a year and a couple of months after they left

February, 2007

…

I never believed the day would come when I would finally feel at peace for my decision. I never believed I would accept the fact that I deserved more than the cold shoulder of my first love, Edward Cullen, a vampire. I never would've believed he would've come after me because I became allies with his family's mortal enemies. I would've never believed you if you told me I would be here holding the hand of my human husband looking out at a yard with running and laughing children.

Surrounded by people that put their lives on the line for my sister's life, for my life.

Saturday morning, I woke up to the morning light that seemed oddly bright. I sat upright with a quiet mind and tension in my neck and shoulders. I stretched and leaned back against my headboard and looked around my bedroom. It was just the same way I had left it. Expect for my high school diploma propped up on my desk next to my laptop that had been an anonymous graduation gift. I didn't think too much of it, I emailed Renee and let Alessia use it for school.

I jumped to my alarm clock blaring and shut it off with irritation out of reaction to being startled by the electronic device. I got ready for a shift at Newtons and left the house to the sky releasing heavy rain that was difficult to see through.

"Bella, why don't you take off," Mr. Newton suggested, his eyes focused off to the side, not really looking at me. I wondered how long that had been going on without me noticing.

It's a slow afternoon at Newton's. At the moment there were only two patients in the store, dedicated backpackers from the sound of their conversation. Mr. Newton had spent the last hour going through the pros and cons of two brands of lightweight packs with them. But they'd taken a break from serious pricing to indulge in trying to gain an advantage over each other with their latest takes from the trail. Their distraction had given him a chance to escape.

"I don't mind staying," I said. "I need the hours."

I still haven't been able to sink back into my protective layer of numbness, and everything seemed oddly close and loud today, like I'd taken cotton out of my ears. I tried to tune out the laughing hikers with no success.

The thickest man of the two, orange bread that didn't match his brown hair said, "I'm telling you I've seen grizzlies pretty close up in Yellowstone, but they had nothing on this brute." His hair was matted, and his clothes looked like they'd been on his back for more than a few days. Fresh from the mountains.

"Not a chance. Black bears don't get that big. The grizzlies you saw were probably cubs." The second man was tall and lean, his face fanned, and wind whipped into an impressive leathery crust.

"Seriously, Bella, as soon as these two finish up. I'm closing up the place for the day," Mr. Newton murmured.

"Okay, I guess if you want me to go then..." I shrugged.

"On all fours it was taller than you," the bearded Man insisted while I gathered my things together. "Big as a house and pitch-black. I'm going to report it the ranger here. People ought to be warned – this wasn't up on the mountain, mind you – this was only a few miles from the trailhead."

Leather face laughed and rolled his eyes, "Let me guess. You were on your way in? Hadn't eaten real food or slept off the ground in a week, right?"

"Hey, uh, Mr. Newton?" the breaded man called, looking towards us.

"See you on Tuesday," I sighed.

"Yes, sir?" Mr. Newton inquired, turning away.

"Say, have there been any warnings around here recently – about black bears?"

"No, sir. But it's always good to keep your distance and store your food correctly. Have you seen the new bear-safe canisters? They only weigh two pounds…"

The doors slid open to let me out into the rain. I hunched over inside my jacket as I dashed for my truck. The rain hammering against the hood sounded unusually loud, too, but soon the roar of the engine drowned out everything else.

I didn't want to go back to Charlie's empty three-bedroom house. Last night had been particularly brutal, and I had no desire to revisit the scene of the suffering. Even after the pain has subsided enough for me to sleep, it wasn't over. Like I'd told Jessica after the movie, there was never any doubt that I would have nightmares.

I always have nightmares now, every night. Not nightmares really, not in the plural, because it was always the same nightmare. You'd think I'd get bored after so many months, grow immune to it. But the dream never failed to horrify to me and only ended with me screaming. Charlie doesn't come in to see me what was wrong anymore, to make sure no intruder was strangling me or something like that—he was used to it by now. Alessia, my baby sister, doesn't check on me either, she never did—actually…

My nightmare wouldn't even frighten someone else. There was nothing, really. Only nothing. Just the endless maze of moss-covered trees, so quiet that the silence was an uncomfortable pressure against my eardrums that made them ring. It was dark, like dusk on a thickly clouded day, with only enough light to see that there was nothing to see. I hurried through the gloom without a path, always searching, searching, getting more frantic as the time stretched on, trying to move faster, though the speed made me clumsy… Then there would come the point in my dream – and I could feel it coming now but could never seem to wake myself up before it hit – when I couldn't remember what it was for which I was searching. When I realized that there was nothing to search for, and nothing to find anymore.

