"I do not think you were supposed to do that." How Syn of all beings was able to give Adam a suspicious look was hard to say. But the First Man wasn't about to have his mind changed by a pair of googly eyes.
"It's fine," Adam assured her, patting the top of her little cylinder. "Your master is still asleep anyway and probably doesn't want to get woken up.
"Lots of people are on fire outside."
"That's fine, that just means that the security is working as intended." Adam kept his hand on Syn, partially to hold her in place (though he wasn't sure what exactly she could accomplish with her lack of opposable thumbs, or limbs in general.)
"I think Master should see this."
"You don't want to wake him up, do you?"
"Nooooooooo." Syn lowered herself down a bit, her wings drooping, her eyes rolling in all sorts of directions with the movement. "I don't wanna disturb Master." Adam gave her one more little pat before lifting his hand off of her.
"Good, now why don't we just forget this whole interaction happened and let the chaos outside sort itself out, hm?" Adam started to walk toward the kitchen but stopped, narrowing his eyes. "Wh... whatchya doing there, Syn?" His automated companion seemed to almost be inching her way in the air toward the stairs.
"I lied." And with that Syn started to bolt up the stairs at full speed. Adam skidded on the floor as he tried to change directions.
"Fuck!"
"Sorry!" She didn't sound sorry.
"Syn!" Adam ran after her. She was surprisingly fast for something without any visible way to propel itself. "Get back here you little shit!" He wasn't sure if he was more upset that she might wake up Lucifer, or more baffled by the fact that he had- somehow- gotten fucking bamboozled by Syn, which would have been humiliating if anyone else had been awake to see it.
"MASTERRRRRRRRR!" Syn was making incredible progress as she raced Adam to the master bedroom. Adam couldn't, for the life of him, remember if he had closed the door behind him when he had gotten up. (Even if he hadn't Syn's wailing was bound to wake up the whole fucking hallway.)
"Come on, Syn! Don't you want to get the front door instead?" Adam grabbed the reflective handrail of the stairs, diving into it. (He was getting a lot better at mastering his mirror abilities. The practice was doing wonders for him.) He could see Syn's reflection moving from a door handle to a brightly polished picture frame. Adam had to think, had to calculate where she was in the house versus his location within the mirror. He quickly moved and managed to grab onto her reflection right as it appeared. (Thankfully, Adam had been keeping anything reflective that was in the hallway nice and polished in case of situations just like this one.) With his grip on her reflection, the real Syn outside struggled to move. He could feel her trying to tug against him, but he had her firmly in his grasp.
"Oh no, I am stuck."
"Sorry, kiddo, but I think you've made it far enough." Adam was actually quite proud of his plan, even if his only real accomplishment was outsmarting Syn.
"But I must awaken Master."
"Must you?"
"Yes."
"I think you're fine." Adam could feel her struggling to break free, but she was a lot easier to grab than Lucifer had been when Adam was dicking around in the windows of the Hell Liner. (Probably because Syn was less powerful.)
"MASTERRRRRRRRR!"
"Shhh, Syn, it's fine you're fine." Adam put his hand over the front of her reflection but it didn't nothing to stifle the sound. (Not that it would even if he had been holding her outside of her reflection. Truthfully, Adam wasn't sure where the sound came from on Syn.)
"What's all this?" Lysander came into view- just barely- probably awoken by Syn's pitiful little cries as Adam restrained her.
"I am stuck."
"On what?" Lysander looked her up and down. He started to walk closer as he watched Syn struggle against Adam's grip. He put his hand on her and started to pull. Adam could feel the force, but that only made him tighten his hold. "Oh shit," Lysander pulled back, hands on his hips as he surveyed her once again. "You are stuck."
"You must awaken Master."
"Yeah, he'll know how to get you unstuck." Lysander turned around and Adam, in a desperate attempt to stop him, grabbed the reflection of his tail. Lysander let out a cry that seemed to be mostly surprise as he whipped back around.
"Are you okay?"
"Somethin' fucking grabbed me!" The gun of ice appeared and Lysander looked on high alert. "Syn, mate, I think the mansion is haunted."
"What does that mean?"
"It means there are ghosts." Lysander explained.
"Are the Sinners not technically ghosts?"
"You know what?" Lysander's tail flicked, as he was deep in thought. "That's actually a pretty good point. Are they ghosts? And if not: can Hell have ghosts? Or can ghosts only exist on the living plane?"
"I have no idea!"
KNOCK.
KNOCK
KNOCK.
Fuck. That asshole was still at the fucking door. Didn't he know when he wasn't wanted? Lysander perked up a bit.
"They say knocking sounds are the first sign that a building is haunted."
"It can also mean that there is someone at the door."
"Yeah, but you would have told me if there was someone at the door." Lysander seemed convinced of this ghost idea. (Adam was also vaguely curious about whether or not Sinners counted as ghosts or if there was a very real possibility that one could be haunted on top of all the other miseries of Hell.) The First Man could definitely try to play that off.
"There is someone at the door." Syn insisted. Adam used the hand that wasn't holding her to try and reach for the reflection of a nearby vase. He couldn't reach. Not from his current spot at least. Adam pulled Syn backward as he tried to get close enough to the vase in question.
"Where ya going, Syn?" Lysander watched as Adam pulled the little robot around by her reflection dragging her closer to his target.
"I am being abducted." Syn didn't sound alarmed, or even really all that concerned with her kidnapping. In fact, she seemed indifferent.
"By the ghost?" Lysander had his hands on his hips, watching Syn getting pulled around. Adam finally got close enough to the reflection of the vase to push it, knocking it over. Lysander clapped his hands as if he had just witnessed a rather impressive golf play. "Classic ghost."
"Can you get the door while I am being kidnapped?"
"Yeah, sure thing." Lysander started to head down the stairs again as Adam made a mental note to learn where the sound came from on Syn so he could mute her in an emergency situation such as this. (Though sometimes he doubted even Lucifer knew how she worked. It was unlikely there was some kind of instruction manual for her. That would take far more effort than Adam thought the Devil was capable of.)
"Wait!" Adam couldn't really reach Lysander without releasing Syn. Lysander did stop, looking around the hall, mildly confused.
"Adam? Are you the ghost?"
"I'm not Adam... I'm... the ghooooost~" Adam tried his best to alter his voice but his success was rather limited.
"Mate, it's clearly your voice." Lysander walked back over toward Syn. "So, is your Sinner Power like... invisibility? Because f so that's pretty fucking badass."
"Eh, something like that." Adam wasn't sure if he wanted to reveal the nature of his gift to Lysander quite yet, as he was enjoying using it to mess with him on a more subtle level. However, Lysander started to wave his hand around Syn trying to figure out where Adam was or how he was keeping her in place. In the process, Lysander broke Adam's line of sight to Syn's reflection. When the light was blocked, her image disappeared from within the mirror and Adam lost his grip on her entirely. She immediately took off.
"I AM FREEEEEEEEEEE!"
"Shit!" Adam moved from reflection to reflection as it was just as quick, if not quicker, than chasing her on the ground. He reached the doorknob across from Lucifer's room and sprang out of the reflection grabbing the door and closing it just in time for Syn to smack into it, full force. Adam caught her, looking her over. "You okay?"
"I have sustained no damage!" That was relieving. Syn did seem to hit a lot of solid objects at high speeds, so it appeared that she was durable. (Just because Adam didn't want her waking up Lucifer didn't mean he wanted her to get damaged. He had grown to like the little robot. She was like a ray of misplaced optimism mixed with an unmatched, naive stupidity.)
