Chapter fifteen

Rock Bottom

"Have you ever cut yourself while doing that?" Anna asked.

"Twice," Elsa said, scraping the now-sliced green onions off the cutting board and into the pot, before grabbing the next bundle and slicing it with similar speed. "Once when I was just starting out, and once when I'd had a glass of wine beforehand."

"Just one?" Anna asked.

"Just one," Elsa said. She deposited the green onions in the pot, then grabbed a carrot. Anna began to protest, but Elsa silenced her with a gesture. "You'll like it the way I cook it," she promised.

Anna folded her arms. "I'd better," she grumbled. She took solace in the fact that Elsa only used half the carrot, them moved onto a chunk of ham. "You know, we have pre-diced ham," Anna pointed out.

"Doesn't taste the same," Elsa said. "Besides, I know you like to snack on those."

Anna raised her hand. "Guilty as charged." Then she frowned. "I thought this was beef stew?"

"There's no wrong ingredients to add to a stew," Elsa said. "That's why I'm teaching you this recipe, you can literally just throw anything you want in there." She saw Anna opening her mouth. "Except hot fudge," she added. "Though I can't stop you from trying."

She examined the stew, found it a hair too thick, and added a splash of water. "That should do it," she said, adjusting the heat. "Now we just wait."

"All right," Anna said. She examined the stew, trying not to inhale too hard – the smell of the beef had already gotten her stomach rumbling. "For how long, exactly?"

"Two hours," Elsa said.

Anna looked at her. "You're kidding," she said.

"I'm not," Elsa said, heading over to the sink to wash her hands. "Why do you think we started cooking at 3:30?"

"I don't know," Anna said. "I'm good to go right now. If you said 'five seconds,' I'd already be slurping it down." She looked back at the pot, its delicious aroma now seeming to taunt her. "Why would anyone willingly make something that took two whole hours to cook?"

"Some stews take twice that long," Elsa said. "You just start cooking two hours before you get hungry."

"Well, that's my secret, Cap," Anna said with a straight face. "I'm always hungry."

Elsa chuckled. She stirred the stew, then put the lid on the pot. Then she reached into a drawer and pulled out two Slim Jims. "Here," she said, tossing one at Anna, who grabbed it. "That should tide you over."

"It won't," Anna said.

"I know," Elsa replied. "But it should." To Anna's surprise, she then opened the other Slim Jim and started eating it. "What?" she said in response to Anna's shock. "I like these too."

"Yeah, I knew that," Anna said. "I just figured you wouldn't even be able to make a snack without a cheese board and an air fryer."

Elsa laughed. "I'm not that far gone, sister."

"Well, good," Anna said. "Because if you're hoping to get me to use some of these recipes, you'd better find one where the only two ingredients are whatever's in the fridge and a microwave."

Elsa frowned. "All right," she relented. "I'll shoot for some recipes that are a little simpler and speedier in the future. But it really would benefit you to learn how to cook more advanced dishes. It's healthier, and it gets you on your feet more."

"I get that, I do," Anna insisted. "But if I'm gonna put two hours of effort into something, I'd rather have it be something that won't be gone in half an hour."

Elsa reflected upon this sentiment. She gave the pot another stir, then turned to her sister.

"One," she said. "You've still got that acid reflux problem, so you know as well as I do that it's never gone in half an hour." Anna nodded in concession, then looked down at the empty Slim Jim's wrapper in her hand. "And two, it's not two hours of effort. I'm done from now until the timer rings, and we can do whatever we want before then."

Anna stroked her chin. "Like…Smash Bros?"

"Yes!" Elsa exclaimed. "I'll have to duck back into the kitchen every now and then to stir, but I can do that between rounds."

"Sounds good," Anna said, heading for the living room. "I'll make sure to kick your butt extra quick, just in case."

Elsa stuck her tongue out.

They were both able to fulfill their promises. Elsa had fallen deeply out of practice in regard to playing Smash, but any proficiency lost on that front was repaid with interest in terms of her cooking. Sadly, though, afterwards came the inevitable consequences of their actions.

