Disclaimer:

Mrs J.K., This Old Guy is attempting another SI (Self-Insert). As usual, I'll be using your story as background. Also, for free, as usual.

AN: A message to all artists who want to sell their art to me. Sorry, but I can't miss any money to buy your art. I have a small pension and quite like my Smiley. I made it myself! So don't waste your time on me; this Old Guy is broke. The wife spends all the money.

Previous:

Nothing yet.

1 Waking up is a bitch!

When I opened my eyes, my brain got overloaded with memories of a boy. It took some time before I realized these were the memories of a boy named Harry Potter, from his earliest memory until I fell off my broom, surrounded by Dementors.

Wait a fucking moment! Dementors? Fell off my broom? I am a thirteen year old gloomy kid that has a shitty life up till today? I don't have a clue about this world. Am I supposed to be a Wizard? I am toast. On top of this, I have the ancestor of headaches; it is pounding in my head like a wrecking ball... With a naked girl on top?…? Miley?

Where did that come from? Oh fuck, now another set of memories are slamming into my head, this time they are from an Old Guy! I passed out when it became too much to bear.

When I woke up again, I realized I had two sets of memories: one of a thirteen-year-old boy and one of a retired Old Guy. Now, I hope I am that thirteen-year-old kid because that old man was on his deathbed. I have only moments if I am the old guy… I only have a few years if I am Harry!

Wait? Why do I know what will happen to the boy past thirteen? … … A fucking story? I groaned and put my hands on my face. Miley is still wrecking my head with her ball… No sign of hair on my chin, nothing under my nose… I must be the boy.

The background noise became clear; a bunch of kids were yapping around my bed, adding another layer to my headache. I snapped at them, "Will you keep it down, please? I have a splitting headache. What the bloody fuck happened out there? Why did I get mobbed by a swarm of Dementors?"

"Harry! Language!" It was Hermione's voice.

"I don't give a shit about my language, Hermione! Those bloody Dementors almost sucked my soul out of my body, I fell of my broom from ten stories high! I have the right to swear!"

An older voice commented, "This is still a school, Mr. Potter. Watch your language."

I grumbled, "This is a school? It feels more like Azkaban to me. Why did those fucking Dementors attacked me?"

"I said watch your language, Mr. Potter!" came the old voice, Pompfrey's voice. "The Ministry put these Dementors around the school despite our protests. Drink this. It is for your headache."

I sniffed the potion, bad idea! That smells nasty! "You need to drink it, Mr. Potter, not smell at it."

I gulped it down in one go and almost gagged. You would, too, when you know the ingredients that went into that potion. I complained, "Great, a brew of toad spleen, marmot liver, and some more disgusting things, tasting like last week's dishwater and smelling like roadkill from last month. Yummy. Wait… this is a sleeping po…"

Xxxxx

I woke up in the middle of the night. My headache is gone, thank God… no, it is thank Merlin now. Lying on my back, I sifted through my memories. For now, I assume I am Harry Potter who got an extra set of memories of an Old Guy. I'll ignore that I know what will happen this year, and the next, and the next. Let's compare what happened from my memory to what was written in the books.

Ron's rat, Sirius, the World Cup, the Tournament, the pink toad, Dumbledore… I am fucked. Hmm, let me try something. "System? Show Stats? Gacha? Show Inventory! Starters Package? Please?"

Crap, nothing at all. Let's go over my options. Kicking up a storm is useless until I know the intentions of the players. Most of all, the intention of Dumbledore. Evil or Good? Calculating or negligent? I know from the books that he knew I had a hard life with the Dursleys, but how much did he know?

According to Old Guy's memories, Dumbledore knew plenty. He wrote Fan Fiction about me… Damn! That is one horny bastard! Hey! I am twelve in that story! Ah, they got aged to fifteen. I can live with that. Bloody Greengrass? Why her? Last I heard, she froze a seventh year's bits off! A few days after the event, that chap quit school. Besides, rumors says she prefers pussy instead of boners.

Luna who? Ah, that blond Ravenclaw in the second year. Susan Bones… I can use her Aunt… Shagging Hermione? No offense, but she is a nag. She would make night time schedules… See? She does it even in those stories!