"Sorry, but I don't want you disturbing you master. He needs his rest." Adam was correct on a technicality. The Devil did need rest, but the wellbeing of the prime evil wasn't really his concern so much as he was worried about having to deal with another new-hire. Life at the mansion was tolerable (maybe even enjoyable) and Adam couldn't risk that delicate balance.
"That's nice of you, trying to let the boss sleep in." Lysander meandered over to the door as well. "So, have you started taking orders for brekkie? Because I'm fuckin' starving." The knocking at the door seemed to have entirely slipped his mind.
"Yeah, I'm about to get started. I just wanted to stop Syn from bothering his royal bitchiness while he was getting his beauty sleep." Adam lowered his voice, "between all of us, he needs it, desperately." The door behind them flew open and Adam jumped back, Syn still in his hands, as he turned to see Lucifer in his little wheelchair, his tail twitching. "Oh." Adam wasn't really sure how to react because he had no idea how much the Devil had heard. "You're awake."
"Yes, I'm fucking awake!" Lucifer rubbed his eyes. He looked exhausted. "You three have been having a full-ass conversation in the hallways- loud as shit- for like ten goddamn minutes." Adam moved his hands so they were covering the sides of Syn.
"Language."
"You swear in front of Syn all the fucking time, I don't want to hear it." Lucifer glared up at him, he reached up and snatched Syn out of Adam's grip, putting her on his lap. Syn's little wings fluttered for a moment before she settled into her new spot.
"Mornin', boss man! Sleep well?" Lysander gave him a cheerful wave.
"Up until the shouting, it wasn't bad." The Devil looked directly at Adam. "What about you?" He quickly realized how weird of a question that might be out of context and quickly added: "All of you. Any issues with the giant hole?"
"Nah, mate, been sleepin' pretty good. Didn't even have to listen to Adam's weird screams when I went to get my midnight snack." Lysander was weirdly up-beat in the mornings, given Adam knew for a fact the Hellborn liked to stay up late. "Still had to fight Quackers- but that's more on me for not stocking the minifridge properly."
"... what?" Lucifer immediately turned his attention to Lysander.
"Oh yeah," Lysander nodded, "I have a minifridge in my room, you know, because the kitchen is fucking impossible to get through when you're half asleep."
"Not-" Lucifer inhaled deeply, clasping his hand and half-hand together, "not the fridge. The part about Adam screaming."
"Sometimes Adam screams in his sleep. I only hear 'em if I'm like actively passing his door though. I woke him up like... once, but he got real... I dunno... confused? Night terrors can be a bitch for the Sinners." Lysander didn't seem all that bothered. Adam, on the other hand, felt his blood run a little colder. He didn't remember Lysander ever coming into his room and waking him up. Just another incident on the long list of memories his mind refused to keep. It was frustrating to realize this whole incident had transpired and Adam was none the wiser to it.
"Adam never bit you, did he?" Lucifer's expression was serious as he gave Lysander a once over. Lysander looked a little confused by the question.
"Ah, no, mate. We aren't that close. No offense to Adam, he's a good-looking guy, but he's not really my type."
"D-don't compliment him, he already has an ego." Relief was clearly visible in Lucifer's expression as he finally started to relax. Adam snorted; making a show of grinning and winking at Lysander, shooting him finger guns. "SO," Lucifer raised his voice to interrupt them, "did everyone else sleep okay?" Again, he looked at Adam, if only briefly. Adam knew the reason, but before he even had a chance to respond, Syn decided to speak up.
"I do not sleep."
"That makes sense." Lucifer patted her on the top of her cylinder.
"I slept... okay." Adam was torn between giving an honest reply that might result in him having to stay with Lucifer another night, and lying through his teeth and allowing night to bring whatever horrors it had in store.
"Cool, cool." Lucifer seemed to be trying to read deeper into Adam's response, but the First Man decided to look away.
"I was abducted."
"She was fine." Adam quickly interjected. "The word abduction is a gross misrepresentation of this morning's adventure."
"Adam Just Adam would not let me awaken you."
"I just thought you needed your sleep." Adam looked over at Lucifer to see how well his lie was working. The Devil looked remarkably unconvinced.
"Uh huh."
"There was a man at the door."
"It could have been a ghost." Lysander added helpfully. "If there are even ghosts in Hell. We were discussing that earl-"
Knock.
Knock.
Knock.
The knocking sounds seemed to reverberate through the mansion. That asshole with the fractured looking face must have had fists of fucking stone to be so goddamn loud. Adam clenched his teeth. Syn shifted so the googly eyes could look in the Devil's direction. "It appears as if there is still someone at the door."
"And no one, not one of you got the door this entire fucking time? How long has someone been at the door!?" Lucifer let out a long, arduous sigh.
" I cannot. I do not have arms."
"You're excused Syn, this wasn't on you. You did perfectly." Lucifer assured her. Syn's lights all went pink and she seemed quite pleased with the fact that she had been let off the hook for the lack of action regarding the door.
"It's been... not that long." Adam was annoyed that the fucker at the door still hadn't taken the hint that he was unwanted. He was a persistent asshole, that much was certain. "He was a solicitor. Probably for that weird TV head guy."
"Vox, right. I still need to talk to him." Lucifer looked pensive for a moment, but it was short lived as he turned his attention back to the door situation. "So, will one of you get the damn door or do I need to wheel my ass all the way down the fucking stairs?" Lysander raised his hand up.
"I got it!" He slid down the banister landing on the first floor as Adam raced after him. Lysander paused for a moment, peering out of the hole. "There's actually a lot of blokes on fire outside."
"Those are probably the applicants." Lucifer put his face in his hands.
"Applicants?" Adam's eyes narrowed.
"For the handyman position. We literally talked about this last night. Shit is broken and needs to be fixed, so I put out an ad to hire a handyman for the mansion." Lucifer finally looked up. "But I wrote very specific instructions to take the path to the door."
"I don't think they listened, boss!" Lysander was staring out of the hole looking rather amused by the chaos outside.
"JUST GET THE DAMN DOOR, LYSANDER!" Lucifer shouted back. The security intern shrugged and went to the door, opening it up. Virgil was still standing there, like the absolute tool he was. Adam tried to run back down the stairs and shut the doors again but Lucifer had him by the back of his robes. "Stay."
"Don't talk to me like I'm a fucking dog, jackass." Adam turned to glare at him. Lucifer's expression didn't waver.
"Then don't act like one by trying to bark at anyone who comes through the fucking door."
"I didn't bark at anyone! What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"Adam, shut the fuck up we have a guest." Lucifer pushed past him. "Come in, come in." He stayed at the top of the stairs as Lysander guided the new guy inside. "Did anyone else use the path?" Lysander poked his head back outside, looking around.
"Nope!"
"Awesome." Lucifer's reply was devoid of any real enthusiasm. His gold and crimson eyes scanned over the intruder. "What's your name?"
"Virgil, your highness." The newcomer gave a swift but crisp bow.
"What a fucking suck up." Adam grumbled under his breath; his arms crossed over his chest as he leaned against the banister.
"Shh." Lucifer held a hand toward Adam. "Virgil, huh? You're a Fallen."
"Yes sir." Virgil nodded his head. (Adam wasn't sure how anyone could tell. Sinners, Hellborns, Fallens apart. They all looked weird as shit. Adam just had to assume that was like a Lucifer-specific ability because it seemed rather arbitrary what souls looked like in Hell.)
"You're hired." Lucifer clapped his hands together decisively.
"What!?" Adam whirled around to face the Devil. "He didn't do anything! He could literally be sent here to kill you."
