Chapter eighteen

Stay with me

Stop it

Elsa heard that familiar voice in her head, far away and quiet. She ignored it.

Stop this, Elsa. Stop it right now.

It was louder now, but still quieter than the sound of Anna's heavy breathing. She tried to push it from her mind.

You need to stop kissing your sister right this fucking second, Elsa!

The voice was right, she knew, but she tried to ignore it still. If only it would just go away, she and Anna could stay here forever and be happy.

Stay here, in the seat Mom used to sit in when she read you stories?

That one got through to her. Her body went stiff as a board, and she pulled her mouth away from Anna's.

"Elsa, what's wrong?" Anna asked. Elsa barely heard her.

Just think of what Mom and Dad would say if they could see you now. Look at what you've done to their daughter!

Her heart had already been beating fast, but now it was racing, her eyes wide and panicked.

"Don't freak out," Anna said, but it was far too late for that.

Get the fuck away from her!

Elsa couldn't tell whose voice had said that, but she scrambled to obey. With no other escapes available, she pushed herself to the side, falling off the couch. She meant to get to her feet, but her head hit the floor and scrambled the last rational train of thought within her.

"Elsa!" Anna shouted. She ran to her side and tried to take her hand. "Elsa, calm down!"

Elsa didn't hear her at all. She flailed madly at Anna's touch, scratching her arm with her nails. Anna recoiled from the pain and could only watch, horrified. Elsa's eyes darted around the room, not focusing on anything, and one hand clutched at her madly beating heart.

You've truly achieved nothing. For the past five years, you've had two simple goals: make a life for yourself, and don't drag Anna into your dysfunction. Two fucking weeks, and both of those are in ruins. You might as well have spent the last half decade locked in your room, touching yourself every time you heard Anna's voice, for all the good it did you.

The voice kept going, unbothered by her mania. She could only lie on the floor, hyperventilating, and listen to it. Anna hovered by her, hand to her chest, looking at the wretched state her sister was in with fear and pity.

Anna, at least, came to her senses quickly. She knelt down by Elsa, careful not to touch her, and held up a single finger. She held it in front of Elsa's face, and waited until her eyes focused on it. Once they had, she held up a second finger, then a third, then a fourth, then a fifth. She lingered on five for a short while, then went down to four, then three, then two, then one. As she repeated the pattern, Elsa began to understand, recalling the old exercise she hadn't needed for nearly a decade.

Inhale. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

Exhale. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.

Though it felt like her chest would explode, Elsa forced herself to breathe to this rhythm. As her breathing slowed, her heart had no choice but to follow suit. Gradually, her racing mind began to slow as well. Her pupils contracted, and her grip on her chest and the carpet relaxed. Anna patiently continued the counting exercise until it was clear she was no longer watching, yet still breathing slowly. Her shoulders sagged, and at last, she was able to start thinking rationally again. She nearly started to panic again as she began to think about all the implications of what they had just done, but she forced herself to stay calm.

With another deep breath, she pushed herself off the floor, bracing herself against the sofa. Anna held out an arm, but she pushed it away and got to her feet on her own power. "We shouldn't have done that," she said.

Anna winced, as if she'd been slapped. "Don't say that," she said.

"It's true," Elsa said, beginning to pace and running her hands through the tangled mess her hair had devolved into. "I can't believe we just…oh god, how could I let this happen, I'm so sorry, I didn't-"

"Sorry for what?" Anna demanded. "Me kissing you?"

"That's not what I meant," Elsa said quickly.

"Oh, really?" Anna asked, trying to keep her cool. "Maybe I'm losing my memory in my old age, Elsa, but I could swear I just got done yelling at you for treating everything like it's your damn fault. Mind telling me how this isn't that?"

"I…I…" Elsa tried.

Would you just stop, you idiot? Is there any direction you're capable of digging other than straight down?

She cut herself off. Turning so Anna wouldn't see, she dug her fingernails into the side of her arm, using the pain as a hard reset for her train of thought.

You've made a lot of mistakes since you got back. What just happened is the culmination of all of them. And if you want any chance of things turning out even remotely well for either of you, every single word that comes out of your mouth is going to have to be the perfect fucking word for the situation.

She turned back around with a swiftness that made Anna jump. "You're right," she said, gingerly walking back towards the sofa. "This is exactly that. You're the one who…kissed me." Just saying those words sent a tremble down her spine.

Anna nodded. "Okay," she said. "Now would you mind explaining why you reacted like I just killed your cat?"

Elsa took a steadying breath, then put her palms together. What she had to say next was definitely going to piss her off, and yet it couldn't be avoided. "Why…did you kiss me?"

Anna scoffed. "Are you-"

"Please, Anna, humor me," Elsa said. "I need to hear you say it."

