"Come now, Luci, let's not get ahead of ourselves-" Michael laughed, he looked visibly uncomfortable- at least to Lucifer- and the Devil knew him quite well. Unless Michael has spent their years apart systematically unlearning every little tell his brother knew from their days before Man, there was a good chance that he had hit the nail on the head with his guess.
"You can't be injured. You're... you're Michael." Lucifer would have rather been right about the evil clone theory, if he was being honest.
"I never said I was." Michael waved his concern away with his right hand, and Lucifer could see hints of a pained grimace trying to break through his calm façade.
"You never said you weren't, either." The Devil narrowed his eyes, watching the eyes in the halos that avoided meeting his gaze, instead, they were looking around at the mess in Lucifer's room. "Nuh uh." Lucifer snapped his clawed fingers near Michael's face. "Don't look at that, look at me."
"I am looking at you."
"All your eyes, dumbass." Lucifer snapped again. "Look at me, and tell me that you're fine. Tell me I'm wrong."
"You're..." Michael had to take a deep breath. All his eyes were focused on his brother. Slowly, the eyes in both of the halos started drifting away again. "You're wrong."
"You're looking away again." Lucifer's reply was flat. "God, you were always such a shitty ass liar. That's why I had to do all the PR bullshit to tell everyone things were great when they definitely weren't. Who does that now? Uri? Raph? Gabe?"
"Gabe... mostly." Not even the eyes on Michael's face would look at him now. "Sometimes Uri. Raph doesn't like doing the announcements."
"He never did." The Devil gave a snort of amusement. It seemed not much had really changed with his siblings over their years of separation. Raphael had always avoided any type of public announcement unless it had to do with public health and safety. He always preferred to give big news in a one-on-one setting. Said it made for a better, more understanding environment. Lucifer continued watching Michael, observing every little expression. "How bad is the injury?" Michael's head snapped back to look at him, but his other eyes stayed distracted.
"What injury?"
"You're injury, fuck-ass. I'm assuming it's somewhere on your right side between your shoulder and wrist." Lucifer watched as Michael shifted uncomfortably.
"That is a really interesting theory you have."
"What happened?" Lucifer wasn't going to let this drop. He didn't give a shit about Michael; the fucker could collapse dead on his floor for all he cared. (Actually, no. That wouldn't be a good look for Hell if the Archangel of Judgement, the Virtue of Charity, the Leader of Heaven's legions, just dropped dead on the Devil's plush carpeting. He wasn't exactly looking for a war with Heaven at the moment. For one thing, he was injured, and in no condition to go to battle with Cherubim, nevertheless Michael's stab-happy Seraphim. For another, going to war meant seeing War the Horseman, and that asshole had left a hole in Lucifer's window last time they crossed paths. He already had to deal with War's kid. Between Adam and Cain, himself and his stupid siblings, and the recent argument with Charlie' there wasn't room enough in Hell for another layer of Family drama.) The fact that Michael had been injured was not news Lucifer wanted to hear- not out of any sense of brotherly love- but rather that meant there was something out there capable of hurting him.
"What do you mean?"
"Don't play dumb with me, Michael, I'm too tired and injured to humor this."
"Well, maybe if you would let Raphael back in and let him finish treating you, you might recover much more quickly." Michael's eyes finally refocus back on him.
"Does he know you're injured?"
"I feel like you're getting off topic here." Michael shut him down again.
"Listen, shit seems like it's getting pretty out of hand. I just had a very unfortunate meeting with the Horsemen. Have you talked to them recently?"
"Not since I returned. I had to assist Charon when she... unexpectedly changed positions. But other than that? No."
"Well, they actually came to visit me." Lucifer thought it might be best to leave out the part about how he neglected their meeting attempts for months on end- but that was really Syn's fault. She had been the one who never told him who the eleven o'clock meeting was actually with. It made all the difference. Had he known it was the Horsemen, he definitely would have probably accepted his fate and just sat through the damn meeting... maybe.
"I was wondering about the horse-shaped hole in the window."
"Well, you're the one who blessed my stupid floors and made it so the only way War could cross was by bringing the fucking horse."
"I would have fixed that, but you kicked me out." Michael reminded him rather flatly. Lucifer sighed heavily.
"Listen, Michael, I could fight with you all day about all the idiotic, thoughtless decisions you made when you barged in here unannounced and just started fucking up the place with all your screwy angel-mojo. Which, now that I think about it, could be a result of your injury."
"I have been out doing important work. Where I was, there was no need to reign in my aura. It was simply a mistake."
"Fighting, sounds like, judging by the injury. Also, you're Michael, Heaven's not gonna have you sweeping floors. Though I am sure you would if they asked."
"Of course."
"Fucking kiss-ass." Lucifer still hadn't gotten a straight answer from his ex-brother. That was typical Michael. He was always coy when it came to bad news. Lucifer saw the eyes in the halos above Michael's head start to drift again. If Lucifer wanted to weasel information out of him, he would need to do this in a more... underhanded way. Despite the hatred between the two, Lucifer knew Michael. He knew how to draw what he wanted out from him. "Hey, listen, about Azrael," and that would mean being a little vulnerable with him, to get that guard down. "I didn't know." He saw Michael's eyes narrow.
"Didn't know? We messaged you countless times. We called on the Heaven phone over and over again. We sent you letters, even an invitation to her funeral."
"I never got a single letter, but in all fairness, Hell Mail isn't very reliable." Was this really going to be worth it? Lucifer had to decide if the lecture would really balance out with the intel he would get if he played his cards right. Michael didn't look pleased with his response.
"What about the calls? You never answered."
"I may have put the Heaven phone in storage. It's not like we used it that much. We hadn't heard from you assholes in centuries before I put it away."
"You can't just put it away! It was for emergencies!"
"Name one time you ever used it for an emergency prior to Azrael!"
"War."
"Excuse me?"
"When War of the Four Horsemen went mad and tried to overthrow the other three and we had to replace him with the current one."
"... right." Lucifer vaguely recalled the incident. It had been a pretty big deal at the time. He and Lilith had to entertain the new War at one of their many parties, introduce him to Hell's upper echelon. From that point on, Lucifer hadn't really dealt with Abdiel again, outside of getting wasted at one of the parties hosted in Wrath and hiring his son. But in all fairness, the Devil had no need to interact with the Horsemen on a regular basis. Their jobs didn't exactly coincide. "But that was ages ago. And it was once. Once in how many years?"
"It doesn't matter how often. Once is enough when it comes to emergencies."
"Once in an eternity is not enough to make me have to look at your gaudy fucking reminder of how far I've Fallen every single day I'm in my office. I would say sue me, but we all know where the good lawyers all ended up." Lucifer smirked. Come on, Michael, take the bait.
"I'm sorry if it didn't fit your aesthetic, but if you wanted us to send you one in another color or something you could always just ask."
"But that would involve talking to you." A part of Lucifer felt bad about using Azrael as a launching point- he really did feel horrible about what happened to her. (The fact that he had missed her funeral still bothered him.) And, despite how much be hated Michael, he knew the flying blue pigeon well enough to know he would have been devastated by such a loss.
"You have to talk to me eventually. It's simply the nature of our jobs. You're the one who called me back." Michael was getting annoyed, frustrated, upset. And if Lucifer remembered enough about his brother, this was all going to go according to plan.
