The weeks passed by and slowly, Kikyo was able to piece together the woman that she once was. It was not a smooth course and some days were better than others. She found that she was plagued by nightmares of Naraku, of him reaching for her from within the darkness of her mind, eternally seeking her out. She tried to avoid sleeping so that she would not disturb the others with her screams and moans of fright. She didn't really need to sleep like a human did, but it was difficult not to rest when she was surrounded by humans all with the same need.
Sometimes a lethargy wove itself into Kikyo's bones, making every movement feel heavy and pointless. Kikyo tried to start introducing small, useful tasks into her day. Slowly, the comforting familiarity of her old routine, when she was alive, began to break some of her despondent inertia.
She began to wash her borrowed priestess garments in the waterfall near the hut, The magnificent kimono Sesshomaru had brought her in lay carefully folded in the corner. It was not a day to day dress for life in the village, but at night Kikyo would take it to bed with her and run her fingers along the intricate fabric, thinking endlessly of the dog demon.
Kikyo would help with cooking for the others, measuring bags of rice and heating water. On some evenings, she would allow Rin to brush her long, raven black hair and to style it, something the girl seemed to enjoy doing. Rin's company was like a balm to Kikyo most of the time, but she would often talk about their future, about returning home together to be with Sesshomaru.
Kikyo would say nothing to this, her heart simmering with anxiety at the prospect. On most days, Kikyo could feel a strong demonic presence near or in the village. Sesshomaru.
She longed to see him, she missed him terribly. But she was also frightened of what would be said when they were finally reunited. Frightened of what Naraku and Natsu had done to them.
The few weeks that dragged by were a source of agitation and frustration for Sesshomaru. Relinquishing Kikyo to Kagome's care had stung immensely. He had not fully realised that he had had an expectation, a hope of how this rescue of Kikyo would unfold. He had envisioned that he would stride in, the lone hero, defeat Naraku and ride off into the sunset with a conscious and grateful Kikyo in his arms. With the priestess more in love with him than ever.
The reality and the truth of what had happened had been vastly different from his idyllic assumption. Everything had slid so far beyond his understanding.
Sesshomaru was determined to see Kikyo as soon as she woke up…if she woke up. Her continuous unconsciousness hurt Sesshomaru. Surely he, her lover and her saviour, should be able to break whatever spell was suffocating her now?
Kikyo had opened her eyes, had seen him, why had his presence not registered with her?
He had wanted to feel the satisfaction of being wholly triumphant, now he just felt inadequate, unable to help the woman he had fought so desperately to save. He was hell bent on getting her back home, frantic to know how she was faring.
Once his leg and the bitemarks on his back had healed, Sesshomaru was determined to travel to Inuyasha's village every day in the hopes of seeing Kikyo. Even in death Naraku was taunting him, taking him further away from what he wanted. He would not be surprised if Naraku was laughing at him from the depths of hell.
Once fully recovered, Sesshomaru gave Inuyasha's village his full attention. He would arrive around dawn and wait for some update. He left Jaken in charge of his now peaceful and quiet castle. Rin had opted to remain in the village and help care for Kikyo. He wanted to see his daughter as well, but was concerned that any downward turn in Kikyo's illness would strike his heart savagely, something he did not feel Rin should witness. She was too young to question about Kikyo, so he focused on dogging the adults instead.
Kagome was the one who most frequently spoke to him; again and again she would tell him Kikyo was not ready, that he could not see her. But Sesshomaru was undeterred and still made the journey every morning.
After weeks of this, weeks that seemed like years. The news of Kikyo's state of catatonia changed. He stood on the outskirts of the village as he always did, waiting for some acknowledgement.
As usual, Kagome eventually came out to greet him. His heart was always wrenched momentarily when he saw her, she really did look like Kikyo from a distance.
A strong, promising sun beat down on them that morning, thawing the residue and the chill of the last dregs of the winter. Spring was around the corner, encouraged with each passing day.
A ready smile was waiting for him on Kagome's face. He had wondered during these past few weeks of conversation with her, what she could possibly be so happy about all the time. Surely some of her days were at least a bit gloomy? But she wore the same grin no matter what, apparently.
Her sunny disposition vexed Sesshomaru, especially when he was so agitated, and he loathed a garrulous exchange.
