As Akira, Makoto, Whitmeyer and the courier descended the hill Mojave Outpost was on, they-
…
…
…
Suddenly, Akira and the courier found themselves floating in a featureless void.
"The heck?" Akira glanced at the courier expectantly.
"I dunno either," he shrugged.
Yeah, this one's on the author.
The courier looked around, slightly nervous. "Who said that?"
Me. The narrator. Hello.
"What did you do?" Akira demanded, unholstering the pistol in a futile attempt to be threatening.
I didn't do anything. The game just crashed, and you, as the two canon protagonists, got put in this void by the author for one reason or another. April Fools.
"It's November," the courier pointed out.
Not where I'm standing.
"Okay, so what now?" Akira said.
Honestly? The plan is to bug you for funny reactions until the game restarts. Probably until we reach a 1000 word mark.
"And how many do we have now?"
"One hundred and fifty eight."
"Kuso," Akira cursed.
Look, this is chapter 34, just be glad the author didn't go with a Rule 34 joke.
The courier raised an eyebrow. "A what now?"
"Don't ask," Akira rubbed his eyes in frustration, familiar with the term thanks to Futaba. "Just keep yapping until we cross the threshold and get out of here."
"Okay." The courier thought for a moment about what to say. "So, why did the game crash?"
Probably due to the hundreds of mods the author installed.
"And why would he do that if it makes the game crash?" Akira asked, confused.
For minor graphical improvements, bug fixes, and more content. Also, guns. Like, literally hundreds of them. There will be a tally in the author's note at the bottom.
"Oh my," Akira muttered.
"What's the point?" the courier asked. "No way in hell they'll all be used."
With how long this story drags on, they just might. Whoever decided spreading all Phantom Thieves plus Akechi around the area was a good idea should turn in their writing license, I swear.
…
Also, a few of those guns are grenade launchers for Haru, and I for one cannot wait until she gets her hands on one.
"Sure," Akira threw his hands up in the air. "Why not. This can't get any more out of control, can it?"
"You're tempting fate, kid," the courier told him.
…
…
…
You gonna say something? This is awfully boring for an April Fool's chapter.
"You put us on the spot," Akira protested. "I can't just flip a switch and be funny, you know."
Well, if you don't flip it right now, I'll spawn a five-meter-tall fire-breathing gecko. It's already in the game files, just waiting.
"Why won't you say something funny then?" the courier retorted. "Like, you can make a joke and we can play the straight men."
Eh, in this format the only jokes I can do are either 'self-deprecation' and 'power trip', and I just did both. Also, neither of you is straight.
"I mean, I slept with a few guys and girls, so I'm not really gay either," the courier shrugged. "Plus, getting intimate with both sexes lets you know where their weak spots are, in combat and in bed."
Akira tilted his head a bit. "Uh, what?"
The courier grabbed his Pip-Boy and navigated to a tab Akira didn't see earlier, labeled Perks. "Huh," he remarked, "I do not recognize most of those."
The cursor was at the top of the list, on Ace Tools. The thumbnail image depicted a black cat showing a Vault Boy with Akira's hair and glasses how to craft some, well, tools. The description read: Morgana has shown you how to create all sorts of gadgets for infiltrating Palaces. They might come in handy in the Mojave as well!
"They're from my game, it's fine," Akira reassured him.
"I should've guessed." The courier scrolled down to find the perk(s) he was looking for. "Confirmed Bachelor, 10% damage to guys. And let me just…" He scrolled a bit further down. "Yep, Lady Killer, same as me. 10% damage to girls."
For the Persona 5 fans in the audience, those are actual canon perks in New Vegas.
"What about enbies?" Akira asked.
"Enbies?"
"Like, people that don't identify with male or female gender."
"Ah. Dunno, I didn't fight enough of them." The courier fiddled with his Pip-Boy some more. "Let's check out your SPECIAL stats."
"Special stats?"
"SPECIAL. Capital letters," the courier glanced at him. "Strength, Perception, Endurance, Charisma, Intelligence, Agility and Luck, all between 1 and 10."
"Someone really wanted them to spell out a word, I guess."
The courier glanced back at the Pip-Boy, but instead of the expected seven stats, he saw five.
Charm: Debonair Proficiency: Transcendent Guts: Lionhearted Kindness: Angelic Knowledge: Erudite.
For the New Vegas fans in the audience, that's maxed out stats across the board.
"Yeah, I was about to ask," the courier remarked. "Numbers would be much more readable at a glance."
"Look, my UI had a radar chart with five points to show the values," Akira protested.
"That scans," the courier nodded. "The Pip-Boy user interface was always kinda trash. I had a Mark IV, before the Khans stole it from my cold near-dead hand, and I had to get some third-party patches for it just to declutter the 'Misc' tab."
"Yeah, I'm sure Futaba will squeeze more out of this device once she gets her hands on it."
…
…
…
Come on, guys. You're in the homestretch.
"What do you want me to do, do a song and dance?" the courier huffed.
No, those don't really work in a written medium.
"You know what?" Akira stepped forward. "I'm done playing along. This isn't a video game, this is a fanfic. There is no save to get reloaded, and the thousand-word mark is completely fucking arbitrary. I fought a god to a standstill, I am not scared of giant geckos or whatever abomination you throw at me."
Three more.
"Uno, dos, tres," the courier proclaimed. "Fuck you."
Akira turned to him. "What language was that?"
"Spanish. I speak some. There are some little towns in Nevada and Cali where it gets you further than English."
Right, so that's that. The save's about to get reloaded. Mr Amamiya, Mr Celinski, I bid you farewell.
"What did you just call me-"
Akira and the courier found themselves back in the Mojave, right under the Reunification Monument.
Makoto realized something's off. "Is everything alright?"
"Yeah…" the courier replied, with an uncharacteristic lack of confidence. "I just… had some out-of-body experience with Akira or whatever."
"It happens sometimes," Akira shrugged. "By the way, the… whoever that was called you 'Celinski'. Could that possibly be your forgotten surname?"
"Maybe?" The courier scratched his head. "But stick to calling me 'Courier' for now."
You can tell this is an April Fools' chapter because it did not take me two fucking months to write it XD
Anyway, the tally, as promised. I might have screwed the numbers up because I counted them haphazardly and did not remove duplicates across different mods, but it adds up to around 200ish one way or another. Those are all guns, energy weapons, and grenade launchers (but not grenades), not counting melee weapons, thrown grenades, or uniques (which would probably push it to 300 or so).
Another Millenia – 50
Another Millenia Gun Add-on – 37
Classic Fallout Weapons Remastered – 38
Tactapack – 23
THEZOMX Weapons All-in-One – 18
ZL Armaments Remastered – 18
Cowboy Weapons Pack – 14
Supplementary Weapons Pack – 10
Various Hitman guns (Explosives, Crossbow, RPD, Kriss Vector) – 7
SiouX Weapons Reloaded – 4
Various NS guns (MP40, Whitney Wolverine, Bolt-Action Shotgun) – 3
C0nzo's 25mm Grenade Launcher – 1