"I called you here because I wanted to talk to you face to face about the Exterminations." It was integral to the plan for Lucifer to keep a cool head.
"Yes, I wanted to discuss that with you as well. This was unauthorized, I don't even know how something like this even happened-"
"Sounds to me like you're losing a bit of control Upstairs." Lucifer pointed above him with his index finger on his only full hand. All of Michael's eyes followed the finger, looking up. Lucifer could see frustration starting to build in his gaze.
"Oh, like you have everything perfect down here." All of the eyes Michael had, moved at once to glare directly at the Devil in question. Now he was properly riled up.
"No, but I am missing some body parts, I can't exactly go running around in Hell like this. You're the one trying to fix Heaven with that injured wrist."
"Shoulder." Michael snapped. And quickly the realization of what he said started to sink in. Lucifer smirked. Hook, line, and sinker. After all these years he could still play his brother better than that golden fiddle that no one won off of him in that Song Battle in Georgia. "Ah jellybeans."
"You're in Hell, Michael, you can actually say fuck." The Archangels didn't swear. In fact, while in Heaven, it was actually very difficult to even do so. If you wanted to, you had to really try. However, in Hell the rules were a little shaky. Lucifer had learned this when he had heard a rather reality shattering F-bomb from Raphael when Gabriel had brought Lucifer to him. Turns out, angels can swear all they want in Hell. So, Michael's weird little 'jellybean' comment was entirely a personal choice. "So... shoulder, huh?" Lucifer's self-righteous little smirk slowly fell off his face as the reality of the situation started to sink in. "Does Raphael know?" The eyes in both of Michael's halos glared at him.
"Of course he knows."
"Can't blame me for asking. Hiding an injury is something you'd do." Lucifer had served as Michael's boss at one point during a time of combat. He remembered how he acted.
"It's something you'd do. Not me."
"You literally just hid it from me."
"Yeah, but not from Raph! This sort of thing is on a need-to-know-basis."
"I feel like I very much need to know."
"You very much do not."
"Was what hurt you... Corrupted?" Lucifer could play this guessing game all night. He had nothing but time on his... one hand.
"I am not answering your questions." Michael's eyes looked away almost instantly. God he was still such an easy read after all this time.
"That's definitely a: Yes." Lucifer went through all the trouble of reaching into his night stand, pulling out a notepad, reaching back in, pulling out a pen, and starting to scribble. "Corrupted... okay, next question, was it bigger than a breadbox?"
"This was a mistake. I thought you wanted to work on these issues together, but clearly I was wrong." Michael stood up again.
"I do want to work on this. But it can be a little hard to trust you when you've been hiding things from me since you got back. Where exactly were you? What happened with Azrael? How did she die?"
"We don't know. It has something to do with the Old Ones, but the extent of it is still being uncovered." To his surprise, Michael gave him a rather direct answer as he sat back down, hands in his lap.
"How did you guys... find out?"
"The scary thing is, we had no idea until Charon came to us with Death's halo over her head." The two angelic Horsemen did have unique halos, unlike any other angels of any rank.
"It's not like Heaven to get blindsided." Lucifer put the notepad down. His point had been made. "So, you guys didn't put the new girl in charge?" He would have commented on Charon's perceived lack of training for the role- waiting for an appointment versus busting into Lucifer's house with news the way Azrael would have done- but it didn't sound as if Michael had any input in the choice.
"No. From what Charon explained. She just felt cold all over and the next thing she knew, she had become Death. It sounds like it was quite the traumatic experience for her, as I am sure you can imagine, so of course we offered her therapy-"
"Yes, shockingly, I can imagine how it feels to be traumatized by Heaven." Lucifer had to cut him off, his expression completely flat. Michael immediately shut his mouth tightly.
"R-right, sorry. All of this to say: it was quite the different experience for us. When War had to be changed, I was actively a part of that. I had to strip him of his title and bestow it upon another. He didn't just die- I mean he's probably dead now since he doesn't have the Horsemen's immortality."
"You are really good at stripping people of their power." Lucifer nodded solemnly as he watched Michael squirm under his gaze.
"S... sorry..." Michael stared hard at his own hands in his lap, doing everything in his power to avoid looking at Lucifer.
"So, you picked the current War? Because he rode a horse through my window, so I have some notes." The Devil had made him uncomfortable long enough. He needed information, watching Michael suffer was just an added bonus.
"Not exactly. Metatron just told me who was going to be next. I don't think we decide it so much as it just kind of happens."
"Sounds to me like she needs her fucking head examined, but I could have told you guys that way before this whole fiasco." Lucifer couldn't miss a golden opportunity for insult when it presented itself to him. He was the Devil after all. "So, how much progress have you made in the Azrael case?"
"Not as much as I would like. Things took a turn, other stuff came up, time got away from me... and next thing I know, Raph is dragging me back to Heaven because of a very minor injury." None of what Michael had said filled Lucifer with any degree of confidence. (And he highly questioned the veracity of the minor part of Michael's injury claim. Raphael was no stranger to wounds, and the idea that something happened to Michael to make Raphael nervous enough to order a retreat was unsettling at best.) It was far easier for Lucifer to envision Heaven as some sort of puppeteer pulling every string of misery so tightly that they strangled out any hint of hope or happiness the Devil had ever felt. The idea that something was eluding them didn't sit well with the King of Hell.
"And you're sure you had no hand in the Exterminations?" Lucifer hated the idea that someone had somehow forged Michael's signature even more than the concept that Michael himself had ordered the slaughter. Michael's eyes narrowed, he straightened his posture, Lucifer could feel the room getting cold again. Michael's regulation of his powers, of his emotions was completely shot. It could be that Michael was honest and he was simply out of practice at keeping himself in check after having been doing something at full power for who knows how long. (Which, in and of itself was an alarming thought as there were not many places, many beings that could handle the full force of Michael's power.) Or, perhaps, Michael was struggling to deal with a Corrupted wound and was dealing with the side effects the way Lucifer had. But if that was the case...
No. Lucifer didn't even want to conceptualize something like that.
"I never gave that order." Michael's voice was calm, but firm. "There is no way I could have. I wasn't in Heaven. But the Exterminations are over. I saw to it when I got back."
"And you ran into my daughter's no-longer-dead friend. You had quite the busy trip home after you kidnapped Charlie and dragged her to Purgatory." Lucifer remarked. Michael opened his mouth and Lucifer shot him a glare. "If you're about to correct me and say: Port Gatory, I am going to shove this pillow straight down your fucking throat." He lifted the pillow for emphasis, and Michael closed his mouth again. "Thank you." Lucifer put the pillow back down. "So, what are you going to do with what's-his-name up in Heaven now that you have him?"
"Cedric."
"Yeah, him. Whatever. What's the plan?" Lucifer watched as Michael seemed to almost deflate the same way Charlie had done when he called her out on her actions in Purgatory.
"That is an entirely different issue, currently. But it is irrelevant to this conversation." Michael was still hiding things, which was annoying, especially when it came to a redeemed Sinner, which definitely affected Hell.
"You didn't think it was possible, huh? So what? You have him locked away in a prison that's nicer than my fucking house?"
