Estimated Reading Time: 20 Minutes

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Boys Chillin

The air grew thick with tension as Toon Link met Ness's gaze, his eyes filled with guilt. He shifted uncomfortably, as if trying to find the right words to explain himself, but the silence between them only deepened the weight of his unspoken thoughts.

Ness: "No…"

Lucas: "C'mon, Toon, you can't agree with them."

Toon: "But I am hungry…"

Ness: "Please. Look how terrified Pit is right now. What if you were in his shoes? Pit would stand up for you."

Pit: "It's true! I would."

Gordon: "Shut up!"

Toon: "Um…"

Sonic: "Think of the buffalooo."

Popo: "Tasty chicken wings~"

Lucas: "C'mon, Toon. Be on our side. You know it's the right thing to do."

Toon: "Y—you're right. I refuse to eat Pit."

Lucas: *Gasps* "Toon~"

Ness: "Oh my god, thank you."

Pit: "I love you~"

Sonic: *Growls* "Goddammit, Toon!"

Toon: "It's wrong! Pit is our friend."

Popo: "You're gonna have to get through us! It's still four against three."

Lucas: "C'mon, can't we talk about this?"

Sonic: "Nah, I'm too hungry to talk."

Ness: "Fine, then I guess we'll fight."

Lucas: "N-no! I don't wanna fight."

Ness: "Lucas, we have no choice. It's either fight, or they eat Pit."

Pit: "Can I at least fight with them?"

Sonic and Popo: "NO!"

Pit: "Yeesh."

The group stood frozen in a tense staredown. Sonic smirked, easily reading the hesitation in Lucas and Toon Link's eyes. This is gonna be easy, he thought before lunging forward.

Ness met him head-on, and chaos erupted—punches, kicks, biting, and scratching as they tore into each other. Lucas and Toon Link hesitated, unsure whether to step in.

Then, things got worse. Little Mac, Popo, and Gordon jumped in, overwhelming Ness with sheer numbers. Yet, despite the odds, he held his ground, dodging and countering with sheer grit.

Lucas and Toon Link, eyes wide, finally rushed to help—they swung a punch. At that moment, Ness dodged one of Little Mac's swings, shifting to the side—right into his team's fists. Their punches landed clean, and Ness collapsed to the ground, unconscious. The two both gasped and covered their mouth with their hands.

A beat of silence. Then, as if on cue, the others turned on them. Before they could react, fists flew, knocking them down until darkness swallowed them whole.

Lucas was the first to stir. His vision was blurry at first, but as his eyes adjusted, a sinking dread settled in his chest. Pit sat tied up on the sand, squirming against the ropes. Nearby, the others were gathering sticks, assembling what unmistakably looked like a spit roast.

Lucas's breath hitched, his eyes widening in horror as panic surged through him. He tried to move, but it was no use—he was tied firmly to a tree. His gaze shifted to the left, where Toon Link was slumped against the trunk, equally bound. To his right, Ness was in the same state, unconscious and helpless. They were all tied up, and the reality of their situation hit him like a cold wave.

"Ness, get up!" Lucas hissed, his voice urgent but hushed, careful not to draw the others' attention.

"Hhgn..." Ness groaned, his voice low and groggy as he stirred slightly, but his eyes remained shut.

Lucas: "Toon!"

Toon: *Snores*

Lucas: "C'mon guys. Please, get up! Ness! Ness! Wake up!"

Ness: "Hgnn… w-what? What?"

Lucas: "Oh my god, Ness! Are you awake?"

Ness: "No…"

Lucas: "We're tied up! I-I can't move."

Ness: "Huh?"

Lucas: "Wake up!"

Ness: "Wait… huh?"

Ness fought against the weight of his eyelids, struggling to stay awake. His body felt sluggish, but after a moment of effort, he managed to lift them. The moment his eyes focused, a rush of fear flooded his chest. The situation they were in was grim, and the reality of it hit him all at once.

