• Zachary Mitchell •
"How big is the island?" Gray asked. My glossy eyes turned away from the small, green dot in the distance to glare at him, annoyed as all fuck. He kept staring at the island, which was still miles ahead of us, with a giddy smile plastered on his stupid face.
This boat needs to go faster.
"Big," I replied. Not caring. Not gonna even try.
"But how many pounds?"
"That doesn't make sense."
"When they first opened, they had eight species ..."
A lot fucking faster.
After getting up hours before the ass-crack of dawn, getting pushed and shoved in the airport line by some brats behind me, not sleeping a wink on the first flight, running like hell to our next gate and barely making it, not sleeping on the long ass flight to Costa Rica, before we had to spend a miserable two hours on a bus, only to get on this overstuffed boat for another five hours. Another. Five. Fucking. Hours.
Gray went on and on about how amazing the island was, knowing every last detail about it and then some. And he was getting on my last fucking nerve. God, twelve hours to get here and my stupid little brother still has energy? Why is this happening to me!? Isn't something else that the gods could torture me with?!
Good thing I found something to occupy my thoughts. Just in time, too.
My brown eyes shifted back to the other side of the boat and down a level where three very pretty girls stood. I felt their flirtatious eyes coyly drift on and off of me. Playing hard to get? Heh, well, two can play at that game. I'm harder to get than they are. Really hard. Fuck, I'm impossible.
Let's just say, they're not remotely my type.
My uninterested eyes glossed over to them and landed right on the guy who was at the front of the boat, leaning on the railing. I couldn't help but focus on his outstretched ass, instinctively biting my lip. God, you could bounce a penny off of that thing. Although for him, with his far more rugged looks, I'd be more interested in the package up front.
With a sudden constriction growing in my pants, I leaned forward on the railing to hide it (as well as look away from the girls still undressing me with their eyes). Thankfully, we still had enough time until we got to the island to make my friend deflate.
Great, now I'm turned on.
I still found myself stealing looks of Mr. Hunky-Nice-Ass over there and I just kept getting more and more frustrated. Just as I was stealing an admiring view while hoping against hope he would turn around, he wrapped his muscular arm around a woman's waist and brought her in close to him. With that I got another mental check mark and slap to the face. The check keeps up my streak of falling for straight guys and the metal slap was for still not learning my lesson.
Fuck, now I'm turned on and fucking pissed off.
Let's see, I've been gay since ... hell, since I was born. And I've kept it to myself and only myself, ever since.
I mean, that can't be good for me, right?
Well, growing up in half-rural, half-suburban Wisconsin to an ultra-conservative family did not help. It feels like it's chipping away at my sanity, really. Not just my family too. At school it's hard to be different at all, let alone have a gay bombshell. At home it was common to hear my dad swear at the news with something like: "I can't believe that another state legalized sin!", all while thinking about the hunky quarterback who I saw walking around shirtless outside of the practice field.
I have to put on a brave face when I hear that kind of hateful bullshit, but it always comes with a sense of resentment towards myself. I know I shouldn't hate myself, I know, but I can't help it. In a world like my own, it's just the norm to hate anything gay. I want to love who I love, I can't help but feel wrong.
Wrong. That I'm wrong for being gay and I should just keep to myself for my entire life. I should just shove it all down deep and grow up like every other northern, conservative boy: go to school, go to college, marry a nice girl and have baby after baby after baby after ... Live the simple, suburban life and die in the same place I was born.
Nothing terrifies me more than that.
The worst part is, I can guarantee, I'm certainly not the only one who is anything but straight in my town. I can't be the only one, but no one's ever had the guts to come out at my school at least (though I certainly have my suspicions). I mean, shit, sometimes I am convinced that I'm only one that way in the entire town.
That's why I'm actually excited for this vacation. Not at the moment (I'm so goddamn tired from traveling), but I'm looking forward to not being in that prison. I just can't let Gray find that out, or I'll never hear the fucking end of it.
Soon (but not soon enough), the boat docked. That, of course, was when Gray's somehow got the most intense burst of energy I've ever seen, and it probably wouldn't end until midnight. Meanwhile I could feel my eyelids getting heavy and my book bag felt like a bag of concrete.
In the line to get off the boat, Gray started bouncing up and down and spew out fact after fact of the dinosaurs. As if that wasn't bad enough, his large backpack kept hitting me. I could feel my eyes roll into the back of my head on their own out sheer frustration probably my need for sleep on a real bed. As if my exhaustion from not sleeping at all on the plane wasn't bad enough, I still have to deal with this shit that I call my little brother. Especially right now. My fuse is already extremely short and anything can set me off. Gray is about to. Just then, the guy behind me (who had some screaming kids of his own) burped loudly and I could feel the heat of it on the back of my neck. I reached up to grab the back of my neck, but I could feel my nostrils flaring and my breathing quickened.
