"All but one." Sam said, scoffing almost in disbelief with a hint of dry amusement. Castiel looks at him curiously. "That's why it's never been used before. It requires the power of an archangel." Sam flips the book shut, rubbing his face. Castiel stares at the book, oh.

So that time has finally come, a time where he could no longer hide a truth that's been breathing down his neck for quite a while now. Sam groans next to him, he seems stressed, and anxious. Castiel leans back against the chair, he had thought he would be able to keep this from them, that it wouldn't come up, that it didn't matter.

At first, he hadn't known about… it . Not until Naomi's control broke, his memories had been returning little by little since then, initially they were just random things, irrelevant to mention to anyone. He just didn't tell them because technically, he no longer belongs in that rank, I mean, he has the vessel, his true form and physically, in a way, the strength of one.

But while he got his grace back from where Heaven had kept it hidden all this time, he has just kept it hidden somewhere in the bunker, he can't take it back. Not when his vessel is as ruined as it's, his very core stained beyond repair.

It wouldn't be able to contain that power, not when he still had lingering bits of the grace he had stolen, a grace that had, as expected, turned on him, was eating at his own grace even now, chipping the edges and making him just know that while he got his grace back, he would one day lose it too. The proof was in how his powers have been depleting, how hard it got to heal people.

Of course he hasn't told the Winchesters that either, it wasn't like any of the humans he knew right now would be alive by the time it actually becomes a problem.

But this…

"Well, Sam. We might as well try." He suggests, trying to sound casual. Sam scoffs yet again.

"We don't have time for long shots, Cas. Even at full power you are not strong enough." Sam states as he stands up, walking off and leaving Castiel completely alone. He stares at the book, he tries to not take Sam's comment to heart, he does have a point.

Kind of.

He might not have the power to do so, but the spell might just need the presence of an archangel, not its actual power. It was worth a shot, right? And with that thought, he grabs the book.

Even if it didn't work, he would have at least tried. He would never forgive himself if he didn't. He had put Dean in this mess, he shouldn't have taken him there, should have known that the Men of Letters would have put wards to ward off all kinds of beings, especially when transporting such a valuable weapon .

But he had been so desperate to do something, to be of use somehow. He had been willing to risk burning his grace doing that trip at all, he had lied, time travel did require wings, his wings were, for lack of better words, fucked up beyond belief. He had strained his grace beyond anything he's ever done before, had burnt the edges and willed the ethereal plane to open to him even when his wings were nothing but bones and a handful of charred feathers.

But he's always had a different connection to this sort of thing, time. He's always been much better than his siblings at bending time and traveling through it. It came as second nature to do so.

Now he suspected he knew why that was.

But he messed up, again, and now… he would do whatever he had to to bring Dean back.

Even expose a truth he has been running from for months now.

~

"Cas, what is that?" Sam asks as he steps into the library, just to find the angel chopping some things and seemingly working on the preparations of a spell. Castiel doesn't meet his eye.

"It's your spell of gathering."

"Are you nuts? You are not strong enough Cas, you could get hurt." Sam says, what the hell was he thinking? Sure, Sam wanted to get Dean back, but not like this, he was pretty sure Cas wasn't even completely healed from both his altercation with Amara and then Lucifer almost killing him. He wasn't even sure how he managed to get Dean back to the past.

I mean, Cas said it worked differently, and while he might not know much about angels, which he now realizes was a bit stupid when one of their friends was one. He doesn't think Cas might have been telling the whole truth, there had been something about his expression… even now something didn't quite feel right.

"You find a better option?" Castiel asks, still not meeting Sam's gaze. Yet, his question makes Sam falter.

"Well… no, but without a serious boost to your angel power that spell won't even work." He doesn't want to be a dick, but he has a feeling that if Cas tries this and fails he might not return again. He wasn't even completely dry from his last trip, and while it had been hilarious to see him come back soaking and dripping water all over the place he wasn't gonna risk a second time.

