Fucking Michael.
That's what Lucifer wanted to say, however, since his brother was upstairs cleansing everything, the Devil decided instead to simply say: "Why is there a fucking talking puppet?"
"Yeah, I'm not... sure." Charlie had her face in her hands, she looked embarrassed. Velvette was sitting on the edge of the table, examining her nails.
"Does this sort of thing happen to you a lot?"
"Who are you calling a puppet, imposter!?" The puppet stood up and puffed its chest out, tipping his hat upward so that Lucifer could look into the googly looking eyes.
"You. Because you are a puppet." Lucifer reached up and flipped the hat down so that it flopped back into the puppets face. Charlie finally brought her hands down; she grabbed the puppet gently by the shoulders.
"Hey, it's okay. Puppets are great."
"Charlie, sweetie," the puppet put both of its fuzzy, fabric hands on either side of Charlie's cheeks, "you don't have to be nice. That puppet doesn't even look all that convincing." Lucifer narrowed his eyes.
"Excuse fucking you-"
"Look how short it is." The puppet gestured in Lucifer's direction. "And the expression, so grumpy, so sour. It's unbecoming of the King of Hell."
"YOUR FACE CAN'T EVEN EMOTE!"
"And that temper," the puppet waved off Lucifer's justified anger with a shake of its head. "Don't worry my little princess, I will get rid of the imposter at once!" He stood straight, squaring his shoulders as if bracing for a fight as he marched toward the Devil. He pressed a soft, felt hand into the Devil's chest. "Begone, imposti-fer!" His head turned to look back at Charlie. "Do you see what I did? I mixed the word imposter with my own name." Charlie nodded.
"I got that."
"Very good! That's my clever girl. Now! Impostifer! I shall smite you with my mighty powers!" The puppet's gaze returned to the Devil before him.
"Wait, let's not fight!" Charlie took the puppet by the shoulders once again, guiding it back so it was no longer getting in Lucifer's face. The King of Hell crossed his arms, a smirk playing on his lips.
"Wait, I kinda want to see what he can do."
"Dad." Charlie gave him a look and Lucifer dropped his stance.
"Fine."
At the exact same moment, the puppet responded with: "what is it you want, Appalachia?"
"Appalachia? That's not even an apple theme!" Lucifer couldn't believe that Michael's powers had gotten so out of whack that he was granting sentience to things in the middle of fucking Hell of all places. If he had known the Archangel was going to be this much of a problem, he never would have let him move in.
"Dad, be nice, he's a puppet." Charlie was far too kind for her own good. For all they knew, the Corrupted Imp had brought the puppet to life for it to bite everyone in the hotel and spread the disease. (Not that the puppet could bite. And sure, Lucifer had never heard of a Corrupted being making Muppets sentient- but there was a first time for everything!)
"That's right, puppet, stand back." The puppet waved Lucifer away. "I need to talk to Michael about what happened upstairs." Charlie sucked the air in through her clenched teeth.
"That sounds great, but I think maybe you should let dad do it? You..." she knelt down a bit so she could look the puppet in its soulless, wiggly eyes. "You are a puppet."
"You don't want to hurt his feelings." The puppet put both fabric hands on either side of Charlie's face once more; shaking its head. "My sweet hearted little Applegate-"
"Applegate!?" Lucifer scoffed. "You can't just add the word apple in front of things and make them into cute nicknames! Thought goes into it!"
"Dad," Charlie patted the puppets hand so it let her face go and she stood up straight once again. "Just tell me everything got taken care of upstairs."
"Yes, we took care of it." Lucifer nodded solemnly. He didn't want to go into too much detail with Velvette present, as he didn't want news of Corruption to be unveiled in some VoxTek sponsored livestream. Also, knowing it was a Hellborn this time, perhaps even one of their old staff... it would break Charlie's heart. "Michael is just cleansing the area."
"So, do the Archangels work for you? Or is this some weird, backward version of the Exterminations? I'm trying to figure out the angle here." If Velvette was at all phased by the puppet, she didn't show it.
"They work for me now." Lucifer considered that to be the truth of the matter. If anything, he was Michael's new landlord and that should hold some kind of weight in the Heavenly Hierarchy. "That's why I ended the Exterminations. Heaven needs to know its place."
"Spicy." Velvette may or may not believe him, but nothing he said could really be contradicted. Or at least, not by anyone aside from Michael who wasn't here. "You should probably tell the rest of Hell that they don't need to shut everything down today? I mean, the Princess told Vox, Vox told us, but no one really trusts anything anyone says because, you know, it's Hell."
"Of course!" The puppet chimed in enthusiastically, "I should make a grand announcement on the matter! The public should be aware of my greatness, more so than they already are."
"I was going to say something on the matter today." Lucifer had not been planning any such thing. He had figured whatever Charlie had decided to do should suffice as an announcement. But he was not about to be shown up by a fucking puppet. "I told my secretary to get in touch with Vox." Sorry Syn, it was time to be thrown under a metaphorical bus.
