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"Kai!" Bonnie called, turning around and around in place as if she missed him hiding somewhere. She couldn't believe he'd left her and taken the car.
At first she thought that maybe he was trying to be funny, that he was playing a joke, but when he didn't reappear with a sweeping 'ta-da!' she started to lose it.
Where was he? Why did he leave her?
She didn't want to think back to the previous time he'd abandoned her and taken the car, but she couldn't help it. Her hands moved to her stomach, to the scar beneath her breast, hidden by her clothes, her fingers probing at the spot as if she could convince herself she was still in pain.
"Kai," she croaked, breaking out in a cold sweat, her head growing heavy as her world started to spin. She reached out to try and grab onto something to steady herself, and found only air, her legs carrying her a few steps before giving way beneath her. She dropped onto the dirt, her hands coming to rest in her lap, her eyes darting around the desert trying to find something to latch onto. Her hands dove into her pockets, feeling for her phone, combating the swell of emotions threatening to choke her as panic set in.
What could she do from here?
"Goddammit, Kai!"
The wind picked up in gusts, raising little sand whirlwinds here and there around her, as though the desert woke up with little gasps of breath.
Something stung her on the elbow. She started a little with a hiss, and made to look, but then another sting pricked her shoulder, then her hip, then her shoulderblade, and her side. The sand vortexes were growing, dancing around her, shooting little pebbles at her like bullets, faster and faster. She heard them whistling past her ears, and jumped every time they hit her.
Confusion and anger coursed through her as the stinging became harsher, cutting short the anxiety she'd been stewing in. She hunched in on herself, trying to protect herself from the clouds of sand sweeping around her, centering on her as if in the eye of a sandstorm. Magic started seeping out of her, coming up around her, pushing back against the force of the sand until she hollowed out an inch-thick shield around herself, making it so she could straighten up and see through the waves of sand. She could move, but slowly, feeling the magic grip in on her, threatening to grow bigger, to explode as she tapered her fear, trying to calm whatever had started to attack.
Something suddenly caught her attention, some sound beneath the shuffling and whooshing of the little sandstorm. She couldn't quite understand what it was at first, looking around frantically, trying to see in every direction at once.
From the corner of her eye, she glimpsed some movement, and when her eyes shot down, she saw the source of the sound, that low hissing that was driving her anxiety higher and now sent it skyrocketing through the sky.
Snakes! They were slithering towards her from all directions, slim black zigzags of hissing menace leaving the wavy imprints on the worrying sand.
The scream that fell from her lips was as close to a siren song as Bonnie would ever get. Only without the melody. Her shield fell away, sand immediately attacking her face, dragging her back at the last moment, warmth spraying from her hands with no more than a simple intention as she tried to cut a path through the snakes circling around her, sending those closest to her heels flying away from her so she could cut herself a path and sneak through. Her fear was beyond her understanding, as was her use of magic, something she'd never relied on as she was now.
The wind grew stronger as though its gusts were invisible palms slapping her around, sending her reeling this way and that. The snakes were hissing so loud it felt like they were all in her head. She felt some wiggling bodies under her feet and couldn't help but dance around screaming, losing more touch with the situation. It was some nightmare she couldn't wake up from. Another torrent of warm dry air smacked her sideways, her feet stumbled over each other, and she went down with a short squeal.
Next second, the cool wiggling bodies were around her, under her, on her, climbing her like a live wave that was about to cover her whole.
"No," she moaned, her voice breaking away as her mouth snapped closed, not wanting one of the snakes to crawl into it. Her body was on fire, the blood ringing in her ears, the magic on her fingers aching as it clumsily searched to protect her.
It felt as if the air around her was wiggling against her, slithering its way under her clothes and snaking up and down her skin like tentacles of some sentient being that wanted to drive her mad.
And then there was a sting. The pain flooded her side like a pool of hot poison, making her cry out. Her body became numb, trembling, her heart racing so hard she was convinced it was trying to escape through her throat. She began to cry for help.
"So, what are you going to do now?" the painfully familiar voice demanded, ringing through the hissing of the snakes and whooshing of the wind. A silhouette was approaching her, and her vision all blurry with tears barely made it out, but the voice alone had her cry harder. Sheila Bennett stopped five feet short of her, her arms folded, disappointment pulled tight over her face. "Are you going to fail me? It's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed for you."
As if the storm had sucked up the air around her, and transported her, Bonnie appeared back in the cage with Elena, trying to coax her into her human body, toying with her own life again. Sheila had worn the same look of disappointment then. The first and only time Bonnie had seen it.
"You're not her," Bonnie hissed, trying to convince herself of the truth despite what her eyes were saying, despite the snakes temporarily paralyzing her. With her senses overloaded, it was hard for her to focus, to stay within the realm of reality and know that the poison coursing through her veins wasn't killing her. It hurt, but it was a hurt she was used to, one that she could push through, one that she could strangle and manipulate to her own will.
An invisible hand shot out as if to fuel that determination, gripping the snake closest to her chin, hauling it away from her as if it were on fire, throwing it toward her grandmother looming in the middle of the storm, transforming at last minute into a crude spear.
Sheila only shook her head as if Bonnie was an absolutely hopeless case. The spear dissolved in its flight, and another snake bit Bonnie's arm.
"I didn't raise you to fail," Sheila reprimanded. "Look at yourself, crawling in the dirt, crying and doing nothing. Waiting for someone to save you? You're not a little girl anymore. No one's coming. No one will save you but you."
