DISCLAIMER: I do not own Rizzoli & Isles nor any of the characters from the show. I am writing this purely for entertainment, not profit. Rizzoli and Isles are property of Tess Gerritsen and TNT.
For full disclaimers, please refer to the first chapter.
Chapter 10
"They are from four different occasions, not seven separate occasions." Jane explained quickly, as if it made everything better.
Maura shuddered. It meant that, in more than one occasion, Jane had received multiple shots of high caliber AK rifles to her torso. At least Maura could see they were all in the weak points of the standard army body armor, meaning Jane was likely wearing the default protocol security elements. But still, any one of those individual shots could have been fatal. Two combined, even more. Maura shuddered again.
"These were all big caliber guns…" Maura tried, realizing she had unconsciously approached Jane, the pads of her fingers tracing the scars gently.
"Yes. They did their damage…" Jane admitted, losing herself in hazel green eyes.
Maura sighed.
"How much pain were you in?"
"Not enough." Jane admitted, and Maura knotted her eyebrows, missing the point, so Jane explained. "For so long I wished there was a physical pain that could dull my inner pain somehow..." Jane sighed.
"How did that work for you?" Maura inquired, not in an accusatory tone, but genuinely curious. Because Maura knew how many nights she herself had laid down on a flat mat on the packed dirty floor of the medical hoot of a village or another, reveling in the discomfort, in the hopes the pain in her back and in each muscle of her tired body could dull the pain in her soul. It didn't. She knew how many times she had walked miles under the scorching African sun, thinking her calves would burn and bust, and the pain was still not nearly enough.
"It didn't…" Jane admitted.
"And it was clearly not for lack of trying." Maura tried to lighten the mood, as her hands moved from one scar to another.
"Clearly." Jane shook her head, removing the towel from her hair, pulling the t-shirt over her torso, and putting on panties and the shorts Maura had left for her, before sitting in bed.
Maura handed her a glass of water, and the pills she had fished from Jane's rucksack.
"Your antibiotic, and the painkillers. From the times on the flasks, and converting to Boston hours, you should be taking them now."
"Thank you." Jane gulped the pills and the water, handing the glass back to Maura.
When she moved to dry her hair, Maura approached gently.
"May I?"
"Sure." Jane offered, in a small voice, but reveling in the care and tenderness of Maura's touch to towel dry her hair, before brushing it. Jane was half asleep while seating, and Maura pulled the comforter and fluffed Jane's pillow dramatically, helping Jane to lay down with a groan.
"Jesus, it has been three years since I have laid in a proper bed. Definitely army's cots suck…"
Maura shook her head, recovering the clothes and towels spread around the bedroom, before moving to the bathroom to get ready for bed herself.
She came back wearing one of her satin PJ's, and slipped on her side of the bed. She was expecting Jane to be asleep after the long day spent travelling, but she was still awake, turned on her side to face Maura.
Jane extended her hands in front of her, taking Maura's hands in hers.
"I missed you, Maura. So very, very much…" Jane admitted, quietly, in her rich deep voice.
"I missed you too, Jane. Every single moment of every single day…" Maura responded earnestly.
"Where do we go from here?" Jane sighed, unsure.
"I don't know… I do know that since you arrived, I felt at home more than I felt in the past two weeks I have been here..."
"Maura… I came back because a letter would take too long to reach you. You needed to know I never blamed you for what happened. There was nothing for you to notice before…" Jane tried, and Maura's response was a heartfelt sob.
Jane pulled Maura closer to her, into the circle of her arms, holding her tightly, and for the first time in three years she felt less fragmented, more wholesome.
Jane held Maura while sobs raked the smaller woman's frame, whispering over and over by Maura's ear: "It was not your fault. Not your fault." While Jane's own tears streamed through her face. "It was all my fault, Maura, never yours."
Maura immediately tensed in Jane's arms, struggling to move enough to face her.
"No, Jane. No. It was never your fault. Never. Do you hear me?" Maura insisted, urgently.
"But it was, Maura. In almost nine years with us, she had what? Three colds? There was nothing for you to notice, she never got ill or sick. As for me… If I had not insisted in her joining the Girls' Scouts… Things could have turned out differently. We might have had a chance to find out about her condition…" Jane's voice broke, and she shook her head, the pain constricting her ability to breathe.
Maura squeezed her tightly, sighing, while Jane's thin frame shook in her arms.
"Did you watch the video I sent you?" Maura asked, after Jane's sobs subdued a long while later.
"I did." Jane sobbed.
"So you heard from herself that joining the Girls' Scouts made her happy, Jane. Competing in that event made her happy. It was not your fault, it was never your fault…" Maura offered compassionately. "I still can't lie, Jane. And I have no hives… You must believe me… It was not your fault…"
They held on to each other as if the world had stopped and the only thing holding the universe together was their embrace. And for them it probably was.
After another long while, when Jane could finally get a hold of her tears, she tried. "My gut tells me that you didn't catch a serious malaria case suddenly. That you let it happen or grow worse and more serious than it should have been. You had a death wish…"
She felt Maura tense in her arms, but Jane just tightened her hold. Maura didn't deny it – she still couldn't lie, and Jane knew it.
"The wounds I saw on you were clearly life threatening." Maura tried on her end.
"They were, especially when combined… Being honest, and you saw it for yourself, I had my own death wish…" Jane admitted, quietly, since what she was saying was not meant as an accusation, but just to state the facts.
Jane felt Maura's arms tightening around her.
"What is so easy and quick for some, seems to be completely unattainable for others..." Maura mused in a very small voice muffled by Jane's skin, and Jane knew she herself had entertained the same thought so many times…
"I take it probably means we still have something to accomplish in this life, Maura…" Jane started, moving her eyes around them.
Maura nodded, because she felt the same.
"And I also do know I can't accomplish anything more on my own…" Jane admitted, swallowing hard, exhausted physically and emotionally. She was willing to try again. There might still be life left to live. With Maura.
"Neither can I… Together, Jane. As we always did?" Maura pushed to look up questioningly at Jane's eyes.
"Together." Jane replied with decision in her voice, craning her neck to lightly brush her lips against Maura's. It was chaste and loving. It was meant as comfort, and healing, and home. "I love you…" Jane added against Maura's lips.
"I love you too…" Maura sighed, and moved to relax in the circle of Jane's arms, before finally hearing Jane's compassed breathing, and feeling Jane's compassed heartbeat against her ear, and relaxing enough to fall asleep herself.
That was what home felt like…