DISCLAIMER: I do not own Rizzoli & Isles nor any of the characters from the show. I am writing this purely for entertainment, not profit. Rizzoli and Isles are property of Tess Gerritsen and TNT.
For full disclaimers, please refer to the first chapter.
Chapter 11
Angela opened the backdoor coming from the guest house.
She felt older than her years. The past three years had taken her toll on all of them. But she knew she carried a heavier burden. What she said to Jane more than three years ago could never be taken back. Never. But she wished she could one day at least explain to Jane, and convince her daughter that Angela knew she was not guilty.
She spent most of her time at Tommy's lately, keeping an eye on TJ, but her house was still the guesthouse.
It was early in the evening, and she was surprised to find all lights off in the main house – where would Maura be? Could she possibly have left again without saying goodbye? Angela's heart broke just to think about it. But could she blame Maura? Being here without Mia and without Jane must have been torture for Maura during the past two weeks.
When Angela spotted the abandoned army boots by the sofa, and the empty take out containers and dirty dishes by the sink, as well as the empty beer bottle and wine glass, her eyes welled in tears, her heart drumming in her chest, and Angela silently walked back through the back door, closing it quietly behind her.
Jane. Jane was also back.
There would be a chance to talk to her.
Not to ask for forgiveness, because Angela knew the damage she had caused was not eligible for forgiveness. Not even Angela could forgive herself.
But to at least be able to say, face to face to Jane, that Angela did not blame her. Not now. Not ever.
(…)
"You woke up early…" Maura mumbled in a sleepy voice, awoken by the first lights of dawn filtering through the curtains, and finding chocolate brown eyes observing her. "Are you in any pain?"
"No… I think my biological clock is messed up with the timezone."
"Well, here in Boston is not even seven in the morning… How long have you been awake?"
"Just a few minutes. I was just enjoying watching you asleep." Jane squeezed Maura's body against hers gently.
Maura offered a small smile. Jane was the sweetest person towards those she loved.
"Do you want to try to sleep some more?"
"Not now. I don't even remember falling asleep last night. And I didn't even dream."
"That is good, it means you got more than ten hours of rest, what will help with your knee wound healing." Maura concluded, moving to sit.
"Where do you think you are going?"
"I am not going anywhere. Just picking the glass of water and your pills. You know the timing for the antibiotic is key."
Jane nodded, sitting just enough to take her medicines, and then laying back, pulling Maura to lay curled into her, and kissing Maura's hair gently.
"I take it you saw my family and that was how you got the PO Box information…" Jane tried, her voice uncertain.
Maura felt Jane's uneasiness.
"Yes. When I landed, I was not sure if anyone would want to see me, after all that happened, after all I did, or better saying after all that I failed to do…" Maura sighed, and Jane squeezed her tightly. "I went to Frankie in the precinct, hoping we could keep civilized in neutral ground. He told me what had happened after I left, and gave me the info to contact you. He also tried to level set my expectations, since apparently he wrote you many times, but never heard back from you…"
Jane swallowed, hard.
"There was nothing to tell them… I was either shooting the bad guys, or recovering in a hospital bed from being shot by the bad guys… How is him?"
"He is doing good, Jane. I visited him in the precinct, and I also had lunch with them in their apartment, with Nina and Stella. They are all doing fine… But he misses you. A lot."
"Did you… Did you see Ma?" Jane asked, tense, her voice small and broken.
"A few times, always briefly. She deeply regrets what she said and the way she behaved…" Maura tried.
"Don't we all?" Jane sighed. "I deeply regret not having had the balls to at least stay for the funeral."
"I regret that too… And I wonder how different things would have turned out if I had not run away…" Maura admitted, guilt lacing her voice.
"Have you… visited her?" Jane tried, her voice breaking, knowing none of them had been there for the funeral.
"Every day since I landed in Boston." Maura admitted in a small broken voice, her eyes welled in tears.
"Do you think you could drive me to the cemetery?"
"But your leg…"
"I promise it will be only to walk from the car to her grave, and back to the car."
Maura thought about convincing Jane to delay, but she recognized in Jane the same need that had taken over her as soon as she landed in Boston. See their daughter's grave, given none of them had been there to lay her to rest.
"Okay. But you need to eat something first."
"We. We need to eat something first."
Maura nodded, moving to stand, grabbing the crutches, and handing them to Jane.
When Jane came out of the bathroom, Maura had separated easy clothes for her to wear during the day, and left Jane to change while Maura showered.
Maura got a quick breakfast ready for them, before moving carefully with Jane to the car.
Without needing to agree on it, Maura stopped by a flower shop, and let Jane pick the flowers she wanted.
When they arrived at the cemetery, Maura helped Jane out of the car, before picking up the vase and walking by Jane's side.
Jane could see, from the distance, which one was Mia's grave. There were multiple vases of beautiful, bright, colorful flowers spread all over it.
Knowing Maura had mentioned she was coming every day, Jane could figure every day Maura would bring flowers – and remove the ones that were starting to wilt.