There never had been anything more than just this empty, dreary woods, and there never would be anything more for me. There was just nothing… that was usually about when the screaming started.

I wasn't paying attention to where I was driving – just wandering through empty, wet side roads as I avoided the ways that would take me home – because I didn't have anywhere to go.

I wished I could feel numb again, but I couldn't remember how I'd managed it before. The nightmare was nagging at the corners of my mind and making me think about things that would cause me pain. I didn't want to remember the forest. Even as I shuddered away from the images, I felt my eyes brimming with tears and the aching begin around the edges of the hole in my chest.

As if he'd never existed. Just words, just letters forming words into a sentence, but they ripped the hole wide open, and I stomped on the brake, knowing I should not drive while this incapacitated. I pulled over to the shoulder of the road.

…

Bella's Memory of September 13th, 2005

…

I was ninety-nine-point nine percent sure I was dreaming. The reasons I was so certain were that one, I was standing in a bright shaft of sunlight—the kind of bright clear sun that never shone on my drizzly new hometown in Forks, Washington—and two, I was looking at my Grandma Marie. Gran had been dead for six years now, so that was solid evidence toward the dream theory. Gran hadn't changed much; her face looked just the same as I remembered it. The skin was soft and withered, bent into a thousand tiny creases that clung gently to the bone underneath. Like a dried apricot, but with a puff of thick white hair standing out in a cloud around it.

Our mouths—hers a wizened pucker—stretched into the same surprised half-smile at just the same time. Apparently, she hadn't been expecting to see me, either. I was about to ask her a question; I had so many—What was she doing here in my dream? What had she been up to in the past six years? Was Pop okay, and had they found each other, wherever they were? —but she opened her mouth when I had, so I stopped to let her go first. She paused, too, and then we both smiled at the little awkwardness.

"Bella?"

It wasn't Gran who called my name, and we both turned to see the addition to our small reunion. I didn't have to look to know who it was; this was a voice I would know anywhere-know, and respond to, whether I was awake or asleep or even dead, I'd bet. The voice I'd walk through fire for—or, less dramatically, slosh every day through the frigid air and endless rain for.

Edward.

I am always thrilled to see him—conscious or otherwise—and even though I was almost positive that I was dreaming, I panicked as Edward walked towards us through the blinding sun. I panicked because Gran didn't know that I was in love with a vampire—nobody knew that—so how was I supposed to explain the fact that the brilliant sunbeams were shattering off his flesh into a million rainbow shards like he was made of crystal or diamond?

What is he doing? The whole reason he lived in Forks, the rainiest place in the world, was so that he could be outside in the daytime without exposing his family's secret. Yet here he is, strolling gracefully toward me with the most beautiful smile on his angel's face—as if I were the only one here in this green meadow. In that second, I wished that I was not the one exception to his mysterious talent; I usually felt grateful that I was the only person whose thoughts he couldn't hear just as clearly as if they were spoken aloud.

But now I wished he could hear me, too, so that he could hear the warning I was screaming in my head. I shot a panicked glance back at Gran and saw that it was too late. She was just turning to stare back at me, her eyes as alarmed as mine. Edward still smiling so beautifully that my heart felt like it was going to swell up and burst through my chest-put his arm around my shoulder and turned to face my grandmother. Gran's expression surprised me. Instead of looking horrified, she was staring back at me sheepishly, as if waiting for a scolding. And she was standing in such a strange position one arm held awkwardly away from her body, stretched out and then curled around the air. Like she had her arm around someone invisible…

Only then, as I looked at the bigger picture, did I notice the huge gilt frame that enclosed my grandmother's form. Uncomprehending, I raised the hand that wasn't wrapped around Edward's waist and reached out to touch her. She mimicked the movement exactly, mirrored it.