Ness: "W-what! Oh my god! T-they're—

Lucas: "Shhh! Keep your voice down."

Ness: "Sorry."

Lucas: "It's okay. I just don't want them to notice we're awake yet."

Ness: "Are they making a spit roast?"

Lucas: "Looks like it."

Ness: "Holy shit! W-what're we going to do?"

Lucas: "We can't do anything. Even if one of us does escape, then what? We're still gonna be outnumbered. And they tied these ropes pretty tight. I can feel myself turning purple."

Ness: "This is a nightmare. This isn't real."

Lucas: "I'm sorry, Ness…"

Ness: "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!"

Lucas: "I… *sobs* I don't wanna watch them eat Pit."

Ness: "He won't get eaten."

Lucas: "Wake up! We can't save him! We can't *sobs* even save ourselves…"

Ness: "F-f-fuck…"

Toon: "Err…"

Ness: "Toon?"

Lucas: "Toon Link?"

Toon: "W-where am I?"

Lucas: "Tied up."

Toon: "What!"

Toon Link groggily blinked awake, his body aching all over. As his vision cleared, the sinking realization hit—he was tied to a tree. So were Ness and Lucas, both looking just as battered. A dull throbbing in his face told him he had a black eye.

With what little strength he had left, he struggled against the ropes, twisting and pulling, but it was no use. They were trapped.

Lucas: "Give it up. We can't escape."

Ness: "There has to be something."

Lucas: "Like what?"

Ness: "I don't know."

Toon: "Fuck… I should've joined their side. Now they're gonna eat us too."

Lucas: "The fact that you hesitated being on our side means you're a psycho!"

Toon: "Fuck you! Because I tried playin' hero with you, I'm gonna get eaten. This is all your fuckin' fault!"

Lucas: "I can't believe you…"

Toon: "It's survival. What'd you expect?"

Ness: "Guys, stop fighting. I need to think."

Toon: "Good luck, Flaker."

Ness: "Excuse me?"

Meanwhile with Sonic and the gang…

Fatigue weighed heavily on everyone. None of them had ever built a spit roast before, and in their exhausted, hazy state, even the simplest tasks felt impossible. Frustration grew as their attempts led to nothing but a messy pile of sticks.

Eventually, they gave in, sighing in defeat as they dropped onto the sand, too drained to continue.

Gordon: "Shut the fuck up, Kawasaki! I know…"

Little Mac: "Who's he talkin' to?"

Popo: "His imaginary friend. At this point, I don't blame him."

Pit: "Guys, c'mon, don't do this!"

Gordon: "I KNOW IT'S WRONG BUT WHAT OTHER CHOICE DO I HAVE?!"

Hearing Gordon scream at the top of his lungs sent an uneasy shiver down Sonic's spine. The sheer desperation in his voice reminded him too much of when the chef had screamed back in the cave, back when they were all captives themselves.

Guilt tightened in Sonic's chest. His smirk was gone, replaced with something unreadable as he turned on his heel and strode toward the prisoners—Ness, Toon Link, and Lucas.

The three prisoners locked eyes with the hedgehog, tension thick in the air. Ness immediately noticed something off—Sonic wasn't smirking. His usual arrogance was gone, replaced by unease.

That realization sparked an idea. Maybe he could use this. Maybe he could talk Sonic into letting them go. Taking a steady breath, Ness decided to take his chance.

Ness: "Sonic?"

Lucas: "What're you doing here?"

Sonic: "I uh… I'm checkin' up on y'all."

Toon: "Why? You gonna eat us too?"

Sonic: "We're not gonna feed ya that's for sure."

Lucas: "Sonic… this isn't you."

Sonic: "..."

Ness: "Sonic, listen to me—

Sonic: "Sorry, Cheddar Biscuit, you're not gonna talk me outta this one. It's survival. You can't blame me."

Ness: "Just hear me out."

