Review Replies:

jaidenisms1: Thanks for the review! Bringing laughs to the masses is my primary motivation for writing. I like these characters and making Xavier suffer for your amusement, so what more motivation do I need?

Dr. Kocktor: Pfft, beauty treatment! I've never thought of it like that. I just wanted my local gremlin to do something wholesome, and that's what my brain cooked up. Glad you enjoyed it. And yes, oral hygiene is something Xavier will beat into the dragons.

Ah, Cole? He's not a lab guy, so of course he wouldn't know. Don't worry about him, though. He'll be fine after eight hours of sleep, surely. I mean, come on, what could possibly go wrong?

Austin: I mean, I could have put Cole in quarantine, but it's 2024. Would you have really wanted me to trigger the masses' 2020 PTSD? Think of the people, Austin! The shock of all those years of confinement rising to the surface because of my apathy! Do you understand my plight, now? There was no other reason for it. Nope, not even me being so laser-focused I never thought about the realistic outcome, not at all.

You talk about Cynder growing to like baths, but, uh... looks around, then drops voice to whisper (You didn't hear it from me, but she has a good reason for being afraid of water.)

Girls' night out? We'd need a bros' night out to balance it out, but it could work. But the laser pointer‽ You, sir, are evil, lmao. I like that.

Going to a con could be a good way to hide in plain sight. People would have to watch out and not harass them for their hyper-realistic costumes, though. It might get violent, just a teensy, weeny bit violent. And that Sparx omake is something I will have to steal. You've made me think of something devious.

I've noted your other suggestions. Thanks a bunch. ...Oh, I'm getting sent into the mines again? sigh I'm never escaping the miner allegations, man...

Linkuser2: Thank you! And yes, I do enjoy what I write. I wouldn't be writing this story otherwise, would I? ;P

P-plot? I don't see what you're talking about. This is a non-serialized comedy fic. There is no place for serious moments. Get that silly idea out of your head!

The extra bits are an idea I stole from the mangas Fullmetal Alchemist and Mob Psycho 100. The omakes are a neat way for me to showcase jokes and content that can't make it into the main fic. It's an anti-plot bunny device that also keeps the pacing from grinding to a halt — the best of both worlds!

For a nickel and a bag of Cheetos? Add a pack of gum, and I'll consider spilling the beans. Deal?

Liam198: Huh. I know of Fwood, but I haven't read any of his stories, actually. Let's chalk it up to a happy coincidence. Either way, I'm glad to know I have your attention. I already have written plans for how Spyro and Cynder will interact with the Great Outdoors™ and its populace, and while the dragons' friends could visit, I haven't planned for it. We'll see.

Damn, already throwing your shots, ay? I hope you're a patient lad because I will let the story prove you right or wrong. ;)

Chapter 4 - This Won't Turn into a Bower Fantasy, Right?

...

"You know, Cynder, next time you want to vandalize the house, you could ask first," Xavier said with a raised eyebrow, arms crossed as he rested against the wall.

Everyone had come to chill in the basement at the black dragoness' request. The room was large and rectangular, equipped with a big TV on the wall, a table below it holding video game consoles and games, and two couches in an L shape across from it. A carpet normally completed the décor, but Cynder requested that they remove it. Afterward, she started etching along the floor with a piece of chalk.

Xavier grew suspicious as her work neared completion. If he had known this was where her request for those items would lead, he would've thought twice before accepting. I was joking about the whole 'summoning a demon' thing, but if this isn't a sacrificial ritual circle, I don't know what it is.

Cynder snorted. "Actually, I live here, so technically, this isn't vandalism. I'm simply 'redecorating.' " She flashed a smirk before getting back to her work.

The boy rolled his eyes but said nothing else. Cécile, on the other hand, was buzzing with excitement. From the beginning, she watched Cynder work and barraged her with questions about every little mark she left. The black dragoness was happy to answer but politely told her to back off once her questions started impeding her focus.

The circle Cynder was sketching had an interesting design. It had an outer ring, subdivided into fourteen subsections, each containing a symbol: twelve for each respective element and the last two for arcane and druid magic. In the middle of the ring rested an infinity symbol nested in a twin hexagon (one of which was rotated so that its corners passed over the other's sides), which Cynder had explained represented the cycle of mana.

Spyro, who sat on the couch, had his own thoughts to add to it. "Mana flows through all life. We are born within it, moulded by it, and once we pass on, we return to it and become one with our element. So, in a sense, we never truly die."