"My strength may surprise you." Castiel conceded as he continued to chop ingredients, dropping them on the bowl. He was weak but even weak archangels can make great feats. He's seen Gabriel do it before, Michael, even Lucifer as he threw him around in that cage.

The reminder made his stomach twist, there had been something about his gaze when he threw him on the ground, he had stopped short from grabbing his arm and potentially stealing his angel blade, his eyes had been weird, like some sort of sudden recognition, there had been surprise with a hint of fear.

" You-" He had said.

And then the spell had sucked him back into the cage.

It made Castiel wonder if he knew who he was, he still had tons of holes in his memories, things that didn't quite give him the whole picture. Like his name, turns out, Castiel wasn't even his name, but he had no idea what his true name was. Why did Heaven did this to him at all.

What he does know is that he will do this, and to make sure it works he had the necklace with the vial with his grace on. He would make sure the spell read the archangel grace just in case. He would fix this.

Meanwhile, Sam frowns as he stares at Cas, his comment was odd, sure, Sam knew Cas was strong, and he really didn't want to sound like a dick, but that had been before, now… he was still strong, but there was no way in hell he would be able to pull off this spell.

And Sam did not want to see what that sort of spell failing might do, what if it ended up killing Cas? Then he would have lost both Dean and Cas. How the hell was he supposed to do anything if that happened? He couldn't defeat Amara alone.

"Wait a second." Sam exclaims suddenly as a memory comes back to him, walking over to the table and grabbing the book of spells before returning to Castiel's side, holding the book up. "I remember Bobby told me once that when you needed strength to retrieve us from the past, you used him to power up. You touched his soul. Right?"

Sam asks, he had seen how Bobby was left afterwards, but he was willing to endure anything if it meant bringing Dean back.

"That's right. I did that." Castiel says, wincing at the reminder, he doesn't like thinking about that, angels shouldn't use human souls like that. It was wrong. Souls weren't meant to be used like that, angels were meant to protect them, not use them. That's what demons did, or worse, The Grigori . " But the procedure can be fatal." He gives Sam the same warning he had given Bobby.

"Use my soul." Sam suddenly says, startling Castiel. "That way, maybe you will have enough power to wield the spell."

"That isn't necessary."

"It's worth the risk. Cas, Dean needs our help. I trust you." Castiel finally turns to look at him, Sam's words making guilt twist inside. His eyes were so full of trust, so willing.

He couldn't do this, Sam had been right before, he seriously sucked at lying.

Thus, he sighs in defeat, dropping the knife and halting the preparation of the spell as his hands rest on the table, gaze dropping back to the bowl. He really hopes they don't get too mad, he didn't lie on purpose, he just didn't think it important, it was irrelevant information. They would also ask questions he had no answers for.

"Cas?" Sam's voice pulls him back to the present, he swallows hard, taking a deep breath and choosing his words carefully.

"Sam, I can do the spell without a boost. Alright? I don't need to touch your soul, I… I will explain things later, I promise, but right now we must get Dean back. Just… Just trust me." He finally looks at the younger Winchester, giving him a pleading look, he can do this.

The look he gets in return is one of confusion with a hint of wariness. Yet, Sam nods.

Good.

And Castiel was right, the spell didn't need his power per se, just his presence and just a hint of what he was, even so, burning his grace to go back once again hurt, much more than the first trip.

Yet, he snatched Dean just in time, bringing him back to the present, safe. And his insides screamed, making him drop to his knees with a choked gasp, coughing up blood as fire burnt through the edges of his grace, right where it met with the hints of the ones he had ingested, where raw points made him squeeze his eyes shut and bite his tongue. And such a deafening ringing through his brain, something much greater than anything he has ever heard.

Someone was talking and there were hands on his shoulders, but he couldn't focus. He couldn't focus at all.

It felt like forever before the ringing died down and his insides stopped screaming, the raw points in his grace snuffing out, leaving him sore and uncomfortable.