"Yeah, but he took the path, so at least he listens." Lucifer didn't seem nearly as concerned as Adam felt he should be, given the situation. "And it will be nice to have one fucking soul in this house that obeys direct orders."
"Aw..." All of Syn's lights turned a sad blue.
"And has arms, sorry Syn, I should have specified." Lucifer gave her a reassuring head pat and Syn's lights returned to their bright pink.
"I listen!" Lysander called from the bottom of the stairs. "Most of the time!"
"Depends on the day!" Lucifer called back to him. "But I was specifically making a dig at Adam; I didn't mean to throw you two under the bus."
"It's fine!" Lysander gave him two thumbs up from the bottom of the stairs.
"I forgive you Master!"
"Now," Lucifer turned his attention back to the new hire. "You're here to fix my shit. So, I want you to start with the massive fucking hole. It is a major security risk, not to mention a drain on my air-conditioning. Do you think you can fix it?"
"Yes, your majesty." He held up a toolbox that Adam hadn't seen him holding before.
"Good, now don't bother me." Lucifer started to wheel back into his room and Adam followed behind him. "What now?"
"Wh- are you fucking kidding me? You just brought in some stranger off the fucking street and I'm supposed to be fine with it?"
"Not your decision. The hole needs to be fixed and I don't have my magic. This guy says he can fix the hole. If he tried something, Lysander will kill him. Or if he doesn't I can kill the fucker. I don't need magic to deal with one, lone Fallen Angel." Lucifer wheeled himself back to his bed.
"Are you going back to sleep while there's a fucking stranger in the house?"
"Yeah, I'm tired. I was up all night making sure you didn't die. You're welcome for that, by the way."
"I didn't say thank you."
"I noticed because you aren't throwing up. And please don't thank me because I'm running out of shoes for you to contaminate."
"Thank you." Adam wanted for the nausea to hit, but he felt fine.
"See, now it's not going to happen because you're only doing it to be an ass. It's all about intent. We went over this before, fucker." Lucifer started to try and pull himself back into the bed again. Syn flew off Lucifer's lap and settled on his dresser, seemingly content just to watch. Adam went over, helping him back in without even really thinking about it. In fact, Adam was blissfully unaware of his own actions until the nausea hit like a bag of bricks to the gut.
"Fuck." He grabbed Lucifer's hat off the hat rack and started to vomit inside of it. Adam immediately handed the hat back to Lucifer, who stared at it with disgust.
"Get the fucking holy water."
"Whatever." Adam put the hat down beside the bed and opened the door, heading back down the stairs. He would have taken the mirror, but he really wanted to get another look at this Virgil character whose only claim to fame thus far was not combusting. Adam could see him going through the rubble from the ruined wall while Lysander was talking to him but as soon as the intern saw Adam on the steps he waved him over.
"This is Adam, he's the chef. And I know he's about to go into the kitchen and make us something amazing for brekkie because I'm starving."
"I'm really more like the unquestioned leader, the manager, if you will." Adam corrected. "I just happened to be the only person here who can fucking cook."
"I see." Virgil seemed to be listening, but Adam saw his primary focus was on the destruction he was supposed to be repairing. "Is that why you slammed the door in my face? You made the executive decision that my services weren't necessary?" Adam narrowed his eyes; he couldn't shake the feeling that Virgil was somehow mocking him.
"We needed to run your references, that's all."
"I never gave any references."
"You think we need to get references from you? No fucking way. They'd all be biased. No, your references are chosen at random." Adam scoffed as he tried to fabricate any sort of believable excuse for his earlier actions.
"That... doesn't make sense." Virgil finally turned from the pile of destruction to look at Adam directly. At least, that's where Adam assumed he was looking. It was difficult to tell since Virgil didn't really have eyes so much as he did have empty sockets. (Could he even see without real eyes?)
"It does, you just don't understand how things work around here."
"So, brekkie? Yes?" Lysander interrupted Adam's power trip out of hunger. "Adam, mate, I'm starving here, man. I'm skin and bones!"
"Fine." Adam was going to the kitchen anyway to get the holy water. Plus, even he was starting to get hungry from all the excitement. "But only because Quackers is expecting me. It's a difficult job. Being in charge."
"Who's Quackers?" Virgil went back to looking at the damage.
"We'll get there. It's all part of the tour!" Lysander grabbed Virgil by the arm, turning him around as the intern made a grand gesture toward the rest of the house. Virgil looked a little taken aback by having just been forced to turn.
"There's a tour?" Virgil was a hard read. Adam couldn't tell if he was excited or annoyed. But the First Man was more than willing to assume the worst.
"Oh yeah! You gotta get initiated into the club. It's me, Adam, Quackers, Syn, and now you." Lysander just seemed happy to have someone else to talk to. (He did seem to be a social guy, but Adam was still a little offended that Lysander was giving this guy any sort of chance. Some head of security. Had he even checked for a weapon?)
"But I'm in charge." Adam assured him.
"So, you say." Virgil's response lacked the sort of unquestioning conviction for which Adam had been hoping. Yeah. This wasn't going to work. Adam could already tell.
"Because it true."
"Aren't you that guy who headed the Exterminations?" Virgil's question went through Adam's resolve like a knife. The Exterminations were a bit of a sore subject given he had almost been fileted alive by Michael over them. (Also being in Hell where he had done the Exterminating made things a little awkward whenever it was brought up. It's not like Adam really... remembered the details of it all. In fact, the more he tried to think back, the louder the static in his brain seemed to get.)
"Um... Adam?" Lysander's hand was waving in front of his face as Adam snapped back to reality. The static in his head gradually faded into the background once more. "You good there, mate?"
"Huh?" Adam blinked, shaking his head to clear it from the last, lingering bits of brain fog. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking about breakfast." The First Man didn't really like the look he was getting from Virgil. He wasn't sure what they had just been talking about, but Adam was left with the lingering desire to end the conversation.
"Finally!" Lysander clapped his hands eagerly.
"I gotta get started." Adam gave a half-wave in Lysander's direction before turning to head into the kitchen. At least Quackers would hear him out. He pushed open the double doors to see Quackers struggling to grab the strawberries out of the fridge with his beak. "Woah buddy, don't drop them!" Adam hurried over and grabbed them as they slid from Quackers's grip and started to fall.
"Quack." Quackers watched as Adam caught the berry container, somehow managing to look annoyed without the ability to move his face. Adam looked up at him.
"I know I'm late. I'm sorry. But in my defense, it's been a hectic morning."
"Quack." Quackers rolled away from Adam and grabbed the First Man's preferred apron from where it was hanging on the wall, taking it in his beak. (Adam had bought the apron with his own money. It was just a classic apron with an amazing pun on the front.) Quackers rolled back to Adam maneuvering his massive feathered head so he could drop the apron around Adam's neck.
"Okay, fine. Message received." Adam tied the apron behind himself before spreading out the ingredients that Quackers had been attempting to gather. "French toast time."
"Quack."
"I didn't come up with the name. I named all the plants and animals; I had nothing to do with recipe names. You gotta take that up with someone else." Adam turned the stove on, getting to work cooking. Quackers would hand him ingredients as he needed them. It was nice to have the help in the kitchen. Plus, Quackers was a great listener. As Adam got the cooking started, he decided to go ahead and vent. Quackers would understand his plight. "You know Lucifer just hired some random, new asshole from off the street."
"Quack, quack, quack."
"Yeah, a total security risk." Adam was glad that Quackers understood his position. Or, at least, Adam was projecting that understanding onto Quackers. "But he doesn't see that, and neither does Lysander who is supposed to be doing all the security bullshit but is just letting this new dick into our mansion without so much as a background check."