Where our fingers should have met, there was nothing but cold glass.

With a whiplashing jolt, my dream abruptly became a nightmare.

There was no Gran.

That was me.

Me in the mirror.

Me—ancient, weakened, and withered. Edward stood beside me, casting no reflection, excruciatingly lovely and forever seventeen.

He pressed his perfect, frigid lips against my wasted cheek. He whispered in my ear, "Happy birthday."

My eyelids popped wide open as I woke up with a start, and gasped. The familiar dull gray light of an overcast morning replaced the glaring sunlight in my dream.

I had to tell myself that it was only a dream. I took a deep breath and then jumped again when my alarm went off. The little calendar in the corner of the alarm clock display told me that today was September thirteenth.

Today is my birthday. I am officially eighteen years old. I've been dreading this day for months.

All through the perfect summer—the happiest summer I had ever had, the happiest summer anyone ever had, and the rainiest summer in the history of the Olympic Peninsula—this bleak date had lurked in ambush, waiting to spring.

Not even my baby sister's arrival when she moved to Forks over the summer could keep me from dreading this day. Just the thought of her turning sixteen in early April was making me feel… worse.

And now that it has finally come, it was even worse than I had expected it to be. I can feel it—I am older. Every day I get older, but this was different, worse, quantifiable. I am eighteen.

And Edward would never be… eighteen.

When I looked at myself in the mirror when I brushed my teeth waiting for the water to heat up in the shower, I was almost surprised that my face hadn't changed. I stared at myself, looking for some sign of impending wrinkles in my ivory skin. The only creases were the ones on my forehead, though, and I knew that if I could manage to relax, they would disappear. I couldn't relax. My eyebrows stayed lodged in a worried line over my anxious brown eyes.

I had to remind myself again that my dream was just a dream. Just a dream… but also my worst nightmare.

I skipped breakfast, in a hurry to get out of the house as quickly as possible. I wasn't entirely able to escape, since I have to take my baby sister, Alessia, to school with me. So, I had to spend a few minutes acting cheerful, I honestly tried to be excited about the gifts I'd asked them not to get me. But every time I had to smile, it felt like I might've started crying, I struggled to get myself together before getting into the truck to drive to school.

The vision of Gran—I would not think of it as me—was hard to get out of my head. I couldn't feel anything but despair until I pulled into the familiar parking lot behind Forks High School and spotted Edward leaning motionlessly against his polished silver Volvo. He looked like a marble tribute to some forgotten pagan god of beauty. The dream had done him no justice, and he was waiting for me, just the same as every other day.

Despair momentarily vanished; wonder took its place, even after half a year with him, I still couldn't believe that I deserved this degree of good fortune.

His sister Alice was standing by his side, waiting for me, too. Of course Edward and Alice weren't really related (in Forks the story was that all the Cullen siblings were adopted by Dr. Carlisle Cullen and his wife, Esme, both plainly too young to have teenage children), but their skin was precisely the same pale shade, their eyes had the same strange golden tint, with the same deep, bruise-like shadow underneath them. Her face, like his, was also startlingly beautiful. To someone in the know-someone like me these similarities marked them for what they were. The sight of Alice waiting there-her tawny eyes brilliant with excitement, and a small silver-wrapped square in her hands-made me frown. I'd told Alice I didn't want anything, anything, not gifts or even attention, for my birthday.

Obviously, my wishes were being ignored. I slammed the door of my '53 Chevy truck—a shower of rust specks fluttered down to the wet blacktop—and walked slowly toward where they waited. I looked after the direction Alessia went, surprisingly walking through the crowd with her nose in her copy of Pride and Prejudice, the spine of the book was withered and holey. Her hair was just like mine, down and thick, her hair was longer though, it passed her waist. She looked up before she tripped over the curb of the sidewalk and gave her full attention to her current path into the school.

Alice skipped forward to meet me, her pixie face glowing under her spiky black hair.

"Happy birthday, Bella!"

"Shh!" I hissed, panicked, glancing around the lot to make sure no one had heard her. The last thing I wanted was some kind of celebration of the black curtain and carpet event.

