Chapter ?

"Ahh. What a life." Zalton laid on his couch for the first time in a while.
He had returned to Siltvelt after receiving his leave from the Shield Hero and was now relaxing in his manor, provided by his most frequent and favorite employer, the Genmu. No paper trails, no crippling debt. Not even the Genmu knew where the place was built. Whenever he had time off, this would be the place he'd go. And no one would be able to find him unless he wanted them to… until he was careless and now had a shadow tied to his bedroom door.

"Quit lying there and untie me already!" Kage groaned as she struggled to escape.

"I thought your task was to watch over the princess, and not me."

"Yin's handling that right now. And chummy or not, I'm still a shadow. I need to know if you're colluding against the Shield Hero or not."

"I would never, but for a fair reason. I did look around your castle a couple of times too. You won't believe the amount of thongs your first princess owns." Zalton shuddered.

"I'll ignore that you told me that. What is this place anyway?"

"My humble abode until I was reassigned. I do say though, the place is getting rather dusty. Someone is getting fired." Zalton grumbled. Calling upon his weapon, he cut through the ropes binding Kage.

"Rest assured, I only answer to the Shield Hero. I have no more ties with Siltvelt as long as I serve my lord."

"Delivery for Sir Veillance!" A voice yelled from the outside.

"Really… Surveillance." Kage folded her arms in disappointment.

"You'd be surprised at how many people wouldn't get it." Going downstairs, Zalton transformed into his human form and greeted the mailman. The two exchanged pleasantries, having not seen each other for a while, before waving each other goodbye, though not after leaving a hefty tip.

"It's been awhile since I got a mission."

"You get your top secret order in the public mail. What brain deficiency do you have?"

"Remind me. When did Siltvelt have their last security breach? Twenty years ago? Am I right?"

"Y-yeah." Kage relented.

"Right. Think before you talk shit." Zalton hit Kage on the head with the scroll and opened it up.

"It's been awhile, Zalton." The scroll spoke.

Kage jumped back in surprise before realizing what fell out.

The "message" was all nonsense. Just random codes and red herrings that lead nowhere. The real message came in the form of a crystal ball shard with a pre-recorded message. Simple in concept. But with its current delivery method being almost untraceable through the thousands of letters sent daily. It was a system that many shadows had adopted in order to receive order in complete secrecy.

"The method is crude but effective somehow?"

"Shush. Don't interrupt the big C."
Holding up the shard, an image of a flea appeared on the screen, with two dogs and a cat messing around in the background.

"Is that a flea?"

"Shhh."

"Since you're back home, your old nemesis is back to his old tricks. Weapons from all across Faubrey are being stolen, and they're getting on us to figure out why."

"Simple enough. You can count on me, Chief." Zalton saluted.

"Good luck, Agent Z."

The shard fell to the floor, shattering into pieces as it landed.

"Did you just salute a pre-recorded message?"

"You don't?"

"... whatever, let's just go."

"Ooh. Is this a double-threat mission I hear?"

"I would be lying if I said I wasn't curious."

"Woo. I'll grab the garb!"

"I'm not changing clothes."

"...I'll not be grabbing the garb!"

/~/

The two arrived at the enemy's base, a giant purple tower hidden in the middle of the forest. At the top of the tower, a green ray shot out and brought back a weapon mere seconds later.

"Good to be back. It's been a while since I had to scale this baby." Zatlon cracked his knuckles as he took out several daggers from his hat.

"You're going to climb?"

"Absolutely. It's a good thing I read all of that Assassin's Creed."

"That doesn't make sense. How does reading a book make you good at parkour?"

Kage didn't get an answer, as Zalton was halfway up the tower.
Using his knives, he would toss them into the sides and use them as a platform to leap off of and throw another. This method got him up the tower in record time, as he landed on the roof seconds later, facing down a rather ugly-looking human in a white coat.

"Alright, who dares enter… a platypus?"

"Oh right, I forgot to put you back on." Zalton grabbed his hat and put it back on. Making the man gasp.

"Zalton the Platypus!"

"The Good Doctor. My arch nemesis."

"We meet again under the most unusual of circumstances, yes."

"Yes."

The doctor snapped his fingers, and a golem of earth rose from the ground and wrapped Zalton within layers of plastic.

"Like it. A new invention I made is called Polythene! That 'genius' from Faubrey has nothing on me."

"Quite the trap. Thought it was rather lackluster; six out of ten for me."

"We'll see how long that sentiment lasts, as you're eaten by my sharks!"

The doctor rolled Doof over to the edge of the building and right over the water with sharks circling about.

"Oh, a new lake?"

"I had it installed last week."

"Nice." Zalton nodded.

The doctor created a platform of earth for him to lay on as he walked back over to his device. It was a metallic construct in the shape of a cannon, with several green jewels layered on the muzzle.

"Now I know you're wondering what this is. Well, allow me to introduce you to the Weapon Steal Apparatus!... Still working on that last bit. I'm thinking of shortening it. Something like… innovator? Innate… or?"

