18 times Christmas, a dark angel fanfic

The first Christmas after the kidnapping was hard. Alec was in pain, he had pain in places that could only be injured if something had happened that noone want to remember. Was that why he didn't remember? He remembered Martha. She had been kind to him, this time and before, and she had made a sacrifice for which he would never be able to thank her. Alec cried for her, he was angry and sad, he was troubled and searched for explanations he could only find within himself. Every year he would dedicate these weeks over the New Year to her. During every year, he would delve deeper into his memory and, every year, try to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

S1 Alec: "The pain will pass."

Again these weeks leading up to the New Year, like the year before, he needed time. Time for the try to remember. All year he had had these flashbacks. Disjointed and confusing. He and Max had brought the children to safety and buried Logan. It was a year full of grief. At the moment, it was mostly Max who was grieving, but like every year, Alec took the weeks over Christmas and New Year to continue working on his memory.

S2B0 Alec: "The grief will pass"

The laptop from the ruins where Logan died. He had retrieved the laptop, one of the last pieces of evidence. In these weeks over New Year, he would look at its contents. All year, he had searched for the other X5s who were trapped there with them. Some hadn't survived, others he had managed to contact and recruit for a mission. He saw what was recorded on the videos, he saw what Logan had seen, he saw himself in agony and suffering. It was deep suffering.

S3B1 Alec: "The suffering runs deep."

This year, Alec was overcome by rage, deep despair; he knew the contents of the laptop. He had seen what he and Max were doing, he had seen what was happening to him, and the memory brought him to his knees this year. He destroyed the laptop, only to regret it immediately, but he couldn't bear to have his torment recorded on tape.

S4B2 Alec: "No one should experience the suffering."

Alec remembered that he had collected documents almost fanatically. Someone kept sending him new material, and he archived all the truths and connections, slowly getting a picture. But ten files were missing. He couldn't solve the mystery without those ten files.

S5B3 Alec: "A mystery remains a mystery."

Ten children, Alec knew there were ten children, and Ben was one of them. He could admit to himself that Ben had to be his child. He couldn't prove it yet, but he had felt the connection. He could slowly accept it for himself, but at some point he had to talk to Max. He loved her and he felt her grief; it was impossible to free her from her grief.

S6B4 Alec: "Grief holds her captive."

Max was still grieving; she was away a lot, leaving Alec to care for the children in their hideout. Alec took his responsibility seriously. He had promised Logan, he almost broke under the weight of his responsibility, but he did his best, even though it brought with it a hardship he knew only too well.

S7B5 Alec: "I made a promise."

Alec became a city councilor this year; he was now influential and more well-known than any other transgenetic in Seattle. Max stopped by for a drink every now and then, but Alec still saw the emptiness, the sadness, in her eyes.

S8B6 Alec: "I must bear her sadness."

Alec wrote letters with instructions every year. And where they, the allies, have to pick up the letters. He had hired two of the X5s from captivity to train the children, and they carried out the training plans and instructions precisely. Joshua had been away a few times, spying for him. The children grew up in a tough but safe environment. The other children from captivity were safe, Alec knew there were nine of them, and they had found each other. They were alive, and no one suspected who they were or where they came from.

S9B7 Alec: "Safety is the most important thing."

This year, it hit Alec. An anniversary? 10 years! His memories had crept back into his mind more and more over the past few years, and this year it was two days of the kidnapping that forced their way back into his year, he spent his retreat with his knees drawn up to his chest, staring into space. The last time, Martha had rescued him from this state of mind, but this time she was gone. He mourned Martha, like every year, but he also mourned a part of himself.

S10B8 Alec: "Deep wounds in the heart leave scars."

It had taken Alec a year to fight back; after the memories of last year, he couldn't bear to be touched. Some friends had recoiled at his reaction. Max had once grabbed him hard by the arm, causing him to fall to his knees before her, a "Please, no!" escaping his lips. She attributed it to the conversation she wanted to have with him, but his trembling almost betrayed him.