Hmm… The Weasleys… Potions? Loyalty and Amortentia? Marriage contract? WTF? Let's see the reasoning. Ah, they are in Dumbledore's pocket to pay for Hogwarts tuition. That is possible.

What happened this year... blow up aunt bitch, done. Meet the Grim, the Knight bus, Fudge, and roam the Alley. Done, done, and done. Almost got kissed on the train, Trelawney, Bogart, Fat Ladies painting, and Quidditch match against the Puffs, falling from my broom and ending up here. All Done! The Whomping Willow pulverizes my Nimbus. A shame, really; it was a good broom.

What is going to happen now? Marauders Map… I have to have that! Then… A FIREBOLT? MINE! Like hell will I allow Flitwick and McGonagall get their paws on it!

Event after event played through my mind; I discovered a lot of irregularities. A lot of stories go over the Godfather Oath, yet Fudge, Hagrid, Flitwick, and McGonagall were talking about it with Rosmerta. Maybe the Oath is optional. I wonder if Pomfrey took a Healer's Oath.

First things first, I am taking Runes and dropping Divinations like yesterday's diapers. Maybe I can do Arithmancy, too. I have to check the course books first to see if it can be done. I also have to test whether my flying skills are still the same. The rest is for later.

Xxxxx

A foul potion in the morning gave my breakfast a bad aftertaste. A bit later, Ron and Hermione walked in. It was Saturday and a Hogsmeade Weekend, so they came to say goodbye, lucky bastards.

I asked Hermione, "Hermione, I'll be stuck here today. Can I borrow your Runes and Arithmancy books? I am thinking of dropping Divination and changing to one of those, maybe both."

Ron protested, "NOOO! You can't leave me behind! I told you it was an easy O on our Owls and Newt!"

I shrugged. "I can't use Divination, Ron. Runes, however, are used in everything. Wards, permanent enchanting is done by engraving Runes. What can I do with Divination? Predict my own death? Or make up some bogus prophecies? Nah, I'll take Runes."

Hermione was glowing with excitement. "I'll get them right away, Harry! I'll be right back!"

Ron grumbled. "We could have so much fun in class. Thanks a lot for abandoning me, mate."

That got me pissed off, "Who is abandoning who, mate? I want to learn something useful. What are you going to do after school? Hire a booth in Knockturn Alley and predict the future of some hags? You could bend forwards and sell your third eye to some blokes to make money, or are you going to stay with Mommy?"

"I'm going to work in the Ministry with my dad!" Ron bit back. " Sons of Department Heads are always hired when they graduate."

I shrugged. "My dad is dead, Ron. I doubt I will be hired. And if I did, as a halfblood, I would be no more than a low-level clerk. So, no thanks. I'll take my chances with Runes. We see each other plenty enough; one class without me won't kill you… Maybe it does! Trelawney will pick you to die next! The Boy Who Lives Sidekick!"

I laughed at his horrified look, "A tragic fate awaits you, a Heroic death! Practice your last dying words, Ron. They will be quoted for eternity!"

Ron sat down on the bed next to mine. "You know what? Maybe you are a Seer. That is exactly what she will do. I'll have to hide behind Neville."

Ten minutes later, a panting Hermione rushed in with her books and a stack of notes: "I brought everything about Runes and Arithmancy along. That way, you will have a better idea of what the course entails. But Harry, are you sure you can handle it? You are not exactly studious."

I shrugged, "I have been tuning my efforts down, Hermione. A bad habit I brought along from Elementary School. Uncle Vernon beat me up if I did better than Dudley. And, girl, Dudley is mighty stupid. I bet Neanderthals are smarter than he is. No, even chimpanzees outsmart him."

Hermione gasped, "Your Uncle beat you for doing better than Dudley? That is child abuse!"

"Nobody cares, Hermione. I told my teachers about it a few times; they shut up about it or got replaced after a few days. By the way, you should leave if you want to catch the carriage to Hogsmeade."

Ron dragged Hermione out and said, "We will bring something back for you."

Xxxxx

Basic Arithmancy looks a lot like Math. I can easily catch up with that. Runes… it is memorizing the different alphabets the first months. I'll have to order the books, and I'm good to go. It gave me something to do. Pomfrey told me to stay one more night.