She held a hand out, and the worst possible migraine bloomed inside Bonnie's skull like a black poisonous flower. Blood crept out of her nostrils.
"I didn't raise you weak," Sheila's voice boomed over the storm.
"Stop it!" Bonnie grunted, her eyes squeezed shut, the snakes forgotten despite their hissing, the sand biting into her arms like bees. She was crying, her hands having shifted to protect her head, to try and alleviate the pain. It had become too much and like every vampire she'd attacked with this spell she had no way to combat it.
"Stop what?" Sheila tipped her head sideways like a curious bird, a small callous sneer creased her mouth. "What will you do if I don't? Look at yourself. Think your enemies will just stop when you tell them to stop? Pathetic."
Her fingers flexed, adding another edge to Bonnie's pain. The snakes disappeared as though they never existed, and suddenly Bonnie found bunches of huge cockroaches crawling all over her, their legs pinching her skin.
Bonnie's eyes crossed, losing herself to the pain that bloomed behind her eyes, getting worse, the blood ringing in her ears making her pray she would pass out. She was close. She flexed her hands trying to get them to work, to focus, to push past the searing pain so she could do something to injure her attacker, and yet all she could do was expel a weak groan.
"Stop. It!"
Sheila snarled, her eyes widening, turning icy blue under a mop of black hair. "Make me," Damon growled, and within one instant Bonnie was hauled up from the ground, and he tucked into her neck with no mercy, ripping through her skin, his fingers digging into her arms pinning them to her body like metal vice.
She screamed, pain radiating through her neck, her arms stiff at her sides as she fought his hold. She couldn't find the words to tell him to stop this time, instead, she focused on the blood he was draining from her, the life force that he was stealing and began to lodge it in his throat. She was making sure he couldn't take any more than he already had and that he'd choke on it.
The migraine immediately sharpened like a ball of metal needles pulsating in the middle of her brain, bashing her off focus. Through the veil of agony, she saw the outline of another silhouette standing before her. "Pain can be too much," Kai said. "It can cripple and rob you of all you have. But in the end of the day, pain is just a distraction. Focus, Bonnie. You got your power in you, and pain can't take it away from you. Focus! Get! Angry! FIGHT!"
Her mouth had opened into a silent scream, her eyes falling shut as the pain increased, stealing her vision but not the encouragement of Kai's words. She was angry, so was incredibly angry, so much so she wished she could turn her blood into acid.
Acid! It was as if the idea had come to her on a sweep, making her change her trajectory again, her legs threatening to give way beneath her even as she could feel the rush of electricity charge through her. With her hands uselessly at her sides, she waited, hopeful the spell would kick in, that her anger and hurt was bitter on Damon's tongue.
Kai laughed, shaking his head. "You're doing it all wrong, little witch. You waste your focus."
He flicked his hand, and Bonnie's body was jerked up like a puppet suspended on its strings, her feet dangling a few inches over the ground. A blinding light flashed in her eyes, and suddenly she saw Kai's face hovering over her, a small knowing smirk on his mouth and his knife twisting in her gut. She was back in Oregon, being screwed over once again, as though everything that happened after had never existed.
"You can't attack the mirror if it's your face you hate," Kai hissed, sneering. "Find the real target. It's not the pain — it's what's causing it."
The flash was enough, as was the knife in her gut. It was as if he was wrenching every good thing from her, sucking it out through that wound in her chest like a bitter river. She hated not just Damon in that moment, but everyone, everyone that had forgotten her, everything that had left her to suffer alone. Her lips thinned, body trembling from the rush of adrenaline, reaching into herself again, this time for that thin cord that kept the two connected and allowed her to find its anchor. She latched onto Kai, onto his movement within the illusion, forcing herself to push past the pain she'd been enduring until she had echoed his attack. A snake appearing around his neck like a seductive hand, squeezing like an anaconda, threatening to pop his eyes from his head.
He tilted his head from one side to another as though working a kink from it, and the snake crumbled around his neck like a necklace made of sand. "Not enough," he said, his voice ringing in her ears. "Where is your fury? Get it, dip down to the bottom of your being and find it, the kind of fury that tumbles trees and sinks ships out in the ocean."
The Oregon illusion fell down around her, and she was face to face with Kai back in the tunnels beneath Mystic Falls. His hands were clasping her wrists in vicious grip, squeezing, burning like red-hot iron, burning through her skin and bone, through every cell of her being as magic was seeping from her body into his. His eyes were like two black lasers burrowing deep through hers.
"Anger is rash, it flares up quick and dies out like a candle in the wind. Find the power inside you, Bonnie, the power that doesn't fade, that doesn't slack. That cold fury that's waiting there like a storm in nature's womb waiting for the earth to unleash it. Find your power! Find! Your! STORM!"
Pain touched every part of her. Her neck, her stomach, her arms. Tears streaming down her cheeks, her face a mask of misery even as she tried to lock onto his words, onto trying to save herself. There had only been one time when she'd succeeded like that. During her black magic phase. With Silas. When he'd been controlling her, when he'd been in her head and she'd been channeling her ancestry line. She could feel the same overwhelming sensation in the pit of her stomach, bubbling, threatening to choke her instead, but spilling forth, sweeping out of her like a shield that knocked into him with the force of a tsunami wave. Only once his tormenting hands were torn from her body did her onslaught continue, closing in around him, forcing him to bend and adapt even as a bone was snapped. She didn't know which one. An arm? Wrist? Neck? She couldn't see. All she could do was feel, burn, attack, and never stop attacking.
