Author's Note:

I don't know what to tell you. This started out as a joke. One morning I was chatting with my beta reader and I was like 'lol the Benefactor Factor but as a Shamy AU' and well, it was all fun and games until I actually started writing it.

I ended up setting this sometime after the events of the Benefactor Factor though, just because that made more sense to me. So let's just say that Sheldon never went to that fundraiser (in this AU Amy wasn't there to talk him into going), and now the university is holding a second one. I think (I hope) that's all you need to know to get started.

As usual, thank you to my beta reader Stark for helping to inspire this and also for looking it over. And thank you to my Shamy friends on discord for helping to keep me motivated. And thank you to you, dear reader, for checking this out.

Enjoy whatever this is!

Chapter One

Sheldon looked at himself in the mirror, going through his mental checklist. His freshly dry cleaned suit hung perfectly on his freshly showered frame, his hair was smooth and neat, and he had a bottle of Purell tucked away in both his front pants pockets. Check, check, and check. He straightened his tie one last time before releasing a heavy sigh and joining his friends out in the living room of his apartment.

"Ready to go to the fundraiser?" Leonard asked. Sheldon gave another world-weary sigh in response.

"Come on, it won't be that bad," Raj said. "There's free food."

"A buffet," Sheldon grumbled. "Hand shaking, finger foods . . . Might as well reserve my spot in line at the emergency room now."

"I heard there'll be a new benefactor in attendance tonight," Howard said. "Her fiancé just died and his fortune is burning a hole in her pocket."

"Great, another horny old woman," Leonard groused.

"Sarcasm?" Sheldon asked. He didn't see how another rich, horny old woman would be a problem as long as Leonard was willing to take one for the team again.

"Yes."

"Not this time, she's our age," Howard continued. "The fiancé died in a freak camel racing accident. She's already made a sizable donation to the biology department. Siebert thinks we can talk her into more."

"How do you know all this?" Leonard asked.

"Siebert and I are close, he gave me all the details," Howard explained. When everyone gave him a skeptical look, he added, "And I'm a creepy little guy who's no stranger to cyber stalking."

"You've seen her picture? Is she pretty?" Raj asked.

"Compared to the other women at this thing? She's a goddess."

"If she's past the grieving stage, I call dibs," Raj said.

Sheldon followed the guys out the door and down the stairs, tuning out their chatter. If it were up to him, he'd never go to these events. He was able to talk his way out of the last one, but this time President Siebert was adamant, attendance was mandatory. Deep down, Sheldon knew it was necessary, the physics department needed funds to continue their research, but that didn't mean he had to be happy about it.

The ride to the university didn't take nearly as long as Sheldon hoped it would. Despite Leonard's semi-distracted driving tendencies, they managed to avoid the several non-injury car accidents Sheldon imagined, and the wormhole to the future he was always dreaming about failed to materialize along the way. He was well and truly doomed to this torturous event now.

The group exited the car and walked towards the entrance to the banquet hall. The windows glowed with a warm light and Sheldon could see colleagues, university staff, and donors milling about inside. There were far more people than he expected. Just the thought of being packed in the same space as all those people, breathing the same air, not to mention all the required touching involved in navigating these social situations, made his mouth dry up. His steps slowed more and more the closer they got to the door.

"You okay, Sheldon?" Leonard asked, pausing while holding the door open. Raj and Howard were already walking in. Sheldon shook his head.

"You go ahead," he told his friend. "I just need a minute."

Leonard looked like he might protest, but then he just nodded instead.

"Okay, but don't take too long. Siebert's going to wonder where you are."

Sheldon didn't particularly care what President Siebert thought. He ought to just be glad he had a star scientist like Sheldon working at his school. While he was busy steeling himself, a group of newcomers walked past him to the door, discussing an upcoming mineral and rock show, which made Sheldon scowl.

Geologists. Now there was a group that should be barred from attending these events. What did they need funding for? It's not like rocks were hard to find, there was a big one right there near the corner of the building. They should just take that rock and be on their way, leave the funds to the real sciences.

The thought of the geologists somehow talking a donor into giving them money was the push Sheldon needed to finally go inside. Still, once in, he kept close to the wall, trying to stay out of the way until he got the lay of the land. It took a few seconds for him to spot his friends in the crowd, but he found them circled around an older gentleman at the far end of the room. One of the benefactors, he assumed. He couldn't hear what they were saying, but their movements were exaggerated.

"Pathetic, isn't it?"

Sheldon turned to find a woman he did not recognize standing to his right, her gaze trained on his friends just has his had been.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"All that energy wasted trying to impress that man, hoping for a donation. Like trained monkeys dancing for coins in the street." She shook her head, her long dark hair brushing over her shoulders. "It's a shame scientists can't just focus on science."

