Chapter Forty Nine
If Kelly had to place her hand on the bible and swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the whole truth, she'd have to admit that she didn't think there was a real chance she could win Melissa back. When she hopped on the plane in October in pursuit of that tiniest spark she felt was still alive between them, she didn't really think she would succeed. She just knew she had to try.
She never would have thought after the way Jane and Melissa ripped her heart out of her chest while it was still beating that she'd ever fly half way around the world again for her wife and yet the moment the call came in her heart gave her no choice. Even though she had a gaping hole in her chest she still dropped everything for Melissa.
All of the heartache and drama and out of character actions that have haunted her since October are not things she could have ever predicted. Her habit of falling for emotionally damaged or unavailable women isn't new. Usually though she would excise them from her life with precision and move on to the next lost cause before they could absolutely decimate her heart.
With Melissa it was different and Kelly could list dozens of little things that might begin to explain it, but it still wouldn't make sense. It isn't like Melissa's smile or laugh or the way her eyes shimmer in the moonlight are exclusively the most wonderful she has ever experienced. Kelly can't even say Melissa is the best listener she's ever been attracted to either, but still she keeps coming back like a sad little puppy.
Even over the last couple of days where it is beyond clear that she is not in the running for Melissa's heart, Kelly has been steadfast and true and given her every ounce of support she could. If she doesn't get much needed separation, such as the entire Pacific Ocean between them, she suspects she will keep giving damn near all she has to a woman who can't love her back.
Well, if she is to be completely honest with herself, Kelly isn't that bothered by it all. Yes she still feels a need to play knight in shining armour, but that's kind of who she is. She is compassionate and kind. She wants to do right by Melissa and when the divorce papers arrive and are signed she will have done that. She will be free of the ties that bind. She will be able to put an ocean between them without feeling guilty about it. Not that she should. She knows she shouldn't, but she feels it all the same.
Of course the real issue at hand is that Kelly doesn't want to go home. She wants to stay right here. She wants to keep Maura close. She finds herself daydreaming she is the one Maura wants to keep close too. Not that she'll ever mention that to anyone. Ever.
Logic says she has to leave once the divorce papers are signed and while there's a ghost of a thought that suggests she drag out the divorce process she dismisses it very quickly. She simply wouldn't be the person Maura has grown to trust if she acts that way. So her days in Tasmania are numbered. In less than two weeks she'll be going home to Boston.
Her only goal in that time, besides finalising her divorce, is to be the best friend she can be to Maura with the hopes that when she returns home it will not turn into a case of out of sight out of mind. Kelly thinks that might just be the worst thing that could happen, but she is also more than aware that these feelings will pass. They always do. Eventually.
The result of that goal is this moment in time now, where Kelly finds herself staring at the plate in front of her completely oblivious to the food that is on it. It tastes wonderful, but even though she was chatting with Maura while she cooked up a storm this afternoon, there is zero brain power reserved for recognising any of it now.
Maura is sitting next to her at the table in an absolutely stunning black dress and five inch heels. Her perfume smells so ridiculously good that Kelly can barely make eye contact. Not that Maura would notice her if she did, she is too busy watching Rachael like a hawk. She has what has to be an absolutely delightful smile plastered across her face and Kelly has no idea how she does it. She lifts her own eyes and watches as Gabby's eyes bounce between Rachael who is seated beside her and across the table towards Maura. They've been doing that throughout this entire dinner, just bouncing back and forth like a ping pong ball. The look on her face is pretty much as incredulous as Kelly feels.
Maura is giving off Brie Vanderkamp vibes, caught somewhere between Martha Stewart and a stepford wife. She is in absolute control. Has been from the moment Rachael arrived at the door. Maura greeted her warmly and showed her in. Then complimented something about something, but Kelly honestly cannot remember what because she was too busy picking her jaw up from the floor. She knew Maura could be a hostess, but that level of politeness was not what she was expecting. She was so thrown that Gabby had to grab her by the arm and tug to get her moving towards the dining room. They shared a look then. A look that told her Gabby was just as creeped out by Maura's immaculate manners.
