"You want us to be friends again?" Xander asked, searching her face looking for - something, she didn't know what.
"Yes." She smiled and it was shakey, but genuine. "I miss you, Xander."
"And what exactly do you miss about me?" He asked, as though he was asking about the weather.
"I - uh - well, you make jokes and help - uh - me." She stumbled.
"I do research into the demon of the week, I get the donuts, 'cause you never ask anyone else to get them. And I pay for them because no one ever offers to help pay for them." Xander ticked off ways he helped her. "I wear the puffy suit so you can spend ten minutes training and tell Giles you did something so it's not a lie. And act like I'm a teddy bear when you feel bad. Or make me feel lower than a bug when you're feeling pissy. Is that what you mean by helping you?" He asked politely and Buffy frowned, trying to understand why he was saying these things and okay, yeah, they were true, but she'd explained to him why she'd acted like that, so he should understand, right?
"I told you why I treated you like that." She reminded him.
"Yes, because I remind you of a guy who also helped you out and died while helping someone else out. You think it's your fault he died because he wouldn't have tried to help that person if you hadn't somehow inspired him to help people. And it never occured to you that he might have helped that person anyway and probably helped people long before he ever met you."
"Well, that's not exactly what I meant -." Buffy was confused, this conversation wasn't going at all like she thought it would and she wasn't sure where it got off track.
"You thought you could save me from dying if you treated me badly." Xander continued, still acting like they were talking about the weather. "That if you could convince me to let Willow control me, I'd somehow be safe. A dancing monkey." Her dream image, yes, she remembered. "A pet, taken out to entertain and safely locked away when not wanted for entertainment. Not a human, able to make his own choices because I'm not smart enough to make my own choices, right? Yeah, I'm aware that Willow sees me like that and claims it's because she loves me. I love Willow too, as family and I will protect her, I have for years from bullies. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when she manages to convince herself I'm not taking the same classes she is and passing them." Buffy blinked and frowned again, Willow was a genius, didn't she take advanced courses, aside from the generals? How could Xander take the same classes she took, he wasn't a genius.
"I suppose I do help you out by watching your back, make sure no one sneaks up on you while you're dealing with a demon. When I manage to kill anything that does sneak up on you or attack you when you're distracted. Like the vampire Angelus made out of our classmate, Theresa. Not the first time I saved you. Also not the first time you acted like you might have wanted something else from me, like a kiss. To make yourself feel better because someone else hurt your feelings."
"Maybe, yeah, but you have to understand how I was feeling -."
"You feel bad so you make me feel bad. That's not friendship, Buffy and neither is using me to make Angel jealous. Did you know he was so pissed over you trying to make him jealous that he nearly got me killed? Angel, not Angelus. And he wouldn't have cared if I died. I understand your feelings, Buffy. I can understand you wanting to keep people safe, I can understand that I remind you of someone else. I can even understand you using me to make yourself feel better. After all I'm a dancing monkey and it's my job to entertain you, right?"
"That's not what I meant -, it was a metaphor. I just wanted you safe, Xander, so you didn't die trying to help me!"
"Is it okay if I die helping someone else? Or wait, no, it's not. Your friend, Pike, he died helping someone else and somehow it was your fault because you inspired him? Except he'd helped people before he met you and that had absolutely nothing to do with you. I helped people long before I ever met you too and that had absolutely nothing to do with you either. I live in Sunnydale, Buffy. Home of the Hellmouth, given how many people I started kindergarten with who died or simply disappeared over the years, it's a damn miracle any of us are still alive and that has nothing to do with you. Not everything is about you, Buffy and it's arrogant of you to imagine it does. But here is what is about you. You treat me like crap and expect me to take it, you can't be bothered to thank me for anything I do for you. You use me and expect me to just accept it and now you tell me it was all because I remind you of another guy and again, you expect me to just accept it."
"I just want everything to be alright, for us to be friends again."
"For us to be friends again, we would have had to be friends in the first place, Buffy. We're not friends, we never were and if you ever expect that to change, then you have to actually be a friend. No more using me to make yourself feel better, no more of any of it, Buffy. You want to be friends, prove it. Until then we have nothing to talk about."