He staggered back from her, gasping as his wrists snapped one after another. The vampire healing did away with the pain almost at once, and his own rush of adrenaline and arousal helped. He flicked a hand at her, sending her flying back. She landed on her ass, sliding a foot in the sand for good measure, and then another twist of his hand, and her temples exploded in a new bout of throes. More blood trickled from her nose onto her lips and chin, dripping down to her chest.
"Be the force of nature, Bonster," Kai commanded, his voice penetrating her pain. "Find it in you! It's there beneath your skin, it's in your every cell, in every fiber of your being! You are the power, Bonnie, you are the power! WAKE IT UP! BECOME IT!"
She was getting sick of the abuse. But more so pain. Despite her head being on the verge of explosion and blood trickling afresh from her nose, she lashed out again, this time with the use of her hands. She started on his legs. They disappeared from beneath him, cracking so loudly that she winced, turning inward on themselves, looking grotesque and mangled, as if he'd been caught under a mac-truck.
"I AM AWAKE!" Bonnie yelled back, the force of her words carrying the magic to slam into him again, knocking him onto his back, crushing down on his skull to return the massive headaches he'd been giving her. She wanted him to suffer, to feel, to ache as she was. She'd never taken pleasure in hurting anyone, but with the blood at her nose, the pain behind her eyes, she wanted nothing more than to sear his flesh from bone. She considered it, wondering if it was possible, feeling the heat dance at the tips of her fingers and slither outward like his snakes had, trying, and twisting at the edges until she could see it lift delicate flesh from bone as if he were being hooked and hoisted.
Realizing what she was doing, how deep she'd gone, she drew back, not liking that part of herself, not liking how easy it was to dive into the call of darkness and embrace it.
"THAT'S ENOUGH!"
"You planning to come inside?" Stefan asked as he approached his brother's car. He crossed his arms and leaned down to rest on the passenger door. Caroline made a non-committal noise but said nothing else. He could sense she was tired. Her head was tipped toward the sky, enjoying the sunshine, filling her with peace. Stefan opened the door and joined her. They sat in silence for a couple of minutes.
"I dropped Enzo in town," Caroline said before he could ask.
"You let him go?" Stefan retorted, although he already knew the answer. He didn't like the guy, but he preferred keeping an eye on him so he could know where Enzo was and what there was to worry about.
"He wasn't a prisoner," Caroline stated.
"Do you think he is going to be a problem?"
"Isn't he always?" Caroline asked, turning her head to face him. Stefan did the same. They looked at each other without a word, knowing that what she said was true. They were going to have to keep an ear to the ground, make sure they kept tabs on him and that he wouldn't surprise them.
"It didn't go well?" Stefan asked, changing the topic.
"You read my texts?"
Stefan nodded, relaying that he knew she'd been unsuccessful.
"We searched the house top to bottom and found nothing," Caroline stated, despondent.
"That's not entirely true," Stefan said, producing his phone and the picture she'd sent him. The ascendant. "I wouldn't say you came up with nothing. The ascendant is definitely something."
He'd been looking at the image and trying to figure out if it was something he could make himself. He wasn't a half bad welder when it came to cars, this would merely be another thing he could add to his ever growing list of things learned. There was no guarantee it would work, that he could do it, but it would give Caroline hope. It's what they needed. Both of them.
"But how helpful is it? Kai, Liv and Jo are the only people who'd make sense of it. Two of three are dead," Caroline said, disregarding of her usual positivity. She flushed, feeling bad about mentioning either Parker sibling in the past tense when they hadn't even made plans to bury Jo. "Have you heard from Alaric?"
"I tried to call him, to check in, but it went right to voicemail," Stefan said.
"I should bring him a pot roast," Caroline said with a sigh, sounding tired. She'd been putting out a lot of fires lately and none of them seemed to be dying out. "Make sure he is settling in."
"I'm sure he'll like that," Stefan said, thinking that he wouldn't, but that it was necessary. Alaric had lost it and they didn't know what to do. He needed someone rational, and hopefully Jeremy was pulling his weight. Perhaps Alaric could help with the ascendant? Maybe he needed something to take his mind off Jo. Maybe Jeremy was helping with that? The boy had been ignoring his phone calls too. "You could show him your diagram of the ascendant. He might have advice."
"He needs time to grieve," Caroline mused, taking the phone from him, studying it a second longer before handing it back. He set it down in his lap and saw her shift to reach into the back. She produced the book she'd gotten it from.
"You stole this?" Stefan asked jokingly.
"I borrowed it," Caroline said, flashing him a half smile. She handed him the thick volume. He paged through it, taking in the bits of information. He would look at it more thoroughly later. "How's Damon?"
"Sullen and hungry," Stefan answered.
He didn't like what he was doing to Damon, but knew it was the right thing. If Bonnie hadn't been so severely hurt, he wouldn't have had any reason to keep his brother prisoner alongside their mother. Unfortunately, they both needed the time-out. Stefan had hoped that when he got his brother back from the dead things would change, that they would get past this whole anti-villain streak he liked to revisit every decade. No one had taken into account losing Elena so soon though.
"What about you?" Caroline asked, seeing the frown lines on his face.
"What about me?"
Caroline smiled lightly, giving him a knowing look. They only had each other to count on and she knew he was as tired as she was. "Want me to step in and take over on the Salvatore watch duty? Don't suppose you know how to make a pot roast?"
