A Matter Of The Heart Chapter 1: Home Coming, a harry potter fanfic

A/N: Hey guys, it's been a while since I've posted, I wrote, and wrote but nothing felt right until now, so here it is, and I do think that during the said period, my writing improved. Thank you so much for even taking a look at this, it's very much appreciated!

Firstly to the disclaimer: I do not own HP, nor the characters, this is clearly a work of fanfiction and I am not, nor will not profit from it financially. This will be my only note on this as I find repeating the obvious an endeavor a kin to insanity, or beating one's head against a wall. Thus this is my only disclaimer.

Ok, now that's over on to the tags!

A note on disabilities, I myself am legally blind and have epilepsy so I write from experience, however, everyone experiences their disability differently and I am all about DEI.

Trigger Warnings, I will put trigger warnings in the applicable chapters but to highlight.

I think that's it, enjoy!

Chapter 1

Home Coming

Scottish Highland

August 1, 2000

It was raining; it was a soft misting thing that clung to the clothes of anyone unfortunate enough not to have shelter. The weather was a perfect reflection of my mood. I had been too late; my lingering uncertainty had cost me a last conversation with the mother I had not seen for 15 years. My tears mingled with the raindrops, but I was not alone. There was a crowd around the grave. Some used spells to keep the rain away, I didn't I relished it, deserved it. I couldn't say anything through the speeches as my misery and self-flagellation grew. Once it was all over, I was turning to leave when a hand took my arm, looking back, I saw the stern, worried, and grief-stricken face of Aunt Minerva.

"Astrea if you would give me a moment?" I bit my lip, then nodded.

"Yes, but I don't have much time."

"Can you spare a half hour in the study?" I nodded again, suppressing my shivering. She took my arm in a firmer hold and then apparated us into the warm study. Aunt Minerva took the chair by the fire and gestured for me to take the one across from her. The fire warmed me, as did the two fingers of whiskey she poured for me.

"I cannot know how you are feeling, but it is plain to me that you are spiraling down my dear, please, after all these years, our letters. I want to help you." Her voice broke at the last, and I couldn't help but crack under the pleading, earnest look in her eyes. I crumpled upon myself and sobbed wildly, feeling the grief and all the other emotions roiling through me. Minerva knelt by my chair, though I saw her wince. She took my hand and stroked my hair.

"Talk to me Rea my bonny girl please let me help you." I sucked in a deep breath and tried to talk through the tears.

"I…I….f..failed…her…my….anger…a..and…p…pride….messed…up…e..everything. I..I….h..h..ave…n..n..no….one….I…l..lost…m..my…j..job…m…my…place. I've…me…messed….up….s..so…much…" I slapped my hands over my eyes and sobbed brokenly, sliding from my chair, I huddled into Aunt Minerva. Immediately she enfolded me into her arms and started to hum. After a length of time, I quieted and eventually pulled a little away from Minerva. My eyes, nose, and throat ached.

"My dear girl, why didn't you tell us about your job and flat, and as for your mother. That was the other thing I wanted to tell you, I have a letter for you from her."

"I, I didn't want anyone to know I lost my apartment and my job in Boston. I told my boss I needed to be gone for a week to travel here; he told me if I went on short notice, I would be fired. I couldn't keep up with the rent after my roommate left, so I was sleeping on a friend's couch. With everything going on and me not coming to see her, I thought you all would hate me because… I hate me." I sobbed and blew into a handkerchief.

"Oh Astrea my dear sweet girl, we don't hate you, it's sad everything that happened, and understandable why you kept away." I looked up at her dubious.

"Are, you sure?"

"Of course, you are a Fraser, my darling niece, and my favorite." I sniffed again, then chuckled wetly.

"I wouldn't be a Worthington for all the knuts in the world." Minerva chuckled.

"Indeed, if I could have cursed that male, I would have." She snarled.

"I just, until she ended up in hospital she made excuses for him, and the things he did to us. She was always the victim or the obedient wife, she never stood up for me, never told him to stop shouting at me, or even those times when he hit me. In some ways, I hated her as much if not more than I hated him, she was supposed to protect me. I've worked through this with the mind healer but I didn't want to bring it all up again. I didn't want to find she still would have excuses. It was also because I didn't want to hear her say she was sorry, it would be too little too late." I felt the sobs build up again.

"I know, dear, I know, and she knew too, it was one of her biggest regrets and something she took years to work through, and even then…well. All she wanted in the end was to let it go, as there was nothing she could say to make up for everything that happened when you were young. The cancer eating at her magic exhausted her, and so most of the time, once it was found, she slept, especially after the treatments to stop it." I felt more tears fall as Aunt Minerva talked.

