The Most Broken Student Council on Planet Earth

Hedonist Safir & Heretic Merlin #4

By: Aviantei

^^^^
lo0ol

Mimori Tsugumi doesn't exist anywhere at all, because of course she fucking doesn't—and you're upset at yourself for even thinking that she would. Why bother slipping into the school from the start, why even waste time possessing someone who already exists? She could just use her ridiculous magic to make it seem like she was always there; there was never any need to take that risk.

Mimori Tsugumi doesn't exist yet, so Morgan le Fey is hidden, and you can't go tear her limb from limb. That's unfortunate, because you're so frustrated that that's all you want to do. Your second round high isn't gone yet, and that makes you bloodthirsty and violent at your worst, and you're going to snap if you can't get yourself to vent all this frustration. You pace around your bedroom at Logres Manor, debating if you want to just wreck everything in your immediate vicinity and repair it with magic later. You could put up a field, too, make sure no one else in the house can hear what you've got going on; no need to worry Emma or Luna while you're at it. Maybe after an hour or two you'll have calmed down enough to make a fresh plan to fucking eviscerate Morgan le Fey and—

There's a knock on your door, gentle yet insistent.

"What?" you snap, your voice a storm, a volcano, and an earthquake all wrapped into one.

"You promised," Rintarou's voice comes from the other side of the door, and something inside you stills.

You did, in fact, promise.

You breathe, some of the heat dispersing off your anger, but it's still there, lying in wait. Your aura is still twisted up in it, though it's nothing as bad as when you got back from France with Emma. Still, you can't blame Rintarou for checking in, for making sure you reach out to help before you get that bad in the first place. The sheer amount of care for your wellbeing makes a part of your chest feel warm.

You complete your breath with an exhale. "…Come in."

Rintarou opens the door, steps in, and shuts the door behind it. He waits, his hands tucked in his pockets, trying to look casual, but there's that tension in his shoulders, that sharpness to his gaze. You think about what to even say to him to start with. The truth, for sure, but how much of it? You're livid right now, but if anyone could end up more upset over this situation than you are, it's Rintarou.

The Dame du Lac. Merlin.

You flash him a smile, not even bothering to make it seem convincing. "You wanna go somewhere where we can be as destructive as possible first?" you ask.

"Alright." Rintarou steps forward, offering you his arm. You take it, squeezing a bit closer than strictly necessary when it comes to teleportation—but you don't give Rintarou any opportunity to comment on it as you vanish in a flash of magic.

The cold bite of the Antarctic tundra snips at your face, at any fraction of exposed skin. Within seconds, you've already given yourself a nice bubble of temperature regulation, and Rintarou's done the same for himself. Bright white and near-blinding snow stretches out as far as you can see, but there's no ice storm in the way—yet. You can't tell how vindictive you're feeling just now, and you haven't done anything to process it. You're too busy enjoying the way that it feels to have Rintarou so close, a great reminder to anchor you in the present.

Both of your breaths are puffs in the cold of the air. "I thought I knew where to find Morgan le Fey," you whisper, and Rintarou tenses. "In Canon, she infiltrated your school, was just a part of the student body. But I couldn't find the pseudonym she used anywhere, so I have no idea where she is, and I'm pissed that I can't fuck her up in advance before she causes you trouble again."

You can feel it, Rintarou's own agitation bubbling up in the process, and you don't blame him at all. Any of the Dame du Lac are cause for anger, a reminder of where he failed last round. You weren't even there, and you hate them, too, hate what they did to him. His crusade is your crusade—and you won't let Morgan le Fey hurt him again, either. This isn't even her Succession Battle anyways, so she can stay the fuck out.

Whenever Rintarou speaks again, his voice is much quieter than you expected. "…You were going to get into a fight with Morgan le Fey for me."

You remember what you said, and he's right—you didn't say you'd stop her from causing trouble for everyone else, you said you'd stop her for him.

"Excuse you," you say with a huff, "I was going to win a fight with Morgan le Fey for you."

Rintarou laughs, and you adore the sound, adore the fact that he can still sound so carefree. "Sorry, you're right. I know that bitch wouldn't stand a chance against you. But if you're going to go witch hunting, then I want to come along, got it?"