"You have a secretary?" Velvette raised an eyebrow. Charlie was looking at her father skeptically. Lucifer sighed. Maybe his daughter had gotten something from Michael after all because the Devil felt a little judged by her gaze. It figured as much; she was quite close with Syn.
"I do, but she's been on vacation and must not have seen the note." Lucifer wouldn't hang her out to dry like this. "I can get something worked out."
"I am sure Mammon will have something big planned!" The puppet really needed to know how to keep its floppy little mouth shut. "We have to outdo him!"
"It's fine." Mammon definitely didn't know. Lucifer couldn't even remember the last time he had seen any of the Seven Deadly. "Charlie," he pushed the puppet to the side with his cane so that it wouldn't get in the way as he addressed his daughter. "Why don't you make the announcement to Hell?" Charlie looked a little hesitant.
"Me?"
"It seems my puppet finally had a good idea in that foolish little head full of stuffing!" The Muppet used its noodle-like body to slink over the cane and did a little handspring before landing in front of Charlie. "Who better and more beloved than my darling daughter to announce that Hell is free of the tyranny of Heaven!?"
"I mean, I can think of a lot of people, me, for starters." Velvette hopped off the table, "but I am sensing that the royal family needs a win here. Let me call Vox."
"And I will talk to my brother, we must figure out how that abomination got into my daughter's wonderful hotel!" The puppet started toward the stairs. Lucifer hooked the apple topper of his cane beneath the Muppet's coat and dragged it back to the group.
"He's not your brother. He's my clone." Lucifer didn't need the Muppet finding Michael. The leader of Heaven's Armies was already a puppet in his own right, so the conversation would be redundant. (Plus, Lucifer would be damned again before he ever let a puppet outshine him.) "And I will talk to him."
"Should I come with you?" Charlie looked genuinely concerned, and who could blame her? Her room was supposed to be a safe space, and it had been crawling with Corruption.
"Stay here, keep an eye on the puppet." Lucifer took her hand, squeezing it gently, trying to reassure her. "I will keep you updated. You have my word."
"Thank you." Charlie, surprisingly, seemed to accept this at face value. Usually, in Hell, one's word was meaningless. Their moment was cut short as Velvette spoke up.
"Vox, thank you for finally picking up the bloody phone. We have a new mission."
"And maybe keep an eye on her too." Lucifer's gaze flickered to Velvette who was examining her nails with her free hand, pacing the room, phone against her ear.
"Fair." Charlie smiled as the Devil released her hand. Lucifer figured the Muppet was no immediate threat, and even if it were to pose one later, it would most likely have its ass kicked by Charlie, or even Velvette. And it would be best for the princess to listen in on the plans the Vees were making about her, else Charlie might find herself sitting on an iron throne and declaring war on all of Heaven: 'for the ratings'.
"I'm thinking something coordinated with an explosion- right, right, we can NOT let Cherri fucking destroy that thing before we get there." Velvette was in her own world, on the phone with Vox who, Lucifer assumed, was with the other Hotel Residents. The King was satisfied with leaving Charlie downstairs. He put the helmet Michael had given him back over his head, in case of any lingering Corruption, it was unlikely but why take the risk? He saw blue light spilling out from beneath Charlie's bedroom door. As he opened it, the handle was hot, even through his glove. He was lucky his hand didn't outright burn. The door swung open revealing Michael standing in the middle of the room, everything engulfed in a painfully bright, blazing, sapphire flame.
"This seems... a little like... overkill..." Lucifer's voice still sounded strange, even to himself. It reminded him of the old days, back when he was the leader of the Arcs. Of course, his old helmet wouldn't fit thanks to the horns.
"It was hiding in the walls, at least for a few days."
"... Ah. So not overkill then."
"I am just trying to be safe."
"... thank you."
"What?"
"I said fuck you." Lucifer quickly corrected himself. Sure, Michael was helping him and helping Charlie. But he couldn't go around being soft on the brother who had so grievously betrayed him all those years back.
"Okay." Michael raised his left hand, the flames vanished, and most of the room was still standing, though, it was now bathed in a soft, otherworldly shine.
"Did you just fucking bless my daughter's room?"
"I didn't have a choice."
"Where is Charlie going to sleep then?" Lucifer pulled the helmet off. "You can't just have her lying on her hallowed fucking bed. She'll burst into flames, Michael."
"It'll wear off. But it might be for the best that no one stays here for a day or two. I'm going to have to clean the inside of the walls and most of the items in the Hotel. It seemed like the Imp was going around taking things. I found some stuff in the floorboards that it had been hiding, shoes, clothing, even yarn."
"And you're sure it was an Imp?"
"Nearly positive. The poor thing was almost beyond recognition. Even my angelic vision couldn't decipher her full name through all of the Corruption."
"I wonder why she came here, then?" Lucifer didn't think any Hellborn hung around Charlie's Hotel. It would be pointless since there wasn't really any Redemption for them. Michael shook his head, finally pulling the helmet off.
