GRANDPA MAGIC DOES CONEY ISLAND
From Riverside Records and Leo Israel Productions
Starring... Ed Wynn as "Grandpa Magic"
Ed McMahon as Himself
Carole Lombard as Herself
Sally Eilers as Herself
Gary McNamara as Rag-Tag Cowboy Gary
("The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" theme playing)
Ed McMahon: "From the grand park at Coney Island, it's time for a grandpa you all know and love, and who caused an entire state to fear for its future through his impersonation by a sports reporter! It's the Grandpa Magic Show, starring Grandpa Magic! Featuring Grandpa Magic, Grandpa Magic again, and uhh...Grandpa Magic. And now...Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's...GRANDPA MAGIC!"
(He mutters under his breath, "I can't believe I'm actually doing this.")
Ed Wynn as "Grandpa Magic": Woo-woo! Hiya everyone, I'm Grandpa Magic. Well, today the show's gonna be different, y'know. We're doing Coney Island today and we have all sorts of fun stuff to do today. There's a rollercoaster, cotton candy, a house of mirrors, and many more. But before we get into the funnity-fun-fun here at Coney Island, let's begin with—
Ed McMahon: A really stupid show!
Grandpa Magic: Ehrm, uhh, yes. Anyway, let's begin with a parody of a melody, a-funnity and sunnity tune. We're gonna get right down to the difference and praise my wonderful voice with that amazing song, "Let's Be Thankful". Hey, that's not a very funny title!
Ed McMahon: We're spending $500,000 a minute here, Grandpa Un-Magic. Hey-oh!
Grandpa Magic: Alright, alright. We'll do this stupid song before we do the rides. And away we gooooooo!
(Parody of "Let's Be Thankful" by Irving Aaronson and his Commanders)
Vocal by Dick Dickson:
Let's be honest, this is a stupid thing;
Who'd want to hear this old guy talk?
That Grandpa: let's make his old head ring,
I'll throw the—
Grandpa Magic: Boo-hoo! That song is offensive!
Dick Dickson: But I haven't even finished—
Grandpa Magic: NEXT!
Ed McMahon: And now, Grandpa Magic is gonna join up with 19-year-old Carole Lombard and Sally Eilers in their take on, "By a Waterfall."
Grandpa Magic: Oh, let's see how stupid this one is.
(Parody of, "By a Waterfall" by Meyer Davis Orchestra. Carole Lombard "sings" first. I guess we should say that she undertakes to get through a chorus...without actually singing one note.)
By a theme park falls, I'm loving you-oo-oo-ooo,
We can share it all, Eddie, beneath a ceiling of blue,
Grandpa Magic: You're ain't changing much of the words there, Carole.
Ed McMahon: Shut up!
(Sally Eilers "sings" next.)
I'd fall for your voice and age,
If you didn't end that Kansas State…
Grandpa Magic: Quit it with that outdated reference, Sally. I have absolutely no ties to Anti-Zionism whatsoever. I'll even empty my pockets, y'know. What the heck's an anti-Zionism, anyway?
Sally Eilers: Gee whiz, Mr. Leopold, you sure get triggered easily.
Grandpa Magic: FOR THE LAST TIME, IT'S GRANDPA MAGIC. And I am not, "Grittered" or anything like that. I just don't like stupid songs. Okay. Now let's go to the merrily whee-whee rollercoaster at Coney Island, the "Crystal Naught at Coney".
Ed McMahon: Sure, let's watch the opressed go up in arms...as they ride over the first drop of the coaster. Hey-oh!
Grandpa Magic: Oh, cut out the poo-poo and the woo-woo, Mr. McMahon, I'm being accused of practicing racism by the folks at FanFiction.
Ed McMahon: Well Grandpa Magic, it is the general opinion of my friends that you lack courage.
Grandpa Magic: A-poo-poo, a-woo-woo! Everyone here knows I have more courage than Coward the Couragely Dog.
Ed McMahon: That's "Courage the Cowardly Dog", Mr. Wynn. Hey-oh!
Grandpa Magic: A shut-up you Facebook!
(Slight titters of laughter at this, which may make this Grandpa Magic's biggest laugh of the show.)
Grandpa Magic: How ya gonna respond to that, Mr. McMahon? Ah-boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Gary McNamara: I think you're a schnook, a liar, a creep, a moron, and a screw-up. Hey-oh!
Ed McMahon: Sorry, wrong story, Gary. Go back to hosting "Red Eye Radio".
Gary McNamara: Whoops, sorry about that, Mr. McMahon. I guess it's back to telling everyone about my final day of high school. YEE-HAW! ! ! ! !
(Gary rides a toy pony and clip-clops off the stage.)
*Jewish* Carole Lombard: Oy, vey! Gary McNamara's a chutzpah! (This was not meant to be racist.)
Grandpa Magic: Well, all right. Now let's do a parody of a song that's more familiar to you listeners, "Another One Bites the Dust" by Kings and Queens.
Ed McMahon: It's just "Queen", Mr. Magic.
Grandpa Magic: LA-LA-LA-LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU! Sing, Mr. McMahon!
Ed McMahon: But I don't know how to—fine, if you insist.
(Parody of "Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen)
(Again, Ed McMahon undertakes to get through a chorus...without actually singing one note.)
The Grandpa Magic act sucks!
The Magic Grandpa act sucks!