She ignored me, as expected, "Do you want to open your present now or later?" she asked eagerly as we made our way towards my boyfriend.

"No presents," I protested in a grumble.

Alice finally processed my mood. "Okay… later, then. Did you like the scrapbook your mom sent you? And the camera from Charlie? What about Jane Eyre from Alessia?"

I sighed. Of course she would know what my birthday presents were. Edward wasn't the only member of his family with unusual skills. Alice would have "seen" what everyone had planned as soon as they decided themselves. Subjective vision based off mental decisions.

"Yeah. They're great."

"I think it's a nice idea. You're only a senior once. Might as well document the experience."

"How many times have you been a senior?"

"That's different."

"How?"

We reached Edward then, and he held out his hand for mine. I took it eagerly, forgetting, for a moment, my glum mood. His skin was smooth, hard, and very icy, as always, he gave my fingers a gentle squeeze. I gazed into his liquid topaz eyes, and my heart was not so gentle. Hearing the stutter in my heartbeats, he smiles again, he lifted his free hand and traced one cool fingertip around the outside of my lips as he spoke.

"So, as discussed, I am not allowed to wish you a happy birthday, is that correct?"

"Yes. That is correct." I could never mimic the flow of his perfect, formal articulation. You definitely had to be in an earlier century to pick up smoothly.

"Just checking." He ran his hand through his tousled bronze hair. "You could have changed your mind. Most people seem to enjoy things like birthdays and gifts."

Alice laughed, and the sound was all silver, like a wind chime. "Of course you'll enjoy it. Everyone is supposed to be nice to you today and give you your way, Bella. What's the worst that could happen?" She meant it as a rhetorical question.

Getting older. And if I'm supposed to get my way, then I'm guessing I'm allowed to request to lose my virginity to Edward since it's my birthday.

"Getting older," I replied, and my voice was not as steady as I wanted it to be.

From beside me, Edward's smile tightened into a hard line.

"Eighteen isn't very old," Alice said. "Don't women usually wait till they're twenty-nine to get upset over birthdays?"

"It's older than Edward," I muttered.

He sighed.

"Technically," she said, keeping her tone light. "Just by one little year, though."

And I suppose… if I was sure of the future I wanted, sure that I wanted to spend forever with Edward, and Alice and the rest of the Cullen's (preferably not as a wrinkled little old lady) … than a year or two in different directions wouldn't matter so much to me. But he is so against any future that indicating changing me. Any future that made me like him—that could make me immortal, too. He calls it an impasse.

I couldn't see his point on the subject. I didn't see the thrill of mortality. What was so great about mortality? Aging? Dying? I shuddered at the thought. Being a vampire didn't look like such a terrible thing—not the way the Cullen's lived their immortal lives, anyway.

"What time will you be at the house?" Alice continued, changing the subject.

From her expression, she was up to something. The exact kind of thing I'd been hoping to avoid.

"I didn't know I had plans to be there."

"Oh, be fair, Bella!" Alice complained. "You aren't going to ruin all of our fun like that, are you?"

"I thought my birthday was about what I wanted."

"I'll get her from Charlie's right after school," Edward told her, ignoring me altogether.

"I have to work," I, quickly, protested.

"You don't, actually," Alice told me smugly, "I already spoke to Mrs. Newton about it. She's trading your shifts, and she said to tell you 'Happy Birthday'."

"I-I still can't come over t-tonight," I stammered, scrambling for an excuse. "I, well, I haven't watched Romeo and Juliet yet for English. And I promised to hang out with Alessia."

Alice snorted, "You have Romeo and Juliet memorized. And since when do you give Alessia any time of day?"

That one hurt. But naturally being the older sister, Alessia and I don't see eye to eye, ever. But I could try… to find a way to not end a conversation without ending in slamming doors and a concerned and flustered Charlie Swan.

"But Mr. Berty said we needed to see if performed to fully appreciate it—how Shakespeare intended it to be presented."

Edward rolled his eyes.

Alice gave me an accusing gaze, "You've already seen the movie."

"But not the nineteen-sixties version. Mr. Berty said it was the best."