"Actually I make a mean pot roast," Stefan said, flashing her a smile. He enjoyed cooking. He was also good at it. He didn't do it often. He snapped shut the book and freed up his phone from beneath it. A message came in from Matt, letting him know that Enzo was at the Mystic Grill. Stefan wasn't surprised. He shot a text back to let him know that he was aware he was free, that for now they were on good terms, but to keep an eye on him and call if he needed help. "You should go get some sleep."
"I'm not tired," Caroline retorted, opening her eyes again. She had closed them for a few seconds while he had been busy texting. "Besides… there's still a lot that needs to be done."
"Our troubles aren't going anywhere. They'll still be here in an hour," Stefan said.
Caroline pouted and fixed him with a look that said 'that doesn't make it better'. She removed the keys from the ignition, handing them to Stefan, and got out of the car. "I'll only nap an hour."
"I'll get started on your pot roast," Stefan said as he watched her head inside. He sighed, sitting with his thoughts, mulling over what his life had become, and then headed inside to check what he had in the freezer. If he didn't have what was needed, he'd have to go out and do a little shopping.
Kai drew a deep breath when their magic stopped colliding like conflicting waves in the ocean before an earthquake and his body had a chance to finish healing. They were sitting on the sand across from each other like boxers after a particularly exhausting round. He observed Bonnie with a critical eye. "What is it?"
She couldn't bring herself to look at Kai. She was mad. Very, very mad. Blood had dried beneath her nose and chin and her body continued to hum from the aftermath of their chaotic magic and adrenaline. She was sure she looked like a train wreck. She felt like one. Her index finger moved through the sand in front of her, drawing a heart—only to drag a deep line through it and erase it—before drawing another, and then another. "Good question," Bonnie said, deadpan. She stopped drawing to finally look at him. "What was that?"
Kai raised his eyebrows, "I'm sorry, what did you expect, exactly? That I would give you a candle and offer to light it, and then we'd call it a day and go for a dinner?"
Bonnie looked unimpressed. She settled her hands in her crossed lap, itching to snap his neck and fighting the colossal urge to do so. If she was honest, she wasn't sure what she was expecting. Luka had shown her magic once. Helped her channel him. The closest thing she'd ever had to a teacher. Even if at the time it had been a ploy to win her over and find the moonstone. Part of the experience had felt genuine, which is why, when he died, she grieved the loss. She had to wonder if the stuff Kai was saying through her grandmother was what his father had said to him to spur him on. She knew it stemmed from somewhere, something learned, and yet she couldn't help being irritated. Perhaps it was the blood on her face and the heat of the sand beneath her that was making her feel that way. Perhaps it was the fact that he'd taught her his tricks in a way she hadn't expected. Or wanted.
"Does it matter what I expected? You clearly went into this with something in mind. What was it? My fear is a trigger? A reactive? That I lash out and have better control? That I learn to control my emotions?"
"Emotion is a power, Bonnie," Kai said in a calm tone, unperturbed by her anger still lingering around her. "It's something that ignites very quickly and flares very brightly, it can deliver a hell of a hit. But your emotions are a stampede. Like a herd of crazy spooked bulls that run every whichway and sweep everything in their way like a hurricane. That herd needs a cowboy to run where you want it. And it requires discipline, a lot of focus, a steel focus and steel nerves. Tolerance for any kind of pain, both physical and emotional. You got none. Your level is too low. Everything hurts and you lose it. But pain wears out. Like fear. I know that firsthand. It's when your power becomes a feeling, something that is stable, following your will. When your will is strong and unwavering — so is your power. So how do you suggest I help you with that?"
The fact that he was addressing her calmly and logically was beginning to make her feel better. Or at least less on the defensive. She unclenched her fists and tried to relax. What he was saying made sense. Her reaction had been chaotic, out of control and useless. Unfortunately, she didn't know how to reign in that stallion. But deeper down—the part that had failed and died so many times—she didn't believe herself capable. She opened her mouth to say something and then paused, her tongue getting stuck to the roof of her mouth. She needed water. A lot of water. She'd screamed herself hoarse.
"If I knew the answer to that, we wouldn't be here, would we?"
Kai chuckled, nodded. "You got that right."
She turned her hands over, studying the blood and dirt beneath her nails. Pushing the conversation was hard when all she really wanted to do was throw a tantrum. She needed to remember who she was dealing with. Kai didn't think the same way that normal people did. She had to believe he was truly trying to help her. In his own way. "How are you able to do so much magic at once and not get overloaded? Is it because of your leader connection?"
He shrugged, not really caring to analyze it. "I'm a heretic. Maybe it's enough. As for the leader, I guess that's not a factor anymore. Why does it matter? If you mean to compare, your power should be beyond what I can do. In theory. You've done things that amaze me. But when you pull those tricks, you do it out of despair, out of fear. It's not enough. It's weak. When you lash out, it has to come from the place of power. You have no idea where that place is in you. We have to find it. Fast."
"Beyond what you can do?" Bonnie was still trying to measure that, to see it in her head. "The all mighty Gemini Coven Leader? Or ex-coven leader." She wasn't sure how that worked anymore. She also couldn't imagine it. She knew she could be strong, that she could be capable, but if she compared it to anyone else, anyone of prominence, she felt and knew she fell short. "Maybe we can start small and work our way up?" She glanced down at the sand, opening her fingers, wiggling them. "How'd you manipulate the sand? Was everything an illusion?"
