Chapter nine

Three elephants

She's looking at me a lot more than usual.

The thought couldn't escape Elsa's mind. Even as she'd prepared their lunch, she found herself constantly glancing back at Anna, just to see if it was still happening. Obviously, this also meant that she was looking at Anna more than usual, but for once she had a good reason to do so.

Her hope that giving Anna time to process her explanation would evoke a more appropriate reaction didn't seem to be paying off. While it was difficult to say exactly what Anna was thinking, she clearly wasn't glaring at her in contempt. It seemed purely contemplative, as if the true depth of her sister's depravity hadn't quite sunken in yet. That meant the second shoe had yet to drop, and it was still clear as mud where she and Anna stood.

Which was a problem, because there absolutely was a correct answer as to how Anna should feel about it, and she didn't seem to be on the path to picking it. Perhaps she was merely holding back her disgust in order to keep the mood between them friendly, or maybe she genuinely had decided that their sisterhood overruled any and all barriers between them, even this.

Or, and here's a crazy thought, maybe this doesn't take up 100% of her thoughts the way it does with you.

That'd be a nice explanation, and for once, the worst possible outcome didn't seem the most likely to her. She had plenty of other things to think about. Like, for instance, what was going to transpire in mere hours.

She still hadn't brought up the reading of the will to Anna again. At this point, she'd probably already waited too long, and asking now would make it feel like she was springing the issue on her. Getting her to come would be hugely significant, and there wouldn't be a lot of organic ways to broach the topic in the days to come. She wasn't leaving until Anna had made peace with their loss, she had determined that before even arriving there. And in light of recent events, making that happen sooner rather than later was probably not the worst idea. But how to even bring it up? While cleaning the basement up hadn't been as catastrophic on that front as she had feared, it really didn't seem to have brought either of them any kind of closure, and closure was exactly what they were in desperate need of.

She glanced at Anna again. Anna gave her a funny look, as if she was the one spending too much time looking at her. Not to say she wasn't doing that, but still, it was a little hypocritical. She turned back to the pan in front of her, and flipped the grilled cheese sandwiches over.

It was a constant push and pull, with one issue demanding she stay close to Anna, and the other which could only get worse the closer they became. If only she could be a normal sister and comfort Anna without any strings attached. Why couldn't she have just fixed herself by now? What had she even accomplished by wasting her last few years with-

She gripped the pan handle. It's not the time for that. It's certainly not the place.

Through sheer force of will, she calmed herself down. She had to let go of the pan, however, as her trembling grip was starting to make the pan itself shake.

If I'm barely holding myself together, how could she be holding up?

She glanced back at Anna once more and wished to know, not for the first time, what could possibly be going on inside her head.

At that particular moment, the answer was "a lot."

Thoughts drifted in and out of Anna's head, briefly gaining purchase before being forced out by the next one in line. Thoughts of Elsa, baseball, those friends she hadn't called in a while, that cooking show she should really get back to – all these tried to gain a firm footing in her sleep-deprived brain, failing one after the other. Anything to distract from what was coming later today.

Elsa hadn't raised the issue since the first time, and yet it had lodged itself in her brain and refused to let go, always niggling her ever so slightly whenever all other trains of thought had left the station. It had steadily grown in volume over the past 12 hours, being the main culprit for her current lack of sleep, and now it was practically unavoidable.

There was nothing – literally nothing in this world – she wanted to do less than sit in one room and listen to their family lawyer talk for hours about every single facet of her life that would now be forever different. At the same time, she knew abandoning Elsa to face the same fate alone would be a monumentally scummy action.

Even if she did the very same to me for fucking years…

She smacked the side of her head with the heel of her palm. This was neither the time, nor the place. Yet this line of thought was more palatable than that other one, so of course it took root. Anger was so much more satisfying to wallow in than grief.

It would be, in some way, sickly satisfying to deny Elsa her company right at this crucial moment, to get her back for those lost years. However, throwing another burning log on the bridge between them would just bite her in the ass later. How could she make a case to keep Elsa from leaving again if she couldn't do any better? Obviously, the best play would be to go with her, purely in logical terms.

