"You can do this." Buffy mumbled, staring across the quad at the group lounging on the outdoor cafeteria tables. Xander and his group had pulled several tables together and were enjoying the Spring sunshine. Cordelia was leaning against a tree that one of the tables was pushed up to and Xander's head was in her lap as she ran her fingers through his hair and gossiped with Heidi and Rhonda. She actually seemed to like them, as opposed to tolerating the Cordettes she'd publicly dumped to date Xander. Tor and Kyle were quizzing Oz on guitars and managing to draw more than a few words out of the normally monosyllabic little werewolf and probably working to keep his mind off Willow in the hospital. Firming her resolve, Buffy walked steadily toward the group and knew by the tense way they were sitting and the side glances she was getting, that they were well aware she was approaching them. None of them had any reason to want to talk to her, but if she didn't say something now, it would just get harder until ultimately she'd probably decide it was easier to say nothing at all.
And she'd lose Xander's friendship permanently in that case and she'd decided, she didn't want to lose his friendship and not just because he kept saving her life, but because he made her life brighter by being a part of it and she spent enough time in the dark as it was.
"Xander, can I talk to you? It's important." She spoke directly to Xander and avoided looking at Oz, sooner or later she'd need to talk to him too. Her inability, her unwillingness to do anything about Angelus has led directly to Willow being hurt and Oz had just as much reason as Xander to hate her. But she could only deal with one problem at a time and the one with Xander had been going on for longer, since the day she'd met him actually.
"Why?" He didn't open his eyes or lift his head off of Cordelia's knees nor did she stop running her fingers through his hair, but she did pin Buffy with a look, studying and possibly judging her. Well, Cordelia judged everyone, it was her thing, so nothing new there.
"I need to...explain a few things. About me and Angel and why - I need - I just need a few minutes." Xander opened his eyes and studied her himself, before looking up at Cordelia. Their eyes met for a moment and Buffy wondered if Cordelia was also feeling Xander's emotions, the way the kids he'd accidentally shared his seed of Magic with did. After a minute Xander sat up.
"It's been a week since I asked you not to talk to me, while I try to deal with everything that's happened. I don't know if I'm at a point where I can talk to you without getting really angry, Buffy. Is whatever you want to talk about really important?"
"Mom thinks it is, she made me tell her everything and we talked about a lot of things and she said you deserve to know - to understand why."
"Why you let a monster around Willow?" Oz asked stonily. "Why you refused to stop the monster after he threatened her?"
"Explain why I didn't want to see him as a monster, why I thought I needed him in my life."
"Is your explanation ever going to include an apology?" Oz was still refusing to look directly at her and Buffy suddenly felt a frisson of fear down her spine as she realized Oz was battling the wolf within, working to keep it from tearing her apart. The others had gone silent and each placed a hand on him, Xander included, helping him keep control. Maybe it wasn't just Xander's emotions they were feeling, but all of each others as well.
"Willow - Willow should hear it first." Buffy answered.
"As long as you mean it." Oz growled.
"I will - I mean I do, mean it. I feel bad about all of it."
"Good." The little werewolf snarled. "Now you know how the rest of us feel." Buffy flinched, feeling like he'd hit her, but really, she couldn't blame him, when she'd let Angelus go, people had died. How many she'd never know, Willow and Xander's parents had been the last ones, not the first ones to suffer because of that decision. At the time she'd seen only her own pain, now other people's was being shoved in her face and she couldn't look away, she owed it to them to acknowledge the pain her choices had caused.
Xander stood up. "Aright, Buffy, I'll hear what you have to say." Xander walked stiffly away from the group to give Buffy some privacy, as much as was possible given that at least four of those six people could feel his emotions and would know how he was reacting to whatever Buffy wanted to talk about. "Well?" Xander said impatiently after Buffy didn't say anything. "You wanted to talk, Slayer, now talk." Another flinch as he used her title instead of her name.
Slowly, halting, she began to explain. Telling about Pike, his friendship, his help, him staking his best friend, him dying. The similarities between the two of them, the need to protect Xander so he didn't end up like Pike. The reason she'd allowed herself to love Angel, because he couldn't die on her. All of it. She poured it out and he listened to every word in silence and when she was done he said. "Anything else?"
"I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Please be my friend again."