"Quack. Quack, quack, quack, quack. Quack."
"Okay, I see your point. No one would pass a background check in Hell. That's valid. But still, that's just another reason to not hire this asshole. You're just proving my point for me."
"Quack."
"I'm not jealous!" Adam jerked his frying pan off the stove with how fast he moved as he whirled around to face Quackers. Quackers stared at him for a moment, before grabbing Adam's wrist with his beak and guiding the pan back onto the stove top. Quackers was right, it wasn't done cooking, and Adam had just freshly baked this bread yesterday in preparation for today's breakfast. It would be a shame to put all that hard work to waste.
"Quack."
"Yeah, but I'm not. I just think that we have a nice system here and that adding someone new kinda fucks with the workplace culture, you know? Plus, the guy is a total fucking asshole, you can just tell. I have a great read on people."
"Quack."
"Well, everyone is an asshole in Hell so it's not like it's a hard read. Mr. Judgy." Adam snorted wondering how he had gone from leading legions of Exorcists in Heaven to sitting in a kitchen having an argument with a duck. "The point is that we have no need to improve upon a situation that's already working. And that means more people who might wander into your kitchen." Adam flipped the toast in the pan.
"QUACK!?"
"See? I knew you'd see things my way." Adam used his free hand to pat the feathery head of his unlikely companion. It was almost funny how the machines that Lucifer had made for whatever reason, seemed to have personalities all their own. It was like with the diverse creatures the angels had sculpted back in Eden. Syn and Quackers were sculpted by the same hand but were nothing alike. If it had been literally anyone else responsible, Adam would have been impressed. "My plan is," Adam finished one batch of the toast and put it to the side, "I will prove to Lucifer that Virgil is no good. Haven't figured out the details, but you'll back me up, won't you?"
"Quack."
"Thank you, that means a lot." Adam would not use the word 'happy' to describe his current situation, but at the same time there was an unmistakable feeling of enjoyment that came from his daily interactions with that asshole Devil and his array of staff. Was his best friend now a duck? Maybe. (It sure was a far cry from having Lute as his ride or die.) But Adam felt... safe. Maybe having a better night sleep than usual was fucking with his brain, but Adam was starting to realize how truly miserable he had been, even back in Heaven. Well, at least after the Exterminations had started. He didn't want to risk his current life changing because some douchebag was able to walk on the sidewalk. If anything, that was suspicious as fuck. Adam didn't trust anyone who followed instructions, especially in Hell. He finished the rest of the French toast, eggs, bacon (tofu bacon for the vegetarian prick holding him in Hell) and loaded the Devil's portion up with berries and whipped cream just the way Lucifer liked. He put aside Lysander, Quackers, and Syn's portions before sighing and separating a small amount out for Virgil. Adam grabbed Lucifer's plate and began heading toward a particularly reflective baking tray Adam had propped up for this exact scenario.
"Quack!" Quackers grabbed the back of Adam's gown in his beak, pulling him back. Adam turned to look up at him.
"What? I have to deliver the food. I know what you're thinking: That little bitch upstairs should get this shit himself if he's so fucking powerful. And you're right, Quackers, but I am just way too fucking nice for my own good."
"Quack!" Quackers pulled him back further. "Quack, quack?" The mechanical eyes narrowed at Adam who narrowed his own eyes back.
"What could I possibly be forgetting?"
"Quack." Quackers tilted his head toward the counter where they had been keeping Raphael's massive (and massively inconvenient) jugs of holy water.
"No, you're right." Adam grabbed one of the glasses, pouring it full of Holy water before grabbing a second glass and filling it with apple juice. He squinted at the jugs, there may be a way to prove something was wrong with Virgil after all. Adam grabbed one of the serving trays from overhead, picking four different glasses and filling three up with regular water and the fourth with holy water. He piled on the other portions of French toast and eggs, adding bacon to everyone else's plate and the vegetarian bacon onto Lucifer's. Adam lifted the tray with both hands, careful not to spill.
"Quack?"
"I have a plan."
"Quack."
"No. It's a good plan." Adam assured his companion. "I'll give him the holy water and if he's some kind of Corrupted monster then he'll vomit up the black shit. If not..." The First man paused, thinking about it, "I dunno, he'll die?"
"Quack!"
"It didn't kill Cain, so he should be fine." Adam figured that if Lucifer fed the water to Cain and only made him wish he was dead, then there should be no reason to believe it would kill this total fucking stranger.
"Quack."
"It's fine, you're just being dramatic." Adam put Quacker's food on the counter before he grabbed the tray and headed outside into the foyer where Lysander was still talking Virgil's ear off. It made sense why, since Lysander was guarding the hole and Virgil was fixing it, but at the same time Adam was a little offended that Lysander hadn't decided to talk to him. Where did his loyalty even lie? "I'm back with breakfast!" Adam put the tray down on the couch.
"Yessssss! Let's fuckin' go!" Lysander was instantly behind him. "Food! This looks great!" Adam handed Lysander a plate piled high with bacon, almost covering the French toast. He was sure to hand him one of the glasses of regular water.
"I even brought you something, new guy." Adam brought Virgil the plate with the smallest amount of flood and the glass of holy water.
"Virgil." The no-eyed asshole didn't even turnaround from where he was starting to rebuild the frame of the missing wall. "Thank you."
"What the fuck ever, I literally just met you." Adam scoffed. "I'll learn your name if you make it long enough." He picked the tray back up and headed up the stairs into Lucifer's room. Syn was sitting on the opposite side of the bed, on the pillow telling Lucifer all about the weather. Why the Devil cared was anyone's guess because it's not like he went outside. "Breakfast!" Adam brought the tray over to the bed. "I see sleeping is going well for you."
"Master needed to know what the day has in store!"
"Syn has been... keeping me company." It was clear Lucifer hadn't gotten a wink of sleep since Adam had left. Leaving Syn in the bedroom may have been a mistake.
"I have breakfast." Adam offered the tray toward Lucifer who took his plate. "And your holy water." Lucifer made a face looking at the glass.
"Is this to clean the hat?"
"Ah shit, no, this is your regular dosage." Adam had forgotten about the hat. But he also didn't really care so it all worked out. Lucifer took the glass giving Adam a rather annoyed look that the First Man was going to chalk up to lack of sleep.
"You suck."
"I made you breakfast."
"Do I get breakfast!?"
"Of course." Adam handed Syn a plate that she immediately began to flop around on. He could see Lucifer cringing at the mess she was making. "Hey, don't get distracted, you gotta drink that whole ass glass."
"I'm... aware." Lucifer took a deep breath and started chugging the water. Adam grabbed the hat he had puked in earlier, and handed it to the Devil. He could see Lucifer glaring at him as he tried to force down the acidic water. He dropped the glass as soon as he was finished and started heaving into the hat. (He really had no other choice.) Adam handed him the juice and picked the glass back up putting it on the tray. Lucifer started drinking heavily before finally taking a deep breath and putting the juice down so he could start on the French toast.
"Well?" Adam looked at him expectantly.
"Well, what?"
"Compliments to the chef?"
"It's... fine..." Lucifer continued to stuff his face which was compliment enough. Adam knew his cooking was unmatched. He let the Devil make a fool of himself as he devoured everything Adam had prepared. He took the plate as Lucifer finished. Grabbing Syn's plate as well where she was still rolling around looking quite content. (As content as she could look given that her entire face consisted of two differently sized googly eyes.)
"I am still eating."
"I know. But asshole needs to sleep, so you're gonna come hang out with Lysander and I." Adam knew it was a waste to tell Lucifer his suspicions without proof. He had some evidence already, but he needed something more concrete. He would return with something undeniable. Then Lucifer would have no choice but to listen.