Creeped out might not be the most accurate description of how she felt, but then again Rachael matching Maura's energy and returning her compliment with two of her own and offering her appreciation for the time and energy put into dinner wasn't exactly on Kelly's bingo card for the evening either. The claws are surely going to come out soon. This niceness cannot go on forever, can it?
After another compliment from Maura to Rachael about the quality of her pantsuit, Kelly finds herself staring at her plate once more. This whole scenario is surreal and ridiculous and boy does she really want to punch Rachael in the mouth one more time. It is sickening watching and listening to her darn near professional attempt to garner sympathy from the room, though she doubts Maura is buying a single word. Kelly certainly isn't. She knows a snake oil salesman when she sees one.
A boot to her shin makes her choke briefly on her food and when she stops coughing and looks up she sees that both Maura and Rachael's eyes are firmly planted on her. Feeling like a total deer in headlights she blurts out, "Wrong pipe. Inhaled a little asparagus. Sorry."
Kelly quickly glances at Gabby who is feigning innocence. She probably wanted to break the awkward energy in the air, so Kelly doesn't say anything. She instead returns her attention to Maura.
"Did you need some water?" Maura asks, looking a little worried.
It is the first time since Rachael arrived that Maura has even noticed she exists and Kelly feels her cheeks redden a little from the attention. Thankfully she can play that off as embarrassment. She quickly reaches out for the glass of white wine in front of her and takes a hearty gulp. "I'm good, thank you."
Maura's smile is soft and then her attention is diverted to Gabby and in that moment Kelly catches Rachael's eyes. An absolute chill runs down Kelly's spine when Rachael smirks at her a little and takes a sip from her own glass. Her eyes briefly dart towards Maura and Kelly feels like her stomach hits the floor. Surely Rachael can't possibly have figured her feelings out, right? I mean she isn't that obvious. Is she? Fuck.
Kelly glances at Gabby to see if she's noticed, but thankfully she's looking at Maura with a loving smile too caught up in her own feelings to catch anything else happening at the table. Kelly looks back towards Rachael whose eyes flick from Gabby back to her. Her smirk deepens. She oozes the confidence of an alpha predator about to pounce on its unexpecting prey. Kelly feels a sharp pain lance through her chest and sweat starts beading around her hairline. Her body begins to flash slowly between hot and cold as she realises she is that prey. She quickly drains the last of the wine in her glass and sets it down. She tugs at her collar, loosening it a little as it feels a little warm and a little hard to breathe.
Doing her best to maintain her composure Kelly says, "Actually, you know what? I am going to get some water. Anyone need anything while I'm up?"
She doesn't wait for an answer. She's up on her feet and carefully moving around the dining table, navigating not just the furniture but the tightness she feels building in her chest. Even though she feels like the walls are closing in she can't help herself but to stop and turn back to look at Maura. She gets caught looking. Maura's eyes are planted firmly on her and they're a picture of worry. She watches as her friend dabs at her lips with a napkin before pushing back her chair and quietly excusing herself. Kelly's eyes dart back to where she's walking and she quickly leaves the room, because this feels so very much like something it isn't.
Maura's perfect etiquette and manners might be throwing Gabby for a loop, but Kelly knows that she is not fooling Rachael one bit. Maura's suddenly overly attentive behaviour towards her has potentially provided Rachael with plenty of ammunition to use against them in the future. Kelly may not know much, if anything at all about Rachael, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that she is one very dangerous and manipulative bitch. Maura standing up to Rachael when she was trying to get her claws into Melissa again has already put a target on the beautiful doctor's back, and if that knowing smirk tells Kelly anything, it's that both she and Maura may have walked right into Rachael's crosshairs.
Kelly sighs to herself. Her thoughts heavy even as subconsciously she clocks the clicking of the heels following her down the hall. She raises a shaky hand and removes a glass from the cupboard, placing it as delicately as she can on the counter. The sudden tingling in her fingertips is not helping matters. She knows she needs to move and fill the glass with water from the fridge, but she can't. Despite feeling like Maura following after her is the absolute worst thing that could happen right now, a part of her relishes it. A part of her feels euphoric that she registers as important enough for Maura to worry about even in the midst of her charm offensive.