"It's possible. It's always been possible." Michael's answer sounded so nonchalant, so certain that it threw Lucifer for a bit of a loop. "With some degree of restrictions. The current situation has nothing to do with his existence in Heaven. In fact, I would call that the only good sign I've seen in recent days. Of course, the reception Upstairs has been... mixed, especially after recent events."
"Are you having fun being this vague? Or do you get paid by the number of important topics you avoid?" Lucifer raised an eyebrow.
"We don't get paid. There is no use for money in Heaven."
"Motherfucker, it was rhetorical. I was mocking you." It felt as if the insult lost some of its punch when Lucifer was forced to explain it.
"I'll keep you informed as things progress." Michael started to get to his feet again. "Have you reconsidered letting Raphael back in to treat your injuries?"
"There's something more that you're not telling me. Something about Cedric." Lucifer reached out, grabbing Michael's wrist. In all fairness, there seemed to be a lot that Michael was withholding, but the stuff with Cedric seemed to be the most directly related to Hell and Lucifer felt a bit entitled to that kind of information.
"There was a situation. We have it handled." Michael's reply was flat.
"And the situation was...?"
"You have enough on your plate with Hell. You really don't need to start pretending to care about the affairs of Heaven."
"He's one of my people. He's a Sinner."
"He's a Winner and is therefore out of your jurisdiction."
"Can I talk to someone else?" Lucifer wasn't sure why Michael was being so evasive. This all seemed to be important shit that Lucifer would need to know. And yet, he was being pushed to the side like he didn't even fucking matter.
"You can talk to Raph, if you let him back in to treat you."
"... fine. But only because I told Charlie I would think about it." Lucifer didn't want Michael to think he had any influence over that decision. It was entirely Charlie who had convinced the Devil to give these assholes an undeserved second chance. Michael did seem visibly relieved by his response.
"Perfect. I will let him know. Thank you for your time, Lucifer, I appreciate you working with us to solve this issue. If anything relevant comes up, I will be sure to contact you. Please do try to have the Heaven phone available. Or, if you would like to give me an alternative phone number-"
"I am not giving you my fucking number." Lucifer narrowed his eyes. This whole meeting had been out of desperation and the only think Lucifer really got out of it was humiliation. Heaven wouldn't tell him shit, no matter how vital it might be for him to know. Exterminations or not, it seemed obvious to Lucifer that Heaven didn't give a flying fuck about what happened to Hell.
"Very well, then here is ours if you would like the option." Michael handed him a card. Lucifer took it, looking at it with annoyance. "You will have to use the phone in the Church since direct connections to Heaven are difficult- unless you want me to give you a phone from Upstairs! I could get one really quickly if you need-"
"Hard pass."
"But if you need anything while your bedridden-"
"I don't need anything." Lucifer started turning the card over in his hands.
"But if-"
"Hey asshole," Lucifer cut him off, "your calling card is fucking blank."
"Say the name of who you wish to call and it will appear."
"Asshole." Lucifer smirked as blue numbers appeared on the card.
"It reads intent-"
"I think it just recognizes that you're an ass. I don't make the rules." Lucifer made a show of shoving the card in the drawer on his nightstand. Michael sighed heavily.
"Well, I am being called back to Heaven, so I really must get going. Thank you again for the meeting. It was very... informative..."
"If it was, is wasn't because of you." Lucifer made sure to make his discontent known. There was something demeaning about having Michael around- especially given his current state. Lucifer felt a bit as if he were looking into a mirror at the life he could have had, should he had made different choices long ago. It left him feeling... bitter.
"Goodbye, brother, I do hope we speak again soon." Michael bowed his head as he stood in the doorway, turning to look back at the Devil in the bed.
"You should really talk to the Horsemen." Lucifer cringed at the word brother. He didn't want to ever hear that word again, especially not from Michael and friends. "It's important."
"I will be certain to do so. I will alert Raphael to come to see you." And with that, Michael walked down the hall and out of sight. Lucifer put his face in his pillow letting out a scream. Nothing got under his skin more than Heaven. They were worse than Corruption with how miserable they made him feel. How could Michael, fucking Michael, who had once looked Lucifer in the eyes and sliced his wings off, act so nonchalant when they talked? How could he even try to pretend he cared when he was still holding his cards so close to his chest!? Why wouldn't he just say what the fuck was happening back in Heaven. Did they not trust the King of Hell!?
...
Lucifer paused for a moment.
Okay, so, he wasn't the most trustworthy being in the afterlife- especially where Michael was concerned. But this was something that was going to affect everything- not just Heaven and Hell. Surely Michael could get the fuck over himself for the greater good. Heaven loved that kind of forgiveness bullshit, up until it would benefit anyone other than them.
"Is he gone?" Adam poked his head out of the bathroom and Lucifer was ripped from his thoughts by his presence. (That was probably for the best, as the Devil was starting to spiral. The Archangels seemed to be able to put him in a worse mood than anybody else in any dimension.)
"Yeah, he went back to go complain about me to the Metatron because I was mean to him." Lucifer snorted. At least he wasn't afraid of Michael the way that Adam seemed to be. (Or at least, the hatred far outweighed any fear there might have been, lingering in his subconscious.)
"I brought you dessert." Adam walked back into the bathroom, returning with a rather flaky and crumbly looking cake topped with a whipped cream. Lucifer hadn't seen him make this one before. The Devil readjusted himself so he could take the plate and fork. He took a bite. Immediately his face lit up at the flavor.
"It's apple."
"Yeah, I figured that after all that fucking shit you just went through, that it was only fitting for you to finish your day out with the most disgusting flavor in existence." Adam flopped into the chair in which Michael had been sitting. "Cain actually liked apple- which really should have been our first sign that he was headed down a dark path- so I do know how to make a few things with it."
"It's pretty okay." Lucifer wasn't going to admit how good it tasted, nor would Adam want him to. "A little too messy, if you ask me."
"Then don't eat it." Adam moved to take the plate away and Lucifer immediately smacked his hand with the fork.
"Back off." The Devil bared his sharp teeth at the Fallen First Man as warning. If he so much as touched that cake, he was screwed.
"I thought it was messy."
"It is. Don't touch it." Lucifer shoveled the rest of the cake into his mouth, swallowing hard. "Do you have more?"
"Yeah, I gave some to Lysander. Quackers torched his piece. And Syn rolled around on like... thirty percent of what's left."
"Bring me whatever is left."
"Even the pieces Syn crushed?"
"Even those. She's clean enough." This cake was the best dessert Lucifer had tasted in ages. It had been far too long since he had treated himself to Hell's fine dining. Since Lilith had left, and with Charlie moved out, it was hard for Lucifer to find the motivation for those long, lavish meals.
"Suit yourself." Adam took the- now empty- plate and walked over to the door. "Doorknob is blessed again, by the way."
"God fucking damn it, Michael." Lucifer let out another frustrated groan before Adam doubled back and went into the bathroom mirror again. At least Adam had a way of circumventing the hallowed ground the Archangels left in their wake. (It did seem like Michael was struggling with self-control.) Maybe Lucifer could ask Raphael to fix it whenever he decided to show himself. The Devil could already tell he was going to regret letting the annoying green doctor have free reign of his treatment. Raphael hadn't healed him since the Fall. Did he even know how to heal an Infernal being? Or was Lucifer just some sort of test subject on which Raphael could gage his knowledge?
