"Okay, calm down Jonagold, let's not panic." Lucifer took a deep breath. Adam was a loud, obnoxious, ball of hate and destruction, he was like a puppy without the cuteness.
"I called for him, I checked the mansion, does he leave on his own?" Charlie sounded stressed and Lucifer started to feel badly for putting her in this situation.
"Not... often?" The Devil actually wasn't sure what Adam did when he wasn't around. "Have you tried asking Syn to scan for him?"
"She did and she couldn't find him."
"Right." Lucifer should have known that Adam was going to be a pain in the ass about all of this. "Maybe talk to Lysander?" They seemed to be close for some fucking reason.
"He hasn't seen Adam since he got back from the gym."
"Goddamnit." Lucifer pinched the bridge of skin between his eyes. Adam could be anywhere. That was what sucked the most about this entire, bullshit scenario. "He might be hiding in a reflection." If Adam had vanished into one of the mansion's many reflective surfaces there was no easy way to find him.
"You mean like he did during the Shoggoth attack?"
"Yeah, his Sinner power is stupid and allows him to move around in anything remotely shiny." Lucifer loved his gilded aesthetic, however, once he got home, he was going to have to cover everything, even the picture frames and faucets in thick, plush carpeting to stop this from ever happening again.
"That sounds... problematic."
"It can be when he's being an ass. Which is always. So, yeah, I guess it is problematic." Lucifer began to pace back and forth. He always knew Adam had the capability to run off, but the First Man had, simply, never made the attempt. Honestly, the Devil just assumed that the Fallen human was too stupid to realize the full potential of his abilities.
"Wait! I see him!" Charlie's words sent relief washing over the Devil like a rush of refreshing water. "Adam! Where have you been!?" There was a bit of silence on the other end of the line. "Adam?" Charlie sounded a little concerned.
"Char-Char, take a step back." The cool rush of relief was replaced by the chill of ice starting to form in the Devil's veins as a quiet Adam was never a good sign. "Does he look agitated? Is he making any unusual noises?"
"N... no..." There was some reassurance in Charlie's voice. "He's just... standing there... dusting?" Dusting? That didn't really sound like Adam (well, okay, he did occasionally dust, but that was for- what Lucifer assumed to be- nefarious purposes). Though, Lucifer had not seen Adam's fully Corrupted state too many times, it had typically been aggressive. Doing mundane, repetitive tasks was actually symptomatic of something worse.
"My apple, I need you to stay back."
"He looks... confused?" Nothing Charlie said was making the situation sound any better from Lucifer's perspective. "He's stopped dusting and now he's looking at me." Lucifer felt his chest tighten as he squeezed his phone in his hand. "I mean, he doesn't look aggressive or anything. He's just kind of watching me. Maybe I can show you?"
"Can you video call?"
"I can try." He could here Charlie fumbling with her phone for a moment. Lucifer wasn't super optimistic, as Purgatory was another realm entirely and the phones in Hell were lucky enough to call across that barrier. Video might be asking for too much. "Did it go through?" Lucifer looked at his phone.
"No. The service here isn't... fantastic." God, he sounded like fucking Michael. This shit with Adam was starting to mess with his head.
"I can try to send a picture."
"You're far away, right?"
"Yes dad." Charlie was quiet for a moment as he could hear her messing with her phone again. "Wow... this is taking forever."
"I'm surprised we have service at all, I'll be honest." Lucifer tried not to panic as he thought about his daughter, alone, in a hallway, with what might end up being a Corrupted Adam. Maybe he should just ditch Michael and head back. "Has he moved at all? Does he look like he might try to attack? What's he doing?"
"Still just kind of... staring."
"Does he blink?"
"Yeah, I've seen him blink. There's something... off about him though. I can't quite put my finger on it."
"Oh?" As if the pit in Lucifer's stomach couldn't twist itself any more into knots. It sounded like his daughter might need him. And Charlie was more important than even a hope of finding Azrael. She was his daughter.
"Oh! I think the picture sent!" Sure enough, as Charlie spoke, Lucifer heard the nice little ding in his ear as the phone notified him of a message. He tried to calm himself as he put Charlie on speaker, trying to load the message. At first there was just a blank square, the image took a lifetime to load on his screen. (Okay, it only took a few minutes, but when the situation was as uncertain as it was now, that FELT like centuries.)
"I got it." Lucifer squinted at the image. It was Adam, the feather duster was still in his hand, and he was looking directly at Charlie. His expression was mildly confused, but it wasn't that same empty stare he would give before an attack. It just looked as if Charlie had asked him a particularly confusing riddle. But there was something... off about him.
"Well?"
"Sonnuvabitch." It suddenly clicked for the Devil as to why the First Man looked different. "Char-Char... did you flip the image before you sent it?"
"No. Why?"
"I don't think that's Adam. Do me a favor and to take your trident and stab him. I don't care where. It doesn't even have to be hard."
"WHAT!?"
"The black and white are on the wrong side of his body. Adam's white side is on his left." There was a moment of silence on the other end.
"Holy fuck."
"Yeah, you can just put a bit of pressure on the clone, and it should disappear."
"Wait! Maybe we could as it where the real Adam is!" Charlie lowered her voice a bit before adding, "I don't really want to attack it, that feels mean. And he's dusting, that's super nice of him to do. That portrait was looking a little worse for wear."
"I don't think they can talk yet." Lucifer instantly regretted adding the word yet to his sentence because why the fuck would he wish that upon himself? One Adam was bad enough. If the others learned to talk it might be worth it to just let the Elder Gods win. "But fine, if you don't want to kill it, I won't make you. They're just clones Adam makes using his stupid fucking Sinner power. They aren't particularly sturdy, but I have seen him use them before." Though it had been some time since Lucifer had last seen him use that particular part of his ability, so the Devil had willfully forgotten that it was possible.