Jane felt the pang of longing knocking the air out of her, and for a moment she doubted she could make the last steps to the grave.
Jane stopped by the grave, and Maura moved to place the flowers Jane had chosen in a prominent space, before going back to lean on Jane's side.
Maura felt Jane's impossibly lean body shake with a sob, and passed an arm around Jane's waist, hugging Jane, providing her unconditional support, her own tears wetting her face. Maura knew it was useless to try to stop Jane's sobs. They were the accumulated years of pain trying to find some release.
(…)
Angela knocked softly on the back door of Maura's house, but nobody answered. She checked outside and saw that Maura's rental car was not there.
Angela sighed. She was not sure how to approach Jane. She didn't want to cause a scene. She didn't want to hurt her daughter any more than she had already done.
She shook her head and decided to go to a place where she sometimes went when she needed to think.
(…)
"Do you think she was in any pain… when it happened?" Jane asked, after she had cried herself dry.
"No… It was really fast for her, Jane." That Maura could answer without a doubt. If it had not been that fast, they might have stood a chance of doing something to try to save her. "She went with a smile on her lips, happy with what she was doing…" Maura added in a small voice.
Jane nodded, tightening her hold on Maura.
"We will be back, baby…" Jane said in the direction of the grave, in a sweet small voice, that Maura knew was reserved to Mia alone.
They turned slowly for Jane to begin the painful path back to the car, when they spotted Angela that was walking distractedly in their direction.
Maura tensed. She was not sure how Jane would handle Angela now. Or what Angela would say. It had been more than three years, but at the same time everything was still so raw…
"Jane." Angela was surprised, stopping on her steps. She immediately took in the crutches, and the heavily bandaged leg, and the haggard look Jane was spotting. It broke her heart.
"Ma." Jane stopped as well, seeing for the first time the toll the last years had taken on her mother. Angela always looked younger than her age. Now, she looked much older than her actual age.
They were about ten feet apart.
"I am sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you." Angela stuttered, unsure.
"You can visit with her, Ma, we were already on our way out." Jane offered, civilized. Both Angela and Maura could hear the deep hurt in Jane's voice.
"Jane… I… I know what I did is unforgiveable. But I need you to hear it from me: it was not your fault. Even when I said it to you back then, I knew it was not your fault…"
"Ma…" Jane's voice was broken.
"Please, Jane. Please let me finish… I was in so much pain that I needed to find a scape goat. And instead of blaming the only one who could be blamed, God, I chose to blame someone that was right in front of me, who was an easy target for my anger."
Angela sighed, shaking her head.
"And not content with that, I just assumed the reason for Maura leaving, and threw that at you as well. The irony of it is that you were never to blame. But I… I deserve the blame. You are only in those crutches because of me. Any other scar you gained in the past three years were caused by me. Even whatever happened to Maura in Africa was caused by me."
"I blamed myself, Ma…" Jane tried to placate Angela.
"And it was my job as your mother to show you were wrong, Jane. No matter how, I should have showed you that. Convinced you of that. And then instead of going into kamikaze missions with Secret Ops in Afghanistan, maybe you would just have tracked Maura to the heart of Africa and together you might have begun your healing years ago…"
"Angela…" Maura tried, seeing the pain in Angela's face, and hearing it in Angela's broken voice.
"The damage I caused, not only to you but the ripple effect it had to us all, is something I will never forgive myself for. And we all have been living with the consequences of the damage I caused for the past three years. I am really, really sorry that I failed you as your mother in such a difficult moment, Jane. You were always a better mother to Mia than I ever was to you." Angela's voice was broken, and tears had been streaming her face.
Jane was silent, and Angela just walked past her and Maura, moving towards Mia's grave.
Angela at least felt a bit relieved that she had been able to get it out of her chest, and that Jane had heard it from her. She just hoped Jane could finally believe Jane was not to blame, the same way Jane had not hesitated in believing Angela three years ago when she had stated she was to blame.
"Ma?"
Angela stopped, looking over her shoulder.
"However good of a mother I ever was to her… I learned it all from you." Jane offered sincerely, and Angela gave her the shadow of a tiny smile and a nod, before continuing to Mia's grave.
It was not forgiveness – and it might never be.
But it was the beginning of an understanding.
For the first time in more than three years, Angela felt a tiny ray of hope.
They've been broken. Badly broken.
And the fragments had been spread all over the place.
Maybe they could not make the same old whole together.
But they could at least try to make a new patched whole to keep moving forward.
Maura had a word for that…
Angela remembered when Mia had accidentally broken one of Maura's Japanese vases and had been disconsolate about it, knowing the damage was irreparable. Maura had taken Mia with her to the specialized repair shop, where they used lacquer and gold to patch it. The patches were completely obvious and visible, and beautiful in their own way. Angela would need to google the name of it. But she hoped they could do something similar with the precious fragments left of their lives.
(note: Kintsugi or Kintsukuroi, is the process of repairing ceramics traditionally with lacquer and gold, leaving a gold seam where the cracks are, used in Japan. It treats breakage and repair as part of the history of something, rather than something to disguise.)