Chapter 4 – The Otaku's Guilty Conscious
Kyoko's POV
I haven't really slept much since Akari's injury three days ago. The image of her blood-red eye leaking all over the floor as she laid there unconscious still haunts my mind. And what's making it worse is that I'm the one who caused it. I was supposed to take those toys home ages ago. But due to my idiotic brain cells, they just sat there time and time again…eventually causing Akari to lose an eye.
"An eye…A FREAKING EYE! ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS LOST AN EYE AND IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!" I suddenly yelled to no one while laying on my bed in my room.
…
Although…can I really call Akari my best friend? Now that I think about it more, I have been treating her like crap lately. I really took the "no presence" thing into overdrive.
Leaving her behind, forgetting that she's even in the room, making fun of her by saying she has the power to turn invisible…
Which is why I knew she was lying when she said that she didn't hate me for what's happened to her. I could tell from her gloomy purple eyes that not only did she hated me, but she also hated herself. For believing in such a "happy-go-lucky schoolgirl life" and how it could never go wrong.
…
And I had to go and blindly ruin it for her.
I really am hopeless...
I looked at the clock next to my bed and it read 10:52 am. I've only gotten about 3 hours of sleep today. As my mind has been swarming with thoughts of self-hatred most of the night.
The causes of these thoughts were the crap ton of anime figurines surrounding my room. With most of them having two things in common.
Number 1 was that they all had something to do with Mirakurun.
The other thing was…they all had sharp, pointy objects somewhere on them. Whether it was a weapon or a hat or an accessory...they all looked painfully sharp.
I don't think I could handle having another person lose a body part...or even worse their life...because of my stupid hobby...
It was right then and there I decided on something. Something I thought I would never do...but after what happened to Akari, I couldn't take any chances with it.
I went down to the basement of my house and grabbed an empty box sitting next to one of the boilers. I then brought it upstairs to my room and closed the door behind me. After setting the box down on my bed, I grabbed every last toy I saw and threw it in the box. Some were limited editions and extremely rare...but I didn't give a damn. Everything went in there. With little care for even the most fragile of figures.
And while I was grabbing the last one, I noticed the piles of doujinshi on my desk that I often work on. As I stared at them, another thought came to mind.
If I keep making these, it's just gonna remind me of the toys. Then I'll end up buying them again and the whole cycle will no doubt continue! I'm getting rid of these, too!
I grabbed all the doujinshi on the desk and stuffed them in the box. After doing that, I looked around my room. Staring at the posters and stickers plastered all over the walls. The same feeling of guilt and self-hatred came up again...and there was only one way to get rid of it.
"Y...Y...Y-You know what?! Screw it! These things are coming down, too! Everything's coming down! I'm quitting this whole damn thing! This God-forsaken hobby of mine nearly killed my childhood friend! I'm not going to partake in this crap anymore!"
I stood on my bed and took down all the posters and stickers that were there. Then grabbed a stool to take down the rest. Ripping every last one of them to pieces as I went completely insane.
Destroy it...destroy it all! All of this crap led to Akari nearly losing her life! I REFUSE TO KEEP ANY OF IT ANYMORE!
Still feeling the hatred for myself, I grabbed the doujinshi from the box...MY doujinshi that I've spent MONTHS working on and even got the others to help me with...and ripped it all into bite-sized pieces.
But it didn't work. I was still going mentally insane with the cruel guilt I felt from nearly ending Akari's existence. It was rushing all over my body at this point. I couldn't stop hating myself.
It was then that I went back downstairs to the kitchen and grabbed the hammer from the toolbox. I ran back upstairs to my room, closed the door behind me, and stared at the box filled with my anime toys. I then proceeded to smash every last one of them. One by one. Obliterating them to smithereens. Crying hard tears and yelling at the top of my lungs as I completely destroyed the collection that I had spent YEARS growing. Not giving a rat's ass about what each of them was worth.
And when it came to one last Mirakurun figurine, I only had this to say to it:
"Mirakurun...fucking Mirakurun...I hate you. I fucking hate you!"
I then threw the figurine at the wall. Shattering it to pieces. Then cried full hard tears until I ended up falling asleep on the floor.
Still hating myself for what I've done.
"Kyoko…Kyoko…"
"sleepy moan* Five more minutes, Mom. Just…please…"
"What? Kyoko, wake up already!"
"H-Huh?! Wh-Wha?!" I shot up from my deep sleep while running one of my eyes from the bright light in my face. When that stopped…I realized that several things were…off.
For one, I was in the clubroom. Which was weird because I remembered being home when I fell asleep.