"You can workshop it later." Zalton interrupted.

"Right. Now, you're probably wondering why I'm stealing every weapon in Faubrey. Well, it all had to do with that pesky seven-star hero of the whip. We were both geniuses, friends in the field of science of innovation. But then he got the seven-star whip and suddenly thought he was better than me. Before long, he exiled me from Faubrey and became the greatest "genius" in the land. That's why I vowed to take all the weapons in Faubrey and use them to take over the TRI ST-—I mean,. The great country, FAUBREY! Now witness my victory, Zalton!"

The doctor stopped as there was a knock at the door.

"Oh, I wonder who that might be?"

The doctor opened the door, revealing Kage standing behind it.

"A shadow from Melromarc?"

"Put on the hat!" Zalton yelled.

"Do I seriously have to?"

"My mission, my rules; now put on the hat!"

Kage sighed as she complied. When she did, the doctor gasped.

"A shadow from Melromarc!"

I hate these people.

With a kick, Kage sent the doctor flying into a pile of weapons. Surprisingly however, he landed inside as if it were a pile of cotton and not pointy swords and spears.

"Didn't see you climb up with me?"

"I took the stairs like a normal person. I'm not a psycho." Kage backed up as a slash of energy flew past him.

"Haha, face the power of the holy sword!"

"Is that the holy sword Excalibur?"

"No, that's Caliburn. Honest mistake."

Zalton flipped into the air as another slash came at him. Twisting perfectly, the slash cut through his bindings, setting him free.

"I can play those games too, doctor. Face the might of-" Zalton threw his hand into another pile of weapons and pulled out a red spear.

"The Gáe Bulg!?"

"No, the Gáe Dearg. You need to study the text of past heroes more."

Another blast hit his spear, blasting it out of the building.

"Aww, man. Alright then, new weapon." Zalton took out another sword.

"I would say Gram, but I have a feeling you'll say it's actually Ascalon." Kage grumbled.

"No, you were correct. This is Gram."

"UGH!" Kage took out some knives and threw them at the doctor.

He parried the attack and fired another beam, but Zalton deflected it with his sword.

"Face the wrath of Gelipnir!"

"Not a chance, doctor. Not as long as I have the chains of heaven."

The two binding instruments touched each other and were quickly wrapped into a knot.

"You may have survived that, but not this. I use my spear that can break any shield!"

"As if. I counter with my shield that can block any spear."

The two weapons clashed, and both immediately crumbled into dust and blew away.

"...well, that was rather lackluster. Kage?"

"Hmm. These crystals have a high magical concentration. Earth affinity, to be specific. It seems he's supercharging this magic in order to replicate gravity-based magic!" Kage answered.

"Wow, she's good."

"I raised that girl." Zalton wept as he punched the doctor in the face.

"YOU DID NOT!" Kage roared. She took a deep breath before returning to the device.

"Anyway. I can cancel out the spell, then rearrange the items to reverse to propel instead of pull and-"

"It's too complicated; just activate the self-destruct sequence!" Zalton leapt off the pile of weapons and elbow-dropped the doctor.

"What idiot would add a self-destruct sequence to their evil devi-" Melanie opened the panel used to operate the ray and found a red button labeled self-destruct.

"In the name of the four heroes, let this day end already." Kage hit the button, and the device began to go haywire, firing beams in every direction and flinging off chunks of the building and weapons.

"Up we go." Kage's blush was hidden by her mask as Zalton grabbed and hoisted her over his shoulder.

Grabbing the plastic used for his trap, he leapt off the roof and aimed it at an incoming ray.

"See ya, doctor. It's been real!" The moment the beam hit, Zalton held on for dear life as the object was flung, with the two holding onto it.

"CURSE YOU, ZALTON THE PLATYPUS! AND YOU TOO, SHADOW FROM MELROMARC!" Doof yelled before the rest of the building was engulfed in a fiery explosion.

"Zalton to Chief. Mission accomplished." Zalton spoke into his arm, where a shard of a crystal ball was. The image of the same flea appeared on screen and saluted the platypus.

"Great work, Zalton. You too, Kage. Thanks to your work, all the weapons have conveniently landed back with their owners."

"How convenient." Kage rolled her eyes.

"You've earned that break of yours. Chief TUFF out!"

The image disappeared as Zalton steered the plastic parachute back to his manor.

"This whole scenario feels like a fever dream."

"Obviously. What dream isn't one?"

"What are you… That makes perfect sense now."

/~/

Kage suddenly woke up and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thank god that nightmare is over."

"Nightmare?"

Kage looked over to Zalton chilling on his couch. She also looked down, noticing that she was still tied to the door.

"Nevermind, it's still ongoing."

Not having the energy to deal with this. Kage closed her eyes and immediately went back to sleep.

"Weird."

"Delivery for Sir Veillance!" A voice at the door announced.

"Ok, my day off? Damn you, chief." Zalton grumbled.

/~/

April Fools chapter. Actual chapter coming as regularly scheduled