In the back of her mind Kelly processes that the clicking has stopped. She hears a voice nearby but it doesn't really register. An unexpected wave of nausea and grief rolls through her body and she can't do anything more than latch onto the counter. Kelly's eyes fall on her whitening knuckles and she wills herself to remain upright.
Kelly practically jumps out of her skin when she feels a hand on her shoulder. Her heart thrums rapidly against her ribcage even as she takes several deep breaths in an attempt to calm herself. The whiff of Maura's perfume helps. She feels embarrassed by how jumpy she is, but there's a lot going on. She closes her eyes briefly before turning and offering Maura the best smile she can. It doesn't feel overly positive and definitely isn't one of her more radiant ones either. It's half hearted and a testament to the stress she's feeling.
"Are you alright?"
Maura's voice is so soft and conscientious. It makes Kelly's heart melt. Well, what little of it is left anyway. She can't begin to voice how she's feeling so all she does is shake her head lightly. It was an absolute mistake to put herself anywhere near Rachael.
"What's wrong?"
Kelly watches Maura's brow crease with her concern and finds herself exhaling a soft huff of air. She wants to play it off for what it mostly is: sharing a meal with Rachael. However she finds she can't because the tightness she felt in her chest on the way out of the dining room has intensified and now her breaths are short and sharp. She wants to believe it's because Maura's beauty is taking her breath away, but an overwhelming feeling of dread winds its way along her spine. She rubs her chest with one hand and white knuckles the countertop with her other.
Dark spots start appearing in her vision and her legs start to feel weak. She feels herself lean further into the countertop as she stops rubbing her chest and presses her fingers against the pulse point on her neck. Her heart is absolutely racing. Her mind whispers that she's having a heart attack and while a part of her knows better, the sense of impending doom is hard to shake.
She stares right through Maura as her mind races. She tries to slow her breathing and calm herself down. She turns her body and places her other hand against the bench, hunching over slightly as the constriction in her chest feels like tendrils of dread slowly squeezing the life out of her.
She feels Maura take her hand gently and turn it over. Two fingers firmly press against the pulse point on her wrist and after mere seconds she feels Maura's hand slide across the small of her back. Her voice is soft and calm, like a song in Kelly's ears. She's worried. Kelly doesn't want her to worry. Her mouth's dry, but she attempts to explain. "I'll be fine, I just… I need a minute."
Maura's hand slides rhythmically up and down her back. Kelly tries to ignore the intended calming sensation because it's only fueling her panic. This tenderness is simultaneously welcomed and terror inducing. How might Rachael use her feelings against Maura? Her hands ball up into tight fists as she tries to follow the soft instructions her friend is giving her. She takes a deep breath as instructed and gets a whiff of the delicate flowery perfume that Maura chose for the evening. It takes everything she has not to turn towards Maura who is standing so close that Kelly can feel the heat radiating from her body.
An image pops into her mind. A little thought. What would happen if she did turn towards her? What would happen if she licks her own lips and drops her eyes to the supple mouth she wants to taste? What if she runs her hand through Maura's hair and looks up into her eyes allowing her to see the unadulterated want in her own? What if she throws caution to the wind and kisses her with all that she is?
"Breathe for me darling."
Kelly snaps out of her thoughts and makes an effort to breathe deeply. It feels like a fight she can't win because her chest feels as if it is weighed down by a giant boulder. With the last of her willpower she backs away from Maura, bumping into the cupboard as she does so. She slides down to the floor and lays her head back against the solid wood. She actively focuses on her breathing as instructed so that she doesn't have to look up into worried eyes. She can't be focused on them right now because her feelings are a weapon that she knows Rachael will use.
Movement catches her eye and Kelly can't help but watch once she realises that Maura is taking off her heels and adjusting her dress as she carefully sits down on the floor next to her. It is unexpected and it throws Kelly's head for a complete loop. That dress has to be worth thousands of dollars and Maura is sitting on the kitchen floor like it's nothing. Immaculately clean floor of course, but still. There's no way in Hell Kelly would ever get anywhere close to the floor in a dress like that.