"Hard to say. Maybe she saw something she recognized?"
"... perhaps." Lucifer thought back to the fragment of the uniform he had seen. Maybe it was Charlie the Corrupted Hellborn had seen. The Princess did once live at the mansion, though it had been some time since that was the case. "How's your shoulder?"
"My what?" Michael blinked at him dumbly.
"Your shoulder? It's injured, dumbfuck. How is it?"
"Oh, um, it's definitely still working at an acceptable amount given the circumstances." Michael noticeably shifted so that his injured shoulder was further away from the Devil in question. Lucifer's eyes narrowed.
"Are you trying to lie to the Devil?"
"N-no!"
"Angel Speak can still be lying, Michael."
"I'm not lying!"
"You're not being honest, either, because if you were you'd throw up."
"Maybe I don't want to throw up."
"Be honest." Lucifer didn't budge. Michael was supposed to be in Hell specifically so they could keep an eye on the Corrupting Injury. The last thing they needed was the Archangel losing his fucking mind and attacking everyone blindly. That would be worse than any Extermination. Angels were... something to be reckoned with when they gave in to the Corruption. Most of the time, the blight would straight up kill them, and that was seen as the better fate. In Heaven, there had been an Angel who fell sick to the Corruption before the Fall. Thanks to Heaven's masking nature, no one even knew it until long after the fact. Damage had been done, and the Angel in question was already long gone from the pearly gates.
"This really isn't necessary-"
"You want to be closer, right?" Lucifer put a hand on Michael's good shoulder, he was gentle, but his grip was firm. "Then tell me, how's your shoulder?"
"It's really fine-"
"So, you don't trust me?"
"I trust you!" Michael took a deep breath. Lucifer was pleased to know that, even after all this time, he could still play his brother like the golden fiddle he had definitely won from Johnny in that competition back in Georgia. "It... it's sore. It's not spreading like it was before, but it hasn't healed nearly as much as I would like."
"See?" Lucifer put his hand on the top of Michael's head, patting it in what he hoped came across as a condescending gesture. "How hard was that?"
"Ah, Cinnamon Toast Crunch." Michael's way of swearing was both unique and incredibly stupid. The Archangel summoned up a trash bag and threw up violently into it. Lucifer shifted the hand that was on his shoulder down to his back.
"Feels good, I know."
"It feels awful."
"But what is it you angels are always saying? It's good for you? Raph will be so proud." He knew it was frustrating to Michael to be treated like a little kid taking his medicine, and Lucifer, honestly, took some enjoyment in knowing that. The Archangel wiped his mouth with his sleeve.
"You're right."
"It must be hard for you to admit that." Lucifer couldn't help but feel a little smug as he saw Michael listening to his advice for the first time in eons. He reached over pinching his former little brother's cheek between his fingers.
"Not at all, I'm just happy that you care."
"Don't make it weird, Mike."
"How am I making it-"
"AHHHH!' A cry from downstairs drew both of the twins' focus. It sounded like Charlie and Velvette- and since there was no one else in the Hotel at the moment, that made sense. The brothers hurried to the girls' side, Lucifer with his staff in hand and Michael with his sword floating behind him. The scene was far from the brawl the Devil was expecting. Velvette looked more irritated than terrified, Charlie had her arms crossed and was shaking her head, and the Muppet was standing between the girls and...
"Adam, why the fuck are you here!?" Lucifer immediately lowered his weapon. The First Man was laying on his face his body halfway stuck in the reflective coffee table in the middle of the lobby, liiking exhausted.
"You left in such a hurry," his head popped up as he was addressed, "I had to make sure you weren't doing anything horrendously stupid. At least, not without me. I want to video it and post it all over the internet." Lucifer raised an eyebrow at the Sinner on the floor.
"I don't think you can work the video on your phone, if I'm being honest."
"I know how to work the video function, thank you very much. Lysander showed me." Adam's head slowly drifted so it was resting against the floor once again. "And it's not my fault that Hell has such a shitty user interface. Things are needlessly complicated."
"Are you stuck?" Lucifer wasn't sure that Adam fully understood the term 'user interface' and while, it would be funny to call him out on it, it was more pressing that the First Man's hips and legs seemed to still be trapped in the mirror. Adam's head lifted up once more.
"No. I'm just resting."
"You shouldn't be out of bed, dumbass." Lucifer reached his cane forward, pressing the apple against Adam's forehead and gently trying to push him back into the reflection.
"That's what I told him." The Muppet, also, used its cane to push on Adam's forehead and try to put him back in the coffee table where he belonged. "But if he won't listen to a king, then perhaps he'll listen to a puppet."
"You are the puppet." Lucifer tried to remind the felt abomination of its true status but between Adam and the Muppet, there wasn't a brain cell to be found.