Next, I was in my uniform. I was wearing a t-shirt and shorts earlier. So, I'm not really sure how or when I changed into my uniform.
And third, Yui was there. Standing over me with a sad look on her face. It even looked like she was crying recently. And I KNOW Yui. She rarely cries. If ever.
None of this was making any sense…
"Y-Yui? What's going on? Why am I at the clubroom?"
"Kyoko…don't play these stupid games now. Nobody here is in the mood." Yui replied with a slightly pissed-off look.
Not in the mood? Well, I'll admit…that's a normal response to come from Yui. But the way she said it…it still felt off…
"Just hurry up and get ready. We're going to be late."
"Late? Late for what? Today's Sunday. There's no school."
"Quit it, already. Don't make me…*sniff* d-don't make me say it." Yui then started showing tears running down her face. A rare and weird sight to see.
"Say what, Yui? What's going on?"
Yui didn't answer. Instead, she glared at me with a look of anger and pure hatred. All while still having fresh tears dripping down.
It was…truly scary.
"Oh…I see now. As if you would give a damn about what today is. Your hopeless ass never cared about anything that didn't benefit you! Why the hell did I think today would be any different?!"
"Y-Yui…wh-what are you…"
I was interrupted when Yui slammed a piece of paper in my face. Causing me to fall over backward. After removing the paper, I saw her storming out of the clubroom. Stopping at the door and looking back at me with her teary-eyed angry-as-hell glare.
"Burn in Hell, Kyoko Toshinio!"
This was the last thing she said to me before slamming the door hard. Leaving me confused, scared, and hurt as to why she said that.
Something is definitely not right…
"What is going on?" I asked myself as I picked up the paper from the floor. Since it was thrown at my face, I figured it would help me understand what Yui was talking about.
But what I saw…only made me feel worse.
"I-In loving memory…o-of Akari Akaza?! July 24th, 1992 – June 16th, 2005?! Wh-What the hell?!"
I looked over the piece of paper several times more. Hoping that my still sleepy eyes were playing tricks on me.
…
But…they weren't. What was in my hands was an obituary template. And the picture placed dead center was that of Akari. Detailing everything about her…her…h-her funeral.
N-No…N-No, this can't be! Akari can't be dead! I was talking to her yesterday! THERE'S NO WAY SHE'S DEAD!
As I continued staring at the template in disbelief, the other two clubroom doors began opening on their own. It creeped me out…but I figured that I could finally see if all of this was true. So, I decided to head towards the bright light that emulated from the two doors.
And then all of a sudden…I was in the gym. It was decorated with flowers and ribbons, chairs all over the place, a casket at the end of the aisle…it was definitely the setting for a funeral. The atmosphere was too gloomy for it to be anything else.
Speaking of "gloomy atmosphere", everyone there had a sad look on their faces. Yui, Ayano, Chinatsu, Himawari…hell, even Chitose had one. And she rarely gets sad.
"H-Hey…wh-what's going on?" I spoke. Gaining the attention of everyone there…but not a single person was happy to see me.
"Oh…look who actually bothered to show up." Yui said.
"You've got a lot of nerve to show your face here, Kyoko." Chinatsu said.
"Why is she even here?!" Aoi yelled. "I thought we agreed to abandon her selfish ass!"
"It's my fault." Yui answered. "I thought I could get her at least care a little about Akari. But unfortunately, I was wrong."
"*sigh* I really do pity you, Toshinio Kyoko…" Ayano said.
"G-Guys, what are you talking about? Of course, I care about Akari. She's my best frie-"
*POW*
"DON'T YOU DARE SAY THOSE WORDS! YOU FUCKING BITCH!" I was interrupted when Sakurako came and punched me hard in the face. Yelling and screaming at me as I fell to the floor in pain.
"Ow…what was that for?! I didn't even do anything!"
"Didn't do anything? DIDN'T DO ANYTHING?! WELL, LET ME REMIND YOU WHAT YOU DID! YOU HOPELESS PIECE OF…"
"Sakurako, stop! Not here, please!" Himawari yelled as she held Sakurako back from attacking me again.
While on the ground, I was able to see the black casket with flowers and a picture frame of Akari resting on top of it. With Akane, Rise, and Akari's parents crying hard over it. Moring the loss of their sister/daughter/…a-actually…I don't know why Rise was there. The two of them weren't that close, were they?
"Akari…is that really her over there?" I mumbled to myself as I slowly got up and made my way closer to the casket.
"Woah, woah! Where do you think you're going?!" Yui yelled as she grabbed me by the collar.