"So she was at peace, she, she didn't hate me for not coming?" Minerva shook her head.

"No dear, she did wish to see you but even if she couldn't she just wanted to make sure you were happy and loved." The tears fell faster a mingling of regret and relief rushed through me.

"I'm sorry I let my pride, and fear get in the way of seeing her, but I'm glad she was at peace."

"She was, the cancer took her quickly and with the treatments mostly painlessly. Now my dear we need to talk of your situation and what we shall do about it." I looked up at her startled, was she serious?

"I, I don't know what to do like I said I lost my job at the North American Zoological Reserve. Though you couldn't pay me to work under that sleazy bastard again." I said after I had blown into the handkerchief again, Minerva thought while she smoothed my hair, it felt lovely and very comforting. Then she spoke choosing her words with thoughtful car.

"Well, Hagrid left over a year ago, we do need a Care of Magical Creatures teacher. Grubbalyplank is getting old, and she wants a replacement. The job comes with the cottage if you wish, and the salary is reasonable. Our new groundskeeper lodges in the forest, seeing as he is a centaur. Would that be something you would wish to do?" I gaped, I had thought she would help me get a job at some shop in Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley. This was far more than I had expected or even hoped for.

"Yes, yes, but do I qualify, I mean, that is, I'm not exactly, erm, older, nor do I have a teaching mastery." Aunt Minerva burst out laughing.

"You're not exactly a spring chicken 35 is a perfectly respectable age to be a professor." She chuckled, I huffed but smiled. "Well then, we have some time before school starts, that cottage, well, if I am honest, it's more like a hovel, needs work. It would also give you time to come up with your lesson plans and curriculum. I also think it would give you time to heal." I nodded, it would help to have something to concentrate on.

"I don't know how to fix rotten wood, or rebuild it if needed, but I can paint and do small repairs."

"It's sound, just very, well it needs new paint and a deep scrubbing out the elves will most likely do that. The rest, but where you would like things to go and such should take up your time." I smiled.

"Well, that is easy enough, and it would be good to distract me like you said." Aunt Minerva placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Yes Astrea it would, and you won't be alone, a few professors stay year-round." That was somewhat comforting.

"Then yes I will accept, Headmistress." I grinned and she returned the grin.

"Good because otherwise, I would have had to drag you off to Hogwarts." I eeped and pretended to be terrified, she chuckled and slowly got up. I helped her to her feet and we retook our seats by the fire, I settled in and waited for what was next.

"Do you need to get anything, or would you rather spend the night here than start off tomorrow?" I bit my lip, I loved my other relatives but they would wish to offer their condolences again. I didn't know if I could bear any more of that no matter how well-intended it was.

"Tonight, I, well I don't want to face more well-intended condolences." I looked down and pleated the black robes I had hastily bought.

"Good then what about your things, do we need to collect them?"

"No, I have them here." I patted the pocket that contained my matchbox-sized trunk.

"Hogwarts has several guest rooms, then I can show you the cottage tomorrow." I sighed, feeling grateful that despite our talk, there was still that aching hole inside. I was also exhausted from the outpouring of emotion and from the upheaval of these last few weeks.

"Thank you, Aunty Minnie." Aunt Minerva looked up at me as she sealed a letter.

"You are welcome, my dear; now we'll be side apparating again. As it's getting late, I'll show you to your room and have an elf get you some food. Make free with our guest bath as they are quite luxurious, or so I've heard, breakfast is usually late during the break, so feel free to sleep in, my dear. There, that letter for Angus will explain the basics: my brother's not the brightest sometimes and will wonder why his grandaughter left so quickly." I snorted.

"I love Papa, but you aren't incorrect." Aunty snorted, stood, and put her hand to the small of her back wincing.

"Now let us get you to your room you look dead on your feet, lass, and my old bones need a rest." She held out her hand; I stepped to her, and to it, with a crack, we were gone. The next moment, we were in a torch-lit stone corridor, I steadied Aunty and took a moment to look around.

"Tippy." A female house elf wearing a neat black and white blouse and skirt with the Hogwarts crest sewn onto the left shoulder.

"Yes headmistress? What can Tippy be doing for you?"

"This is Astrea Fraser; she will be our new COMC professor, she will take over the cottage, I wish for two elves to be assigned to her. She will be staying in a guest room for now until the cottage is ready." Tippy tapped her long nose in thought.

"Hobbs and Fina are being available, I be glad to hear the cottage bes taken care of. Elves been not liking not being able to clean cottage. Profser Fe would be willing to meet with elves to talk color, theme, and such?" I smiled and nodded then spoke.