"It's just doing such a good job dusting I feel a little guilty. Like: wow, thanks for the help. Time to die." For the daughter of the Devil, Charlie really did have such a loving, gentle heart. It was one of the reasons Lucifer felt the need to protect her from Heaven and all the pain those assholes Upstairs could cause.
"That's fair."
"Oh!" Charlie made a noise of excitement as an idea seemed to hit. "Maybe I can ask Quackers where the real Adam is!"
"Do you actually understand him?" Lucifer had been operating under the assumption that Adam just made up whatever the fuck he wanted when it came to 'translating' for the rogue duck animatronic, as Quackers (despite the name) didn't actually quack in the traditional sense like a real duck. He simply said the word quack over and over again. Lucifer wasn't sure how that could even be translated as it wasn't a real language, but he trusted Charlie.
"I... get the gist."
"You know, that's better than what I've been able to do."
"Hang on." Charlie was most likely heading toward the kitchen. So much for an easy trip to Port Gatory. Adam just had to be a diva who ran off when he didn't get his way and replaced himself with a clone. Fucking prick. "Quackers! Hi buddy!" Charlie sounded so sweet. Lucifer could hear the faint sound of the kitchen door swinging behind her.
"Quack."
"Good to see you!"
"Quack."
"Right, well, I was just wondering," Charlie was definitely stressed out. Lucifer was going to have to strangle Adam when he got home. "If you had seen Adam?"
"... quack."
"Well, it's just... I saw him in the kitchen with you when I got here."
"... quack. Quack quack quack quack."
"He literally had dish gloves on. I know what I saw." Charlie wasn't backing down, despite Quackers's hesitance to answer the questions.
"Quack."
"Well, where is he?"
"Quack quack quack."
"No, that was a clone. Not the real Adam. And I think you know that, Quackers." Charlie clicked her tongue at him.
"Quack quack quack Quack Quack."
"Goddamnit." Charlie took a deep breath; Lucifer could hear the irritation in her voice. "Can you at least tell me if he's here?" There was a moment of silence.
"Quack."
"No he isn't here? Or no you can't tell me?"
"Quack quack quack."
"Jesus fucking Christ, Quackers." Lucifer was ready to head back and interrogate the duck himself. "Just tell her where Adam is so we can get this over with."
"He doesn't want to break the Bro Code." Charlie's explanation didn't exactly fill Lucifer with any confidence. Quackers was a traitor. Lucifer should have known better.
"What the fuck is the Bro Code?"
"Probably something Adam taught him?" Charlie sighed on the other end of the line. That did sound like some stupid shit Adam would come up with. Still, if Quackers wasn't talking Lucifer could at least assume Adam had coordinated this. He liked to think if the First Man had been acting out of character, growling or trying to bite people, Quackers would be more willing to divulge information. Still, it was frustrating that something Lucifer had made was loyal to Adam. It was Hell. There shouldn't be a sense of loyalty-
"Char-Char," that train of thought had given Lucifer an idea. "Why don't you try calling Cain?" If anyone could get Adam out of hiding, it would be his kids. And Cain had no loyalty to anyone, especially his father.
"I can do that!" Charlie perked up. "I will call you back! Love you! Have fun on your trip!" This wasn't necessarily a fun trip, but Lucifer wasn't going to tell her that.
"Love you too, Honeycrisp." The Devil ended the call. Cain would help if Charlie needed him. As much as the First Murderer liked to give Lucifer a hard time, he adored Charlie. Like Adam, Cain seemed to have a soft spot for children (except Abel, Lucifer supposed) and while Charlie was no longer little, Cain still clearly saw her as the little girl for whom he would make big, elaborate birthday cakes. It was almost sweet.
"Rough day?" Lucifer nearly jumped as he whipped around to see Jezebel standing behind him, coffee cup in hand, looking him up and down.
"It's been fine." Lucifer didn't really feel like going into the explanation of the chaos at home, and Jezebel probably didn't really care, anyway. So, he lied.
"Uh huh." She took a sip from her cup. Lucifer raised an eyebrow at her. He had been hoping to avoid anything like this, but somehow Jezebel found him.
"Why are you here?"
"Michael showed up and things got real angel-y on the docks and I wasn't about to have to deal with all that." She took a seat on the bench on which Lucifer had been sitting moments before, crossing her legs.
"That's fair."
"Dealing with one angel is bad enough."
"Yeah... I don't know how you do it." Lucifer sat beside her, keeping his phone in his hand for when Charlie inevitably called back when they found Adam. He had a respect for Jezebel, dealing with angels- or, well, just one angel- on a regular basis. He was constantly on the verge of a complete breakdown from living with Michael.
"Jayce isn't... the worst, at least when he's by himself. I mean, he did steal a book for us." Jezebel smirked at the memory. That had been surprising, but knowing what Lucifer knew now, he assumed Jazeerael could get away with the action because the journal was something Raphael would have willingly given him anyway. "He's just lame."
"All angels are lame."
"True." Jezebel wasn't bothering him about work, so this was off to a good start. However, Lucifer didn't fully trust her. "New guy is pretty cool." The Devil blinked.
"New guy?"
"Yeah, the Winner that Gabriel brought to help out? Love how Heaven sent some fucking help and you haven't even responded to one of my maintenance requests."
"Aren't you supposed to be doing maintenance." Lucifer narrowed his eyes. Sure, big things would be out of Jezebel's hands, but he knew she didn't even bother with routine shit.
"You know the boat like full-on broke, right? The back up that Heaven sent us is... useable but it has the wrong vibe. I sent you so many fucking reports about this."
"Is that why there are so many souls?" Lucifer recalled the incident with the boat from both Charlie and Michael, both of whom had described the original ship as beyond repair.
"We're way behind. Even Lady Death has taken a few boat loads to try and ease the backlog." Jezebel looked annoyed as she took a swallow of her coffee. "See, this is why we need to actually be on the ships. I would have found that infestation way before it fucked up our engines. And while I'm pitching ideas, we really should have more than one boat."
"I didn't agree to have you guys benched." Lucifer had been just as surprised when he first ran into the boat captains just lazing around the city.