"I just brought the whole pan." Adam reappeared in the bathroom with an entire cake in his hands. Lucifer gripped his fork in anticipation. "Also, there is a shit ton of vomit downstairs for you to deal with at your earliest convenience."
"Just use the holy water." Lucifer looked annoyed, but immediately brightened as he was handed the entire rest of the cake. It was true, about thirty percent of what remained was squashed (it looked like Adam had tried to cover it with the whipped cream. Ah well, the shape of the dessert wouldn't change the flavor. The Devil eagerly dug in.
"I don't know how much of that we have. I'm not wasting it every time I throw up. And by the way, are you sure this is working because I feel like it's happening more and it feels fucking worse every goddamn time it happens and-"
"That's how you know it's working. Lucifer held what was left of his clawed hand up to Adam's lips to shut him up so he could enjoy his cake in silence.
"Ew! Don't touch me with your half-hand!" Adam swatted him away.
"It's not quite half. But I do have some baby claws starting to grow back." Lucifer shoved his hand in Adam's face to show where boney protrusions were starting to be visible through the bandages. "Wanna poke them?"
"Fuck no!"
"Oh, come on, don't be a coward."
"I'm taking your cake back."
"Touch my cake and I'll claw your fucking eyes out. Or..." Lucifer squinted at Adam's mismatched eyes. "Eye? I know you're blind in that one eye but it's still there right?" He reached toward Adam's face again and the First Man recoiled rather quickly.
"Don't touch my fucking eye."
"Don't touch my fucking cake."
"So, what did Michael want, anyway? Other than to kill me. Which he can't even do because I am too tough and powerful."
"Oh please, Michael could delete you. But he won't because you are under my protection," Lucifer waved the wrist of the injured hand and the glowing green chain appeared in his open palm, leading to the collar around Adam's neck. "Remember?" For a moment, Adam's eyes widened and he glanced down at the chain. But his expression soon returned to one of annoyance as he pushed against the glowing links.
"Don't remind me."
"You seem like you needed reminding, what can I say?" Lucifer let the chain vanish as this apple cake was far more interesting than whatever crisis Adam was having in regards to the fate of his immortal soul. Lucifer was by far the better option given the current choices the First Man had before him, and since the lesser of two evils was the literal Devil it just put the severity of Adam's current situation into perspective.
"I really didn't. But I also didn't need to watch you stuff your face like some sort of untethered gremlin experiencing food for the first time, so I suppose I'm just fucked on all counts." Adam kicked his feet up so they were on Lucifer's bed. The Devil looked at him, annoyed, and used his elbow to knock the feet back down. "So, you're really not going to tell me what you and Big Blue talked about?" He immediately tried to put his feet back.
"We talked about how much we hate you. It was a rather productive discussion, if I'm being honest. Michael thinks your wings look stupid. I told him not to say something like that because it was very unbecoming of an angel, but he said it anyway. Right in front of my water glass. I'll be honest, I was shocked."
"I know you're lying because my wings are fucking awesome." As if proving a point, Adam spread them out fully, leaning forward slightly in the chair to allow them room. "Don't be all pissy just because mine are bigger."
"That's about the only thing you have that's bigger, isn't it." Lucifer didn't miss a beat as Adam practically fell out of his chair at the response.
"Listen here you baked bean shaped little rodent-"
"I'm a snake, actually, which is a reptile."
"Actually, you're an Angel which is a back stabbing piece of trash that will pretend to care about you and try to make you happy until you stop being useful, and then suddenly they throw you away like fucking garbage and leave you to rot because you no longer fit into their perfect little world." Adam's words were almost shockingly bitter. The response seemed a little more intense than what Lucifer's banter usually elicited.
"You have a point." It appeared as if the Devil had hit a nerve. An all too familiar nerve at that. Lucifer had been on the receiving side of angelic fury far longer than Adam. (Though, Adam must have remembered the feeling from his expulsion from Eden.) "It was pretty fucking rude for Mike to just fly in here like that, wasn't it?" The heavy air that had settled in after Adam's outburst made Lucifer uncomfortable.
"I guess calling ahead isn't a virtue." Adam visibly relaxed. Lucifer felt relief wash over him. The last thing he needed was Adam having one of his little episodes while the Devil was bedridden without complete access to his magic.
"It never has been." Lucifer laughed. "When I used to work Upstairs, I can't tell you how many times I had angels bursting in at all hours to 'check on my progress'. Like, yeah, they would knock but you know how it is, you always feel kind of obligated to let people in when you're in Heaven. The joy of being in Hell is that you can just tell people to fuck off with no repercussions whatsoever. Like I do with you on the daily."
"You're right, and I don't have to listen." Adam seemed more at ease
"You're supposed to listen, actually. I'm the King."
"Fuck that, I do what I want."
"Yeah, that's not really the way things go. Remember? I'm the Devil? Your Boss?"
"That doesn't sound familiar." Adam shrugged lightly.
"Of course it doesn't." Lucifer frowned.
"Master!" There was a voice from outside the door. Syn would be trapped out there until the doorknob situation was handled as neither Lucifer nor Adam would be able to touch the knob until the blessing dissipated. (Lysander was right out of the question as a Hellborn, War's son or not. UNLESS Lucifer somehow convinced him to have his dad bring the horse and have the horse open the door. It's not like there wasn't already a perfect exit in the form of Lucifer's second story window from which the horse had absconded previously.)
"I can't open the door for you, Syn, I'm sorry. You'll have to ask Adam to take you through the mirror if you need to get inside."
"And don't fly off while you're in there," Adam added helpfully, "I don't want you getting lost." It was almost a nice sentiment from the asshole of a First Man, however, from Lucifer's own experience inside the mirrors, he was fairly certain that Syn couldn't actually get too far, as the ability to jump from mirror to mirror seemed specific to Adam himself.
"I do not need to enter just yet! But I will go to Adam Just Adam when I do! I am simply here to inform you that you have a visitor!" It was good to see that Syn was still incapable of getting Adam's name right on a consistent basis. (At this point though, it seemed like it was going to be far more of a hassle to correct her.)
"Hello Lucifer." Raphael's voice rang out from the other side of the door. Wow. That was... quick. At least Michael had been honest about bringing him.
"Come in." Lucifer sighed. "You're dismissed, Adam." Raphael wouldn't have any issue with the blessed doorknob. The door slowly swung open and Adam was instantly on his feet, bolting toward the bathroom. He practically dove into the mirror.
"He seems... surprisingly coherent." Raphael saw the tail end of Adam's brilliant escape. "Thank you very much for escorting me." He bowed his head to Syn.
"You are welcome! And we hate the red lady with all of the eyes!"
"Uriel?" Raphael looked a little confused.
"Ignore her," Lucifer waved his fork at Syn to shoo her away. "You're dismissed Syn. Go check on Adam and Lysander, make sure they aren't up to anything." The Devil wasn't sure he trusted those two unsupervised. There were times, late at night, he swore he heard crashing sounds followed by them shouting things like: strike!
"Yes Master!" And with that she hurried away. Raphael closed the door behind him. He paused, looking at the knob.
"Michael blessed your door, huh?"
"He sure as fuck did. I don't suppose you can fix it, can you?"
