The roast of JaviSuzumiya
In a crowded event hall somewhere in Royal Woods, the seats were packed, and chatter was abuzz. Everyone from the former student body of all three schools to the Casagrandes and even the Changs was present for the evening's proceedings. Many of them have never been to a roast before, so they didn't know what to expect. Those that knew what a roast was were in for a fun night of laughter at someone's expense, but knew it was all in good fun. The chatter died down as soon as the host, Albertson, came on stage.
"Good evening, Royal Woods, and welcome to tonight's roast. You may be wondering who we're ripping into tonight. Before anyone gets excited, no, it's not Lincoln Loud, though that is tempting. No, we're not roasting any resident of Royal Woods tonight. We will actually be tearing into a well-known, though rather infamous, member of the Loud House fandom, and before anyone gets any ideas, no, it's not Grace, even though he does deserve it. I know Luan has been chomping at the bit to tear him a new one ever since The Missing Loud and especially after the 'ass fairy' line in This Will Be Our Year. Tonight, Royal Woods gets to laugh at an artist everyone in the fandom knows, for better or worse. Prepare yourselves for the roast of JaviSuzumiya!" Albertson warmed up the crowd. The curtain pulled up to reveal several members of the Loud family sat in a row on stage, some of whom have been salivating at the thought of ripping JaviSuzumiya a new one. Grace was here too, though he opted to sit back and observe on this occasion. On center stage sat the man himself, bracing for whatever jokes are hurled his way.
"In retrospect, I probably have this coming," JaviSuzumiya remarked.
"Yes you do, and speaking of coming, that is exactly what your art has made many a Loud House fan do on lonely nights," Albertson quipped. After some well-deserved laughter died down, Albertson carried on. "Before you came along, the horniest thing around was Lana's porcupine," Albertson joked. "Because of you, Lincoln's bedroom now has a revolving door. There are more women queuing outside of it than he has sisters. Also, quite equally disturbing, is that, because of you, even they've joined the line, and that line is longer than those for Luna's concerts," Albertson remarked. "When was the last time Lincoln wore clothes?" Albertson queried rhetorically. "Poor guy, you've made him into a one-man sperm bank. What do you plan to do next? Have him start charging admission?" Albertson posed. "Anyway, enough from me. The Louds have something they'd like to say to you, so without further ado, let's hear from our first roaster, Luna Loud!" Albertson concluded his joking and opened the floor to Luna, who took the stage.
"Well well well, isn't this a treat. Thank you, dear Albert, for the opportunity to rip into the guy who thinks Sam and I are 'forced', yet has no trouble believing my perfectly straight room-mate Luan eats more carpet than a moth with its wings clipped off," Luna vented, taking umbrage with the fact that Javi thinks Luan has a better bond with a one-off character she never interacted with than her established male love interest Benny. "Between this guy thinking Luan likes women and Albertson's jokes about me thinking Benny goes the other way, I'm surprised neither of them have written a full-blown drama club orgy," Luna joked.
"To be fair, Card Tricks and Slumber Party came close," Grace chimed in.
"Seriously, dude, you must've been baked if you thought Maggie waves a flag that has no black in it. That's probably where all the Loudcest stuff he puts out comes from. Let this be a lesson; never write M-rated stories or draw comics while high, or you'll end up like this guy. He buys his product using the money he gets from pimping out Lincoln. Still, I'll give you some credit, Javi. At least you didn't make Lynn a polyamorous aromantic bisexual sex addict, unlike someone I know," Luna hinted in Albertson's direction. "Although, knowing you, it was probably on your 'to-do' list somewhere in between introducing Kara into Lincoln's harem and putting Luz through gender re-assignment surgery. No wonder your comics take so long to finish. Anyway, I could go on, but we'd be here all night, and I don't like to hog the spotlight, so let's hear from our second roaster, Luan Loud!" Luna then handed the floor to Luan, who literally rushed on stage before Luna could fully withdraw.
"Thank you, dear sister. Give my love to Sam for me. So, here we are at last, the guy who pairs me with a one-off character I never spoke to and no-one ever saw again, but lost his mind when people did the same thing with bona-fide besties Molly and Libby. Because of you, I've eaten Maggie out so many times, she's thinking about opening a drive-thru. Benny's considering sending you the medical bills he had to pay because you made his balls bluer than Lori's golf outfit.," Luan cracked wise. "How is it that you had an entire drama club to work with, yet Albert and Grace launched the Sharuby ship before you did?" Luan wondered.
"Hey, now. I'd rather not have him set foot on our ship. Who knows what kinda sick crap he'll come up with," Grace cautioned.
"Oh no, he could draw them doing it in a shrink's office while role-playing or give explicit details about how their honeymoon went. Oh wait, that was you, and Albert came up with strip card games and sexing it up at Shannon's house. Who are the real sickos in the room?" Luan redirected, then rounded back on Javi. "Just be thankful these guys aren't comic artists or you'd be facing irrelevancy. Then again, your comics make Albert's lemons look like Hallmark rom-coms. I know we're supposed to be performers, but Albert has us doing a whole different kind of show, so thanks for your mercy, Javi. For all you've done, at least you didn't make Luna a Peeping Tina, so that puts you a cut above Albert. That's all from me, let's hear from our next roaster, Lincoln Loud!" Luan retreated from the stage and Lincoln stepped up in her place.