You nod. There's no way that you can deny him that. "As soon as I sniff her out, you'll be the first to know. We'll make a date out of it." You're already starting to feel better, but you're still pissed that she managed to outfox you whenever she didn't even know you were competing against each other. "For now, though, wanna spar a little bit, Rintarou-chan? I have energy to burn."

His grin sparks up your battle instincts even further. "I'll always be willing to fight with you, Safir."

And so it goes, you and Rintarou decimating the landscape around you, magic blasts charged with every agitated emotion you have welling up inside you as you imagine Morgan le Fey's stupid pretty face getting smashed in. Rintarou seems to be processing his feelings in much the same way, but it's fun in a way that training Emma can't replicate, no matter how talented she is. Rintarou just gets better and better and better every single time you fight, more and more of his magic welling up as you coax it out of him, and snow flies everywhere until you've both worked through your anger, leaving you lying in the snow and staring up at the sky.

Now that you've gotten over the surge of initial rage, your head is much clearer, giving you more time to consider your options. It's not like Morgan le Fey is the only Canon problem that you could take care of. More memories have been flitting into your head as your ridiculous memory does its work. There's the whole Tsukuyomi Reika/Mordred situation, not to mention Kitaoka Hitoshi, who you recall is the absolute worst. Reika is the more time sensitive of the two, but you should at least have a few months before you need to rush in and do anything. And with Hitoshi, well, there's a near one-hundred percent chance you're going to smack him the moment you see him, but he's still a teenager, which means you should give him at least the opportunity to learn to be a better person—but he sure as hell isn't going anywhere near Emma or Luna until you work that shit out of his system. The sooner you start that project, the better, as much as you can see yourself hating every goddamn second of it.

Of course, all of that is just a distraction from the most pressing of the issues that you're attempting to avoid.

Fuyuse Nayuki.

Nimue.

A member of the Dame du Lac, the one who gave Merlin his greatest betrayal. The one that was his lover before it all went to tell. The one that's not only a student at Camelot International, but became Luna's best friend in Canon.

You don't know what's the best option. You haven't unearthed all your memories of reading the light novels yet, but you're pretty sure she had enough of a redemption for Rintarou to be okay with her being around. But now, do you want to let him know, want the chance of making him biased against her and ruining any chance of her bonding with Luna? Or do you want to keep it a secret and risk him hating you for it, for betraying his trust? You're sure he would understand why you did it, would forgive you in time, but it's still not something you like the idea of doing.

You can't help but snort. Like you need to make decisions for him.

"Rintarou-chan," you say, capturing his attention right away. His eyes are a faint gold, you notice all over again, and they're such a pretty color. "If I told you I knew where Nimue was, would you want to know?"

Rintarou—no, Merlin stills, contemplating, and you let him be. Just like with Emma and the Order of Saint Joan, it's his choice for how he handles her. Even if you know how things went before, this and that aren't the exact same thing. Whatever he decides, you'll stand by his side. That's the least you can do.

"She's close, isn't she?" he asks, and you hum in affirmation. You expect to feel his aura surge with anger again, and there is some of that, but there's also a layer of sadness underneath. You understand the feeling, having been betrayed by someone close before, too. "She remembers?" Another hum of affirmation. Merlin clicks his tongue. "This is the fucking worst."

"Do you want me to tell you?" you ask, though you shouldn't put the pressure on him. It's fucking hilarious, but you feel like if you don't get an answer now, both of you will lose your nerve. And, well, fuck holding back, even if this feels like a stupid place to play that rule.

"…Maybe." Rintarou rolls onto his back again, tossing an arm up over his eyes. "Not yet, though. I don't want to deal with thinking about her right now." You both know well enough that it doesn't work like that, but it's not worth fighting him on it whatsoever. "You'll tell me when I ask, though, right?"

"Of course I will." You reach out for his hand, squeezing it as tight as possible. "Whatever you need, I'll always be there, and I'll always tell the truth. I promise." You graze your lips across his knuckles, a reminder of the first night you met. "I swore to never betray you. That vow is still active, and it always will be."

You will not betray him.