Ness's tone was serious yet calm, a stark contrast to his usual pretentious, sharp-edged attitude. For once, he wasn't trying to prove anything—he simply spoke with the quiet confidence of a true leader.

That's when it hit Sonic. This whole situation wasn't as black and white as he had made it out to be.

Sonic: "No I'm not gonna—

Ness: "You're better than this. You're a hero, Sonic. You can't be evil like Mario."

Sonic: "I'm nothin' like that psycho!"

Ness: "Look at us."

Sonic: "!"

Ness: "Look where you're standing."

Sonic: "N-no… I…"

Ness: "You're holding us hostage because we're trying to do the right thing. That's what Mario did. This isn't you. You know eating Pit won't help. If we eat each other there'll be nothing left."

Sonic: "What else are we supposed to do?!"

Ness: "We can work together and fix this."

Sonic: "How?!"

Ness: "We can build a raft."

Sonic: "We're in the Smashuda Triangle! You said it yourself. The place where people disappear forever."

Ness: "I believe we can make it out if you just trust me."

Sonic: "You're unbelievable."

Ness: "We went through worse."

Sonic: "We had our powers!"

Ness: "Not in the cave we didn't."

Sonic: "But that took eight months!"

Ness: "Then so be it. If that's what it'll take to survive."

Sonic: "But—

Ness: "I can do this. No. We can do this."

Sonic: "I..."

Ness: "Come on, Sonic, please. I'm your best friend."

Sonic: "!"

Hearing Ness say those words hit harder than Sonic wanted to admit.

He thinks of me as his best friend? Even though I bully him all the time?

Flashes of memories played in his mind—joking around, laughing together, all the stupid situations they'd gotten into. Hell, they were even stuck in Lucas's closet together once. They had been through a lot.

And honestly… a part of him was glad he'd been trapped in that cave with Ness of all people. They just clicked. Something about them worked, even if it wasn't always smooth.

Grooowllll

However, the hunger pains screamed at him to push his feelings aside. Though he was internally panicking. His instincts were to brush it off, to keep up the act—but deep down, he knew Ness was correct. There was no denying it.

With a heavy sigh, his smirk slowly crept back onto his face. "I hate it when you're right."

Ness's face lit up. "Why, of course! I'm the smartest one, after all," he quipped, mirroring Sonic's smirk with one of his own.

The hedgehog quickly untied each of them, and without hesitation, they all bolted toward the rest of the group.

Gordon, Little Mac, Pit, and Popo froze, their eyes widening in shock as they took in the sight of the once-captive trio now free.

Gordon: "W-what the fuck!"

Little Mac: "Why are they here?"

Popo: "Sonic, what did you do?"

Pit: "Are they gonna eat me too?"

Sonic: "No one's eatin' anybody."

Popo: "Fuck you! Yes I fuckin' am!"

Ness: "Eating Pit isn't going to solve anything. We're all going to eat each other and then what?"

Little Mac: "He's got a point."

Popo: "Are you serious?! I can't eat fruit for the rest of my life!"

Lucas: "But eating Pit is gonna make you feel worse."

Popo: "No it fuckin' won't!"

Toon: "Popo… Pit is our friend."

Popo: "And what a good friend he is sacrificing himself."

Toon: "Would you want me to be sacrificed?"

Popo: "C'mon, Toon, don't go there."

Toon: "I am goin' there! Would you want me to go away foreva?"

Popo: "N-no! Of course not."

Toon: "Then why is Pit any different?"

Popo: "Well because you're my best friend."

Toon: "And Pit isn't?"

Popo: "He is but..."

Toon: "Remember all the good times. Every Thursday. All the laughter we shared."

Popo: "S-stop…"

Toon: "Popo, please don't do this. If you do, I'll never forgive you."

Popo dropped to his knees, his shoulders shaking as he burst into uncontrollable sobs.

Toon Link stepped forward, kneeling beside him and giving him a reassuring pat on the back. "Don't worry," he said softly. "We'll get through this."