"No, not everything." Kai sighed. "It's not important. Better tell me, why did you stop?"
"Of course it's important," Bonnie said, her irritation climbing again. "All of it is important. It's things I can't do. I've never been able to just do anything. I had to study everything." She scooped sand into her palm and focused her energy. The pile began to move, slow at first, moving in a clockwise direction until she'd managed the smallest of twister in her hand. She could feel the strain at her core though. Feel her nose want to bleed. Or was that fear? Her preempting what she knew would happen in time if she pushed herself? She let the twister disperse and dusted off her palm. "Why do you think I stopped?"
His expression was hard to read. He was calmly observing her, the hint of a condescending smile hidden in the corners of his mouth. "It matters that you understand why you stopped. So tell me — tell us both aloud."
"I stopped because there was nothing that I could do," Bonnie murmured. She didn't bother to look up at him. She could sense he knew as much but that he wanted her to voice it for whatever reason. His teachings were beyond her. She wasn't sure she liked them at all. "You're really powerful. Mega powerful," Bonnie added, overdramatizing the mega.
Kai watched her for a long moment, nodded subtly as though to his own inner understanding. He looked back to her with lazy expectancy. "So what is your plan? To tell those Heretics that there is nothing you can do? Or you're so used to dying that it's what you've already decided you're going for?"
"Of course not. It's to fight. Fight until my last breath," Bonnie stated. One of the few things she did consistently in her life. Fight and die. Die and fight. There was no one or the other. She wanted to change that, she was desperate for it, but she wasn't sure she appreciated his method of getting there. "When you said you'd be teaching me a trick, I assumed you'd actually be showing me – not trying to kill me."
Kai flicked his wrist, and Bonnie was flung up like a puppet on invisible strings once more. Her eyes widened in surprise and fright alike, her breath caught in her throat, and she found she couldn't move, suspended and paralyzed with her arms pinned to her sides and her toes barely touching the sand beneath. Kai approached her slowly like a stalking wild cat, his face void of any warmth, any playfulness, any hint of smile that would let her hope it was all a part of a jest or another prank to shock or test her. For the first time since their chaotic road trip had started, she felt afraid of not what he could do to people around her, but of him. The painfully familiar pattern of their prison world dynamic of a Scream serial killer and his victim bloomed in her mind like a fat drop of bright red ink spilt into a glass of water.
Kai stood before her, his eyes darker with his pupils dilated like a cat's at the sight of prey, his features stony with either indifference or cold fury. Her instincts inclined to think the latter.
"Fight until my last breath," he recited, a corner of his mouth creased disdainfully. "I don't believe you. You don't believe it yourself, either. Just minutes ago you begged me to stop. You said there was nothing you could do. What freaking trick you expect to learn from me, huh, Bonnie? What is there amazing enough you think I can show you that would do away with six Heretics as capable as I am if you can't even stop one? With that attitude, all you gonna do is surrender and then watch them destroy everyone you still care about before they finally deal with you. That is what's gonna happen. And you'll be a million times more broken and in pain, and just as useless."
If Bonnie knew what to expect, then they wouldn't be here trying to train. How did Kai not see that? How had everything she said gone over his head and become so literal? Her heart was still thrashing in her chest, but her anger had returned at full force. There was nothing worse than feeling helpless. She narrowed her eyes and hit him with an aneurism, repeating it over and over in attempt to get him to let her go. It's what he wanted. He wanted her to hurt him, and for the first time she was willing to do so without any thought of the consequences or her guilt.
"Thank you for seeing me." Caroline tried her usual brilliant smile of friendly gratitude, but it didn't come out as shiny as she intended. Alaric barely twitched his mouth to respond, still looking grim with his eyes a bit red-rimmed.
He met her at a bar, and had been waiting with a glass of scotch when she arrived. He barely acknowledged her pot roast with a nod, and kept eyeballing her expectantly, feeling he had no reason to be meeting her in the first place, and therefore, it was her initiative to offer any topic for discussion.
Caroline ordered herself a coffee, and tried to compose her nerves. The grief and shame kept gnawing at her in his presence. He had been helping them for so long, and none of them could protect him and Jo. It would haunt her forever. And him, probably, too.
She drew in a deeper breath, letting it out in a sigh. "You seeing Jeremy?"
"Yeah," Alaric nodded, sipped his drink. "He's around, trying to keep an eye on me like I'd do something crazy." He was saying it in a noncommittal, impassive manner that made Caroline feel a bit cold inside.
She nodded, taking a careful sip of her scalding coffee, considering her options. "I've been to Oregon," she said. "Thought there'd be something on Heretics…"
"Let me guess," he smiled a little. "You got nothing?"
She shook her head. "So many books, but hardly anything of use."
"Well, those people were superb at hiding themselves and their stuff."
"But now they're dead. I thought their cloaking spells would fall away or something…"
"Kai died," Alaric reminded with a small shrug, "and Heretics are still hidden, right?"
"Yeah, that's the problem. If only we knew where—"
"And what would you do, exactly?" His voice gained a sharper edge, his eyes gleaming in the dim lighting. "Try to fight six Kais and hope to win? It's ridiculous. Best for you all is to get the hell out of town and leave it all behind."
Caroline scowled, "You know we can't do that. It's our home, our friends are there—"
"Friends can be relocated, and home is where those you love are. You can't possibly hope to stay there and expect it all to resolve somehow, do you understand that?"