"Right. Right, of course." You can't even blame him for questioning it—and you'll tell him however many times he needs to hear it. "Thanks, Safir. God, I hope you find Morgan le Fey soon. I could use the therapy."

You snicker, kiss his hand one more time before letting go. Before he even realizes what you're planning, you've scooped up a handful of snow and dumped it right on his face. One splutter of indignation later, you've started a magic-enhanced snowball fight, and the rest of your and his worries slip away.

You both return home with your uniforms soaked through, chilled to the bone, but every single second of it has been beyond worth it.

^^^^
lo0ol

"So, I was thinking that we should run for student council!"

Luna's proclamation comes as no surprise to you, even if it is interrupting your lunch. You were in the mood when you woke up, so you made a picnic that your high school trio has taken outside, enjoying the warming weather. Considering the time of year, you knew this suggestion would be coming up, since Luna was the student council president in Canon. And, well, even if she weren't, you wouldn't expect anything different of her.

A king is a king is a king after all.

Still, there is one thing that you do have to question and that's—

"What's all this 'we' stuff?" Rintarou asks, already rearing up for the usual bickering. You don't have any popcorn, but you did pack some blueberries, which are pretty much the fruit equivalent, so you'll be fine in the long run. "Even if you did manage to pull off becoming the president—which I doubt, oh King Airhead—why would I want anything to do with running your corrupt student council?"

"Rude, Rintarou!" Luna crosses her arms and pouts. "I'm a king; of course I'm going to win. And since you two are my vassals, who else would I ask to run with me? My court, my council—it's pretty much the same thing! Wait, did you just call me corrupt?"

The argument's just started, and Rintarou already looks ready to pull out his hair. "How is that even close to the same thing? And of course I called you corrupt! You think I don't know that you're already planning on having Safir and I use our magic to try and rig the results in your favor, anyways!"

"Aw, don't be like that. It's a foolproof strategy to win! You guys are so good at magic you'd be able to pull it off without anyone even noticing."

"That! That shit right there is why I call you corrupt!"

"Well," you say, "I'm pretty sure you can win without anything like that at all, Luna." Both of their expressions morph in an instant: Luna, bright and beaming; Rintarou, scandalized and betrayed. Well, there's no good way that you can explain she accomplished that on her own in Canon with your current audience, so you decide to move on. "Dibs on not being vice president."

"Yeah, that's fair." Luna nods, looking satisfied. Well, that's one less trouble to think about. You feel relieved that she accepted it that easy. Even if it's Luna, being someone else's second doesn't quite feel right on your skin. "That means Rintarou can be VP." Rintarou's so flabbergasted that he can't even form complete sentences. "What do you want then, Safir? Secretary?"

Without even thinking about it, you frown. Not because you couldn't handle it—taking notes and keeping things in order is something you're pretty good at, all things considered—but because that doesn't feel like your part to plat. That role is Fuyuse Nayuki's job, for what it matters with everything that you've already changed about Canon. Of course, that student council was a different entity, one that Rintarou met but wasn't a part of. Here, if he's right in the center of things, then he'll be right around Nimue, and—

Not yet, though. I don't want to deal with thinking about her right now.

You could solve that problem, take her place, and never let her get anywhere close to your friend group. You've got more than enough magic to make up for any help that she ever gave in the story. She is not essential, even if she is sorry. She hurt Merlin; but she was coerced—the different sides of the argument bounce around in your head, and you're already starting to feel nauseous.

"Treasurer," you say, because you're an indecisive fuck and you can't commit. Welp, that's a problem you've had before; glad to see that things haven't changed at all, no matter the lifetime. "I can be treasurer."

Luna doesn't even seem to notice your hesitation. "Yeah, that sounds great. You're already managing our war chest at home, so I know you'll be perfect for the job!" Rintarou mumbles something like glucose guardian under his breath, but you let it slide this time. You owe him for throwing him to the wolves when it comes to being Vice Pres alongside Luna. "Well, with us three, we should be in good shape! There are a couple of other positions, but I'll go ahead and scout out other people in our class to see who can join, but for now, we'll start building a plan of attack."