And the voice is still on,
And it's dumber than dumb,
This rollercoaster act sucks!
Hey Grandpa, just bite the dust,
Hey Magic, your voice act sucks,
And you're getting no fans,
You're a has-been who's gone,
The Grandpa Magic act sucks!
Grandpa Magic: STOP! Alright Ed, I'll show you that I have courage. Hey kids, let's all ride the Crystal Naught at Coney! Who's with me?
Everyone in the audience: BOO! You suck!
("Ballroom Blitz" by Sweet plays)
Grandpa Magic: Are you ready, McMahon? (Uh-huh) Carole? (Yeah) Sally? (Okay)
Alright, fellas. Let's gooooooo!
Well, it's been getting so hard
Living with the things you did to me, ah-ha
My dreams are getting so strange
I'd like to tell you everything I see
(At the "Crystal Naught", Joe Biden is the ticket vendor, while Chris Christie is in line to get a ticket.)
Chris Christie: I'm from New Jersey, get my f-$$ onto this rollercoaster!
Biden: You're too fat. Go stuff cotton candy in your face, you lying dog-faced pony soldier. What am I doing here a—
Grandpa Magic: (cutting through line) Okay everyone, beat it! Grandpa Magic coming through. Time to show the world that I'm MAGIC!
Now, I've got two fire extinguishers attached to my back. According to my calculations, if I let go of my seatbelt during the drop of this coaster, I will fly into the air and land into the cotton candy stand. Cotton candy will fly everywhere into the hands of the guests here, and I will be a hero. Let's do this!
Ed McMahon: Oh, brother. Not this again...
Oh, I see a man at the back
As a matter of fact, his eyes are as red as a sun
And the girl in the corner, let no one ignore her
'Cause she thinks she's the passionate one
Oh, yeah, it was like lightning
Everybody was frightening
And the music was soothing
And they all started grooving
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the man at the back said, "Everyone, attack"
And it turned into a ballroom blitz
And the girl in the corner said, "Boy, I wanna warn ya
It'll turn into a ballroom blitz"
Ballroom blitz
Ballroom blitz
Ballroom blitz
Ballroom blitz
Grandpa Magic: (settles into rollercoaster, buckles up seatbelt) Here we goooooooooo!
I'm reaching out for something
Touching nothing's all I ever do
Oh, I softly call you over
When you appear, there's nothing left of you, ah-ha
Now the man in the back is ready to crack
As he raises his hands to the sky
And the girl in the corner is everyone's mourner
She could kill you with a wink of her eye
Oh, yeah, it was electric
So frantically hectic
And the band started leaving
'Cause they all stopped breathing
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the man at the back said, "Everyone, attack"
And it turned into a ballroom blitz
And the girl in the corner said, "Boy, I wanna warn ya"
"It'll turn into a ballroom blitz"
Ballroom blitz
(The rollercoaster goes up very quickly. Just before the big drop of the rollercoaster, Grandpa Magic lights the fuses on his fire extinguishers.)
Grandpa Magic: I'm gonna make hiztoreh!
Oh, yeah, it was like lightning
Everybody was frightening
And the music was soothing
And they all started grooving
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the man at the back said, "Everyone, attack"
And it turned into a ballroom blitz
And the girl in the corner said, "Boy, I wanna warn ya
It'll turn into a ballroom blitz"
(The ride goes over the drop, then Grandpa Magic unbuckles his seatbelt and lets go of the ride.)
(The fuses go off, and Grandpa is flung into the air.)
The last words of Grandpa Magic were:
"Grandpa beats them all! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! ! ! ! !"
(Again, this was not meant to be racist.)
(Did those five exclamation points render correctly? There are supposed to be FIVE exclamation points after that closing exclamation. I hope it's rendered correctly. Oh, and it was not meant to be racist. Hey-oh!)
Grandpa Magic landed into the ocean, instead of the cotton candy stand as he had hoped, and he was never seen again.
It's, it's a ballroom blitz
It's, it's a ballroom blitz
It's, it's a ballroom blitz
Yeah, it's a ballroom blitz (to fade)
Sally Eilers: (wiping tears from her eyes) There goes a true American hero.
"G.I. Joe" Theme Song Singers:
GRANDPA...MAGIC!
A TRUE AMERICAN ANTI-HERO
Ed McMahon: Well folks, I guess the moral of the story is: Don't be like Grandpa Magic: If you do, you'll shoot yourself out of a rollercoaster and never be seen again.
We hope this parody has been a valuable public service to you. Stay safe and buckled up in automobiles, rollercoasters, theme park rides and others. Grandpa Magic didn't take that advice. You can. Always remember what is best for the people around you. It's a lesson that is easy, understanding, and effective. And with that, that does it for our show tonight.
("The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" theme playing)
Ed McMahon: Special thanks to Carole Lombard, Sally Eilers, Ed McMahon, and last and least, Grandpa Magic. I can only hope he joins the corpses down below ASAP. That could be funny on so many levels because they probably went there just to get away from him. Hey-oh! Goodnight, everybody!
(By this time, everyone in the audience has left. I suppose that's a good thing?)
DISTRIBUTED BY RIVERSIDE RECORDS AND LEO ISRAEL PRODUCTIONS. NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED. AND FINALLY, THIS WAS NOT MEANT TO BE RACIST.
REALLY, WE MEAN IT.
WHY AM I STILL WRITING ON ABOUT THIS, ANYWAY?