"Well, you didn't exactly stop it either." Maybe it had been a bad idea to sit beside Jezebel. He had enough on his plate without her talking about work. "Now everything has gone to shit. The Hell Liner is held together with duct tape and a literal prayer- which makes navigating it difficult, Jayce and I are stuck trying to process more souls than ever, and- oh yeah- one of our automated staff went missing."
"You mean like the ones on the boat? I thought they just got broken." The staff that manned the boats were easily replaced or repaired.
"Not those guys, but your brother is fixing Paul as we speak."
"Not my brother, and I didn't think the staff had set names." Lucifer was a little surprised to hear the name Paul come up so continuously as the boat-staff especially were always changing names to help better ease the souls into the afterlife. Purgatory was all about feeling familiar, safe. It was deceptive in that way. It could make souls comfortable enough to wander away.
"They usually don't. But I'll be honest with you, the more recent staff Heaven has sent down have been... shitty. I was going to say not their best work to be polite but I realized I don't actually care."
"Heaven doesn't give a shit about anyone other than themselves." Lucifer put a clawed hand on Jezebel's shoulder as he reminded her of where they stood. No matter what Heaven would look down on the other realms, that was why they were located so high up, so everywhere else was beneath them. (Sure, Michael was trying to help stop Corruption from spreading through Hell, but that benefited Heaven just as much.) "You will never be a priority to them."
"At least they actually send us shit. When was the last time you supplied us with any actual help?"
"I help in more of an... abstract way." And by that, Lucifer meant he had been off setting his duties onto others. But if he wanted to fix the crisis at hand, he would need to be more involved. He knew that. (Also, Michael didn't need to be overexerting himself with his injury. He wasn't the type to say: no when someone needed help.) "But maybe I can take a look at what needs to be done, since I'm already here."
"Why are you here anyway?" Jezebel sipped her drink judgmentally. (That attitude of hers was definitely something she got from hanging around the angels.)
"Keeping an eye on Michael, you know, since we're in neutral territory."
"I can see that from how you're nowhere near him."
"I mean, you've met him. He's awful."
"True. He's like if someone dumped you in rainbows and glitter. Kinda like your daughter, 'cept she's at least hot now."
"First of all, stay the fuck away from my daughter or I will kill you." Lucifer knew Charlie was an adult in a committed relationship (and he was starting to wonder if she would be planning a wedding soon) but she was still his baby girl and hearing Jezebel talk about her brought out his paternal instinct. "Secondly, my darling little red delicious is nothing like that haughty, two-faced, wing-cutting bastard from Upstairs."
"Okay, big guy. Calm your tits."
"Don't tell me to calm my tits; I'm your fucking King." Lucifer narrowed his eyes at her, getting annoyed by her attitude. Jezebel tilted her head all the way back, finishing the last of her drink before tossing the cup behind her.
"Calm your tits, your majesty."
"This is why I never come to Purgatory."
"Port Gatory, and you wouldn't come even if I kissed your ass. We know we're the forgotten stepchildren of every realm."
"Well," Lucifer took a deep breath. He looked around, even as they talked, he could see in influx of souls wandering the streets. As the human population grew, Purgatory gradually got more and more crowded. But this... this was beyond anything he had seen before. The streets were as busy as Lu Lu World during one of the Devil's bullshit, made up holidays. The automated staff must have been running themselves into the ground trying to keep up. "Maybe that needs to change. I can probably help get another boat commissioned. As for getting you help... I might be able to manufacture a few more employees." He wanted to suggest using the lost souls that wandered off and suffered the self-erasing symptoms of Purgatory Sickness be reused as employees. But even by his standards that seemed a little fucked up. "You know I can't just... assign someone here. There are only so many rings."
"Don't I know it." Jezebel heaved a sigh, resting her elbows on her knees and putting her chin in her hands. "New guy had to use Gabriel's ring."
"Gabriel gave his ring away?"
"Yeah, we were surprised too. But we'll take anything at this point. And it's not like big guy actually needs it."
"In that case, all the arcs should give up their rings to make things easier." Lucifer supposed it made sense for Gabriel to sacrifice his own ring that granted him immunity to Purgatory's long-term effects as, he was an Arc and was therefore somewhat resistant. Still, the rings were a commodity. Lesser demons like Jezebel wouldn't be able to withstand the realm for more than a few days. (If even that.)
"Oh, good idea, the love that self-sacrificing shit anyway."
"That they do." Lucifer checked his phone again. Nothing from Charlie. He wasn't sure if he should be glad or concerned. "You... um..." He looked back at Jezebel, only just now fully processing her earlier rant. "Did you say one of the staff is missing?"
"Yeah, it's super fucking weird. It was one of the store owners." Well, that was... unexpected. The store owners didn't really leave their shops unless a soul required assistance with something in particular. It wasn't like one of them to wander off. They were programmed to know the area, so even if they did leave in order to help, they should have had no trouble navigating back to their respective posts.
"That's more than weird. Do the Arcs know?"
"I mean, nerd-boy reported it. So, I assume they do. And if they didn't get the written memo, then they know now because Big Blue is literally having the world's most annoyingly polite conversation on the Docks."
"Yeah, angels suck."
"They really do."
"Assholes." Lucifer relaxed on the bench as things went quite between he and the boat captain. Jezebel was right about some things, Purgatory had been the forgotten realm when it came to Heaven and Hell's constant bickering. Lucifer would occasionally visit. But he couldn't remember the last time he had actually done anything to improve Purgatory. (And with things getting as crowded as they were, it sounded as if they could use a theme park. And he was great at making those. Ask anyone in Hell.)
"So..." Jezebel leaned over after a moment had passed for the Devil to contemplate everything thus far. "Is Gabe single?"
"Yes, but Archangels don't fucking date. They're incapable of love." Lucifer figured he might as well humor the question.
"Isn't Raph married?"
