Dear wtfft,

It's been a while. Well, maybe not for you, I guess, but for me it's been a few weeks. Let me catch you up. Right now, this is my team:

Quilava: Combustion (male)

Luxio: Striker (female)

Staravia: Hurricane (female)

Bibarel: Breaker (male)

Abra: Nen (male)

Notice anything different? All of my Pokémon evolved! Yup, that's right! I hunted the pokemon out in the fieldlands to near fucking extinction! I also caught an Abra recently. You'll see him up there listed as Nen. Look, don't judge me, but back in my time, there was this really successful movie trilogy called "The Malice." Basically, it was about this one coding dude who found out that the entire fucking world is a simulation and...escaped. I really hope it exists in your time. How stupid would it be if it changed though? Like, if it was "The Matrix" or some dumbass shit like that? Anyway, there was this one line from the trilogy where some kid tells the main character, Nen, that "there is no fork...". Abra, at final evolution, has a shit ton of spoons, and I thought that was close enough.

Anyhow, I finally got off my lazy, abusive ass and crossed the bridge from the main area I was h̶u̶n̶t̶i̶ catching to the weird island thing in the middle of the region. Being the total badass I am, I started to wipe the floor with a shit ton of Pokémon. I keep having this recurring problem where Pokémon would faint, and right before I can catch them...they disappear. I don't know what the fuck's going on, but this is some "off my meds" type shit. I even brought over Akari—to her annoyance—and she wasn't exactly sure either. Professor Laventon says he'll look into it, but so far, no dice. Also, it's getting fucking hard to keep my Pokémon reined in. I got a second star though, so there's that!

So I arrived at this clearing-type place on the weird island thing and saw an alpha Kricketune. Some pompous chick stopped me from DOMINATING that piece of insect crap and had the gall to say that I wasn't strong enough. ME! Suffice it to say, I wiped the floor with her.

After getting her ass beaten, stir-fried, slow-roasted, and served on a silver fucking platter, she asked me to help her out. Arrogant bitch...would still hit that though. But that's besides the point. She said that she was trying to set up a second camp and that the previously mentioned pest was keeping her from doing so. I, naturally, suggested I step in...for a price. I got away from that fight feeling satisfied with beating the ever-living shit out of an alpha as well as getting 7,000 pokedollars. Special advantage from being the son of a con man! I wrapped that up and, in the literal fucking second that I blinked, construction people spawned. Like...spawned. I don't know how or why, but when I looked at Mai (the bitch), she just shook her head...

Now we get to my time at the village! Recently, I discovered that, if I lend some of my Pokémon to the farms in the village, I can get a share of the crops! Unpaid labor for the win! Aren't Pokémon just great? So I donated some of my more useless Pokémon to the effort and walked around. Enter weird stalker girl from Galaxy Team. That's right. I got a gender. I saw some long hair flowing out from behind the hood she wears. Confirmed: the stalker is a girl. I'm debating whether or not to confront her, but I'd rather not. Having to bring a beaten-up Galaxy chick to Akari seems like a great way to get my ass handed to me by her.

Speaking of cute chicks, Irida. Like, a week ago, old man Kamado called me up to his office to discuss some important political matters—or so he said. When I arrived, I was greeted by old man Kamado, a gym bro in blue, and a barely legal chick in pink. Yes, this is how I'm describing them; no, I will not change anything about this. I'll summarize the conversation for you, though. The gym bro in blue is Adaman, and he's apparently the leader of some religious faction (sounds like a cult) that deifies some time god thing. Same thing with the barely legal chick, except her name is Irida and her faction's shit is all about a space god. They reign over the diamond and pearl clans, respectively. This is gonna take some time and a lot of hand cramps to write out, so bear with me.

There are weird aristocrats to the Pokémon species called Nobles. Yeah. Pokemon pull fucking rank. Don't ask me why; they just do. So, apparently the clans each handle half of the total amount of Nobles, taking care of them and shit like that. Nobles will have kids, and that kid will then become the next Noble (ideally). The people who manage the Nobles are called wardens. Makes the concept of pokemon management look a lot darker, huh? So I guess one Noble caught rabies or some shit like that? The warden responsible for him, Liam, is of the pearl clan and demanded that the Galaxy team help. There was this big argument, and old man Kamado stayed sitting on his lazy ass and chose to send me, the noob. I don't know why the fuck he's the leader of the Galaxy team. Makes no fucking sense to me.

Now, unfortunately, the Noble in question is on the farthest island in the Obsidian Fieldlands, and I really don't want to move on from the middle island just yet. I guess I'll just hang around the second camp and find the balls to do it. Who knows? I might get a motorbike or some shit like that in the meantime. Anyway, this was a long one. I really need to update this damned thing more. Seeya later wtfft!

Yes. Yes, I did shamelessly plug in an ad. But no I'm not being paid for it. If you don't get the reference, go watch the Matrix trilogy. Like, right fucking now. It's good for, like, science fiction and action fans. Trust me, you won't regret it. That's my piece for the day. Sorry for not updating more often. I know I said that it would be inconsistent but I didn't think I would be forced to write out such a long ass paragraph to catch your geeky asses up. Again, comment, forum, or dm me if you find anything you want me to fix or have any writing suggestions. Don't do any of those things if you're just gonnna fucking complain about my cussing and shit. There was a disclaimer. Nice seeing you guys. Thank you for reading!

- Ihmp (the lazy asshole)

For all of you who just got the notification for changes made, I just fixed some shit like replacing certain words and phrasing to make it look better. No I didn't change any of the cussing. That would be like altering my very heart. Jokes aside, you don't have to reread it if you don't want to. The previous version should've at least gotten the point across so yeah. Like I said, thanks for reading and I'll see you at the next one!

...oh my god I sound like a fucking youtuber. Where has my writing style gone?

-Ihmp (the douchey don of dookie)