A/N: You all asked for it so here it is.
LEAKED: UNSC GROUP CHAT EXPOSES PLAN TO CONQUER STAR WARS GALAXY
By Chadwick "The Truth" Goldenstineburginson, Award-Winning Journalist, Professional Smug Asshole, He/Him
It started with a simple email. A single, poorly secured email labeled "totally_not_UNSC_secret_. docx" sent to my inbox. Now, I, Chadwick Goldenstineburginson—Pulitzer Prize finalist (self-nominated), the voice of the people (who agree with me the rest are fascist PIGS), the last real journalist—am about to bring you the greatest scoop in intergalactic history.
Ladies and gentlemen, the United Nations Space Command (UNSC) has been caught red-handed planning an all-out invasion of a distant galaxy—the galaxy far, far away. I now present to you: The Leaked UNSC Group Chat.
[GROUP CHAT: "TOP SECRET: GALACTIC DOMINATION STRATEGY"]
Participants:
Lord Admiral Hood (UNSC Big Cheese)
General Dwayne "Warcrime" Grigsby (Ground Forces Commander)
Dr. Halsey (Mad Science Lady)
Captain Jacob Keyes (Guy Who Dies in Every Timeline)
Cortana [ADMIN] (Basically in charge)
Master Chief (Reads, never responds)
Captain Lasky (Token White)
Admiral Parangorsky (Crazy Lady)
Lord Admiral Hood: Alright, listen up. The UNSC has set its sights on a new galaxy. Our goal: Full military occupation of this so-called "Star Wars" universe.
General Grigsby: Hell yeah, about time. Their military tactics are hilariously outdated. Just looked at some footage—these clowns are still fighting with swords.
Cortana: Lightsabers.
General Grigsby: Don't care. They're swinging glowsticks while we have orbital bombardment.
Dr. Halsey: The real problem is the Jedi. They've got some kind of psionic powers, and from what I can tell, they use them mainly for parkour and unsolicited moral lectures.
Captain Keyes: Can they be countered?
Cortana: They can predict attacks using the Force.
General Grigsby: Cool. Let's see them predict MAC rounds from low orbit.
Lord Admiral Hood: Let's not underestimate them. They might be space wizards, but they seem capable of surviving incredibly stupid situations.
Cortana: Also, the Sith. Same thing, but angrier.
General Grigsby: So basically Jedi but edgy.
Dr. Halsey: The Sith follow a rule where only two of them can exist at a time.
Captain Keyes: Wow, that sounds so sustainable.
General Grigsby: "Only two"? LMAO, we literally mass-produce Spartans like they're iPhones.
Cortana: And on the topic of military strategy, the enemy fleet consists mainly of triangle-shaped capital ships called Star Destroyers.
General Grigsby: …Did a six-year-old name these?
Lord Admiral Hood: Stay focused. We need to determine who we're going to align with first—Republic or Separatists?
Cortana: The Republic is bloated and corrupt but has the Jedi. The Separatists are basically space libertarians running on an economy of droids and pyramid schemes.
General Grigsby: So it's a choice between an intergalactic DMV and Silicon Valley but with more genocide.
Dr. Halsey: Also, there's a guy named Palpatine who seems to be manipulating both sides.
Lord Admiral Hood: So he's the real power player?
Cortana: Yes. But also, he looks like a microwaved raisin.
Captain Keyes: This dude sounds like he's one speech away from renaming himself Darth Tax Evasion.
General Grigsby: Okay, let's cut to the chase—who are we glassing first?
Lord Admiral Hood: Nobody's getting glassed unless absolutely necessary.
General Grigsby: Define "absolutely necessary."
Lord Admiral Hood: When I say so.
General Grigsby: So that's a "maybe."
Cortana: If we're moving forward, we need a propaganda angle.
Dr. Halsey: "Bringing Democracy to a Galaxy That Has None."
Captain Keyes: "Make Space Great Again."
General Grigsby: "We Have the Bigger Guns and Dicks."
Cortana: We should also discuss major threats.
Lord Admiral Hood: Besides Jedi?
Cortana: The Mandalorians could be an issue.
General Grigsby: What's their deal?