"We're not hoping for anything, but just up and running? To what end? What do we accomplish by running from six witches? If they wish to find any of us, they will anyway."
"They probably will," he agreed, and sipped his scotch. "But then again, what do they have to find you for? You, or Stefan, Damon — you're nothing to them. I don't suppose they got any beef with you. Or Matt, for that matter."
"You're forgetting Lily," Caroline gave a sour little smile. "She's locked up at the Salvatores', desiccated and mad as a hatter. If she tells them we gotta pay for her troubles, they will have our heads for it."
Alaric sneered wryly, "And yet you're still there. You people amaze me." He shook his head with a sardonic chuckle. "But I was making the same mistake over and over, until it cost me everything. Everything, Caroline." His eyes, keen and gleaming, were boring into hers. "If you want to keep people you love alive, you better fix it with Lily and get the hell out of that place. There is no other way."
"What if there is?" she leaned forward a tad, her coffee forgotten. Her gaze was filled with anxious hope. "What if we can do something? They can't be allowed to roam free, Ric. We gotta do something about it."
He barked a bitter laugh. "Good luck."
"Look at this." She produced her phone and gave it to him with the picture of the ascendant on the screenshot. "What if this thing could be made, and we could trap them—"
"There are no prison worlds left, Caroline," he reminded with calm resignation, pushing the phone back to her across the table. "Kai's death before he turned destroyed the two existing ones. To make a new one? Hell, who even knows how it's done. Jo had no idea, no one ever spoke to her about it in her family. It was a secret they kept even from their children. It was the leader's job to maintain them and keep that secret. There's probably no record on how the ascendant is made, what it takes to create a prison world."
"That book this picture's in tells about the Gemini coven and their prison worlds."
"But nothing on how it's done." Alaric smiled. "Everyone who knew is dead. Joshua, Bonnie's grandmother. Kai hardly ever cared to learn, but even if he did — think he'd want to lock them up? So you'd trick him again and put him right there with them? He's not gonna be that stupid. He let them out because he wants them here, as his backup, his army, his kin. They know what he is, that he's one of them, and they all have the same goals. Revenge and mayhem."
Caroline bit her lip, thinking about Bonnie and her call, things she said about Kai and him helping her. "What if Kai's against them?"
Alaric snorted, swallowed another sip of scotch. "Why? You think he cares about Bonnie or any of you to screw them over? Nah. Forget it. His only goal here is to fuck you all up in the most painful of ways. If he's with Bonnie right now, he's gaining her trust, lying through his teeth so he could make the final stab more painful. It's what he is. It's what he's done to Jo — stabbed her when she least expected it, in her happiest moment, when it hurt the most. He'll do the same to Bonnie, so he could see that hurt in her, to see he succeeded."
Caroline tightened her jaw, hating how she trusted these painful words more than what Bonnie told her. "But… don't you think Bonnie would know? Feel it? She's a witch, she can read you through a touch… she would know."
Alaric donned a faint ironic smile, fiddling with his glass. "Think she wants to know?"
His vision darkened as the shimmering pain claimed his head, but Kai gnashed his teeth and mirrored it to Bonnie without much effort. Her face distorted, her body shivered in the vice of his magic. He let the pain intensify for her before it eased up to allow her to listen to him.
He donned a small humorless smile, looking at her wistfully. "Since the first time I saw you, you've been somewhat of a puzzle to me. I love puzzles. I wanted to know how you tick. All that power in you — how it all works. You get triggered by fear for others. You can move a mountain and kill yourself in overexertion to save someone you love. But that someone is never you. You don't hold a sliver of love you're capable of feeling for yourself. No wonder everyone abandons you. You project into the world that you're unimportant, unworthy of love and devotion. You don't even appreciate any of your talents or capabilities, you don't realize what you are, how powerful and formidable a force you can be even when you've seen it, felt it, watched the consequences of what you could accomplish. When I told you about it in the jet, it was like I was telling you about another person. You don't think of yourself that way. No wonder you can't reach your source — you're in denial of its existence. You're denying your own nature, ever since you've discovered it."
He took a step closer, watching her with a cold little smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, while her migraine finally abated, leaving her worn out. His image morphed suddenly, and it was as if she was looking in the mirror where two eyes, black as void, stared at her from her own face. "You're scared of your own power more than you're scared of me or any enemy you face. And that's what's crippling you."
Those black eyes made her blood run cold. He was right. She was afraid of herself, afraid of what she could do or had done, but it also wasn't that simple. She shuddered as she stared into those lifeless unfeeling eyes. She could feel the magic want to push forward, to obliterate the image he was showing her and destroy them both. "That's scarier than anything and anyone I've ever faced."
The image dissipated, revealing Kai's face wearing the same impassive, stony expression. "You're denying your own self, you're just a useless shadow watching the world through a mask's eyeholes, an impotent passenger in your own mind and body. What good are you if you can't even claim what you are? Who's gonna save your friends if you're as good as a ghost — cursed to watch and never interfere? You're living in a prison world of your own making, Bonnie. You're never gonna break free — because you believe it's where you belong. You pretend to be living, but you're just an image, empty inside. A magical broom waiting to clean up after your friends and idling by the wall in-between."
Tears sprung to her eyes, anxiety making her body hum unpleasantly. She wanted to be sick. She swallowed, willing her breakfast to stay down, wishing he would let her go so she could put space between them. She felt raw and exposed and Kai keeping her anchored so close to the truth made her angry. She wanted to attack him. She wanted to attack herself. To beat herself broken and bloody. She sucked in a shaky breath and tried to find her voice.