Then again, I could always just try kissing her on the lips. That might make her stay.

Anna blinked. Then she shook her head vigorously. These goddamn sleep-deprived intrusive thoughts, they were really going to be the death of her. Just earlier today she'd speculated about tripping while playing tennis and cutting her jugular on the end of the racket. Now, in short succession, she'd tripped through all three of the topics she really didn't want to think about.

Elsa finally turned around. "Ready," she said. She deposited the two deluxe grilled cheese sandwiches on two nearby plates, swiftly cutting them twice diagonally.

"Looks great!" Anna said. She practically leapt up to grab their drinks from the fridge. By the time she'd poured her milk and placed Elsa's soda, the table was already set. Anna patiently waited for Elsa to sit down before beginning to eat.

The taste was immaculate. She'd never heard of a deluxe grilled cheese before, and now she couldn't ever see herself going back. Cheese, turkey, and tomato slices, in that order, and just the right seasoning. She devoured her first triangle in seconds, which Elsa watched with an amused smirk on her face.

Gradually, the vague concept of table manners drifted into her head. Glancing at Elsa's much more subdued technique, she slowed down her consumption, straightened her posture, and attempted to pass for a civilized diner. When she looked back up at Elsa, however, her table manners had only improved further. She sat with a perfectly straight back, tucked her napkin into her blouse, and was now eating her own sandwich with a knife and fork.

"Oh, hardee harr," Anna said, playfully chucking her napkin at Elsa. "You're a riot."

Elsa chuckled. "Don't worry about it too much," she said. "I know to take it as a compliment when you eat that messily."

"Oh really?" Anna said, leaning forward with her elbows on the table. "And just what do you mean by that messily?"

Elsa waved a hand dismissively. "Just chew with your mouth closed and I'll be happy."

"I was," Anna insisted.

"Then I'm happy," Elsa replied.

They resumed eating, Anna a little more politely but hardly any slower. The sandwich was already half gone, but that was just the price she had to pay. Of all the developments Elsa had made while she was away, learning how to cook and cook well was among the best surprises.

And she doesn't even care about your manners. Man, maybe you should be dating her.

Again, Anna groaned to herself. Luckily, with her mouth full she couldn't scowl and cause Elsa concern.

Goddamnit, can't I just have a nice lunch without addressing the elephant in the room?

But then again, it wasn't just one elephant, was it? It was three. She couldn't turn away from one without looking at the other two. Each one begged for her attention, tried to cut through the fog of stalwart indifference she was increasingly failing to summon.

Well, not each one. Even as she tried to focus on her last remark, she felt her mind naturally gravitating away from the topic. Her brain automatically conjured up distractions to pull her attention away from thinking about Elsa's feelings for her, as opposed to her having to concentrate on them like with the other two. While the other two sucked her in with thoughts of grief, anger, and guilt, this one rebuffed her, passed from her mind as soon as it had come with no effort on her part.

So I guess that's the elephant that's hiding in the fridge, then.

But why was that, anyway? Why would her mind be drawn to those two more negative trains of thought, and away from the one that was more confusing than anything? She'd specifically been trying to avoid thinking about Mom and Dad – surely any other thought would be preferable?

And how the hell am I supposed to know if I'm for or against it if my stupid brain won't even focus on it?

It shouldn't be that hard of a question – Elsa had certainly made her position on the matter clear. But the more she thought about it, the more she realized that she hadn't really thought about it. Most people probably never did, but she had a greater need than most. She'd had half a damn decade to make her mind up, but just as now, she'd focused on just about anything else she could.

Well, that ended now. Even if she didn't want to, she'd have to come up with a clear and definitive answer to the question. If she wasn't comfortable with Elsa thinking about her that way, she'd need to know that with 100% certainty, before she left. She owed that much to her.

And hey, if it turns out I don't hate the idea, maybe she won't even have to…

She swallowed, gulping down the last bite of her third triangle with more force than she'd meant to.