"Don't call him that, and probably not. I got married once and it was kind of a big deal and got me kicked out of Heaven. Remember?"
"I... don't think that's why you were kicked out of Heaven." Jezebel was wrong, of course, which wasn't all that surprising as she didn't know shit. She had spent most of her existence in Purgatory. Which would be sad if Lucifer had any feeling of empathy. At least it was beautiful here. Fortunately, the phone rang.
"Hey bitch!" Lucifer quickly answered, ignoring the snort from Jezebel. "Glad to hear from you." It had been longer than he was hoping but so long as Charlie was calling with good news, it didn't really matter.
"Well... Uncle Cain is here."
"Hi dumbass!" Cain's voice could be heard from somewhere in the distance.
"Charlie, am I on speaker?" Lucifer's cheeks tinted gold for a moment. He knew he knew he would never hear the end of his phone greeting from Cain. BUT it was an inside joke. Just between he and Charlie. There was no way Cain would understand the nuance of the Morningstar family humor. He heard Charlie let out a nervous sounding laugh.
"Oh, yeah, sorry. We're um... we're still looking for Adam."
"How did you lose my fucking dad!?" Cain sounded somewhere between pissed and amused. It was hard to tell exactly which emotion was winning.
"I didn't lose him. He escaped."
"That... kinda makes it sound like you were holding Adam hostage?" Charlie sounded less than thrilled with the description, but she, if anyone, should know the reason behind Adam and Lucifer's living situation.
"He wasn't my hostage he was my servant that I held in the manor who obeyed my every command. Very different." And, in Lucifer's defense, Adam wasn't all that obedient. "And he consented. We made a deal."
"Except you lost him." Cain seemed to be missing the point. Lucifer took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of skin between his eyes.
"No. He's being obnoxious and playing hide-and-go-seek because he's mad that I wouldn't take him with me to Port Gatory."
"Oh no, you lost your pet?" Jezebel spoke up, clearly hearing at least Lucifer's half of the conversation. "I wondered why you didn't bring him along."
"Not my pet, my maid. And I didn't lose him." Mid-sentence, Lucifer realized he didn't have to explain himself to the likes of her and returned his attention to the call at hand. "Have you tried calling his phone?"
"He has it switched off." Charlie sighed. Well, that was his best idea yet. If he wasn't answering for Cain he really wasn't in the mansion, or he was a bigger pissbaby than even Lucifer could have imagined. (Which was possible.)
"Or he's just ignoring me because I'm his least favorite kid." Cain suggested. Lucifer shook his head, though no one could see the gesture. Adam would have picked up for Cain.
"His phone might have died. He's shit at keeping it charged."
"He's shit with all technology." Cain acknowledged Lucifer's point. "But he's old and terrible so there is nothing that can be done about him."
"Fuck." Lucifer got to his hooves once again. "I have a verified way to find him, but I can't do it here." Small feats of magic were fine. But this would be something more elaborate, and with the crowds in Port Gatory, there was no way the souls wouldn't witness the display and become unnerved. Scared souls flee. That was the reason Port Gatory was designed to be as similar to the living world as possible. Otherwise, souls would catch on to where they were and they might run into the wilderness, whether it be out if a sense of fear or confusion. Regardless, it did not have a great outcome. It happened, even without interference. Occasionally a soul would catch on and make a break for it. They had someone in charge of gathering the souls that strayed too far, but she was still just one person. Not every soul got found. The last thing Lucifer needed to do was perform some sort of amazing magic trick that might cause mass panic. Then Michael might get pissed and he would never get his answers. "Hang on while I go somewhere less... crowded."
"You can use my place." Jezebel's offer was more likely than not, coming from a place of curiosity. He knew she was eavesdropping, but he couldn't be bothered to stop her.
"Sure." Lucifer had never been to Jezebel's house. They weren't exactly friends and when he had visited in the past, she had predominantly been busy with the boat. Good times.
"Follow me." Jezebel led him through the busy streets as Lucifer debated whether or not finding Adam was actually worth all of this excess effort. It didn't feel like it was. Still, he couldn't risk Adam being symptomatic and running amok somewhere in Hell spreading the Corruption. Lucifer didn't feel as if Adam were that stressed out. But he couldn't be sure.
"I am sorry this happened, dad." Charlie was still on the line as Lucifer weaved his way through the crowd. At this rate, they might have to expand the city proper to alleviate traffic. Maybe hat was what Michael and Jazeerael were talking about. Lucifer was just relieved that his not-brother wasn't around to witness this Adam-related disaster.
"It's not your fault at all, Char-Char."
"Yeah, dad just sucks." Cain at least seemed happy to cheer Charlie up at the expense of his own father. When they found Adam, Lucifer was gonna kill him.
Eventually the crowds started to thin out. The buildings became less commercial and started to look more like homes. Most of these were just empty, but occasionally the souls could choose to stay there if there was a delay with the boats. It wasn't often so Lucifer was a little surprised to see most of the fake-houses in use.
"Jessica!" A soul ran out toward Jezebel as they walked. "Thank you so much for setting me up with this Air B&B! I really appreciate it!"
"It was nothing, Yuchi." Jezebel smiled her voice sweet and professional. "If you need anything else, just let Jayce or I know. Or any of our other helpful employees. And thank you for choosing Port Gatory as your vacation spot!"
"Thank you again." The soul smiled. "You know... I don't usually take trips by myself. But I am so glad I did this! It's been nice to relax. Maybe I'll get to see your boat! I haven't been assigned a ticket yet, but both of the boats look like so much fun!"
"Who knows? I bet you'll have fun no matter which one you get." Watching Jezebel interact with the souls was... strangely pleasant. (Especially considering the fact that Jezebel was a Hellborn. Though, Yuchi wasn't going to learn that fact. Lucifer could tell she was headed Up. So, even Winners were having to wait. That was weird. The Devil just assumed they got priority.) Yuchi looked at him as she turned to go.
"I love your makeup!"