"Lysander and me."
"Wait... is that right?" Adam wouldn't call himself an expert when it came to grammar. He just said whatever sounded good in the moment. He could have taken some classes with some of the best writers in Heaven but that never really suited him.
"I have no idea."
"Well, I believed you. You've been on a lying kick recently, haven't you? The sniper fake-out; lying to me about waking up your boss; now this?" Adam looked at Lucifer who was finishing his apple juice. "What have you been teaching her?" He clicked his tongue, shaking his head in disappointment. Lucifer snorted.
"She's in Hell. She's just learning the way things work down here."
"When I go back to Heaven," Adam knew he was doing no such thing, but he was making a point, "I'm taking her with me. And she'll have to unlearn all this horrible behavior."
"Oh, you're not taking her." Lucifer, shockingly, didn't use the more obvious argument that Adam was never getting back in Upstairs.
"Are you two getting divorced?"
"What!?" Adam nearly dropped the tray with Syn still on it.
"Fuck no." Lucifer spoke over him. "Syn, we're not married. You can only divorce someone you marry. Adam is just a servant. He won't get divorced, he'll get fired. Big difference." Adam regained his poise.
"He won't marry me. I'm not his type since I'm not currently in a committed relationship with... well... me."
"... the point is," Lucifer actually seemed a little off put by Adam's response. It wasn't guilt obviously since he was literally the Devil, so Adam had to assume it was just fatigue. "We're not divorcing. And even if we were Adam wouldn't get you in the divorce because all the best lawyers are here in Hell so you'd be with me."
"We'd have fifty-fifty custody because you would like it way more with me but you wouldn't have the heart to tell Lucifer. Now," Adam shifted the tray in his arms, "let's go downstairs and let this grumpy sonnuva bitch get his beauty sleep. He really needs it because his ugly ass face makes the public run away screaming."
"Master is beautiful! He spends all his time doing self-care!"
"You tell him Syn! But maybe don't talk about the self-care part." Lucifer sounded tentatively triumphant.
"Go the fuck to sleep." Adam reached over, grabbing the hat and vomiting into it one last time before giving Lucifer a smug wave and placing the hat back beside the bed.
"Are you fucking kidding me!? Take it with you!"
"No, I have trashcans all around the house. I don't really need it. Thanks for the offer though you disgusting piece of shit." Adam flipped up his middle finger as he exited the bedroom, closing the door behind him so that Lucifer could rest. He wasn't really sure if it was the actual act of giving him breakfast, or if it was that Adam genuinely wanted him to get some rest because Raphael had stressed the importance of it, that made Adam purge the Corruption on his way out. Either way he'd never do it again because it left his whole body hurting as if he had just been trampled by a heard of cows. He headed back to the foyer to see Lysander and Virgil. The food was all gone, but the glass of holy water was untouched.
"You're back! Oi, Syn, you look like you ate well." Lysander greeted her as soon as Syn popped up off the plate.
"It was delicious!"
"It was, thank you." Virgil nodded. Adam considered, for a moment, that this guy might not actually be so bad, but he had just said 'thank you' which honestly came across as trying too hard. No one who wasn't up to something said thankyou in Hell. That was strike one. Adam's gaze fell on the glass of holy water.
"Not thirsty, Vincent?"
"Virgil." Virgil replied flatly. "And not yet."
"Now that's Adam's back," Lysander interrupted before Adam could get any further in his investigation, "we can give you the grand tour!" The security intern put an arm around Virgil's shoulders practically dragging him away from what he was doing.
"I should really keep working." Virgil tried to get away, but Adam knew Lysander wasn't exactly weak when it came to physical strength. (The First Man had once been full-force tackled by the intern when he and Lysander decided to spar in the impromptu gym that Lysander had snuck into the house.) Syn flew a circle around Virgil.
"One of us! One of us!"
"I don't even know who you are." Virgil squinted at Syn.
"I am Syn! Like Synthetic, Sinner, or Cinderella!"
"That..." Virgil looked perplexed, Adam couldn't blame him, he too had been on the receiving end of Syn's introduction. "That clarifies nothing."
"It's S.Y.N. But not in all caps or she'll think you're yelling at her. She's kind of like our manager." Lysander explained quickly.
"I am sensitive. Get it? Syn-sitive!"
"Hilarious. And really, I'm the one in charge." Adam corrected.
"Hey, Adam, why don't you drop off the dishes and get Syn cleaned off so we can do the toooooour~" Lysander did seem excited. And, what could make Virgil more thirsty than a tour? Also, Syn was dripping delicious French toast toppings all over the floor and if Adam wanted to keep shit reflective, he would have to clean it all up.
"Fine. Come on Syn." Adam cocked his head and Syn flew over, landing on the tray as Adam carried it into the kitchen where Quackers was waiting.
"Quack."
"It's going fine thank you." Adam put the dishes in the sink, filling it with water. He poured in some soap so he could let the dishes soak while he was on tour, spying on this new guy and proving to everyone that he was bad news.
"What plan is he talking about?"
"Don't worry about it, Syn." Adam grabbed her, putting her under the water so she could get the sticky food off of her.
"Quack, quack. Quack, quack, quack."
"You think Virgil is evil?"
"Don't you?"
"No."
"Quack."
"I appreciate you backing me up, Quackers." Adam let Syn out from under the faucet and she flew up, splashing him with water as her center spun rapidly in an attempt to dry off. "And trust me, once you meet him, you'll get it."
"Good luck on your secret plan!"
"Thank you, Syn, that means a lot." Adam headed back to the door. "I'll be back to finish the dishes and start on lunch. But the plan needs me."
"Quack!" Quackers's head split open into the rotating knives again and fire spewed out from the center. Adam took this to be Quackers's unique way of encouraging him. He headed back to join the group with Syn in tow.
"Tour time!" Adam clapped his hands together.
"Let's fucking go! We'll start with getting your room picked out." Lysander pumped a fist in the air before dragging Virgil up the stairs. "Now the first room here, it's a utility closet. Not sure what it's used for but since you're the handyman this'll probably be important to you, personally." Lysander threw open the closet door.
"Ah... yes, there is a lot of junk in here that should probably be stored elsewh-" Virgil started to speak but Lysander closed the door.
"You shoulda seen it before Adam got here. A lot of these rooms were worse." Lysander's comment was supposed to be a compliment, Adam assumed. But the First Man couldn't help but wonder why he had bothered making a difference in the Devil's living conditions. Then again, Adam had to live here too, and he had standards (unlike Lucifer). That, and the reflective surfaces benefited him. So, there was some logic as to why Adam had cleaned. "This is my room." Lysander showed off his name plaque: Lysander W. "If you need anything and Syn's not available, you can ask me!" He moved to the next room "This one belongs to Quackers. We don't go in there."
"He doesn't like his things touched." Adam confirmed. What Quackers actually used the room for was anyone's guess.
"Who is Quackers?" Virgil asked once again. And again, he was put off.
"We'll get there. It's part of the tour." Lysander gestured for Virgil to follow to the next door. "Here are some of the empty rooms!" Lysander threw the doors open. "These have bathrooms, I highly recommend them. They used to be filled with ducks, but Adam cleaned them up. If you find a few lying around be careful, some of them shoot lasers."
"... ducks?" Virgil blinked. (It was weird that he could blink given that meant he had eyelids but no actual eyes. It was just another thing about Virgil that was stupid as shit. While it wasn't necessarily evil Adam added it to his list of proof to bring to Lucifer.)
"It's a thing, you'll get used to it." Lysander assured him.