"Why is there a talking puppet?" Adam knocked both canes away with his hand and slowly used the carpet to drag himself the rest of the way out of the table. He was successful and once he was free, his wings popped out and covered him as he lay face-down on the hotel flooring. "Everyone else can see the puppet, right? Not just me?"
"The puppet is real, Adam." The puppet squatted down beside the Sinner, gently patting his shoulder. Lucifer immediately swatted those fuzzy, felt hands away.
"So, it's like what happened with Neo?" Adam peaked out from beneath his wings reaching wearily up to poke the puppet in its round, rosy cheek. This time it was the puppet's turn to swat Adam's hands away.
"Do not touch your king."
"Adam, you really didn't have to come out all this way." Charlie had her hands clasped together. Lucifer knew that today, of all days, she really would not want to see this Sinner. He felt guilty, but Adam had come of his own accord. Lucifer hadn't anticipated that. Why in the Seven rings, would Adam drag his weary ass all the way to the Hotel?
"I see that now." Adam returned to his position face down on the floor, seemingly giving up on investigating the puppet. "But if you saw Lucifer freaking out first thing in the morning you would follow him too. Also," Adam reached a hand into the shiny table leg, pulling out a plate of waffles. "I made breakfast."
"You were supposed to stay in bed." Lucifer frowned. The puppet grabbed the plate from Adam's hand holding it up in the air for everyone to see.
"Excellent, Char-Char look! Breakfast! You should grab something before your big announcement. Don't want you doing anything on an empty stomach!"
"Thanks, puppet-dad." Charlie took the plate from him, putting it on the table. "But I don't really have a big appetite at the moment." The puppet picked the plate back up.
"You should still eat something, you need your energy my little Apple Valley, California."
"These nicknames are getting ridiculous." Lucifer snatched the plate from the puppet's hands. "He's right, though, you should eat something."
"Wait." Velvette stepped so she was beside the King gesturing for Charlie to join her. "Bend down, good, head slightly to the left. Move the plate, there! Smile!" She took out her phone snapping a picture. "Okay, you can eat now." She immediately began typing on her phone. "But save me the one on top, I like the whipped cream." Lucifer honestly figured that Charlie should get the waffle with the most whipped cream, but Adam, still in the ground, reached a hand into the pocket of his robes, and sent a can of whipped cream rolling across the floor.
"Brought... more."
"You really should be in bed, asshole." Lucifer felt like Adam would be more or less back to normal by now if he hadn't pushed himself like the absolute idiot he was.
"Fuck you." Adam wearily raised up his middle finger before wrapping his wings around himself and curling up in the middle of the floor.
"Oh, Charlie," at some point Michael must have walked off to grab plates, because Lucifer saw him handing them off to Charlie, Velvette, Adam, Lucifer himself, and even the fucking Muppet. "You may not be able to stay here tonight. I am doing my best to clean everything out, but the poor soul was in your walls for... a least a couple of days."
"Oh fuck..." Charlie's cheeks paled as the realization seemed to hit. "Do you think everyone is okay? They were complaining about stuff missing, and nightmares, and I just thought-"
"I called the doctor." Michael smiled at her reassuringly. "But I would like to think everyone is fine. I assume if someone had gotten bitten you would have heard screaming."
"Good work, Mikey." The puppet patted the Archangel on the shoulder. "We need to get this cleaned up as quickly as possible. Charlie worked hard on this place." Lucifer made a face of discontent.
"Don't call him Mikey."
"That's his name though." The puppet stared at him with its lifeless, yellow and red eyes. (It was impressive that Charlie had found googly eyes in the correct colors.) Lucifer scoffed.
"His name is asshole."
"He is clearly just trying to help; you don't need to antagonize the poor guy." The puppet remarked flatly. Lucifer felt like he had been slapped across the face. How was a Muppet going to critique his ruling prowess?
"You know he cut my wings off, right?" Lucifer didn't want to spend time arguing with stuffing shoved in a sentient sock, but he felt this needed to be said. "I mean, I don't expect you to understand what that's like, because you don't have wings. But the point stands."
"I have wings." The puppet countered flatly. Lucifer's own gold and crimson eyes locked with the fake plastic gaze of the second worst copy in existence (the first, of course, still being Michael.) It blinked, proving it had eyelids.
"Prove it."
"No." And with that the puppet turned away from him back toward the others. "Once we have you looked over, we'll make the big announcement. But really Applebee's, you should try to eat something." Lucifer squinted at the back of the puppet's head.
"I feel like now you're just trying to make me mad."
"Isn't that a restaurant?" Adam asked, still face down on the floor.
"Yes. And it's a shitty restaurant and a shittier fucking nickname." Lucifer looked down at the black and white lump that now occupied his daughter's lobby. "Are you able to sit up?"
"Yes. But I don't want to. I live here now." Adam slowly stuck his arm out so he could give the Devil Hell's most unconvincing thumbs up.
"Do you think we could kill you?" Velvette had taken the waffle on top of the stack and added even more whipped cream to it. She squatted down beside Adam. "For cinematic reasons?"