Dr. Halsey: They're a warrior race that never takes off their helmets.
General Grigsby: So they're basically football fans with guns?
Captain Keyes: Oh, and there's this one guy, Boba Fett. He's a famous bounty hunter.
General Grigsby: Okay, but how good is he?
Cortana: He was once defeated by a blind guy with a stick and fell into a giant sand-mouth.
General Grigsby: …So he's garbage. Got it.
Lord Admiral Hood: Alright, wrap it up. Here's the battle plan:
Phase 1: Infiltrate their government by posing as "Galactic Consultants."
Phase 2: Slowly introduce UNSC weaponry, destabilizing both sides.
Phase 3: Initiate a coup under the guise of "restoring order."
Phase 4: Begin Operation Yiffstorm and get all the Clones and Battle Droids jacking it to Furry Porn.
Phase 5: Occupy Coruscant. Install a new UNSC-friendly government.
Phase 6: Declare victory. Exploit local resources. Sell action figures of Master Chief.
Cortana: What do we do about Palpatine?
General Grigsby: Give me five minutes and an ODST drop pod.
Lord Admiral Hood: That's not how we handle things.
General Grigsby: That's literally always how we handle things.
Captain Keyes: So… what's stopping us from winning immediately?
Cortana: Three things:
According to some professional armchair generals, hyperdrive technology is way better than Slipspace.
Lightsabers can cut through anything. (Unless you're a Disney character)
According to a crybaby online in the review section of 'Bellum Terranum', the UNSC is literally fascist and therefore the Republic has timeout privileges because 'muh democracy'.
General Grigsby: Ok, but have they ever fought a Warthog with six guys hanging off the sides shooting grenade launchers?
Cortana: …No.
General Grigsby: Exactly. We win.
Lord Admiral Hood: Alright, enough talk. We move in one week.
ONI Operative 19: WE HAVE A LEAK.
Captain Lasky: WHAT?!
General Grisby: WHO THE FUCK LEFT THEIR PHONE OPEN?!
Cortana: 💀💀💀💀💀
ONI Operative 47: Some idiot just leaked the entire chat. Some journalist.
Captain Keyes: Name?
ONI Operative 19: Chadwick 'The Truth' Goldenstineburginson. Works for The Truth & Justice Report. Total narcissist. Hates the UNSC. Calls the Insurrectionists "freedom fighters" but has never actually held a gun in his life.
Lord Admiral Hood: Oh my God. That guy? The dude who wrote an 18-part essay about how Sangheili should be allowed in human relationships?
ONI Operative 47: Yup. He also wrote a thirst post about Thel 'Vadam, calling him "a majestic, busty warrior daddy and how he was going to suck his long thick–"
Random Marine: okay we get it.
Captain Keyes: That's so much worse than just leaking our ops.
ONI Operative 47: AND he unironically defends the Insurrectionists. He called them "true men" fighting against "the beta cuck UNSC."
Lord Admiral Hood: Oh great, so he's one of those guys. "Muh freedom!" Meanwhile, the Innies literally turned colonies into slave states and handed power to warlords because they couldn't handle not being in charge.
Random Marine: No joke, Insurrectionists are just Space Andrew Tate fans. Like, bro, you're not an alpha male revolutionary—you're a glorified space pirate who gets curb-stomped by actual soldiers and get no pussy.
ONI Operative 47: You ever notice how they call the UNSC "fascists" but then turn around and force people into their little warlord regimes?
Captain Lasky: It's because they can't handle discipline. Imagine being so fragile that you see basic military structure and go, "Ackchyually, this is oppression."
Lord Admiral Hood: Focus up, people. This idiot Chadwick just leaked our entire strategy. What's the play?
BREAKING NEWS: THE TRUTH & JUSTICE REPORT
Chadwick Goldsteinburginson: "I HAVE UNCOVERED A MASSIVE UNSC CONSPIRACY! The corrupt and oppressive military junta is planning to invade an ENTIRE NEW GALAXY! They are brainwashing clone troopers into being FURRIES, corrupting droids into meowing, and they intend to take over Coruscant with extreme violence! THIS IS LITERALLY HITLER! THIS IS A WAR CRIME! WE MUST RISE UP AND RESIST! Also, totally unrelated, but does anyone know if there are any Sangheili dating servers? Specifically ones that are gay and have massive ball sacks to suck on? Asking for a friend."