Sheldon stared at her with wide eyes. "I feel the same way!"

"I'm not surprised."

"I've always said my rare and precious mental faculties are wasted at these university events. I could be home right now, tearing the mask off nature to stare at the face of God. For some reason that argument didn't work on President Siebert this time." He decided not to tell her if he was home right then he would actually be doing laundry, even though that was still a better use of time than this.

"Interesting. You believe in God?"

"No, I was using a hyperbolic expression. I would actually say these fundraisers are proof that there is no God. That won't stop my mom from forcing me to attend church once a year though."

The woman nodded. "I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance."

"Then you may want to avoid East Texas."

"Noted."

Sheldon looked back over to her when she offered no further comment. She was still watching the crowds, making no move to join them.

"I assume Siebert forced you to attend tonight as well?"

The corner of her mouth twitched up into a small smile.

"You could say that." She turned her head to look at him fully, and he was struck by the color of her eyes behind her glasses. Green. He normally wouldn't notice such a thing, but there was something about her. "Tell me, what department are you here representing?"

"Physics." He stood up a little straighter as he said it. "I could be making great strides in proving string theory right now, but instead I'm here calculating the likelihood of contracting a debilitating disease before the night's end."

"And what is the likelihood?" she asked.

"Well, we need to take into account the number of people present and the overall square footage of the room. I don't have exact numbers, but based on my observations . . ." Sheldon took a few steps forward to snatch a cocktail napkin off a nearby buffet table and pulled a pen from his suit pocket, then began scribbling down numbers. "The average respiration rate is sixteen breaths per minute, so the chances of encountering an airborne pathogen increase every second, but then we also have to account for germs that can survive of surfaces. Considering the use of tablecloths, plus the carpet and other people's clothing, we have a myriad of soft surfaces just teeming with bacteria . . ." He scribbled some more. "Influenza would of course be our most likely culprit, but there's also streptococcus, mononucleosis, and I've heard one of our benefactors here tonight was recently in close proximity to camels, so who knows what horrid cross-species sickness she's brought in with her . . ."

"Hmmm . . ."

Sheldon paused and looked over at his companion. She had been quietly watching him work, but now she was looking back at him with a deep frown.

"Oh, I'm sorry, am I going too fast for you? I didn't ask your field, this math is probably way over your head. Do you need me to dumb it down?"

"Neurobiology," she told him, still frowning. "And I understand your math perfectly."

"Really? Are you sure? The only math biologists know is if you have three frogs and one hops away, that leaves two frogs."

"Ah, Dr. Fowler, there you are!" President Siebert suddenly appeared and moved between them, with Leonard, Howard, and Raj in tow. "I see you've met Dr. Sheldon Cooper. He's one of the more . . . quirky members of the physics department."

"Indeed," the woman, Dr. Fowler, answered. Sheldon's brow furrowed.

"Gentleman, this is Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler. Dr. Fowler, this is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali, and Howard Wolowitz. I'm sure you'll love hearing about all the interesting research they're doing."

"Are they also with the physics department?" she asked.

"Yes, Dr. Hofstadter is an experimental—"

"I think I've heard enough," Dr. Fowler interrupted. "Excuse me."

They all watched her walk away, then four pairs of eyes turned to glare at Sheldon.

"Dr. Cooper, what did you say to her?" Siebert asked.

"Nothing, I was just explaining some math to her," he answered, confused about why he seemed to be in trouble.

"Well, you managed to drive away one of the most important donors here tonight." He left the group, walking quickly to catch up with Dr. Fowler.

"Sheldon, that was her! That was the benefactor we were talking about," Howard explained once he was gone.

"She told me she was an neurobiologist. I thought she worked here."

"Before she inherited her fortune, she worked as a neurobiologist at UCLA," Howard said.

"Well, that would have been helpful to know before we got here," Sheldon said. He still wasn't exactly sure what went wrong with the encounter, but if he had known she was a benefactor he would have shown her a more impressive calculation. And maybe talked slower.

"I know I said this last time, but I think it's definitely safe to say President Siebert won't make us go to any more fundraisers now," Leonard said.

"At least not Sheldon," Howard quipped.

"If it turns out you're wrong, I still call dibs on her," Raj added.

Sheldon tuned out his friends again and watched Dr. Fowler from across the room. Siebert appeared to be introducing her to a large man he recognized as one of the geologists who walked in ahead of him. The cocktail napkin with all his previous work became a wadded up mess in his fist.

"Come on, let's just go," Leonard said, steering him towards the door.