After saying that, the purple dragon took on a solemn look. It was gone after a moment, but it was enough to perplex Xavier. Oh. Oh no. Spyro hasn't given much detail about the war in his homeland, but he must have been through a lot…

Cynder finished tracing the last mark. "Alright, it's finished."

"Awesome!" Cécile jumped from the couch, hyperactive. "Let's get this started already!"

"No."

Groaning, she stomped her foot on the ground. "Come on, what's the holdup? You're killing me here!"

"A nexus circle is only one of the steps required for a successful communing. In order to facilitate communication with the Ancestors, we need to set the right atmosphere. This is where the candles and incense come in." She rummaged through a nearby plastic bag and fished them out. She placed a candle on each corner of the hexagons, then turned to the purple dragon. "Spyro, do you mind lighting them up for me?"

"Not at all." He hopped from the couch, crouched low to the ground as he approached a candle, and breathed in.

"Uh, yeah, how about we don't do that?" Xavier said, grimacing. "Spyro, I'm sure you have great control of your fire breathing, but I'd prefer to avoid taking unnecessary risks." He produced a lighter from his pocket. "I'll take care of the candles."

"Oh." Spyro sulked, heartbroken. "You're saying I'm replaceable, is that it?"

Cynder walked to his side and wrapped a wing around him. "It's okay, Spyro. I can see you for your true worth. Unlike what some people might think." She gave Xavier a stink eye.

He scoffed. "Whatever." Soon, the torches were all lit, casting their light onto the nexus circle.

"While you're at it, could you burn the incense too?"

Xavier showed his palm expectantly. "That will be five dollars."

She cocked her hed. "Huh? Dollars?"

"It's our currency."

Cynder cringed. "Oh. I'm sort of…broke. Put it on Cécile's tab."

"What?" Cécile cried.

"Oi, we're doing this for you." The black dragoness stuck her tongue out. "You should have expected something like this."

Cécile couldn't have looked unhappier. Pouting, she crossed her arms. "Urgh, fine! I'll pay you back later or something. Now get to it! I want my magic assessment yesterday!"

What a gremlin. Xavier thought with a dull expression. Nevertheless, he prepared the incense inside its burner. Once it got smoking, a lavender smell wafted through the air. "Anything specific I need to say before spreading it?"

Cynder shook her head. "Just circle around the ring a few times, and it should be fine."

He nodded and did as Cynder asked, muttering prayers under his breath. A little insurance couldn't hurt, right?

"Excellent. CC, you come with me. The rest, you stand back."

Cécile threw her hands in the air. "Finalement!"

Xavier sighed. La joie de ta vie, n'est-ce pas?

He and Spyro stood back while Cynder led Cécile inside the inner ring. They sat down, one person in each "circle" of the infinity symbol. Cécile was cross-legged while Cynder was on her rump.

"Okay. Now give me your hand, and we can get started," the latter said.

The girl did as instructed. Cynder took her hand in her paws and closed her eyes.

She opened them, shooting Cécile a worried frown. "I forgot to mention. This could get intense. Are you sure you're up for it?"

"Pfft. I can handle it just fine!" she replied, smirking.

"Alright…" Cynder closed her eyes.

For a while, nothing happened apart from Cécile's restless fidgeting. Xavier couldn't help but feel underwhelmed. Wasn't this the part where the symbols all lit up, and the room started spinning as the background faded away to reveal an endless expanse of stars or something? Perhaps it was happening from Cécile's point of view?

Beat.

Have I been watching too many movies? Xavier wondered gloomily.

Cynder's face scrunched up. "Cécile, just so you know, your fidgeting isn't helping my focus."

She gave a timid smile. "Sorry, sorry. Je t'arrange ça tout de suite." She stiffened up and remained still.

A focused exhale came out of Cynder's lips as her face relaxed. After a few moments, her eyes snapped open. However, the pupils were gone, and mist exuded from the edge of her eyes. Cécile let out a surprised gasp and tried to back up, but Cynder held her back. "Hold still."

The black dragoness' piercing gaze scanned Cécile up and down, who whimpered and averted her gaze as best she could. Cynder frowned. "Look into my eyes, CC."

"Do I have to?"

"Yes. You said you could handle it, right?"

Gulping, Cécile did as instructed and trembled as she and Cynder locked eyes for a good fifteen seconds — yes, Xavier counted — before the latter tore her gaze away with repeated blinks. She brought a paw to her head, grimacing. "Urgh, killer headache…"

Cécile let out a huge breath. She practically clawed her way out of the circle and retreated to the couch, gasping for air. "Please tell me I never have to do something like that ever again!" She shivered. "Well, what about the results? What magic can I use?"

