea – the sea is not calm. It is not peaceful. It is beautiful, yes, it is majestic, yes - but it is volatile and dangerous and when I go into it, I will find Irikah because she will know to look for me there."

"I don't understand," and he truly didn't.

"When someone of our kind goes into the sea - it is because we lived against the tide of our own destiny. I fought to exist in two lives and failed at both, Irikah will know that. She is not in the sea and will not be until I am lost there. She will find me."

"Teag was at peace?" He thought back on his drell. Thinking about how he handled himself, how he moved. How he acted.

"The young drell I knew, the one I taught, had no disconnect. He was whole in his actions. It is what made him a great replacement. He had nothing pulling him apart. Nothing that caused him to have to disconnect."

"The time I spent with him was nothing but fighting and subterfuge." He said to Thane, "I wished I could have had more time with him. I was so full of anger. And guilt. Spirits the guilt I carried …" he shook his head, "Teag didn't deserve to have had to put up with me in the last years of his life. I feel like…like if he had just not known me…"

"Stop," an order.

Garrus shook his head, "Had I not recruited him…" The him shifted from green scales with blue stripes to warm burgundy plates with no markings and sharp mandibles.

"Garrus, my friend," he shifted and brought himself closer towards Garrus. Angling so it felt as if the rest of the brightly lit waiting room disappeared around them. "Stop this. You are taking the blame of blameless reasons. You were not the minds of the men who chose to work with you. You were not the choices they made. You did not threaten or blackmail. You gave them reason. From what I know about what you did on Omega, you gave a lot of people reason. What happened to you there - what happened to your crew was not and is not and never will be because of you."

"It doesn't feel that way." He croaked.

"No, I suppose it would not. However, do you think I am to blame for Kolyat's behavior? Or Shepard to be blamed for the crewmen she has lost or the choices made under her command when she had nothing else to choose?"

"I am not Shepard," he tried to argue.

"You will have a long life, Garrus Vakarian, one with many great deeds. Many of those have already come to pass and of the handful of regrets I have hovering over me when Death finds me, missing the rest of your story will be one of them."

He shook his head, "If I could find a way to help you…."

"Stop," another order. "You and Shepard…" the drell shook his head, "The weight of the Galaxy is enough to bear. Do not add the unknown chapters of those around you. You cannot control everything, Garrus - you cannot control what will be."

"I know."And he did. He knew it down to the deepest and most ancient parts of him. He had been taught by those far wiser than him and those far stronger too that "tomorrows" did not exist and "yesterdays" were nothing but memories. Now, in the face of an almost unbeatable foe, he felt the true weight of tomorrow's he felt the truth of Thane's own demise looming."I will miss you."

Thane nodded, "Do not mourn for me, Garrus. Irikah will find me and all will be still. Your attention should be on keeping the Normandy safe. Keeping Shepard safe."

"No Vakarian without her," Garrus joked lamely. Spirits this entire conversation had gone starboard. He let out a soft sigh and ran a hand over his face. Speaking with Thane had always brought about an intensity that left him recovering for days.

Thane spoke, "I believe she feels the same of you."

He frowned hard on that, not wanting to think about the fact he held doubt. True doubt. He had voiced his concerns to Liara, but he would not burden Thane with them. "I hope so."

Thane frowned in return to his statement, but Spirits bless him, he didn't respond.

Garrus' looked towards the rest of the room, lingering his gaze on the door that led him to the Lieutenant, "Huerta Memorial is a good end, really?" He shook his head, thinking about how close Shepard had come to losing Kaidan. How quickly Thane's death was approaching. How uncertain his own life was now that the Reapers were ripping their worlds to shreds.

"It is. I am well tended to here, Garrus. I am being cared for and Kolyat lives close. I see him daily."The smile that curled on the older man's features was something Garrus never thought he would see, "We went to Earth, he and I - we saw a desert."

He had not gone to see Alenko.

After speaking with Thane for another hour or so, they had been interrupted by his son and Garrus had found his presence was unneeded. Instead, he had went back to work. Returning to the place he had spent nearly his entire shore leave. Shore leave. What was that? He hadn't had any true shore leave in years. Perhaps his time on Palaven convincing his Father and sister to believe him had been the last time he had had any true downtime.

Could one consider that downtime?

Victus had been livid due to the inaction of the Citadel. He had met with the Councilor and was appalled by the fact that the man refused to acknowledge the growing need to prepare the Widow System for the inevitability of an invasion. Neither he nor the Primarch could understand how he could be so blind to what was right in front of him. So it boiled down to them. What they could do in the meantime. What they could arrange and put in C-Sec was ordered to be stingy. Even though the Council had allowed their wounded on the station. They were not allowing any refugees anywhere other than the the single docking bay they had designated for "Displacements". When Garrus had gone up to the the Presidium, somehow there were not even rumors of what was happening below. Just how was this even a possibility? Would they need to see death first hand? Would they need to...he frowned deeply. Yes, yes they would. History was repeating itself all over again. Just years after the last time the same kind of blind ignorance ran rampart on the Citadel.

When Sovereign had attacked, they believed her then.

For a moment.

How quickly they forgot.

"Officer Vakarian?"

He raised a finger, his attention remaining on the datapad in his hand, "One second," he murmured as he typed instructions to send a shipment of dextro to the Zakera Ward where one of his contacts would help hold it out of C-Sec regulations. When he was finished he looked up and his brow plates lifted in surprise, "Kelly?"