Maura's hands are folded neatly in her lap, but her eyes burn right through Kelly. "How long have you been having panic attacks?"
Maura's words wash over her like a relieving salve. Of course, it's a panic attack. She has experienced these before, not at this damn level, but there's a history. The fact that a trained medical doctor isn't freaking out right now is enough to allow her to breathe a little deeper. She isn't about to die. She will be okay. She simply has to breathe.
"It started the night I almost killed Missy." Kelly admits quietly, turning her attention to the wall opposite them, still working through each breath like it is going to be her last. It helps to talk, which she is sure Maura understands, but this isn't something she's mentioned to anyone other than her therapist. She hasn't even told Melissa about this issue. The only other person who knows about it is a kind nurse who was just knocking off work and found her in the bathroom at the hospital struggling to breathe. "I've never felt this bad before. This one is at a whole new level."
"It must have been terrifying."
"I guess." Kelly says allowing herself to think back on a night she's tried desperately to put behind her. She was convinced she had killed her wife. The surgery was taking so long and the longer it took the more her thoughts spiralled. She still doesn't understand why she panicked like that, but her therapist assured her that it isn't unusual for trauma to cause panic attacks. There's nothing more traumatic than thinking you've killed the woman you love, at least, not as far as Kelly is concerned.
A lone tear trickles down her face as she admits, "I thought I'd killed her."
Another sharp pain lances through her chest and her breath catches in her throat as she thinks back to that night. She clutches at her chest and blinks away several fresh tears. She whispers, "Maybe this is my punishment."
"Darling, no." Maura coos. "It was an accident."
Kelly barely notices how sweet and gentle Maura's tone is though because all of her attention and her eyes are drawn to where Maura's hand has interwoven with her own. She lifts her eyes and turns her head. Maura looks so damn beautiful even through the worry lines. No one has ever worried about her like this and if Kelly is completely honest with herself, no one has comforted her like this either. She is usually the one doing the comforting. She is the one being strong. She is the one holding the women around her together. She isn't used to being this vulnerable, but all she wants is to drop all of her walls and invite Maura inside. Feeling this vulnerable has never felt so right before.
"Maura," she utters quietly, wetting her lips subconsciously as she struggles to find the words to best explain how she's feeling. Her eyes drop back to their intertwined fingers and for a moment she breathes freely. She realises her chest is loosening up and her head isn't spinning so badly anymore. Talking is helping. Being vulnerable, surprisingly, is helping.
"I had her blood quite literally on my hands."
A shudder rolls down her spine as her mind flashes back to being on her knees, cradling Melissa in her arms and begging her to hold on. Then she remembers the first update she received at the hospital. The very chilling update where it was explained how close the bullet had come to causing fatal damage. She was being praised for her quick thinking and learning how important the pressure she applied ended up being, but all her brain heard at that moment was 'you shot your wife'. No freakin' wonder she had a panic attack.
"I can't begin to imagine the guilt you felt," Maura says quietly, gently squeezing her hand, drawing Kelly's eyes upwards towards hers. "But I do understand holding the life of someone you love deeply in your own hands. When Jane shot herself to stop Bobby I was the one to apply the pressure to her wound while waiting for the EMTs. There was so much blood I feared she had opened up her hepatic artery. I'm still not sure how she survived."
Maura's voice sounds quite pragmatic as if she is contemplating the medicine behind it, while her face screams heartache. Kelly finds herself a little mesmerised and quite saddened. She remembers Jane's heroics. Her father went on about how damn brave that was after he saw it in the news, which probably explains in some ways why he has been so intent on taking Melissa to the cleaners in her divorce. He feels betrayed by his city's hero cop. Kelly sighs, surprised by the connections her brain is making when all she wants to do is focus on Maura and the here and now.
"That's easy," Kelly says, coming back round to Maura's last words. "She didn't want to leave you because back then as oblivious as she may have been, she loved you. You gave her a reason to hold on."
"I gave her a reason to be reckless." Maura says quietly, her eyes so clearly haunted. "She let Bobby take her hostage to keep me safe."