Every now and then, I get a visitor. Now, my teammates are visiting this poor bloke. Angelina Jones, a smoking hot black beauty, Alicia Spinet, a pretty brunette, and Katie Bell, with black hair and sparkling eyes, are all in the top twenty of Hogwarts beauties. I did not notice it last year, but now, my gaze explored the present company and liked what it saw.

Angelina shook her shoulders, which got everything moving. "Do you approve of what you look at, Harry? It has been ages since you have looked into our eyes."

I nodded, while my eyes were glued to those wiggling boobs. "I like them very much, Angelina. If I must say, all of you have nice pairs. Thanks for the meal."

Alicia slapped the back of my head, "Hey! It is too soon to turn into a perv! I liked the small, innocent Harry! Bring him back!"

I shook my head. "Nope, that ship has sailed. I will admire beauty from now on. I can't help it; it is nature's call. Admit it; the three of you are top-grade knockouts. It made me wish I was a few years older."

Katie stage whispered, "Falling from his broom damaged his brain. We should inform Poppy."

I looked Katie in the eyes, "No, Katie, it shook me awake. From now on, I will appreciate the good things in life... and the pretty things."

Wood disturbed us. I will remember this, you bastard! I had the girls eating out of my hand! Then, the bastard ruined my mood.

He started nagging, "When are you getting out of here, Harry? You are missing crucial training days! Have you ordered a broom yet?"

I frowned. First, he barged into my quality time; now, he is rushing me? "It will take a while, Oliver. Nurse Pomfrey fears permanent damage to my tail bone. There is also a stiff problem close to it. She said massaging it a few times a week will soften it up. I was trying to get the girls to help me out, but you ruined it. Now I have to deal with it myself."

Oliver looked at my body, searching for the 'problem'. "Where is that stiff problem? I'll massage it!"

WTF? Angelina, Alicia, and Katie lost it and laughed out loud. They figured out that I wanted to embarrass them, and it backfired… Big! Each time they looked at my face, it started all over.

Hiccuping, Angelina finally managed to say, "I'll pay to see that, Harry. Take one for the team! Oh, I can't wait to tell Fred and George."

Oliver frowned, not understanding what was so funny. "This is serious, Angelina! If that Stiff Problem hinders his performance, that will ruin our chances for the Cup."

Katie almost peed her knickers: "Haaahahah! Please stop! I can't take it anymore; this is too funny. Come, Olly. We will explain it along the way. Have fun with your problem, Harry!"

A bit later, an unholy scream was heard through the hallways. I shook my head. I did not know Olly was that dense. I better focus on my Runes to keep my head away from my problem.

Xxxxx

Hermione and Ron returned after dinner. Hermione discussed the Runes with me; she was surprised I already memorized Older Futhark and Futhorc. "One more day of study, and you can join our class, Harry! See, Ron? It is easy. You can change too if you want."

Ron shook his head. "No, Hermione. Mum won't allow me to change course. She told me that in August when we bought our books. Stick with what you signed up for she said."

That, and Rune books are expensive. He can't even use Bill's books. The Rune Professor is Babbling, a young, pretty professor who started teaching two years ago. She uses a different set of books than Bill's Professor. It sucks, but the view improved. Ron and I played a game of chess. I could hold myself a bit longer this time. The Old Guy could play it a bit. Combined, we improved our game and made Mr. Chess work for his victory.

"Hermione? Can you owl order those course books for me? There is some money in my trunk. It should be enough for both. You can order a few extra books that you think can help us in our study."

Ron shuddered, "You fell on your head alright, mate. It must be! Or you are bewitched by Hermione! Cancel that spell, Hermione! Turn him back to normal!"

Hermione rolled her eyes, while I chuckled, "Impossible, Ron! I can't escape once she has her hooks in me; it is a lost cause."

Xxxxx

A half hour before curfew, the Griffindor Chasers came back. Katie giggled, "You traumatized Olly, Harry. I doubt you will see him again this weekend."

"Then there is some good coming out of it," I grumbled. That man is obsessed with Quidditch."

Suddenly, I felt a hand under my bed sheet, touching my boxers and working its way in. Alarmed, I looked to my left. Angelina smiled softly and said, "We came to help you with your Stiff Problem, Harry. Mind you, this is a one-time deal, so keep your hands where you won't lose them."