"How?" Popo choked out, his voice barely above a whisper as he lifted his head slightly, eyes filled with desperation.

Ness: "We can build a raft."

Gordon: "And take that out into sea? Are you crazy?"

Ness: "I degloved my hand once, of course I'm crazy."

Gordon: "D-don't remind me."

Ness: "We might as well try."

Lucas: "Yeah! And we've been through worse in our games. We can do this!"

Gordon: "I didn't!"

Little Mac: "Wait, so we're not eatin' Pit?"

Ness: "No, Little Mac."

Pit: "Oh thank Palutena~!"

Days Later…

The group worked tirelessly, gathering resources and repurposing materials from Ness's rucksack. They toiled through the day and into the night, determined to make their escape.

Gordon was fishing, Toon Link, Pit, and Sonic collected resources, Popo kept the fire alive, and Little Mac collected fruits and berries. Lucas and Ness were working on building the raft itself.

After hours and days of effort, their hard work paid off—a sturdy raft was finally complete.

Little Mac: "We did it!"

Ness rested his arm on Lucas's shoulder and flashed him a wink. "It's like playing one of your crafting games, huh?" he teased, his grin widening as he gave Lucas a playful nudge.

The blonde blushed, his face turning red as he quickly looked away. "Y-yeah," he muttered, his voice soft as he tried to hide his embarrassment.

Sonic: "Ha! Gay~"

Ness: "Knock it off."

Popo: "Are we leavin' now?"

Ness: "It's dark out. It's best to leave early in the morning."

The group laid down on the sand staring at the night sky.

Little Mac: "I miss Kirby…"

Toon: "Do ya think ya missed the weddin'?"

Little Mac: "Oh god… Nooooo!"

Pit: "There, there, I think she'll understand."

Little Mac: "What if she hates me foreva?"

Sonic: "Nah, she's understandin'."

Little Mac: *Sniffs* "Ya think so?"

Ness: "I'm sure if you explain the situation to her, she'll forgive you."

Little Mac: "What if we never make it back?"

Ness: "Well will."

Little Mac: "But what if—

Ness: "I've done the impossible before. I'm confident we'll make it back home."

Gordon: "It's true, I saw him do crazy shit."

Little Mac: "You said somethin' about deglovin'? What's that anyway?"

Ness: "Uh…"

Sonic: *Clears throat* "Ya know, Ness, as much as I hate to admit it, but you're not as bad a leader as I thought."

Ness: "I don't know if I should be happy or offended."

Sonic: "Both."

Ness: "Fuck you…"

Sonic: "Hahaha! No thanks~ Ask Lucas instead."

Everyone except Ness and Lucas started laughing.

Gordon: "Hey, uh, just in case we don't make it, I need to confess something."

Pit: "What's that?"

Gordon: "I uh—so when I got back to the real world, I kinda lost it."

Pit: "Lost it? What did you lose?"

Ness: "He means he lost his mind."

Pit: "Where did his mind go?"

Gordon: "I fucked a jalapeno pepper."

The group fell silent, each of them trying to process what they had just heard.

Little Mac: "What?"

Pit: "What does that have to do with the mind?"

Sonic: "Pit, shut up."

Pit: "Rude."

Gordon: "I dunno. I just… lost my mind. That's part of the reason why I came here again. The real world felt boring comparatively. I needed to see you guys again."

Sonic: "Aww, that's sweet~"

Ness: "Okaay, but why did you fuck a jalapeno pepper?"

Gordon: "I dunno."

Toon: "Wow, I… wow."

Popo: "Even I wouldn't do that shit, and I'm constantly cross-faded."

Little Mac: "I... *snickers* that's... crazy."

Gordon: "I had to get it out of my chest, okay!"

Toon: "I wished you kept it in."