Only then did I step off that crowded hell onto the dock. Being able to move my legs made my boiling anger get less intense. Thankfully, to everyone around me, it was just enough to stop me from exploding. We went with the flow of the crowd towards a big white station that had a monorail in it, surrounded by lush green of the forest. At least by seeing this I could see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Calm down, Zach, you'll find sleep soon.
Okay, so, I have to look for aunt Claire. Mom said she'd be the one to meet us at the dock. But, I'll go with my instinct and assuming she's not gonna be the one to meet us here. I was right to assume so. Great, another thing to irk me.
I told Gray to follow me as I approach the woman with jet black hair holding the tablet with our names on it. "Hi."
"Are you ... Zach?" she asked in a crisp British accent. I cocked a brow (as if I had something to be cynical about) and nodded. Gray came up to my side and she gave us both a forced, professional smile. "You must be Gray. Wonderful, I'm Zara, I will show you to your room."
This place will be the death of me. I followed after her with Gray keeping up at my side. Well, for only a few seconds before he bolted ahead of me. I had to speed up to keep up with him even though there wasn't anything to see except for the monorail that lead off into the thick brush of the island. It had a small station next to it and a few enclosed escalators leading up to it.
"Can he slow down?" she growled about Gray
"Nope," I replied, not bothering to look back
"Come on!" he cried out.
I'll find sleep soon. I'll find sleep soon. I'll find sleep soon.
We found a seat and sat down, but Gray's mouth kept moving and moving. "Stegosaurus had a brain the size of a walnut - only 3 centimeters long and weighing 75 grams …." He went on and on with this dinosaur shit. I thought couldn't care less earlier on the boat, but now I'm defying the motherfucking odds. Only then (look, cut me some slack I'm tired!) I remembered about my headphones. In one swift movement, I canceled out most of the noise around me and was taken to a world full of music and peace.
But then Gray was suddenly at the front of the monorail and looking at the large gate to enter into the park. I have just a few moments of peace to myself where I could at least rest without him. But, fate had other plans to annoy me once again.
My phone suddenly vibrated in my hand. A lot. Since I was finally under the island's reception, all my notifications that I couldn't get out at sea were coming in. Many were from my girlfriend. 'I miss you' they wrote. Most did at least. There were some variants. From 'I just made your fav cookies cuz i miss you!' to some photos that made me a bit more apathetic about my life than before.
Yeah, okay, I'm a really shitty person.
This has been my absolute worst struggle. I got a girlfriend to cover my ass. And I've been beating myself up for it because I just want a guy (so bad), yet I can't with my life. I have no feelings for this girl, but she certainly does for me. I can't just up and break up with her. Especially after all we did …. I hate myself for what I'm doing. The worst part is thinking of the quarterback to keep me hard.
I just want a fling here.
Whoa, that thought was blunt. But fuck it, I've never had any kind of opportunity to do anything with a guy. I see this trip as something to finally be in a place where I can be myself. Surrounded by hot guys all around the world!
Oh, and dinosaurs too.
I'm here for a whole two weeks, so I have the chance. Honestly, I just want one one-night-stand with a hot guy here so I can say to myself, I've done it! Move on! Go back to your Judeo-Christian lifestyle and be happy with your girlfriend!
Who am I kidding? I can't fucking hide that from Gray.
Who am I kidding … It doesn't even fucking work that way ….
So, as always, that glimmer of hope only lasted a few minutes. As usual. A shiver went up my spine as I felt train beneath me sway on a turn in the track.
With more debilitating thoughts in my exhausted mind, I was officially in an even worse mood by the time Gray came back. He said nothing this time, but it still irked me. Everything is irking me right now. Fuck this. Fuck this all. I don't wanna be here. I don't wanna go home. I don't want this vacation anymore, and I never want to step foot back in our town. I just wanna be free. I've been in a prison all my life.
Despite all that, that little glimmer returned.
But for a little while — just a little while — I have freedom.
Revision note: So it's nearing ten years (GOD, what the hell?) since I first posted this chapter and this story. I've returned to this work with kinder eyes and a larger time frame of experiences to draw from that ultimately influence my writing. This return is out of nowhere and, admittedly, a little strange. Yet I see something in this work that it could be greater than what it is now. Not sure how far I will get in actually revising it, but I do hope that every aspect will become better; fleshed out characters, better pacing, more dinosaurs, and (of course) a more compelling romance between our two characters. Finally, I hope to actually finish the damn thing, but that's a bridge we'll cross when we get to it.
That being said ... Zach, sheesh, cool it on the cussing! What a drama queen, am I right?