Amy was waiting for the Doctor to come back from his absence after he left a moment ago while she was seated in the main control room of the TARDIS. Bored, she decided to explore to see what else the TARDIS possessed.
The first room she entered was a closet. It was enormous, featuring hundreds of various fashionably inclined clothes. She found a black leather jacket, a long brown coat, some sweaters, a ton of bow ties, and a few fezzes, among other things. She tried some of the clothes on, laughing at her reflection and imagining the Doctor wearing those.
She chose, after a moment, to keep looking around. The library came next in this corridor. It was far larger than the wardrobe; it included books under strange titles like "How to Befriend an Ood." What was even an "Ood"? She put the book back down and strolled towards a desk in the corner. There were tons of papers scattered around the desk and a book in the middle of it. More precisely, a notebook, it seems. Curious, she picked it up and opened it on the first page.
It didn't state anywhere who it belonged to, but she could tell the writing was the Doctor's.
On the first page she noticed a Dalek sketch. But it looked different than what she saw before. There were a few lines scribbled underneath:
"The Daleks. They killed my whole race and destroyed my home. They won against us in the Time War despite all the effort we put in and all the losses we suffered; they survived. I can never get rid of them completely. But I will one day. I'll wipe every last stinking Dalek off this world, from existence."
Having read, she looked up, startled by what she discovered. The doctor never really shared with her much about himself. She never knew he had lost his home and everyone. She turned the page.
A drawing of the TARDIS... there were two words written on it: "BAD WOLF." What does it mean? This drawing didn't have a description. She turned another page.
This one was filled with faces.
A blonde girl, a man, and two other women. There wasn't much he wrote there. "I've lost them all." She stared at those faces, wondering why the Doctor never told them anything. Was he masking all of this with his childish behavior?
She noticed one more face in the corner that she didn't see at first.
"The day I met my daughter was the day I lost her. She felt like a piece of home, and now I've lost it twice. Because of me. Everyone that stays with me experiences some loss. Donna can't remember me, or she'll die, Martha… I never treated her right; she deserved better. And Rose… I hope she's at least happier with the better version of me."
She felt a lump grow in her throat. She never even thought about his past, and he probably wouldn't tell her any of this.
--
The Doctor returned to the TARDIS to no sight of Amy around.
- Amy? - he shouted. He limped to the corridor and shouted again.
While she was reading the rest of the diary, she was so focused on it that she didn't even hear the Doctor come back.
Now she heard him shouting her name from the hallway. She quickly closed the diary as soon as he walked into the library.
- Amy? Amy - Oh! I couldn't find you anywhere; I thought you'd maybe run away. What are you doing here…?
He leaned over her shoulder and froze.
- Were you reading my um- Diary?
He rushed over to her and grabbed the diary from her hand, his face turning red from embarrassment.
He never let anyone read his diary.
He never talked about his feelings or past, so it was very intimate to him.
He looked at Amy with an unreadable expression on his face.
She was quiet until now; she finally decided to say something.
- Listen, I'm sorry for reading it. I thought… I thought it was just a book you left there. - She looked at him with an apologetic look, which a moment later turned into a worried one.
- But everything I read there… I never knew how much you've been through. Doctor, why do you never say anything?
He looked different now than usual. She had never seen him like this before: he looked like he was about to cry but was holding it in.
She finally ran up to him and hugged him, holding him close. He stood there for a moment, tensed up, but finally embraced her back, resting his head on her shoulder, as if he was tired. Incredibly tired.
--
- It wasn't your fault. - They were both sitting in the main room now, the Doctor sitting curled up as if he was putting up a wall between them. Maybe he was.
Amy noticed that, but she still tried talking to him. Her expression, unlike the Doctor's, showed all her emotions. The worry, the sadness. She cared about him. But for some reason, he seemed so distant. Like he didn't want anyone to get close.
He was very unusually quiet. It seemed like he didn't even have the energy or care to put up his mask. His face didn't express anything, and he looked absent mentally.
She sighed. - You can't keep everything to yourself. It will ruin you.
He looked like he didn't want to be there.
- There's nothing to talk about. I'm fine, just let me be - he said with a slightly tired tone, like he was exhausted from this conversation.
She looked at him with a slightly irritated expression
- You're not fine. You're clearly not fine; can you be honest with me for once? Why do you try so hard to deal with everything by yourself? You're trying to make yourself feel better by helping everyone else around but yourself.
He looked at her like he wished she would just disappear.
He sighed. - I don't need anyone's help. I've been dealing with everything alone since forever; I'm good like this. I'm a 907-year-old Time Lord; why would I show anyone more than necessary?
- Because we're not just "anyone," Doctor. - She interrupted. - We're also your friends, and we care.
Something in his expression changed. Subtly, but she couldn't tell what.
- Well, I don't need your care! - Suddenly his whole attitude changed from miserable and exhausted to overflowing with anger. She looked at him completely surprised as he quickly stood up. - Why don't you understand I can handle it myself?! - He was buzzing with anger now. Before she could even say anything or react, he ran out of the TARDIS and slammed the door as he left.
She stood there in shock, confused and hurt about the sudden change in his behavior. She didn't understand what she did wrong. But the sadness and hurt she experienced soon turned toward wrath directed against him.
--
As he rushed out of the TARDIS, he felt rage flowing in his body. Why was she even reading his stuff in the first place? He didn't need her care, but now that he thought about it, he wasn't even sure if she actually did care. She surely did that to use it against him. Why else would she read it?
With those thoughts around his head, he decided to leave the TARDIS for a longer time. They parked in one of London's parks, near Rose's house. He didn't even land here purposely, but it angered him more.
"It's not your fault." Lies. He knew it was his fault; if only he'd never met her, she'd be so much happier.
He wandered around the streets, not even seeing where he was going. He decided he won't come back for a while. Amy could've left anytime she wanted; she didn't need him anyway. He let her down too, promising to come back after 10 minutes but returning after 14 years. Maybe it'll be better this way if she decides to leave him.