Alice, finally, lost the smug smile and glare at me. "This can be really easy, or this can be really hard, Bella, but either way—"

Edward cut off her threat, "Relax, Alice. If Bella wants to watch a movie, the she can. It's her birthday."

"So there," I tormented.

"I'll bring her around seven," he continued. "That will give you more time to set up."

Alice's laughter chimed again, "Sounds good. See you then, Bella! It'll be fun, you'll see," she grinned—the wide smile exposed her perfect, glistening teeth—then pecked me on the cheek, and danced off towards her first hour class before I could respond.

"Edward, please—" I started to plea, but he pressed his cool lips to my forehead.

"Let's discuss it later. We're going to be late for class."

As the day progresses I weighed my options on ways to get out of whatever Alice was planning at the Cullen house tonight. I was in the mood to mourn, not to celebrate. But then there was the attention and gifts. But—even worse than that—if I could myself out of tonight; I would have to spend my time with Alessia and I wasn't looking forward to it, but I would accept it over whatever… awaited me.

Attention was never a good thing, an any other accident-prone klutz would agree. No one wants a spotlight when they're likely to fall on their face. And I had pointedly requested—well, demanded, actually—that no one give me any presents this year. It looked like Charlie and Renee, and Alessia weren't the only ones who had decided to ignore that.

I never had that much money, and it never bothered me. Renee has raised Alessia and me on a kindergarten teacher's salary. Charlie wasn't getting rich at his job, either—he is the police chief here in the tiny town of Forks. My income came from the three days a week, I worked part time at the local sporting goods store. In this small town, I was lucky to have a job, every penny I make goes into my, surprisingly existent, college fund.

Edward thinks I am difficult when it comes to money, gifts, dates in expensive restaurants in Seattle, cars or my college tuition. How could I let him give me things when I had nothing reciprocate with? He wants to be with me, for some unfathomable reason. Anything he gave me threw us our of balance.

The afternoon passed quickly and school ended. Edward walked me to my truck as he usually did. Alessia hung back with her nose in her book again.

When we stopped by my door at the truck, he reached out to take my face in his hands. He handled me very carefully, pressing just the tips of his fingers softly against my temples, my cheekbones, my jawline. Like I was breakable, in this case, compared to him, I was.

"You should be in a good mood, today of all days," he whispered, his sweet breathe fanned across my face.

"And if I don't want to be in a good mood?" I asked, my breathing was uneven.

His golden eyes smoldered, "Too bad."

My head was already spinning when he leaned closer and pressed his icy lips against mine. As he intended, I forgot all about my worries, and concentrated on remembering how to breathe properly. His mouth lingered on mine, cold and smooth and gentle, until the abrupt slam of Alessia's door just as I went to wrap my arms around his neck. I felt his lips curve upwards as he let go of my face.

If Edward drew many careful lines for our physical relationship, with the intent to keep me alive. Alessia always made her presence known if she deemed too far. And though I respected the need for maintaining and a safe distance between my skin and his razor-sharp, venom-coated teeth, I tended to forget about that when he was kissing me. But I also didn't like that my sister decides when too far was too far for me in own relationship.

"Be good, please," he breathed against my cheek. He pressed his lips gently to mine one more time and then pulled away, "She's only fifteen."

"Right," I grumbled, remembering Alessia.

The drive home was quiet and neither Alessia, and I made the attempt at conversation. However, things were brighter when I saw Edward waiting for me when I parked in the driveway at home. Alessia went straight for the house after snagging my keys from me as soon as I took them out of the ignition.

"Sorry, gotta call Quil." She was slamming the passenger door before I could even say anything.

Quil, Jacob Blacks friend, Jacob is Charlie's childhood friend's son. They live in La Push near the reservation. I don't know what it was between them, but they started calling each other every day since the second week of August.

"Let's go watch the Capulets and Montague's hack each other, all right?" I asked Edward adjusting my backpack on my shoulder.

"Your wish, my command."