"Cas? You good?" Dean was kneeling next to him, hand resting on his shoulder, concern with a hint of guilt edged on his face.

Castiel doesn't answer as he sits back, wiping the blood off his mouth and rolling his shoulder, his wings felt stiff and much more uncomfortable than usual. He then turns to look at Dean.

"I'm fine. Did you get it?" He asks, looking around, but he can't feel any relevant power but the wards from the bunker.

"Yeah, I did." Dean didn't sound particularly happy about it, and Castiel understood why as the oldest Winchester stood up and walked over to the table, holding the piece up, powerless, nothing but a slab of wood. No power. Nothing. "Turns out it can only be used one time."

Oh. He stood up, walking over and taking the slab of wood, there was absolutely nothing in it.

"So we are back to where we started." Castiel states, as he stares at the piece of wood he can't help but wonder what was God waiting to show up. Sure, he shouldn't expect much from Him, not after the Apocalypse. But this was His sister. He was the one she wanted to see, the one she was looking for.

"Yeah… are you sure you are alright?" Dean asks.

"I am sure." Is all he says, placing the piece back on the table and pulling a chair out to sit down, he feels too sore to want to keep standing.

"Are you going to explain what that was now?" Sam's sudden question makes both Dean and Castiel look at him.

"What are you talking about?" Dean asks, frowning at his brother in confusion.

"The spell needed to break through those wards needed an archangel, I told Cas to use my soul to boost himself up as he did with Bobby, which he refused to do because apparently, he could pull it off just fine."

Castiel tensed as both brothers now stared at him, both demanding for an explanation.

"Please tell me you didn't do something stupid behind our backs again." Dean says suddenly, making Castiel shift uncomfortably and look away.

"I didn't do anything, it's… more of something that's always been there, I didn't know until a few months ago, I just didn't tell you because it wasn't really relevant, it won't make any difference knowing than not knowing."

He can feel their stares, making him look down at his hands, anxiety gnawing at the pit of his stomach.

"When Naomi captured me when I had the angel tablet, she told me that she had erased my memories many times, enough to have forgotten how many exactly. By that point, I had been getting glimpses of things I didn't really remember doing, they began after I first touched the angel tablet and her control was cut off. But it wasn't until a few months ago that some… things began turning up, glimpses of things I couldn't understand…"

Not until the last piece fell into place.

A last piece that was given to him while he had been under the influence of Rowena's attack spell.

"You were always a pathetic excuse of an archangel." It had been nothing but a glimpse of Raphael staring straight at him, as he called him that.

It had been the last piece needed to those weird glimpses of things no one but the archangels were allowed to see or be at to make sense. For the grace to finally make sense. When he first found it, he hadn't even known what he was looking for, but there had been the overwhelming sense that he had to find something. The feeling had pulled him to Oregon, had led him to Crater Lake where he had ended up taking a dive into.

Something about the water itself had felt… familiar, like home.

And so he had dove to the bottom of it, where no human would ever be able to survive. And right there at the bottom there had been an old chest with the vial of grace. And he had taken it. All he had known was that it was archangel grace and that he had to take it with him. It had given him that exact same feeling the angel tablet had when he first touched it. Take it. Run. Keep it. Don't let anyone else touch it. Take it. Take it. Run.

"Rowena's spell allowed me to get a glimpse of something that made all those pieces… fall together if you will."

"Such as?" Dean asked when the silence stretched, he didn't know how to feel about the fact that Cas hadn't mentioned that little detail about the erased memories, but he did know one thing.

He wasn't wrong to think Naomi was, indeed, a fucking bitch who got what she deserved. How fucked up could she be to not just mind control Cas to kill his friends and his own brother but to also wipe his memories off whenever she had felt like it just because he didn't agree to be Heaven's puppet?

Castiel didn't answer, all he did was reach up to pull something out from under his shirt, was that a necklace? That he took off and put on the table, a necklace with a vial filled with a very familiar swirling glowing energy in it.

Grace.