"Master loves ducks!"
"Right." Virgil looked at the rooms in question before picking one. "I can take this one." Adam quietly tried to figure out how close Vigil was to his room before he remembered he was sharing a room with fuck-face McGee.
"We will need to make him a name plate."
"Picking a room is thirsty work, huh?" Adam slid up to Virgil's door. "We can head back if you need to pause the tour to drink something."
"I'm fine." Virgil replied without really taking the time to consider if he really was thirsty or not. Adam frowned, but Lysander continued the tour.
"Here's Charlie's room! It's super off limits. And this is Syn's room." Lysander gestured to the two most decorated doors. If Syn was a being of flesh rather than metal, Adam would have easily accepted her as Charlie's sister.
"My room is not off limits! Visit any time!"
"She loves company." Lysander nodded. "And sometimes if you hear knocking in the morning, that's Syn wanting you to let her out."
"I do not have arms and am therefor at the mercy of others."
"I'm just legitimately surprised that you guys can hear knocking." Virgil almost seemed amused as he crossed his arms over his chest. Adam gave a loud, purposeful laugh.
"We can hear it. We were just ignoring you earlier."
"I was not!"
"And I wasn't sure what was going on and had an existential crisis about ghosts and whether or not they could exist in Hell." Lysander didn't really apologize, which was good because in Adam's mind, no one had done anything wrong until Lucifer had made them open the door. But really that was Lucifer's fault, just like everything else in the world. "Anyway! Next up is the boss's room and the master bathroom. No one's allowed in there. But I think he's kind of lax on that rule for the moment because of some stuff that happened. I don't know the details, I wasn't there. But recently even my dad has been in that room."
"I have a question." Virgil raised his left hand up in the air. Adam squinted at him. No one raised their hand in fucking Hell. (Except that one time Lysander did it earlier today. But that didn't count.)
"Uhh..." Even Lysander seemed a little confused by the interruption. "Yeah newbie, what's up?" Virgil gestured to the end of the hall.
"What's with the horse-shaped hole in the glass?"
"Oh! That was m'dad." Lysander grinned toothily. "He couldn't figure out how to get his horse down the stairs."
"Why was his horse up the stairs?" Virgil persisted.
"Ya know... I dunno. This isn't the first window my dad has had to throw a horse out of. Drives papachka fuckin' crazy." Lysander gave a shrug. "Anyway! Now you gotta go meet Quackers!" Lysander started heading back down the stairs. "He's in the kitchen. Just be aware, he doesn't like anyone except Adam."
"And me!"
"And Syn, but everyone likes Syn." Lysander added.
"You know," Adam hurried so he was right beside Virgil, "this has been a pretty exhausting tour, right? We're going right to where your water is still sitting, if you're thirsty."
"I think I would rather just get this whole thing over with so that I can return to work." Virgil replied flatly. That was a frustrating answer, but it was fine. They were about to see Quackers, after all, and Quackers could scare the shit out of Virgil and make absolutely certain he wouldn't want to stick around. Adam just had to hope he put on a show. They made it to the kitchen where Lysander started to crouch down. He held open one of the double doors to reveal Quackers making his rounds around the kitchen, quacking softly to himself. (It was probably about the dirty dishes, if Adam was being honest. Quackers didn't like it when he left a mess.)
"This..." Lysander paused for dramatic effect, "is Quackers." Another dramatic pause. "The kitchen belongs to him and he keeps everybody out. Except Adam. He can go in there because they have a bromance going on."
"We do, it's true." Adam wouldn't even deny it. He gave Virgil a playful nudge. "You should go in there, introduce yourself. You don't want to be rude to Quackers." Virgil peeked into the kitchen to see Quackers in his usual, nonthreatening form. He was just an innocent looking robotic duck with rosy cheeks. Virgil looked back at Adam, pulling his head back into the hallway.
"Yeah... Lysander just said not to go in there."
"It's fine." Adam stepped partially in the kitchen to prove a point.
"Quackers will attack you."
"See?" Virgil wasn't moving.
"Adam's just mad because he didn't listen his first day and Quackers tried to kill him." Lysander's explanation did take some of the suspicion off of Adam, but at the same time, the First Man didn't really enjoy being called out.
"It's Hell, no one listens."
"I listened." Virgil replied pointedly.
"Yeah, and that's weird." Adam squinted at Virgil as if expecting him to explode into some sort of eldritch monster that happened to enjoy obeying the rules.
"Adam, if he gets eaten, we won't get to show off the best part." Lysander put a hand on Adam's shoulder.
"Or I could just get back to work. Also an option." Virgil suggested. It was clear to Adam that the handyman was ready to end the tour, which only made the Fallen First Man want to continue it. Adam sighed.
"Fine, let's go."
"We really don't have to-" Virgil started to talk, but Lysander was already pulling him down the hallway talking over his protest.
"This is where shit gets good." Lysander brought them to one of Adam's favorite locations. He opened the door to the gym. Lysander had continued expanding upon it in the time Adam had been around. (In fact, Adam had been quite helpful in transporting equipment around while Lucifer was brooding or in his study.) Virgil blinked.
"Oh, a gym. That's nice."
"But the catch is:" Lysander put a claw to his own lips, "ya can't tell the boss-man about these rooms. I'm seeing how long it takes him to notice they're here."
"You snuck an entire gym in here without the king noticing?" Virgil had a bit of an incredulous expression. "Can you like... turn invisible? Or..." Adam could see the handyman struggling to work out the logistics of Lysander's harmless, bust still hilarious little game.
"Nah, but Adam can, apparently." Lysander looked pleased with himself. Virgil looked over at Adam, raising an eyebrow.
"You can turn invisible?"
"Eh... something like that." Adam didn't feel like revealing his super awesome Sinner power to this uptight asshole who wasn't even going to last as a member of the staff. He just didn't have what it took. Adam could tell.
"Still, invisibility would be cheating. It's not about how clever I am, it's about how much Boss-Man doesn't pay attention." The rules of Lysander's game were arbitrary, but Adam respected them nonetheless. "It's been a lot harder to get stuff inside since Adam moved in, though. He is a lot more active with us now than he used to be. I don't even think he knew my last name for the entire first year I worked here. In fact, I'm pretty sure he barely remembered my first name. He called me Kyle for like... a month."
"Lysander Warson!"
"I knew you knew it." Lysander gave Syn a pat on the top of her little cylinder.
"Syn Morningstar! Darrel Quackers! Adam Dickmaster! Virgil...?" Syn trailed off realizing they had never gotten a proper introduction to Virgil, which was bullshit, and just further proof that the guy couldn't be trusted.
"... Dickmaster?" Virgil slowly turned his head to look at Adam, somehow managing to look incredibly judgy without having actual eyes. (He could narrow the sockets and that was more than enough for his face to become punchable.)
"You have the same last name as Adam!?" Syn sounded thoroughly excited as she did a flip in the air. "Are you two related!?"
"Ah... no. My last name is Infernus." Virgil quickly corrected.
"Infernus?" It took everything Adam had in him not to burst out laughing. "Is that a little... on the nose? Kinda like calling yourself: Virgil Demony Demonson."
"Your last name is Dickmaster." Virgil shot back.
"Actually, no, it isn't. I don't have a last name so Syn just took my very popular nickname and decided to use it as my last name." Adam deeply regretted making that joke to her all those months ago, especially right now, but he wasn't about to back down in front of Virgil.
"People call you Dickmaster?" Somehow Virgil still wasn't sounding convinced. He looked between Lysander and Syn for confirmation.
"Adam does not like it when I call him that!"