"Don't kill him!" Lucifer spoke up so quickly he surprised himself. Obviously, the thought of getting Corrupted blood everywhere had just sparked something inside him. (It had nothing to do with Adam personally, no matter how weak and fragile he looked, sprawled out on the Hotel carpet like a discarded toy.)
"These waffles are pretty good, holy fuck." Velvette was briefly distracted as she took her first bite of Adam's cooking. "Look, it would just be really bad ass to have Charlie kill you when she blows up the countdown clock. You know, since you were the leader and everything."
"I wasn't the leader I was just a general." Adam grumbled from the floor. "It wasn't like it was my idea. Or... maybe it was... I... I don't think that sounds right..."
"Adam, stop." Lucifer knelt down, picking the First Man up, off of his face. It was just pathetic seeing him on the floor. Also, he was weak from the day before, they didn't need him stressing about the Exterminations. Not until he was better. He couldn't risk losing him- his lead. He couldn't lose their best chance at solving this. "Don't think about that right now. I can smell your braincells frying from here." Adam squinted at him.
"You don't even have a fucking nose."
""So... I am getting a: no?" Velvette sighed. "That sucks. It would have been a really great thumbnail." Lucifer narrowed his eyes, pulling Adam a little closer.
"No."
"Ugh, fine." Velvette turned her attention toward Michael. "Can we kill you? It will help Charlie's image." Michael blinked, seemingly confused by the question.
"I mean... if it'll help Charlie's image..."
"Michael, say no." Lucifer didn't trust Michael to adequately play dead. And maybe attacking him with weapons when he was already Corrupted wasn't a great idea, even if it was just for show. Michael nodded.
"No."
"Why do I have to kill anyone? Can't I just say we worked things out?" Charlie didn't seem like she was thrilled with the idea of murdering her uncle either.
"Do you want Hell to think you're some kind of weak fucking pushover?" Velvette finished her waffle and put the plate down. "You have to prove you're a woman of action. But it's fine, we can imply that- I mean you and your weird little minions did put up a whole fucking fight that we televised last Extermination Day."
"Please don't call them minions they are my friends." Charlie spoke up. "And they can be your friends too if you're willing to open up, put in the work, and-"
"You're not going to be wearing that are you?" Velvette wouldn't even let the Princess finish her friendship pitch. Lucifer was able to make the executive decision that he didn't like Velvette. Not one fucking bit.
"I mean, it's what I always wear." Again, Charlie tried to explain herself. Velvette made a show of sighing, bringing her phone over so Charlie could take a look.
"Pick a new outfit."
"From your phone?" Charlie blinked. "I don't think that we have time to- oh, that's actually really cute." As the Princess was talking Velvette was flipping through a variety of images showing her options.
"Good choice." Velvette pulled her phone away, pointing it toward Charlie. "Then again, it's all my work, so anything you picked would have looked stunning." And with that, she pushed a button and Charlie's red suit changed to a beautiful, glistening red gown, complete with a crimson and black tiara that would have even suited Lucifer's lavish tastes.
"Oh, wow." Charlie looked down at herself, grabbing the fabric and swooshing it around. "This is so pretty! Thank you, Velvette!" The Overlord smirked.
"I know, I'm amazing."
"Before you head out, we should make sure you get seen by the doctor!" Michael spoke up rather quickly. "And maybe he could go with you? Give all your friends a once-over? You know," he cupped his hands, and a little rainbow appeared over his head. "Multitasking!" The world Multitasking appeared in glittering blue letters within the rainbow. Velvette did a double take, looking between Lucifer, Michael, and Charlie, then back to Michael.
"Be honest, Princess, is that your real dad?"
"Oh fuck no." Lucifer was revolted by the very thought. He had made Charlie the old-fashioned way, for starters: with magic clay. But the very image of Lilith and Michael together made his skin crawl. "Michael doesn't like women. Michael doesn't like anyone."
"I like lots of people, most people, in fact." Michael protested. "I am just not romantically interested in women. But I like lots of women! Azrael, Charon, Polly, Rochele, Eve-"
"Stay away from my wife, bird boy." Adam spoke up, still in Lucifer's arms. The Devil shifted so that he could use his tail to flick Adam in the head.
"You mean Charon's wife."
"Exactly. She's in a committed relationship. Stay away." Adam made a gesture, pointing to his own eyes before pointing directly at Michael. "You Morningstars love a married woman."
"Shhh," Lucifer covered Adam's eyes with his hand. He didn't really want to think about the past right now. It wasn't any good for Adam. He was supposed to be avoiding stress. "I don't think having a doctor give public checkups on everyone is going to be a great look." The Devil was all too happy to change the subject.
"He's right. It will raise questions. Plus, we don't want anything detracting from the message and from your incredible outfit- make sure you say you're wearing a Velvette original." The Overlord was on her phone again. "I am thinking we have horns and tail out, it reads: powerful bitch you don't want to fuck with. Also, hair," she showed Charlie her screen. "You love it, right?"