From the right side of the bed, another hand slipped into my boxers. Katie whispered, "I don't mind the hands, Harry. Relax; Alicia is on the lookout. Lift your bum so we can remove the boxers."

Angeline shook her head. "Help me remove the bed sheet first, Kate. I want to see what we are doing, and we avoid stains that way."

A few seconds later, my boxer was down on my knees, and the bed sheet was at my feet. Dude was rock hard by now. Angelina complimented me, "A good size, Harry. I am impressed, your pubic hair is growing fine too."

I groaned. "It won't take long for me to blow, Angie. Two gorgeous girls giving me a hand job; this must be heaven."

I noticed that Katie had her backside turned to me, well within reach of my hand. A bit daring, I stroked her bum. She did not move away; no, she came a bit closer. Therefore, I slipped my hand under her skirt and stroked her panty. In my mind I was picturing Snape buggering Dumbledore to keep myself from erupting.

Katie seems to enjoy my wandering hand, I took a risk, and let my hand slip inside her panty to explore her pussy. I wasn't the only one moaning, my fingers played with her clit while my thumb made its way inside.

"Oh, Morgana! Keep going, Harry!" panted Katie. "Angie! He knows what to do with his fingers. Take over! I am losing control!"

Two black hands are spoiling my Dude while Katie is having a good time from my hand job. It had to end, though; in my mind, Dumbledore could not take it anymore, so I changed the view to Katie. Out of control, I shot my load, of course. Giggling, Angie cleaned it with her wand.

Katie came closer, my other hand moved to her boob, my first boob! And I had my hand in a pussy before that. Too bad there was too much fabric in the way to get a good feel on Katie's tit. When I gave her boob a pinch, Katie lost it and cummed. Angelina looked wide-eyed at the spectacle.

I grinned. "I am not done yet, Katie. Get ready for another round."

Katie moaned, "Give it to me, Harry. Oh Morgana's dripping cunt, this feels so good!"

A minute later, Angie said, "Amazing, it is coming back up! Get ready for round two, Harry."

Katie turned around and whispered in my ear, 'From the front, Harry. Soak my panty! Push your fingers in deep."

"Your wish is my command," I sped up a few nudges, and my mouth searched for a boob, the one my other hand wasn't grabbing.

"Katie, you are such a slut. Open your blouse for improved access, slut." teased Angie.

"Better not. Poppy is on the way!" warned Alicia.

In a few seconds, my Boxer was back on, and the bed sheet covered the indecent parts. Although there was a tent visible. My Dude was still rock hard, and it showed. Katie adjusted her skirt and acted like a proper lady.

"Curfew is in five minutes; you can make it on time if you leave now," said Pomfrey

I bet she isn't fooled at all. The smell lingers, even when you vanish the evidence. Katie kissed me on the cheek, "Good night, Star Seeker, sweet dreams."

Alicia and Angelina waved at me. "Sweet dreams indeed, champion."

When they were gone, I pinched myself to check if I was dreaming or not. Nope, I was not dreaming at all. Angelina gave me a hand job while I gave one to Katie. How awesome is that? I can already tell you that this Harry will have a better time than the Harry from the books.

Now I have a real Stiff Problem.

Xxxxx

The next day, Poppy released me after lunch. Ron and Hermione were in Hogsmeade, so I moved to the seventh floor to search for the dancing Trolls tapestry. It was a ridiculous sight. The Trolls were lifelike. I saw a real one, and they looked the same. The tutu completed the madness.

I paced before the wall, thinking about information about House Potter and Black. At the third pass, a door appeared. Quickly I went inside, the room was small with a bookcase filled with books about the old Houses and a couch. It took a few hours to puzzle it together. The Potters came along with the Romans. It was not clearly documented before that time, so it has at least two thousand years of history.

It is strange, there were several cadet lines with the Potter name. From the seventeen hundreds, we produced only one child per generation. Therefore, the Cadet lines grew apart, and no new ones were made. Almost all of them emigrated to the United States. The Potters helped to build Hogwarts, were present when the Magna Carta was signed, and are one of the founders of the Wizengamot. They also negotiated with the Goblins to start the Gringotts bank.

Most of all, they were leading figures in the Wizarding World. I wonder what caused the downfall. Here I am, an orphan that spent ten years in a cupboard. Who put me there? House Dumbledore, founded in the sixteen hundreds.

