Chapter 1
Ohmigawd, I'm a Witch
INTRODUCTION
I recently read a wonderful series of books about Harry Potter written by J.K. Rowling. She created for us a thrilling world of wonder and magic. In the series, I was treated as a supporting character to the main. I do not think it accurately told my story during those years. I was treated as a bossy, know-it-all. That is a far cry from who I really am. I would now like to, with the help of Tuzilla, tell my story. Enjoy! - Hermione
INDEX OF CHAPTERS
Chapter 1 - Ohmigawd, I'm a Witch - Rated G
Chapter 2 - Magnetics 101 - Rated R (Nudity, Strong Language)
Chapter 3 - A Pattern for Life Rated - Rated G
Chapter 4 - My Reputation Goes Up In Smoke - Rated E (Sexual Situations, Drug use)
Chapter 5 - The Time It Is A'Changin' - Rated T
Chapter 6 - Flashy Clothes & Gowns - Rated E (Sexual Situations, Drug use)
Chapter 7 - Who Do You Love? - Rated E (Minor Sexual Situations, Strong Language)
Chapter 8 - Good Vibrations - Rated E (Sexual Situation)
Chapter 9 - Something is Bugging Me - Rated T
Chapter 10 - Cluelessness - Rated T
Chapter 11 - Prefection - Rated T
Chapter 12 - I Know I Am But Who Am I? - Rated E (Sexual Situation)
Chapter 13 - Me Versus My Peachy Mind - Rated E (Sexual Situations, Nudity, Drug Use)
Chapter 14 - He's Back - Rated T
Chapter 15 - Parabellum -Rated E (Sexual Situations)
Chapter 16 - I Died in Their Arms Tonight - Rated E (Sexual Situations)
Chapter 17 - In His Midnight Confession - Rated T
Chapter 18 - And Just Like That...I Was A Muggle - Rated E (Drug Use)
Chapter 19 - My Years Among the Muggles - Part 1 - Stranger in a Strange Land - Rated G
Chapter 20 - My Years Among the Muggles - Part 2 - Goo-Goo G'joob - I am the Muggle - Rated E (Drug Use, Adult and Sexual Situations, Language)
Chapter 21 - My Years Among the Muggles - Part 3 - Coming Soon - Ohmigawd, I'm a Witch 2.0 - Rated E (Drug Use, Adult and Sexual Situations, Language)
Chapter 22 - Chernobyl and Fukushima and Me - Oh My! - Rated E
The Good, The Bad and The Hermione
The Unauthorized* Memoir of My Lusty Life
Chapter 1
Ohmigawd, I'm a Witch
I remember it like it was yesterday, even though it was most of a lifetime ago. What had started as another school year suddenly went off the rails. A strange letter arrived at our door addressed to me. It was 19 September, my eleventh birthday. I had just arrived home from school and was hurrying to do my homework before preparing for my birthday party. My parents had closed their dentistry office early. They were going to treat my friends and me to a 5:30 matinee performance of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs at the theater in nearby Oxford followed by ice cream and cake. It was a school night, so we could not be out too late.
A thump and an odd-sounding noise surprised me just as I finished reading my two chapters in The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. I jumped up and hurried to the door. It was unusual for anyone to call on us at our residence during normal office hours. I thought it might be one of my friends showing up early for the party.
When I opened the door, I found a letter on the doorstep. Strangely, a large, grey owl was sitting on our sidewalk. The only owls I had ever seen were at the zoo. This seemed a unique and startling situation. As I picked up the letter, the owl took flight and disappeared.
The letter was addressed to:
Miss Hermione Granger
24 Rock Hill
Chipping Norton, Oxfordshire, OX7 5BA
The back of the envelope had a red wax seal embossed with a fancy emblem and a printed coat-of-arms from someplace called Hogwarts.
" What is this ?" I thought as I opened the envelope to find the most curious letter I had ever received. Surely, it was a birthday prank by one of my friends. But which one would devise such an elaborate ruse? The text read:
HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY
Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore
( Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,
Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards )
Dear Miss Granger,
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.
Because of your special status as a muggle-born witch, a representative from the school will call on your family on 22 September to explain things further.
Term begins on 1 September 1991. We await your acceptance by no later than 31 July 1991.