"Yes, of course." Raphael gripped the handle tightly for a moment, before releasing it. "There you are, an unholy doorknob."
"Cool." Lucifer didn't really feel like saying thanks as it almost felt a bit like he had been bullied by Michael to even allow Raphael to come back.
"Do you mind if I see your injuries?" Raphael took the seat that had now sat so many fucking visitors today. Lucifer had gone days without so much as a friendly: hello from anyone other than Adam or his daughter, and now the visits had been pretty much non-stop since he had woken up. He almost wished he could start the whole fucking day over just to mentally prep himself for this shit-show. But if he could travel through time, he'd rather start over from the last Extermination and just kick Adam right back up to Heaven rather than kill him.
"Have at it." Lucifer quickly stuffed the rest of the cake in his mouth before Raphael could ask for a bite. This was his cake goddamnit. Raphael raised an eyebrow, but said nothing as he took the plate from Lucifer and put it to the side. He started undoing the bandages.
"Your earliest injury seems to be this bite on your neck..." He pressed his finger adjacent to the spot on Lucifer's throat where Adam had decided to sink his teeth months ago and start this whole fucking slew of problems that had been plaguing Lucifer ever since. (That was the last time Lucifer ever tried to help anyone up. They say the path to Hell was paved with good intentions- but as of right now, those good intentions seemed to lead more toward R'lyeh.) "I assume you were bitten by Adam?" Raphael examined the bite closely.
"Yeah. But it's not what you think!" Lucifer spoke up quickly as he saw the green eyes in both of Raphael's halos narrow at him. "I was helping him up after he kinda... passed out, and he bit me that's how I got bit."
"... right, I assure you, Lucifer, it really doesn't matter." Raphael continued his examination. "Well, your recovery is going as well as expected without my direct help, which is to say: slow. Your magic was already being depleted while trying to heal this bite long before the attack. No wonder you're struggling. If you'll allow me, I can help accelerate all of this, but first I need to thoroughly clean all the afflicted areas with potent holy water."
"Do whatever, I don't give a fuck so long as I get my limbs back quicker." Lucifer braced himself for the unpleasantness he was about to feel. But he wouldn't wince or groan in pain. He wasn't about to give Raphael the fucking satisfaction.
"You should." Raphael pulled a cloth out of his bag as well as a rather large jug of the holy water. He started to wet the cloth.
"Hey," Lucifer decided to try to distract himself as this next part was going to hurt. "Did you know that Michael was injured?" If any of his siblings would give him a straight answer: it would be Raphael. As the virtue of Patience, he had an overwhelming amount of it, despite his curt tone, he was a shockingly gentle soul. During the Fall, Raphael had offered to treat Lucifer's injuries. Of course, the Devil had refused on principal, but the gesture had never been forgotten.
"Yes, I was there when it happened." Raphael placed the cloth on Lucifer's neck and it stung, but he kept his expression rather stoic.
"What happened?"
"Cthulhu got him."
"He's AWAKE!?" Lucifer struggled to sit up. The last the Devil knew; the Old Ones were in a state of stasis, dead and dreaming in their own realm, cut off from everyone else. At least... most of them. (There had been a few... escapees over the years. But that really was more of Heaven and Earth's problem.)
"Relax, relax." Raphael chided him as his attention was turned to the bite wounds on Lucifer's abdomen, courtesy of the Shoggoth. "They're back to sleep for now, but there was no way we were going to be able to continue with Michael hurt. Shoggoth wounds are annoying, but you're powerful enough that treatment should be relatively straight forward. Things are a bit different for Mikey. He's supposed to be taking it easy."
"Does he know that?" Lucifer snorted. Making a joke at Michael's expense was about the only way he could lighten the mood after having such a bombshell dropped on him.
"You know how he is." Raphael sighed. "Spread your wings for me."
"No. I really don't. I haven't talked to the guy since he went all slicey-slicey on me outside of the pearly gates." Lucifer attempted to spread his wings out, but he only had one remaining after being a Shoggoth's chew toy for the better part of ten minutes. The stumps where the other five wings had been, stretched as far as they could. Lucifer looked at the shredded nubs as best he could. "They're just shy because you brought up Michael."
"No, they got torn off." Raphael started to clean the wings.
"So, since Captain dumbass is benched, why is he fine flitting around Purgatory with my daughter?" Lucifer tried not to grit his teeth as he spoke.
"I think it's called Port Gatory now."
"DON'T you fucking start with me, Raph."
"Honest answer: We didn't know if he would be able to get into Heaven with his injury. You know we have protective measures against letting Corrupted beings beyond the Pearly Gates. It helps to vet souls that were Corrupted in Port Gatory."
"Right..." Lucifer did recall that fact. He had been one of the ones helping with the instillation back in the day. "So, Adam was Corrupted on his way down then." That seemed... unlikely given the severity of his condition by the time he had smacked, face-first into the floor of Hell. Raphael's frown visibly deepened.
"Unlikely. When we returned, Heaven's defenses were all down. We have no idea how long that's been the case."
"Oh shit." Lucifer straightened up again.
"Hold still, please."
"I'm... a little surprised you would tell me that, if I'm being honest. I mean, with Michael down and your defenses disabled, this is basically a giant sign to me to come invade Heaven." Lucifer snorted, feeling a little bit more confident in his own odds.
"You have one wing, one leg, and one and a half hands." Raphael shot him down rather quickly. "And even at full power, Gabriel alone could still destroy you."
"What happened to a doctor's oath to do no harm? Because you are doing irreparable damage to my feelings."
"I'm sorry that the truth hurt."
"That's not a very good apology for an angel."
"Give me your hand, please." Raphael didn't seem to care about Lucifer's (valid) critiques of his apology. The Devil held forth the severed hand and Raphael began to clean the stitched-up areas where the flesh and bone had been torn away like paper in the gnashing teeth.
"So... there's a Sinner in Heaven now, right?"
"Correct."
"Did something... happen with him?"
"He's under investigation for multiple counts of attempted murder and conspiracy to spread Corruption."
"Excuse me?" Lucifer blinked.
"Yeah... it's an odd story..." Raphael shook his head. "From what I know, he invented some kind of contraption that he was attempting to show to Michael and Gabriel when there was a malfunction of some kind and it exploded, spreading Corruption throughout a hotel. Injuries were minor, thankfully, though if Michael and Gabriel had not been present, things would have been much worse. We did have to burn the entire hotel, unfortunately. Which is really a shame because the spa there was fantastic."
"Why the fuck wouldn't Michael just tell me that?" Lucifer was annoyed. That seemed like something he should know, as it implicated Hell in what looked like some sort of attack directly on the Archangels. Raphael shrugged.
"Michael... does not like to... burden others. He feels... responsible for all of us, and therefore will keep things close to the chest so as not to cause worry or strife. It's an absolutely terrible habit and we have gotten onto him about it before."
"That's dumb as shit." Lucifer scoffed. It didn't even make sense. Michael was actually the youngest of the Archangels. If anything, they should be sheltering Michael. "It is way more stressful to vaguely brush over something than to just say straight-out what's going on. Don't leave it up to the imagination." (Though Lucifer had difficulty imagining what could have been worse than the fact that Pentious was currently under investigation for the attempted murder of two Archangels. Maybe he shouldn't tell Charlie that part.) "You know he didn't do it, right? It sounds to me like it was a set-up." Lucifer didn't have too much of an opinion on Pentious, he had only met him in passing, but the story of how he had put himself in harm's way to try and save Charlie was something the Devil wouldn't soon forget.
