A/N: Soooooo I wanted to post yesterday but FFN wouldn't let me upload chapters, alas, so here is chapter five a day late.
TW: Talking about past trauma.
Chapter 5
Conversations
Hogwarts Castle
September 1, 2000
The weeks passed quickly, and I spoke with Severus casually over meals and spent most of my time setting up my curriculum and working out lesson plans. I also became familiar with the magical creatures I would be working with; we had a fantastic thestral herd, several unicorns, two nests of nifflers, a small flight of hippogriffs, and other various creatures. I also met Orum, the centaur, who had taken over the groundskeeper duties. He was formal and aloof but courteous when I asked my questions.
By the time September 1st rolled around, I had settled into everything and had not had another seizure, so I felt supremely confident about dealing with my future students. I had set up a classroom in an unused large stone outbuilding by Greenhouse 3. Part of the roof created a spacious overhang, which would be great for days when we could work outside.
Having all of this set up the day before the first, I had too much energy as I waited for the children to arrive. Deciding to use it, I began to bake, it was something I did when anxious, and doing something physical helped the time to pass. I started after breakfast and worked through lunch. I made dark chocolate brownies, snickerdoodle cookies, a dark chocolate peanut butter cheesecake, and blueberry and banana nut muffins. By the time I pulled out the second batch of banana nut muffins, the sun was setting, and I needed to prepare for the feast.
I dressed in dark green robes embroidered in gold; it reminded me of something a medieval maiden would wear. Most of my robes were from America and more modern, but I had made a second trip to Diagon Alley to purchase some more conservative robes. However, I refused to buy the loose ones that looked like Muggle graduation robes. Instead, I found ones that had a fitted bodice and reminded me of the spicy medieval romance books I read. I was told it was very proper, so I bought different patterns, colors, and styles. I enjoyed putting them away in my closet and buying cloaks and teaching robes to go with them; it was one of the first times I found clothing that made me feel pretty despite what others said about my weight.
I used a spell to neaten my hair and to set the makeup I carefully applied. Taking a breath, I headed for the door, baked goods secured and shrunken in my pocket. I donned a sable cloak and the matching velvet gold-trimmed witch's hat required during feasts. Just as I was about to open the door, a knock came, and cracking it, I saw Aunt Minnie on my stoop. Looking me up and down, she beamed, wordlessly, she twirled her finger. I giggled and spun slowly, showing off my outfit as I had done when I was a child.
"You look splendid, my darling, and do I smell dark chocolate, been baking, hmm?" I chuckled and gestured for her to enter.
"I was nervous, and you know how much baking helps. I made double dark chocolate gooey brownies, dark chocolate peanut butter cheesecake, and cookies, the muffins I'm keeping." Aunt Minerva chuckled.
"Well, if you are sharing, I'll take a couple of slices of cheesecake. We have an area in the staff room where we place food or baked goods we want to share. Poppy makes excellent stews, Pamona has her salads, and Filius brings goblin dishes, which are quite good. If you wish to get on their good side, chocolate and alcohol are your surest weapons." I laughed.
"Do you want me to brew tea, Aunt Minnie?" She shook her head.
"No, I just wanted to walk you to the great hall for your first feast."
"Well, then, let's be off." Aun Minnie turned and walked out the door. I followed and closed the rounded door quietly. We were walking for a minute when she spoke up.
"I was wondering how you were feeling, any more seizures after the last?" I shook my head, then answered her.
"No, I've been taking my meds, however little they help, I'm very grateful Severus was there to help me."
"I am, too. He seems to have warmed up to you a great deal." Startled and shocked, I stopped.
"He's warmed up? We hadn't really had a deep conversation since that day in Hogsmeade. Honestly, Aunty Minnie, I thought he didn't care; he doesn't show much outward emotion." Minerva chuckled, shaking her head.
"Ah, if you knew him as long as I have, you would see it. For one thing, you don't treat him like everyone else does. You are patient and listen to him when he has something to say. You also don't push him in the morning, and you apologized to him; he has rarely experienced that." I started walking beside her, mulling over what she had said.
"How do I proceed? I've made overtures to everyone else, but they were kind but seemed to be occupied with their friendships with each other." Minnie hummed.
"It's hard for them; the last new professors were Granger and Longbottom, and they knew the two as students. They will warm up after a bit, especially once a hard day comes, alcohol and baked goods are the great equalizers." I couldn't help myself, I let out a full-throated laugh, it echoed off of the castle walls, Minnie joined in her sweet laughter, lightening the remainder of my anxiety.
"So then just give it time and liberal applications of liqueur." Minnie barked a laugh.
"Yes, and while you wait, why not get to know Severus better?" Her sideways look and sly grin made me blush; I was grateful for the dim light.
"Aunty, he probably doesn't even think of me like that, and staff aren't supposed to fraternize with each other." Aunty snorted.
"Poppycock to that, there is nothing in the rules that states staff are not allowed to court or marry each other. Staff in the past have been married during their tenure here." I gaped, my pace slowing, then shook my head.
"Even with that, he couldn't think of me in that way." Aunt Minnie halted and stopped me with a hand.
"Who told you that you couldn't be loved like that?" I felt like she punched me in the stomach.