Cynder hesitated. "Before I tell you, there's something I need to confirm. Xavy, mind taking CC's place?"

The question flummoxed him. "What? But I never asked for a divination séance."

"I know, but it's related to CC. Please?"

Xavier hummed. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? If it turns out I can use magic, that would be cool. Firing a Kamehameha or going Super Saiyan could be in reach! Then again, all that power would be a lot of responsibility. Could I even be trusted with it? Arrgh. If he kept this up, he'd get a headache. "Fine."

He walked into the nexus circle and took Cécile's spot. Cynder took his hand in her paws, and Xavier noticed something odd. "Wait a sec, you have thumbs?" How did I never notice? It's been like two weeks!

The black dragoness frowned. "Of course I do. Why?"

"Well, you know, I just sort of assumed you would have more…beast-like paws." He averted his gaze, awkwardness oozing from his expression.

Cynder gave him a dull look. "Oh, but I'm the racist one, obviously."

He sighed. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? Let's just get this over with."

"Sure."

She gently pressed his hand between her paws and closed her eyes. A prickling sensation soon spread through Xavier's hand, and a chill ran up his arm, eliciting shivers from his body. Fear gripped Xavier's heart. Is this normal? I don't think this is normal. Yet Cécile went through it, and she was fine. I'm sure I'm worrying over nothing, yeah.

Cynder's eyes opened, and Xavier jolted. Her eyes were an empty, white void that seemed to stare right through him. His fight-or-flight instincts screamed at him to hightail it out of there. So this is what Cécile had to deal with.

Gulping, the boy steeled himself as Cynder scanned him up and down. He wasn't about to show fear, especially not in front of his little sister! He wouldn't be able to lord it over her otherwise.

Cynder's gaze crossed his. He felt himself getting sucked in. Time seemed to slow down to a standstill. There was nothing in those empty eyes of hers, just a vast, white abyss, an abyss that beckoned him like a forbidden fruit. Xavier lost touch with reality, trapped in a limbo where his existence was paralyzed, doomed to an eternity of catatonia.

After a lifetime of agony, Cynder tore her eyes away. Xavier gasped in a colossal breath. He patted himself over. I'm alive. I'm whole. His free hand went to his chest, over his thundering heart. Damn, that was terrifying! At least I can cross 'have a near-death experience' off my bucket list.

"Welp, that confirms it," Cynder said as she rubbed her forehead, trying to stifle a groan.

"What confirms what?" Cécile asked. "C'mon, answer me! Stop being so cryptic already!" She stomped the ground repeatedly.

Huffing, the black dragoness got up, padded out of the nexus circle, and hopped onto the couch. She took her sweet time making herself comfortable, which infuriated Cécile to new heights. When she was done, she yawned. "Basically, I have currently no idea if either of you can harness any type of magic."

Cécile's mouth dropped agape in shock. "What! How come?"

"I was getting to that. The problem is that the mana concentration in your bodies is too low for me to make out anything." She rubbed her temples. "Which is weird because I can feel mana flowing through the air, grass, and trees in the backyard, so it's not like your world lacks mana."

Xavier crossed his arms, humming. Right, the lifeforce that flows through all living things or whatever. If that was how dragons and other races operated in the Dragon Realms, could it be possible that humans operated on different rules?

Eeehh. If we assume yes, that would complicate things. It's better to assume we're similar up to a point, if not purely for the sake of the argument. "Wait, isn't that what's linked to our affinity to magic?"

Cynder waved a paw dismissively. "Oh, no, mana concentration and magic affinity are different things. The former is related to your lifeforce; the latter is related to your ability to connect with the primal forces of magic."

"And what does lifeforce do for me?"

She brought a paw to her chin thoughtfully. "It's like a different type of strength. Physical strength is how potent your physicality is. Lifeforce is how potently you can use your physicality."

Xavier's shoulders sagged. "So what you're saying is that you could absolutely clap me in a fight with your front paws tied together."

"Pretty much." She stuck her tongue out. "But anyway, if you absorb enough mana, it could spark your magical abilities to manifest. Or reveal that you don't have affinity to any primal forces. The latter type of species possesses stronger lifeforce to compensate. We call them berserkers."

"Okay, and how do I absorb mana into my body?" Cécile asked, her feet drumming against the floor restlessly.

Cynder gave her an amused look. "You're already doing it." She put a paw on her chest. "Magically attuned creatures such as myself and Spyro release the excess mana we produce into the atmosphere. Stick around us for a while, and something is bound to happen."

Cécile wrapped her arms around Spyro snugly. "Am I doing it right?"

