Castiel lied when he first told Dean angels didn't eat.
Angels did eat, but most angels didn't have to eat, because Heaven helped them not need to. Human souls… their presence in Heaven was what fed angels, though not in a concept humans would understand. The souls weren't damaged by any means. Angels kept Heaven running, but humans kept angels charged with their sole presence. Like an unbreakable cycle where energy was always flowing between all parties.
It's one of the reasons live humans couldn't step in Heaven, the amount of angels there would kill the human immediately without even touching them, draining their energy beyond anything any living human could survive.
But he has been cut off from Heaven for a long, long time, and there's so much he could do before the hunger got to him. His grace refusing to replenish itself and instead starting to fade was clear proof of how bad it had gotten. His wings refusing to heal, just getting worse and worse.
But he hadn't wanted to feed, feeding on a living human never failed to leave him exhausted, focusing on not killing them by accident took an incredible tool on him, like when he did it with Bobby Singer's soul.
He had almost done it when the Darkness was freed. But between him and an archangel the answer had been obvious. Had been a terrible mistake of course.
But then Sam and Dean were taken, and he had absolutely no idea where to even begin looking.
So he did what he had promised himself he wouldn't do.
He fed.
He found a church and knocked them all out, feeding on their souls' energies. And feeling his grace blaze as it hadn't done in years had almost knocked the air out of him. The more he fed, the more he could feel every fissure seal shut, how his strength grew, grace prompting the sprouting of new feathers, pushing through the old, charred ones. It hurt, but he didn't let it faze him. He had to find Sam and Dean. He promised Mary he would find them, and he would find them.
And for that, he needed his wings. He hadn't fallen like his siblings, Metatron had kicked him out, had torn his grace apart. Replenishing his grace would be enough to heal his broken wings, unlike his siblings'. A sound caught his attention, making him halt his draining of a nun, turning to stare at one of the pillars, but there was no one, he couldn't perceive anything.
He went back to the nun, bending back down to drain her soul, mindful to not take too much, he couldn't kill her. He had to be careful. He wanted to save Sam and Dean, but killing an innocent human would certainly make the brothers angry.
As he drained the last nun, he took in a deep breath, feeling stronger than he's done since his days in Heaven. Replenished in a way he had long forgotten, all pain and aches long gone. Wings whole once again.
And while he also felt like dropping unconscious, having never consumed this amount of soul energy at the same time, he could not allow it, he had to save Sam and Dean. He needed to find them.
~
Dean had thought about it several times, and at the end, just one solution came to mind, because anything would be better than here. He thought he could handle it, he's been tortured in Hell, he's been through worse. But having to eat the same thing every single day, having no windows, having nothing to do or no one to speak with. It was slowly driving him up the walls.
And right when he made the choice, the least expected person turned up, a sound he hasn't heard in years echoing across the room. Fluttering wings.
"Cas..?" The angel stares at him, and something about him seems different. He looks… pale, dark bags under his eyes prominent, eyes dropping , that exhaustion that never seems to quite leave his eyes has been replaced by something much draining, heavier. "How-?"
"There's no time." Castiel cuts off, marching over to Dean and grabbing his arm, and Dean's stomach flips in a way it hasn't done in a long time. Next time he blinks, he's standing infront of a startled Sam and Mom in the middle of the bunker. What-?
"Oh, God." Mom exclaimed, quickly pulling them both into her arms. And for a moment, Sam and Dean melted into her embrace, because they were free, somehow, finally.
Castiel watched the Winchesters with a fond smile, they were safe, finally. And he felt like for the first time in a while, he had finally done something right. He sat down as the walls suddenly spun violently, hands shaking, he couldn't risk dropping and ruining their reunion. But the adrenaline was gone and the weight of how actually drained he felt was starting to kick in with a vengeance he couldn't truly grasp.
After a bit, the hug ends and the brothers' gazes fall on him, suspicious. But Castiel doesn't have the strength to hold their gaze for longer, head dropping on his crossed arms over the table in what he hopes comes off as dismissive, though he knows the action alone might come off as something uncharacteristic of him.
But Father, he's so tired. He's quite sure he wouldn't be able to stand even if he tried to. Now he understood what Gabriel had meant all those eons ago about not going overboard with living humans' souls.
"Cas… how did you get us out?" Dean's voice feels like a distant echo. He wants to answer, wants to assure him there's nothing to be worried about, but staying awake becomes harder and harder…
Last he feels is a hand shaking his shoulder before it all goes black.
~
"I think… I think he's sleeping. " Sam said, relief washing over him as he realizes Cas is still breathing, but that relief lasts nothing as concern hits. Because Cas is sleeping, he doesn't sleep.