"I, Aunty, we don't have time-" She glared at me, it was softened with concern, but firm nonetheless.
"We have time, Astrea, we have time for this." I glanced around. We were in a dimly lit corridor that led to a door that let out onto the slightly raised dais where the staff table sat. There was no one within eyesight, so I gave in.
"No one had to, Aunty. My three failed relationships made that perfectly obvious. I've been single for five years, and I tried gods, I tried to find someone. I don't know if it's the weight or my disability; I've been called a burden by two of the three, so maybe that's it. So just because Severus was kind to me does not mean he is interested in me romantically." I started off quietly, but by the middle of my rant, I was shouting and pacing, the anger drained, and I spoke the last bit flatly.
"Astrea, you are deserving of love, and I believe mother magic will bring you to a man who will love all of you. I apologize for pushing the subject. I just worry about you, but that is no excuse to get you worked up like this." I carefully wiped a tear away throat tight.
"It's okay, Aunty Minnie, I know you mean well, it's just been so hard to hope for much when it comes to happiness for me. Honestly, I'm happy with just this: I have a job I believe I will enjoy and a roof over my head. I didn't have that or hope two weeks ago." I took a breath and steadied myself, then looked at my Aunt. "I'm so grateful to you, no one, no one has ever taken care of me since before mom remarried." My voice broke, and the tears escaped to roll down my cheeks. Minnie pulled me into a hard hug; it lasted until we heard sounds coming from the other side of the wall. I pulled away first and conjured a handkerchief, dabbed my eyes and cheeks, and then blew my nose with it.
"Rea, if I had known, I'd have come and swept you up myself; no child should have gone through what you did." I chuckled wetly then blew my nose again.
"I know you would have Aunty Min, but we can't change the past. I would rather enjoy this time with you and create better memories now than think about the past." Minnie sniffed and blew her nose. She smiled and patted my hand.
"Then let us create another tonight." I smiled, my spirits rising at her words. I heard someone coming from behind us and looked back. Severus was there. For a moment, I worried he had overheard us, but from his neutral face, I couldn't tell.
"Good evening, headmistress, could I speak with Astrea for a moment?" Minnie flashed me a wicked smirk and stepped back.
"Of course, don't take too long. The first years should be ready for sorting soon." She opened the door and swiftly closed it, cutting off the noise of many young voices. Part of me wondered if I was ready to take on a full load of students, but it was too late now; my attention was turned to Severus when he cleared his throat. Looking up at him, it still surprised me how tall he was; he looked particularly sharp tonight in deep, velvety black, his hair shining in the torchlight.
"I have assembled all the necessary ingredients for the potion I spoke of; it will take me a month to brew it, but it should result in a three-month supply for you." My mouth gaped in surprise, I hadn't expected him to even revisit this topic, let alone gather the ingredients.
"Oh, Severus, thank you, thank you so much, I didn't expect you to actually brew the potion for me. Like I said, I know how expensive it is, may I pay you?" He frowned.
"No, you may not." His retort was harsh, and I took a step back. He put out a hand, and the other hand ran through his hair. "I apologize, Astrea, please, I wish to make this potion for you, I wish to help you in any manner that I can." I stepped closer and tentatively took his hand. My stomach was all a flutter, and it felt as if my heart was beating its way out of my rib cage. He gently pulled me closer, gazing down at me. "Will you let me?" I hummed, my mind taken up with the scent and sight of him, not able to process much else. "Will you let me help you, Astrea?" His voice had deepened and was more of a husky murmur.
"Yes…Severus." I felt drunk on his scent; I swayed slightly, and his other hand gently took my elbow, steadying me. His face was bending to mine for what purpose my mind didn't know when we heard the tramping of many feet in the hallway.
The moment broke, and I found Severus guiding me into the great hall and seating me before I could work out what was going on. He had been about to kiss me, but my logical brain insisted he had just been checking me over in case I was about to have a seizure. I convinced myself of this by the time the first years trooped in to be sorted.
By then, I was busy looking at the hall; it was splendid and breathtaking. All the candles were lit, and the star-strewn sky hung above them. The feast itself passed in a blur, with Severus next to me, murmuring in my ear and suggesting new dishes. Although I was enjoying it, I was anticipating the end; I needed to go home and mull over my last interaction with Severus. Once the students were filing out, I stood, and Severus was right there, pulling out the seat and cupping my elbow. I smiled up at him in thanks, then moved away, not wanting to crowd him.
"Would you care for an escort back to your cottage?" I looked up surprised.
"Thank you. I'm visiting the staff room first. I baked today and wanted to drop off the results."
"Oh, you bake? I have a delightful recipe for strawberry tarts." Pamona was there beside me, and Severus turned away, his face once more cold. I felt torn, I wanted to reassure Severus, but it was polite to reply to Pamona.
"I'd love to trade recipes when we have a moment." Pamona beamed.
"That would be lovely, dear, oh, I must help young Neville with the students. Have a good night, deary, and to you, Severus." She left, and I turned to find that Severus had vanished. No matter what, I would just leave his brownies for him at his office. Determined to run both errands and not think too hard about the encounter with Severus, I strode from the hall.
A/N: Thank you for reading. If you have time to review, I'd love to know what you think. Cheers!