ONI Operative 47: Okay, so we're airstriking him, right?
Lord Admiral Hood: Oh, absolutely.
Captain Lasky: Targeting solution?
ONI Operative 19: UNSC Infinity is already in orbit above his location. We've got a MAC cannon and three flights of Broadswords ready to go.
Random Marine: Broadswords? Overkill, much?
ONI Operative 47: Not really. Guy's ego is massive. We need at least three precision strikes to destroy it.
Lord Admiral Hood: Fire.
[UNSC Infinity Main Battle Group – Firing Log]
Target: Chadwick Generic Jewish Last Name luxury apartment complex
Weapon: MAC Cannon, Broadsword Strike
Status: Eliminated with extreme prejudice
Captain Lasky: Chadwick is gone.
Random Marine: Good riddance.
General Grisby: 🔥🇺🇳👊
Captain Keyes: But what about the leak?
Cortana: No worries. We've already launched a counter-campaign. We're flooding Insurrectionist circles with fake UNSC war plans and 40,000 AI-generated posts of Sangheili feet and ass pics.
Lord Admiral Hood: That should keep them distracted for months.
General Grisby: And the Star Wars galaxy?
ONI Operative 47: Operation Yiffstorm and Make Space Great Again continues as planned. The clones are already in civil war over whether Loona or Roxanne Wolf is superior and the droids are tryna bang Elon Musk's newest Tesla Fuck-Bot with massive honkers and cat ears.
Lord Admiral Hood: Good. The Republic and CIS will collapse from within before we even have to fire a shot.
Admiral Parangosky: God bless the UNSC.
ONI Operative 47: And God bless psychological warfare.
.
[LEAKED INSURRECTIONIST GROUP CHAT]
SOURCE: ONI PSYOPS DEPARTMENT
STATUS: LMAO, YOU'RE ALL GOING TO JAIL
[The True Resistance - PRIVATE WARLORD CHAT]
Participants:
DefiantPride01 (actual name: Jeremy, lives in his mom's basement, still owes child support)
FreedomFighterX (self-proclaimed "Warlord," got kicked out of the UNSC for crying during boot camp and now hates black people)
RealAlphaWarlord ("real alpha" but never won a fight in his life, wears sunglasses indoors and has been arrested exposing himself to a Sangheili)
EpicRebelSimp (thinks leading an Insurrectionist cell is "the same as being a CEO" but has no money)
TheResistanceGuru (makes cringe "motivation" videos about "taking back freedom" and thinks he's sigma. He is banned from six colonies for tax evasion)
Various Other Warlord Types (basically a bunch of dudes who failed at life and blame the UNSC for it)
DefiantPride01: Alright, brothers, the time is near. The UNSC's fascist grip over the colonies weakens. Soon, we will rise and reclaim our rightful place as the TRUE rulers of the Outer Colonies!
FreedomFighterX: Damn right! We are the last REAL men in the galaxy! No more UNSC cucks telling us what to do!
RealAlphaWarlord: Facts. The UNSC promotes WEAKNESS. Structure, discipline, order? That's all just beta male propaganda. A TRUE alpha doesn't take orders—he MAKES them.
EpicRebelSimp: Exactly. The UNSC tries to stop us, but guess what? I've been investing in crypto, and we're gonna fund our own shadow fleet. Decentralized military, baby. Warlords with block chain and bit coin.
TheResistanceGuru: And let's be real, the UNSC is too afraid to admit it, but we all know the truth… the real superior species? The Elites. The Sangheili.
FreedomFighterX: BRO YES. The UNSC tries to paint them as enemies, but let's be honest—they're warriors. REAL men. Unlike these soyjack Spartan cucks.
EpicRebelSimp: No joke, I'd let Thel 'Vadam dominate me. No homo.
RealAlphaWarlord: Nah, FULL HOMO. If a real man like 'Vadam challenged me, I'd submit. That's what REAL respect looks like. Strength recognizes strength.