"It might look that way from the outside, but I'm not pretending to live. I'm trying to live. Big difference. A lot gets in my way. Like Heretics. Like being forced to hide. If I was empty, I wouldn't have a purpose. I do have a purpose. Me. I want to live."
"Lies!" he snarled, startling her. Then chortled as though in disbelief. "You don't even know you're lying. The deadliest thing you can do to yourself is make yourself believe your own lies. Any purpose, any goal you ever think of lies outside, in all those other people, in their lives, their goals, their purpose. You got none of your own. Somehow at some point you decided you don't deserve any of it. That you're less important than anyone else you loved. You still believe it. And you're lying to me now." He leaned in so his eyes were level with hers. "You can't fool me. You best quit trying. It's pissing me off."
"You don't know me," Bonnie said, steeling her voice, swallowing the part of her that feared him and had been rattled by his ferocity. Tears had started to fall silently. "You think you do, but you don't. I do want to live. I do want to have a future. And yes, my friends are important to me. They'll always be important. They're the only family that I have left." She just never knew how to make them work together or meld together when trouble arose. It was as if she had to pick between herself and them and it was always only those two options. There had never been the opportunity for a third option.
"Wrong," he snapped. "You can't have a family if you have no filling. You're empty. You're a ghost. You're a cardboard figure. You locked your essence away and pretend to still be it, but you're just a mirage. You turned yourself into a thing that exists for serving your friends. You're their thing. Their broom, their horse that will break a leg saving them and then they'll shoot you down. When was the last time you did something for yourself? Something you and no one else wanted? Something you wanted so much that you didn't give a damn about what any of your stupid family would say about it? Huh? The most pathetic thing is you don't even have dreams about living for yourself. All your dreams are nightmares about being abandoned or dying for someone else once again."
"That's only partially true. I have you," Bonnie said. Not that she hadn't briefly worried what her friends would say about it, what Caroline would think and feel about it, but ultimately Bonnie's want to help Kai was her decision. "I'm helping you. I'm doing that because I want to. Because that is the right thing for me. It's still the right thing. It's the only motivation I have—and until the Heretics are taken care of—the only thing I'm putting my energy into."
He eyeballed her for a few seconds in silence, then laughed. "That's cute," he said, mild amusement seeping through the cold inferior for the first time like a brief ray of sunshine breaking through the thick duvet of murky clouds. "But if you put your ear to it and listen very closely, you can hear what it's really about. It's not a selfish desire. It's that proverbial Right Thing. Like there's some set of rules written by God or something, and you just need that medal to deem yourself good. Because you feel you're undeserving without it. Look for motivation, and you won't find any personal gain, any personal pleasure you were after. It's guilt that drove you to it. I guilt-tripped you and it worked. Just as it always works with your friends. Just like Damon could string up hundreds of things in a row proving how unworthy or underachieving you were and you ate it all up as he fed it to you every damn day in the prison world."
She didn't know how she felt about Kai admitting that he guilt-tripped her or that he recognized the same in Damon. Even if she knew what both had been doing to her. The problem was that she didn't like hearing it out loud. That she didn't like him saying it so casually as if she should be okay with the admission. She expected Kai to manipulate her, and in most cases, she let them both manipulate her because at the end of the day it worked in her favor and got her what she wanted. Which was to correct her wrongs. Unless that, too, was a manipulation? Was she fixing anything? Or was he trying to fix and mold her? Maybe that's why he was letting it happen? Nothing Kai did was without a contingency.
"I don't know how to be selfish," Bonnie said, her voice soft and unsure of what else to say. He had hurt her. Not because of what he said, but because of how much was fact and what he had seen through her. "I wouldn't even know where to start. I don't think I would enjoy it much. I love knowing that my friends are safe. I love being able to help them when I can. Even if it feels like they don't always appreciate it. I know they do. I know that deep down they understand every one of my sacrifices."
He clucked his tongue and shook his head, pacing slowly before her, his eyes lowered to the ground in deep thought.
Then he gave her a look of pity on the verge of contempt. "I get it. Your life is a sacrifice. Only then it has meaning to you. Only then you feel you've purpose." He nodded pensively, letting it sink in. Then he flashed an unexpected grin, "All right. What if I told you there is a sacrifice that could save your friends and possibly your life without any epic battles, spells and gore? Would you agree to it?"
Bonnie wondered if Kai was trying to play a joke on her. A cruel joke. He knew if she could avoid putting herself or them at risk that she'd take the opportunity with both hands. "One hundred percent. What would I have to do?"
His smile turned a bit sharky. "Renounce your magic and your family ties. Give it up, cut yourself off the Bennett line once and for all. Walk away a mere human with no ancestry, no bloodline ties and no powers to change the world, and they might accept your humiliation. So, how's that sound?" Her Miss Cuddles appeared out of thin air in his hand, and he shook it a little in emphasis, grinning. "Will you renounce everything you have to save your friends?"
Bonnie snatched Miss Cuddles from his grip, grateful that she could move again and that he wasn't keeping her prisoner. She recalled the last time she'd infused the teddy bear with her magic. At that moment, she had believed she was making the right choice. However, she hadn't, and it didn't turn out as she had hoped. If she did it again, what would stop the heretics from harming her friends anyway? From harming her? They would fare better if she grew stronger and constructively wielded her magic. She squeezed the bear and handed it back, waving off the offer.