She shoves her hand into the middle of the group, palm down, her intensions clear. Feeling generous, you add your hand on top of hers, and the two of you go ahead give Rintarou expectant stares. "Ugh, fine," he says, slapping his hand into the pile. "Let's go be the most broken student council on planet earth."

Luna grins. "I like the sound of that. Go team—fiiight!" And she tosses your hands up into the air.

"Fiiight," you echo in an intentional monotone, giving Rintarou a smirk that he returns with a performative scowl.

^^^^
lo0ol

You could be doing a lot of things right now. You could be hunting down Tsukuyomi Reika and seeing if you could figure out the best way to help her whole mess. You could be teaching fucking Hitoshi how to be a decent person. Hell, you could be further terrorizing Kujou into doing your bidding throughout the King Arthur Succession battle. But no, you're upon a stage in the school courtyard, dressed up in idol frills and performing a pop song that you've highjacked from a past life to the waiting crowd of Camelot International High students.

And they're. Eating. This. Shit. Up.

You're not surprised. You may not be shōjo anime beautiful this time, but you're still cute enough. Pair that with some top-of-the-line designed clothes, Luna's pretty on point makeup sense, and your natural ability to be good at anything and fucking everything, you're a one-enby show on par with the professionals. Sure, people were confused at first, what with the weird appendage to their schoolyard set up during lunchtime, but now they know what to expect, and you've already assembled a crowd of admirers, you can see it in their eyes.

It may not seem like it, but this was a calculated strategy. Not the whole "use an idol performance to gather up support for Luna's student council campaign" thing; that was pretty dumb. The look on Rintarou's face when you suggested it was more than proof enough of that.

But it doesn't change the fact that you suggested it, because you were willing. You don't mind being in the spotlight at all; you did it before in your youth with all your various escapades. And, well, if this means you can save Sir Kay and whoever else that Canon Emma dragged into her stupid fanservice game, that'll be more than worth it.

Sometimes being in a world conceptualized by guys writing out their exploitative fantasies of women is the literal fucking worst.

Still, you think you've done enough damage control. You're Luna's finances, so she won't have an issue with needing Sir Kay to make money, plus you'll be her poster child if that's what it takes. Come to think of it, didn't Luna need to sell her Excalibur to bail out the school, and that was part of the reason all the exposing cosplay happened?

Note to self: buy out a majority of investments in Camelot International during class. It's not like you'll be paying all that much attention to the lectures anyways.

The music swells as it approaches the climax of the performance, and you do the super complicated flourish and flip at the end as your voice joins the crescendo. There's that beat of stunned silence—and then the crowd erupts into applause and cheers. There's calls for an encore already, though there's not much time left until the bell rings.

Yeah, you could have this place eating out of your hand if you wanted to.

But this isn't your show; it's Luna's, and you're here to help her get the student council president position she wants. So you turn on your super cute and innocent mode and give your waiting fans a smile so bright that it's pretty much blinding. "Everyone, thanks so much for coming out today! I'm first year Safir, they/them, and this is my performance debut!" In this life on a concert stage, anyways. This is irrelevant information for your current purposes, though. "I know this was super sudden, but thank you so much to everyone who showed up today! I super appreciate it!"

The crowd shouts its support without any hesitation. Yeah, most high schoolers are pretty won over by a cute face and plenty of charm.

"Anyways, I'm eager to be able to continue these shows once a week, so I hope that you'll support me here." More hoots and hollers. Yup, they're gonna be done for. "I'm also hoping to run for student council treasurer under Luna Artur's party, so I hope you'll support me there, too. It's because of her encouragement that I was able to pull this off—" because there was no way Rintarou would have agreed if Luna wasn't backing you up "—so we hope to have more fun events like this in the future!

"I won't bore you with campaign promises right now, but know that we're going to be working on a lot of improvements for school life, too. Please give us your attention and support through student council elections, and you can also pick up some merch in the awning over there. Thanks very much, and I'll see you next Monday!"

And then, because this is your show and you can be as extra as you want, you set off a series of smoke bombs and disappear in the aftermath, using real magic rather than the stage variety. When you reappear at Rintarou's side, you're changed out of your idol costume and back into your school uniform, already ready for the day. Luna's a fiend at the merch table (which just as a few special light wands and t-shirts for now, but you have plans for some mini CDs and photo cards later on), selling off your stock with a passion while promoting her own agenda at the same time.