FreedomFighterX: Yall ever just think about how Sangheili would be, like…really submissive if you broke their warrior pride?
RealAlphaWarlord: Bro, facts. Imagine taking a big muscular Elite and making him beg. All that discipline? Gone. Just a whimpering mess in your arms.
EpicRebelSimp: That's what I've been saying! These warlords keep trying to dominate territory, but I just wanna dominate a Sangheili himbo 😩
TheResistanceGuru: Nah, real talk, why do you think the UNSC banned human-Sangheili relationships? Because they KNOW the true path to peace is through DOMINANCE. They FEAR our superior alpha energy.
DefiantPride01: Guys, focus. We're supposed to be planning an attack on Reach.
RealAlphaWarlord: Bro, who even cares about Reach? That place is a dump. Tell me why I can't find a SINGLE Sangheili dating server that isn't "lore-friendly" or some stupid crap?
EpicRebelSimp: FR. Like, let's be honest—this whole war thing? Lowkey just an excuse to find the Elite of our dreams.
TheResistanceGuru: I swear, if the UNSC hadn't bombed our last base, I'd have had my muscular Sangheili harem by now.
FreedomFighterX: Ok but hear me out… have you guys seen the little Sangheili? The young ones?
DefiantPride01: 😳😳😳
EpicRebelSimp: Oh fuck, here we go…
FreedomFighterX: Bro. Just imagine. A small, soft Sangheili femboy, needing a strong human protector. He's got those big warrior eyes, but he's so petite compared to the others…
RealAlphaWarlord: Dawg.
FreedomFighterX: No but like… what if we adopted them? Raised them into our cause?
TheResistanceGuru: That's what I'M saying. Teach them that humanity is better, that WE are the true leaders. Groom them into our ideology.
EpicRebelSimp: Bro don't say "groom." That makes it sound weird.
TheResistanceGuru: Nah nah it's not weird. It's just making sure they get a good education. A good… close mentor relationship.
FreedomFighterX: I'd personally mentor one, ngl. A cute little Sangheili femboy warrior? Give him the right 'training', show him who's in charge? That's a TRUE resistance right there.
ONI Operative 47: Wow. Just. Wow.
DefiantPride01: W-WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!
ONI Operative 19: Your worst nightmare, lmao.
ONI Operative 47: Congratulations, fellas. You're officially the cringiest rebellion in human history. I mean, I knew the Insurrectionists were all fake alphas who cry about "freedom" while running warlord cults, but I didn't realize you were THIS down bad. Especially for alien children.
ONI Operative 19: Seriously, this is what y'all do all day? Sitting around in some space jungle, fantasizing about breaking in muscular aliens and being predators? And you wonder why no one takes your movement seriously?
RealAlphaWarlord: This is an invasion of privacy!
ONI Operative 47: Lmao, privacy? Bro, your entire "rebellion" is already being recorded by ONI. This whole chat is literally getting leaked as we speak.
BREAKING NEWS: INSURRECTIONIST GROUP CHAT LEAKED – FULL OF PREDATORS, LOSERS, AND SIMPS
The entire galactic supercluster collectively vomits as leaked Insurrectionist warlord logs reveal that they aren't just incompetent terrorists, but also absolute degenerates obsessed with submissive Sangheili "femboys" and little Sangheili children. Support for the Insurrection dies instantly—well, whatever microscopic amount existed in the first place.
LIVE INTERVENTION: CHRIS HANSEN HAS ENTERED THE CHAT
Chris Hansen: Why don't you have a seat right over there?
DefiantPride01: Oh fuck
FreedomFighterX: Wait, wait, wait, this is taken out of context—
Chris Hansen: Oh, don't worry, I've got the FULL context. "A cute little Sangheili femboy warrior"? Really? Is that what the great Insurrection has been fighting for?
EpicRebelSimp: No no no, see, it's more of a warrior training program—
Chris Hansen: Uh-huh. That's funny, because ONI also found a separate chat labeled "Preferred Femboy Combat Uniforms" where you guys were discussing battle thongs.
TheResistanceGuru: I CAN EXPLAIN!