"Oh, thanks." He hadn't bothered shapeshifting into a human form as he had not anticipated being here that long. Michael just had other plans.
"We're almost there." Jezebel started walking again as the soul went back inside. They continued down the path until the streets became sparser. The buildings were spaced further apart. There was room for yards. The houses maintained their picturesque quality, complete with little white picket fences. It didn't seem as if it were something that necessarily aligned with Jezebel's aesthetics, but Lucifer supposed he didn't know her all that well. They continued down the road, running into fewer and fewer souls. If he had not seen the crowding for himself, he would have been shocked to see wanderers this far from the docks. But he supposed the souls had nothing else to do but wander, and he, if anyone, understood the desire not to be surrounded by others.
"You're back!" There was an almost familiar sounding voice, and for a moment, Lucifer was looking around like a madman trying to place it.
"Dad... can you put it on speaker...? I just..." Charlie spoke up from the other side of the phone. She must have heard it too. "I just thought I recognized the voice." Lucifer was happy to do anything for his daughter, so he immediately obliged as Jezebel heaved a heavy sigh.
"What are you doing out of the house!? We talked about this, Frank."
"I'm not Frank! I'm Steven!"
"No, you're not! I'm Steven! You're a racecar!"
"Maybe I am a racecar!"
"Racecar spelled backward is racecar!" All at once there was a flurry of voices and Lucifer was surprised to see a gang of roosters surrounding them. (He wasn't surprised by the fact that the animals seemed to be able to talk, as talking animals was an everyday occurrence in Hell, but he couldn't shake the feeling that he heard those obnoxious little voices before.)
"That... sounds like the egg bois..." Charlie's voice cracked a bit, and Lucifer didn't think he could attribute it to the shitty phone connection in Port Gatory.
"They are... roosters..." Lucifer described what he was seeing, as he wasn't sure how else to help. One of the roosters took a moment to sit on his shoe and stare up at him.
"There's someone in your hat."
"Is that the Princess?" Another rooster waddled its way over occupying the space on Lucifer's other shoe as the third one fluttered its wings so it could take a seat on the King's hat.
"Hi princess! Do you like being a hat?"
"I'm on the phone." There was a smile in Charlie's voice, though Lucifer could still hear it wavering. "Are... are you the egg bois? Have you seen Sir Pentious?"
"Boss was with Jazz Hands when the King came to talk to him." The rooster on his hat craned its neck so it could look directly into the Devil's face.
"Jazz hands?" Charlie was clearly confused.
"Jazeerael. They mean Jazeerael." Jezebel was shaking her head. "You guys know you can call him Jayce if you can't remember his real name. Also," she turned her head toward the phone. "Hiiiiii Charlie!"
"Jezebel!" Charlie sounded a little desperate. "Are those Sir Pentious's egg bois!? Is he with you!? Have you seen him!?"
"I mean..." Jezebel squinted at the roosters who had all decided that Lucifer was their new roost. "They're roosters." There was the distinct sound of Charlie taking a deep breath.
"Jezebel."
"Yeah, Pentious works for us. I mean technically he works for Jazeerael, but we share. He's been a great intern, but I am going to eat one of these fucking roosters."
"You love us." The rooster on his shoe (who may or may not have been named either Frank or Steven) decided to answer for her.
"Pentious is with you!? C-can I talk to him!?" Charlie had derailed the original purpose of this trip, but Lucifer supposed the Adam-crisis could wait a moment longer.
"Yeah, sure, I think I see him." Jezebel walked to one of the identical looking houses waving to a soul that was looking rather distressed as it ran around the yard. It took Lucifer a moment to recognize him in his human form, the last time he had seen Cedric Penhurst, the man had been a snake. Now, he had legs. "Hey, Pen, the Princess wants to talk to you."
"Charlie?" The voice wasn't quite as serpentine as Lucifer recalled, but there was no denying that it was the very same Sinner Michael claimed had been redeemed.
"PENTIOUS!?" Charlie's voice was almost a scream. Lucifer swore he could hear her crying on the other end. Cain had better been offering Charlie comfort (and maybe a nice snack) or Lucifer was going to kill him. "YOU'RE OKAY!"
"Yes! I ended up going to Heaven after I was murdered, so it really wasn't so bad. They have really good food. And nice TV." Pentious seemed to be in good spirits, Lucifer noticed the ring on his hand from Gabriel.
"Then how did you get to Port Gatory?" Charlie was, most likely, in shock. Which was understandable as she hadn't talked to this Sinner in particular since Adam had murdered him.
"Gabriel suggested it! I help fix the boats! I was just discussing designs with Jazeerael and the King when my bois ran off and I needed to find them." Pentious replied brightly.
"You mean my dad?" Charlie's voice sounded as confused as Lucifer was feeling. He knew he wasn't the most attentive of kings, but he felt as if he would have remembered going over boat designs with Pentious. "Dad, you never told me you were talking with Pentious!" Charlie sounded a little upset. Lucifer blinked.
"This is literally the first time I've seen him, Honeycrisp."
"No, it's not!" Pentious laughed, "I just left you! You were wearing a different outfit, admittedly, but this one is much more your style, your majesty." The realization hit the Devil like a sack full of bricks swung directly into his gut. He made a face of disgust.
"You mean Michael?"
"Riiiiiiiight." Pentious had a large, toothy grin snaked across his face as he gave a playful wink toward Lucifer. "Michael." Lucifer was quick to assure him.
"Right. Michael. We are different people."
"Of course you are, your majesty." Pentious made a show of winking again as he gathered the rooster from off of the Devil's hat. "I understand completely." He bent down and took the other two from his shoes.
"I don't think you do." Lucifer narrowed his eyes at the former Sinner, skeptically. (Honestly, Lucifer didn't even look that much like Michael. The Devil was much better looking. He wore a suit which was far more appropriate for meetings than a stupid sweater vest.)
"Uncle Michael and my dad are two completely different people." Charlie was trying her damndest to help get the point across, but it might have been a lost cause.