"That is a possibility, yes. Gabriel is looking into it. However, the implications of such a conspiracy in Heaven are far grimmer than simply having a Sinner slip through the cracks and plan some elaborate attack." Raphael seemed willing to consider Pentious's innocence, which was a relief as far as the Sinner's fate was concerned- however Raphael was correct in his assessment that if there had been a plot to kill the Archangels in Heaven that indicated something far more twisted than sin lying underneath those gilded buildings.
"You really think someone would try to kill the Archangels?" Lucifer almost laughed at the absurdity of the idea.
"It's possible, and with Michael weakened, and the rest of us exhausted, I would say now would be a good time to try something so bold. Of course, this information isn't public. We don't need the Winners to worry. And we don't need any possible threats to realize they stand a chance at all." Raphael moved to the missing leg.
"Why are you telling me this?" Lucifer sucked in his breath as the holy water burned and stung against his wound.
"Because," Raphael looked him directly in the eyes, "I think you need to be aware that Heaven might be compromised. You were our leader once, and you are our brother still, and despite our differences, I think you care if something happens to the rest of us."
"Nothing is going to happen to the rest you." Lucifer avoided the eye contact. It was always weird to look the Archangels in the eyes due to the fact that their eyes were just one solid color and it was nearly impossible to tell exactly where they were looking unless you watched the eyes on the Halos. "If I couldn't kill you, there's no way some half-assed conspiracy will. You'll figure out who's Corrupted and kick them out, and everything goes back to normal. Then we'll never have to talk to each other ever again. It'll be great."
"I'm a bit surprised that you can be optimistic." There was a hint of a smile on Raphael's lips and Lucifer was damn sure he didn't like it. "And it is appreciated, truly, but the facts of the matter are that Heaven completely masks the symptoms of Corruption. There isn't much I can do unless I know exactly where the Corruption came from, and who was affected by it. But still, your confidence in the situation is appreciated. Now, if you don't mind, I need to concentrate. I've cleaned your wounds, now it's time for me to help you restore your healing factor. Just a warning, I've never done this on an Infernal being before, so this may be unpleasant for you."
"Unpleasant how?" The Devil's eyes narrowed at the doctor in question.
"You may feel a little bit of pressure."
"Ah fuck, that's doctor speak for this is gonna hurt like hell, isn't it?" Lucifer heaved a sigh as Raphael simply smiled in response before patting his brother's shoulder gently.
"I will attempt to make this quick."
"Whatever." The Devil relaxed as best he could as Raphael closed his eyes. Lucifer watched as the eyes in the halos scanned over each and every injury. For a moment, everything was fine, even nice. There was a warmth that overtook Lucifer's injuries, he saw the green light envelope him. It was... pleasant, almost relaxing.
And then
It wasn't.
It felt like a thousand white-hot needles were poking and prodding into each of his open wounds over and over again. He could feel something boring into the broken bits of bone as if trying to drill a hole into the core. His breath hitched. He remembered being healed by Raphael before the Fall. It had always been such a calming, hopeful experience. It was nothing like this. His Infernal body was actively trying to reject the holy magic repairing it.
"There we go." Raphael opened his eyes, he looked a little more tired than before, but otherwise seemed unbothered as Lucifer lay panting on the bed, coated in cold sweat. "That should really help kick-start your self-healing."
"That was awful. Never do that again."
"If you're careful from here on out, I shouldn't have to."
"I was careful." Lucifer protested as he tried to sit back up, the wave of pain gone as quickly as it had come. Now he was simply dealing with a dull ache in the limbs he was re-growing.
"Keeping a Corrupted soul like some kind of exotic pet isn't really being careful."
"He's not a pet! He's a maid. It's different." Lucifer finally made it back into a sitting position with only minor help from Raphael. "And I am only keeping him around because he's patient Zero on this whole fucking ordeal. He's the only one who knows how this started, even if he doesn't remember right now. He gets... flashes, here and there. I've seen it happen." Sometimes, right before an episode, Adam would talk about things- something happened and Lucifer felt like whatever this was, was the starting point for this whole ordeal. And if they found how it began they could work backwards to fix it all.
"His case is unique; I can admit that." Raphael started bandaging Lucifer's wounds back up. "Being a Winner at the time of Corruption, being the First Man, there are a lot of factors worth studying. Though, he is shockingly coherent for a case as severe as his. He shouldn't be able to form any sort of independent, intelligent thought, nevertheless hold a full-on conversation." Lucifer rolled his eyes and snorted.
"If you think he's capable of intelligent thought, you haven't had a full conversation with him. I guarantee it."
"Be nice." Raphael seemed far more amused than anything else.
"I'm the Devil, the literal harbinger of evil. I'm not supposed to be nice."
"You're also my big brother, and I recall you being quite capable of niceness back in the day."
"I'm not your brother. We aren't born we're made so there's no real relation here." Lucifer gestured between himself and Raphael. "BUT," he couldn't let his dislike of his former coworkers distract him from the problem at hand. He had attempted to get in touch with Raphael before about Adam, and now he had a golden opportunity. "I know I'm not the medical angel or anything like that, however, I have a theory you should hear, about Adam. Other than the fact that he is proof that we can make life without a brain."
"I feel like jellyfish are plenty enough evidence for that, but continue."
"Adam... I think, has been purging the Corruption."
"Oh?" Raphael raised an eyebrow.
"If you go downstairs, you can find a collection of cans, or bags, or," Lucifer made a face, "shoes." He didn't know exactly what Adam had been using to store the Corrupted bile. "And they're filled with what I can only describe as raw Corruption. Every time Adam does something good, or genuinely kind he throws that stuff up. I don't know if he's getting better necessarily, but he's not getting worse." Raphael was quiet for a moment.
"Why shoes?"
"Because he's still a dick. What do you want from me?"
"That is... interesting. I would like to study this more, if given an opportunity. Maybe I could take some samples-"
"Do whatever. I literally can't stop you right now." Lucifer gestured to his injuries with mild frustration. (Though, having Raphael's input on Adam's condition wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.)
"Samples it is then, I will check back in on you later, maybe look into Adam more then. It's truly an interesting theory, worth exploring. Now, is there anything else I can do for you before I leave?" Raphael got to his feet. The Devil watched him for a moment, before heaving a sigh.
"I'm tired of being stuck in bed, can you like... summon me a wheelchair or something?" He hated asking for any kind of help. It made him fell less than, especially when it came to the Archangels. So, he felt the need to recover his own ego. "You know, it's literally the least you can do after you and the others barged into my house unannounced and blessed all my shit." Raphael raised an eyebrow.
"I suppose I can do that, but I don't want you to overdo it."
"I think I know how to recover from injuries." Lucifer held firm, looking annoyed.
"Here," Raphael waved his wrist and a rather nice-looking chair appeared. "It's controlled on this armrest, since you only have one viable hand. He pointed to the buttons, "and it floats, so stairs shouldn't be too much of an issue. I will still need to follow up on your progress, but hopefully I just put your recovery on the right path. If my treatment works as intended, you'll be up and walking in no time so you won't even need this thing. Your magic will take a little longer to recover, but I prioritized limb regrowth."