"So you do understand the guilt I felt." Kelly says, recognising the signs hidden in Maura's eyes.
"I didn't pull the trigger."
Maura's voice is so quiet and respectful. There's a clear sparkle in her eyes, which almost stops Kelly's heart right there on the spot. She forces herself to take another deep breath because she knows that Maura is simply trying to communicate that she doesn't think the guilt she feels can begin to compare. Kelly quickly realises the sparkle she sees are tears welling and it causes her heart to lurch in her chest.
Kelly shifts on the spot just enough so that she is better facing Maura, it isn't exactly comfortable, but she can't exactly stop herself either. Or the hand that reaches out and gently wipes the tears from Maura's cheek. Her hand lingers and her voice is almost hoarse from the emotion she's feeling balloon up in her chest. "She chose that, Maura. Not you."
Maura's eyes are locked onto hers and it should feel uncomfortable and awkward, but it doesn't. Kelly definitely thinks she should look away before every little thing growing inside her is out there in the open for Maura to see, but she can't. She is drawn like a moth to a flame and she may well get burned.
Maura's eyes cut right through her with a surprising intensity. Kelly feels a lump forming in her throat even as her own lips betray her with a whispered utterance, "She's a fool for walking away from you."
Maura's eyes flutter closed and for a moment it feels like she is turning into her hand, which is still pressed against soft flesh. Her thumb strokes lazily almost as if it has a mind of its own. Kelly feels like she is in a car driving at 90 miles an hour and there's a corner coming up fast and if she doesn't put the brakes on she is going to go flying over the edge into oblivion. She isn't so sure she wants to pump the brakes.
She slides her hand down Maura's cheek and hooks her finger under her chin. She tilts her face so that they can make eye contact. "Look at me."
Maura's eyes flash open and the depth of emotion on display would have put Kelly on her ass if she wasn't already pretty much there. There's something between them. It isn't one sided. There's no mistaking the way Maura is looking at her. She wants her too. Kelly's breath quickens as she races through the ramifications of making a move. What if she's wrong? What if she's only seeing what she wants to see? She could make things so much worse. She can't do this. She shouldn't do this. They're wrapped up in their emotions. It's trauma bonding. It's…
Kelly's mind goes completely blank when the back of Maura's hand grazes across her cheek. She closes her eyes and revels in the ghost of a touch gliding across her skin. It feels so surreal, like she's living in a dream reality. Maura Isles is touching her face with such tenderness and has been looking at her with an unexpected reverence. It can't possibly be real.
"I feel so unsettled when you're distant." Maura whispers.
Kelly opens her eyes and feels like she's being torn asunder when she looks into Maura's hazel orbs. She isn't sure what to say, because she's so far from being distant right now. She is dangerously open. Her heart is a raging inferno and she's threatening to set the whole world on fire just to get the briefest taste of this woman's lips.
"You plague my thoughts a lot more than you should."
It would be so easy to recoil feeling hurt by Maura's choice of words, but Kelly immediately understands that she's trying to piece together this thing between them. Kelly ignores it as another sharp pain moves through her chest, instead focusing on her desire to make sure Maura doesn't feel alone in her vulnerability. "I can't stop thinking about you either."
"This is not who I am."
"I know."
The entire world around them melts away as Maura leans closer and Kelly matches her movement. Her eyes firmly plant on watery hazel ones.
"This isn't who I want to be."
"I know."
They creep ever so closer together. Kelly's hand brushes through Maura's hair as her eyes close. She can feel Maura's breath on her lips and right as she is on the cusp of Heaven she is yanked into the depths of Hell. She feels herself being pulled up from the ground by her collar and her eyes open to be confronted by sheer unrestrained fury on Gabby's face. Her own hands fly up towards Gabby's which are tightly gripping her shirt. She clutches at her wrists and tries to break free, but she has nothing on this woman right now.
She scrambles to explain, terrified by the humanity fading from Gabby's eyes right in front of her. "It's not-"
"Don't you dare fuckin' lie to me." Gabby growls, pulling her ever so closer, so that they're nose to nose. "After all she's done for you. You're in here trying to kiss my girlfriend?"