"Yes, I see. Two completely different people." Pentious echoed her words without a single ounce of understanding. It was almost incredible.
"I am going to go find Adam." Lucifer was ready to give up on this lost cause. Plus, he was certain Charlie wanted to keep talking to the friend she thought she had lost. "Jezebel, let me in then hold my phone so Charlie can talk with her friend." He needed to focus on his magic and all the noise around him was distracting.
"Yeah, okay, not like I have an actual job to do." Jezebel shrugged her shoulders. She walked further down the street to a house with the golden numbers 6 and 9 on the mailbox and on the front of the house. She walked up to the door, key in hand. The Devil's eyes flickered to the numbers.
"Really?"
"What? It's funny." Jezebel opened the door and Lucifer stepped inside a rather nicely decorated apartment with lots of rather trendy, high-end looking furniture. He was a little shocked by how clean everything looked. There was a portrait on the wall, and old painting of Jezebel, looking much as she did now when she was in her natural form, reddish skin, horns, sharp fangs- only her clothing was much older. There were other, similar looking Hellborns around her and Lucifer assumed that must have been her family. He felt a pang in his stomach as he realized, unlike angels, Hellborns aged- it was slow, but it still happened. Working in Purgatory made Jezebel virtually immortal. Her family was most likely no longer around. He quickly turned his gaze to look elsewhere. He saw a photo, much more recent, on the end table that was of Jezebel and Jazeerael in what looked to be a club. Jazeerael looked vastly out of place, even a little annoyed despite Jezebel's big smile, and Lucifer felt as if he had all but confirmed his suspicion that the two would sneak off and have fun as that background looked suspiciously like one of the many clubs in Hell. "Well, here we are," Jezebel gestured to the pink, plush couch. "Make yourself at home."
"This won't take long, but there is an off chance you may have to do damage control with the souls if they see something unusual." Lucifer took a seat, the couch wasn't bad, actually, kind of comfortable.
"Unusual how?"
"Like a glowing chain." Lucifer handed his phone to the Hell Liner Captain, using his tail so he didn't have to stand. "Golden Delicious, I am going to give the phone to Jezebel so you can keep catching up with Pentious. But I want you and Cain to keep an eye out for the chain from Adam's contract." It was the only guaranteed way to find him. But he didn't want to summon a glowing, magical chain in the middle of Port Gatory's busy streets. For one thing, it would raise all kinds of questions, and for another it was kind of a tripping hazard.
"I will let you know when I find him, dad." Charlie's assurance was sweet, but overall unnecessary as he trusted his daughter more than he trusted himself.
"Come on, I know Pentious is dying to tell you about what he's been working on. He's fun!" Jezebel started talking to Charlie as she took her leave, giving the Devil the peace and quiet he so desperately desired.
He took a deep breath, regaining his focus on the task at hand. He was happy for Charlie. He knew how much the loss of that Sinner had put her through. This reunion, though over the phone, was both long awaited and long deserved. Charlie had her proof. (Although, Pentious ending up in Purgatory again didn't really bode super well for Redemption, but he could keep that thought to himself.) Now, he had to invoke the contract he had made with Adam all those months ago.
He closed his eyes, enjoying the moment of solitude before he opened his palm, face up on his lap. He gathered his energy, making visible the connection he had to the first man. He felt the weight of chains in his hand as he opened his eyes to see the chain was going... up?
He pulled on it, briefly panicked by the idea that Adam had somehow ascended in his brief absence. (What? Did he and Quackers have such a touching fucking friendship that Heaven was willing to overlook everything to let Adam back in? Corruption and all? Was bromance the key to Heaven?) Of course, losing Adam would be a relief, so Lucifer wasn't sure why his heart was pounding the way it was.
He felt his hat shifting on his head and Lucifer blinked. He looked back at the chain in his hand before looking toward where the links were going. He got up and wordlessly walked over toward the hallway. He opened each door until he found a bathroom. He walked right up to the mirror and nearly screamed in frustration as he realized the chain was going into the apple on his hat. The shiny, reflective apple.
There was no fucking way.
Lucifer walked back out into the living room area before grabbing the chain in both hands and pulling as hard as he could. Sure enough, a large, human body came flying out of his hat knocking it right off his head.
"Fuck!" Adam was back in his human form, black and white imagery replaced with pale skin, brown hair, and blue eyes. It would have reminded Lucifer of Eden if the Devil didn't have the overwhelming urge to punch Adam in the face. "Ow."
"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, JACKASS!?" Lucifer could feel the horns bursting from his skull, the flames of his own breath licking his lips as he approached the First Man who immediately tried to jump into the nearest reflective object (which appeared to be a glass table. Lucifer jerked roughly on the chain in his hand and Adam fell backward, failing to reach his refuge. "YOU SLIMY LITTLE STOW AWAY!"
"Fuck fuck fuck!" Adam pulled at the collar on his neck as Lucifer stood over him; tail thrashing through the air, smacking the ground with a loud crack. "How do I get this fucking thing off of me!?"
"Here's the joke, jackass: You don't."
"Shit." Adam reached out a hand, touching one of the glass table's golden legs and starting to work his way inside of it. Body compressing and contorting as it entered the much smaller table leg. Lucifer simply yanked on the chain again and Adam came sliding out.
"What the fuck were you thinking!?"
"You were being weird. I was-" Adam seemed as if he cut himself off. It was like he realized mid-sentence he was saying something he didn't want to. "I was suspicious."
"Suspicious?
"Yeah, you were going to Port Gatory? Alone? With Michael? That sounds like a set up for an assassination if I've ever heard one."
"You thought I was going to kill Michael?"
"Or he was going to kill you. Either way I wanted to be there to make sure no one died. Michael because he's likeable, and you because you still owe me protection. By the way, throwing me on the floor is a shitty way to ensure my safety. I could have broken my beautiful face."