Chris Hansen: I CAN EXPLAIN? Oh, please do. I'm dying to hear how a fifty-slide PowerPoint titled "Sangheili Dom/Sub Dynamics in Post-Conflict Zones" is a revolutionary strategy and not your personal fetish manifesto.
ONI Operative 19: Honestly, we were gonna wait until you tried storming a comms relay station so we could bag you all at once, but this is just too *juicy* to let go.
ONI Operative 47: We've seen every message. The furry Elite roleplay server, the "Resistance Maid Uniform" concept art, the deepfake of Thel 'Vadam in fishnets—you freaks are cooked.
RealAlphaWarlord: Those were for morale! You don't understand psychological warfare!
EpicRebelSimp: YEAH. High morale makes better soldiers! Everyone knows that!
ONI Operative 47: Better soldiers? You guys spent 13 hours last Thursday debating whether a Sangheili should call you "Master," "General Daddy," or "Big Human Dom."
ONI Operative 19: Not to mention you collectively spent $12,000 in crypto on custom body pillows. Of Elites. With blushy faces. In thigh highs.
FreedomFighterX: THAT WAS AN INVESTMENT!
Chris Hansen: The only thing you've invested in is a lifelong ban from the internet and, possibly, multiple federal investigations.
TheResistanceGuru: This is tyranny! We're fighting for FREEDOM!
ONI Operative 47: Bro, you literally posted a video yesterday titled "Why the Fall of Reach Was a Woke Conspiracy to Stop Human-Elite Romance" and then ended it by crying into an Elite sex doll with a massive horse dildo and balloon honkers strapped to it.
ONI Operative 19: Half your manifesto is just horny fanfiction written in Courier New.
Chris Hansen: Speaking of fanfiction... RealAlphaWarlord, care to explain "Bound by Honor: Chapter 69"?
RealAlphaWarlord: THAT WAS PRIVATE—
ONI Operative 19: "As his mandibles trembled under the grip of his human master, the Sangheili warrior whispered—" nah I'm done, man. You're all going to jail and group therapy.
TheResistanceGuru: Y'all just need to hear us out…
Chris Hansen: Oh, I'd LOVE to hear it. Because we've already handed this information over to the UNSC Military Tribunal. You know what that means?
ONI Operative 47: You're all gonna get MAC'd, bro.
[UNSC Infinity – TARGET LOCKED]
LIVELEAK – UNSC AIRSTRIKE
From orbit, the UNSC Infinity fires a MAC round directly into the Insurrectionist warlord hideout. ONI operatives confirm zero survivors. The last thing heard over comms was a single, pathetic voice screaming, "B-BUT THEL 'VADAM IS DADDYYYYYYYYYY—" before they were atomized.
[THE END]
[BONUS SHITPOST]
Location: God Knows Where
April 1 2590
Fuck You Bob, Bill, and Kathy
The Galactic Senate chamber was in chaos. The Clone Wars had reached their peak, and the Republic was on the verge of collapse. The Separatists were gaining ground, the Jedi were proving increasingly incompetent, and Chancellor Palpatine sat smugly in his oversized chair, plotting his rise to unlimited power.
But none of that mattered, because today was the day Ben Shapiro would debate the entire Senate into oblivion.
The pod belonging to the newly formed Shapiro Faction floated to the center of the chamber. Ben, clad in a sharp navy-blue suit (because robes were for weaklings), adjusted his tie and activated his microphone.
"Alright, folks, let's just break this down logically, okay?" Ben began, his voice carrying across the massive chamber. "The Republic is on the verge of collapse, not because of external threats, but because of complete and utter stupidity. The Jedi? Fraudulent. The Senators? Corrupt. The clones? Expendable."
A murmur of discontent spread through the crowd. Mace Windu furrowed his brow. "Mr. Shapiro, that's outrageous. The Jedi are peacekeepers. We—"
"Okay, hold on, hold on," Ben cut him off, smirking. "Let's do a quick fact-check here. Fact #1: The Jedi preach peace but literally lead an army. Fact #2: You kidnapped an entire generation of child soldiers and justified it by saying 'muh Force sensitivity.' Fact #3: You people get outplayed by Count Dooku every single time—by an 80-year-old man with arthritis. So tell me, Mace, how exactly are the Jedi NOT an incompetent religious cult?"