"I thought he didn't sleep." Mary says, confused yet worried, because Sam and Dean look worried, meaning something was clearly off here. And she feels guilt gnaw at her at the sudden wonder about whether Castiel had done something drastic because she put the blame on him.
And if he did do something drastic… god, she hadn't meant for him to do something reckless. She had thought that he had been fine after she apologized, but she guessed apologizing hadn't been enough, and shit, she shouldn't have taken it out on him. Now something might be wrong with him and it might be on her. And if that was the case she didn't know how she would look at Sam and Dean in the eye.
"He doesn't." Dean states, walking over to the angel, he stares at him, anger curling at the pit of his stomach. What the hell had he done? Was it a deal? With whom?
He looks like shit. Yet, as he reaches towards him, the door of the bunker groans, making the three hunters look up, Sam and Dean fishing for their guns in alarm. Because no one should know where this place is let alone have a key.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Dean demands to know as Ketch and Mick climb down the stairs. He points his gun at them, last time a British jerk of these showed up at the bunker Sam had been kidnapped and tortured.
"We don't want to fight." Mick is quick to assure as he lifts his hands up in surrender. Ketch doesn't do the same, his gaze fixating on Cas instead, prompting Sam to stand infront of him to block his view from the angel.
"Then what do you want?" Sam demands, refusing to believe anything that comes out of their mouth.
"The halo." Ketch's words make both Sam and Dean glower.
"His name is Castiel." Dean snaps, anger dripping from his tone. "What do you want with him?"
"As you know, we keep an eye out for… possible assets, your angel is one of said assets."
Dean bristled at the word ' asset'. Cas was no one's asset. But he wouldn't shoot anyone just yet.
"Wait, are you saying you had someone following him?" Sam asks, suddenly realizing the meaning behind those words. What the hell were these guys' deal? And why would they be following Cas? He wasn't a hunter, though he guesses that as a non-human being, the Brits would be inclined to keep track of him, which wasn't something Sam felt comfortable with either.
"And it's a good thing we did. We are still unsure what he did, but there's 15 people in the hospital as of now because he did something to them. There are no injuries and nothing is missing, some have woken up just fine. But we are still not sure what he did to them. Our informant said he was draining some sort of light from them, but we don't know what." Ketch's words made both brothers narrow their eyes, what was he talking about?
"You have got the wrong guy. Cas wouldn't hurt anyone unprovoked." Dean exclaimed, leaving no room for doubt, Cas wouldn't hurt anyone unless attacked first, and he certainly wouldn't do whatever was it that Ketch said he did. Draining some sort of light thing he said? He's never seen or heard of any angel doing something like Ketch said.
"It's him." Mick states, pulling his phone out and holding it up for them to see, it was a short video, several people were scattered across the floor of what looked like a church, nuns, priests, people… all unconscious.
And in the midst of it all, a figure knelt on the ground, holding a nun by the arms, light flowing out of her mouth and straight into the silhouette's mouth in a way neither of the brothers could say to have seen before from any creature hunted in the past.
The footage shook and a clattering noise echoed from behind the camera, making the silhouette snap its attention up, eyes glowing an eerie, painstakingly familiar blueish, and even though it was dark, it was still illuminated enough in the church for the silhouette to be recognized.
Yet, Dean didn't waver, even if all he ever thought he knew was threatening to shatter. Because what the hell had Cas been doing to those people? But Ketch said no one was dead or even harmed. It was all Dean needed to stand his ground.
"So what? You said so yourself, no one was hurt and there's nothing wrong with them, if it's answers what you want, I will get them, not you. I have seen enough of how you people handle questioning and you sure as fuck aren't getting anywhere near him." Dean snaps, breaking through the silence, whatever Cas had done, Dean would get answers, he wouldn't let the Brits get anywhere near him, not after what they did to Sam.
And Sam was human. He didn't want to know what they would do to Cas. Even less when Cas was basically unconscious right now.
"You are in no position to make demands. If the halo is dangerous, he must be eliminated."
Sam fired his gun as Ketch took a step forward, a gunshot echoing throughout the bunker as a bullet lodged right behind the wall next to the brit's head.
"As I see it, you are the one who is in no position to make demands. Whatever he did, we will handle it, not you. To you he might be just an asset, you might have investigated him, but you know jack shit about him, we will get answers. Not you. So, fuck off, or next time, I won't miss." Sam threatens dangerously, cocking his gun yet again as he takes a step forward.
He has no idea what Cas did to those people, but he didn't hurt anyone, and Sam wasn't about to let these assholes take him away and potentially kill him for nothing.