"I bet we could fit that in the dishwasher," Anna said.

"You don't do that for this kind," Elsa said, scrubbing the inside of the pot. "It loosens the handles, and I'm sure you can see why that would be a bad idea."

"Yeah, I can," Anna said. "How about the knives?"

"Never the knives," Elsa said quickly. She picked up the large one and showed it to Anna. "See those rust spots? That's how that happens."

Anna waved a hand dismissively. "I've got my tetanus shot," she said.

"I'm sure you do," Elsa said, putting the knife in the soapy pot. "But in ten years, when you decide to start cooking, you'll be happy I preserved these knives for that long."

"Well gee," Anna said, "you could've saved half that time if you told me about the knives before you decided to leave me for five years."

Elsa froze. So did Anna.

Silence followed, broken only by the sound of running water. Elsa prepared for her next move. To break the tension with another quip would be a grievous mistake. She'd heard venom in those words.

"I'm sorry," Anna said after a pause. "I…ugh," she grunted, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I don't know why I said it like that."

"It's fine," Elsa said, drying her hands off. "We have to address it at some point."

Anna put a hand to her head. "We were having a good time…" she muttered. But at this point, that was clearly at an end, no matter what happened next. Anna's muscles were tensing up, and her anger was plain to see.

Elsa turned to fully face her and spread her arms. "Go ahead, let me have it," she said. "God knows I've got it coming."

Unsurprisingly, her willingness to take her lumps did nothing to reduce Anna's anger. Quite the opposite, actually. "Stop that," she growled.

"Stop what?" Elsa asked.

"That thing Dad used to do, where you just roll over on your belly and let someone unload on you, like that'll fix shit."

Elsa was confused. "But…you've got a lot to say to me, don't you?" she asked. "If you need to vent, don't keep it bottled up."

"So what, I just scream at you for five minutes and that's it?" Anna asked. "What does that solve? I don't want to be mad at you, Elsa." She squeezed her eyes shut and exhaled. "I want an explanation."

Now Elsa was dumbfounded. "I…I gave you an explanation," she said. "The day I left."

Anna stared at her, unmoving. "Five years," she said.

Elsa's blood run cold.

"A few calls, a few texts," Anna said, trembling. "Visiting for the holidays, and that's it. Most of the time, it was like…" She sniffled. "It was like I didn't even have a sister."

"Sisters drift apart all the time," Elsa tried. "You were going into college, I was starting work – it's not like we would've been together all the time anyway, like we used to be."

"At least there would've been something," Anna shot back. "At least I would've known I could always come home for the weekend and see you."

Looks like she didn't buy that one any more than you did, Elsa thought. Want to try something else?

"You had some friends you went into college with," she pointed out. "What happened to them?"

"One dropped out in her first semester," Anna said. "The other one – we weren't even really friends. I barely saw her. I was alone." She shuddered. "All alone."

Elsa felt her knees go weak. She clutched the countertop behind her for support. "Oh god, I'm sorry, Anna," she breathed. "I didn't think…"

"You didn't think what?" Anna thundered. "That I'd miss you?"

"This much, yeah," Elsa said, attempting to compose herself. "I always answered when you called or texted. If you wanted me back that badly, you could've said so."

"I did!" Anna insisted. "Every time, you just said you were busy."

"No, all you ever asked me was 'when's your next visit?' or 'can't you stay a little longer?' Which I did, last year – I used my second week of vacation right then," Elsa protested.

Anna clutched her hair. "For fuck's sake, Elsa!" she said hysterically. "How could you not see how badly I wanted you back, to stay?"

Elsa clutched her fists. "Why would you?" she asked. "You knew what I was just as well then as when I first told you on that doorstep." She looked down. "I promised you I would change. I'd find someone else to love, so we could just be normal sisters. But I couldn't. Year after year, I came back empty handed. That's why I could never look you in the eye."

"Oh, sure," Anna said bitterly. "Except for Mariella."