"Sesshomaru! You're here early today," she said in a pleasant voice, "how are you?"
Sesshomaru ignored this question about his wellbeing. Life without Kikyo was grim and confusing, but he was not about to go into that with Kagome.
"How is she?" he asked pointedly, hiding the trepidation and anxiety he always felt at what her answer might be. He steeled himself for Kagome to look worried, but he was relieved when her smile widened.
"She's better, she's getting better every day. She's awake now and has started to get up sometimes. I can't believe how well she's doing, considering everything she's been through."
Sesshomarus heart squeezed and lifted with sudden hope. Would the Kikyo he knew be able to return to him? It had been weeks since he had laid eyes on her. Weeks of not knowing, of wondering what she was going through. Finally, it would come to an end. Now she awake, he could have her back.
Sesshomaru was no longer looking at Kagome, but at the far off hut in the distance, he took in the smoke rising from the roof, the wood and mortar that was hiding the priestess from his golden gaze. "I will see her now," Sesshomaru informed Kagome, skirting past her and heading for the hut.
But Kagome ran after him and stood in his way, her expression a mixture of awkwardness and reluctance.
"Wait! I'm sorry, but….but you can't see her," Kagome stammered, her cheeks turning red.
Sesshomaru stopped in his tracks, giving the girl a stony gaze. "Why?" he said laconically. Kagome fidgeted before him, apparently trying to find the right words for whatever it was that was troubling her. What irksome obstacle was in his way now?
"I…well…Kikyo, she mentioned to me…about Naraku having a mirror. In it he- he showed her you..with a demoness…I'm not sure who she means exactly…" Kagome babbled quickly, her face cringing.
Sesshomaru stared at Kagome for several seconds, a mild bafflement visibly flitting across his face. Then it hit him. His brief, infuriating moments with Natsu. Naraku had been watching him. The villain had spied on him, and used what he had seen to try and turn Kikyo against him. If Naraku had shown Kikyo their kiss, perhaps it had served to torment her further, maybe she believed that he did not care about her.
Sesshomaru closed his eyes in silent fury. Naraku: even from beyond the grave, he was still ruining their lives with his deceit. Sesshomaru had taken it for granted that Kagome had dissuaded him from seeing Kikyo in the flesh. Now he understood why.
And after all of his efforts, all the carnage and cruelty to save her…he could barely contain his outrage.
His eyes flashed dangerously. "So this is why I haven't seen her?" Sesshomaru spat. He made a move to get around Kagome, but she scooted back into his path.
"Shes just fragile right now!" Kagome said in a pleading voice. Sesshomaru looked more incensed than ever, his slim, silver eyebrows drawn into a tight, angry line. Kagome had rarely seen Sesshomaru look in such a barely controlled temper. "Talk to me, Sesshomaru. Tell me what you're thinking."
Sesshomaru intended to not answer her, but words burst from him unexpectedly in exasperation. "Have I not given everything to make Kikyo safe? Have I not risked all to save her? Now I have to deal with this foolishness?" he had not meant to shout, but his voice had risen to a bark.
Kagome looked terrified. "I'm sorry Sesshomaru, I'm sorry!" Kagome squeaked, her eyes wide and her hands clutched together in distress.
The two stood quietly for a moment. Sesshomaru had no idea how to proceed. Should he ignore Kagome- just go in and speak to Kikyo? Would that make things better or worse? Sesshomaru stared at the hut behind them, so tantalisingly close.
Kagome watched Sesshomaru agonise, a sad look on her face. "Sesshomaru…if you really love Kikyo, and I think you do, you need to tell her."
Sesshomaru glanced at Kagome, searching her fervent expression. Tell Kikyo he loved her? Actually verbally say it? He had never, ever told anyone that he loved them. Not Rin, not his father, not his mother. No one, it was not his way.
And surely, after all he had accomplished for her, surely Kikyo knew how he felt.
"I don't say that," Sesshomaru said impatiently.
