What's the Use of Worrying?
After a few days of combing the library and the records of the Relic Survey Corps (under supervision of course), the group came across a potential lead. Due to the symbols being related to Dust alchemy, it became obvious that the best place to piece together the corrupted files on the tablet was in Auriga. The problems with such a course of action? Winter was nearly upon the land and the war between the Allayi and Broken Lords was still raging. The solution to these problems was thankfully very simple even if it would cause a diplomatic headache later on.
"Well at least it's not a balloon," Sil commented as he looked at a set of loaded wagon carriages in an enclosed stable.
"Anything is better than flying," Edwad growled at the memory of the trip before he faced Toth, "Please tell me you're not hearing anything to suggest we'd be having a repeat of that."
"It's waiting. I'll know when we get going," Toth shrugged apologetically.
Sil huffed and bounced on his feet. While feeling a bit annoyed at Edward's comment about flight, memories of the miserable balloon journey made him sympathetic. It had been, of course, a terrible flight and he would rather not experience it again.
When was the last time I actually flew properly?, he asked himself as he scratched his sides through his vest.
As he did this, he could feel his wings protest for their lack of use. He still had yet to reveal them or his true heritage to the others yet, caught up in a whirlwind of research and the occasional political meeting with his "cousin" about the relationship between Nibel and Niwen. In some ways, he was relieved to keep his secrets for he was fearful of revealing them.
However, he was slowly becoming more concerned with every passing moment. He had promised to share his tales and there had been no hiding the legacy he carried with him from Danse. The other Guardian saw right through Sil and there was nothing that could be done about that. While not judgmental, the other Guardian insisted that Sil was worthy of his heritage but only if he truly embraced it. It was through these conversations that Sil found himself torn apart the most. Was he truly a mockery to the Light that did not deserve its warmth and guidance? Or was Sil simply a coward who let the jeers of the past hold him back from the Guardian he truly is?
"What's with the look?" Edward asked suddenly.
Sil blinked and realized he was still standing in the stable, "Just some stray thoughts. I'll...share once we get moving."
"Is it about what you've been hiding?"
"It is," Sil sighed as he began pacing, "Why did I agree to stay?"
"Is it because you keep looking at Amber like you want to kiss her?" Toth questioned abruptly.
Sil sputtered and tripped over his feet while Edward gave her a scrutinizing look.
"And I'm the blunt one?" Edward asked with more dryness than the desert sands of Gerora in the height of summer.
"The two of them are being denser than your facial expression. I'm the one with music in her head and partially insane so I might as well be the one to point it out," Toth said in a singsong voice.
Sil felt his face burn in embarrassment at the accusation. He would admit that he found Amber to be a pleasant person to be with, but that was as far as he would go. There was nothing between him and her outside of them being companions on this forsaken mess of an expedition. He trusted her...which made his cowardness all the more painful.
He truly did not deserve this comradery…
"At least Amber tries to act rational," Edward sighed as he rubbed his head, "You're a menace."
"You're noticing that now?!" Toth asked maniacally.
This was a mistake, Sil thought as multiple emotions coursed through him, I should've left when I had the chance.
"No, just acknowledging it," Edward replied as bluntly as he could before he turned and headed for a wagon.
"Here we are," the sound of Susan's voice spoke out as the doors opened while Edward started to head into the wagon, "And just in time as well it seems."
Sil, thankful for the new distraction, looked over to see Amber, Susan, and Wraith walking into the stable. He was quick to notice the returning sensation of his face heating up as well as his heartbeat rising when he spotted the drifter, forcing him to quickly look away. Whether he wanted to acknowledge Toth's (accurate) asinine statement or denounce it, he could not deny that just looking at Amber right now would be awkward.
"No, we're still waiting for lady Ajandek to return with her retinue," Toth said, "Although, I could explain why our dear companion decided to wait in the wagons. Curious Amber?"
"Say anything and I will not be held responsible for my actions," Sil said menacingly as he manifested a mace and pointed it at Toth.
"Okay… Do I even want to know?" Amber asked nervously.
"No!" Sil shouted.
"Well, I'm getting my entertainment one way or the other," Toth said cheerfully.
"Moving on… Do you want to explain or should we?" Wraith asked Amber.
"I'll handle it. But you two better take care of yourselves," Amber replied.