"Yeah... I've never called him that..." Lysander gave a little shrug. "But I mean I'm not opposed to it if that's something he wants to start."
"DICKMASTER!"
"No, nope." Adam couldn't deal with that coming out of Syn's mouth. "Forget I said anything. It was really more of a Heaven thing anyway. And Quackers." Quackers had never once called Adam Dickmaster. Just as Adam hadn't really called Quackers Darrel.
"Easy 'nuff." Lysander wasn't at all put off by the exchange and continued down the hall. "Now, the gym isn't the only thing I managed to get in here." He opened the next door.
"A movie theater?" Virgil's expression was hard to read as he stared at the fully functioning theater, complete with popcorn machine and fully-stocked snack bar.
"Each of these seats I brought in while he was home. It doesn't could if he's out. Takes the fun out of it." Lysander puffed out his chest, hands on his hips, tail flicking happily. "We have movie nights at least once a month. Just be warned, Syn picks some weird shit."
"I like artistic films."
"Adam and I are more action movie guys, but we can give you a turn in the rotation. Quackers really likes rom-coms so if you're into that shit he might actually let you in the kitchen." Lysander was offering Virgil a spot in movie night rotation. Adam almost couldn't believe it. Sure, he had offered Adam the same thing, but that was different. Adam was a delight. Virgil should have to earn his acceptance into the employee clique.
"I... don't really watch movies." Virgil practically proved Adam's point for him. Lysander didn't seem nearly as annoyed by this as Adam felt he should be.
"Well, we might just change that. Once you see Traitor in Treachery 3 you will understand what true cinema is."
"I like the part with the evil robot."
"You would." Adam did enjoy that movie. But it was clearly too sophisticated for someone like Virgil. Syn settled down on the top of Adam's head.
"Be subservient to your robot Overlord!"
"Welp, Adam's under Syn's control now." Lysander closed the theater door. "We can finally get to the best thing I managed to sneak in here. Syn, please pilot your meat puppet this way." Syn's colors rapidly changed from blue to red.
"Onward meat puppet!"
"As you wish." Adam didn't mind being Syn's minion. It was better than being Lucifer's maid. He followed Lysander to the next room where the Hellborn threw open the door posing dramatically beside his most impressive feat.
"... you got an entire bowling alley in here?" Virgil stared in complete disbelief for a moment before, surprisingly, starting to laugh. Adam didn't think the guy had a sense of humor, so he was a bit taken off his guard. Lysander looked pleased with the reaction.
"It was bloody fucking difficult too. I told Big Man I was having some college friends over and that we were having a rager."
"And he believed that!?" Virgil laughed harder at the explanation. "There had to be like... construction noises, right?"
"Hey, Boss doesn't judge how I choose to party." Lysander held up both of his hands. "We have bowling nights sometimes too. There are other amenities that Boss-Man does know about. There's a pool, a hot tub, and a really nice garden-"
"Best garden you'll ever see outside of Eden." Adam corrected. Cain had worked hard maintaining it. He deserved all the praise. It had to be difficult making anything pleasant while stuck in Hell. But if anyone could so it, it was his son.
"That sounds really nice, and I will be sure to check it out, but first we have kind of left the hole unattended for way longer than I am comfortable with." Virgil was willing to miss the best part of the tour, and that was just another strike against him. (And actually wanting to work was already strike three in Adam's book. Diligence was a virtue- Uriel's Virtue, to be precise- and it had no place in Hell.)
"It's fine! Syn has cameras, and the ground is blessed." Lysander assured him. "But you have pretty much seen the best parts of the tour. So, I guess we can head back."
"Thank you." Virgil was quick to head right back to the foyer, with Lysander, Adam, and Syn trailing behind him. Adam looked at the untouched glass on the ground by Virgil's workspace.
"I bet you're pretty thirsty." Adam gestured to the trap he had perfectly laid out. "After all this touring around, I mean."
"Actually," Lysander spoke up, "I'm parched after doing all that tour-giving." He looked at the glass on the floor. "Are you gonna drink that, mate?"
"Drink... what?" Virgil looked a bit confused as he started gathering boards from a pile on the ground. One of the boards slid out of the pile, knocking right into the glass, spilling it across the floor. Adam wasn't sure if he should be more pissed that he missed his chance, or relieved that he didn't need to knock it out of Lysander's hand. "Oops."
"Damn." Lysander sighed. "Adam, you think you can get me a drink from the kitchen? I don't wanna have to outrun Quackers."
"Why don't you come with me?" Adam suggested, clapping his hands together loudly. "It'll be a group trip! Not you, though." He immediately looked at Virgil who was already invested in moving the pile of wood and seemed indifferent to Adam's exclusion.
"I am fine with that. I just want to finish patching this hole."
"Come on!" Adam hurried down the hall, pulling Lysander by the arm, Syn still riding on his head as he headed to the kitchen.
"Mate, I don't think Quackers is gonna let me in there..." Lysander slowed down drastically as they neared the swinging double doors to the kitchen.
"It's fine, you can stand in the doorway. We need to have an employee meeting. Urgently." Adam peeked down the hall to be sure they weren't followed. They seemed far enough from Virgil. Adam opened one of the doors. "Quackers! Meeting!"
"Quack!"
"No, no one is coming into the kitchen but Syn and I. Lysander will stay in hallway and Virgil's not invited because he sucks."
"Quack."
"So, he's cool if I go to the meeting?" Lysander clearly didn't understand Quackers, and that was probably for the best.
"Quack!"
"Just... don't put your foot over the threshold." Adam propped the door open as Quackers wheeled his way over to the group. Lysander shrugged and sat down on the floor of the hallway.
"So, do I still get my drink? Or-"
"About the new guy!" Adam cut him off. "I know, as your most beloved member and unquestioned leader, that we are all thinking the same thing about him..." Adam paused for dramatic effect, but it seemed that the others didn't get the memo because as Adam said: "That he sucks" the others chimed in simultaneously.
"Quack!"
"That he is very polite!"
"That he's kinda hot."
"Quackers, yes. Syn, no. Lysander..." Adam took a deep breath, pressing the fingertips of his mismatched hands together, "what the fuck?"
"What?" Lysander shrugged. "You asked what we thought."
"Why am I not your type, but he is hot?" Adam didn't have any attraction to Lysander, but he felt as if his ego had been dealt a blow. Even if he looked like an unfinished art project that somebody accidentally printed on a black and white printer, he was still attractive.
"I like the whole... mysterious thing. Don't judge."
"I am absolutely judging. Michael himself might be dethroned as the Angel of Judgement from how hard I am judging you right now." Adam's eyes narrowed and he pressed his tented fingertips against his lips before letting his hands drop. "And I'm mysterious! And I'm a hot piece of ass."
"You're... not mysterious." Lysander stood, and slowly reached across the threshold to pat Adam on the shoulder but Quackers immediately snapped at him and Lysander pulled his hand back.
"QUACK!"
"Sorry, mate."
"See? Quackers agrees with me." Adam smirked.
"Quackers simply believes the kitchen is too crowded."
"But I'm not even in the kitchen..." Lysander flopped back on the ground.
"You guys don't think this guy is suspicious as fuck?" Adam knew Quackers was on his side, but Lysander and Syn were turning out to be quite the let downs.
"Why is he suspicious, exactly?"
"Quack."
"Well aside from that," Adam looked back to Lysander, "he listens to instructions, he wants to get his work done, and earlier, I think he told me thanks. This is Hell goddamnit. No one should say thank you. When I say it, I throw up!"
"Especially when you say it to Master!"