"Fair." Lucifer looked at the white and gold electronic chair, squinting as he saw the light bouncing off of it. "Did you have to make it reflective?"
"It's... metal? Well except the cushions, their angel-down so they will be quite comfortable which will be optimal for your recovery."
"It's fine." It wasn't. Lucifer did not want Adam popping out of his fucking chair and scaring the shit out of him, but he was just going to have to hope the First Man wouldn't notice the new, reflective object in the house.
"I am afraid I must get back; I have other patients to see, and Michael is insisting I recheck all the angels in the explosion. But I can help you into the chair before I leave."
"I don't need your fucking help. Just scoot it closer." Lucifer sat up. Raphael brought the chair beside the bed and Lucifer tried to scoot into it. Raphael watched for a moment as the Devil landed uncomfortably on his butt with his leg draped over one of the chair arms. Raphael wordlessly fixed his position. "Don't touch me. I had it."
"My apologies."
"Before you go, can you stop in and check on Carmilla?" Lucifer figured he might as well ask, after having left her on read.
"Not today, but I can return tomorrow. This attempted murder in Heaven is taking a good bit of my resources. Michael is being incredibly cautious about reducing the risk of Corruption spreading any further. I wish he'd be as careful with his own injuries, but," Raphael glanced at Lucifer in his wheelchair, "that seems to be asking a lot from the twins."
"Not brothers, and definitely not twins." Lucifer held up a clawed hand to silence Raphael. "I'm way older than him, for starters. You're older than he is. They just made us with the same template or whatever the fuck Metatron uses when she authorizes angels to be manufactured. He's not related to me, he's just a botched attempt at cloning perfection." Being compared to Michael sucked even if Raphael was hinting that the great and powerful, wing-cutting bastard had some flaws of his own. But the way that shit worked, the flaws would be spun positively like a job interview. He cares too much. He works too hard. He protects us too well. Surely, Raphael can't have expected Lucifer to relate. If Michael wanted to investigate shit in Heaven while he was injured that was his own prerogative. Although...
"That is certainly an interesting perspective." Raphael was nonplussed by Lucifer's little rant. Outside of disobeying medical orders, it took a lot to get under the green Angel's skin.
"Heaven masks Corruption, right?" Lucifer was too focused to allow his brother's obvious sass to faze him. Raphael nodded.
"Yes, that is why this is going to be a rather difficult investigation."
"So... just a question: how would you know if Michael was getting worse?" While Lucifer didn't give a shit if Michael keeled over dead tomorrow, the idea of him becoming a Corrupted Angel didn't sit right with the King of Hell. Lucifer had enough issues with the normal Michael, having all his worst traits amplified one thousand-fold sounded like a recipe for disaster.
"We won't." Raphael's answer didn't exactly sit well. "He could stay in Port Gatory, but that didn't really go well for him last time." That was right, Charlie had mentioned something about Michael helping with the Hell Liner. That fucking work-obsessed little shit would try to fix Purgatory. (And Purgatory really was not great to stay in long-term. If Michael was already stressed, it would only worsen his condition.) "I can try to do checkups in Port Gatory, but that's the best I have right now."
"That's a pretty bullshit plan, not gonna lie." Lucifer frowned, squinting up at Raphael trying to see if he was joking or if this was seriously the best that Heaven's defenders had to offer.
"I am doing what I can, Lucifer. We're all spread a little thin Upstairs." Raphael replied flatly.
"Right..." Lucifer's fingers drummed on the arm of the chair. His mind was racing. For some reason, talking to Raphael, learning the full extent of the situation had only left him feeling worse.
If things continue to progress at their current rate... maybe... five years and that is being remarkably generous.
Charon's words were still fresh in his head. One didn't forget that the end of the world was hurtling toward them. Not just the world but reality itself was at a risk of being destroyed. Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, the Living World- none of them would matter if the Apocalypse happened. Lucifer was a selfish being, but his pride be damned, he was not about to hand Charlie the burning embers of a Kingdom. Hell wasn't great by nature, but it sure as fuck was better than the realms the Old Ones tainted.
If the Arcs weren't going to take this seriously, Lucifer would have to do something. What was the best way to stop things from progressing at their current rate? (He was the Morning Star- goddamnit- he was the most creative angel ever created. His ideas had got him banished, the least they could do was dig him out of this fucking awful situation.) The best way to halt progress would be to do something unexpected. Something big.
The Horsemen were able to see an array of futures, and simply acted upon the most likely scenario. The best way to shake up the future, was to change the present.
Fuck.
He had an idea.
And he hated it.
"Are you all right? You're being uncharacteristically quiet..." Raphael tilted his head, all of his eyes narrowed, looking Lucifer up and down as the Devil battled himself internally, trying to think of something, anything else to try to derail this oncoming Doomsday. But nothing came to mind to save him. He took a deep breath, regretting the words before he ever spoke them.
"What if..." Oh, this was difficult to even say, Lucifer hated the idea so fiercely. He opened his mouth but he couldn't force the words out. He didn't want this. But that just meant it was a good way to derail what was coming.
Something unexpected.
Then again, maybe he was just going to change that five years to five months.
"What if...?" Raphael repeated his words and Lucifer took another deep breath, shutting his eyes, and trying to will himself to act against his own best interest. He had to repeat his logic to himself over and over again.
Do it for Hell. Do it to stop the Apocalypse.
Nope, this still wasn't convincing enough.
Do it for Charlie.
That would do.
"What if- and hear me out-" The devil clapped his hand and a half together, gesturing toward Raphael. "Michael stayed with me?" The moment the words left Lucifer's mouth; the regret hit him like a brick to the face. Raphael was just staring at him, which didn't leave Lucifer feeling any better about his decision.
"I'm... sorry?" Raphael was slowly reaching into his medical bag, pulling out the device he used to check for Corruption.
"I'm not having an episode, asshole." Lucifer tried to smack it out of his hand. "It just makes fucking sense. Heaven masks his symptoms. He's just going to get worse and worse and no one will see it coming. In Hell we can actually track the progress. And even with Michael injured, nothing here is strong enough to hurt that blue bitch. So, it's not like he's going to be at risk from the Sinners or Hellborns." Lucifer was trying to convince himself more than Raphael at this point. "There was a literal assassination attempt on him in Heaven. You really think he should be there right now?"
"We really don't know who the target was in that attempted assassination. But I see your points." Raphael nodded. Lucifer's stomach dropped; he had been hoping the Medical Angel would shut down the idea immediately. "And it wouldn't hurt for you to have some extra hands around the mansion while you recover. It might be worth a trial period, if nothing else." Lucifer left out a long groan.
"Don't say that."
"It was your suggestion.
"Yeah, but you were supposed to say no."
"Well... I didn't... so... now what?"
"I didn't think it through that far." Lucifer admitted dryly. The regret was still heavy on his chest as he stared up at Raphael.
"Well, I think you should suggest it to Michael. The invitation will mean a lot more coming directly from you."
"I didn't ask your opinion."
"You... kind of did."
"Well," Lucifer frowned at the correction, "I can't call Michael without going all the way out to the church and there is no way I'm getting out there in this condition-"
"Here you go." Raphael snapped and a phone appeared on Lucifer's lap. "I have a work phone and a home phone. You can use my personal one until you're feeling better."