Well, she'd think about that possibility later. She still had time to take things piece by piece.

After all, that's how you deal with the elephant in the room. One bite at a time.

Over the next hour, things only grew more and more tense. Aside from Elsa getting up to put the dishes in the dishwasher, neither of them could come up with any excuse to leave, so they both sat at the table, searching their phones for distractions that proved ever more elusive. Elsa, at least, had the confidence and poise to keep her trepidations subdued, only subtle twitches in her hands giving her away. Anna figured she herself must've looked like a total wreck.

The reading was less than an hour away now. It was only a matter of minutes before Elsa would have no choice but to bring it up, to declare it was time to go, to ask Anna if she was coming. And she still had no concrete answer.

To be fair, it was a weighty dilemma. On one side of the scales, she pictured a heap of papers listing the many reasons why she should go - it's the right thing to do, there may be information I need to hear firsthand, I shouldn't leave Elsa to sit through it alone, I might get some closure, etc. On the other side sat a giant stone tablet with the phrase I don't want to I don't want to I don't want to I don't want to engraved on it over and over. So really, it was hardly a debate.

She felt deeply ashamed for not having the guts to just grit her teeth and get through it. Even if she did go, she would surely just distract herself the whole time and barely pay attention, making her presence pointless aside from being emotional support for Elsa. And she wasn't exactly a rock of stability for Elsa to hold onto, either. She might just make it worse, if anything.

If only I was as strong as Elsa. She always takes the harder path if it's the right thing to do. Or even if it isn't.

Eventually, Elsa started moving. She'd already handled the dishes earlier, so now she engaged in idle tasks, like straightening the tablecloth and getting her hair in order. It was a sure sign that she was working her way up to the departure, and the question that inevitably preceded it. Which told Anna that she should stop putting off coming up with a good excuse not to.

Sorry, Elsa, I just don't think I'd be of any use there. I can probably guess what's going to be said anyway. You're better at handling the paperwork and stuff anyway. I should just stay here and…

And do what, exactly? Go back to bed?

The thought gnawed at her. Aside from when she stayed on her computer late into the night, most days she spent more time in her bed than out of it. Even as her sleep schedule decayed further and further, she'd accumulated most everything she needed within arm's length of her bed and was rarely forced out of it. Even now, it beckoned to her, appealing to her drowsiness as if she'd be able to get back to sleep at this point.

But that wouldn't make her stop thinking about the will reading. In fact, it'd just pile on more guilt knowing Elsa was at the reading, suffering alone while she just buried her head in the sand. She'd felt guilty enough turning down her parents when they invited her to an outing – how much worse would this one be?

And more importantly, how am I every going to address any of these the elephants if my answer to everything is to hide in my bed again? Would a wuss like that ever be able to figure out what was going on with her sister if she wasn't even willing to do anything with her?

Elsa seemed reluctant to interrupt her while she was clearly deep in thought, but as time ticked on, she finally felt pressured enough to do so. "…Hey, Anna?" she said.

Anna jumped to her feet. "Okay, let's go," she said abruptly.

Elsa was taken aback. "I – what?"

"Come on, hurry up already," Anna said, practically dashing for the door. She went out into the garage, headed for the car, and leapt into the passenger seat. Then she buckled her seatbelt and folded her arms.

There. I'm in the car, seatbelt's buckled. Can't change my mind now.

She locked her gaze ahead, waited for Elsa to come through, and tried to maintain her steely façade. As soon as she came to a rest, though, she felt the first few tendrils of the void peeking through. Her forced resolve crumbled just as quickly as she had assembled it in the first place, and now she could do nothing but sit there, wait for Elsa, and try not to freak out.

Eventually, Elsa did emerge, wearing her coat and carrying Anna's. She seemed to have picked up on at least the gist of what Anna was attempting, as she had some much-needed hustle in her step. When she got into the car, she said nothing, only smiling and offering a slightly trembling hand. Anna took it and held on tight.