"Yes, I've worked with elves before, so I don't mean to be rude when I ask if I could help with the cleaning?" Tippy made a small face and then shook her head emphatically.

"Meaning no disrespect profser Fe, but elves be doing more thorough job then profser can. Elves will need to know how profser likes colors, and things though." She offered her voice firm.

"I understand, but I did want to offer, and that should be fine with me, how long would it take for things to be ready?" Tippy tapped her nose again.

"Should be ready after breakfast, elvesies have been waiting eagerly to clean the cottage. Would profser be willing to come to cottage after breakfast if elf lead you to cottage?"

"Yes that would be great, I"m very excited to work with the elves." Tippy beamed, then turned to Aunty Minnie.

"Was there being any aught else you be wanting Headmistress?"

"Yes, please see that dinner is brought to Astrea and that the guest bath is ready for her as well, please." Tippy nodded, then popped away.

"Now, here is your room, I need to go see our potions master, will you be fine, my dear?" I shook my head and then spoke.

"No, but do you need help with getting to them?" Aunty shook her head. She started off, but at her fifth step, she faltered and staggered. I rushed to her and helped to steady her.

"Excuse me, Tippy, could you inform the potions master the headmistress needs them, she'll be in my rooms."

"That's not necessary Astrea I can make it to my office." I snorted and started walking to my rooms while she leaned on me.

"Aunty, please, you helped me, let me help you." Aunty huffed.

"It's just the rain, lass; my bones have a hard time with the change in weather."

"I understand, but you deserve to be taken care of too, Aunty." I maneuvered her into the room. Looking around, I saw that the sitting room was a mix of blues and greens. The walls were a deep cream, and the stone floor was strewn with plush rugs. A couch, a love seat, and a wingbacked chair were arranged around a roaring fireplace. They looked extremely comfortable, and I could imagine myself curled up in one reading a book. I eased Minerva into the wingbacked chair opposite the loveseat and turned it towards the fire.

There came a knock at the door; I went to it, checking over my shoulder that Aunt Minnie was still in her chair. I opened the door to a man with long black hair that hung in curtains on either side of his face. He had sharp black eyes and a pale face. He was also quite tall, making it necessary for me to tip my head back in order to meet his eyes. He was broad-shouldered and filled the doorway. He wore black robes giving off an aura of intimidation. He made me feel small, which was unusual for me as I was tall and, due to my weight, had been politely called curvy.

"I was informed Minerva needed me?" His voice was deep, but there was a chill to it, I smiled despite it. My last boss had been an arrogant, egotistical, chauvinistic, entitled, frigid dick with a stick shoved up his ass.

"Yes, I'm Astrea, Minerva's great-niece, please come in I'm worried about her." Minnie waved a hand at my words.

"It's just the weather; I'm achy I just need that potion, Severus." The already foreboding man, Severus, frowned and went over to Minerva. Pulling out his wand, he made several swirling, sharp gestures, runes, and other sigils lit up around my aunt, then faded.

"You over-taxed yourself again, apparating two people is too much for you when you're in this state, Minerva. I would think you had the sense to listen to your healers when they tell you to take care. Obviously, I was incorrect, please inform me when you decide to completely take leave of your senses so I will not be blamed for the state you will be in. " Severus snapped tone arctic, words crips and clipped. He ran a hand through his hair, it looked silky and fine, and my fingers twitched wanting to tidy the touseled locks.

"No need to bite my head off, it was necessary." Severus sighed again and plucked a small vial from his breast pocket.

"I ask that you remember what the healer said during your last check, you need to take care, Minerva. If you continue this way the potions can only help so much. As I said I shall not be responsible if you keep on this way." Minerva smiled up at the dower man.

"I appreciate your opinion, Severus, and I will try harder to heed the healer's words." I saw Severus's mouth twitch.

"Tippy." The elf popped in and saw Minerva in the chair.

"What is the headmistress needing?"

"I need to be popped to my rooms, please, and helped to bed." Tippy's face fell into lines of worry.

"Yes, right away." Aunt Minnie turned to me and mouthed a 'thank you' before she left. I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose.

"I apologize for not introducing myself." I was slightly startled, for a moment, I had forgotten the potions master was still in the room. I turned to him; he still looked dower but I could see he was trying to be polite.

"It's no matter, I'm Astrea, again, erm, Minerva is my aunt on my mother's side. You're Severus, or would you prefer to be called by your last name, sir?" I offered my hand, feeling instantly flustered and wanting to give a good impression. I saw Severus's mouth jerk sideways for a moment, he took my hand, hesitated for a moment, kissed my hand, then let it go and cleared his throat.