"Why the fuck do you get two phones?" Lucifer squinted at Raphael.
"I like to keep my work and home life separate." Raphael's reply only made Lucifer squint harder. "It's not that strange."
"You don't have a home life." Lucifer corrected him quickly as he took the phone.
"Yes, I do." Raphael tapped the phone and it unlocked and Lucifer went right to the contacts to find only the Archangels' numbers. "I cleared the phone before I gave it to you."
"It's okay that you don't have friends, Raph, I'm not here to judge. That's Michael's job." Lucifer assured him.
"I have friends." Raphael sounded remarkably unimpressed. "But what I don't have is time." Raphael touched Michael's number and the phone started to ring. Lucifer nearly dropped it, heart pounding in his chest, mouth growing dry.
"He didn't answer. Oh well." Lucifer went to end the call but Raphael stopped his hand.
"It rang once."
"Hello?" Despite having just seen him, Michael's voice made Lucifer uneasy.
"Hey Mikey, it's Raph, Lucifer wants to ask you something." Raphael threw him right under the fucking bus. Asshole.
"Oh... kay?" Michael just sounded confused. Lucifer inhaled sharply. If he was going to do this, he was going to do it all in one, solid breath.
"I heard about how you fucked up and got injured and all that shit. And since you're probably Corrupted now, I thought maybe you could stay here in Hell where I could keep an eye on you to stop you from fucking up any more." Lucifer tried to make the idea sounds as unappealing as possible. That way, when the world ended, he could at least say he tried to do something and Heaven was as rigid and unaccepting of new ideas just as they always were.
"Wh... what?" Michael didn't seem to have even understood the offer.
"Well, I tried." Lucifer went to hang the phone up but Raphael grabbed his hand.
"It would be easier to monitor your condition outside of Heaven."
"Are... are you sure?" Oh. So, Michael had understood.
"You don't have to say yes. Really. You don't." Lucifer insisted. "My feelings will not be hurt if this is the last conversation we ever have."
"I... I dunno about that. I would have to talk to the Metatron..." Michael sounded just as hesitant and Lucifer felt. (Which was, honestly, a little annoying because it implied that the two were agreement on something. And Lucifer hated that realization quite a bit.)
"Thank you, Michael. Please do bring this all up with the Metatron. " Raphael nodded. "It was nice speaking with you. I am on my way back. I'm leaving my personal phone here with Lucifer."
"Oh. Okay. See you soon." Michael sounded... thrown off by the exchange. "Um... Luci- uh- Lucifer." He corrected himself before the Devil had a chance to snap at him. "Thank you for the invitation."
"Eat shit." Lucifer hung the phone up. The long sigh that Raphael let out let Lucifer know he had reacted perfectly to the situation. "Don't you have somewhere to be you oversized parrot?" Lucifer glanced up at his doctor.
"I do." Raphael gathered the rest of his things. "I will be back to see Carmilla tomorrow, however, if you haven't seen any limb growth by then, I want you to call me."
"But how will I find your number in your massive list of friends?" Lucifer held up the phone, showing the four numbers to Raphael who just sighed even more heavily as he walked to the door. "Why do you even have your other phone on here? Do you call yourself when you're lonely?"
"Goodbye, Lucifer." And with that he was gone.
Lucifer waited an appropriate amount of time before exiting the room in his nice, new wheelchair. He headed down the stairs. It was Heavenly Technology, so the chair was easy to operate, it was almost intuitive. It was nice that Raphael added the ability to float, this made the stairs far more manageable. He reached the bottom to find Lysander on his stomach, tail twitching as he watched the giant hole in the side of Lucifer's house through the scope of his sniper rifle. One of his eyes migrated to the back of his head, looking at Lucifer.
"Oi! Boss-man! Long time no see!"
"Any intruders?" Lucifer wasn't even bothered by the eye staring at him from beneath the locks of Lysander's crimson hair.
"No, but not for lack of trying. But I'll be honest, your lawn is doing a lot of the heavy lifting." Lysander shifted so Lucifer could see outside. There were a number of Sinners actively on fire from having to cross the blessed ground.
"Delightful." Lucifer would be sure not to mention the usefulness of the hallowed ground to the Archangels. He didn't want them thinking this massive inconvenience was at all beneficial. "Well... carry on. I am going to see how dinner's coming along." He started to wheel toward the kitchen but Lysander spoke up.
"Adam went to take a nap, something about having almost been stabbed earlier. Sad I missed it, sounds like a good time."
"It wasn't, I promise." Lucifer made a face. Adam shouldn't be napping with dinner so close. No, Lucifer was just going to have to wake him up. The Devil turned his chair around, moving it back up the stairs toward Adam's room. The staff had decided to make name plaques at some point in time, though they were not very professional, so Lucifer was able to find Adam's room with ease. (It was the one with his name, followed by a surprisingly good drawing of Adam beating Lucifer over the head with a guitar. It seemed they rotated their name plaques out, as Lucifer swore this was about the third different rendition he had seen.) He knocked on the door rather loudly. "Hey fuck face, get up."
Nothing.
Ignored.
"Just because I'm missing limbs doesn't mean I can't hunt you down and get my dinner." Lucifer jiggled the handle but it was solidly locked. The handle felt... cold? No... hot.
Lucifer felt a sudden sense of dread settle over him as he started to pound harder on the door.
"Asshole! Open up!"
Nothing.
"Open the door, Adam!"
Silence.
"OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR!" Lucifer started to force the issue, turning the handle with such force the wood around it began to splinter. Just because he was bedridden, didn't mean he had lost all of his natural strength. "I'm coming in! So, if there's something you don't want me to see you better co-" He didn't have a chance to finish as he forced the door open. Adam's room was sweltering. There was no light. None. Not even from the windows. "Fuck." Lucifer muttered under his breath. He flipped on the lights.
Shockingly, they worked. Adam was floating about two feet off the bed. He was making a gasping, choking sound. The moment the lights came on, Adam dropped to the mattress, unmoving.
"A-Adam!?" Lucifer wheeled himself to the side of the Fallen First Man. He could see scratches along his neck leaving thin lines of golden blood staining the underside of the collar of his angelic robes. Adam wasn't moving, laying still, mouth slightly agape. His eyes were half-lidded. From what Lucifer could tell, it looked as if they had rolled back into Adam's head. (But honestly, it was so damn hard to tell with the way Adam's eyes looked in his Sinner form.) Lucifer carefully placed a hand beneath his nose, over his mouth to check for breathing. He really didn't feel the desire to do CPR on a guy who could screw him over with his bite. That seemed like an excellent way for Lucifer to have his face mauled off. Lucifer brought his other hand against Adam's neck; his skin was burning hot. The moment his hand touched the two-toned flesh of the First Man's throat, he let out a loud gasp.
"Holy shit..." Lucifer scooted back in his chair as Adam slowly started breathing again. The First Man shot awake, grabbing his neck instinctively. Lucifer watched as the scratches instantly started healing. Adam's eyes- or eye- as the case may be, fell on the Devil in the chair. The First man looked annoyed more than anything else, though he was obviously panting.
"The fuck are you doing in my room, asshole!?"