"That's bull fucking shit and you know it." Lucifer wanted to murder Adam's not beautiful face, but since he respected Jezebel enough to not get Corrupted blood all over her nice, clean house, he settled for grabbing a throw pillow and launching it at Adam's head with enough force to knock the First Man back onto his ass when he tried to stand up.
"Ow! You rude mother fucker."
"You stressed Charlie out. You know that, right?"
"I do feel bad about that." Adam rubbed his face where the pillow had struck. Lucifer wasn't entirely sure if Adam was sorry or not. He assumed he wasn't because Adam was a horrible fucking person. "But it's partially your fault because you brought her to the mansion."
"I brought her to keep an eye on you!"
"Right, and it didn't help. So really you stressed her out." Adam picked up the pillow and placed it on the glass table as he tried sitting up again. Lucifer's tail curled around the pillow and threw it right into Adam's face again knocking him back on his ass. "The fuck was that for!?"
"You know exactly what the fuck it's for. You're lucky I don't murder you after that stunt you pulled." Lucifer was glad to see Adam was alive-ish and coherent. It didn't seem as if the First Man was on all fours, foaming at the mouth and trying to bite anything that moved. That was good. But the implications of Adam's stupid, miserable fucking power had just gotten a thousand times worse. Lucifer knew Adam could move from object to object, but the fact that Adam could hide in a moving object and cross barriers opened up an entirely new series of scenarios for the First Man to screw with not just Lucifer but the other realms and the Devil just wasn't ready to analyze all of that potential just yet. He was ready to just write this off as the worst Sinner power he had ever encountered and leave this entire fucking nonsense behind him.
"It worked, didn't it?" Adam sat up, not trying to get to his feet just yet, his eyes carefully focused on the Devil in case another pillow came flying at him.
"That's not a good thing. And you really shouldn't be proud of it. You could have gotten lost forever in Purgatory and I would not come back for you. I would leave you to die because you deserve it. Then you would realize how dumb you acted."
"You don't mean that."
"I absolutely mean that."
"Well, the only way I could have gotten lost is if I left your hat."
"What if my hat got eaten by a Shoggoth?"
"I..." Adam fell quiet for a moment. "Wait, are there Shoggoths out here? Isn't that kind of fucking dangerous for all the unprocessed souls?"
"There are. And it is. Purgatory is dangerous which is why I didn't want you to fucking tag along!" Silence fell for a moment as Lucifer realized his words could carry a bit of a different interpretation. "Because if you die, we'll never know how you got Corrupted." He scoffed, folding his arms, his tail swishing back and forth. "Obviously."
"Obviously."
"But no you just had to fucking tag along because you can't stand the idea of being left alone for a few goddamn hours."
"I didn't know what was going on. I thought you might be in trouble." It was Adam's turn to fall quiet and rethink his own phrasing. "And if you were in trouble, I wanted to be able to point and laugh at you. Obviously."
"Obviously."
"So... you're not in danger?"
"In danger of losing my goddamn mind." Lucifer felt the horns retract has he tried to calm himself. While there weren't a lot of souls out this far, it would still probably not be the best idea for him to walk outside in his full, Devil form. It might just alert the souls to the true nature of the quaint little port town.
"Well, you should have explained yourself then. You being all cryptic and vague is why I decided to tag along. You just need to come out and say shit."
"No, Michael" is the one who is cryptic and vague. It's an Archangel thing." Lucifer was quick to argue. After all, he wasn't the one who was so against blunt honesty that even if it was literally the only way to purge a reality-threatening illness, he would still avoid being blunt. "They're like... allergic to direct answers." Adam gave him a look, his eyes narrowed. Lucifer narrowed his eyes back. (It was funny, he didn't notice it on their first trip, but Adam's blind eye was slightly discolored, despite Purgatory's illusions letting him look the way he did when he was alive. The eye was just slightly cloudy.)
"I guess you never grew out of it either then, huh?"
"I'm not cryptic. I just don't have to tell you shit."
"He said cryptically, avoiding a direct answer." Adam narrated aloud. (He wasn't even a good narrator. If their life was a story, then easily ninety percent of the chapters should have been narrated by Lucifer with maybe one or two chapters from Adam's perspective sprinkled in just to show how dumb he was.)
"We're here for a meeting if you must know." That was about all the information Lucifer felt comfortable giving.
"With the twins?"
"The twins?"
"You know? J and J."
"Jazeerael and Jezebel?" Lucifer knew for a fact that Adam was not on good enough terms with either of the boat captains to be giving them cute little nicknames. "They're not related; you know that right?"
"You sure?"
"Dumbass, they're not even the same species."
"Neither are you and Blue, and you guys are twins." Adam went to go sit on the couch but the chain on his neck was too short. So, he settled for sitting on the floor on the cushion that Lucifer had thrown at his face.
"We're not twins he's a poorly constructed clone. We're not even the same age, you know. I'm way older."
"Yeah, you're fucking older than dirt. But I dunno if that gives you bragging rights here. Hey!" Adam protested as Lucifer pulled the chain again causing him to fall over. "I was comfortable. Why are you being such a dick?"
"Maybe because you replaced yourself with a mirror clone and stowed away in my hat to a mission on which you were not invited?"
"The clone thing was clever though, right?"
"Not really."
"It'll be better when they can talk."
"No."
"Hey," Adam raised up both his hands, looking up at the Devil standing over him, a smirk on his face, "you said it, not me."
"Fuck you." Lucifer used the chain to pull Adam to his feet. He did not love the idea of Adam's mirror clones being able to speak. Almost as much as he hated the realization that Adam had been listening in from the top of his head as he and Michael spoke. Thank fuck neither of them had discussed anything personal (or even the true nature of the trip). "Come on, time to apologize to my daughter." He started dragging Adam out of the house to where Pentious, Jezebel, and the roosters were all gathered around his phone. "Hey bitch!" Lucifer made himself known as he dragged Adam behind him. "Good news, I found Adam. Or maybe that's bad news, I haven't exactly made up my mind on that yet."