"I am Severus Snape, Potion's Master and head of Slytherin house. You may call me Severus, may I ask if you are visiting?" He was stiff and frosty but completely civil.

"I'm to be the new Care of Magical Creatures Professor starting in the fall." Severus pursed his mouth, seemingly in thought though he was a hard man to read.

"I see, well, have you experience with children?" I nodded.

"Yes, in my last job, I worked with children off and on, so I'm familiar with lesson planning and a curriculum. I should explain I worked at a magical zoological reserve, I took care of and studied all manner of magical creatures. We held many classes on different creatures and so forth, I apologize I'm very passionate about it." I flushed, and his mouth jerked to the side. Was that his attempt not to smile?

"No need to apologize, may I call you Astrea?" His deep voice speaking my name made my heart flutter. I had to remind myself he would be my colleague, and I shouldn't let my mind wander in that direction.

"Yes, please, would you care for a seat, Severus, I could ask for tea or something stronger if you care to stay. However, if I am keeping you, I do understand if you need to go." For a moment, Severus hesitated, he caught me with his eyes, his stare penetrating and also searching.

"I should go, I do have several options to attend to." I bit my lip, a little sad, I had hoped to speak with him further and make at least one acquaintance before breakfast tomorrow. His eyes dipped to my mouth, then met my eyes, and I flushed again.

"However, if you care to, I would speak with you further during breakfast, though I am not much for mornings." I couldn't help myself I beamed.

"That would be lovely, Severus, thank you." His head dipped.

"You are welcome, Astrea. Good night." I walked with him to the door, which surprised him.

"Good night, Severus, see you in the morning." He nodded again, his mouth jerking to the side. When the door closed, I leaned against it; I needed to get a handle on myself. Obviously, it had been way too long since my last relationship if I was going all soft for an almost perfect stranger. Shaking my head, I went to the table by the windows across from the door; it held a steaming tray of food. With my stomach rumbling and urging me on, I tucked into the meal, as I finished Tippy popped in.

"Is there something I can help you with?"

"Yes, headmiss forgot to give you this, and she asks to tell Tippy if profser needs help after." Tippy placed an envelope by my plate. The plate vanished in the next moment, as did Tippy. I studied the envelope, and in looping familiar handwriting I saw my name, it was in my mother's hand. Trembling I carefully opened the envelope and pulled out the letter Aunty had mentioned. Steeling myself I took in a breath and began to read.

My Sweet Astrea

I'm writing this just in case because I have the feeling that this cancer will take me quickly, and I don't want to leave anything unsaid, or rather unwritten. I wish I could tell you how sorry I am, however, words will never be enough to express my regret. It is completely understandable if you can't forgive me, I don't expect you to. I have failed you completely as a mother, in every way a mother can fail her child. If I could I would use a time turner and change it all, but magic can only fix so much. Despite all of this I love you, even if you can't love me, which I wouldn't blame you for.

Minnie has kept me abreast of everything you have accomplished, I'm so proud of you. I'm so very proud of the woman that you have become, your triumphs, and how despite everything you have overcome. Even if you don't want my praise or are angry at me I had to tell you that. I love you, my sweet girl, I hope Mother Magic blesses you, and that you can find peace and a love of your own. I hope you find friends and a family that know you for the treasure you are. I hope that life is good to you and that you are given all the love, and happiness that you deserve. Know no matter where I am I will love you, and hope you live a full and happy life. I'm tired now, and I have treatment soon, please know these last days have brought me peace, and a sense of contentment. I love you forever my sweet Astrea never doubt that.

All my love, and more,

Mom

I had to reread the letter once I cried myself out, it was everything and more I had hoped from her. I felt a massive weight leave my chest, and tears of relief, and gratitude came. I pushed back strands of auburn hair that had slid free of my braid, brushed the tears away, carefully folded the letter, and tucked it back into the envelope. I sipped the last bit of wine and sighed, looking out the window I thought of my mom.

"I forgive you Mom, and I forgive me," I said more tears slid down my cheeks. I felt warmth surround me like a hug, a breeze swirled around me then faded. A sense of peace washed through me, and my chest loosened for the first time in months.

The peace stayed with me as I took a leisurely bath, and then slipped into bed. For the first time in a long time, no anxiety-riddled thoughts bombarded my mind. Instead, I thought about how grateful I was for the letter, my mom had somehow known exactly what I needed to hear. I replayed her words, how much she loved me, how sorry she was, and with those thoughts I fell asleep.

A/N: Thank you for reading, and if you would review I'd be most grateful!