Hi! Happy April Fool's!
Minamimoto hates being stuck as healer in-game, judging by his voicelines. That's it. That's why this fic exists. A simple silly idea that works as a quick fic for April Fool's.
Thank you to my anonymous beta for further fleshing out Minamimoto's dialogue! You're the best even when you're busy!
FANG Defender
"Gentlemen, that is surely true, it is absolutely paradoxical; we cannot understand it, and we don't know what it means. But we have proved it, and therefore we know it must be the truth." — Benjamin Peirce
"Worthless zeptograms." Minamimoto jabbed the healing pin.
Every time. Every factoring time they got into a battle, the entire scalene triangle of these zeptograms would flail right into the trajectories of enemy Noise attacks. So Minamimoto, instead of reducing all this trash into imaginary numbers, had to be on healing duty instead. Garbage.
"You trying to get crunched?"
And Minamimoto couldn't just plug one of the zeptograms into the healing equation because of how stupidly suboptimal they were. Zeptogram No. 1 would get so distracted by the sync, cheering on his fellow inverse idiots, that one of those idiots would nearly end up erased before the zeptogram finally noticed and decided it was time to be "feeeeelin' goooood!" Hmph. If his pin could trigger a 12.2-second healing aura with a reboot every 21 seconds, meaning a potential 36.747% healing upkeep, the zeptogram's up time barely reached 2.049%!
The masked zeptogram, meanwhile, would activate his pin with a firm, "All right…! We're good," whenever he spotted a quectometer of health deduction—which wasted the pin immediately, healing only 0.0000000000000000000000000001% of the possible maximum. Then, when a rogue integer subtracted a fat chunk from a brainless binomial's health bar, the zeptogram gasped and worried. But the masked zeptogram couldn't do anything but watch those sums of binomials get trashed for 21 seconds because he'd already divided the team's healing pin from their possibility matrix.
The odd function, at least, didn't go on imaginary tangents or smash the pin the second anyone so much as sneezed. No, she had the timing down pat—in theory. In practice, she would fumble frantically for the pin in her panic-to-the-preposterous-power, stammering out a "Rejuvenate!" while the crunched cube in question keeled over.
Which left a singular 44 capable of executing flawless healing.
"Now that's optimal!"
Minamimoto only bothered to keep these hollow-skulled hectopascals out of the negatives because he had to solve the equation of Zeptogram No. 2's Player pin. If he could find the answer to y, then he could finally crunch this parasitic cyclic Game once and for all! Then he'd integrate himself into the role of Composer, becoming the golden ratio this chaos system deserved! Because 428 was his city! So once Minamimoto had all the variables he needed, these zeptograms could go get fac—
"Whew." Zeptogram No. 1's sine. "Thanks Mr. Minami! You sure are the best at saving our asses, dude!"
"Yeah." The masked zeptogram's cosine. "We really appreciate it."
"Indeed!" The odd function's tangent. "To bask in Y-Y-Your Radiance's glory alone is such an honor! But to also bask in your healing light…" She made a strange keening sound that defied a mathematical translation.
…Heh. Ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!
If there was one thing these bumbling zeptograms could calculate on their own, it was Minamimoto's perfection. They knew flawless calculation when they saw it, even if they couldn't even begin to fully comprehend those finely-tuned formulas. That put these zeptograms a plane above those radian Reapers he used to be summed with. Those 000s who avoided Minamimoto like a boss Noise, when even Zeptogram No. 1 could casually stroll up to his side. Those 000s who would refuse to understand Minamimoto's mathematically immaculate logic, when the masked zeptogram would at least try educating himself on his phone. Those 000s who would scoff at Minamimoto's magnificent body, when the odd function openly studied its acute beauty.
"Man, I'm starving though. Fighting Noise sure burns up calories, huh?" Zeptogram No. 1 turned toward Minamimoto, thoughtlessly fearless. "Wanna join us for a bite to eat, Mina-man? Or at least a drink? Your superhero soda's on me today!"
Minamimoto smirked. "Fine, I'll integrate."
Nothing like a little flattery to get the local math maniac to like you better, heh. As well as actual companionship, but you won't ever hear him admit that.
I have a bunch of things lined up, just waiting for beta stuff on a bunch of things. But the next thing that'll pop up will probably be a Fret bday oneshot.
Hope you enjoyed!