"Is he okay?" Charlie was too sweet, giving a shit about the asshole who had given her the runaround all day.
"He's fine. I'll bring him back." Lucifer smiled reassuringly, hoping Charlie could hear the confidence in his voice since she was unable to see his face. One of the roosters flew back over to Lucifer, sitting on his shoulder.
"What's with the chain?"
"It's a sex thing." One of the other roosters answered helpfully.
"What?" Charlie (hopefully) was asking because she had not heard what was said. Lucifer cleared his throat, snatching the phone away.
"I used Adam's deal to pull him out of hiding. He's fine. Everyone's fine. Maybe I'll fire him and hire clone-Adam though. I dunno. At least that guy dusts." He let out a loud, uncomfortable laugh. "ANYWAY, how was talking with Cedric, Jonagold?" The only good to come out of this whole, fucking nightmare was that his daughter had gotten to reunite with the only successfully Redeemed patron of her Hotel. "Feel better?"
"Oh, dad it was incredible! He's okay! He's really okay!" The relief in Charlie's voice was almost infectious. Lucifer felt his heart swell at the thought of the smile that must be on her face at this very moment. He could have been there to see it if Adam hadn't been such a pain in the ass. "Thank you so much for finding him!"
"Of course, anything for you." Lucifer hadn't really found him so much as the talking roosters had just sort of lead Cedric to him, but he would happily take credit for random happenstance if it made his daughter happy.
"Well, since you found Adam, I'll let you go so you can talk with Jezebel more. Thank you again for everything. Bye Sir Pentious! We all miss you!" Charlie raised her voice louder so that she was sure the Sinner-turned-Winner could hear.
"Bye Charlie! Be sure to tell Cherri I said hi!" Pentious hesitated for a moment, his cheeks tinting red before he started to stumble on his words. "I-I mean be sure to tell EVERYBODY I said hello! Greetings ALL AROUND! That's what I say."
"Will do." Charlie seemed to giggle at the reply. "Love you dad." And with that, she hung up the phone. Lucifer put it back in his pocket wondering just how much Adam's stupid shenanigan had drained his battery life. He turned back to the Fallen First Man. He was found, but now here was the matter of him being an unwanted guest.
"We'll have to take you back." Lucifer had no idea how much time remained before their meeting but he did not want Adam there for that part. Worst case scenario, he could drop him off with Jazeerael and make him Heaven's problem for a bit.
"Oh hey!" Pentious seemed to notice Adam at last. "I know you! You murdered me!" Adam blinked, looking at him, head tilted to the side.
"You sure?"
"Yes! You blasted me with your big guitar laser. I was in a blimp! Me and all my henchmen died. It was quite traumatic."
"I... I feel like I would remember that..." Adam looked genuinely unsure, and Lucifer felt the need to step in. He knew that Adam's memory of the final fight was shaky at best, and it was also a major stressor. The LAST thing they needed was Adam getting out of control around a bunch of unprocessed souls.
"He's sorry. Right Adam?" Lucifer pulled slightly on the chain, partially to emphasize his point, partially to make sure Adam wasn't about to lunge and bite. Adam, to his surprise, looked away, almost like he was... ashamed. He folded his arms over his chest, his body language losing all of its snarky confidence and suddenly becoming quite small. The First man spoke rather quietly, avoiding eye contact.
"Y... yeah, sorry."
"It's fine! I'm better now." Pentious seemed to accept the apology with ease and Lucifer suddenly saw how this guy might have gotten into Heaven.
"Lu! There you are!" Michael's voice rang out before Lucifer could finish deciding Adam's fate. "I texted you, but I never heard back. She can meet us a little- why is Adam here?" Michael seemed to finally realize that the Devil was not alone. The bright blue eyes of his human form flickered from Lucifer to Adam, to the chain around his neck. Lucifer let out a loud, long, arduous sigh. He didn't have the energy for a recap.
"Long story."
"I... don't think I want to know." Michael's reply was rather flat as he looked at the chain again. "Anyway," he shook his head, "I didn't think you wanted Adam to come. You know... because of why we're here?"
"Oh, you're right. He is weirdly cryptic." Adam commented as Lucifer debated whether it was worth his time to put tape over his mouth or if that would just be presented as a challenge and make Adam even more insufferable.
"Told you." The Devil looked back to Michael. "No. I didn't want him here. He stowed away because he's co-dependent on me."
"No, I'm not. I just-"
"Anyway," Lucifer cut Adam off. The First Man would realize his speaking privileges were revoked soon enough. "We can take him back to Hell if we have time. If we don't then Jazeerael can babysit, and you can pay him like a thousand heaven bucks or whatever you think is fair." Michael blinked at him uncertainly.
"What are Heaven bucks?"
"Mikey." Lucifer narrowed his eyes at the Archangel who was clearly missing the main point of his rant.
"Oh, right." Michael nodded. "Well, that's actually the reason I texted. You see, I noticed you were upset with waiting. So, I called, and she agreed to come meet us earlier and-" Michael was cut off by a voice in the distance.
"Lucifer! Michael! As I live and don't breathe. I never thought I'd see you two together again." The woman's voice was warm, gentle, and so familiar it almost hurt. Lucifer turned slowly to see the speaker approach. Her long, dark black hair was cascading behind her like a waterfall, decorated with all sorts of flowers. She was dressed in beautiful green that complimented her dark complexion. She was every bit as radiant as the day he first saw her. "This must be something import..." She trailed off as her dark eyes fell on the man beside the Devil. Lucifer glanced up, seeing Adam, staring, dumbstruck, his jaw slack, eyes wide. If the Devil didn't know better, he would have sworn he saw tears forming. The woman had come to a dead stop as if frozen in place. Her voice shook as she started to speak. "A... Adam? Is that you?"
Lucifer could feel Adam shaking. The First Man's mouth closed, he swallowed, then he opened it again. He could barely get the word out of his mouth. The Devil had never heard the First Man's voice so small, so uncertain: "... Evie?"