"That is really pretty." Charlie's eyes lit up as she saw the style. Velvette pressed a button and suddenly Charlie's hair was done up in a stunning updo with intricate jeweled details.
"Horns and tail out, come on." Velvette tapped her foot. Charlie closed her eyes, her horns rose from her skull, her tail seemed to find its way free of the glistening fabric. "There you go, now that is a future queen."
"Thank you, Velvette." Charlie pulled out her own phone to look at herself in the camera. She quickly put it away before putting her hand on the Overlord's shoulder. "Thank you for the outfit and thank you for not leaving me with that monster." Lucifer felt the gratitude was unnecessary as Charlie housed and fed Velvette, and the Devil assumed that the fashionista simply couldn't escape.
"If you died, it would look like I did it. And that is not the kind of publicity I want right now." Velvette cleared her throat, looking indignant. "But you still owe me."
"You helped keep my daughter safe. And for that, you have my gratitude." The Muppet patted Velvette on the back, standing to her other side. Velvette blinked.
"You are a puppet."
"No, I'm the King of Hell." The puppet pointed in Lucifer's direction. "That's the puppet, taking care of Adam because I didn't want him messing up Charlie's floor."
"Actually, Princess, can we use him to star in Muppet Murders? This would mean we don't need to pay a puppeteer." Velvette turned to Charlie. The Princess narrowed her eyes."
"But you would still need to pay him. He's a person."
"He's a puppet." Velvette replied dryly.
"I'm the king, actually." The puppet added in the most unhelpful of ways.
"So... where are we sending the doctor? I don't mean to interrupt, but, he's texting me." Michael spoke up. It was fine. Lucifer doubted that this would be the time in which the puppet realized it's true identity.
"You shouldn't stay here until we finish cleaning this place out." Lucifer wasn't going to take any risk when it came to his (not some felt-faced wanna be king's) daughter. "You should bring all of your patrons to my place." It was warded, it would pretty much be the safest place imaginable. "Except Alastor, because- in short- fuck that guy."
"Dad." Charlie heaved a sigh.
"Okay, fine. But he stays in the basement. And Adam and Neo are off limits to kill." Instinctively, Lucifer pulled Adam in a little closer. "They are employees."
"Ugh, just drop a thousand more fucking mouths to feed on me this late in the day. It's fine." Adam threw an arm up in exasperation, nearly smacking Lucifer in the face.
"You are not cooking." The Devil spoke firmly on the matter. Velvette looked back at the delectable waffles which even Charlie had been munching on during breaks in the conversation, then back at Adam.
"I feel like he should cook though."
"He can barely stand up!" Lucifer countered. Velvette seemed unconvinced by the Devil's clear use of logic.
"Yes, but have you tried his waffles?"
"I have. He is literally my cook. But he needs to rest." It was a little strange for the King of Hell to be so defensive of a man he- for all intents and purposes- hated. But Adam looked so... weary. (Lucifer would say 'pale' but to be fair it was impossible to tell as Adam looked like an unfinished coloring page.) "We will have food though, crabapple, don't worry."
"Are you sure you don't mind having my patrons stay over?" Charlie looked unsure of the offer. "I know the house is big enough, but..." Lucifer gave her a reassuring smile.
"Everyone but the grinning prick with the weird haircut!"
"I'm not leaving anyone out." Charlie's face fell. The Devil sighed. He really hated that tall, red asshole with the strange sounding voice. He knew that monster was manipulating his daughter for his own, twisted reasons. But he couldn't force Charlie to see that. He just had to put his faith in his baby girl to make the right choices. It was hard, but he believed in her more than he believed in himself.
"Fine. Everyone can stay. Just keep the short weird one away from Adam and Neo." The last thing Lucifer needed was Adam having some kind of war flashback. He would just keep Adam in their room- or well... in his room that Adam shared. He would just need to make it very clear that the room was off limits.
"Are you talking about Niffty or Mimzy?" Velvette squinted at the Devil. "That description could really go either way."
"Honestly? Both." Lucifer forgot that there was a second small statured Sinner. But either Adam got stabbed, or Adam got roped into listening to a pitch for a pyramid scheme. Neither of those scenarios was ideal.
"Right, well, it will be a good look to see you returning to the mansion in style after such an amazing announcement. I think this will work." Velvette put a hand on her hip, looking Charlie up and down. "Oh, yeah, this is bloody perfect. You are gonna be top news. Vox and I have everything planned for you, just try not to fuck up like you did at Val's studio that one time." The puppet took an angry step in front of Charlie.
"My daughter never fucks up!"
"Thank you, puppet-dad." Charlie patted him on the top of his top hat. Lucifer would also have stepped in but the puppet was closer.