"We got to Crossroad didn't we?" Susan crossed her arms in a pout.
"And I ended up buying you both cinnamon rolls for you."
Dissipating the mace, Sil looked between Amber, Susan and Wraith in confusion. Before he could ask, however, Ril and her escort walked into the stable.
"Are you prepared?" Ril questioned Amber.
"Just saying my goodbyes," Amber said before she looked at Sil and Toth, "Ready?"
Toth cocked her head in thought before a manic grin etched its way on her face.
"I don't like the look of that," Amber pointed at Toth as the world distorted to clay.
"Die Musik spielt. Jetzt bin ich bereit. Kommt mit, Freunde! Es ist Zeit, eure Sorgen in unseren alten Seesack zu packen! Auf geht's! [The music is playing. Now I'm ready. Come along friends! It's time to pack your troubles in your old kit bag! Onwards!]" Toth said with an enthusiastic clap before humming out a tune.
Amber just palmed her face in exasperation while the other Vaulters blinked in confusion. Sil simply shook his head in exasperation and headed for the wagons himself.
"Best of luck. May we meet again under better circumstances," Susan said.
"Good hunting," Wraith agreed in a more serious tone, "And stay wary of those hunting you."
An hour later and the distortion remained stubbornly in place. While riding in the wagons, Amber explained that Susan and Wraith had been ordered by the queen herself to assemble a military response to counter the roaming warbands. While still Sil was unable to look at Amber directly (her face causing him to feel embarrassment while Toth's earlier comment kept repeating itself in his head), he felt mixed emotions about this knowledge. On one hand, he was relieved and almost satisfied that he was able to make a clean break from the two acquaintances. On the other, the journey and shared hardship had stuck with him. Maybe it was because he for once willingly stayed or maybe it was just because the circumstances involving everything made this more memorable. But either way, Sil found himself lingering on the Cherrystone mage and Floran mercenary and knew he would continue to do so for longer than any of his prior short-lived interactions with other people.
And here we are on our way to Auriga while winter is upon us, he thought as he stared out at the passing landscape, Away from Cherrystone and onto a new journey… Is this how grandfather felt when he was young?
"Sil? Tu vas bien? [Sil? Are you all right?]" Amber asked after several minutes of riding in silence.
"Mmm? Just thinking is all," he replied.
"Über deine Gefühle für- [About your feelings for-]" Toth started.
"How about we move on from that now?" Edward asked as he covered Toth's mouth, giving her an exasperated look.
"Dois-je-[Do I need to-]" Amber was cut off as the world distorted back to normal, "-threaten to stab her again?"
Toth managed to continue her smirk through Edward's hand. With a sigh, Edward pulled his hand away and pulled his book out. Sil merely returned his gaze back to the rolling countryside.
"Well, if there's nothing else then I'm just going to take it easy while I can," Amber rolled her shoulders and slid her hat over her face, "Wake me if anything happens."
"Hey! Pack up your troubles in your old-Oof!" Toth began to sing before being shoved by Amber.
"Stop it," Amber said, eyes still covered by her hat, unfazed from hitting the armor wearing Toth.
Sil chuckled while Edward rolled his eyes with a smile at the grumbling Toth who began to hum instead. Before he knew it, Sil also found himself humming along as well. The tension and anxiety he felt slowly dissipated as he did so. The scenery began to grow fuzzy and melted together. He struggled to keep his eyes open only to have them droop lower and lower. In the background he could faintly hear the others humming along as well.
"When...did everyone else join…in?" he mumbled as he fell asleep.
Some time later, Sil woke back up. His eyes hurt, tail was partially numb, wings were cramped as usual, and to top it all off he had a cramp in his neck. With a yawn, he rubbed his eyes and adjusted himself to alleviate the worst of the discomfort. Upon clearing his vision, he was greeted with the disorienting sight of the world being pixelated. Amber was still asleep with her hat over her face while Toth also was asleep, slouched in the seat. It was dark outside and the wagon was still rattling.
"So you're awake again," Edward commented next to him, flicking a page as he did so while holding a flashlight in one hand.
"How long have I been asleep?" Sil gave out another yawn.
"All afternoon," Edward held his place in the book and reached beneath the seat to pull out a canteen, "Thirsty?"