Anna looked at her incredulously, but Elsa fixed her with a gaze that assured her, wordlessly, that this was vitally important for her. Anna splayed her fingers out on her lap and looked up. "Because I love you," she said. "Because I wanted to, because I thought you wanted it as well."

Elsa took a deep breath. "Okay," she said. She ran her hands through her hair, seemingly trying to pull it into a ponytail before giving up. "Okay," she repeated. "Let's…let's examine that one.'

Her tone and expression made Anna wither. "You don't believe me?" she said in a quiet voice.

"What? No, no no no," Elsa said quickly, waving her hand. "Of course I do." She fell silent, desperately trying to chart a path forward.

Anna pressed her palm to her temple. "Yeah, you must, or else you wouldn't have freaked out like that, right?" she muttered. "Then why…why...?"

She was on the verge of tears, radiating confusion, hurt, and anger in equal measures, and Elsa couldn't blame her one bit. She deserved to understand what was going on, Elsa knew. She needed the truth – the whole truth.

And that was the funny thing, wasn't it? For all her high minded pledges that she'd be nothing but truthful, Elsa had been all too happy to omit and steer away from the truths that really hurt. What good were scraps of honesty if she couldn't stomach telling her what she really needed to hear?

You really should've told her this a week ago, when you two were cleaning the basement. But no, you ran away instead, like you always do. Well, it's too late for that now. Now plant your feet, tell her what you need to tell her, and pray on bended knee that she takes it the right way.

Elsa gulped. "It's because…I'm afraid."

Now Anna was truly baffled. "Afraid of what?" she asked, fighting a losing battle to keep her voice level. "Christ, didn't you travel across the country because you were afraid I didn't love you back?"

"That's not why I left," Elsa said. "I was never afraid that you'd hate me, or be repulsed by me, or anything like that. I was afraid of the opposite."

"The opposite? What does that even-" A thought struck her. "What are you saying, Elsa?" she asked slowly.

"I'm saying that you've always been accommodating for me," Elsa said. "You've always tried to help me out at your own expense, meet me halfway, see where I'm coming from." She clenched her fist. "But I couldn't let that happen. Not for this."

"So you think that's what this is?" Anna asked. "Me, making out with you just because it's what you want?"

"I know that it could be," Elsa said resolutely. "And that's enough. I can't let you throw your life away just to try and improve mine, and I can't allow myself to pull you down with me. I'm grateful that you tried, but I'm just not worth it. That's the last word on the matter." She stood tall and tried to make herself look from and resolute, as if she couldn't be budged.

Anna should've reacted by getting mad, shouting at her or storming off. Yet again, she did no such thing.

"Is that how it is?" she asked, her voice soft and controlled. A smug, knowing smile graced her lips.

Elsa's confidence held up about as well as it ever had. "Yes, it is," she said. "Y-you see where I'm coming from, don't you?"

"Oh, I do," Anna said, pushing herself off the couch. "For the first time in forever, I really do. But I don't think you see where I'm coming from yet."

"I…I…" Elsa stammered.

Anna walked right up to her, until mere inches separated them once again. "I love you, Elsa, in the exact same way you love me," she said, staring deep into her eyes. "And I think…maybe I always did. I just wasn't mature enough to realize it. But now that I have…" She smiled. "I want to explore this relationship with you. As far as it goes."

All the color drained from Elsa's face. "You don't know that," she whispered. "You can't be sure that you'd want that."

"I wasn't," Anna said, her smile widening. "Until just now, when I kissed you. Now I'm sure."

Elsa gasped. "…Oh," she said.

She stared deep into Anna's eyes, searching for a hint of uncertainty, or untruth. She found neither.

Her eyes unfocused, and she felt her heart accelerating as her vision swam. Anna immediately dropped her smile as she saw the change. "Elsa," she said sharply, putting her hands on the side of Elsa's face and steering her gaze back into her eyes. "Stay with me, Elsa."

Elsa jabbed her fingernails into her palm, forcing down the panic rising within herself. She used the pain as another reset, taking a few steps back and steeling her gaze. "Well, it doesn't matter what either of us want," she said. "We can't be together."

Anna raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really?" she said, unconvinced.

"Trust me, I've had a lot of time to think this over," Elsa said. "It would be a terrible idea for both of us."

Anna folded her arms. "All right," she said. "The jury will now hear your arguments."

"They're not arguments, they're facts," Elsa said. "And the fact is, if we did this, you can kiss any chance of having a normal life goodbye."

Anna snorted. "Is that the best you've got?" she scoffed. "What does that even mean, 'a normal life'? Find a husband, become a housewife, have 2.6 children? Don't think that one was in the cards for me anyway."

"It doesn't have to be that," Elsa said. "It could be anything other than just being with me."

Anna pondered this for a moment. "Pass," she said. "Next reason."

"Next reason?" Elsa said, getting flustered by Anna's nonchalance. "How about all your friends severing ties with you when they find out?"