"I-I…I-I wanna see Akari…"
"SEE Akari?! For what?! So, you could make fun of her some more?! As if we're letting you do that, you murderer!"
"M-Murderer?!"
"You killed Akari!" Chinatsu yelled with a teary-eyed face. "You should be in jail for what you did!"
"B-But I…B-But I didn't kill her! I-It was an accident! I swear!"
"Bullshit! We all know what you did, you murderer!" Sakurako shouted.
"Murderer!"
"Murderer!"
"Murderer!"
"Murderer!"
Everyone surrounded me as they each kept shouting "murderer" straight to my face. It was terrifying. Nightmare-ish, even. All of my friends had suddenly turned against me. Calling me a murderer for killing Akari.
But…she can't be dead. I know she's not dead! I just saw her! She just can't be dead!
"Kyoko~…"
Wh-What?
I looked over towards the casket were the four people that were crying were no longer there. It was then that a hand came out. And soon revealed Akari's rotting corpse. Skin peeling, bones showing, and there was a HUGE hole where her left eye used to be. Replaced with simply nothing.
Wh-What the hell…?!
"Kyoko~…you killed me, Kyoko~…I'm dead because of you~…"
"A-Akari…n-no…it's not true! I didn't kill you! It was an accident!"
"Liar~…you hated me~…you wanted to kill me~…my death was the happiest moment of your life~…"
"Wh-What are you talking about?! We're best friends! We've known each other since childhood! I never hated you!
…
I…I-I love you!"
"Liar~…you hated me~…the universe hated me~…you teamed up with it~…and found a way to kill me~…
You're a murderer~…Kyoko Toshinio~…"
"Murderer!"
"Murderer!"
"You killed Akari!"
"You're a goddamn murderer!"
The shouting became louder and more aggressive. Everyone there looked like they wanted to murder me as a way to avenge Akari's death. I was scared out of my mind and tearing up hard. Surrounded by people who hated me…the dead corpse of my best friend…all calling me a murderer…wanting to end my life right here and now.
I had no idea what was going on. I was too scared to move or think. All I could really do at this moment…was cry.
"Murderer!"
"Murderer!"
"Murderer!"
"Murderer!"
"MURDERERRRRRRRRR!"
"N-No…I-I didn't do it! I didn't kill Akari! I'M NOT A MURDERER!"
"*terrified scream* I DIDN'T KILL HERRRRRRR!"
…
…
…
"H-Huh? Wh-Wha…?" I sat there confused as I realized I was back in my room. With torn paper and shattered glass still scattered all over.
W-Was all of that…a dream?
*KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK*
"Kyoko? Are you okay? I heard you scream." My mom asked as she came to check up on me.
…
But I didn't answer. I stayed silent as I was still confused as to what just happened. Looking around my still messy room.
"Kyoko?" Mom then opened the door to see the state of my room. Normally, she would be in a raging fit due to how it's always like this. But this time...she just stood there in shock. "W-Woah...S-Sweetie, what happened in here?"
"These…These are the remains of my Mirakurun collection. I destroyed it all. With no remorse for any of it."
"A-All of it? S-So, the posters and stickers?"
"Destroyed them."
"A-And that pile of drawings you're always working on?"
"Destroyed them."
"E-Even the figurines that you spent your money on?"
"Shattered them all to pieces. And with that hammer, too."
"B-But what would make you do that?"
...
...
...
"Kyoko?"
Once again, I didn't answer. Instead…I got up from the floor, walked over to Mom, and wrapped my arms around her in a tight hug.
All while whispering in a scared sad tone:
"Mom…I-I'm a murderer."
"Wh-What?"
"I-I'm a murderer."
"K-Kyoko, what are you talking abo-"
"I-I'm a murderer, Mom! I'm a murderer, I'm a murderer, I'M A MURDERER! WAAAAAAAAAA!"
It took nearly 20 minutes for me to calm down from my random breakdown. Throughout that entire time, Mom held me in a hug so tight that I could barely breathe.
So, I guess this is what Chinastu feels every time I hug her, huh?
"Are you feeling better now, Sweetie?" Mom asked.
"*sniff* Y-Yeah…thanks for staying with me, Mom."
"I'm your mother, Kyoko. I wouldn't be a good one if I didn't."
"Hehheh…yeah."
If only Daddy was more like you…
"So…what were you talking about earlier? About being a murderer?"
"O-Oh. That. Well…I had this dream. A-Akari was dead…a-and everyone blamed me for it. C-Calling me a murderer. It was so traumatizing…th-that I guess I started believing it."