Yours sincerely,
Minerva McGonagall
Deputy Headmistress
The second page contained a list of various items I would need for school. It all seemed to be a very elaborate stunt.
I took the letter into my parent's office and showed it to them. They agreed with me that it must be a joke of some sort. We put it aside and nothing more was thought about until Saturday morning when there was a knock at our door just as we were cleaning up breakfast. Being a proper daughter, I scurried off to answer it.
"Ca—ca—can I help you," I sputtered as I opened the door. In front of me was a tall, black woman dressed up like it was Halloween even though it was still six weeks away. Her hat was right out of my fairy storybooks, as was her cloak.
"Are you Hermione Granger?" she asked.
"Ye—ye—yes," I sputtered.
"I am Professor Aurora Sinistra from the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I am here to talk to you and your parents about the letter you received last Wednesday."
"Oh. You mean that prank letter," I said. "We were amused by it."
"I assure you that it is not a prank letter," she said in a stiff voice. "Now, if you could take me to meet your parents, we can discuss things."
"Okay," I replied as I suppressed a giggle. "Please follow me."
"We walked through the house to the family room. My parents were now watching the telly and chatting. As we walked in, they looked up. Both of their faces looked perplexed as they saw the professor.
"This is Professor Aurora Sinistra," I said, proud as always of my sharp mind and memory. She is from the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She wants to talk to us about that letter I received on my birthday."
"Of course," said my dad, apparently willing to play along with the ruse. "I'm Alan Granger, he said. And this is my wife, Jeannine."
"Pleased to meet you both," said the professor. "My name is Aurora Sinistra. I am the Astronomy Professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I am here on behalf of the school.
"Can we offer you anything?" said my mother. "A drink or a snack?"
"Maybe in a bit. I am fine, for now."
"I'm a bit confused," said my father. You said you are from a school of witchcraft and wizardry. Are you here to recruit our daughter into becoming a witch?"
This caused me to give my father a wide-eyed look.
"No. Not exactly," replied the professor. "I am here to tell you that your daughter actually is a witch."
"What?" he responded with an incredulous look. "Excuse me for saying this. However, that sounds a bit barmy." My mom was also looking dumbfounded.
"It always does," said the professor, trying to suppress a chuckle and maintain a calm voice. It seemed like she had expected this very response. "If you will please hear me out, I think I can set things straight. Then we can have the real discussion."
"Well. Okay, I suppose," said my father. "But just for a minute. We're watching Going Live! Hermione loves it."
"Have you ever seen things happen or done things that seem odd…almost magical?" she asked as she looked directly at me.
"I don't know. Maybe, I guess."
"I think I would like that drink you offered me, now."
"Oh," said my father as he started to stand up.
"Wait," said the professor as she pulled from her robe what I would later learn was a wand. "I'll get it."
The professor made a little wave with her wand and said 'Accio water glass'. A glass sailed out of our kitchen and into her hand as our jaws hit the floor. Then, with another little wave, she said 'Aguamenti'. The glass filled itself with water and she took a drink.
"There," said the professor as she sat the glass down on a nearby magazine.
We were speechless as she smiled at us.
"Let's see what you can do," she said as she offered me her wand. I was too scared to say no. I took it and timidly smiled at her. "Wave it like this," she said making an arch with her finger.
I did as she said. "Now do it again, but say 'lumos' as you do it."
I made the arch and said 'Lumos'. The end of the wand sparked and I jumped.
"Don't worry," she said. "Do it again. But say it like you mean it."
"Lumos," I said firmly. The tip of the wand glowed, filling the room with light.
"Excellent, Hermione. Now wave the wand like this and say 'Nox'," she said, making a movement like a wave in the water.
I did as instructed. The light on the wand went out.
"Bravo, Hermione. I knew you could do it."
I smiled as I looked at her and my parents. They were sitting still, not saying a word. I started to hand the wand back to the professor.
"No. No. Let's try something else. Make a movement like an upside-down raindrop," she said.
I did as she requested.
"Do you remember how I said 'Accio water glass' to make the glass come to me? She asked as I nodded in the affirmative. "Point the wand at that little pillow on the sofa and say 'Accio pillow'."
"I did as instructed and the pillow flew up and hit me in the face. I nearly fell over backward.