Sam reached out to grab it and it took Castiel's whole willpower to not slam his hand down on it and snap at him.

"This is not Metatron's." Sam stated as a matter of fact as he inspected the vial, Metatron's grace was in a whole different vial, in his room, right at the bottom drawer of his desk.

This vial had odd engravings carved straight into the glass, Enochian engravings to be more precise, and the vial was attached to an odd silver chain with even more engravings, some were Enochian and some others were quite reminiscent of the writing of the tablets. The grace in the vial seemed much more abundant than Metatron's.

Sam wasn't an expert in Enochian nor could he read God's word, but he did recognize an Enochian word. Archangel.

"Cas, this is archangel grace. Who's is it?" Sam questions, unable to hide the bewilderment from his voice, how did Cas even get his hands on this? Raphael and Gabriel were dead, and Michael and Lucifer were in the cage. So who's grace was this?

"... Mine."

Silence.

And then.

"Come again?"

"It's mine." Castiel states in defeat. "I don't know how, when I first found it I didn't even know what I was looking for, all I knew is that I had to find something, when I finally found it, it felt like when I first touched the angel tablet, there was a… pull of sorts, I'm not sure, all I knew is that I had to take it and keep it. I didn't know why or who's grace that even was, it didn't belong to Gabriel, Lucifer, Michael or Raphael."

And it had been so confusing to have archangel grace that didn't belong to any of the archangels .

"But when Rowena put that spell on me… I saw Raphael calling me an archangel. And there were also these glimpses of things I shouldn't know or places I shouldn't have been at… it's mine, but I can't take it back, this vessel… it can't take it back. So you can understand why I didn't say anything, it didn't matter because I'm just regular me, it doesn't change anything."

Silence reigns after that, Sam and Dean staring at Cas as if seeing him for the first time.

What he just said… what the hell? But again, thinking back to it… Cas has always been… odd. The repetitive resurrections, why of all possible angels Metatron chose him specifically when he could have literally gone for anyone else, why the angels were so downright obsessed with getting him back even before he pulled the shit with the Leviathans and the Fall, they hadn't hunted Gabriel or even Metatron.

But somehow, Cas was the one who got all the attention. Had all those bastards known all this time? Had been controlling him to their heart's content and making him nothing but a puppet? Apparently stole his grace and put him at the bottom of the food chain? What the hell for? Weren't archangels supposed to be like the bosses or something?

But again, Gabriel did flip them all off and left, speaking of, had he known and chose to keep quiet? Fuck.

Wait.

"Wait, does this mean you have seen God? Anna said so before, that only four people had seen God, the archangels, but she didn't mention Metatron, and he saw Him. So maybe-"

"If I did, I don't remember. I don't even remember-" Castiel cut himself off, clenching his jaw as he almost slipped. Yet, it was too late, the brothers had caught on to that.

"Don't remember what?"

Castiel didn't answer, fiddling with the hem of his sleeve in a very uncharacteristic manner.

"Cas?"

"... My name…"

"Your name?"

"When I first met Lucifer, he asked me my name. When I told him, he looked like he didn't recognize it even though we all know every angels' name. Even if we hadn't met before, he should have known my name. At the cage… it looked like he recognized me, he looked surprised but… he was also afraid and… I also remember Naomi telling me my name was Castiel, as if somehow I didn't know that."

"He was afraid of you?" Dean asked, unable to believe what he was hearing. Lucifer didn't fear shit, he had left quite clear he was on a whole different level of power, what the hell did he have to be afraid for? Towards Cas? But if what Cas said was true…

Then who the hell was he? Why had Heaven taken his power and memories away?

"You said you weren't sure what you were looking for when you went looking for… your grace, how did you find it? And this… pull you speak of, are you sure it was the same you felt with the angel tablet? What else was weird?" Sam questions, handing the vial back to Cas, even if he was refusing to meet their eyes, Sam could see his eyes were glued to the vial, he seemed tense, as if expecting Sam to just bolt with it.

He tried to not take it personally.