"I think that's just a you thing, mate." Lysander put his hands on the ground, leaning backward. "Believe it or not, most Hellborns and Fallens respect the King. He's in charge for a reason. He is old and powerful, and those traits are respected. Not so much by Sinners obviously, but Hellborns that are old enough to remember what he's capable of aren't gonna piss him off. I assume it's the same with Fallen, right? Like... Heaven's gotta know what he did."
"What he did was have his ass kicked by Michael." It was true that Lucifer's name was well known in Heaven for all the wrong reasons. He was feared almost as much as his brother. In Adam's opinion, Winners and Angels contributed way too much to that traitorous sonnuva bitch. They assumed Lucifer was far more hands on than he really was. Adam had briefly fallen in that group. But living here, it seemed Lucifer was less whispering cruelties in the ears of the innocent, tempting them into sin and more crying alone in his bedroom over a tub of ice cream large enough for an entire population of a small country.
"The point is that just because you don't respect the Big Guy, doesn't mean that someone who does is automatically suspicious. Syn respects him."
"I am also incredibly suspicious."
"Syn respects everybody." Adam knew Lysander had a point, but that didn't mean the First Man was wrong. "I just get bad vibes from him."
"Well, I'm security. I can keep a closer eye on him if you want. I won't have nearly as much to do once he fixes the wall. I'm gonna miss the hole. It was like TV for me."
"I won't miss it." Adam was not a fan of being able to stare out into Hell every time he tried to go down the stairs.
"So..." Lysander looked back up at Adam, "was the drink a lie to get me out here? Or can I actually have something to drink. 'Cause I am actually thirsty."
"Fine." Adam went to the fridge. "What do you want?"
"Is there a Vox Cola in there?"
"What flavor?"
"Arctic breeze!"
"What flavor is that?" Adam pulled the can out of the fridge. "Like... how does that even taste. Arctic Breeze is a fucking concept not something you taste."
"I can't really describe it." Lysander took the can from him. "But it's the closest thing we have to Krampus Kola in Pride and I am not paying for it to be shipped all the way out here."
"The fuck is Krampus Kola?"
"It's this drink from my dad's home town." Lysander popped the Soda open and began chugging. "So, are we going to go back? Is the meeting over?"
"Yeah." Adam realized he had just abducted every witness in the house while Lucifer was sleeping upstairs. Not that he cared but he didn't want to be the one responsible if Virgil decided to try and overthrow the Devil in his weakened state. Surely Syn would have spoken up if something was amiss. She had cameras after all. They walked back into the foyer to see the hole was gone. It looked better than before. In fact. "What... the fuck?"
"Damn, he moves quick." Lysander looked more impressed than off put.
"NO MORE HOLE!"
"Hey Syn, wanna see how it looks from the outside!?" Lysander was taking this far too well. Adam was... unnerved. This seemed too fast. What? Did Virgil have some kind of. Crazy fucking wall-repairing, powers!? While Lysander and Syn went to look outside, Adam headed straight up the stairs. There was Virgil, hand over the door to Lucifer's room.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing!?" Adam's hair stood on end; he felt his heart pounding. It didn't look like Virgil was armed, but it sure as shit didn't look like he could build a wall in the time it took for Adam to have a meeting.
"The wall is repaired; I was just going to tell-"
"He's sleeping." Adam brought himself up to his full height, which would have been more impressive if he hadn't been about the same size as Virgil.
"Sorry, I didn't know." Virgil took his hand off the doorknob. He looked behind him at the horse shaped hole in the window at the end of the hall. Adam thought, for a moment, he might try to flee. But no. "Why don't I just focus on fixing that as my next project?" Virgil took another step away.
"Where are you going?" Adam was watching him carefully. A part of his brain was screaming at him to attack. But if he bit him, then Virgil would be Corrupted and he would definitely end up becoming a permanent fixture at the mansion. Which was the opposite of what Adam wanted. Something was just... off about him.
"To get my tools, they're downstairs." Virgil held up both of his hands to show he was completely unarmed. Adam remained unconvinced.
"Go."
"You need to calm down." Virgil met his gaze.
"You need to step the fuck back."
"You both need to shut the fuck up." The door behind Adam opened and he could see Lucifer in that stupid chair, bundled in a blanket. "I think you're all allergic to letting me sleep."
"Your majesty, the wall is fixed. I can start on the window-"
"I don't give a shit." Lucifer held his hands up. "Adam, inside." He opened the door wider.
"Sir, I don't think that-" Virgil looked ready to protest. Adam was on edge, ready to strike him down at a moment's notice but it seemed as if he wouldn't have to.
"You weren't hired for your opinion." Lucifer rubbed his eyes. "Go fix something. Adam, with me. Now." It seemed for a moment like Virgil was going to refuse the command, his eyes narrowed, he seemed to almost be sizing them both up. "Is there going to be a problem? You were just hired. Don't make me change my mind."
"N... no your highness." Virgil bowed at the waist and turned to head back down the stairs. Adam could see him turning to look back at him. Lucifer grabbed Adam's hand pulling him into the bedroom and closing the door behind them both.
"That guy is so fucking sus! Right?" As soon as the door was closed Adam was ready to put forth all his evidence. "I think there's something wrong him. Like... maybe he's Corrupted. Or maybe he's like some monster in disguise. Or like he's a spy-"
"I did not expect you to get so worked up over this." Lucifer's voice was flat, not exactly filled with the concern that Adam had been hoping to raise.
"I have some evidence. He said: thank you; he wants to work; I don't think I've even heard him swear once; oh yeah, he built a fucking wall in no time flat!"
"I like how you have 'wants to work' as suspicious behavior."
"Listen, you're injured right now. We can't just risk letting in any old asshole off the street just because he can follow basic fucking instructions- which is actually a point against him on my list of reasons he can't be trusted."
"Y... you're actually worried..." Lucifer seemed to be missing the fucking point entirely. "Are you worried about me?"
"I'm not worried- especially not about you." Adam felt a wave of nausea start to hit. He had been so on edge; he hadn't even realized how sick he had been feeling. He pushed past the Devil and grabbed the hat off the floor, vomiting into it again.
"Sure you're not." Lucifer almost looked smug as he watched Adam vomit into the hat. "It's all about intent."
"Well, I intend not to fucking die. You're protecting me, remember?" Adam wiped his mouth with his sleeve putting the hat back down. "And you may be fine with trusting some fucking stranger not to kill you but I-"
"Adam, relax." Lucifer sighed. "You don't need to have an episode. You've been doing so well."
"I'm not having an episode! I have legitimate concerns! It's different."
"It's fine. Virgil isn't a stranger." Lucifer's words made Adam fall quiet. "Now, calm down, just breathe for a moment."
"Is he like... some longtime friend? A concubine? A fucking wizard-"
"Please God no. Never call him a concubine again. I have fucking taste."
"See, I thought the same thing but Lysander thought he was hot and-" Adam cut off as he saw Lucifer practically choke on his own breath. "Are you dying?"
"No. I'm fine. It's just..." Lucifer pinched the bridge of skin between his eyes. "Listen, shit head, if I tell you something, you need to keep it to your fucking self and don't, I repeat don't freak out."
"I have never freaked out in my entire life." Adam's statement earned him a look from Lucifer. The Devil took a deep breath.
"Virgil... is Michael."
Adam squinted at him for a moment, before looking behind him at the door, then back to Lucifer. "Goddamnit. That's fucking worse."
A/N: Quackers is the real MVP. We all know Lucifer will have to pry Adam out of those feathery wings. Lol jk. But for real Adam got sooooooo jealous this chapter. And look at that. He actually CARES. That must have been difficult for him. He'll rationalize this all to Quackers later.