"But Akari isn't dead."
"I-I know, but…th-that dream…it felt all too real, and…"
I clung onto Mom again as I felt more tears forming in my eyes. And her response was to rub my head until I felt better again.
"Sweetie…does this have to do with Akari's injury a few days ago?" She asked.
"W-Well *sniff*…I-I guess."
"Kyoko…I'm pretty sure most of your friends have told you this already, but it's not your fault this happened."
"Not my fault? B-But, Mom…i-it is my fault. Sh-She was stabbed in the eye with MY toy…that I was supposed to bring home *sniff* m-m-months ago…but never bothered to do it because of my selfish scatterbrained self…"
I stopped talking for a bit to wipe the tears from my red and puffy eyes as I tried to calm down a little.
"A-And now...*sniff*…A-And now because of me, Akari only has one eye. A-And is going through severe depression because of it."
"Depression?"
"I-I went to her house with Yui and Chinastu yesterday. Sh-She was falling off the bed and bumping into walls...a-and then she said something that really scared me."
"What did she say?"
I stuttered for a bit as I began to remember the dark depressing words Akari said to us all. But then I took a small breath and looked back at Mom with a tearful look on my face.
"Sh-She said that the injury...w-was the universe's way of saying "take a hint.". A-And that she was okay with it."
"O-Oh. Wow. Th-That's…dark." Mom was just as disturbed as I was when I first heard that.
"I-I'm scared, Mom. Wh-What if Akari decides to kill herself? Wh-What if everyone does start to hate me because I caused this? I-I'll be…I-I'll be known as the girl who drove her friend to suicide! I-I wouldn't be able to live with myself if that happens! I-I wouldn't want to LIVE if that happens! Just the thought of that dream becoming a reality is making me consider ending it all!"
"Kyoko, please! Calm down! Now you're starting to scare me!"
...
...
...
"S...Sorry, Mom." I apologized after calming down again.
"Good. Now, about that dream…I'm no psychiatrist, but it sounds like all of this guilt you're feeling triggered some kind of mental trauma. Maybe it would be best if you talked to someone about this."
"Y-You mean like…therapy?"
"Something like that."
I wasn't fully on board with the idea, at first. Talking to someone about my feelings was something I'd never done before. Not even back when I was a shy little girl.
But that dream…it was the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced. My body was still shaking…and both of my eyes were so red and puffy that I could barely see out of them. I clearly needed help. More than what my friends, my mom, and even myself can give right now.
First time admitting to that, too…
"O-Okay, Mom. I-I'll go." I said.
"You're doing the right thing, Kyoko." Mom said while petting my long messed-up hair. "Now...how about you go back to bed and I'll bring you something to eat? I'll schedule an appointment afterward."
"Th-Thanks, Mom."
I got back into bed and Mom left my room to get something for me to eat. As I laid there, relieving myself of my tears, I kept getting lost in my own thoughts. They were nothing like that horrid dream…but they still gave me a sad feeling.
They were about how many of us classmates have treated Akari these past two years. Ignored, left behind, even so much as being called invisible. It all made me feel bad. But what made me feel worse was the fact that I basically started it all.
The more I thought about how I treated one of my best friends...one of my childhood friends, even…the more I felt like crap. I honestly couldn't believe I'd been treating Akari like that for so long. And no one bothered to stop me.
…
O-Or…maybe they did. But I was too much of an idiot to notice. Let alone listen.
But…no more. No more will I be this annoying, selfish, ungrateful version of Kyoko Toshinio who carelessly gets her friends injured. I'll go to this therapist person and become a brand-new Kyoko. One who actually cares about her friends and their feelings. I WILL CHANGE!
…
So, hopefully…none of my friends will end up dead.
Author's Note: The guilt inside Kyoko has manipulated her mind. To the point where she nearly believed that she killed Akari thanks to a dream she had. Now, with encouragement from her mother, she decides to talk to someone about it. A first-time event for her.
At first, I didn't know what to do with this chapter. And considered posting it as is. But then, the idea for the dream came and I just went with it. And now I'm glad I did so. I feel like it better details Kyoko's change in personality in this series.
So, uh…quick question. Have any of you heard of the website Archive of Our Own (or AO3, for short)? I have a few stories on there. But none of them are Yuru Yuri stories. There's already a good amount on there. Not as many as FanFiction, but it's still decent enough.
My point is…would you guys be interested if I posted my Yuru Yuri stories on there? It would include this one and previous ones I did. I'm just curious since the number of stories on AO3 has grown since I last checked it.
Thanks for reading. Later.