Hearing the negative responses from the group made Lucas feel a heavy guilt settle in his chest. He had done something to Ness that he had considered confessing, but seeing Ness's reaction now—how tense and uncertain everyone felt—made him hesitate. The unease in the air only deepened the knot in his stomach, and for a moment, he felt unsafe, unsure of how Ness would take the truth.

"Lucas, are you okay?" Ness asked, his voice soft as he placed a hand on the blonde's shoulder.

Lucas flinched at the sudden touch, his eyes wide with surprise. He quickly looked at Ness, trying to hide the turmoil brewing inside. "Y-yeah, sorry. I was just thinking," he replied, his voice shaking slightly as he forced a smile.

Ness: "Are you sure?"

Little Mac: "Whateva you're thinkin' can't be worse than what this weirdo did."

Gordon: "Fuck you."

Popo: "Yeaaaah, that's fuckin' crazy."

Lucas: "It's nothing. Just thinkin' about how we'll escape, haha…"

Sonic: "Don't worry, we got this~"

Lucas: "Right…"

The group woke to the sound of the morning breeze, stretching and gathering their things. They packed up all their supplies and loaded them onto the raft, ready to set sail. But just as they were about to board and push off, Sonic suddenly stopped.

He stood still for a moment, his gaze distant, as if something was holding him back.

Popo: "Dude, c'mon, let's go."

Sonic: "I can't."

Gordon: "Why?"

Ness: "He has thalassophobia."

Little Mac: "Wha?"

Lucas: "Fear of the ocean."

Gordon: "Are you fuckin' kiddin' me?! Get on the raft!"

Sonic: "I fucking can't!"

Gordon: "This is horse shit!"

Ness: "Yelling at him won't get him on the raft."

Lucas and Ness walked over to Sonic.

Ness: "We'll be okay."

Sonic: "B-but what if we drown? What if a huge tidal wave destroys our raft? I can't swim!"

Ness: "That's a possibility, but we'll have each other."

Sonic: "What if we get separated and I drown?!"

Lucas: "We could create some kind of tether so we can't get separated."

Ness: "Good idea, Lucas~"

Sonic: "How are we gonna make tether?"

Lucas: "The vines in the forest."

Sonic: "Will that be strong enough?"

Lucas: "I think so."

Ness: "It's worth a try. Better trying than dying out here, right?"

Sonic: "Right…"

The group, except for Ness who insisted on keeping watch over the raft, ventured into the forest, searching for a vine long enough to help with their escape. They scoured the area for what felt like hours, finally finding the perfect one.

When they returned to the beach, their jaws dropped in unison. Right in front of them, anchored ominously in the water, was K. Rool's ship. The sight was unexpected, and it left them frozen in place, unsure of what to do next.

Ness: "GUYS, WE'RE SAVED!"

Sonic: "O-oh my god! YES!"

The group stood there for a moment, completely stunned. Then, their eyes widened, and tears of joy began to stream down their faces as they saw K. Rool hop out of the ship, grinning wide.

"I found y'us!" he boomed, his voice loud and cheerful as he waved toward them. The unexpected sight of their ally brought a wave of relief, their previous fears momentarily forgotten.

They all rushed to give K. Rool a hug, and for the first time in a long while, he felt genuinely happy. People were actually glad to see him. It made him pause and reflect—ever since Smash, he really had changed, hadn't he?

K. Rool: "Alright, let's go find some treasure!"

Gordon: "NO!"

Sonic: "Yeah, hell no!"

K. Rool: "B-but—

Ness: "No! We're going home."

Little Mac: "I need to hurry back to my Kirby!"

Lucas: "Please take us back."

Pit: "They tried to eat me!"

K. Rool: "What the fuck?"

Popo: "Take me back hooome."

Toon: "We've been stranded here for what felt like years."

K. Rool: "Arrg…"

Gordon: "Never again, am I coming back to Smash. Fuck all of you."

I once read a fanfiction of Gordon Ramsay fucking a jalapeno pepper. It was a joke, but I can't see the dude the same anymore.