"You're a showoff," Rintarou says, grumbling the whole time as he offers you a bottle of water that you don't quite need but accept anyways. "You didn't even practice any of that. Did you make up everything on the spot?"

"Yes but also no." You shrug. He knows you well enough. "It worked, though. We keep that up, and we'll be the overwhelming victors. Nothing to worry about at all."

"Except for the fact that we're making King Airhead student council president. Why did I let you talk me into this again?"

"Because you know it'll happen anyways, and I know you don't wanna deal with her sulking that she didn't win." Rintarou lets out a long sigh, understanding that you're right. You bump your shoulder against his, urging him to start heading towards class. You've got hired help to handle the take down, so there's nothing else you need to do here. "Will it make you feel better if I take a special request from you?"

Rintarou reaches out, mussing up your hair, and you let him. "Keep that up and I'll have you singing in Old English."

You smile. "I could pull it off," because of course you could. "Oh, if we do that, will you do a duet special with me? We could attract plenty of other audience members if you get to be the dark and edgy one."

Rintarou's hair ruffle turns into a full out noogie, and the two of you end up wrestling right there in the stairwell as you pinch his cheeks back and pull at his hair. "Don't you ever let Luna hear you suggest that, ever." Because she would latch onto it with a vengeance, and then there would be no escape. You tuck it away in the back corner of your mind reserved for manipulation and getting your way whenever is necessary. The warning bell rings, and the two of you break apart, heading back on your way; potential student council electees shouldn't be late for class after all. "…Still, if you wanted to, I'd consider it."

It doesn't take much effort at all to imagine Rintarou decked out in idol gear, though you very well know that wasn't quite how he meant it. "You'd look cute. We should design our outfits to match."

"I don't like how quick you've come to that conclusion."

But you notice that he doesn't turn down the idea outright.

^^^^
lo0ol

"Aw, that sounds so fun. I wish I could've seen Master perform…"

It's dinner time back home, and you've all gathered together around a spread of your collective culinary efforts. Of course, your massive table is a bit much for four people, but it won't be once the rest of the extensive party members start to join you. You chew threw some vegetable tempura, contemplating Emma's earnest excitement. Well, it's charming to see that she can still enjoy things in life, though she's still been doing a lot of self work. Even with school happening, she seems to be giving it her best, so that's about all you can ask for.

"Oh, yeah, Safir was amazing," Luna says, just as genuine. Man, you've managed to get yourself involved with some good kids here. "Like, I was stunned! Of course, since you're my vassal, I believed in you, but man, you got the crowd worked up, and your performance was top-notch, too. You must've practiced super hard to get ready in so short of a time."

Rintarou stifles his snort in his soup. You kick him under the table for his troubles.

"Well, I'd dabbled in stuff like that before, so it wasn't all that bad," you say, which is the truth. Just not the truth for this round. Both Emma and Luna look impressed, and you smile at your protégé. "I'm sure that Luna will have me do a show on a weekend or something sometime. You can come and watch then."

"Mm, yeah, I guess that's better than just telling her to be late for school to come see," Luna says, like the terrible influence she is. Then again, you're not one to talk, either. "Man, it's too bad that you're not at the same school yet. It'd be great to have the dynamic of a senpai-kōhai idol duo. Hey, hey, Emma, you'd look super cute in idol clothes! You wanna try?"

In the space of a second, Emma's pale skin flushes red. "Well, um, I don't know, I wouldn't be all that comfortable with…"

"Aw, come on, it'd be great! If you started now, you could get all the folks in your grade on my side before they come to Camelot International, and—"

"Luna."

The sharpness to your tone brings the room to a dead silence. Even Rintarou has stopped mid-eating, and he's eyeing you, wariness reflected in his expression. In most cases, you would try not to concern him at the very least, but you've already seen what Luna could be like in one year's time. And, yeah, the whole "Scum King" thing was part of the premise, and, yeah, there's no guarantee that your Luna will be the same as her Canon counterpart, but this is real life now, and you're not about to let some stupid bit cause other people discomfort.