The purple dragon melted into the hug. "I don't mind this. It feels nice."

"Hugging Spyro won't make it go any faster. It could take days, weeks, or even months for an awakening to occur." Cynder gave a deranged grin. "Now unhand him before I execute you for treason."

The black dragoness shivered as Xavier's glare drilled into her back. "Execute who now?"

She turned around, gesticulating frantically with her paws. "It was just a joke, a bit of tomfoolery! Calm down, relax! No need to be so hostile, Xavy!"

"Hmph. It had better be." Only Xavier could hurt Cécile. And he only did so emotionally.

Cécile released Spyro and slumped, depressed. "Aw, man. And here I thought I could speed up my eventual dragon transformation."

Spyro quirked an eye ridge. "Huh? Your what?"

"You know, my dragon transformation. Isn't that what Cynder meant by 'awakening'?"

Cynder blinked multiple times, befuddled. "What? Of course not! What made you think that?"

Cécile scratched the side of her face, looking sheepish. "You were the one talking about absorbing your mana juices. I just assumed it would, you know, release my inner dragon?"

The black dragoness gave her a look. "Cécile, I hate to break it to you, but that isn't happening. Ever."

Shocked, the girl fell back on the couch and buried her head under her hands, bringing her knees close to her chest. "My dreams. My fantasies. Shattered into a million pieces…"

Spyro hopped beside her and nudged her with his snout. "Come on, chin up. Magic isn't all it's cracked up to be, honestly."

"Says the guy who can spit fire from his maw."

"Actually, I can do much more than that."

Cécile's depression multiplied tenfold.

Spyro made a face. "Ah."

Xavier sighed. "Don't worry. She's just being melodramatic. Now, if we're finished here, let's clean everything up. Are you all up for a movie binge?"

The dragons cheered in reply. Cécile remained moody.

I hope this will quell your fears. The story is in good hands. i won't let it degrade into a wish fulfilment/power fantasy fic. I have more integrity than that (unless it's funny). Help me fight against mediocrity by dropping a favourite, follow, and review. The feedback will energize me and let me write even better stuff.

I am, of course, telling no lie. Showing your enjoyment of the story injects dopamine straight into my veins.

As always, thank you to the amazing Linkuser2 for being my beta-reader! Check out his story, Daybreak, after this. He's cooking a fine story.

That's all from me. See you guys in a fortnight!

Author-san, signing out.

Spyro & Cynder, Food Critiques Extraordinaire! — Episode 2

...

"I don't believe you. There is no way your so-called 'ice cream' tastes like magic," Cynder said with narrowed eyes.

Spyro frowned. "I'm more concerned with how you've made ice edible. Isn't it just frozen water?"

Xavier retrieved the ice cream from the fridge and glared at the table where the dragons and Cécile were sitting. "Save your yapping for after you've taken a bite." He brought the ice cream and four bowls and spoons to the table. He served the dragons healthy portions of the delectable goodness, and they thanked him for it. To Cécile, Xavier gave a a minuscule portion of ice cream. "And here you go."

She scowled and gestured to the bowl. "What is this! Give me a proper portion!"

He rolled his eyes. "Sheesh, I can never please this gremlin." He filled the bowl with additional scoops of ice cream. "Is it fine now, princess?"

"Hmph!" She snatched her bowl and began eating. Her annoyance melted into delight, and she sighed in bliss. "Butterscotch does not ever miss."

Spyro grabbed his spoon and took a bite. "Wow. It's good! Chilly, but it's soft, melts on your tongue, and leaves a sweet aftertaste."

"I'm surprised you're actually using a spoon, this time," Xavier said as he served himself a portion of ice cream.

The purple dragon frowned, looking offended. "What, is that wrong? Should I never have taken a liking to utensils?"

"What? No, I'm happy with this new you—"

"Too bad!" Spyro ditched his spoon and dunked his head into his bowl, devouring his food like a starving pig. Melted, white cream smeared his snout as he pulled his head back, grimacing. His paw flew to his head. "Ah, my head hurts!"

Cécile couldn't stop snickering. Cynder looked at him with disgust. Xavier gave Spyro a dull look. "And look where that got you."

Cynder grabbed her spoon. "Here goes nothing." She ate a spoonful of ice cream.

Her expression lit up, eyes sparkling like gemstones. "This stuff is fantastic!"

Xavier shrugged, full of himself. "Told you so. Now, don't do what Spyro did, and take your time savouring your—"

Cynder's bowl was already empty as she wiped her mouth with a napkin.

Xavier was befuddled. "How."

"Perks of being a dragon."

He grimaced. "You're going to regret it."