Mace opened his mouth, then closed it. He rubbed his temples. "This is getting fucking ridiculous."
"Incorrect," Ben shot back. "What's ridiculous is that we're letting a geriatric Sith Lord and a bunch of bureaucrats dictate galactic policy when we could be using facts and logic to fix everything."
Palpatine, sitting in his pod, narrowed his yellow eyes. "Mr. Shapiro, you may have intelligence, but you lack power."
Ben rolled his eyes. "Okay, classic Sith rhetoric. 'Oh, unlimited power! Let me cackle ominously while my face melts off!' Bro, you look like a microwaved raisin. And let's be real, your master plan is just the 1933 Reichstag Fire but with extra steps."
Palpatine twitched. "I don't even know what that means."
"Exactly," Ben sighed. "And that's why you're an idiot."
At that moment, Anakin Skywalker, sensing an opportunity for someone else to do his thinking for him, raised a hand. "But Ben, the Jedi Council won't let me be a Master! They're evil!"
Ben pinched the bridge of his nose. "Oh my God, Anakin. You are quite possibly the dumbest person in the galaxy. The Jedi Council didn't make you a Master because you have the emotional stability of a teenage girl with pronouns on Twitter. Maybe if you stopped whining for five seconds and used your brain, you wouldn't be getting manipulated by the Emperor right now."
"I—wait, what?" Anakin blinked.
Ben pointed a finger at Palpatine. "Bro, he's literally sitting right there. You didn't even question why a guy who looks like an old scrotum is always gassing you up? You just rolled with it?"
"I—uh…"
"Yeah, that's what I thought," Ben said, crossing his arms. "Moving on."
Ben turned to the Separatist pods, where Count Dooku's hologram flickered with indignation. "And then we have the CIS—which, let's be honest, is just a corporate Ponzi scheme mixed with a failed attempt at libertarianism. You call it 'freedom,' but in reality, you're just giving power to literal droids and mega-corporations who don't care about you. If I wanted an economy run by droids, I'd let Twitter fact-check itself."
Nute Gunray slammed his fists on his podium. "The Trade Federation is a legitimate—"
"Wrong," Ben interrupted. "It's crony capitalism at best, space feudalism at worst. If I were running the galaxy, step one would be defunding every single one of you."
The Senate chamber gasped in horror.
Palpatine, now actually concerned, leaned forward. "And what do you propose as an alternative, Mister Shapiro?"
Ben's eyes gleamed. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, ancient-looking document. "The Constitution of Israel."
Silence. A single Bothan choked on his caf.
"You see," Ben continued, "we need a small-government system where individual liberty is respected, markets are free, and the Force-sensitive elitists stop telling everyone what to do. The galaxy doesn't need an Empire or a Republic—it needs a nation founded on Judeo-Christian values with a strong military and a free-market economy. Also fuck Palestine but I'm totally not racist, facts are just like that."
A hushed murmur swept through the Senate.
"That's right," Ben said, stepping onto Palpatine's platform. "Effective immediately, I am declaring myself Emperor of Israel."
Palpatine stood, attempting to summon the Dark Side. "That's outrageous! That's treason!"
Ben snapped his fingers. A new figure materialized in a golden-lit hologram. The chamber turned as Donald J. Trump appeared, standing in front of a Yuge Death Star blueprint.
"Listen, folks, I gotta say," Trump began, "Ben Shapiro? Total winner. Probably the best Emperor this galaxy's ever seen. The Republic? Total disaster. The Separatists? I call 'em Losers. But Ben? Tremendous guy. Amazing logic. Great hairline."
Ben nodded. "Thank you, Mister President."
The Senate chamber erupted into chaos. Senators were shouting, Jedi were facepalming, and Palpatine looked like he was about to have a Sith-induced aneurysm. Ben Shapiro adjusted his tie, taking a deep breath before launching into another verbal assault.