Sil accepted it and took a sip. The sip quickly turned into greedy gulps as he suddenly realized how thirsty he was. Before he knew it, the canteen was empty.
"Guess we'll get a refill later," Edward muttered as he accepted the now empty canteen back.
"I suppose we will," Sil agreed.
The two sat in uncomfortable silence. After a few moments of this Edward sighed, closed his book, and set it aside. With some adjustment, he angled his flashlight up at the ceiling of the wagon.
"Why are you leaving it on?" Sil asked, pointing at the flashlight.
"Nyctophobia," Edward answered only to receive a confused look from Sil, "Fear of the dark."
"That uh…You never seemed bothered before."
"If there's some light I'm fine. If there's nothing...well everyone is afraid of something."
Sil felt jealous that Edward could admit such a vulnerability so easily. The promise was sitting heavily in the back of his mind and he was growing more disgusted at his cowardice.
"How do you do it?" he asked, turning away and looking out into the night.
"Do what?" Edward asked back.
"This. You know I'm hiding something personal. You just freely admitted you're afraid of the dark without any shame. You just sit there with that blunt expression and let nothing bother you. Just how do you do that?"
Edward sighed and began rocking the flashlight back and forth, "Practice… Lots and lots of practice. When everyone is trying to pick you apart to figure out what makes you tick, you learn to do the same, reveal what they want to see, and hide what they don't need to."
"Easy for you to say," Sil scoffed.
"I never said that. Look Sil, I'm picking at you because we're similar. Amber has no filter on what she says or what she thinks while dragging us along with her while Toth has made it obvious she's here for the adventure. They've got more going on then that but they're obvious," Edward pointed a finger at Sil, "And then there's you."
Sil looked at the finger with a glare before letting out a huff, "You're not exactly the easiest to understand either Edward."
"No I'm not. We both hide things and are careful with what we reveal. But you're the exception to the rule regarding hidden matters. You have more secrets than most and under normal circumstances I would be suspicious of you being dangerous. But you're not."
Sil manifested a mace and held it up meaningfully.
"Not that kind of dangerous," Edward said dryly.
"Look Edward, I understand. I'm hiding things, don't interact with everyone, and shouldn't be here in the first place. I know we agreed to share our secrets but that includes them and I just don't know how to do any of that," Sil dissipated the mace.
"You could just tell us," Amber's voice said drowsily.
Both Edward and Sil turned to see Amber lifting her hat up with a yawn.
"You two are not very quiet," she said as the wagon bounced, causing her to temporarily lose her balance.
"Sorry," Sil apologized.
"Eh was waking back up anyway," Amber adjusted her hat, "So what exactly were you two talking about? Something about personal secrets?"
"Along those lines," Sil shrugged.
"We've traveled and fought alongside each other long enough. I might be a cynic, but you crazy surfacers have earned my trust," Edward explained, unintentionally blinding Amber with the flashlight.
"Hey watch it with that!"
Sil rolled his eyes and returned his gaze back towards the darkened landscape. Despite having slept for hours, he felt tired. Shifting his gaze towards Amber, he was able to look at her face without a flush of embarrassment causing him to flinch away. She was easy to look at, had a mischievous look about her, and seemed to hold a cautious optimism that hid the sharp edges he knew she used when the situation demanded it. He then looked at Edward. The Europan was a blunt boulder as always, but an honest and reliable person who kept things simple.
And then there is me, he thought to himself.
"Do we have any idea on how long this ride is supposed to be?" Amber asked, breaking Sil from his thoughts.
"A few weeks from what I recall. Though the war and weather may cause complications alongside those hunting us," Edward replied.
They trust you despite everything. Be honest with them even if you can't be honest with yourself Sil! "Well we at least should be able to make good time due to riding in wagons as opposed to walking… Do we know what the lyrics to Toth's song are?" Sil asked.
"No but that tune is stuck in my head again now that you brought it up," Amber groaned.
"Well...what else are we going to do?" Edward asked.
The three of them exchanged blinking glances as the world distorted back to normal. Before he could stop himself, Sil began humming the tune. Edward joined in next and was quickly followed by Amber giving off a sigh before she joined in as well. Much like when they had left Crossroad, Sil had very little idea on what to think of the song. However, it was comforting and the simple act warmed his heart far more than the Light ever did.