She cocked her head. "What do you mean?"

"Just give it a minute."

Soon, the black dragoness began shivering. She sniffed, teeth chattering. "I-is it just me, or is it a little cold in here?"

Suddenly, her body froze solid.

"And there it is." Xavier sighed, wiping his hand down his face.

Spyro & Cynder's First Time — Receiving Pets

...

Cécile joined her hands together. "Come on! Let me pet you, pretty, pretty, pretty please?"

Cynder groaned. "If we say yes, will you stop pestering us about it?"

"If you agree to it, you won't regret it, I promise!" she said, beaming.

Cynder sighed. "Fine. We can have Spyro be your guinea pig."

The purple dragon quirked an eyebrow. "We? What is this 'we' you're talking about, Nintendo Wii? I can speak for myself, thank you very much."

"Come on, Spyro, don't be like that." She gave a pouty face. "Can't you see that a dragon of my stature has a reputation to maintain?"

His expression dropped flat. "But a dragon of mine doesn't?"

Cynder waved her paw dismissively. "I mean, you've gone through plenty of weird things! This would just be one more for the collection."

"I think you're just scared you'll enjoy being pampered," Spyro said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

She hissed. "I am a dragon. I don't need pampering. I thrive off the fear I strike in the hearts of my enemies. They don't call me ex-Terror for nothing!"

Spyro rolled his eyes. "Suuuure thing." He walked and plopped down in front of Cécile, sucking a sharp breath as he steeled himself. "Let's get this thing over with."

Cécile squealed and brought her hand to his head. Spyro winced in anticipation but relaxed as she began gently rubbing his noggin. "Hey, this is actually kind of nice."

She scratched the underside of his jaw, making him loll his tongue out and pant. He rolled onto his stomach, and Cécile kneeled on the floor to rub his belly. It felt heavenly. "Oh yeah, that hits the spot…"

Seeing this, Cynder stomped the ground with indignation. "Oi, wait a second — I want in on the action!"

"Oh, I'm sooorry, didn't you have a reputation to maintain?" Spyro asked.

"That was then and this is now. Besides, we're in a different realm. Different realms require different customs to follow."

The purple dragon yawned in sheer relaxation. "Well, that's too bad. There's two of us but only one Cécile."

Cécile giggled. "There's no need to be jealous, Cyn. You'll have your turn later." She smirked. "Besides, I told you you wouldn't regret it, but you didn't want to believe me."

The black dragoness pouted and grumbled her discontent.

It says-eth "the Bibble"

...

"By the way, Xavier, what are those statues about?" Spyro asked, jerking his head toward the statues in question. One depicted a woman in white robes, her hands joined together in prayer. The other one depicted a humanoid, winged figure, sword in one hand and scale in the other, as he crushed the head of another humanoid figure.

Spyro, Cynder, and Xavier were in the living room. The former of the three had spotted the statues resting in the corner of the room, on a stand right of the TV.

"Oh, the first one depicts Mother Mary. The second one depicts Saint Micheal the Archangel clapping Lucifer's dummy self out of Heaven," Xavier replied.

"Have those statues always been here?" Cynder asked.

"Of course they have." Xavier shook his head, smirking. "Frankly, I'm surprised it took you this long to notice it."

"No, I'm sure it wasn't here before. I've passed through the living room countless times and never noticed these statues."

"You're legally blind, Cyn. We'll get you a prescription later."

Cynder growled in frustration. "No, I'm not! Spyro, back me up, here! I'm right, aren't I?"

Spyro looked away, waving his paw dismissively. "Ah, you know, maybe it's something to do with the lighting. It just bounced off the statue and hid it from your sight, you know?"

"I will trounce you, purple dork," she said, eyes narrowed. "Pick your next words carefully."

Gulping, Spyro turned to Xavier. "So, what did this Lucifer guy do to get kicked out of this 'Heaven'?"

Xavier smiled. "Ah, for that, we need to start at the very beginning." He produced a Bible and opened it. An aura flared up around him, and the dragons had to anchor down to not get blown away by the whirlwind of energy it released. The room began to shake as reality broke apart, Xavier's voice becoming bass-boosted as he began reading.

One eternity later…

Xavier looked up from the Bible as he closed it, beaming. "And thus concludes the history of the Bible! Did you find it enlightening?"

The jaw from Spyro's skeleton detached itself and fell to the floor.

Cynder's skeleton crumpled in a heap.

"Excellent. Study up. There will be a test on Friday." He made his way out of the room as he spoke.

Oh, yeah, Xavier's family is Christian. Did I forget to mention that? My bad.