"Alright, let's break this down even further," he said, raising a hand. "The Republic is failing because it's built on feelings rather than facts and logic. You've got a bloated bureaucracy that moves slower than Jabba the Hutt at an all-you-can-eat buffet, a Jedi Order that runs on 'mystical wisdom' instead of actual strategy, and an economy where space wizards can just wave their hand and steal your property. That's not governance. That's communism."
Padmé Amidala stood up, indignation flashing in her eyes. "That's not true! The Republic is built on democratic principles!"
Ben smirked. "Oh really? Then why did Palpatine just declare himself dictator for the fourth time in a row? You want democracy? Guess what? It died the moment you all collectively decided, 'You know who'd be great with emergency powers? This weird old guy in a hood who keeps monologuing about the Dark Side.'"
Palpatine clenched his fists. "I am the Senate!"
"Yeah, and I'm the IRS, and I'm here to audit your entire scam," Ben fired back. "Let's be real, Palpy—you manipulated an entire galaxy just so you could wear a black bathrobe and throw people off balconies. Not exactly peak efficiency."
Anakin, still trying to figure out what was happening, raised a hand. "But Ben, I just wanted to save Padmé—"
"Oh my God, Anakin, shut up." Ben rubbed his temples. "You sold your soul to a space lich because you got nightmares. That's it. That's the whole reason. You had one job, and you fumbled it harder than a blind Gamorrean in a football match."
"But the Jedi wouldn't let me be a Master!"
Ben threw his hands up. "Gee, I wonder why! Maybe because you're a whiny man-child with the self-control of a rabid womp rat? Maybe because every time something doesn't go your way, you slaughter an entire village? You're not a Jedi, Anakin. You're a Sith with a victim complex."
Anakin looked at the floor, utterly destroyed.
Ben turned back to the Separatists, pointing at Count Dooku. "And you. Don't think I forgot about you, Darth Tyrannosaurus Rex. You left the Republic because you thought it was corrupt—fine. Understandable. But then you went and allied yourself with a droid army that couldn't hit the broad side of a Star Destroyer. Great plan, genius."
Dooku straightened his cape. "We are fighting for freedom from Republic tyranny."
Ben shook his head. "Oh yeah, totally. You fight for freedom by…checks notes…enslaving entire planets and turning them into factory worlds? You replaced politicians with evil megacorporations who literally profit off of war? That's not freedom, that's just Space Halliburton."
Nute Gunray coughed. "The Trade Federation only seeks—"
Ben pointed at him aggressively. "Shut up, dude. The only thing you seek is a new scheme to make money without getting arrested. If I let you run the galaxy, you'd turn Coruscant into one big used-speeder dealership."
The Senate chamber was in shambles. Mace Windu had his head in his hands. Palpatine looked like he was about to start Force-lightning people just for fun. Anakin was going through a full existential crisis.
And then Ben pulled out his trump card.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the solution."
He snapped his fingers. The hologram of Donald Trump reappeared, this time pointing at the massive blueprint for Space Israel.
"We're building a wall, folks," Trump said. "A YUGE wall. It's gonna be fantastic. It's gonna keep out the Separatists, the Sith, and quite frankly, all these bureaucrats who don't know what they're doing as well as all those Chinese-Mexican'ts that keep coming over our border."
Ben nodded. "Effective immediately, we're dissolving both the Republic and the Confederacy. No more Jedi, no more Sith, no more trade disputes. We are instituting a new galactic order based on Judeo-Christian values, free markets, and a strong national defense."
Palpatine gasped. "No! That's—"
Ben held up a finger. "Palpatine, you ever hear of nuclear deterrence?"
Palpatine's eyes widened.
Ben pressed a button.
From orbit, Space Israel fired its first shot with its massive 'Super-Duper Mega Big Dick Iron Dome Jew Space Laser Death Thingy' (All funded by the previous 5 presidents because fuck yeah). A massive explosion engulfed the Middle East sector of the galaxy—Tatooine, Geonosis, everything. The chamber fell dead silent.
Ben turned to the remaining senators.
"Any questions?"
Nobody said a word.
Mace Windu sighed. "Mothafucka, what the fuck is happening right now?"
Sponsored by AIPAC, funded by the US DoD, monitored by Mossad.