That brings me to our ancient Allies. First of all are the Longbottoms. They arrived 1,100 years ago with the Vikings and have been our allies for a thousand years. After them came Bones, Abbot, McMillan, Smith, McKinnon, and Greengrass, the most important ones.

Greengrass went independent two hundred years ago, Smith a hundred years ago. I don't know what went wrong with my Father because he ended up with only Longbottom. Bones and Abbot grouped up. Voldemort eliminated the McKinnons and thinned out the rest.

Hmm, to sum it up, I am alone with a tentative Neville as an ally. I need to get him a new wand and some balls. I have to visit Gringotts to find out what vaults there are for me and how many galleons I have left. The good news is that my seat in the Wizengamot is secure; I just have to kick that patsy from it. I will save the books about Wizarding Customs and the Wizengamot rules for after dinner.

Xxxxx

Olly was quiet at Dinner, still embarrassed over my Stiff Problem. Angelina and Alicia were whispering with the twins, and Katie sat next to me with a happy smile. Ron sat on my other side. I had him in front of me once… never again! A pig has better table manners. Even Hermione gave up on correcting his table habits.

Thank Merlin that the bickering is over. Scabbers, AKA Pettigrew, has been missing for a month and is presumed dead. Ron is still hostile to Croochanks but mainly ignores the cat. Ginny… is sitting with her friends. It seems the holiday in Egypt paid off.

That brings me to McGonagall. I waited until she finished her meal and intercepted her on the way out. "Professor, can I speak with you for a moment?"

"I have a few moments. What is it about, Mr. Potter?" asked McGonagall while we walked out of the Great Hall side by side.

My answer: "I want to change my elective from Divination to Ancient Runes and Arithmancy. Hermione lent me her course books this weekend, and I have no problem understanding them. After two days of study, I am up to date with Runes and close with Arithmancy."

"I see," said McGonagall. She glansed sideways at me, "Your results from last year contradict that, Mr Potter. It was below average, to be honest."

I defended myself, "That was a habit from Elementary School, Professor. Uncle Vernon beat me up every time I did better than my cousin. And Dudley is not very bright."

McGonagall froze up, "Did I hear good? Your uncle beat you up for doing better than your cousin?"

I nodded, "And lock me in my cupboard without dinner, sometimes without breakfast the day after."

McGonagall almost had a heart attack. "Your Cupboard?"

I frowned. "Do not act as if you did not know about it, Professor. My letter from Hogwarts was addressed to my Cupboard under the stairs. I slept there for ten years. After that letter, they moved me to the smallest bedroom."

McGonagall shook her head. "Those letters are sent automatically, Mr. Potter. I honestly did not know, or I would have intervened and taken you away."

I looked puzzled. "I am sure Mrs. Fig had said it to someone. I noticed she has some half-breed Kneazles. So she is a witch or a squib. She often babysat me. She saw the bruises and the rags I was forced to wear. That brings me to this question: Why did you never notice it?"

That was a rant from the Old Guy. She has been teaching for decades; she must have seen the signs. She did not answer it though.

I gave her another shock by asking, "Who put me there? Aunt Petunia mocked me with it, saying that they dropped me on their doorstep like a piece of garbage. Nobody came to check on me to see if I was treated right. Did you know I hated my parents for dying on me? Aunt Petunia told me they were drunk deadbeats who died in a car crash. I did not have a good time there, Professor."

McGonagall, with tears in her eyes, said, "I did not know, Harry. Albus said that you were taken care of, but I honestly did not know. Why are you bringing that up now? Why not when you first came here?"

I shrugged, "Professor, I went from a nobody in a cupboard to a celebrity in a big castle. What was I supposed to say? The Dementor attack woke me up. Do you know that when those Dementors attacked me, I heard my mother's voice? She pleaded to spare me and kill her instead. Voldemort laughed and killed her. I passed out when the Avada hit me. That was when I fell off my broom."

Overkill? Should I have waited a few months? Spread it out over a school year? Nah, now she can't refuse the abused orphan. I bet she will wax Albus's ears. Ah, we are moving again to… we are going straight to Albus! Is he home? Nope, she sent a cat Patronus. I have to learn that spell sometimes.

Crap! I hope he doesn't wipe my memory! Can I get out of this?