He also wondered, if that was Cas' grace… had his grace been split? Leaving him with just a bit? He hadn't even known that was possible, though Metatron did do just that. And if that was true… Cas had been powerful when they first met, had terrified demons beyond belief, even now when he was weak, with just a wisp of his grace, he was still powerful. Then how powerful had he originally been?

Sam couldn't find a reason for why Heaven would inhabilitate an archangel, even less one who was apparently capable of scaring Lucifer. And God, Cas had (was?) been an archangel all along. He had no idea how to feel about that.

"I don't know, it's as I told you, there was this… pull, like something drawing me to it, I just followed it until I found it. Yes, it was the same as with the angel tablet. I just… it was telling me I had to take it and run, I had to protect it from everyone. It felt like a scream coming from everywhere, to just take it and run. "

That… it made the brothers share a look, a pull of some kind telling him where to find his grace, telling him to take the angel tablet which ended up with Metatron making the angels fall using Castiel for the spell… a scream coming from everywhere telling him to take it and run. The resurrections…

"Cas, have you felt this pull before?" Sam asks carefully, because the sudden heavy suspicion of what had caused that pull and those resurrections… it was making his hairs stand on end, questioning for the first time in his life if they have never truly known who they had by their side.

But Cas wasn't lying. He didn't seem to notice at all the signs that had been there all along.

The angel (archangel?) finally looks up at them.

"Sometimes, but I never paid attention to it, it wasn't particularly strong, and it always disappeared after a few minutes. Sometimes it was drawing me in, and sometimes it was trying to push me away… "

"Push you away?"

"Carthage, when I went to see the building where Lucifer trapped me at, there had been a pull, as if trying to make me walk away. I also felt it when I gave you the blade to carve the banishing sigil on me, and when I met Metatron, or when Crowley first approached me to offer a deal…"

It had also happened when he first died, it had been stronger than ever, telling him to run. Run before Raphael killed him. But he didn't. Or when it drew him to Chuck just in time to stop Dean from hurting him further. When it made his insides hurt right before he killed Balthazar, as if telling him to step away. Now that he thinks of it…

"Have you always felt this?"

"No, it first happened when I was sent to Hell, it's… it's actually how I found you." Castiel confessed while looking at Dean, making the brothers raise their eyebrows.

"When was the last time you felt anything from that pull?" Dean questions after a moment of silence.

"... I felt the pull again when Amara was freed, but Rowena's spell had made it feel wrong, I couldn't focus on where it was coming from and it just made my head hurt. I haven't felt anything else since then."

Castiel was still not quite sure what those pulls had meant, or the shoves. Who was doing that? What for?

"Cas… from what you say… do you think God might have something to do with it?" Sam dares to suggest, because it didn't matter how he looked at it, it was all he could come up with, that maybe God has always been giving them cues and none of them had noticed it.

He had saved them from Lucifer when he was freed. And He has brought back Cas several times, had apparently been trying to stir him towards some places where he was needed and trying to push him away from others. From what Cas said, basically from places or people that might present a danger to Cas.

He had been, with a weird method that was, protecting Cas.

"That… wouldn't make any sense, why would He do any of that instead of showing up Himself?"

That was a good point.

"You said the last time you felt it was after Amara was freed, but that Rowena's spell didn't let you focus… were the seizures because of that?"

"... Yes…"

"And you haven't felt anything since then?"

"No."

No one said anything after that, taking Cas' words into consideration alongside several other things… had He been trying to call Cas when Amara was freed? And if so, why not try again? Had Rowena's spell done something to him?

"I did feel something weird when Amara put that brand on me and sent me to Hell."

"Weird how?"

Castiel didn't answer, for a moment, he seemed hesitant, and then he stood up, pulling his tie off.

"Uh… Cas?"

"I felt Amara's power when she branded her message on me. That's all she did." He states, taking his suit jacket off and starting to unbutton his shirt, Amara's message was still there, completely healed yet scarred over.