Kelly's eyes dart towards Maura who is now on her feet attempting to grab Gabby by the arm. Immediately her mind flashes back to that night with Alexis trembling in pure fear after Gabby's fist went through the mirror. Kelly feared for Alexis' life that night, and right now she fears not only for her own, but for Maura. She can't comprehend the words flying out of Maura's mouth as she clutches fruitlessly at Gabby's arm. It terrifies her. If Gabby turns on her, all will be lost.
"Gabby please," Maura's voice finally hits Kelly's ears. She sounds so desperate. So broken.
"Don't you fuckin' look at her." Gabby growls, shaking Kelly for good measure.
Tears stream down Kelly's face as she confronts the monster she's always known has been buried just below the surface. Her vision is getting spotty, despite her every effort to suck in oxygen. She struggles mightily thinking that Gabby must be strangling her, but when her eyes drop she realises Gabby is merely scruffing her collar tightly as before.
Oh fuck.
"Jesus Gabs, put her down." Rachael interjects firmly. "Haven't you learned anything in the last decade?"
"Stay the fuck out of this!" Gabby growls.
"I'm sor-"
"Shut up!" Gabby roars, shaking her again.
Kelly's chest tightens to the point that it feels like she's having a heart attack. She tries and fails to break free of Gabby's grasp, her arms too weak to make any headway. Her eyes search for and find Maura because if this is to be her last moment on earth, it's her eyes she wants to see.
Rachael looms large in her vision as she slides between Gabby and Maura, gripping the arm of the enraged woman tightly. Her mouth is moving, but Kelly's ears feel like she's underwater, so she can't quite make out what's being said. Moments later Gabby lets her go and she falls in a heap on the floor, her legs too weak to hold her up.
"What the Hell is wrong with you?"
Kelly's pretty sure that's Rachael yelling at Gabby. She crawls back to the kitchen cabinet and watches Gabby whirl on Rachael while pointing back at her. "Of course you're defending her. She fuckin' tried to kiss my girlfriend. But then you're more than fuckin' familiar with that shit aren't you?"
So far despite how unhinged she has looked, Gabby has shown a resemblance of self control, but that looks like it is going up in smoke. Her fist cocks back and Kelly's eyes immediately search for Maura who she finds trying to push her way past Rachael to calm the situation down. An image of Gabby throwing that fist and connecting with that beautiful face flashes into Kelly's mind at the same time as another sharp pain flares through her chest. "Don't," she tries to call out, but it's nothing more than a pathetic whimper.
All she can do is watch in horror while her heart races so fast it feels like it's going to beat right out of her chest. This is when Rachael, of all people, extends her hand and shoves Maura backwards while stepping through to take the brunt of Gabby's wild fist with her chin. She staggers down onto one knee and looks up at Gabby, blood dripping from her lip. Gabby towers over her and rears her fist back for round two.
Kelly marvels at Rachael's awareness of the space around her and tries to get to her feet. Because for this moment in time Rachael isn't just the woman who hurt Melissa. She's the woman who put herself between Maura and a wild animal. She can barely see now as darkness encroaches, but she clutches at the cupboard and drags herself to her feet ready to launch herself, or more realistically, stumble her way into the fray.
That's when Maura sucks all of the oxygen from the room. "It wasn't just her."
Her head spins as she watches Gabby's arm fall back by her side and her head swivel towards Maura. Kelly can't quite make out what she's saying because her voice is so hushed, but she can see Maura crying and Lord, she just wants to reach out and fix this mess. It sounds like Maura is apologising profusely and trying to explain herself. Not that Kelly can be sure, because it feels like there's an elephant sitting on her chest and the sound of the blood rushing through her ears is drowning everything out.
The room starts to spin rapidly as she barely manages to gasp in a shallow breath. The last thing Kelly sees before her legs give out and her face slams against the floor is Rachael's widening eyes as she shoves past Gabby in an attempt to reach her.
A/N: Okay you know I have got to know what you're thinking after this one. There is so much to unpack. How do you think this plays out?