"Yeah, because the first thing I'm gonna do is blab to everyone I know," Anna said. "That'd really spice up our next Smash tournament."

"Nothing stays a secret forever," Elsa said. "There'd always be a chance."

"If you're asking if I'd trade my limited friend circle for you, the answer is yes, any day," Anna said. "What else you got?"

Elsa was stunned. Every time she'd imagined how this conversation might play out in her head, she'd never pictured Anna being so casual about the matter. "It's…illegal," she said lamely.

"Oh my god, Elsa, are you serious right now?" Anna asked.

"It is," Elsa insisted.

"So that's why we can't be together?" Anna asked. "Because the cops will break down the front door and arrest us?"

"Would you take this seriously, Anna?" Elsa demanded.

"I am," Anna said. "I'm waiting for a good reason, not these lame excuses."

All right, then. I hoped I wouldn't have to say this one out loud, but you forced my hand.

"Mom and Dad," Elsa said. "They wouldn't have wanted us to be like this."

This one at least gave Anna pause. She genuinely appeared to think about it for a while. Then, eventually, she looked back at Elsa. "We don't know that for sure."

Elsa scoffed. "Yeah, I'm pretty fucking sure about that one!" she said, a little too loudly.

"They wanted us to be happy, and to be together," Anna insisted. "However we manage to pull that off is our business, not theirs."

Elsa clenched her fist harder, feeling a drop of blood trickle from the heel of her palm. "Get real, Anna!" she demanded. "They'd be furious, and you know it!"

"Okay, fine," Anna said angrily. "You're right, they wouldn't have been happy about it. Mom would've shouted, Dad would've pleaded, and it would've been painful for all of us. But eventually, they would've seen how important it was for us. And they would've come around – maybe not enough to be happy about it, but they at least would've accepted it. I really think they would've."

Elsa turned away. "Yeah, well," she muttered, "we'll never know now, will we?"

Anna gasped. "Elsa!"

Elsa instantly knew she'd gone too far. "I'm sorry," she said, turning back to Anna and trying to catch her gaze. "You're right, I shouldn't have said that. I still don't blame you, I-"

"Why are you being like this?" Anna demanded. "I want us to be together, Elsa. Why can't you even give that a try?"

Elsa began cooking up some quick answer about how it just 'wasn't meant to be' or 'it could never work'. Then she stopped. She sighed, closed her eyes, and slowly withdrew her nails from her palm. "It's because I'm afraid."

Anna splayed her palms upward. "Yeah, we established that-"

"No, that's not even the half of it," Elsa said. She opened her eyes. "I'm afraid I'll break something between us."

Anna had already started to cool down, but she actively shivered when she looked into Elsa's wide, fearful eyes. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, what if I do something you're really not comfortable with? What if I push you down a path you think you want, but it turns out you hate it?" She trembled. "What if I chase away the only person I've ever loved?"

Tears formed in her eyes. "Oh god, Anna, I'm so afraid. I don't want to risk losing you, I can't…I can't…"

Anna pulled her into a hug, and tears fell from her eyes like waterfalls. Anna felt a lump in her throat as she stroked her sister's hair. "It's okay, Elsa, it's okay," she whispered. "You won't lose me. I promise."

Elsa could only sob in reply, and so Anna tightened her hug. Elsa hugged her back, gripping her as if she might slip away otherwise. Anna tried to think of something to say that could quell Elsa's tears, but none came to her, and so she could only stand there and listen to her cry.

But eventually her tears slowed on their own accord. When they had subsided to sniffles, Anna placed her hands on Elsa's shoulders and gently maneuvered her until they were staring face to face once again.

"All right, Elsa, now here's the situation," she said. "I want to be with you. You want that too, but you're afraid you'll screw it up if we try to make it work. Am I on track so far?" Elsa nodded. "Well, here's the thing: that won't happen. It can't. There's nothing you could do that would ever make me stop loving you." She smiled. "And you wouldn't anyway. You know why?"

Elsa shook her head.

"Because you, Elsa Winters, are the kindest, most compassionate woman on the planet. In the two weeks you've been back here, you've never overstepped a single boundary between us, not once. I can't think of anyone I'd trust more than you." She caressed the side of Elsa's face. "Or anyone I'd rather have as a girlfriend."

Elsa managed a watery smile. "You're gonna make me cry again, Anna," she said.

"Go ahead, then," Anna said. "As much as you need to."

Elsa took a couple deep breaths. "No," she said eventually. "I think I'm okay now."

"Good," Anna said. "If that's the case…I'd like to kiss you again. Do you want me to?"

A shadow of the old worry returned to Elsa's face. "This is all so much, so fast," she said. "I never thought we'd be-"

"Answer the question, woman," Anna interrupted.

Elsa answered honestly. "Yes, I do," she said.

And so they did.