"Tell me about Pike." Joyce dried Buffy's wet face and guided her over to the couch and they sat down, as hard as this was for her, it was harder for Buffy, but all of this had been festering inside of her for a long time and it had to be dug out so she could start to heal and they might as well get it all out now so the wounds didn't have a chance to close over the infection again.
"He was a few years older then me and you already know he was a drop out."
"Both are reasons why I thought he was responsible for the change in your behavior, I thought he was into drugs or a gang or something."
"He was just a guy, nothing special." Buffy gazed passed her mother's shoulder seeing the past. "And then he found out vampires were real and I was the Slayer and they took his best friend and killed him and Pike staked him, himself. And he helped me fight Lothos and when the battle was over and Merrick was dead and I needed to get away from it all for awhile, he offered me a ride on his motorcycle and we left it all behind. Only it found us again and Pike tried to help someone and he died and I couldn't save him and I was all alone, so I came home and tried to tell you and Dad and you thought I was crazy and I felt like I was crazy. I didn't want him to be dead, he was my friend, he helped me and he tried to help someone else and he just died!"
"Why did you think that would happen to Xander too?"
"Because they're the same, Mom. Funny and goofy and cute and they staked their best friends and they both hated vampires and they both wanted to help me and just being around me could get people killed!"
"And yet you didn't object to Willow or Angel being involved."
"Angel couldn't die, Mom." Buffy said starkly. "I couldn't lose him, not like I lost Pike or could lose Xander and Willow was all for me and Angel and if Xander would just notice her he'd stop trying to help me and I wouldn't have to worry about him because Willow would keep him out of it."
"That's what you told yourself? Angel couldn't die, so you couldn't lose him and Willow would keep Xander from being involved at all?"
"Yes. I had this dream, Slayer's have dreams about the Slayers that came before us and we have portent dreams. Dreams full of symbolism, hidden meanings. Just before my birthday I had a dream that Drusilla, she was a vampire, anyway, I had a dream that she staked Angel, took him away from me. In the dream I saw Willow and Xander, only Xander was a monkey, dressed in a cute little outfit. Willow's pet."
"You think Willow sees him as a monkey, her pet, on a leash? And you somehow think that's a good thing?"
"If it kept him safe, out of trouble." Buffy shrugged.
"So you didn't have to worry about him dying or more more specifically, being killed trying to help you or someone else."
"Yes, we could keep him safe -."
"By treating him like a dumb animal." Joyce said bluntly. "Instead of a human who could make his own choices."
"But his choices are bad for him, he wouldn't have gotten possessed in the first place if he had just stayed away from those bullies!"
"What kind of person stands by and does nothing while someone's being bullied?"
"I could've taken care of it, it's my job -."
"To fight vampires, not bullies and you've said often enough you never asked to be the Slayer. You used to be a bully, yourself, Buffy. Did anyone ever stand up to you?"
"Pike did, before. Before I became the Slayer and it all fell apart and then he was my friend and he died."
"And you see parallels between him and Xander. Xander would have stood up to you if he saw you bullying someone else. But he didn't stand up for himself when you mistreated him. He takes care of others, but not himself. Maybe you're right and he will get hurt and maybe even die, but Buffy, he can't live with himself if he doesn't try and no one has the right to take his choices away from him. Including you. If you can't accept that fact, than I don't see you ever being friends or him forgiving you. You can't force what you want on him and you can't force him to change to make yourself feel better. But, being the Slayer has taught you to stand up for people and that's something Xander was already doing, long before he met you and something he'll keep doing with or without you in his life. He can't stand by and do nothing, it's not in him and if you try to force him to you'll lose him anyway, because he'll hate himself and you."
"How can I keep him from dying?"
"You can't, I'm sorry, Buffy. You don't have that power."
"Willow could die because of me, I was afraid of Xander dying, but it's Willow in the hospital, hurt, because of me. Xander's right to hate me."
"He doesn't hate you, Buffy. Of that I'm absolutely sure. He's angry, that's different. If you really want to be friends, acknowledge what you've done wrong, explain, ask forgiveness and get to know him, for real. And understand that, even with this seed of Magic in him, he's human and humans die."