"Since when do you get scars?" Dean asks bluntly, not even the banishing sigil had left a scar. So how was that still there?

"She branded it on my true form, it takes longer for those scars to leave the vessel." Castiel says as a statement of fact. "When Amara sent me off something else tried to grab me, but her power was much stronger than whatever tried to grab me. It failed, but it left this." He finally took the shirt off, pointing at the odd mark on his bicep.

It looked like something with a boiling hand and claws had tried to grab him but just succeeded at burning and tearing skin. Making it heal in a not so quite right way. It was still healing, or not healing at all…

Sam stood up, going over to him and inspecting the mark, it had some similarities with the handprint Castiel had left on Dean's shoulder when he first brought him back from Hell. But this one looked less human, less healed. But it wasn't bleeding, didn't even look like a burn, it looked more like some sort of tattoo trying to mimic a burnt handprint with torn skin, and there were extremely thin glimmering co-webs spreading across it.

"Does it hurt?" Sam finds himself asking, because it looks like it hurts, a lot. But Cas just shrugs.

"Not really."

Dean walks over too, wanting to see it closer, Cas said that something had tried to pull him, taking into account everything he just told them… could it be possible that maybe, just maybe God had been the one trying to grab him?

But if that was true… there was a pattern here…

He seemed to reach out to Cas whenever his safety was at risk, had also led him to his grace and made him take the angel tablet away… yet… why would he make Cas find his grace if he can't apparently use it?

"Why exactly can't you just take the grace?" Dean asks, making Castiel shift uncomfortably before this one grabs the shirt, busying himself with putting it back on. Dean narrows his eyes. "Is there something else we should know?"

"It matters not. I brought it upon myself and it will be a long, long time before it becomes an actual problem." Castiel states, finishing with the buttons and grabbing the suit jacket.

"So there is something." Dean accused, irritated, what was people's deal with hiding important shit from him? Castiel doesn't answer.

And then.

"I stole grace, it's how I 'powered up' when I was human. Humans are not made to ingest angel grace, it messes with the balance of their bodies to a subatomic level. I would have died eventually once the stolen grace faded."

And it would have been well deserved, even now, he felt disgusted with some of the choices he made at the time. But desperate times called for desperate solutions. He had needed to help somehow.

"I got what was left of my grace back, yes. But angels can't ingest each other's grace, think of it as how humans can't receive blood transfusions that don't match their own. There's lingering grace from those I stole, it's been… chipping away at mine if you will. It might be slower, might take years, decades even, but eventually, even my grace will fade."

He finished, fixing his tie around his neck, not bothering to look at them. He knows what he will find there and he does not want to see it.

"I'm sorry, were you going to tell us that you were dying or were we supposed to find out when you dropped dead on us?"

"You won't be here by the time it becomes a problem."

"That doesn't make it okay!" Dean snaps harshly, Castiel finally turns to look at him.

"Then what will you have me do? It can't be fixed." This was something that was rooted far too deep for it to be fixed so easily.

"I don't know, can't we like, remove your grace?"

"There will always linger grace behind."

"What about the needle you used on me for Gadreel's grace?" Sam hates to suggest that, but he couldn't just stand and do nothing, he had ignored it in the past, and he hated himself for it. He had heard Cas' coughs through the phone, he had known he wasn't right, and he had done nothing.

Well, he wouldn't do that again. He couldn't do that again. Cas has always been there for them, he was their friend.

Meanwhile, Castiel didn't answer, there could be a slight chance that it might work, I mean, his grace did fix most of the damage his human time with foreign grace did to his vessel. But it might also prove fruitless. He might just die.

Yet, that slight chance had his attention, on one hand, if he succeeded and was able to get that grace back into him, he might be able to be useful to fight Amara.

But if he failed and died… he would leave Sam and Dean to deal with this whole mess on their own. He didn't care what Ambriel said about Sam and Dean being the real heroes, he could help too. He would help too.

Thus, he sighs.

"I guess we could give it a try."