"You have to catch it," laughed the professor. "That's why we start with pillows instead of a glass. Now, try it, again."
"Accio pillow," I said with a wave. The pillow flew up and this time I caught it.
"You're a natural," she said as she clapped her hands. 'Very few students do these things successfully so quickly."
"Did you see that, Mom—Dad? I did magic."
"Yes, dear," they said, their voices full of emotions ranging from fear to wonderment to joy.
"If I let either of you try this, you will fail," said the professor as she looked at my parents. "It is like I told you, your daughter is a witch."
"This is very startling," said my mother. "How can our Hermione be a witch? Neither of us are witches."
"That is a phenomenon we cannot explain," came the reply. "Almost all young witches and wizards come from families with magical blood. However, now and again a young person like Hermione comes about from muggle um—uh—uh non-magical parents. I was just in Maidenhead last evening having this same conversation with a family named Finch-Fletchley about their son, Justin. They are very excited that Justin will be coming to study at Hogwarts."
"Yes. About that," said my dad. "What is it you are asking of my daughter and us?"
Two hours later. My parents and I were thrilled that I was going to be studying witchcraft at Hogwarts. Tomorrow, we were going to visit someplace called Diagon Alley. I was going to get the basic supplies I would need for my studies.
I barely slept that night. I was going to study to become a witch. "OHMIGAWD, I'M A WITCH!" my mind kept screaming.
In the morning, we had breakfast. I could barely contain myself as I ate my porridge. When the knock on the door finally came, I nearly exploded out of my seat. I ran to answer it. It was Professor Sinistra and another professor she introduced as Charity Burbage, Professor of Muggle Studies.
The five of us got into our family car. I sat in the back between the two professors. I chatted with them as we were directed to Charing Cross Road in the center of London. Almost two hours later, we arrived in front of a building with no sign and an odd door.
"We are going to be entering the world of magic on the other side of this door," said Professor Sinistra. "Be prepared to see things the likes of which you have never before seen in your lives. Don't worry. You are one hundred percent safe with us. Just relax and enjoy your visit."
We followed the professors through the door into a place called The Leaky Cauldron. It looked like something out of an old movie about medieval days. We were greeted by a very friendly man named Tom. The professors said we were there to take Hermione shopping for her school supplies. He wished us luck as made our way into a small space in the back surrounded by a brick wall.
"Get ready," said Professor Sinistra. "You're about to enter a place few non-magical people get to visit." With that, she tapped the wall several times with the tip of her wand. The bricks started moving and the wall suddenly opened into the most amazing sight I had ever imagined.
Dozens of people were walking and talking happily. They were all dressed more like the professors than us. The stores were alive with moving signs. We saw shops for cauldrons, clothes, inks and quills, books, supplies for something called quidditch, animals, and much, much more. Two hours later, I had purchased most of my list with money supplied by the professors. We were in a shop enjoying ice cream.
When we finished our treats, Professor Burbage said, "The only things left to buy are a familiar and your wand. Let's get your wand, first. Then we can go to the pet store.
We got up and left. A few moments later, a bell was tinkling as we entered a store called Ollivander's - Makers of Fine Wands since 382 BC. A thin, elderly man with slightly wild, white hair greeted us.
"Hermione is here to be fitted with her first wand," said Professor Sinistra.
"Well. Hello, Hermione. Let's see if we can find a wand that likes you," he said with a raspy voice.
"Excuse me," I squeaked. "Are you saying the wand is picking me, sir?"
"Yes, Hermione. As those of us who study wand lore know, it is perfectly clear that the wand selects the wizard or witch."
"Oh."
"Now. Let's get started," he said.
I spent the next hour waving and testing all types of wands. There were several I liked and wanted but he said they did not fit me. Finally, he handed me a wand that felt totally different from the others. It was like electricity was passing through me. My whole body tingled and the air glowed.
I walked out of the store with a beautifully carved wand made of Vinewood that was 10" long and had something he called dragon heartstring in it. I did not think it could possibly be something from a real dragon. After all, dragons do not exist. At least, that is what I thought at the time.
A short while later, we were heading home to Chipping Norton. I had my supplies and a British Shorthair Cat named Domino that the school arranged for me until I acquired my own familiar. I felt more ready than I had this morning. I was ready to be the best witch ever-Hermione the Good.