"You're pretty good with people, so I'm sure you've noticed that Emma isn't all that comfortable with that idea. And while it'd be one thing if you want to help her with being confident, pushing her into something she doesn't want to do is not respecting her boundaries. Besides, why would you need to push her whenever you have a vassal that's willing to do the work already?" That was the whole goddamn point of you doing this in the first place, after all.

And, now that you think of it, Emma has had enough of being idolized. All the more reason to keep her the fuck out of this mess.

The silence persists for a while, and you do your best to keep eating like nothing's wrong. Though it's impressive that you haven't crushed the chopsticks in your hand into a pile of splinters right now. And you don't blame Luna for not knowing better, since she's still a teenager, but god does it make your blood boil.

If I ever get into a world where I can wreck the people who made all the uncomfortable anime fanservice bullshit into tropes, I am going to relish every single goddamn moment of it.

"…'Sorry," Luna says after a moment. "I…I got excited, and I didn't think about you, Emma, when I should have. You're a potential king, too, and you're not even my vassal. And even if you were, I shouldn't have pushed it when I noticed you were uncomfortable. So…sorry."

"A-ah, um, it's okay!" Emma says, not quite flailing her arms but still looking stunned. "I just…I don't want to be in the spotlight like that anymore. At least not for a while. Um, I'll still come and watch Master perform, though, so please make a show that I'll be able to go to!"

"Oh, for sure! Once we do a few more at school, I'm sure we can get plenty of people to show up, even on their days off!" Hey, now. These two making more work for you. Not that you can't handle it. "Oh, but if you wanted, I could make sure you get merch sales first, Emma, if you're willing to pay a premium…"

Rintarou grimaces, back to usual now that you've relaxed. "You, my King," he says, drawling out the syllables, "are the worst."

But at least the atmosphere is light again, and that's what matters.

^^^^
lo0ol

The student council elections are your squad's by an absolute landslide. Between your idol antics, Luna's campaign promises for higher quality cafeteria food, and Rintarou's perfect promotional speech, your opponents don't stand a chance. It helps that there's a mysterious donor that makes the addition of better food possible since their grant indicates as much—and, oh, what a coincidence, said mysterious owner is the new majority shareholder on the school.

Surprise not surprise, said shareholder is you.

God, you've dug deep into corruption this time around. But you guess there are much worse causes than improving the general quality of life at your high school, so whatever. Fuck holding back and all that. You appreciate the improved yet still affordable dining options available to you, and so does Luna, along with the rest of the student body. And, well, none of Luna's plans seem all that corrupt so far, so you're content to let her have free reign and have Rintarou pick up the pieces.

You're wandering back from the school store, having completed a snack run during one of your breaks for your group and thinking about your plans for the future. Tsukuyomi Reika sounds like the most important of the lot, and it won't take any effort at all to find her. You'll work with that until it's done or your memory refreshes with more relevant information; hell, maybe you'll take Rintarou along with you and—

"S-Safir-san!"

The honorific sounds weird at the end of your current name, but it's not all that unexpected for the circumstances. What is unexpected is the person standing there, dressed in the uniform blazer and skirt, and their shout has attracted the attention of other students who have decided to be out and about now. You raise an eyebrow, but this stranger doesn't seem inclined to keep talking. "Yes?" you say, hoping that'll move things along. You have the munchies, and you wish to consume, strangers asking for your attention or no.

Except said stranger sucks in a deep breath, reaches into their pocket, pulls out a letter, and dips into a bow, and you're five seconds too late to stop the spectacle that erupts from their earnest shout:

"Please accept my feelings!"

[Author's Notes]

Me, forced to admit that this is no longer a one shot and instead a multi-chap fic:

Thanks to techton38 for the favorite and follow. Welcome to the ride.

Student council shenanigans were supposed to be in the last chap but that wasn't happening with the length, so here we go. The most broken student council on planet earth.

This is part of the usual holiday/anniversary posting shenanigans. Happy new year. Do check out walk steady on this cruel world's path and Muse, since I've just been promoing these two fics relentlessly. Happy new year, we'll see another update later on.

Next time, #5: "Anime Tropes Are Bullshit (and Other Woes)" - please look forward to it!

-Avi

[01.01.2022]