Chapter nineteen

Night zero

The night rolled inexorably forward. The old clock upon the mantle ticked away, resolute and diligent in spite of the bombshells that had been dropped in this very room. Outside, a solitary car drove along the road. Its headlights spilled through the living room windows for a second, illuminating the two women sitting in the center of the room. Their legs were folded beneath them, knees nearly touching.

"So, how's this going to go down?" Anna asked.

"You're absolutely sure you want to go forward with this?" Elsa asked once again.

Anna nodded.

"Then we start how any relationship would," Elsa said. "We go on a date."

Anna raised an eyebrow. "Aren't we a bit past that?" she asked, glancing at the sofa.

Elsa shook her head. "We are not going to rush a single step of this, Anna. I want this to be as close to a normal relationship as possible. Tomorrow is day one, we start at square one. Besides, I've already…" She looked down. "…gone further with you than any other woman," she finished, blushing.

"Say no more," Anna said quickly. "We'll go at your speed. Nothing happens until you give the go ahead."

She'd meant this to be reassuring, but Elsa looked like she'd just been handed the nuclear football. "Okay," she said, in a poor facsimile of someone keeping it together. "I'll try not to go too fast. Or too slow. Or be too needy, or-"

"So, where are we headed first?" Anna said, interrupting her before she started to spiral. "Tomorrow's a Saturday, there's all sorts of things we could get up to."

"Oh, uh, of course," Elsa said. "Yes, our first date…" She began staring off into the distance, gesturing with her fingers like she sometimes would when working out a difficult problem at work.

"It doesn't have to be a big production," Anna said after thirty seconds of silence. "Don't overthink it."

Elsa broke from her trance to look at her. "Anna, honey, look who you're talking to," she said flatly.

Anna sighed. "Fair enough. How about…" She cupped her chin in thought. "…roller skating?"

Elsa raised an eyebrow. "Roller skating?" she repeated.

"Yeah. You remember that skating rink on Main, right? I'm pretty sure it's still open."

"The last time we went there, I was twelve," Elsa said. "I spent half the visit gripping onto the railing, terrified I would fall over."

"Well, you'll be holding onto something else this time, won't you?" Anna said matter-of-factly. "It's a nice, casual time, the pizza's good, and nobody will look at us weird if we start clinging to one another."

"I guess," Elsa said. "Wasn't there a bowling alley right next door? They have good pizza too."

"Are you saying that you're better at bowling than skating?" Anna asked.

"Oh, I'd never say that," Elsa said with a chuckle.

"All right, then, it's your choice," Anna said. "The alley, or the rink?"

"The rink," Elsa said after a moment's thought. "You're right, it could be a fun time."

Anna smiled. "It's a date, then," she said.

"Y…yeah," Elsa said, her heart only fluttering instead of palpitating. Baby steps.

She got to her feet, but a strange lethargy pulled at her. Though it wasn't that late, the emotional rollercoaster she'd been on that day had taken its toll on her. "Jesus, I'm beat," she said with a yawn. "I think I'm gonna turn in for the night, okay?"

"Oh, uh, sure," Anna said, glancing at the clock. "We do have a big day tomorrow, don't we?"

"Heh," Elsa said. "You said it, sister."

Sister. Sister. You're dating your sister now.

That voice in her head returned, beating against the side of her skull. Her anxiety began to spike again, and she turned away, hoping to conceal it from Anna. As with so many other things that night, she failed.

Anna took her hand, pulling her attention back. "Elsa," she said.

Elsa looked at her. "Yes?"

Anna smiled warmly. "It's going to work out, Elsa. I promise, we'll make it work."

Doubt filled Elsa's mind, but she found herself unable to vocalize it. Anna looked so happy, and her hand was so warm…

Elsa smiled. "Good night, my little sunflower," she said.

Anna beamed. "Night," she said, brushing away a tear.

Early to bed, early to rise. That was the old saying. Of course, it was a massive simplification of the reality, which read as follows: Asleep at 10, awake at 2.

Elsa stared at her ceiling, then her wall, then the other wall, then the ceiling again. She desired nothing in this world more than sleep, yet her body refused to give it to her. Left awake, her mind was unloading on her, and this time Anna wasn't there to speak in her defense.

How dare you agree to go on a date with her? If you had any decency, you'd be on the next flight back to California right this second!

Ah yes, running away – because that had solved so many of her problems already, why not keep it up?

It's the only solution you deserve. Every day you stay, you'll just make things worse.

Anna hadn't been getting worse. She'd only been getting better the more time they spent together. If she left now, it'd crush her – she might never leave the house again.

And how much 'better' will she be when she wakes up one morning and realizes just what you've done to her? How you've corrupted the only familial bond that she has left?

She wants this too. She said she wants to go forward, that she might've wanted it all along.

Oh, please. Do you really think you're that lucky? There's no way she's not just going along with it to keep you around.

I have to trust her. She wouldn't lie to me about that.

Want to bet your entire relationship with her on it?

I already have. She's my whole world, and I'm all she's got. She made her move, and now we're together.

Oh, perfect, a toxic co-dependency. Fertile grounds for a healthy relationship, I'm sure.

Maybe it isn't. But I'm committed now. The best course of action is to stay the course.

And ain't that a sad fucking statement?

Elsa dug her fingernails into her palm again, which was still raw from her last jab at it.

It's all come undone now. Your career has flatlined. Your resolve crumbled from one single kiss. At least in California, you had the opportunity to start moving in the right direction. Now that's gone. Your decade of struggle has ended in failure.

Elsa clutched her tear-soaked pillow, jabbing it with her nails instead of her own hand. "Damn it," she muttered.

Then she shook her head, wiped the tears from her eyes, and flipped the pillow over.

All right. That struggle is over. Complete failure, F minus. But now I have a new battle, one I start with a clean slate.

Tomorrow was day one, square one, she had said. That meant that right now, it was night zero. She was Elsa Winters, a woman who had entered into a relationship with her sister. No matter how unfortunate or unnatural the events which led her to this point had been, they were now in the past. Her new struggle, starting tomorrow, was to be both a good sister and a good girlfriend, to not break Anna's heart. She hadn't even tried to do that yet, which meant that in this one esoteric category, she had a blank slate. No amount of browbeating or self-flagellation would have even the slightest effect on her date tomorrow. Her brainpower would be better suited to recollecting the finer points of skating than the magnitude of her failure.

Her brain quickly composed a venomous comeback, but it fell on deaf ears. Her mind was now occupied with thoughts of the skating rink, the nearby restaurants, and anything else that might actually be of use tomorrow. She even managed a yawn, suggesting that more sleep might be in her near future after all. But not just yet. For the first time in forever, she had a date tomorrow, with a beautiful girl that deserved the absolute world, and it was her job to make sure it went well.

And if it did end up being a disaster – well, it'd better not be because she was too busy feeling sorry for herself to show her sister a good time.