Ketch glowered at them, yet, before he could speak, Mick did.
"Alright, there's no need to kill anyone, you are right. We will be taking our leave." Ketch glared at him, yet, Mick ignored him, quickly making his way up the stairs, Ketch glared even more at him, but soon enough he followed after him, not before throwing them a glare.
No one moved until the two brits had disappeared, door closing behind them. Just then, and only then, did Sam and Dean put their guns away.
Both turning to look at the still very much unconscious angel.
What had he done?
~
Castiel woke up to an odd feeling. Nothing.
For the first time in a long time, he didn't feel sore, tired or even aching. The itch and strain from his wings was completely gone. His grace no longer felt uncomfortable beneath his skin. For the first time in a long time he truly felt comfortable in his vessel.
He blinked a few times before straightening up, stretching his wings behind him and rolling his shoulders, and it felt so incredibly good to stretch his wings without pain slashing back.
"Welcome back sleeping beauty, was beginning to think you wouldn't actually wake up." Dean's sudden voice startled him, making him turn to look at the oldest brother, who was sitting on the table next to where he was. His tone was neutral, but something about his gaze…
"How long was I out?" Castiel asks, curious, he's never drained so much energy before, and last he heard of anyone doing that it had been from Gabriel, which apparently had been knocked out for almost a week.
"A week." Sam's voice made him turn to look behind him where the youngest Winchester was at, sitting on one of the couches with a book at hand.
He frowned, well, that was… interesting… and unpleasant. He did not particularly enjoy the idea of having spent so much time unconscious and by extension vulnerable.
He watches Sam stand up and circle the table, going over to sit next to Dean. And why are they giving him such strange looks?
"Cas, how did you get us out of there?"
He shifted uncomfortably, not the first question he had been expecting, but still uncomfortable nonetheless.
"I did what I had to do." He didn't quite understand why they were suddenly giving him wary looks.
"Let me rephrase that. What did you do to those people at the church?"
Castiel stiffened. What? How did they-? They shouldn't know about that. How did they find out about that? It makes no sense.
"Are they related to how you got us out? They said there was nothing wrong with them, is that true? Or is there something we should know?"
Castiel didn't answer, he never even considered how someone would explain this in terms that wouldn't be misunderstood. But Sam and Dean were staring at him, waiting. What would they think of him if they knew? Would they be mad that he hadn't done so sooner? Mad that he did it at all? Disgusted? Disappointed?
He dropped his gaze, swallowing hard past the lump in his throat.
"Those people are fine, there should be nothing wrong with them, I was careful to not hurt them, it's why I knocked them out first, that way they wouldn't fight me." He winced at how wrong that last remark sounded.
"What did you exactly do to them?" Sam questions, he didn't sound accusing, just… intrigued. Castiel takes a deep breath, he needs to choose his words carefully.
"I touched Bobby Singer's soul once to aid me into recharging myself and bringing you back from the past. As I told him then, a human soul has the energy of a nuclear bomb, it's… strong. By taking some of its energy, I was able to recharge my grace then…"
"But you didn't touch their soul." Dean's words made Castiel's head snap to attention, eyes meeting the hunter's, how did he…?
"Ketch and Mick showed up. They had a video."
Castiel frowned at Sam's words, the sound at the church… but he hadn't seen anything, had the person been warded?
"I didn't. Touching their soul would have been excruciating for them, even while unconscious. And it wouldn't have given me the amount I was looking for. So I used other methods."
"But why? I mean, your grace is fine, right? I thought that was solved." Dean said, suddenly wondering if Cas had been lying all along and something had been wrong with his grace.
"It's fine but… when our grace is drained or weakened, it can replenish itself if given time, as long as there is some left. It will heal back…" Castiel tightened his jaw, looking away as pain and shame gnawed at his stomach. He didn't want to say this out loud. "But mine didn't. It's just been getting worse and worse…"
And it would have snuffed out completely eventually if he had carried on doing nothing as he had been doing all these years.
"In Heaven, souls charge angels by just being there, the souls aren't affected or anything, and the angels keep Heaven running, it's like a sort of endless cycle where both parties need each other to survive. In a way. An endless flow of energy if you will." He had no idea how to explain this right.
But he had to, the last thing he wanted was for them to think angels were feeding off of souls. Which wasn't the case. Souls weren't damaged in any way. They were nothing like the Grigori.
"I have been in Heaven several times since I got my grace back, but it hasn't been long enough for it to do anything. And when Lucifer was with me… he took everything, I was fine with it. I didn't particularly mind it, I had enough grace to survive. But when you were taken… I couldn't just do nothing."