S11B9 Alec: "Some experiences break even the strongest of men."

Alec was still struggling with two days, it was only two days.

Max had thanked him the first time. It was the first time she had had a long conversation with him, and he hadn't had the heart to help jog her memory. But her thanks healed some of the torments that had almost consumed him. He was grateful to her, and this year the turn of the year was easier to bear. Alec even sat by the window once this year. He didn't bury himself in the basement of the small house as he usually did, and he smiled a little to himself when he realized that Max was finally finding his way out of her grief.

S12B10 Alec: "A few words can heal deeply hidden things."

The last year had strengthened Alec. He was a successful city councilor and now closer friends with Max than ever before. He enjoyed her closeness, even though she was still grieving. But she noticed that Alec hadn't had a relationship in years. Casual flings, but nothing substantial. She kept teasing him about it, even without knowing the reasons. He couldn't commit to anything; anyone else would have endangered the children, and any additional contact might have put his two boys in danger. The retreat over Christmas and New Year became his source of strength; no longer just grief, but also new plans.

S13B11 Alec: "Good thoughts drive away grief."

Max still couldn't find her memory. Alec didn't want to force her to do anything, but he still bore the responsibility for the children alone. Max supported him financially, and she also missed the children greatly, but she couldn't contribute to their care and guidance. Grief paralyzed her. Alec sometimes didn't understand why she no longer cared for the children. He took over her part and everything that needed to be done. He repeatedly covered up clues and evidence.

S14B12 Alec: "Responsibility is heavy."

The first argument in many, many years. Max accused Alec of interfering in her grief. Alec spent this year saying goodbye to the idea of having his own family. He had been building his facade for years, every year over the New Year, and it was almost perfect. Only in those weeks of the year when he hid away and didn't speak to anyone did it crumble. Seth's coaches said goodbye. They had been there until his 15th birthday. This probably bothered Alec more than he wanted to admit. He knew Seth, the older one, would now deal with things that had been tormenting him for years.

S15B13 Alec: "The future can be frightening."

Now Seth was in the process of discovering the truth. He was the calmer of the two children, working his way through everything he was given with concentration, and Alec knew that his reactions would be measured and well-considered, but soon Ben would also find out what was going on, and his reactions were considerably more explosive. Alec had been receiving reports about the two young men for years. Yes, they were young men by now, and Seth was still level-headed, calmer, and, like his father, very focused. Ben, on the other hand, explosive, uncontrolled, always all or nothing, easily emotionally agitated but reluctant to deal with his own feelings. He was also like his father, he was like Alec. There was still no proof of Alec's paternity. The laptop was destroyed, and the files were still incomplete.

S16B14 Alec: "Am I even capable of this?"

This Christmas was particularly difficult, as Max and Alec faced the truth. Ben had already said it out loud once. Alec, father, he'd known it for years, but hearing it from his son's mouth was both terrifying and wonderful. This year, everyone was waiting to hear from Grey, yet Alec couldn't help but withdraw, like he did every year. He still couldn't explain everything to Max, but he noticed that when she looked into his eyes, she knew he was hiding something. His facade was hard, self-centered, but she'd seen through it a few times, and she was the only one he didn't mind. It scared him a little, but he'd try. But Logan still haunted his mind.

S17B15 Alec: "Can you cheat the dead?"

Family, a short time and it changed everything. Alec's dream of finally having a family came true. This year he hadn't given in to his desire to withdraw. This year he didn't have to give in to that desire. This year he got what he had wanted his whole life. Back when Martha asked him what he could endure all this for, it was for this year, for what his life would be from this year on. He had wished for exactly that, and finally, life granted his wish, and finally, he no longer had to mourn Martha, because her sacrifice was for this, for this wish, and from now on, he would honor her sacrifice every minute by being able to protect and experience this family.

S18B16 Alec: "Family, finally family."1