Kagome's look was a little too understanding, too full of sympathy. "I know. But right now…I know I told you that Kikyo is getting better, but she's still broken. I think the reason she hasn't sought you out yet is because she's afraid to, afraid of what this demoness is to you. One step backward could be one step too far for her. But if you want her, she needs to know, really know what she means to you. She needs to hear how you feel…I think she's started bathing by the waterfall each morning now. She told me she used to go there when she was alive," Kagome told him, before turning and walking back into the village.
Sesshomaru watched her go, thinking hard. The conversation had been irritatingly nosy, and he despised others knowing his business. But Sesshomaru believed that Kagome was, in her own rather bossy way, trying to help him.
She had highlighted a simple way that Sesshomaru could speak to Kikyo in private to confess his love. A simple way, but with an action that would be completely out of character for him. Kagome had divulged that he could speak to Kikyo in private by the waterfall to say those three precious words.
Sesshomaru gazed at the hut, a glint of longing in his eyes. Should he heed Kagome's words? Kagome knew more about human interaction than he did, and she was Kikyo's reincarnation.
Reluctantly, Sesshomaru rose into the air, preparing to head back towards his castle.
Tomorrow, he would summon up his resolve and tell Kikyo what she needed to hear.
The rushing sound of the waterfall gurgled in Sesshomaru's ears, echoing the turbulent, mixed feelings that churned inside him.
Sesshomaru stood on the wet rocks above the waterfall. Unbeknownst to Sesshomaru, he was standing precisely where Inuyasha had stood, many years ago, when he had watched over Kikyo.
He had begun his sentinel before dawn, concerned that if he waited too long he would miss her, and in a way he wanted this conversation over with, the very thought of it occurring rattled him. He had made the decision to heed Kagome's advice.
He was ashamed to admit it to himself, but his nerves were jangled. If he admitted his feelings in the way Kagome had advised him to, but had done so before Kikyo had been taken by Naraku, he would be more confident of a positive response. Now, after she had been traumatised and tormented, what answer would he find? Could he even go through with this?
Sesshomaru's chest constricted when he saw Kikyo leave the hut and make her way to the waters edge. He could recognise her dark, flowing hair a mile off.
Kikyo was carrying what looked to be a small wooden bucket. She was not wearing her usual priestess garb, nor the exquisite kimono he had brought her in. She was wearing a very thin, white kimono, used for washing.
The water must have been freezing, but Kikyo waded into the rippling water without a single shiver. She swam a few slow, smooth lengths before hoisting herself back onto the rocks, her hair dripping. She sat by the waters edge, filling her bucket with water and splashing it onto her hair and shoulders.
His time had come to speak to her.
Sesshomaru made his way down to the lake below, jumping silently from rock to jutting rock. He moved swiftly, like a silver shadow. His heart felt like it was stuck in his throat already.
Sesshomaru knew Kikyo could sense demonic auras, did she know he was here? If she did, she did not react to his approach.
Her back was facing him as he stalked forward. Sesshomaru could see tiny drops of water glistening on the surface of her hair, like diamonds. To see her up and moving around after weeks of desperately wishing for it seemed like a miracle. He watched quietly for a moment as she poured more water over herself.
What should the say to her? What could he say that would convince her to come with him?
He dawdled long enough behind her that Kikyo eventually stiffened, realising someone was behind her. She turned to regard Sesshomaru, looking surprised. The rising sun made her eyes glow with an amber light. Kikyo was sopping wet, with runnels of water dripping down her hair and skin. Her thin, bathing kimono clung to her body, semi revealing the pale skin underneath. All of these factors of her beauty were distracting for Sesshomaru, who for a moment could do little more than gawp at her.
Kikyo moved away from the waters edge, rising gracefully. She took a few steps towards Sesshomaru, staring at him like he was a mirage that might disappear. He longed to take her in his arms, hold her close and never let her go again. His heart banged in his chest like a drum.
"Sesshomaru…" Kikyo said softly, her eyes wide.
"Kikyo, are you well?" Sesshomaru's words tumbled out of his mouth without much thought.
Half veiled pain alighted on Kikyo's face, pain that she tried to hide quickly with a neutral expression. Sesshomaru cursed his ineptitude at conversation, especially at a time like this. Of course she was not well, she had been kidnapped by Naraku and only recently woke up from a catatonic state. How could he be such a fool?
"Are you feeling better?" he rephrased hurriedly. Some of the grimness in Kikyo's countenance lifted.