Elsa snapped her eyes to Anna's. "Is that what you think?" she asked quietly.

Anna's resolve faltered. "H-how could I know for sure?" she asked. "You never told me about her, not once!"

Just from looking at Elsa's body language, it seemed clear that Anna had gathered that she was off the mark. But then again, she couldn't have possibly guessed what was really going on there.

"Well, there's a reason for that," Elsa said. "But you're closer than you think."

She pulled out her phone and went to her photos. Anna looked as if she wanted to stop her, tell her she didn't have to show her, but her burning curiosity stayed her hand. It was easy to find – the short but damning album was right on the front page, abbreviated R.B.

Elsa tapped on the folder, and handed the phone to Anna with a shaking hand. "This is her," she said.

Anna looked at the first photo, and blanched. "…Oh," she said. Elsa nodded, feeling her whole body shake.

Anna kept scrolling, as if hoping that some exonerating evidence might be found later in the album, but of course there was none. Every single picture was the same smoking gun, some with Elsa standing next to her just to remove all doubt or deniability.

She didn't have as many freckles. Her hair was pure red, as opposed to strawberry blonde. Everything else, though…

Anna looked up from a photo that may as well have been a mirror. "How long?" she asked, managing to keep her voice from cracking.

"Two dates," Elsa said without hesitation. "I broke it off on my way to the third." Her legs felt weak again. "I didn't leave my apartment for a month after that. I wasn't treating her like her own person, I was treating her like…"

"Like me," Anna said, voice level.

Elsa's knees buckled, and she fell to the floor, head in her hands. "Do you see why I couldn't look you in the eyes anymore? Can you imagine me taking her home to meet Mom and Dad? Or you?" she wailed. "Do you see just how broken I really am?"

Anna didn't say anything, so Elsa just kept talking, spooling out more rope for her own neck.

"I missed you so much!" Elsa sobbed. "I tried to fill the void with her, but really I just…I dragged her down into it! So I knew I couldn't ever try it again, with anyone! I knew it would've just gone the same way, or worse!"

Anna wasn't interrupting her, but surely she'd start shouting any moment. She was just taking a while to build up to it, like Mom used to.

"So now you know. You know just how broken I am," Elsa said. She continued to sniffle, though it seemed she was out of tears for the moment. Whatever Anna said next would certainly change that.

And it did.

Anna got down on her knees, putting her face right in front of Elsa's. "You idiot," she said. But this time, there was no malice in it at all.

Elsa looked at her in disbelief. "What?"

"You missed me, and I missed you," Anna said softly. "We could've worked something out."

This wasn't a tranquil exterior hiding a raging storm. Whatever was going on in her head, it couldn't be explained in such few words.

"But that one's a two way street, isn't it?" Anna continued. "I didn't reach out to you when I really needed to. But that's one mistake I don't plan to make again."

"W-why aren't you mad at me?" Elsa stammered. "Y-you should be furious right now."

"You know, I'm not really sure," Anna said, her voice tinged with confusion that sounded genuine. "Maybe I'm just tired of being mad at you. Or maybe I understand you just a little bit better now."

Alarm bells were blaring in Elsa's head, but Anna was sending out such mixed signals, she had no idea which direction to run in to make things better – or worse, for that matter. "Anna-" she began.

"Or maybe I just don't want to let you off that easy," Anna said.

"Easy?" Elsa repeated.

"I told you, just getting out all my anger and then forgiving and forgetting – that won't solve a thing," Anna said. The clarity in her voice was becoming unnerving.

"Then…what will?" Elsa asked with trepidation.

Anna pointed a finger. "You," she said. "You, staying here with me, for as long as you can. That's how you make it up to me."

"I will," Elsa said instantly. She reached forward and hugged Anna, and Anna hugged her back. "I promise, I won't leave you here alone like I did last time."

Now tears returned to Anna's eyes. "Good," she whispered. "Because if you did…"

Elsa looked at her, alarmed by the intensity of her gaze.

"…I don't think I'll ever forgive you."