Edward sprawled across the couch while I started the movie. I perched on the edge of the couch in front of him, he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me against his chest. It wasn't exactly as comfortable as a sofa cushion would be, but it was preferable. He pulled the old quilt off the back of the couch and draped it over me so I wouldn't freeze beside him. The movie captured my interest, thanks to Edwards hugs involvement in whispering Romeo's lines in my ear—his irresistible, velvet voice made the actors voice sound weak in comparison. I cried, to his amusement, when Juliet woke and found her new husband dead.

"It's something I had to think about once, and I knew from Carlisle's experience that it wouldn't be simple. I'm not even sure how many ways Carlisle tried to kill himself in the beginning,… after he realized what he'd become…" His voice, which had grown serious, turned light again. "And he's clearly still in excellent health."

I twisted around so that I could read his face. "What are you talking about?" I demanded. "What do you mean this is something you had to think about once?"

"Last spring, when you were… nearly killed .." He paused to take a deep breath, struggling to return to his teasing tone. "Of course I was trying to focus on finding you alive, but part of my mind was making contingency plans. Like I said, it's not as easy for me as it is for a human."

For one moment, the memory of my last trip to Phoenix washed through my head and made me dizzy. I could see it all so clearly-the blinding sun, the heat waves coming off the concrete as I ran with desperate haste to find the sadistic vampire who wanted to torture me to death. James, waiting in the mirrored room with my mother as his hostage—or so I'd thought. I hadn't known it was all a ruse. Just as James hadn't known that Edward was racing to save me; Edward made it in time, but it had been a close one. Without thinking, my fingers traced the crescent-shaped scar on my wrist that was always just a few degrees cooler than the rest of my flesh.

I shook my head—as if I could shake away the bad memories—and tried to grasp what Edward meant. My stomach twisted, uncomfortably. Then suddenly, he pulled himself up into a more formal posture, shifting me to the side so that we were no longer touching.

"Alessia? Charlie?" I guessed.

Edward smiled. After a brief moment, Alessia was coming downstairs, reading again, as I heard the sound of the police cruiser pulling into the driveway. I reached out and took Edwards hand firmly. My dad could deal with that much.

Charlie came in with a pizza box in his hands.

"Hey, kids," He grinned at me. "I thought you'd like a break from cooking and washing dishes for your birthday. Hungry?"

"Sure. Thanks, Dad."

Charlie didn't comment on Edwards' lack of appetite anymore. He was used to Edward passing on dinner.

"Do you mind if I borrow Bella for the evening?" Edward asked when Charlie, Alessia and I were done eating.

"No." Alessia mumbled, getting up from the table.

I ignored her and looked at Charlie, hopefully. Did he have come concept of birthday stay-at-home, family affairs—this was my first birthday with him, the first birthday since my mom had remarried and gone to live in Florida, so I didn't know what he would expect.

That's fine—the Mariners are playing the Sox tonight." Charlie explained, and my hope disappeared, "So I won't be any kind of company," Alessia's door closing upstairs made her stand on tonight, Charlie sighs, "… Here." He scooped up the camera he'd gotten me on Renée's suggestion (because I would need pictures to fill up my scrap book) and tossed to me.

He ought to know better than that—I have always been coordinately challenged. The camera glimpsed off the tip of my finger and tumbled toward the floor. Edward snagged it before it could crash onto the linoleum.

"Nice save," Charlie noted. "If they're doing something fun at the Cullen's' tonight, Bella, you should take some pictures. You know how your mother gets—she'll be wanting to see the pictures faster than you can take them."

"Good idea, Charlie," Edward said, handing me the camera.

I turned the camera on Edward, and snapped the first picture, "It works."

"That's good. Hey, say hi to Alice for me. She hasn't been over in a while," Charlie frowned crookedly.

"It's been three days, Dad," I remained him. "I'll tell her."

"Okay. You kids have fun tonight," It was a clear dismissal since he was already edging towards the living room and the television.

Edward smiled in triumph and took my hand to pull me from the kitchen.

…

That seemed like it was forever ago, well it was kind of forever ago. That was more than a year ago, I'm nineteen now, high school graduate, and I am still working at Newtons, but full time, five days a week. I could not think about it too much anymore. I curled in on myself, pressing my face against the steering wheel and trying to learn how to breathe without lungs. I wondered how long this could last.