"I assume you two are going to be handling... all of this?" Velvette gestured to Adam and the Muppet as she looked to Lucifer and Michael for confirmation. "Having a puppet will just make this whole thing look like a publicity stunt for Muppet Murders, and I think you can guess why we don't want him around." Her eyes narrowed at Adam. "Though angel boy can still show up as a cameo if he's willing to get murdered."
"If it'll help Charlie-" Michael was far too agreeable to the idea of an on-screen death in front of Hell. Charlie shook her head.
"Uncle Michael, no."
"Then let's get our asses in gear." Velvette clapped her hands. "We are burning Primetime! You have to win over Hell and blow up a building." She started ushering Charlie out of the door. Lucifer started to follow, but he knew he had to return Adam home first. That- and he needed to be sure the puppet wasn't going to ruin his daughter's big moment. Seeing her all dressed up in regal clothing, it set in just how much she had grown from the little ball of life that he had painstakingly sculpted over years to perfection. She had more than exceeded even the Devil's greatest dreams. Hell was going to love her.
"We'll be watching your speech." Lucifer used his magic to make a copy of himself to keep holding Adam while he ran up and hugged his daughter. "Tell them the good news, Jonagold, tell the Sinners that it's over."
"And tell them we are very sorry." Michael added helpfully. Velvette held up her hand in the Archangel's direction.
"Don't do that."
"Wish me luck!" It was obvious that Charlie was nervous. Lucifer was fairly certain this would somehow result in a song. Charlie always sang when she was nervous. Or happy. Or excited. Or even sad. Lucifer hovered a bit so he could put a hand to his daughter's rosy cheek.
"You don't need luck, my Honeycrisp. You are a Morningstar."
"I love you." Charlie smiled at him, taking the Devil into her arms and squeezing him tightly. "I'm going to make you proud."
"You always do." Lucifer hugged her. She was still his everything. Nothing he created in Heaven or on Earth was as perfect as his daughter.
"You have this, my little pineapple!" The puppet practically climbed Lucifer in order to headbutt Charlie in what the Devil could only assume was an attempt at a forehead kiss. Lucifer immediately tried to swat him away.
"A PINEAPPLE IS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FRUIT!"
"See you soon dad." Charlie giggled. "And puppet dad." She was too sweet. She even gave the puppet credit despite the fact that it was kind of an annoying show-off. "I'm ready Velvette." She released her father before turning away.
"Fucking finally!" Velvette let out a an obviously exaggerated groan. "Let's have you win the hearts of Hell, Princess." And with that, the two headed off. Lucifer rejoined with the copy he had made before it decided to gain sentience too. (There was enough of that bullshit to last a lifetime.) He shifted Adam in his arms.
"Well, come on puppet, let's head to the mansion."
"I'm not a puppet, puppet." The Muppet replied sounding annoyed. Michael quickly changed back into Virgil before following Lucifer out of the hotel.
"Do you want Adam to stay with me while Charlie's here? I understand needing to keep an eye on him."
"What? No." Lucifer of course, didn't want Adam staying in the room with him, but he was kind of used to it. And he didn't want Michael to see Adam in that confused state. The Archangel might scare him or something. "I already have his bed in there."
"We could make another-"
"I said it's fine, Michael." Lucifer snapped.
"My bed is already there, Michael." Adam reiterated. "Also, you tried to stab me. So... yeah, I'll take my chances with Lucifer."
"That was one time." Michael protested. Adam narrowed his eyes at the Archangel, his arms tightening around the Devil's neck.
"It was twice, actually. Once after the Shoggoth, and once after you found out about the Exterminations."
"Oh, yeah..." Michael nodded to himself. "I guess it was twice. But in my defense, the first time I didn't know you were still sentient."
"What was your excuse for the second time then?" Adam demanded, still shying away from the form of Virgil knowing just what lie beneath. Michael shrugged.
"I wasn't going to really stab you. I was just upset. The sword is a comfort item. It's my emotional sword-port, remember?"
Fortunately, the way back to the mansion was clear of Sinners. There really wasn't much going on due to the date. But soon, Lucifer had the feeling that the streets would be alive with the sounds of celebration. They reached the front door and were greeted by Syn who immediately began smacking Lucifer in the face.
"Adam just Adam has escaped!"
"You don't say." Lucifer lifted Adam up a little higher. Syn stopped, tilting her body down so the googly eyes rolled toward Adam.
"Good! I also messaged you. But you did not respond."
"I've been a little occupied." Lucifer started toward the couch again. He had to make sure the TV was on and ready so everyone could see Charlie's big moment.
"Good work, Syn!" The Muppet clapped its hands together softly. "You always do such a great job! Sorry I didn't reply. My phone seems to be a piece of cardboard with a picture of a phone on it." The Muppet pulled a flat picture of a phone from its pocket.
"That would make it difficult to answer, Second Master."
"He is not your Master, Syn. That's still me." Lucifer placed Adam on the couch before turning on the TV and switching through the channels until he saw one counting down to a big announcement. There was no way he was missing this.
"Eyyy! It's Boss and Puppet Boss!" Lysander came literally rolling into the room on a skateboard. Lucifer had to do a double take.