"I'm fine," she said equally quickly. "I …I wanted to thank you for everything you've done for me. For finding me. For killing…him."
Pain once again etched itself upon her features. Sesshomaru remembered that for a brief moment before dying, Naraku had boasted about all that he had done to Kikyo, terrible crimes uttered with his dying breath. But Sesshomaru would speak none of his evil here.
"He can never hurt you again Kikyo. That I can promise you." He said firmly, wanting more than anything to make her feel safe.
Kikyo nodded. A patchy cloud had stretched its fingers out towards the morning sun, trying to engulf it in a pale grey. Kikyo shivered as clouds blotted out the sun.
"I'm glad you're not hurt," she said quietly, hugging her slim, quivering figure. Sesshomaru could barely contain the urge to enfold his arms around her. And he would get his wish, but the nonsense over Natsu needed to be cleared up first.
Sesshomaru tentatively made his way towards Kikyo, until he was right in front of her. If she had flinched away from him or looked alarmed at his approach, he could not have borne it. But she just looked up at him with eyes tinged with sadness and longing.
"I want you to come back with me to the castle," he told her emphatically. Kikyo looked away from him, avoiding his intense gaze.
"Why? Because of Rin? She is nearly a woman now. I think given her age and maturity, we can trust her to live with you, if she wishes, without the need for a chaperone."
Sesshomaru frowned at the side of Kikyo's cheek that he could see. She believed he wanted her back to care for Rin, like their original arrangement at the very start of all this. Had Naraku's wretched mirror shattered her trust in him so completely?
Sesshomaru raised his claw and gently pulled Kikyo's face towards him. Using his finger he gently tipped her head up, forcing her to look into his golden eyes. "Kagome told me what you saw in Naraku's mirror. Whatever you did see was not the whole exchange, that I'm sure of. At that time, I had looked everywhere for you, but there was no trace of where you had gone. On that day I was looking for Natsu's mother, she has some…prophetic abilities I needed to make use of. Natsu was trying to toy with me, she would not tell me where her mother was unless I allowed her to kiss me. I did not have time to argue or fight with her, so I permitted her foolishness for as long as I could bare to. The demoness means nothing to me," Sesshomaru explained as tenderly as he could, watching Kikyo's reaction. His claw cupped Kikyo's delicate, soft cheek, unwilling to let her go for even a second after being apart from her for so long.
Kikyo blinked up at him. "So the kiss I saw…was because you were trying to find me?" Kikyo breathed, she placed her cool hand above his own.
"I was desperate," he admitted. Desperation was not something he would confess to lightly, but it was certainly the truth. He hoped he would never have to go through that maddening, soul destroying hopelessness again.
A small haze of unhappiness lifted from Kikyo's dark eyes and she managed a small smile. Sesshomaru could hold back no longer, he was so relieved to see her whole and alive. To see her smiling again. He leaned down and placed a slow, lingering kiss on her mouth, his fingers gently stroking her damp hair. Her lips were as cold and soft as always.
"Go and get your belongings, I want to leave today. I'll get Rin," he told her, giving her cheek a token stroke. A spark of peace and joy ignited in his chest. He had done it, he had got Kikyo back.
As he turned towards the village, Kikyo's voice floated after him. "You still haven't said why…why you want me to come with you.." Kikyo asked.
Sesshomaru stopped in his tracks. This was it. This is the moment Kagome had encouraged him to embrace. To admit all, to tell Kikyo he loved her. But in that moment he caved, he could not do it. Kikyo had accepted his gentle kiss, she had agreed to come back with him. Everything was fine now.
"It's where you belong," he told her lamely and hesitantly. Somehow, he knew what she was asking, that she wanted some form of confirmation of his feelings for her.
"I see," Kikyo murmured behind him. Feeling ashamed of himself, Sesshomaru walked on. He did not fully understand why he was so afraid to open up so fully, so completely…Sesshomaru told himself that he needed time, the right setting.
Kikyo had wanted their union to be 'special'. Surely he could not just blurt out that he loved her? Not that he had a wealth of experience, or any experience really, to draw on.
Once they got back home, he would find the right words and the right time. He would tell the priestess how intensely he loved her and hide behind silence no longer.