"I don't think that's the way forward," Bonnie said.
She didn't like being without her magic. Each time it happened, it felt as though she was relinquishing a part of herself, as if there were a void within her that couldn't and wouldn't be filled. She didn't want to endure that again if she could avoid it.
Kai frowned pensively, eyeing the bear for a second, then letting it disappear like a practiced magician on stage at a carnival. "I'm afraid there is no other way for you," he said, a shadow of regret passing through his features. "You're not strong enough. You're scared of your own power. You're unbalanced and resort to extremes, either too weak or some outburst that lands you nowhere. As you are now, you're gonna lose. And frankly, your friends have better chances of survival if they can't be used against you. If there's no you."
"Then help me be better," Bonnie said, wondering why he had changed tactics after trying to push her so hard. Was she that useless? She knew she wasn't. She recognized her capabilities – only she didn't know what to do. It wasn't that he didn't make a fair point. Her friends might be good if she relinquished her powers, but experience suggested otherwise. She couldn't trust it. The issue was she couldn't trust herself. What if she was being selfish by wanting to keep her magic this time? What if it would be beneficial if she handed it over? Miss Cuddles was gone now, but she could still come up with something. The idea filled her with dread. She didn't want to do that if she didn't have to. She scrubbed her hands against her face and peered up at the sky. She was beginning to burn and the blood was still caked under her nose. And what had she learned? Nothing. Just that she was weak. The worst Bennett in a line of remarkable witches. She wished her grandmother was around so that she could talk to her. She would know what to do or at least advise the right thing.
Kai watched her with calm, nearly apologetic gaze. "What do you mean by better? Snap my fingers and make you capable of holding your own against six old, experienced and scorn witches that wish to make you suffer in the worst possible ways? If you think you're gonna throw your best at them and then just die if you fail, you got another thing coming. They won't let you die. Dying's easy. It's the cheapest punishment. They'll go for much more for all the decades they had spent suffering."
"I wasn't the cause of their decades of suffering," Bonnie defended. "They did it to themselves. Perhaps they should have considered being less psycho." She didn't care for their reasoning or any excuse they came up with to mess with her. "But besides all that, you said I needed to control my fear, to channel my anger. Have you just never taught anyone before? Are you really giving up?"
A meek pitiful smile creased his mouth. "What can I possibly teach you? To find your essence? To discover yourself, your very core, your soul which is the source of your magic? Teach you to communicate with it? To find value in yourself and all sides of your power, good and bad? It's…" He scoffed a laugh with not a grain of amusement in it. "It's a task of biblical proportions. You should've been learning it all your life since you discovered your nature. Your grandmother, you mother should've helped you with it. But instead they both left you sad and abandoned and confused. You're confused about everything. You're afraid of yourself. You don't know where to dig, and no one can teach you that." Kai drew a deep breath, and pinched his lips in mute I'm sorry, it's not gonna work.
"You're wrong," Bonnie murmured. "My grandmother never abandoned me. She died. She didn't have a chance to—" Her speech cut off as she swallowed, overwhelmed by what he was saying. She could still see the version of Sheila that said she was a disappointment. Did her grandmother really believe that? Was she still looking down on her with sustain? The idea made her insides churn. She sucked in a breath a breath, her anxiety beginning to spike. "If I'm that hopeless, why did you bring me out here? Why did you save me? You should have left me to die!"
He sighed, looking up at the clean sky and the sun blazing down at them.
"You know how they say the most vicious fighter is the one who got nothing to lose?" He chuckled softly, looking back to her. "It's not really true. Back in that barn after the wedding, I had nothing left to lose. But there was absolutely nothing left to fight for either. Everything I did up till that moment at the cemetery was to get you to kill me." He stepped closer to her, a small tender smile touched his lips. He took her face in his hands, gently wiped the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs. "But you somehow decided I was worth your help. Too late and too unlikely, yes, but you still tried. That road trip you started… You let me have a little life I've never had. You pulled me back from hell much like back in the prison world when I first saw you. And I wanted to do it for you — help you find a bit of happiness before that hell descended."
When she first began to help him, she thought he might be playing with her, but the more time they spent together, the more she forgot about those suspicions. He would perform her death rites like for a death row inmate, something she had never thought of or imagined. Unable to stop, she continued to cry. Unsure of what to do with herself, she turned her back on him, unable to look at him, and wanting nothing more than to leave. "And what, now it ends? Now I accept the next stage and the fact that there is nothing I can do? Is that what you're trying to make me believe? That there's nothing for any of us?"
"See, I wasn't lying when I said your friends have no value without you in the picture. But with you, they will suffer to cause you pain." Kai raised a hand, gripping Bonnie with magic once again, and turned her around to face him. He was watching her with a sympathetic mien. "The Heretics wouldn't just let you die. They will strip you of every good feeling, every sliver of hope, they'll pick apart everything and everyone you love in front of you, they'll hollow you out and put you in hell."
He approached her, his eyes locked on hers with genuine empathy. "I know what it feels like what they wanna do to you. I've been there. You don't deserve it. You're right, you didn't do it to them, you're just caught in the middle, same as you were in my prison world. Even after everything you've done to me, you still saved me."
He sucked in a breath, placed his hands on her shoulders. His fingers clamped on her, siphoning.
"I'll spare you their torture because you're important to me. I'll kill you myself."