Her lips curled gently, "It is good to see you, Garrus."

"What are you doing here," he stepped towards her, tossing the datepad towards one of the turians near him, "I mean - forgive me, how are you?"

She waved her hand, pushing off his apology, "No where else to go when Cerberus' eyes are everywhere."

"Are you safe? Do you need help?"

"Funny you mentioned that," she grinned and stepped closer to him, "I was going to ask you the same thing."

His good mandible tightened at her coyness. He knew that she was in danger. The fact that she had turned her back on Cerberus was clear. She looked like a regular colonist, but her signature hair color was almost as recognizable as Shepard's. His eyes fluttered over the strawberry blond of it before shifting to notice a turian at one of the officer's desks in the background. It was the Turin who had helped him earlier.

His stomach seized and he nearly felt the station tilt.

"Garrus?" Kelly stepped forward, her brows pulled together with worry, "Goodness, you look like you've seen a ghost."

"I feel like I have," he admitted as his shoulders slumped. He tore his eyes off of the officer and looked back at Kelly, "I..." he didn't quite know how to voice it, how to word it. Kelly had been a spy for the Illusive Man, but she also was amazing at helping those around her. He had wanted to interrogate her when he had found out her role in things of the SR-2, but the way she had fiercely fought to go after Shepard when she had disappeared on that asteroid had gained favor in the turian. People made mistakes. When they only are taught to think one way, only allowed to be one way. People are not without fault.

He wasn't.

The way he had all but demanded Shepard to leave him alone after his...what had Krul called it...his episode.

He sighed, "Do you see that officer?"

Kelly looked up to his hand as he pointed, shifting her stance to look over her shoulder, "Yes."

"His name is Krul, Grotzan Krul."

"Krul," the woman frowned, he could see her strain to place the name, "Why...why does that name sound, oh!" She looked at him, eyes alight with understanding, "Wasn't that one of the men who you worked with on Omega?"

"He was, the youngest of us." He admitted.

He had not spoken about his time on Omega with Kelly. Not for her lack of trying to get him to talk about it. However, with Cerberus resources behind her, she had been able to gather enough information on his crew that he had nearly bit her head off due to her lack of tact. In hindsight, she had not had any lack of tact - she had been professional and gentle in her questioning, he just had not been very accepting of her curiosity.

"I thought he...wait, Grundan was on your crew, not Grotzan."

"I think that may be his brother."

"No," she gasped and looked back towards the turian. "I...I don't even know what to say here."

Garrus scoffed, "I hadn't even noticed him before today. I, I had an episode and he helped pull me back. Just like Krul had."

"You know it's not unheard of - having those attacks."

"I know," Garrus just wished they would stop happening when it put him and those around him in danger. "I haven't had one in a while."

She nodded, stepping closer to him and gently reaching out to grab his forearm, "You haven't left this hanger in days, Garrus - depriving yourself of sleep will only hurt you in the end. I know you like your routines, maybe set one for sleep. Force yourself to get at least five hours a night - until..." she trailed off.

Until...

Was she watching him? Wait - was she actually living down here? No, knowing her she was probably here aiding the other species in setting up their own refugee stations. He nodded, "I will take that advice, if you take some of my own."

She looked up to him, "What do you mean?"

Garrus looked at her hard, "You need to go into hiding."

"I'm fine..."

"No," he cut her off, "I don't care what you think - or how careful you think you're being. You stick out like a sore thumb and -" he raised a hand to quiet her as she had opened her mouth to interrupt, "If I know you, you're trying to help people around here. Introducing yourself as ..well...you."

Her mouth snapped shut before she sheepishly bit the inside of her cheek, "You may have a point."

"I do," he assured her, "Don't underestimate your old boss. You of all people know what he is capable of. Go visit one of those hair bars. Change your hair color, clothes...name..."

"I don't think that's all that necessary."

"Do it for me then, no - do it for Shepard."

"Thats low," she frowned, "You know I'd do anything for her."

"I know, its why I am using her to my advantage."

Kelly laughed gently, "It really was good to see you, Vakarian."He let a small smile grace his lips before he turned to walk away, a gently goodbye slipping from him before her grip halted him, his brow plate raising curiously. "We both know that you and Shepard are close," she paused, and he could see her trying to find the right words for whatever she was trying to say, "I know that you think you aren't good for her - but trust me you are."

"I have her six," he promised.

"Garrus," she stepped closer to him again, "Just let her in, yeah?"

He shook his head, "Not the best time for that kind of heavy, doc."

"Not a doctor," she would say and then she suddenly perked up, "OH!" She raised her arm and turned on her omni-tool, "I have Shepards fish!" She blushed, "Well the few she had, I...I figured she may want them. Ugh..." she clicked her omnitool closed, "I sent you the coordinance to where they are being held. At my friends house, shes got loads of them. She'll know to expect you. Just tell Shepard, to take care. Yeah?"

"I will. Get yourself safe," he would tell her with an amused grin before turning away from her and the backdrop that housed a turian who led to a 'what if' he wasn't ready to uncover.

A/N

I honestly just hope you all are doing well.

I had to add Kelly in here because she didn't get to romance my Shepard but I refuse to let her just die because of it. So Garrus to the rescue!

I hope to not disappoint.

-SL