"Thank you to our resident joker of the pack. You'd think she'd be a better roaster. Anyway, it is nice to meet the guy responsible for having my thing sucked more times than Lily's old pacifier. Honestly, it's like you want a taste, but are just too scared to admit it. Go on, don't be shy. All you have to do is ask real nicely and maybe pay me $100 and I'll let you gobble on it for about five minutes, or I could suck you. I don't mind either way. Ronnie Anne can tell you, I'm really into Mexicans. Pay me another $100 and I'll let you put it in my ass, if that's what you really want. I'm sure your Patrons wouldn't mind funding this little escapade, as long as you provide them with the saucy details in illustrated form afterwards. With the number of times you've drawn me having sex, you could start a 'shag-a-day' calendar. Because of you, my thing has explored more hidden caverns than Lara Croft. Now that I've mentioned her, she will probably be the next woman you'll draw me sleeping with. This guy has a checklist of females across all fandoms that he ticks off like a shopping list. That's what it's like, being this guy's model. Who will I do it with next? Hailey Banks? Anne Boonchuy? Luz Noceda? Molly McGee? God help me if Ashley Spinelli's next. And that's if he's not too busy having me shag my sisters for the umpteenth time! You've made me a bigger alpha male than Andrew Tate. At least I'm a better role model for young boys. Thank you, Javi, for pimping me out to more women than you could find in a Miss Congeniality pageant and cutting down on my laundry bill. I want a cut of 30%," Lincoln roasted. Next up on the stage was Lynn Loud Jr.
"Chill out, bro, you should be thanking this dude a little more sincerely for getting you a load of action and succeeding where we sisters have failed. Because let's face it, without him, you'd have a lot of lonely nights with your right hand. But really, Javi, I have a bone to pick with you. Why was Albert the one who wrote my sexual awakening? You've had plenty of time to do that yourself, you lazy bastard. I feel forgotten, neglected. Come on, Javi, we all know you want to draw me shacking up with men and women alike. Don't wait until Albert learns how to draw and let him have all the fun," Lynn pleaded. "Come on, I'm prime stock and you're obsessing over my brother? I'm a star athlete who's down for anything with anyone and you want every girl in Royal Woods to lay with the video game/comic book nerd?" Lynn ranted.
"Let's not forget who we're roasting, Lynn," Lincoln reminded.
"She needs help," Grace added.
"What? Oh, right. It is a good thing Javi isn't on the writing team for the show. Given his track record, 'Study Muffin' would've turned out very differently. Please, for the love of God, don't learn how to animate. We beg you. If that happened, Lincoln would never be able to walk again. Upon reflection, that won't happen in a million years. Who would you get to do the voices? That'll be a cheerful conversation with your friends. I can imagine you going up to them and saying 'hey, if I pay you, do you wanna voice Lincoln as he's getting noshed off in a porno parody animation of a kid's show?' Good money says at least one of them will punch you in the face. Still, at least you keep our brother sleeping with women. If it were up to Albert, Clincoln McLoud would be having another night in the Hunnicut Barn re-enacting Brokeback Mountain. For that, you have our gratitude, even if that is something I want to see. Keep an open mind, Javi. Goodnight, Royal Woods," Lynn Jr. finished her roast, while giving a wink in Javi's direction. It was them Sam's turn to take the stage for the closing act.
"I have been waiting for this for a long time, Javi. How fascinating it is to meet the only straight guy on Earth who winces at the thought of a blonde and a brunette getting it on. That's like the number one search parameter on every porn site ever. Your masturbation preferences just beat out Grace's early fics on the controversy scale. Honestly, a potion that turns Lincoln into a sex demon no female can resist makes The Missing Loud seem tame by comparison. For all your talk of me and Lincoln being meant for each other despite us not having interacting once, I never got a casting call for that story. You could've had a three-way scene between me, Lincoln, and Luna. Talk about missed opportunity. You're missing the mark with your prime demographic, damnit. How is it you had a three-way between Lincoln, Ronnie Anne and Sid, and yet you don't draw the two girls enjoying each other? If you added that, your comic would've been a best-seller. But no, it all has to be about Lincoln, as usual. You've drawn him naked so many times you could make a living as his life model artist. Thank you Royal Woods," Sam then took her leave. Albertson then took the stage once more.
"No-one else? OK, with that, we have reached the end of tonight's roast. I trust you've all had a good laugh. In all seriousness, Javi, for reasons good or ill, you are an…..integral part of this fandom, and you keep things interesting and fun. If nothing else, you give Grace and I good material to tease you with. But please trust that it's all in good fun and we do not have any malicious intent behind our words. We wish you luck in whatever you do next. Goodnight everybody, drive home safe," Albertson then brought the show to a close and everybody got up to leave.
Author's note: Never done one of these before, but I have seen plenty of Comedy Central roasts on TV. I hope this comes close. While Grace and I have done our fair share of Javi-teasing in our collective works, it was never our intention to hate on the guy. Besides, we do it to each other just as much as we do it to Javi. He may not see this, but on the off-chance he does, we want him to know we don't mean anything by it. This came to me as an April Fool's idea and it was an intriguing experiment. Javi's free to do the same thing to us if he so chooses. We can take what we dish out. The usual disclaimers, I own nothing. All properties belong to their respective owners. Enjoy.