He couldn't sit back and do nothing when he knew just how to find them much quicker.
"I didn't fall with the others, Metatron sent me back to Earth after stealing my grace, so I just needed to replenish my grace enough for it to let me heal my wings. It's the only way I could think to find you. You are still warded, so it took me longer to find you and…"
The next words he speaks sting.
"Since I can't go to Heaven, I just drained a few humans, doing so while making sure to not accidentally kill them is exhausting, it's why angels don't generally do that, not that they need to, if their grace is running low and they don't want to wait they can always go back to Heaven…" Unlike him.
Meanwhile, Sam and Dean stare at Cas.
And stare.
What he just said… he was basically saying angels were some sort of battery and human souls a sort of charger. And that he's been away from Heaven long enough for his grace to have never really grown back, because apparently it could go back to its once 100% if he had been allowed to step into Heaven long enough to recharge.
And that… that was a thought neither ever even considered. Both had thought that it couldn't be fixed, that what Metatron did to him couldn't be fixed. But it turns out all this time it could have been fixed?
In that video, it had seemed as if he had been feeding from their soul. Energy? Soul energy? Something much more intense than what he had done to Bobby all those years ago? But he also said it left him exhausted, which was the understatement of the century, the guy was out for a whole week. Though looking at him now…
He looked healthier than he's looked in a long, long time. All that exhaustion that never seemed to quite leave him was also completely gone from his eyes.
"Cas… correct me if I'm wrong, but what you said… you are saying that in a way, angels feed from the souls in Heaven by just their presence without actually hurting them. But because you can't go there… you have been starving?" Sam wasn't 100% sure he was getting this right, but to him, that's how it sounded. Which would be horrifying if he was right, because then that would mean Cas has been starving for years.
"... It's not the same hunger as a human experiment, it's… it doesn't affect me much, it just makes my grace weaken the more I use it, it doesn't necessarily replenish itself back as it should. But as I told you, I didn't mind." Sure, he had wanted to get it all back, but he hadn't wanted to deal with the aftermath and leave himself vulnerable to who knows who, and he had also not wanted to do that to any human.
"So what? You were planning on just losing your grace and not telling us anything?"
Castiel didn't answer, looking away.
"Dude, what the hell?" Dean snapped, why the hell was everyone around him so obsessed with hiding shit like this from him? "If energy is what you needed all along to heal yourself you could have asked us for it."
"I did not wish to ask that of you." Castiel states, annoyed, he would never do that to them. They were his friends, his family. Feeding off of them for his own selfish needs wasn't something he felt comfortable doing.
"Why not? You said so yourself, it won't hurt us. You did it to Bobby once." Sam said, yet, all he got was silence. Something about his gaze… "Cas… you are our friend. Friends help each other, you have helped us many times, and… I understand that we haven't been there for you in the past, and maybe that's why you thought you couldn't come to us…"
And it's not until Sam says that that the brothers realize how true that is, and that maybe it would be understandable for Cas to not ask for their help. Why do so when they have always ignored him when he needed help? And that… it makes guilt gnaw at them. Because all along they could have helped him. The fact alone that neither of them had known about this until now…
It makes them realize how little they truly know about angels, they know how to hurt or kill them, but they have zero idea on how to help them. Stupid and careless when one of their friends was one.
Meanwhile, Castiel frowned at Sam's words, he might have a point there, but that wasn't the reason he didn't tell them.
"You are wrong. I didn't tell you because I didn't want to do that to you. You are my friends, I do not wish to feed off of you."
"And we get it, but Cas… what do you think would happen if a hunter caught you? Ever since the fall angels haven't exactly been subtle, many know how to handle angels. And the British Men of Letters…" Dean didn't even want to think what those dicks would do to Cas.
"It's fine, I don't plan on doing it again. I won't need it for a long time." That was a lie, but none of them needed to know that, as he said, he didn't want to touch their souls for his own selfish needs, nor anyone else's for that matter.
Sam and Dean don't seem to quite believe him though.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes." They still don't seem to believe him. "I assure you I will be perfectly fine, you don't need to concern yourselves with that. As I told you, it's only when our grace is running incredibly low that we must recharge using other methods aside from resting." Not the whole truth. Not a lie.
But that seems to at least get the Winchesters to look less tense. Good.
"Fine, but if something does happen… just tell us if something is wrong, alright?"
Castiel stares at Dean for a moment, aware that the hunter won't take a no for an answer.
"Fine." He assures at last. Just to appease them, and it works, because the brothers seem to finally relax.
Good.