"Are you skateboarding in my fucking house!? Also," the Devil cleared his throat. "That is an imposter, not your boss."
"No skateboarding in the house, Lysander." The puppet put both hands on his hips, shaking its head. "Someone could get hurt."
"Only if they suck." Lysander retorted but obediently kicked the skateboard to the side flopping down in the chair. "Ooo, big announcement? Is it the Apocalypse? I feel like my dad woulda texted me about that one."
"More important." Lucifer shoved Adam to one side so he could sit on the couch in prime viewing position. "My daughter is going to be giving a speech."
"You mean my daughter." The puppet countered.
"I hope Neo is going to be able to get shit prepared for after this." Adam stretched out, his head resting partially on Lucifer as he tried to get comfortable. Lucifer thought briefly about throwing him off, but the First Man had been through a lot recently.
"For what?"
"We are having guests later." Lucifer explained. It would probably be for the best to let his staff know that they were expecting company. "Lysander, I want you on high alert. Especially when it comes to this synthetic sounding asshole in a suit-"
"You mean Vox?" Lysander tilted his head uncertainly.
"Him too, but, no, this guy is red." Lucifer recalled that Lysander had been absent the last time the others had visited.
"I do not mind helping if we need to get more rooms ready." Michael volunteered as he took a seat on the floor beside the couch, patiently waiting for the announcement to begin. There was the sound of wheels scraping on tile from behind them.
"Ah!"
"Careful!" The Muppet was the only one still standing as it sprang over the couch rather nimbly, which wasn't shocking as it didn't have bones. But what was surprising was that it managed to catch Neo in an almost dip like pose as a skateboard rolled toward the couch. Neo must have not seen it and tripped. (He did not have the best reaction time.)
"Lysander pick up your shit! You could have killed Neo!" Adam sat up abruptly. Lysander was also standing.
"Shit! Sorry Neo!" He ran and picked the board up off of the floor. "You okay there, mate?" Neo, honestly, looked more startled than anything else.
"Yes."
"Watch your step, angel. You don't want to Fall again." The puppet carefully pulled Neo back to his feet. Lucifer briefly tried to comprehend if a puppet had just used a pickup line on a mirror clone that was better than anything Lucifer had used since Lilith left.
"Thank you..."
"It's starting!" Michael drew their attention back to the screen as Charlie was under a glowing spotlight standing between Vox and Velvette, the tower behind her. Vaggie was visible on the camera, Lucifer could see her watching the Vees with skepticism.
"Charlie!"
"Shh!" Lucifer shushed everyone. He felt something heavy in his lap as Adam put his head back down, but he was focused on the screen.
"Princess Morningstar, we hear you are coming to us live, from the Extermination Clock, with a never before heard announcement." Vox was in full swing. His smile was disarming and borderline charming. Charlie looked nervous, but her eyes flashed to Vaggie, and she took a deep breath.
"That's right Vox. Things are changing here in Hell. This clock is symbolic of a time of fear, of mistrust, of death- it's a time that we are putting behind us once and for all." She sounded so regal, so confident. Velvette was right, Charlie looked like a Queen. "I have mentioned before that I was born here in Hell. The Sinners are my people. I love each and every one of you just as I love the Hellborns. And on the same day every year, Heaven would come... and we would be forced to flee, hide, or die. That day is today."
"But," Vox made a show of looking at the sky, "I notice a distinct lack of Exorcists here today. And you're out, with your Sinners, unafraid."
"I am, Vox. Because I am here to announce that the Morningstar Family has officially brought an end to the Exterminations. We are not going to stand aside while our people are slaughtered at the end of an angelic blade. It is time for a new era! One where Exterminations are a thing of the past and Redemption is our future! It can be done!"
"Can it? Find out by following my hashtag: #VelsRedemptionJourney as I live blog my experience staying at the Princess's experimental Redemption Resort!" Velvette plugging her own media wasn't shocking. Lucifer was really surprised it had taken this long.
"Wow! These are some big changes, Princess!" Vox was a much better TV host when he was helping Lucifer's family.
"They are, Vox. And to show I mean business, I'm going to make a point. To the Sinners, to Heaven, to everyone that things are going to change!" Charlie's eyes were glowing with passion. Lucifer felt hooked on every word. "This tower has been a symbol of fear for far too long! Today it is destroyed! And from the ashes: a new era of Hell will rise! SING WITH ME NOW-"
"Oh, she's singing." Velvette's face fell and Lucifer swore he saw Vox's eye twitch as Charlie launched into a full song. However, it was partially drowned out as the countdown clock went up in flames behind her. He could briefly see Angel and Cherri high fiving in front of the raging inferno. Charlie didn't even seem to notice.
She was right though.
This WAS the beginning of a new era for Hell.
And maybe...
Lucifer should take his daughter's advice.
If Hell was going to have a future. Changes needed to be made.
It was time to talk to the other Sins.